


What You Do To Me

by Olivia_Janae



Series: 'Willa Girl' Series [2]
Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies), bechloe - Fandom
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Developing Relationship, F/F, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-09-01 02:21:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 234,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8603458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Olivia_Janae/pseuds/Olivia_Janae
Summary: The thing was...she HAD said ‘I love you’ - and Chloe hadn’t said it back...so now what the hell were they supposed to do? Things were starting to snowball downhill and...Beca just...she didn’t know. How could they stop it? How could they fix it - before it was too late? ...Before they lost so much more than their romance.Sequel to 'I Love You, Awesome Nerd'





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Notes:
> 
> (Written before the release of PP3 and so that movie doesn't exist in this series. Placed post PP2)
> 
> First and foremost
> 
> You HAVE to read 'I Love You, Awesome Nerd' before this one. I will be referencing things from the first as though you already know what I'm talking about.
> 
> Soooo…this story is going to be very different from the first. A good part of it is going to be very angst heavy. I'm saying it now so no one can be mad at me. It's going to be angsty for a while.
> 
> This story is mostly it's about the way we all can get kind of tripped up in our heads and how things can start off small and just become this huge stupid thing. This story is going to be following a lot of the same themes as the first, and following a lot of inevitable paths that began in the first. Think of this fic more as an extension of the first and less of a sequel - it's almost more of a part two.
> 
> 3) I have awesome betas. SQbookqueen & Mia were amazing! Both were so important and so the shit. I love them. I'm so lucky! These stories literally could not and would not exist without my betas. Literally just wouldn't happen. I can't speak enough about how important betas are. Really. They put forth so much work. They should get parades in their honor. If you're my beta or anyone else's - THANK YOU. You are the shit. And we need you. You are SO important!
> 
> Other thoughts. You're welcome to track me down on Tumblr/Twitter (ioliviajanae) and I'll answer all of your asks. I also put up sneak peeks pretty much weekly and the likes.
> 
> Care Reminders: Nothing too serious. I'll post care reminders before the chapter begins.
> 
> Rating: M: Sensuality, sexuality, language, adult themes

“Chlooooooooeeeeeee!” Beca wailed, frustrated as yet again she was pushed back into the fluffy pillows. “You can’t just – ugh, you don’t get to – ugh, I have to get up! Stuff - to do!” She set a scowl on her face, hoping that it seemed like she was just angry and not that she needed to squint in order to see through the groggy mental fog of this stupid freaking annoying cold.

“No, you don’t.” The vixen-y redhead chirruped, grinning at her from her perching place over Beca’s hips.

“But really though, I do. Kind of a lot, actually.” She glowered through the one eye that would actually open, trying to focus on the assault of red hair that was hanging over her, but that just made her eyes cross.

“Nope. I don’t think so.”

Beca went to argue, went to throw a small tantrum if need be but the deep breath she took caught on her itchy sore throat and instead she broke into a hacking coughing fit that made white spots flash in her vision. Oh god, she was dying. Someone kill her, please! So tired! She was so tired. Why did everything itch?

Chloe grinned, somewhat smug, “See.” She pushed a bit of hair out of Beca’s eyes, “You’re not going anywhere. You’re too sick.”

“I’m not sick!” Beca croaked, more out of stubborn habit than the hope that she was in anyway believable. She kind of sounded like she had been smoking three packs a day for forty years.

“Uh-huh. Sure.”

Beca had a few choice things to say back but – maybe she would – if she ever stopped freaking coughing. Chloe just tenderly stroked up her arms and over her shoulders, trying to soothe, trying to – Beca slapped her hands away mid-cough with a glare so the glob of organic-all-natural-hippie-Chloe-peppermint-eucalyptus-rub went flying.

“God damn it, Beca!” Chloe growled, “Are you serious? You’re worse than a toddler!” She pressed her knees in tighter so that Beca couldn’t move and, leaning over, she wiped the glob off the bedside table. “You’re sick!  _ Why  _ won’t you let me help?”

“I’mb not sick!” Beca moaned, trumpeting her nose into a Kleenex.

Chloe’s eyebrow just rose, “Sweetie, you literally can’t even breathe.”

“Idon’twannabreathe!” Okay, that sounded stupid - though not as stupid as the fact that her legs had actually just kicked - like a five-year-old. Oh my god, what the hell was wrong with her? She couldn’t think with her head trying to explode like this. “Chloooo-” but whatever she was going to say didn’t matter much because she broke into another coughing fit that made her whole body bounce and shake.

Chloe just sat over her with her arms crossed, one eyebrow still high looking annoyingly victorious.

Oh my god, get off! Beca sat up and tried, as her body heaved, to push Chloe off of her. It was kind of like trying to push a brick wall with a toothpick and she just ended up giving in and resting against her instead; trying hard not to whimper and moan as Chloe wrapped her arms around her in what might have been the most comforting hug ever.

Damn it.

Chloe cooed, stroking her back as Beca tried to get a deep breath and she felt herself, despite her insistence that she wasn’t sick, melting in; drowsiness sinking into her despite her protests about having things to do that day. She was just so comfy.

“This is where you need to be today, Bec.”

UGH! Need – to – breathe – can’t – brat – freaking – notgirlfriend –person – must – yell. Only once the fit passed she was so tired that she just settled for a glare, her head hitting the pillow and sticking as though it were made of glue. Why was it so  _ soft? _ Why were all things in this bed against her right now? She had to get up! There was - stuff - she couldn’t remember - but  _ something _ was waiting for her to do it! Right? Something was always waiting for her. She had to - she had to - she burrowed down a little deeper, soooft, it was all so soft. “Shut up.” She muttered as Chloe’s grin widened.

It only made Chloe smile more which grated against Beca’s defiant streak. She didn’t want to get up. She didn’t want to go anywhere. Only, that stupid beautiful smirk on Chloe’s face made her push herself up to her elbows, “Chlo, I have to go to work! I have an appointment with a distributor and - and - that thing! I told Emily I would take her - over there - to do the stuff!” Totally didn’t sound like she couldn’t remember what it was she was supposed to do that day. Nope. Not at all. Crushed - that. Yup.

Chloe gave her a shove and she sprawled back again, willfully defeated.

“Hey! Don’t use me as an excuse!” Emily cried, skipping into the room and flopping down beside her.

“How are you just heeeeere?” Beca cried.

Emily shrugged, not at all bothered by the acid in her voice, “Teamwork.”

“See!” Chloe beamed, resettling herself, “Even Emily thinks you need to get some sleep.”

“Whose side are you on, traitor?”

For a moment Emily’s face crumpled, stricken but then Chloe laughed and Emily was beaming again.

“She’s on the side of you not spreading the plague to everyone you meet. L.A. is gross enough already, Bec.” She insisted, with an adorable little nose scrunch.

“Hey, lady,” Beca mumbled through a raspy, phlegmy hack, “don’t try and cute your way out of this. I,” she paused for dramatic effect, “have to go.” She tried to push her way up again but Chloe just pushed her back.

“I will use force if I have to, you know.”

Beca just muttered, grumbling under her breath about the force already being used. Oh! Idea! “I’m not spending my birthday in bed!” She shouted, hoping that would be her get out of jail free card.

“It’s not until tomorrow!” Chloe cried, her mouth hanging open.

“I thought we weren’t allowed to mention that, anyway.” Emily frowned.

“Errr….you are...for the next three minutes…” Beca gave a nod, “so let me up.”

“Nope!” This time Emily shoved her back down.

“I promise if you stay in bed I’ll make it worth it,” Chloe muttered with a small wink and everything in Beca hitched, despite the cold, despite the fact that she might be dying Chloe’s words sent a jolt of anticipation straight through her. She glanced at Emily, her mouth slightly open and then back at Chloe, giving an awkward little laugh.

Emily took one look at her face and pointedly looked away, studying the ceiling – the walls – basically anywhere but at the couple, mumbling a small, “Gross.”

Chloe just beamed at her and rolled her eyes, “I didn’t mean it like  _ that! _ ”

“Well.” Beca grumbled, throwing the blankets off, “Then I am not interested.”

She still didn’t quite make it, though. She was halfway over the road block of Emily’s body when Chloe, moving with the swiftness of a cat, scrambled under the blankets and roped Beca’s waist, pulling her back down.

“Chlooooe!” Beca whined, “I can't just say in bed!” Hack, hack, hack, her whole body shook as she coughed, “Emily,” cough, “save me,” cough, “have to - adulting - stuff!”

Emily frowned, looking like she wasn’t sure she wanted to be in a smaller enclosed place - say the car - with Beca as she sneezed, spraying everything near her with her cold.

“Hey!” Chloe grabbed her chin, pulling her to face her, “Beca! You need-“

“Crap!” She gasped the burning began to build in her nose signaling another sneeze was coming. She had just enough time to rip her face away from the eighteen-week pregnant woman before the hurricane-like sneeze exploded from her – and right into Emily’s face.

The girl just froze, her face scrunched tight as Beca’s hand flew over her mouth a second too late.

“Oh shit!” Beca squeaked, “Dude, I’m so sorry! Trying to avoid – you know, pregnant lady.”

Emily’s hand came up and silently wiped her face, “That’s okay!” But her expression said clearly that it was not okay. “I’m uh, just gonna, um, bathroom.”

Beca watched her go at a speed that was almost impressive, embarrassed and thoroughly grossed out for her. “Sorry!” She meekly called again. “Sorry, Em.”

“ _ Now _ will you listen to me?”

“Dude, I gotta-” Then all protests were gone because Chloe had wrapped herself around her and she was so warm and she smelled like Chloe and she was so comfortable. A wave of coma like sleepiness washed over her as Chloe began to stroke her hair and hum. “No fair, de-devil woman.” She muttered through a yawn but before she could hear more than Chloe’s chuckle, she had drifted away and into sleep.

 

* * *

 

What the hell was  _ that? _

She groaned aloud, clutching the pillow closer to her.

Whhhyyyyyyy? Sleeeeping! She was sleeeping! What was that - she huffed a deep sigh against the pillows. “Aaaamy! Shuuuut up! Why are you always - loud?” She moaned, clamping the pillow over her head.

Awweee, but it was pretty.

Pretty voice.

Pretty but - sleeping - now - please.

Mmmm, she sighed, letting her pillow fall away.

Despite her sleepy, groggy, cold medicine induced coma she felt her ears pricking, listening to the melodic tune.

Wonder if I can get that for Grasshopper.

Whether she wanted it to or not consciousness was slowly beginning to come back to her and as it did she began to understand the words, “ _...happy birthday dear Beeeeca, happy birthday tooo yooooou. _ ”

Beca sighed. Chloe. She could hear Chloe singing.

Oh! Chloe was singing to her! Awwwe!

She huffed, pleasantly burrowing into the blankets while her hand searched for the source.

Where - is - what -

She wrenched one sticky eye open and found that it was dark in the room, the only light coming from the single candle that was sticking out of the small chocolate cupcake.

“Mmmm.”

“Hey, sleepyhead.”

“Mmmm.”

“Wake up and blow this out. Then you can go back to sleep. Well. After you eat it.”

“What? What haaaaappenning?”

“It’s your birthday!”

She tried to process that, rolling over with great effort, “But it’s dark - ness - dark out-” her sleep-drunken finger pointed vaguely toward the dark window.

“It’s midnight. It’s been your birthday for a whole minute!” Chloe beamed.

She wrenched both eyes opened and despite the fact that she felt like she had been hit by a Mac truck she had to smile at the sight of Chloe sitting cross-legged next to her, the candle light catching the sparkle in those vivacious baby-blues and making her hair light as though truly on fire. “Hey, beautiful.” She rubbed her eyes and grinned.

“Hey.” Chloe smiled back. “Come on. Blow.”

“That's -” she yawned, her words coming out messy, “That’s what she said.”

Chloe’s eyes rolled.

“Who do you think the ‘she’ is?” She rambled, pulling herself up a little, “Like - do you think it could be anybody or do you think there was just this one really pissed off guy who started these jokes about his ex-girlfriend and now all ‘that’s what she said’ jokes are about her? Like, how much would it suck to be that one girl?”

“Oh my god, Bec! Blow out the candle, crazy!”

Beca snickered and tried to take a deep breath. The breath got stuck as it always did these days and instead of blowing the candle out she flailed, hacking and coughing until, “awe, boo,” the candle went out.

“Oh!” Chloe covered her mouth as she laughed, “That works too.”

Beca just grumbled and fell back to the pillows, just trying to get a deep breath.

“Hey.”

She opened her eyes - as difficult as that was - and found Chloe hovering over her. Despite the pressure in her chest or her clogged ears, a guilty little smile popped to her face. She liked finding Chloe over her like this.

“Can’t go back to bed without at least a bite.”

“‘Kay,” she rubbed hard at an eye, “gimmie.”

She blamed the Sudafed for her totally missing the little dancing devil in Chloe’s eye. That was the only thing that could have explained her totally missing it. Either way, when she leaned forward to take a lick of the gooey frosting she instead let out a squawk as it was shoved unceremoniously - up her nose. “Bllaaaugh!” She cried, sending chocolate flying, “GLAAAGH WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!”

Chloe cackled, trying to jump off the bed.

“UGH YOU JERK! No, you don’t!” Beca cried.

“It’s your birthday, it’s your birthday! You needed a facial! You needed a special just for Beca birthday facial!” Chloe screamed as Beca dragged her back in, “Uncle! Uncle! Uncle!”

“What? No way! No mercy!” Beca rolled, pouncing over her and pinning her to the bed, a death glare on her face. “I have chocolate in my nose.”

“Mmm, that’s a good look for you.” Chloe grinned, her lip between her teeth.

“Oh yeah? How’s it now?” She cried, rubbing her chocolatey chin across Chloe’s.

Chloe wailed like she had been defeated but leaned up and caught Beca’s chocolate covered lips.

“Hey! You don't want this cold.”

Chloe's grin widened and her voice came out with a teasing lilt, “But I thought you weren't sick, Bec. You've been saying all day that you're not, remember?”

“I'm - not?” She tried, “Yeah I think we need to get back to the topic at hand. Chocolate. Everywhere.”

“Mmm, yum. I don’t know why you’re complaining Bec, you taste pretty good.”

“Hmm-mm.” She couldn’t even be mad as Chloe teasingly sampled the chocolate off her face.

“I think you missed a spot.”

“Where?”

Beca, a strong pout on her lips, pointed to one of the many giant globs of chocolate just beside her upper lip.

“Oh. Let me get that for you.”

Beca hummed in satisfaction as Chloe pulled her in for a long, slow, birthday morning kiss.

“Happy birthday, Beca.” Chloe hummed, her tongue gently tracing the corner of her lips.

 

****

 

“Oh god!  _ Oh! _ Oh god, yeah, right there! Bec, right there!” Chloe’s back arched off the couch, her eyes closing tight as Beca pressed into her. “Oh god, that’s so good,” she moaned out in a long high cry. “ _ Oooh! _ ” Her teeth snared her lip, grabbing it and holding it tightly, her toes rhythmically stretching and curling in response to the delightful sensation. So good. It was just sooo good. Her hand tangled in her own curly hair as her eyes closed. “How are you so good at this?”

Beca’s laughter rumbled, “Yeaaaaaah, that’s right! Say my name, biotch!”

Sudden laughter exploded from her and she dropped unceremoniously back onto the cushions, her hands covering her face as she cackled. “Oh my god!”

“SAY IT!” Beca shouted back, her eyes alight, “SAY MY NAME!”

It had taken a full day and a very high fever but Beca had finally given in and let Chloe take care of her; something that Chloe took great pride in, thank you very much. And now - “ _ Ooooooh, Beca! _ ” Chloe moaned loud, breathy, and desperate. Well, Beca was definitely doing better. She yelped as the touch turned on her and she let out a squeal, kicking and writhing when Beca’s fingers tickled the foot in her hand. “No,no,no,no!”

“I said say it again!” Beca squealed, her fingers moving up to tickle the back of Chloe’s knee. “Say it!”

“Okay, okay, okay! Fuck,  _ Beca! _ ” She moaned low in her throat, “ _ Aaahhh! Ooh! Oh god! _ ” She gave her best impression of what, thanks to ‘Jungle Gym’, she knew she sounded like in bed.

Together the redhead and the brunette broke into hysterical giggles until tears began to run down their faces.

Beca’s thumbs went back to kneading the balls of Chloe’s feet.

“Okay, okay, I totally know what I’m hearing is not what it sounds like and all of that, but um, eww. So, uh, yeah, stop it...please.” Emily grumbled around the giant bite of blueberry bagel, her look playfully sour. “Plus,” she mumbled, “knowing you two it could turn from a foot rub into something else  _ really _ quickly which yaaaay, you know I’m  _ so _ happy for you guys but, errm,” Emily shifted and the last words popped out awkwardly blunt, “...stop it. ‘Kay?”

Chloe’s hands covered her mouth to hide her guilty titter; enjoying the glitter in the gunmetal-blue eyes across the couch from her.

Poor Emily. The girl still looked a little shaky and unsteady on her feet after the catastrophic cold that she was barely over. The poor thing had taken quite a hit.

She chuckled again, tossing a look back at Beca and, for a second and just like always, she was briefly caught, bewitched, even though they weren’t looking at her. Beca had beautiful eyes, somehow so expressive despite her constant show of sarcasm.

“Dude,” Beca cleared her throat, her face growing serious as she stared up at Emily, “I can’t help it if I have magical fingers, Em.” Beca pressed into the sore arch and Chloe moaned again behind her clasped hands. She couldn’t help it; Beca  _ was _ very good with her fingers and it felt amazing.

Beca bit her lip, giving Emily her signature smugly blank stare.

Emily just stared back, vacant of all expression and unmoving as she tried to decide if and how she should take that - or if maybe she just wanted to walk right back out of the room again.

The look made Chloe smile, shaking her head a little. She loved these two together, she really did. Who would have thought that they would mesh so well? It really went to prove that you couldn’t always know how life would go. “Yeah you do, baby.” She bit her lip and leaned forward to pull Beca into a kiss.

Beca squawked and batted her off, insisting, “Dude,  how many times do I have to say this? I’m going to get you sick and you’re the  _ worst  _ when you’re sick.”

“I am not!” Chloe gasped.

“You kind of are, though,” Beca said with a nod and a smirk.

“Well. I don’t know about you, Bec, but I remember a very hot,” Chloe sucked in air through her nose, “And  _ very _ sexy midnight make out session-”

“Ooooh,” Beca’s head tilted to the side as if trying to remember.

“So. It seems silly to keep that kiss from me now.” Chloe reasoned.

Beca laughed, surrendering when Chloe gave another pull and took the long kiss that she wanted. She didn’t let her go until she was satisfied, which was just long enough to make Emily go from ‘ew’ to ‘full gross-out’.

Emily finally unfroze from her spot beside Beca and flopped across from them. After a second she let out a petulant huff, a few strands of hair lifting from her face and falling again.

It made Chloe snicker, giggling against Beca’s lips. If she didn’t know any better, then she would think that Emily had been forced to deal with this  _ often _ over the past few weeks. Okay, so maybe she did...sometimes...or a lot...whichever. She was only human and Beca...she was so adorably sexy. It couldn’t be helped.

“Awwwww, are we making you uncomfortable, Flashlight?” Beca asked, purposely speaking into the skin of Chloe’s neck.

Clearing her throat was the only answer that Emily gave them so Beca mischievously pressed into Chloe’s foot again and she played along; moaning, thrashing, shaking, making Emily’s face turn puce. “Oh Beca, yes! Yes! YES! DO IT AGAIN!  _ Oooooooooooooh! _ ”

Emily just shook her head, “Nope. Noooope. God, you think I would be used to that since I hear it like  _ every fricking day _ in ‘Jungle Gym’ but somehow the live show is just  _ so _ much more embarrassing.”

The two broke apart, laughing, loving their moment of teasing their friend, only.... oh no! Chloe leaned back, burying herself into the couch's throw pillows. Though it was supposed to be a joke she felt her body purring to life, hitching and responding. Covertly she bit her lip, sucking on it lightly as her legs shifted, rubbing against one another in Beca’s lap ever so slightly.

“Awwww, don’t be embarrassed!” Chloe gave Emily a teasing pout, trying to ignore the feeling singing to life in her belly. Emily flung a chunk of her bagel at her. Chloe yelped, holding up a pillow as a shield. “Eeeeeeeemily! What’s wrong, sweetie?”

“Yeah dude, your cheeks are a little red. You okay there?”

Emily rolled her eyes but no one was fooled.

Beca laughed, teasing some more but Chloe was having a hard time focusing, distracted by the way that Beca’s fingers moved lithely over her ankle. She cleared her throat. Oh boy.

The problem was, though it had been a few months now, she pretty much wanted Beca’s hands on her all of the time. It couldn’t be helped. She loved it all too much! She loved how Beca felt, how Beca tasted, how Beca sounded. She loved the way that Beca touched her with such dedication; she loved the hunger that a simple glance could wake in Chloe. She was addicted to all of it. It didn’t help that no one could make her laugh like Beca could, and no one was truly her very best friend like Beca was. Okay, wait, there was Aubrey…but that was totes different!

There was just no such thing as enough of Beca.

Just the mere thought of Beca’s twitching stomach muscles, of the way her eyes rolled, her noises, of exactly how Beca would touch her - it was enough to send her running from wherever she was in the condo in search of her new lover. It had her constantly dragging Beca away from the activity she had been doing in order to satisfy this new and unquenchable need.

So while the joke had been fun, funny even, that warm flood had begun in her stomach; that sensitive pooling desire that she was still getting used to and she was pretty sure that there was really only one thing that could soothe it.

With the feeling came the delicious thoughts of just what they could be doing at that exact moment, how Beca’s mouth would feel, the things they would talk about tangled together under the blankets when they had exhausted themselves.

She cleared her throat, trying to skip over the feeling. It was so not the time!

It was Beca’s own fault that she couldn’t get enough of her. If she would just stop being so damn desirable and Beca-like....

She watched Beca tease Emily, running her hand through her hair, rolling her eyes as her finger absently traced the side of Chloe’s foot.

She squirmed a little at the casual touch.

Yeah. It was Beca’s own damn fault.

Beca glanced over, laughter radiant on her face, making Chloe jump, caught. She could see that Beca was waiting for Chloe to respond to whatever it was that she had said but Chloe had completely missed it; her mind elsewhere. Her lips twisted as, slightly guilty, she watched Beca’s blue eyes flick over Chloe’s face before the laughing twinkle doubled, “Ha! That joke backfire on you a little bit, Chlo?”

Was she that obvious? Her face suddenly flushed hot and she squirmed again, sucking harder on her lip, “Maybe. A little bit,” she admitted. Her hands were sweaty, her legs gave a twitch and the feeling only intensified as Beca’s focus narrowed, growing slightly hungry in that way that nothing seemed to stop – not hell or high water or even – as they had recently learned – illness.

Chloe saw that, saw the small change in her best friend and felt that warm pressure grow in her belly, branching out and begging to be satisfied.

“Seeee!” Emily cried, her hands tossing in the air as a throwback cough racked through her, “This is what I mean! Darn it! I can’t even - ugh -”

“I’m sooorrrrrry!” Chloe whined, not all that repentant. She felt bad that she was so obvious...kind of...but like… _ Beca… _

“Gross.” Emily hopped up, looking around the room frantically, “I’ma - I’m gonna - yeah, gonna go grab my stuff from upstairs and pretend that I didn’t just see your face, Chlo. Yeah. Gonna - gonna go do that. But uh, No funny business. We gotsta go. Becs - Becs - Beca!”

Beca had lost track of the conversation a bit, her finger running up and down the top of Chloe’s foot, watching the way it made her twitch.

“Beca!”

“Wha - um, what?” Beca jumped, eyes going wide as she tried to look innocently back at their friend, “Yeah? What’s up, Em?”

“We have to go! We’re already soooo behind schedule!”

Beca’s lips pursed, “But like...isn’t one of the benefits of  _ me _ doing this album that we can make our own schedule?” She gave Chloe a glance that made those delightful little butterflies begin to flap their wings in her stomach.

“That’s funny,” Chloe smirked, “I can swear I said that to  _ you _ when you were sick.”

Wordlessly Beca reached over and covered Chloe’s mouth, smiling up at Emily.

“Maybe once Grasshopper is open, boss-man Becs.” Emily laughed, bouncing a little in place.

Chloe, mouth still covered, felt the devilish urge to bite the hand away but instead, knowing it would drive Beca crazy, lightly brushed her tongue across the skin.

Beca’s face went beet red…but she did not pull her hand away.

Chloe’s secret little grin grew as Beca turned back to her, eyes already doing a hundred things to Chloe.

“Beca!”

“Hmm?”

“We gotta go!”

Beca jumped, finally pulling her hand away and making Chloe pout, “Right! Gotta go, right! Gonna - do that - be ready -for that.”

Chloe wet her lips as soon as Emily was gone, feeling like a teenager who was hiding her half-naked date in the closet as her parents said goodnight. “I’d say that we have about a minute.”

Beca scoffed, “I can work with that.”

“A minute? Really Beca? You think you can do it in  _ a minute? _ ” She meant to sound bold, mocking, and maybe a little sarcastic but it just came out wobbly like maybe she wouldn’t be totally surprised…because maybe she wouldn’t be.

“You know it, baby.” Beca smirked, making Chloe’s eyes roll, “Come on, let’s test the theory,” Beca grinned, her shoulder bouncing cockily as she scrambled over Chloe.

Their lips met, pulling a small little moan from Chloe; her fingers linking around Beca’s neck.

She would happily take that challenge.

Beca’s hands clamped down on her hips, her thumbs pressing just under Chloe’s hipbones; holding her under her because she knew that Chloe liked the pressure.

Chloe gasped against Beca’s lips. Oooh, her whole body tingled with happy pleasure. How many times over the last months had their mouths met like this? How was it still so all-consuming? Her back arched and Beca slowly, torturously licked across her bottom lip before slipping inside. Chloe pulled her in tighter, delighting in the skill of her tongue, in the weight of her against her body, in the happy chuckle Beca released.

“If it counts for anything, I totally felt the same way when you started moaning my name.” Beca’s voice had grown into that hoarse rasp that always melted Chloe’s inside.

She let out a little pant at the thought and deepened the kiss. Oh god, how was it that Beca could do this to her so easily? “You did?”

“Mmmm.”

And that little hum! She loved it when Beca made that noise. “ _ Becaaa, _ ” she purposely purred, her nose running over Beca’s ear.

She felt Beca’s body hitch against her, that same little body hitch that was usually the preamble to Beca losing herself completely. Chloe felt it and her body responded, her hips giving a roll, seeking her. She bit her lip, swallowing back a happy laugh. She loved it.

She heard Beca’s breath catch in her ear, just one delightful little catch and then Chloe was moaning, really moaning as quietly as she could when Beca’s hand cupped her, pressing. Her teeth snagged her brunette's ear, whimpering as Beca whispered that she wanted a real one, a real moan. The heel of Beca’s palm pressed and Chloe didn’t have a choice. She stiffened a bit and hiccupped a small, “ _ Bec _ ,” that she was pleased to have absolutely no control over.

Oh god.

Oh god, this woman. “No fair,” Chloe half laughed, half whimpered. “You’re gonna make me all –  _ oh _ \- and then leave –  _ ahh _ .” Her hand covered Beca’s, pressing tighter against her jeans, making her fingers more deliberate.

“Yeah? For a woman who’s complaining you don’t actually seem all that eager to stop.”

Chloe hissed, a small laugh ghosting from her lips, “I have no idea what you mean.”

This was the best kind of torture. Maybe… maybe Emily could go on ahead of Beca or - she gasped, her head falling back, lifting her off the couch, “Oh! Stay home. Call in sex – I mean sick.”

Beca laughed, her teeth catching the spot just under Chloe’s chin, “No, I think you had it right the first time.”

Chloe couldn’t even find it in herself to be embarrassed.

“Well,” Beca cleared her throat and tried again, “well since the person I would have to call into is  _ Emily _ , I think the jig might be up, Chlo. Plus,  _ sssooooomeone _ already made me call this week.”

“Damn it! Stop it! Oh! Do that again!”

“Guys? I’m coming down!” Emily called from the top of the stairs, her voice wary, “Guys! Hello? Oh come on, don’t make me walk in on you  _ again _ .”

Chloe let out a breathy laugh against Beca’s cheek, her hips rolling against the thigh that Beca had just offered. “We-we should stop.”

“Mmmhmm.”

“Bec-oh god, Bec,”

“Yeah! Right! Okay. Stopping. Um. Stopping now.” Beca chuckled again, “If that same  _ sssooooomeone _ hadn’t been so dead to the world this morning…”

Chloe gasped, her fingers beginning to itch for Beca’s skin. She ran her hands up and over her torso, “Well,  _ sssooooomeone _ could have woken me up!”

“What?” Beca pulled back an inch so they were pressed nose to nose, “You can’t just wake up a snoring pregnant lady! That’s totally just not right, like kicking puppies or, I don’t know, stealing all of the ‘Who’s’ Christmas presents.” Beca mumbled as she worked her way down Chloe’s cheek, neck and across Chloe’s collarbone; her free hand pulling the shirt down as far as she could.

Chloe gave a playful grunt, her hands slipping greedily under Beca’s shirt, “I do not snore!”

“Ughmygod!” Beca moaned into her skin, doing things that made Chloe’s eyes roll, “Sure, Chlo.”

“Hey!”

“Tomorrow morning I’m going to wake up early and take a video of you ‘not snoring’.”

“Don’t you dare!”

“Yup, totally gonna happen.”

“Ohmygod, don’t you-”

“Gah! See! Damn it! I told you!” Emily covered her eyes, the other hand going out in front of her and covering her view, “I need - like - I need to keep a squirt bottle on me so I can hose you two off.”

Chloe frowned down at Beca’s flushed face that had buried itself in her chest, grunting in frustration. “I guess that’s all we can do for now.”

“Ew!” Emily cried, stomping in a way that even Chloe could see looked like her.

Beca laughed, pushing herself up and off of Chloe. She clicked her tongue, “Don’t hate, Em!”

Emily’s warm brown eyes lit, laughter dancing as she cupped her hand over her mouth and cried in a high falsetto, “Appre-she-ateee!” And the two broke into laughter at their own inside joke.

Chloe laughed right along, though perhaps she was laughing at them a little more than  _ with _ them. She loved her silly losery girls and she loved that they brought the dork out in one another.

“‘Kay - yeeeeaah - ,” Beca ran her hands through her hair, her face growing honestly serious as she began to gather herself for work, “we have to go anyway. We’re so behind schedule.”

Emily’s arms flapped, gesticulating wildly, “That’s what I’ve been  _ saying! _ ”

“Hey! It wasn’t me who said I had to stay home! That’s all you two!”

Emily just groaned, rubbing at her still slightly red nose.

Chloe readjusted herself on the couch, trying to force her body to cool, “You think you’ll be home for dinner?”

“Oh yeah, totally,” Beca nodded, absently, searching out her phone, her keys, and her cigarettes.

“What are we having?” Emily piped up, grinning like an excited schoolgirl as she assumed her invitation.

“Mmm, I don’t know, what do you want?”

Emily’s eyebrows pulled together, worriedly uncertain, “Um, I dunno, food?”

“Oooh!” Beca cried, “Yeah! We should  _ totally _ have that! Dude! Right, Chlo? Doesn’t that sound freaking amazing? I’m  _ so _ in the mood for that.”

“But I mean like something that's not entirely green would be like kind of awesome!” Emily said with a fast almost apologetic wince, “Or um, whatever you want, Chlo!”

Chloe rolled her eyes, “Thaaanks! You’re both so helpful.” But even with the rolling eyes, she felt her insides bubbling with easy happy warmth. She adored them both so much.

“I don’t know,” Beca clicked her tongue, her attention still elsewhere, “It was a near call. I think I just saved the evening, Chlo. I could have come home to find you cooking the couch. I just saved your life.”

“Hmm, I don’t think that’s what I’ll be serving, Bec,” she purred, her teeth snaring her lip again.

Beca’s head snapped up and she just stared back, twitching slightly, as though she couldn’t believe that Chloe had used that voice...right then...Chloe and that voice...right then.

Emily just frowned, glancing between them, “Wait, what did I miss?”

Chloe fluttered her eyelashes in teasing innocence, “What’s wrong, Bec?”

“Nothing!” Beca cried, shaking her head, flustered and bumbling. “She’s uh, yeah, she’s not going to repeat that –  _ like that _ \- right now - I uh- gotta go, supposed to have – paperwork – P.J. - so uh, what? What was I saying?”

Giggling, Chloe tossed one of the throw pillows at her. It smacked into the side of Beca’s body, too distracted to think of stepping out of the way. “Let’s go out.”

“Ohhh, yeah!” Emily all but jumped up and down. “I think Benji is even off tonight. Oh! Oh! Can we-”

“Teppanyaki, yeah, yeah, we know, Em.” Both Chloe and Beca groaned, making Emily blush while still somehow managing to look thoroughly unapologetic.

“They make it for you  _ at your table! _ ” Emily cried it as though this answered everything.

“I think finally going is a good idea! It’s Emily’s night!”

“Frick yeah! Yay!” She giggled, going up on her toes for a second with excitement as her fists shook.

The decision had come on kind of suddenly, in truth. A week or two ago Beca and Emily hadn’t even talked about recording another album together. Instead, Beca’s primary focus had been on the fact that P.J., her boss at ‘Moment One Recordings’, had decided that he wanted Beca to not only open a second studio but also turn it into the third  _ label _ under his umbrella. It was pretty much everything Beca had ever wanted. Well. She wanted her  _ own _ independent label, but Chloe was confident that was still coming somewhere down the road.

‘Grasshopper Recordings’, as Beca was calling it, was nowhere near ready for its doors to be opened yet but, under that name, Beca had decided that her first piece of business should be recording the next Emily Elliott album.

It was true Beca had two other clients at the moment; Hope, a young soon to be and Kendra, the woman who had launched her career by buying and recording ‘Flashlight’; however neither Kendra nor Hope were quite ready to record yet. Hope was young - really young and a bit gun shy and Kendra currently lived in New York so Emily seemed like the logical choice.

Chloe had thought the idea was great. She knew that Beca and Emily loved to toss ideas back and forth about what the album could be in their spare time. She also thought, though Beca would never say it, that recording Emily’s album first was her way of bringing ‘good energy’, as Chloe would say, to the new label –  _ her _ label; starting things off right. Yes, they would still be in her dinky studio at ‘Moment One’ for now, but recording at ‘Moment One’ under the ‘Grasshopper’ label was good enough until they could move.

No, it was more than good enough for now.

Beca had been trying so hard to play it cool for the last ten days but Chloe could see through her act, not that Beca was that great of an actor anyway! She could totally see just how excited she got whenever the subject of moving herself over to Grasshopper was mentioned. She didn’t buy her pretend nonchalance for a second!

They had no idea when Grasshopper would be ready. Currently, the carpets were being ripped up and replaced and the sound equipment was being handpicked by Beca herself. Chloe had to assume it would open sometime before January when Kendra would be moving into her six month L.A. sublet.

The thought made her mind wander, yet again, over the idea of an opening party. She hadn’t been able to decide if Beca would love it or hate it if she threw something like a housewarming party, something to celebrate her wonderful girl. She was willing to bet that Beca would secretly kind of love it. She’d have to put a pin in that and come back to it. Maybe even snag Emily one afternoon for a chat.

“Okay, I’m good with Teppanyaki.” Beca sighed, “I’ll see how the afternoon goes and let you know what time?”

Chloe nodded, still slightly distracted as she pictured a grasshopper shaped cake.

“Okay, cool.”

“Have a good day, guys! Play nice with the other children.”

Beca stopped, feeling around in her pockets as she always did just before she stepped out of the door, making sure she had everything. Chloe could see her mentally ticking each thing off one by one and then, as though she realized what she had forgotten, she turned and all but sprinted back to the couch.

Chloe let out a small giggle, her heart giving a leap as Beca pulled her into one more long and deep kiss.

Fingers traced down her jaw and Chloe let out a sigh.

Butterflies. And magic.

Ugh, if she had known that Beca would be this way, so skilled, so    passionate, so tender, she might have jumped her so much earlier than she had.

She internally scoffed; yes, that was a drastic oversimplification of how they had become lovers. It hadn’t been like that, but still, she wished it  _ had _ been that simple, and that she had done it years ago because it was amazing.

She was amazing.

Not that she hadn’t known that already.

But this side of Beca  _ was _ still coming as a surprise to her, a delightful surprise. She had seen Beca with her ex-boyfriend, Jesse, for years, she had seen Beca with Hunny, her drug addict ex-girlfriend, and frankly she had received her own fair amount of special Beca treatment, but nothing had ever given Chloe any hint that she could expect this.

It was wonderful.

She let herself surrender fully to the kiss, loving that she could do that with Beca, loving that she made her feel like she was both slipping into a warm bath and touching an exposed outlet all at once.

Her fingers, as they always did, closed around the back of Beca’s neck, hooking her in as she let out a small contented sound.

Beca eventually pulled away and Chloe sighed, unwillingly opening her eyes. A breath away, she could see the blue of Beca’s eyes dancing between her own, her smile so large that it was giving Beca something very much like dimples. Automatically Chloe smiled back, her breath hitching in her chest, feeling  _ it _ rise, this new - thing - between them, this new  _ development _ . Her heart picked up pace instantly, beating so quickly that it turned everything from warm and fuzzy flutters to softly uncomfortable chest pains.

_ Oh god. Oh no. _

Her breathing slammed to a stop in anticipation, but Beca just leaned in and gave her another quick kiss, like all she wanted from the day was to lie there and kiss her. Then she turned and headed out of the front door, tossing her a wink and calling, “Don’t forget to pack for this weekend!”

Chloe let out a shuttering laugh, her hand at her throat as she blinked slowly, dumbly frazzled; both extremely disappointed and grossly relieved.

Beca hadn’t said it again - not once in the last ten days, but Chloe could see it there, waiting on the tip of Beca’s tongue and trying to keep cover in her eyes. She could see it and it made Chloe’s heart beat with joy and her stomach grow slick like oil; sweet wine peppered with panic.

She had been sleeping with Beca for months now, easy, happy months; months of laughter and discovery. Perfect months. Chloe bit her lip again, her expression darkening; happy months but - in the back of her mind she felt that threatening dark cloud again, sitting in wait, ready to soak them in bitter reality.

Beca had said it to her and Chloe knew that Beca had meant it with every part of her soul.

But.

The problem was…

Chloe couldn’t  _ be _ with Beca.

And Chloe hadn’t said it back.

_ Still _ hadn’t said it back.

She hadn’t avoided it or anything like that - but she also hadn’t said it back. Of course she knew that Beca understood, Beca always understood. But...

Beca had said ‘I love you’ but Chloe couldn’t - she couldn’t be with Beca - not like that.

That had always been true, she had always been honest with Beca, she had always said that it couldn’t happen - and for the most part, it hadn’t mattered, things had been fine as they were, light and fun... But that ‘I love you’ - it had reminded Chloe of that dark threatening thing. They couldn’t be together.

_ So  _ she  _ couldn’t _ say it back.

They  _ couldn’t! _ How  _ could _ they? Even if they decided that they wanted to, how the hell could they?

Chloe groaned into the empty condo, rubbing hard at her eyes until she saw spots.

Beca’s lifestyle didn’t exactly cater well to a wife and child, not when Beca was this young...because, though Beca had just had a birthday a few days ago, she was still very young… and her business, it hadn’t even begun to  _ try _ and get off the ground. It was even younger than she was.

She couldn’t.  _ Beca couldn’t _ .

Because that was exactly what it would be - being together...it would be an automatic marriage...or at least a marriage-like relationship; not only because of this baby but because best friends turned lovers couldn’t be  _ casual _ . You couldn’t casually date someone you knew that well, it just wasn’t in the cards, it wasn’t in the nature of the thing. Even if they both decided that they wanted to take it slow, even if there was no piece of paper, even if she stayed Chloe Beale instead of becoming Chloe Mitchell...that was what it would be.

And Chloe appreciated that.

She respected that.

And she couldn’t have it.

Not right now.

Plus...even if Chloe wanted to jump right in and say that Beca  _ was _ her girlfriend - how could she? They had never even been on a date, not a real and official one with jitters and a movie and dinner. It wasn’t their fault; their lives had just been a little chaotic since Chloe had arrived. There hadn’t been a lot of rest or a lot of time to find out who they were together.

This in between thing worked for them.

Mostly.

Plus, things would have to be different soon anyway, right? Now that this baby was on the way...or at least...it seemed like this baby was on the way...they couldn’t just - no, things had to be different.

Beca would  _ want _ things to be different.

Right now she knew that she hardly seemed pregnant. She was only eighteen weeks and she was barely showing for eighteen weeks, but eventually she was going to get huge - and scary and gross and so, so,  _ so _ pregnant - and Beca would lose interest in her inflated, swollen, achy body.

Chloe was sure of that.

And if she didn’t...well…

Chloe had been looking for her life, she needed it, she needed to be her own person, to be autonomous. She had been looking for an apartment; she had been working on transferring her teaching credentials to the state of California.

She couldn’t  _ let _ Beca...even if Beca wanted to...

She bit her lip, nerves raw.

She just…

She couldn’t…

Because what if…

Fear bubbled sickly in her throat and her hand reached up, fluttering over her heart. Without thinking she grabbed Beca’s hoodie from the floor, pulling it on and wrapping herself tightly in it. She smiled a little as she took a deep breath, taking in the scent of its owner and feeling the wave of comfort that washed over her in response. She loved this sweater; it was her happy place - only topped by the woman herself. She was fairly sure that Beca would not be getting it back.

Pulling the hood up over her curls, she cuddled in deeper, her mind drifting back to that moment; Beca pinned under her on the floor, her face shining with joyful vulnerability.

The words hadn’t just popped out of Beca. It hadn’t been forced out from their fall like a cork out of a champagne bottle. Beca had looked at her, had studied her face and she had  _ said _ it...which was  _ so _ unBeca-like. She didn’t wear her heart on her sleeve; she just didn’t do that kind of thing. Chloe had been able to feel just how much Beca had needed to say it, how good it had felt and…

Chloe had known love. She had known love over and over again in her life, her parents - in their own ways - Aubrey, Nick, countless boyfriends and friends over the years - and yet she had never seen love like that on someone’s face, never seen it glow so radiant, never felt it coming from someone so thoroughly. And she had never felt so safe in someone’s hands before.

Chloe bit her lip, hugging herself; a smile pulling despite her nervous tension.

She had never seen anyone  _ love her _ so thoroughly.

She couldn’t be with Beca - she couldn’t let Beca actively love her - she couldn’t, she just - she couldn’t. But - that smile, the way her eyes had danced popped back into her head and despite herself - Chloe sank deeper into the couch, beaming.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Just a reminder: You have to read 'I Love You, Awesome Nerd' before this one. A lot of this story won't make sense unless you do since this is a sequel.** _

* * *

 

“It just - I don’t -  it - ugh, it doesn’t make any freaking _sense_ , Chloe!” Beca stammered, her voice too loud and too high in pitch to be calm or normal. “I just - like - am _I_ the one that’s crazy? I don’t get how you don’t see that!”

“I am _not_ crazy, Beca!” Chloe tried to cut in but Beca just continued over her.

“Why would you move _now?_ That’s like brushing your teeth _before_ you go out for a cigarette! Or -”

“Well, I guess I wouldn’t really know about that, would I, Beca?” Chloe snapped right back from across the kitchen, her ice-blue eyes flashing with menace.

Beca’s head fell back on her shoulders, biting back a groan. Okay, so maybe she was going to strangle this stupid annoying beautiful frustrating freaking woman. Maybe that was just where life was taking her right now. Well - she didn’t really condone violence - sometimes - kind of - mostly - violence against Chloe anyway - so maybe just snuggling - like - really, really hard snuggling - maybe?

Dragging her feet, she grabbed the expensive piece of Tupperware that Chloe had haphazardly thrown toward the box and shoved it in, not caring that it stuck halfway out at an odd angle. “Oh don’t give me that, Chlo, there was that time my sophomore year when you and I bought that pack of cigarettes and smoked them like all freaking week. So stop acting all high and mighty. ‘K-thanks?”

“It was finals!” Chloe flung back as though that somehow justified it.

“Yeah, that you purposely failed, dude!”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Wha-” Beca spluttered, “Because! That's the whole -” frazzled Beca just moved on, unable to keep her angry mouth closed, “Also, yeah, I get it. _Somehow_ , I got the vague smoke signal message that you don’t want me to smoke. I don’t know _how_ ,” she cried, “but I did.”

“Oh stop it, Beca.” She chided.

“I’m just saying! In case you haven’t heard, consider it officially noted - again. ‘Kay, Chlo? I got it.”

Chloe scoffed, tossing another container toward the box, “Forgive me for not wanting you to get _cancer_ , Bec! How irrational of me!”

“Ughmygod, can you at least throw the freaking crap in the box?” Beca shrilled, her hands waving madly, “We’re not playing freaking fetch!” Chloe just turned away, “And don’t worry, I think the whole point of this is that soon you won’t be around to watch me get it! Right? That’s the message here, right?”

“Oh my _god, really_ , Beca? Really?” Chloe’s foot stomped as she roared; reaching far into the cupboard for the items that were stuck in the back, “I can’t - freaking – _believe_ you’re acting like this right now! What is _wrong_ with you today?”

Beca scoffed, “Seriously? You’re - you’re serious right now?” She held up a glass bowl and put it into the ‘for Nick’; pile on the table when Chloe gave her a quick head jerk.

All day. They had been fighting all freaking day. _All - freaking – day._ It was starting to drive Beca a little freaking crazy. Actually, this whole stupid thing was driving her crazy because like -  it didn’t make any sense _at all!_ And leave it to Chloe to totally not see that! Why? Why the hell would Chloe move out _right now?_ Why would Chloe, who was unemployed, broke, and about to have a freaking _baby,_ move the fuck out of the only safe and steady place she had to live? Right now? Why?

“Is it just because you’re tired?” Chloe asked, eyes wide with anger as she continued to shuffle through the years’ worth of crap hidden in this kitchen, “Is that why you’re so cranky?”

“Cranky? What; am I a toddler? Do I need to go down for a nap now, Chlo?”

Chloe ignored her, not bothering at all to listen to her irritable ranting, “Because if so then let’s go to Starbucks. Are you hungry? Did you eat the Lara bar that I brought you?”

Beca let out a splutter, “I don’t need to _eat_ , Chlo! Are you serious?”

Chloe just moved on over her, “What do you need? What do you need so that we can have a _rational_ conversation about this?”

“Rational!” Beca dryly laughed, “Yes! Please! That, let’s do that!”

They had started on their road trip very early that morning, hoping to make it into Henderson long before Nick got off of work at Noon. So there was a _small_ chance that Chloe was right and they were just cranky - but like - tiny - if at all -

Beca had assumed that, yeah, the trip was going to be a little weird, of course it would be. There was literally no way that it wouldn’t be. Everything about this was just bad. But she hadn’t seen this coming. She figured they would get here, start packing up Chloe’s belongings, spend some time with her fucking _husband_ and her husband’s _girlfriend_ and then run off to their hotel for some relaxation and possible hotel sex - before doing it all over again the next day.

This was supposed to be an easy in and out mission.

But noooooo! Chloe had thrown a wrench in things when, just as they were leaving the Los Angeles city limits, she had cheerfully announced that she had an appointment to see an apartment that following Wednesday morning.

Thank god Beca hadn’t been driving because she had been so damn stunned that she probably would have freaking crashed them into a pole or something.

It just...it had come out of fucking nowhere!

Like...she hadn’t even known she was looking...

“I’m _trying to be rational about this_ , Beca, I am! But you’re being kind of ridiculous. Like - bear trap ridiculous.”

Beca scoffed, instantly offended and once again wishing that - _thing_ \- had never become a measuring scale for them. Like, she had almost died. Not really a great system - or something that she wanted to be reminded of this often. “Oh, don’t eeeeven-”

“I mean, isn’t having somewhere to live a normal adult thing?”

“You _have_ somewhere to live, Chloe!”

“Ooooh, my god, you can keep saying my name over and over again, Beca, but it’s not going to make you any more _right_ here.”

“Gaaah!” Beca just cried at her; a small vent for the giant frustration she was choking on.

“Okay, I’ll rephrase! Isn’t having somewhere of _your own_ to live a normal adult thing? Come _on_ , Bec! This is all so silly! How are we even fighting about this?”

“Maybe.” Beca grumpily grumbled, studying the pan in her hands, “Unless it makes more sense to do something else.”

Chloe let out an annoyed growl and threw open another cupboard.

Yeah. This was going really well.

They had started fighting just a few minutes after Chloe’s sudden reveal, though not necessarily about her appointment - okay, not about her appointment at all. At first, it had been that Chloe wanted to stop at this little side of the road produce truck since she had forgotten to eat before they left - despite Beca reminding her like four freaking times. Then it had been about music choice, Chloe’s driving, Beca’s driving, speeding and a lack thereof. Basically, they had fought for five hours about everything and yet nothing of actual importance. Beca would almost be proud of them if she didn’t feel like a rubber band stretched too tight. They had finally fallen into a stiff silence after: “Look, I just want to get there with enough time to get the job done. Okay? I can’t really afford to be away from the studio any more than I already will be. Oh and, I would, like, reeeeally love to get there _before_ Nick does so I can have some time to adjust - or whatever - and we won’t if you keep driving this damn slow! Goddamnitthespeedlimitisseventy!” Which, of course, brought on: “Oh my god, Beca! If it was so _inconvenient_ for you to come then why did you insist on coming? You didn’t have to! I told you I could do this myself. God, why are you in such a bad mood today?” “Yeah, you did, but then you looked at me with those freaking puppy dog eyes because, clearly, you didn’t want to come alone and-” “I looked at you with puppy dog eyes? Really? You’re saying you took time off of work that you didn’t want to take because of how I looked at you? I’m supposed to take that seriously, Beca?” “Fine!” Beca had finally cried, “Whatever. Let’s just - let’s just get there.”

It wasn’t until they were pulling into the driveway of Chloe’s Henderson home that Chloe finally grew tired of playing along with Beca’s pretense. The silence had finally broken as they pulled onto the 564, turning into the latest argument: whether it would be easier to load Chloe’s belongings into the car if it was parked in the driveway or out on the street curb. Frustrated Chloe had slammed the car door as she stomped out and cried in exasperation, “I can’t believe you’re acting this way just because I’m looking at an apartment!”

Beca, thrown by Chloe’s sudden exclamation, had nearly tripped over nothing as she stumbled out of the car, her huge doe eyes blinking fast, “I’m not!” Beca had shouted back but they both knew it was a lie...which it was...and also wasn’t...

“This is just - so - ridiculous!” Chloe growled, her head shaking in disbelief as she placed another glass container - that looked very much like two others - into the ‘keep’ box, making Beca’s teeth grit. “Beca, I get it,” She sighed, her arms crossing as she glared, “you like having me around and you don’t want me to go. So why can’t you just _say_ that instead of acting like this?”

Beca scoffed, the fast ‘pssssh’ coming off of her lips so obstinately that a few specks of saliva went flying as well. Ew. She frowned, sending the titian-haired woman a glance. She really hoped, despite the fighting, that Chloe hadn’t seen that. Yeah they were fighting – _now_ \- but eventually they would be doing less fighting and more - other things - and that had been gross.

Luckily, it seemed that Chloe hadn’t seen, busy in her rant, “Yes, it’s been fun and I love it, I do, but sometimes that is just how things have to be. I need to move! I’m sorry that you don’t like it!”

Beca scoffed again. Usually Chloe had a near freaky ability to read her thoughts and feelings; sometimes answering questions before Beca ever asked them but this time - today - yeah, Chloe must have a bug in her Beca-centered third eye or something. She didn’t really know what to say in the face of Chloe’s insistence so instead her hands went to the back of her hips, her head falling back a bit as she loudly cried, “I thought you said you wanted to pack lightly!”

“Oh, and now you’re going to tell me what to pack?” Chloe’s chin jilted, her lips pursed into a snarky line.

“You know what?” Beca’s hands went into the air, “Never mind! Whatever!”

“It’s my _mother's_! It’s part of a set!”

But Beca was already moving across the room and ignoring her.

This fight was stupid, they both knew it, but both seemed equally powerless to stop it without bringing up the real issue...or...what Chloe thought the real issue was...or something...whatever. This was getting complicated.

Ugh!

She and Chloe had been doing this unofficial thing for a few months - which, Beca loved. God, she loved it. It was literally the stuff of dreams. Having Chloe back in her life at all was great, it totally filled that empty spot in her soul that those two years had created. Add to that being able to hug Chloe without fear that she might give something away...or kiss her...holy shit, she still hadn’t gotten over that. She could _kiss_ Chloe now - touch her, have sex with her...like...if she just picked Chloe up right now and threw her across the dining room table she was pretty sure that Chloe wouldn't say no...it might be kind of angry - but Chloe wouldn’t say no. The thought stopped her for a moment and she wondered if that was exactly what she should do. Doing unspeakable things to Chloe on Nick’s table would bring her great vindictive pleasure and she was willing to bet that even if Chloe was pissed at first she wouldn't be able to stay pissed. But. Angry. Still. But she could...and that was the point. Yeah...she was pretty sure when it came to the amount of luck she had, she was up there with lottery winners and people who survive skydiving without a parachute. Chloe was...the shit. She was so awesome...usually.

And Beca loved it. She loved all of it. She loved being part of Chloe that way; it was literally the stuff of her late-at-night-in-bed-lady-jam dreams. And yes, it _had_ been unofficial which, well, Beca went back and forth on how she felt about that. But like...it was still happening so...she couldn’t really complain, right?

Would she _like_ to call Chloe her girlfriend?

Yeah, totally, of course. So much. For years now.

But it wasn’t the worst thing ever that she couldn’t do that, right? Like - she could have caught Ebola - or - someone could have kidnapped her, mistaking her for Liam Neeson’s daughter - so really - in comparison she really didn’t have the room to complain about this.

Plus, she kind of thought of Chloe that way anyway so what did the _word_ matter? She knew that keeping things ‘light’ was kind of important to Chloe right now. She couldn't remember if Chloe had actually _told_ her that or if she had just intuited it, but either way, she had gotten the message. Actually, at first she had even agreed. Everything had been kind of crazy for months now! Between Nick, Jenny, the baby, her stupid freaking car accident, and Kendra and Hunny and...stuff, it had seemed like the worst timing ever so she had gone along for the title-less ride. It didn’t matter. It wasn’t a big deal. Okay - it mattered a little bit...kinda...a lot...sort of.

But oh well.

Whatever.

This was what she got right now and they had been living like girlfriends anyway, cooking together at night, picking stuff up for the other one at the store, teasing, laughing, kissing, cuddling.

Things were good.

Things were fine.

This was awesome.

Or at least they had been. Before the _thing_.

Beca liked to think of it as ‘Incident L’...when she thought of it...which she tried not to do pretty much ever - and which she was doing pretty much _always_ because her brain was a dick and just wouldn’t stop.

Apparently, she was a total freaking sap - which was, you know, great to find out and everything - but to be fair and in her own defense that whole, um, those specific um, three words – _thing_ had been kind of true for-like-pretty-much-ever.

Did she kind of wish she hadn’t said it? Maybe? Okay, yeah, totally. She did. A lot. Because it was still hanging out there like a dead fish! People were supposed to say it _back_. That was just how it worked. ‘I love you’, ‘awe, I love you too’, ta-da!

She watched Chloe move across the room and pour herself a glass of water, drinking it down while her flickering eyes purposely avoided Beca. Then, with a huff, she poured another glass and handed it to Beca as though she felt guilty for excluding her.

Beca considered, kind of vindictively, refusing it but instead took a sip and set it back down with a nod of thanks.

Chloe’s long eyelashes beautifully fluttered for just a second, looking like she hated that they were arguing and then she gave a huge, theatrical sigh and went back to the cupboards.

Oh god, _what had she been thinking?_ Why had she said it?

She _hadn’t_ been thinking.

That was kind of the point.

She had been high on those little silver keys that PJ had given her. She hadn’t been in her right mind.

She didn’t do love confessions. She had literally gone years without ever saying that to Chloe. _Years_. What the hell had she been thinking?

Yeah, there had been this moment in the sound booth that one day - and there had been this _thing_ when she had taken her rings off of her but...had she gone crazy?!

...Though _if_ she had thought to say - that, she probably would have told herself that this was _Chloe_ ...the woman who had taught her to use ‘I love you’ as a substitute for goodbye in the early days of their friendship. This was _Chloe_ , the most heartfelt, passionate person that Beca knew; of course she would say it back. Chloe fucking loved everyone. She loved all of their friends, she loved their pets, Chloe fucking loved the homeless guy that they saw on the corner every day.

That was who Chloe was.

She loved.

Only she hadn’t.

And Beca hadn’t even noticed at first. She had been too shocked that she said it. It hadn’t been awkward or weird exactly; not in that moment. Both had been so caught up in their news that Beca hadn’t even realized that Chloe hadn’t said it back for like an hour. She had been in the shower, her thoughts on other things when she suddenly froze, her mouth popping open and her cheeks instantly flushing red. She had freaked a little bit; thrashing around the shower until Chloe had come in and asked if she was okay.

The humiliation started there and it had only grown since then.

It had almost been two weeks and she felt - she didn’t know. It was fine...mostly...yeah, things had been, she didn’t really know how to describe it, but things had been a little weird since then, but maybe - not totally weird - just a little different. She could feel Chloe waiting and she didn’t know for sure if she was waiting for her to say it again or if she was terrified that she would.

...Maybe she should try it one more time and see what happened - maybe make it casual like ‘ha ha, I love you, awesome nerd’ and see what would happen next.

Only she so couldn’t make herself do it. She _couldn’t!_ Because Chloe hadn’t said it back and she felt like an ass.

Beca kept telling herself not to be too upset by all of this crap. Chloe’s silence, it was just part of that whole unofficial thing, right?

That whole many months long unofficial thing that was happening.

Okay so, she didn’t love it.

But - in Chloe’s defense - she also got that Chloe’s life had been in severe transition for a while now. So had her own. So much had been happening! It was poor timing, that’s all. They would get there. She had been telling herself this for the last ten days, over and over again. It was becoming a mantra. ‘They would get there. It was just bad timing. They would get there. Things were crazyville for them. But they would get there.’

Which was why she felt so damn blindsided by this whole moving out thing. She just didn’t get it. Why did Chloe _need_ to move out? Things were so up in the air for her right now with Nick, planning to look for a job, the baby...them.

She didn’t get it. She understood Chloe looking for work, of course, but even that felt suddenly rushed. Which...why now? Was she running out of cash? Was that it? Because if so then she wished that Chloe would just be honest about that. Beca had plenty of money and would take Chloe in. She really didn’t care, like at all - she was getting the better part of the deal. She could keep her - keep them - stable while Chloe looked for the kind of work that would make her _happy_.

No, Chloe didn't really like it when people did stuff like that for her but really though, if Chloe just cashed in on like half the things that Beca had promised to ‘pay her back’ for over the years of their friendship then Chloe would be more than fine.

Beca was _there!_ Full of resources...and a place to live...and the ability to help Chloe get on her feet...like any freaking best friend would do...

She just - she didn’t want Chloe to be forced to take some stupid job because she had cornered herself by renting an apartment with no way to pay for it - out of some blind sense of this is what I should do because...reasons. Chloe should be teaching! And not yoga - which she was awesome at and everything - or at some demeaning school that didn’t appreciate her. Chloe deserved to be at some private Montessori filled with other crunchy people and spending her days helping children bloom into functional amazing adults who could all sing with perfect pitch.

She knew that Chloe was a freaking great teacher; she had seen it every time she took over the Bellas. She was patient and quick to laughter. It was a rare gift. So she should look for a school that would appreciate how flipping awesome she was. She didn’t want her to settle.

Also, yeah, finding an amazing school and moving out of Beca’s condo - those were different things!

Plus...and she hadn’t said this out loud because Chloe kept insisting this was the problem - and while it was - it also _really_ wasn’t; Beca wanted her there. She liked coming home at night and being met with her smile, she liked finding her in her bed after she brushed her teeth, she liked waking up in a cloud of soft red curls. It wasn't even about Chloe naked - or Chloe’s kissing - she just – _liked_ her. And she had thought they were kind of... _happy_...so...why was she moving?

Chloe couldn’t even give her a reason which only seemed to make Beca’s point too. If there was no reason for it, then why do it?

Things were good the way they were!

They were - happy. Why couldn’t they just be happy for a while?

Okay so, no, admittedly she hadn’t really thought much about what would realistically happen once this baby was born but she had always assumed they would - figure it out. Of course they would. Beca had more than one spare room. There was room for a thing that was approximately the size of a shoebox. And yeah, she _assumed_ that eventually something would have to happen to change things...but she hadn’t thought it would be moving out. She had kind of thought… ugh, she was annoyed with herself every single time she thought this today but she had kind of thought they were - going somewhere - as in the couple version of ‘they’. Yeah, Chloe had talked a little bit every now and then about finding her own place but she had thought it was just what you said, like, ‘oh we didn’t U-Haul, she’s just staying until she finds her own place’, and then a year later the couple realizes that they had never spoken of moving again and they were quite content with that.

They were - going somewhere, right?

_Right?_

She didn’t think - she couldn’t handle if - but like - it didn’t matter because they were going somewhere -

Beca dragged her feet across the kitchen floor, reaching for another cupboard and trying not to groan aloud.

The thing was, she had kind of loved living with Chloe in college. Of course she, in proper Beca style, had complained about the constant singing, the lack of personal space, and the fact that Chloe never put the cap back on the toothpaste, but she had loved it. She loved it now too.

Especially when it came with the added bonus of sex every night.

Really good, really hot, mind-melting sex.

Beca had imagined what their sex life would be like, if they could have one, and it was still so much better than what she had come up with. I mean - Chloe naked - well, she should have known from the first moment that she had seen her doing that freaking yoga in her backyard that she had bitten off a whole mouthful of something awesome - she should have known it would be a whole different universe of sex when she had leaned down and kissed Chloe for the first time.

And okay, no, she didn’t really know what this kid would do to all of that but - she figured - ugh, she didn’t know.

She _hadn’t_ figured, if she was being honest.

But she _had_ told her she loved her. That had meant something.

Uuuuuuugh, _she had told her she loved her!_

The fuck?

And Chloe hadn’t said it back. Not even a little bit.

The fuck?

That’s what made this whole thing so freaking weird! Beca would have put her money on Chloe being the one to say it first. That was how things were supposed to work! That way Beca could freak out, like she did, and that would have forced them into a fight until Chloe snapped Beca out of it, insisting that she loved her and Beca was just going to have to deal with that fact.

That’s how things with them were supposed to go! That was how things had gone for them always. It had been Chloe who had walked into her shower. It had been Chloe that had insisted she audition. Chloe had been the one to drag her back to the Bellas when really she should have just been mad at her. It was Chloe who had forced her to move into the Bella house. Chloe had always been the one to insist on physical affection. It had been Chloe who had pushed until Beca’s walls were gone. Chloe who had shown up at her hospital bed. It was Chloe who had insisted that she cared about her too much to watch her throw away her life. And it had definitely been Chloe who had kissed her for the first time and Chloe who had asked to be touched. Chloe had been the one to literally take Beca’s hand and lead her into her body for the first time. _And_ it had been freaking Chloe who had insisted that it would happen again.

_Chloe._

Not her.

She was the one that ran from emotion - it was sticky - and gross - and so hard to wash off once you got some on you.

This was just - all of it was so - it was -

This was stupid.

Beca watched Chloe throw open another cupboard and debated saying something that would make the fighting stop; a ‘sorry I’m stupid’ or...anything really... only ugh, what came out instead was, “We already went through that cupboard.” Which - was not a shining Beca moment - she knew that.

Chloe sniffed, her nose in the air and pushed the step stool over to the next.

“And that one.” Cuz, you know, when you fail you should definitely keep it going.

“Well! Which one haven’t we gone through yet then?” Chloe barked back. Beca pointed and Chloe threw it open, “God, it’s just - shouldn’t this be _my_ choice? Shouldn’t I decide where I live?”

“I never said you shouldn’t,” she twitched as she spoke, “I just think it’s really dumb.” Fuuuuuuuck meeee, that was bad, “Wait-”

“So what? Even if you think it’s dumb - which by the way _I_ think is dumb, then shouldn’t you be supporting me in my _dumbness?_ Isn’t that what you’re supposed to be when your best friend leaves her husband and decides to get her own life?”

“Okay, whoa, dude!” Beca’s hands came up as she let out a small dry laugh, “To be fair, things are _a little_ more complicated than that and I have literally been _nothing_ but supportive since you showed up in my hospital room!”

“Really? I think I recall someone yelling at me to ‘go home’ once or twice.” Chloe sniffed.

“Things were different then; don’t throw that in my face! Plus, I only said that in the first place because you were camped out in my living room avoiding all of this!” She gestured around them.

“So you were yelling at me to get _out_ of your house and now you’re yelling at me for trying to?” Chloe’s arms had crossed, her head cocked to the side in mock interest.

“I’m not yelling!” Beca yelled back.

“Right. Because this all makes sense, Beca.”

“Ugh! Chloe!”

Beca wanted to go out for a smoke. She wanted a break. She needed a break.

As a matter of fact.

Babbling about going outside, she set down the colander she was holding. Fuck this. They weren’t actually getting anywhere and she - she just - fucking - ugh! Fucking Chloe! How was it she could make her feel like she was about to lose her freaking mind like this? She turned and yelped, nearly walking headlong into the human wall of muscle that was Nick.

“So, errrr, I’ve seen these fights before. Should we come back?”

Beca’s eyes blew wide, her mouth opening and closing a few times in pissed off surprise. She hadn’t heard Nick and Jenny come in over the sound of their fighting.

Great.

She heaved a sigh and, turning on her heels, she went back to the box. There wasn’t really anything to do there but she started straightening the items inside even though it wasn’t necessary. She just needed a minute. She had kind of forgotten to prepare for him. Not that she needed to prepare for him - or - anything, it was just Nick-the-dick but…it was kind of like having a water balloon dropped on you from a high distance; covering her in a cold layer of annoyance.

“Seriously,” He chuckled, “we can go get a smoothie or something.”

Both Beca and Chloe shot him a glare and he just grinned good-naturedly back at them. He had walked in on something very much like this too many times to be all of that worried.

“Hey, Beca.” Beca nodded in his general direction. “Hey, Bright Eyes.”

Beca’s teeth ground together at the stupid pet name that she had been forced to endure for years. Bright Eyes? Like really? Just because ‘First Day of My Life’ was their first dance - it was just - so - okay - and maybe that whole crazy-blue eyed girl thing - and maybe she didn’t like it because, well, the obvious reason.

“Um, Chlo, you remember Jenny?”

It was as though someone had suddenly put the room on pause. Everyone froze in their various states of alarm. Beca’s mouth popped open, feeling the perceptible shift as Nick’s new lover stared from behind her thick black framed glasses at Chloe, half hidden behind his back. Chloe, for her part, had frozen with her eyes equally large, an instant smile clicked onto her face. The smile had come so fast that Beca knew it wasn’t totally real, more a nervous tick; not that she could blame her.

Beca blinked, glancing between them as her stomach began to knot. She had kind of forgotten that this was why they were there.

Crap.

She had totally forgotten that this would be the first time they had met since both parties knew...everything. Beca sighed, running her hands over her face. They needed to stop fighting. The whole point of her being here was to support Chloe and make all of this less stressful for her. She had been there for her so much recently that she knew she owed her a better mood.

Get your shit together, Bec.

There was another moment of tense silence before Chloe jumped like she had been goosed, “Of course. Hi! I’m a-” she glanced quickly at Beca and back, “I’m sorry about this. We’re being rude.”

God, this was weird.

“Yeah,” Jenny shook her head, “Yeah no, it’s cool. It’s whatever. I get it. I have a best friend too and sometimes we fight like sisters. I bet it’s all the weirder when you’re dating.”

“Oh, we’re not,” Chloe laughed.

Jenny’s shoulders just rose and dropped quickly, glancing toward Beca.

“Right!” It was Beca’s turn to jump when she realized that she was just standing there staring at Chloe, “Err, Beca.” She reached forward and shook her hand.

“Heeey, nice to meet you.”

Okay, so she was so not her type, not when she got to kiss someone as out-of-this-world gorgeous as Chloe, but she could totally see why Nick was into her. Well. Kind of. There was sort of a huge style leap between Chloe and Jenny. Chloe - was this weird mix of sexy girl next door, vampy temptress, and hippie. Beca totally dug it and it worked for her but Jenny...gamer hot? Maybe?

Her hair was thick and long, with a cut that was just under the conservative line despite its trendy angles. Her glasses were surprisingly large but, from what Beca could see from her hiding spot behind Nick, she was in a small, tight, IGN Entertainment logo tee shirt and jeans. One of her arms was covered in comic book styled tattoos while the other adorned black rubber bracelets. She was as edgy and trendy nerd chic as one could be while still working in a law office.

“Nice ink.” Beca pointed out because - well, what else was she going to say just then?

“Oh!” Jenny grinned, “Thanks. I have to cover them when I’m at work because, you know, conservative bullshit and bleeegh, all of that. Nick was so surprised when he saw that I had a sleeve. And - um - I’m rambling. Right. My bad. Anyway. Nice to meet you.” Jenny sent Nick a nervous look and Nick put his arm around her, pulling her from behind him.

Was it kind of weird that Beca had sort of forgotten she was pregnant too? And maybe it was because she was like _right_ in front of her but her jaw dropped and her eyes popped when she saw Jenny’s belly. Chloe was still basically flat - like, not entirely - but basically and Jenny - “Whoa! Okay, she’s way pregnant-er than you, Chlo! You’re only two weeks ahead, right? Someone explain this to me.” It had just popped out and immediately she regretted it. Shit.

Jenny’s lip twitched, staring at her as though she was some type of sideshow spectacle but Chloe just ignored Beca completely. Beca huffed as the tension in the room tripled.

Awesome. That went well.

Nick let out a stiff laugh, scratching his chin, “Always a hoot, Beca.”

She scowled, “Sorry, I was, err,” she ran both hands through her hair, taking a deep breath, “...whatever.” This time, Chloe sent _her_ the glare. “Right.” Where was a hole to swallow her up? Anytime now would be good.

Jenny, who seemed to have finally reached her limit of awkward tension, cracked and let out a loud laugh, rubbing her baby belly, “No, it’s good. I know, Right? It’s like I’m growing a whole person in there or something. What the hell, man?”

Okay, Jenny was cool. Like, way cooler than someone who should be with Nick.

Okay, but wait, not including Chloe because Chloe got out and - shit - she glanced back at Chloe, worried about her weird clairvoyant talent.

Shit!

Chloe was already staring at her, a small frown on her lips.

Beca’s eyes narrowed in a silent question but Chloe just pursed her lips and pointedly continued to ignore her.

Awesome-er.

Was that because she was pissed about their fight, because she didn’t like Beca being friendly with Jenny or was that - I don’t know - because the sky was blue?

“So. What’s the fight about?” Nick asked, leaning against the door frame while Jenny ran to the bathroom.

Beca’s frown grew and she was about to blow it off, laugh it off, say anything really to make it all stop when Chloe scoffed.

“I’m not sure exactly.” Chloe set a pot down on the counter a little too hard, “What _is_ this fight about, _Beca?_ ”

Beca swung around, any cool down she had just achieved flying right out of the window.

This side of Chloe rarely showed. As a matter of fact, Beca seemed to have a specific talent for bringing this type of fight out of her. It wasn’t that Chloe didn’t have a fire in her, get her angry and you’ll see fire; as a matter of fact, Chloe could be kind of terrifying when she wanted to be. Perhaps it was because they had known one another at such young ages but Beca seemed to have a talent for pissing Chloe off enough to bring the kicking, stamping, yelling girl out of this otherwise calm woman; just like Chloe had a talent for bringing out the petulant side of Beca.

In short, sometimes they fought like teenagers.

She wanted to stay silent. She had just told herself to shut up and stop fighting. Chloe needed her. She _wanted_ to stay quiet. But she couldn’t get her mouth to do it, “Really, Chloe? Are you fucking kidding me right now?” Fighting was one thing, they fought, so what; but fighting in front of _Nick?_ Bringing him into it? Her anger which had been a steady five before suddenly flew to a ninety-seven.

She watched Chloe’s hands fly, gesticulating like mad as they always did when she was angry, “I can’t believe you’re mad at me for trying to get my own place! That has always been the plan, Beca! I don’t understand your reaction! What is it? What’s the real problem? You say it’s not because you like having me around, so what is it? We can’t _discuss_ whatever is happening in that head of yours unless you say it!” Beca just stared back at her, which was fine because Chloe only waited for a second before continuing on, “How can you not want me to do this? How can you not want me to have my own life? Uuuuh! I’m sorry, Nick, can we have a minute please?”

He nodded and though Jenny had reappeared beside him, giving him a light pull, he just stayed where he was, a question on his face, arms folded over his chest.

“I do!” Beca shot back, thoroughly embarrassed. She got that Chloe probably felt totally comfortable enough to keep fighting in front of Nick, but she just wasn’t and this wasn’t cool. “Obviously, I do! I just don’t understand why it has to be from across town!” Beca frowned, well that hadn’t come out right. “And I’m not fucking mad!” She threw on and then frowned some more. Damn it. “It just seems so stupid! It doesn’t make any freaking sense! You could stay at the condo! Rent free! I mean, have you not been happy there? What the hell, Chloe? It kind of feels personal!” Beca scowled, okay, she hadn’t meant to say that...not in front of Nick...not in front of anyone. “Daamn it! Uuuuuugh, can we maybe do this _later?_ ”

“Not everything is about you, Beca! I want something that’s mine! I want my own space like everyone else gets to have! I-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Nick put his hands up, finally deciding to step in.

So yeah, maybe, it pissed Beca off that he interrupted at all - just like it really pissed her off that he hadn’t given them like five more minutes of space but what the fucking fuck? The dude looked like Christmas had come early. His stupid boyish grin was growing by the minute as he turned to Chloe, completely ignoring Beca. “Dude!” She specifically hated getting ignored like this. Aggravated she poked herself in the arm, yep she was there alright.

“Chloe, you’re coming back to Henderson? That’s _awesome!_ ”

 

****

 

“What?” Chloe distractedly frowned at Nick, her mind barely pulling out of her oh so confusing fight enough to process his words. She rubbed her palms up and down her own arms, not sure if she was actually cold or just looking for some type of comfort. She sent a glance back to Beca, about to move, about to try yet again to make her understand but Beca’s face stopped her. She looked like she had been slapped. Chloe frowned; her head cocking as she finally processed Nick’s words and turned again, “Wait. What do you mean? Where did that come from?”

Nick’s smile grew, “You just said you’re getting your own place. That’s awesome!” He crowed, “They just built these places down the street. My buddy Jeff just moved in and he says that they’re great. I guess they’re like commons type things, which - I dunno what that means but-”

The wound agitation in Chloe’s chest was coiled so tightly, it felt like there was a permanent fist clenched around her lungs. She groaned without meaning to, “Nick, what are you talking about?” Chloe pulled out a few pans, decided that she didn’t want them and handed them to Beca with a shake of her head. She glanced back at her soon to be ex-husband, still confused. Sometimes Nick did this. She had never understood it, even thought that perhaps it was more of a nervous tick of his, but sometimes he liked to tease this way to defuse the tension. It rarely worked and he was usually embarrassed afterward. She knew he was trying to help, she knew he was trying to make them laugh; she just - she let out a slow breath through her nose - she wasn’t really in the mood right now.

She was exhausted, like always these days, and she was upset. She had brought Beca along today because she was her comfort - she always had been her safety and she loved that. But today - of all days - instead of making her feel better, instead of being her _best friend_ and _lover_ \- well, okay, she was still being that. Those things didn’t change because of a fight. But they had been fighting for hours! So long now that Chloe felt as though she would soon go cross-eyed. She wasn’t sure that she could keep it up.

She was frustrated and exhausted and annoyed and she just wanted a hug and a nap.

She didn’t understand.

So...Beca didn’t want her to go. She understood that. Totes. Of course she did. Beca liked having her around. And in truth, Chloe loved being around too. But before today she would have thought Beca would whine a little but then she would have _been there_ for her. What Chloe was doing made sense, right?

Right?

God, she hoped so.

“Your own place.” His green eyes clouded over with confusion, “You’re getting your own place.”

“Yeah, in L.A.” Beca scoffed, dropping a few things with a clatter into the ‘For Nick’ box. “I think you’re the only one who likes it here, Nickie.”

“Wait, I don’t understand.” Nick put out his hands, making them both stop.

She hadn’t meant to let out a frustrated groan when her progress was impeded, she really hadn’t. She just didn’t have a complete handle on her feelings right then. So the groan slipped past her lips, one hand resting on her hip while the other flapped in Beca’s direction, rushing to spill the information. “Beca is! I - ugh! I found an adorable little place _five minutes_ away from her condo, but apparently that’s not _close enough_ \- or something because she’s upset! She’s not telling me _why_ she’s upset. Not really. Just that she’s upset!”

“Dude,” Beca scoffed, giving her that _look_ that Chloe had always hated so much. For someone whose eyes could be so sweet, so expressive, so kind and warm, they could also become so coldly mocking. “I’m telling you _exactly_ why!” Beca gave a dry laugh that clipped away at Chloe just enough to make her face set and her nerves turn to steel, “It doesn’t make sense. Get a job, get settled, have this baby, wait until things settle down! Why is there a sudden, I don’t know, rush? It doesn’t have to be now!”

“Oh,” The sarcasm snapped from her without permission, her neck craning to the side, “ooh, so it’s about the _order_ in which I’m doing it. Right. That doesn’t make any sense, Beca!”

Beca’s hands pushed through her hair, gasping out yet another exasperated, “Oh my god! Chloe!”

She felt a flair of hot flash through her chest. She hated that too, that tone. “Hey! No! You don’t get to do that! You don’t get to act like this and then talk to me like that, Bec! Like I’m being all crazy-Chloe!”

Beca shot her a small look out of the corner of her eye, a small caustic almost formed smile on her lips and Chloe felt her anger triple. She had seen that look from her a million times. She let out a frustrated howl and stomped her foot. Best friend or not, she was getting ready to _kill that little munchkin!_

Nick had been watching them go back and forth, his expression vague. Finally his hand went back out, cutting both of them off again in a way that just felt uncalled for. “You’re moving to your own place in _L.A.?_ ”

She knew she was already a little flustered but he was so only making it worse! “Yes, of course,” she sighed as she rubbed her forehead, massaging her eyebrows.

“I don’t understand, Chloe, you said that you would come back _here_ before the baby.”

Her head snapped up, her eyes blown wide, her lips in an instant down pull. In the corner of her vision, Chloe saw Beca straighten from her bent spot over the boxes, her face slack as she looked between them.

“No, I didn’t.” She knew that perhaps there was a more eloquent response she could have given but she was just kind of confused. Where had that come from?

She watched Jenny reenter the room and lean against the opposite side of the door frame from Nick. Chloe cleared her throat, chewing the inside of her cheek. She hadn’t really known Jenny all of that well before. She had seemed nice. But now, the sight of her was - weird and it picked at the fraying seam of her nerves.

“Yes, you did!”

“I did not,” she cried, exasperated, “please stop it, Nick, you’re not being funny!” She could feel Beca’s tension across from them, she could feel her retreating and, fighting or not, Chloe didn’t like it. She tangled her hands for a moment, wringing them as she took another deep breath and looked up at her small lover. Beca was standing, her eyes still slightly wild, frozen in place. She didn’t want her to think this, she didn’t want Nick to make her think that she had promised to move away and didn’t even tell her. That wasn’t fair or right.

The idea, in truth, was almost laughable. She didn’t think she could do that, no matter how much they fought. Not again. She didn’t really believe in regrets. How could she when each thing was a lesson learned? But she almost regretted that she had ever moved away from Beca at all. She couldn’t make that mistake twice.

Unfortunately, Beca had a very delicate tripwire about some things and she just, she didn’t need these seeds to be planted.

Finally, as if she could feel Chloe’s eyes on her, Beca unfroze enough to return her gaze. She opened her mouth but, to her relief, it seemed that Beca already understood.

It made Chloe chew her cheek, a small smile trying to tug at the corner of her lips. She loved it when Beca just understood her like that. A small, pleasant swirling began in her stomach and she took a step toward Beca, needing to hug her, to feel her for just a moment. This was silly. They would talk. They had fought before. No big deal. She was so ready to be over it.

Before she could make it to her though, she glanced at Nick and that stopped her in her tracks. His cheeks were flushed, his lips pressed into a thin line. His face was set in a very familiar way; a way that every single wife knew of their significant other.

Clearly, Mercury was in retrograde or something because - that look was his we’re-about-to-really-fight face. She opened her mouth to cut him off before he could get started but he beat her to the punch.

“I’m not making a joke!” Nick burst, his voice booming through the room, “You said that you would come back to Henderson before the baby came, you said it last time we saw one another, Chloe. Right before I left you in Beca’s kitchen - against my better judgment, I might add.”

“What?” She breathed, searching her memory. She so had not said - and then she remembered, _‘We don't even know if I'm going to carry full term. The odds are I won't. So let's not fight about this right now, okay? If it seems like I will then maybe we'll talk about it then. Okay?’_ “Wait, okay, wait, Nick. We never finished having that conversation! Come on, that didn’t mean I was just going to move back to Henderson!” Her stomach had instantly begun to swim again though, mixing guilt and panic into cement in her gut. She was horrible. Oh god, she was terrible! She had forgotten about that - she hadn’t even… oh god! Honestly, she had forgotten to consider him in her decision to get her own place at all, which, oooh, she knew that was bad. That was very bad! Oh, that was so bad! Sometimes he just felt so far removed from her life these days and -

“Oh, don’t even, Chloe.”

“Nick,” Chloe tried, doing her best at reasonable, “the thing that started that fight was me talking about coming back to get my things! Why do you think we’re here packing today?”

She was starting to feel a little overwhelmed.

“I don’t know, because you wanted your shit?” Nick cried. Jenny shifted beside him, a quieting hand going to his arm.

“Hey! Back off, dude!”

Chloe’s lips twisted as Beca held a protective hand out at Nick. She couldn’t decide if it made her happy to see Beca defending her or if it made her angry that Beca was sticking up for her right now after a whole day of fighting.

Okay, that was a lie. It made her stomach go all gooey and she loved it.

But that didn’t change the fact that she was angry!

“Don’t tell me to back off, Beca, I have a right to have this conversation,” Nick growled. “This is ridiculous, it was _implied_ that you would have your fun in L.A. for a while and then you would,”

Beca scoffed, sardonic amusement on her face, “ _Have fun in L.A.?_ What am I, a fucking merry-go-round?”

Nick’s eyes flashed to Beca but he continued on, railroading over her, “You would stay with Beca, but that you would come home before the baby was born so I could know my kid.”

Chloe just stared at him, open-mouthed and shocked. What? No! It hadn’t been implied! Not at all!

“So, where the hell does that leave me then?” Beca let out a dry laugh and in it Chloe could hear that he had honestly offended her.

“Oh I’m sorry,” he rounded on her and for a moment Chloe felt her own protective flash of anger; his fight was with her, not Beca.

“Nick!”

“Are you two actually together now?” Nick’s face showed every bit of sarcasm that Beca’s held. If the two threw down and had a snark off then Chloe wasn’t actually sure which one would win. “Because I was under the impression that you weren’t.”

“No, we’re not,” Chloe said quickly, feeling Beca’s glare like needles, “ _but_ ,”

“Great.” He gave a quick clap, “Then that solves that.”

Chloe’s mouth popped open, “ _Nick!_ ” She threw a glance at Beca, seeing her face, seeing the way she had frozen in place again.

Beca’s head had tilted to the side as it did when she was upset, her jaw was set, her hooded eyes unblinking. She looked like someone had just slapped all ability to respond from her.

That hadn’t been fair, that hadn’t been right! She hadn’t meant for Nick to take her response like that. He had cut her off! He had cut her off before she could finish. “Bec…” her heart ached at the barely concealed hurt on Beca’s face.

She understood that maybe what was happening between herself and Beca was a little difficult to understand from the outside but he was wrong. They were fine. She was sure that they were fine when it came to this unofficial thing; Beca understood. But her jerk of a husband had just hurt Beca more than Beca would ever allow them to see and she wasn’t okay with that. She had to reassure her that what _he_ had just implied was not the case and not what she felt, but her name seemed to pull Beca out of her shock.

Beca’s hands suddenly released and the stack of plastic bowls she had been taking to the Nick box dropped to the floor with a clatter, making them all jump, “I need a cigarette,” she muttered to no one in particular.

Chloe’s lips pursed. It was silly. She knew it was even _dumb_ to feel Beca’s sudden retreat as a personal wound. This was just what Beca did. She had done it over and over again when they had first met, constantly when Chloe had first arrived, and so many times in between. Yet, she felt the action lash across her insides and so she snapped at her. “Yeah, that’s good Beca, run off and hide in your smoke break.”

Damn it, that hadn’t been fair to say. What Nick had just said to her - that had been totally fucked up. She couldn’t blame Beca for needing a minute. She was just - she was so damn mad right now! She opened her mouth to apologize but Beca turned toward her, face cold, her tongue giving a sarcastic click.

“If I don’t get to tell you to stay then you don’t get to tell me to quit, Chloe!”

 _Okay_ , getting her own living space and smoking _despite_ the risk of cancer, _despite_ the risk of losing that beautiful voice of hers were sooo not the same things! “Beca!”

But Beca, already halfway out of the door, just threw a hand up behind her in dismissal as she stormed from the room.

Chloe blinked, her mouth falling open in shock. Oh - my - god! That had been...that had been so _rude!_ That had been almost – _mean!_

Everyone had faults, she knew that, and that was okay! It was the human condition. Unfortunately one of Beca’s faults had always been that, when she wanted to she could be very mean, but… She watched her retreating back, hurt and, in the face of Beca brushing her off, humiliated. She was so, so completely embarrassed. She could feel Nick’s incredulous eyes on her, gauging her reaction to what Beca had just done and she hated it.

There had been a lot of _mean_ from Beca when Chloe had arrived for the last Bella reunion but - maybe because they hadn’t been talking - maybe because Beca had just sort of disappeared in a way that had let Chloe know things weren’t okay before she moved, she hadn’t been as hurt by it then as she could have been. It had hurt, yes, but she had dealt with it. She had done well at putting it in a box and shoving it deep down inside of herself. She was good at dealing with angry-mean Beca.

But… last night… she thought of the way Beca had been wrapped in her arms, her naked body close against hers as they had laughed together, talking about the awkwardness of Chloe’s wedding day. She had fit against her so perfectly, like she always did, her little shapely butt pressed into the spooning curve of Chloe's body, her head resting on Chloe’s bicep as she played with Chloe’s fingers and teased her about the mauve bridesmaid dresses.

She hadn’t been prepared for mean-Beca this morning.


	3. Chapter 3

Chloe flinched when the front door of her Henderson house slammed closed, signaling that her lover had really just stomped outside.

A small masculine chuckle ghosted from behind her, disbelieving.

She closed her mouth with a snap, glancing at Nick again and then reluctantly at Jenny. She wished her cheeks would cool down. It was no big deal. Beca hadn’t meant it like she was taking it. She knew that for a fact. She was just a little sensitive right now. It might have felt more like she had just given her the middle finger but Beca would never do that.

She cleared her throat again and rounded on her soon to be ex-husband. “Nick!” She gave him a small shove, “That was a total jerk thing to say! That was just downright - nasty! You were just trying to hurt her and that is  _ not _ okay with me! That will never be okay with me!”

He shrugged, too angry right now to feel bad like she knew he eventually would. “Look, I respect what you two have, I really do, I promise. It’s not that, but if you two don’t have anything  _ real _ then she doesn’t get a say!”

Chloe frowned. What constituted ‘real’? They had  _ always _ had something real. That was kind of the point.

“Nick,” Jenny was shaking her head again, her voice condemning.

“I’m sorry, Jenn, but it’s true. This isn’t a fun fling we’re talking about! This is my child. This is me getting to know my kid!”

“But same side, remember? We’re all trying to be on the same side.”

“I know, Jenn,” he turned, falling into a muttered argument with Jenny while Chloe worried her lip, not listening. She knew she should be thinking about what Nick was saying and appreciating that Jenny was trying to play mediator - and she was - she cared deeply that he felt heard - and Jenny was being very sweet - but her mind was on Beca - on the feel of her skin, on the feeling of her in her arms. It wasn’t that she was worried about that not happening again because she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it would - soon. She just - she kind of wanted it right now. She was so mad at Beca - so mad that she didn’t even want to look at her right now and yet, all she wanted was to go to her. In her mind she could see her, sitting on the curb, face like stone. She hated it. She wanted to go out there and get Beca, but she couldn’t; her cigarette smoke was like a line that Chloe couldn’t cross. She couldn’t send Jenny either. “Can,” her hands began to wring again, wondering if Nick or Beca could be civil enough to behave out front, “can you go get her for me, please?”

“What? No!”

“Nick!” Chloe groaned.

“No, Chlo! We need to talk for a second without her! I don’t understand. You two are not in a relationship and yet she gets a say in whether or not my kid grows up in another state?”

“It’s so much more complicated than that!”

“Jesus, Chloe! I am so  _ sick _ of her being this  _ thing _ in our relationship. Like this weird third party, even when she wasn’t around. She’s not a part of this, Chloe!”

“Yes, she is, Nick! She’s totally a part of this! She’s my best friend!”

“So?” Nick’s shoulders gave a fast shrug, “Josh is my best friend. He doesn’t get a say in this. Uuuuh - Jenny’s best friend is this woman named Estela. She doesn't get a say in this.”

Chloe took a deep breath, “I know what you’re doing, Nick, stop it. Stop challenging me, please.”

“No! I get that you two are having sex, I get that maybe it’s more than that but that doesn’t mean she gets to have an opinion. I mean, is she your  _ wife _ now? Because if she’s not then I don’t see how she outweighs husband!”

“Nick!” Jenny cried, this time obviously and gave his thick arm a punch, her face almost comically twisted into a mask of rage. “Bruh! Out of line! Fail, dude! You’re failing! Stop acting like a dickwad!”

“Ow! I’m sorry, okay! But this is serious! This isn’t about where we will go for lunch or even what to name it. This is about who will be in the kid’s life! Can you think about that for a minute? Don’t you want our kids to know one another? They’ll be siblings!”

“ _ Beca will be in its life! _ Ohmygod!” she cried, running her hands through her hair, feeling that anxious panic in her chest, “This is so stupid!”

Was this really how this day was going? Really?

She hadn’t expected this to be easy but she couldn’t have - wouldn’t have anticipated that minutes into their time together they would all be engaged in a no holds barred fight. This was so not how she wanted things to go!

She understood that he was mad. She understood that Beca was hurt but this was so freaking frustrating!

The more she thought about it the more her anger rose. She just couldn’t understand this; she couldn’t understand two of the main people in her life both insisting that she needed to do what they wanted! Wasn’t the whole point of all of this, the move, leaving Nick, all of it supposed to be in an effort for Chloe to find her own life? ...That whole swan song thing…? Granted, she hadn’t done it right the last time. She had instead moved to L.A. and then married Nick like five minutes after meeting him but - that was exactly what she was trying to do for herself now, right? She was  _ trying _ to make a life that was  _ for her _ . Why couldn’t they respect that? She was trying not to keep avoiding it all; wasn’t that something they had actively wanted these last few months? She was just so damn frustrated! She was just –  _ ugh! _

“Chloe, you said that. I need you to admit that you said that.” His voice was softer, almost rational and that made her glare all the more.

“What? No, Nick! I’m sorry but no! I did not say I would be moving back to Henderson. I won’t say that I did if I didn’t!”

“This is bullshit.” He growled.

Chloe huffed, hating that she felt so –  _ guilty. _

She didn’t want to move back to Henderson.

“Even if you never meant it as you would move back, you let me think that.”

“What?” Frustrated, she glanced at Jenny and felt her cheeks warm. “But I - but I didn’t!” She had wanted this weekend to be a good one. Instead, Nick was angry about something she was sure she had never said and Beca was angry for something that on all accounts should be a good thing! She didn’t understand how any of this was happening! She felt angry tears blossom in her eyes. “Damn it!” She didn’t want to cry. Nick always made her feel so small when she cried during a fight but she didn’t think she could help it. She was frustrated and angry and hurt and that meant tears.

“Oh good,” Beca mumbled, rounding the corner back into the room, “are we still fighting? You know, ‘cause I was so enjoying that before I left. I’m glad I didn’t miss out.”

Chloe rolled her wet eyes with a scoff, quickly wiping the tear tracks away

Still, despite the fight, Beca’s feet stopped in front of her. The look on her face was almost enough to end the fight right there. It was  _ almost _ enough. Beca’s eyes flashed with panic, as they always did when Chloe cried, but then they roared to life with a vicious protective anger before settling into a silent question. She could feel Beca’s silent ‘are you okay?’ as her fingers touched her forearm. Fighting was one thing but upset to the point of tears was another and Beca - though Chloe’s tears were her kryptonite, wasn’t going to have it.

She gave a small nod but put up a hand, pleased that she was back inside but not really wanting to be comforted just now. Beca’s fingers had tentatively rested on her arm. Now she gave her a small squeeze and the brunette crossed to the other side of the room, leaning against the wall, her face defensively bored.

“This isn’t something you get to avoid, Chloe!”

“I’m not!” She snapped, “That’s the whole point! I’m  _ trying _ not to do that anymore, don’t you see that? I can’t stay with Beca forever and I can’t move back to Henderson, Nick, you can’t really think I could.”

“Of course I do, your whole family is here, Chloe!”

“No!” He was stepping over the line and she was not okay with it. “Part of my family is here, Nick! I also have family in  _ L.A., _ I also have some in New York with my parents and Arkansas with Amy and Oregon with Stacie and everywhere else!”

“I really don’t rank any higher than them? The last three years don’t give me  _ any _ priority, Chloe?”

She opened her mouth, ready to fire back, ready to explain about the way she loved - friends, family - something she shouldn't have to explain to him - something he should understand after those  _ three years of marriage _ . She opened her mouth but it was Beca who spoke.

“ _ You’re getting a divorce, dude! _ ”

Chloe’s jaw hit the floor and she spun, shocked by Beca’s shout. She could tell that Beca hadn’t meant to yell it. She could tell that Beca hadn’t meant to say it at all. It was clear that it had just popped out of her like an unwilling furball and that Beca was furious that it had. She was standing, arms crossed, and though her face was up toward the ceiling, it was clear that she had gone past pure blushing and was now almost purple in the face.

She opened her mouth again, hoping that something would come and though she paused, the only thing that came was the shocking tickling sensation of laughter in her belly.

This was so not the time to laugh but that - primal - possessive - thing that had been in Beca’s voice was making her giddy. She wanted to reach out to her, knowing that it had come out of Beca as a way to comfort  _ herself _ more than anything else. Beca must have sensed her coming, though, because she twisted away before Chloe could move, her hands going up as she turned to face the wall, not wanting to be comforted just as much as Chloe hadn’t wanted to be a minute before. The bubble of laughter popped and she was back to upset. She glanced at Nick - which only made her more upset.

Her hand began to flutter around her throat, massaging nervously. If she was going to be fair - which she had to be… She supposed she also hadn’t told him point blank that she - wouldn’t - be moving back. But, okay, to be fair she hadn’t known, not for sure! She had thought that she wouldn’t be keeping this baby; she had thought that the odds were she would lose it eventually and then her life would look - different. She had thought that she would lose this baby - and her heart would break - but her ties to Nick would wane. He would be happy with Jenny and she would be happy...  but she had not said that she would be coming back!

Nick’s eyes followed her fingers as they lightly worked over her skin, over the spot that had once pained her every time she moved or spoke. He saw the tick and misinterpreted, “Yeah. Exactly,” he grumbled victoriously.

“Nick, I’m sorry that you got the wrong impression!” Her voice wasn’t shaking now, and she was no longer in tears. He had pushed her too far for that. “I didn’t mean for it to turn out that way, really I didn’t. But I  _ did not _ tell you I was coming back. I said we would talk about it. If you got anything else from that then it isn’t solely me to blame here!”

Everything was changing so much and so fast; it was making her head spin.

She was thankful that she had more faith in this pregnancy and it’s possible chances. But that was so new for her.

Three days ago Beca had come home to find Chloe crying, her hands pressed to her belly as these tiny little flutters passed over her - from the inside. It was her first ‘quickening’ and she had been in shock.

It was only then that she had decided that maybe...maybe this was really happening.

They needed to cut her a little slack!

“So then let’s talk about it!” Nick settled into a firm stance, his arms crossed, doing a decent impression of the local police, “I want you here. Period. You made it sound like you would be here.”

“No, I didn’t! Stop saying that!”

“Bullshit, Chloe.”

“Hey!” Beca barked, finally turning back from the wall, “Ooookay, I get that we’re all kind of pissed but let’s bring it down a freaking notch. You really don’t need to yell at her like that.”

Nick looked like he was about to rip Beca apart but Jenny’s hand grabbed onto his shoulder and he took a deep breath.

The truth. She just needed to be honest. That was always the key, right? “I’m sorry Nick, but I hadn’t known what I wanted. I’m sorry I wasn’t more...I don’t know, certain?” She  _ still  _ didn’t know what she wanted, not really. That was the funny thing. The only things she was sure of were that she wanted this baby, more than anything in her life, she wanted a place to live, and she didn’t want to have to give up Beca. God, she didn’t want to move back to Henderson, that would be horrible; her life here had been horrible. She couldn’t imagine being stuck with only Nick and Marcy for company again.

“This is unbelievable. I’m the  _ daddy! _ I want to know my kid! That should be the end of this! Do you know how often this exact casefile crosses my coworker’s desks? I am the father! Me!”

“Where does that leave me, Nick?” She asked in a small voice, “I need you to understand that this is something I have to do and I can’t do it in Henderson. Would you really force me to do something I didn’t want to, to live somewhere I don’t want to - just to make  _ you  _ happy?”

She had thought that was reasonable. She had thought that maybe they could really talk now.

Only - the fight just continued on, it went on and on until Chloe, with a decided huff, had to leave the room. She closed herself in her bedroom, taking a moment so she could let out a few angry tears and not rip the faces off of her loved ones.

She was just so angry!

She was angry at Nick for not being willing to listen.

She was angry at Beca for her silence and her distance.

She was angry at herself for having thought that this weekend might have been kind of great.

She paced back and forth, taking deep breaths and waving her hands. She didn’t understand how this was happening. She didn’t understand how they didn’t see but she needed to calm down. She was too close to hysterical. She was too close to tipping into panic.

She just - she didn’t get it.

Her chest felt too tight, too close.

Stretches. She would do a few stretches.

She sat on the floor with a huff, pushing her legs out in front of her and trying to find peace in the familiar pull.

Didn’t they understand that she was barely holding it together? That she had been barely holding it together for weeks? Months? Discovering that she was not only attracted to women, but  _ gay _ \- and attracted to her best friend in the world, fighting with Nick, Hunny, Emily, the trips to the hospital - if it weren’t for this new thing with Beca she was sure she would have crumbled to nothing. Beca had been her rock; she had been her comfort, her safety, her happiness. Basically Beca had been her  _ everything _ for the past months and that...well, that wasn’t new information for anyone.

That was why she didn’t know who she was more upset with at this moment. She couldn’t explain to Beca why she needed to move out, she just knew she did. She couldn’t explain it because she didn’t necessarily know herself, she hadn’t put her thoughts together that well yet. She was just sure she –  _ did _ . She just knew she desperately needed to move out, to strike out on her own. She hadn’t even been thinking about it that long! And she didn’t even have an apartment yet! Shouldn’t Beca at least wait to go cold like this until she actually knew she could and would be moving out?

Even if she had thought to prepare an argument, she wouldn’t have bothered; Beca usually understood her better than this. Chloe rarely had to find ways to explain herself because Beca always just knew, she just understood her...just like Chloe normally understood Beca; knowing when she needed a hug, a back rub, to be left alone.

And  _ Nick _ ! God, she understood that he wanted to know this baby; she even applauded him for it and wanted him to, but how could he expect her to move back to Henderson? L.A. was within driving distance and if it was still too far then maybe they could come up with a compromise. There had to be some sort of middle ground.

She debated that for a moment, thinking of cities between L.A. and Henderson and as she did she felt her heart fall. That would mean seeing a lot less of Beca.

In truth, moving to a random city somewhere would be just as lonely as if she moved back to Nevada.

She pushed a little further into the stretch, letting her forehead touch the plush carpet.

She...the thing was...she should just be okay with this. She knew that.

Maybe she should stay with Beca - or move back to Henderson.

Chloe was a people pleaser sometimes and while Aubrey, Nick, and Beca were always insisting that she needed to be a little more self-serving - she surely couldn’t be this selfish.  _ Was _ she being selfish?

Oh god, what was she going to do? There was literally no way for them all to be happy, it couldn’t be done. Something had to give.

She groaned, folding herself in half so she could press her cheek into the carpet, taking slow deep breaths. That seemed to help a little as she let her mind drift into a meditative state.

This was good.

This was better.

She moaned again because it felt good, feeling her mind center on its axis.

They had to talk about this, all of them, like reasonable people. They were a family.

It was time they all acted like it!

Or - maybe stopped acting like it so much.

Slowly she pulled herself up, stopping once she was on her feet to bend at the waist and stretching for a few more moments before she felt grounded enough to move forward with the day.

Alright. They could do this.

This was all about love, right? They were all fighting over who got to love her and this little stranger inside of her...whether that love was platonic or otherwise.

There were worse things in the world.

And she would remind them of that.

They could all do this.

She straightened her clothes and took one last deep breath. She quickly checked her face in the mirror, chewing her lip. Yeah, it kind of looked like she had cried for a minute again. She wished it didn’t but maybe that was okay too.

She squared her shoulders, ready to do some kind of intervention when, from behind her, something pink caught her eye.

For a second that threw her entirely. Nick had great skin and the undertones of his coloring meant he looked great in pink but Nick refused to wear it. She knew it was because Marcy had said a few things the times that she had seen him in it, terrible things that had made her wonder if they would ever be able to be friends, let alone family.

So what was pink doing in her room?

She didn’t realize how silly that thought had been until she had picked up the tiny little pregnancy fitted tee shirt.

“Oh!” She frowned, dropping it quickly.

It was only a shirt, a small hot pink shirt that was totally cute and sporty but - she looked around the room, unease growing.

She had walked into the bedroom because this had always been where she went when she needed a minute to herself. She had done all of her pregnancy tests in that bathroom right there. She had spent a thousand mornings stretching under that window. She had sat, more than once in that chair, looking out the window and crying or singing or dreaming.

But now, here and there all over the place were signs of a woman - signs of a woman who was not her - in her own bedroom.

She saw the blankets on the bed that she and Nick had been given as a wedding gift; they were still as gorgeous, as creamy white and crisp as the day she had gotten them. She saw the framed photo of the beautiful waterfall from her own hometown and the hanging plant in the corner which she had put so much effort into nurturing to life. Only - Only - right up at the pillows she saw a small black dot on the duvet, almost like a sharpie. It hadn’t been there when last she had slept between the sheets. And the plant, she had worked so hard to bring life to was now wilting around the edges.

She glanced around again and took in the makeup scattered over the dresser top, the pair of bright pink earbuds hanging from the back of the door, the black and white checkered Vans on the floor...the purse slung into the armchair. Tension flittered through her stomach as she realized she felt - uncomfortable; like when you go to a party and the hostess says ‘just throw your coat on my bed’. She always hated that because she hated going into other people’s bedrooms. It was their own private space, not meant for others. This was also why she so thoroughly enjoyed sleeping in Beca’s bed. It was like surrounding herself in her, everything around her was Beca’s; the sheets smelled of her, of them, the few decorations reflected her best friend.

Bedrooms were a very intimate place. ...and this wasn’t her bedroom anymore, was it? Despite the photo of Ithaca falls, despite the linens or all of the nights that she had gone to sleep in them, the times she had been stuck there with the flu, the times she had hidden her tears in its depths - this wasn’t her bedroom anymore.

This was theirs now.

This was so her point! This was exactly her point!

Only - there was more to it than that.

She thought for a minute and her disquiet grew when she realized - she didn’t  _ have  _ a bedroom.

The first place she had thought of was the bed she had been sleeping in for a few months now but no - that wasn’t her bedroom, it was Beca’s. The energy in the room was not a mix of them, it was Beca’s space.

The room across the hall had officially been called Chloe’s - that’s what they said when they referred to it - but though she had hung her clothes in the closet months ago - that wasn’t her room either.

The thought left her with a very strange floating sensation.

She didn't even have a bedroom.

She didn’t even have a room she could call her own.

She didn’t have a place that she could go when she needed a minute.

This was exactly why she needed to move.

This was exactly why Nick needed to understand that things had to be different now.

The thought was motivating and it pushed her from the bedroom, far too uncomfortable in Nick and Jenny’s space.

This was all so strange. Nick and Jenny’s room. The room he now shared with his, well, with his mistress - maybe one day his wife… after Chloe became his ex-wife. A shiver of goosebumps crawled down her arms and she sucked in her lips, biting them anxiously.

She was going to be divorced. Chloe didn’t even believe in divorce and yet she had put herself in a situation where its need was undeniable. She wanted that divorce even. Not because she didn’t love Nick in her own way, because she did. But because it was the right thing to do.

Her head felt full, foggy and god, she was tired.

She didn’t want to fight anymore.

What she wanted was a hug.

Nick and Jenny were sitting on the couch together in the living room when she entered. The first thing she noticed was an absence. “Where’s Beca?”

Before they could answer Beca stepped from the kitchen, avoiding the eyes of everyone around her, hands on the back of her hips, “Sitting out here didn’t exactly seem like a great idea so -”

“God!” Nick shot, “Do you even hear yourself when you say shit like that?”

Chloe understood it. She really did. Nick had never exactly loved Beca, just as much as Beca had always hated him but she was so tired, her meter was full. She needed them to get along better today. She just wanted to curl up with Beca; she just wanted her to understand. Perhaps Beca’s bedroom wasn’t hers but suddenly she longed to curl up in that bed with Beca by her side and hide. She wanted to lay with her, the covers over their heads, and play with her fingers and talk to her, watch her laugh. She wanted to get back to the night before.

Before she could speak, before she could tell Nick to knock it off, before she would insist that Beca needed to come back to them and stop hiding, Jenny let out a long whistle.

“Yoooooo, hey, wait a sec!” Her hands went up like a soccer goalie, “Look, I’m Switzerland, as much as I can be anyway. I want us all to get along and we’re kind of crashing and burning. So before everyone starts yelling again, I was thinking. Maybe we should let this drop for right now. I know we need to talk about it,” She cried when Nick opened his mouth to argue, “all of us, we need to talk - all of us but let’s go get some lunch. The whole point of this weekend was so we all got a chance to get to know one another, wasn’t it? We’re all co-parents now.”

Chloe scowled, she had never signed up for that. Did she want to consider Nick and Jenny co-parents? Was that inevitable? How was that even possible? Her frown deepened.

“Okay, maybe we’re not co-parents,” Jenny conceded with a head bounce, “but we’re in one another’s lives. So let’s make the best of our time. Let’s go get lunch. I’m starving. Chloe, are you hungry? I know I’m always hungry these days. You gotta be hungry too.”

Jenny was trying.

“Yes. I am too.” She sighed. Jenny was right. She gave Jenny a small smile before she took a deep breath. Jenny was sweet. She made her feel weird, but she could tell that with time she would like her. Which - she wasn’t surprised about that; obviously Nick had good taste.

She braced herself, knowing that making up was kind of up to her. “Nick,” she went over to him and placed her hand on his chest, just like she had always done, “we’ll figure this out.”

Beca let out a scoff, her head shaking in a clear ‘I give up’ and suddenly she was moving past her.

Chloe frowned, watching until the front door closed with another slam.

What had she just done? How had she just offended her? “What happened?”

Nick scoffed, “I never know with her.”

The words nearly pissed Chloe off again. She growled and went to turn away but Nick, face still gruff pulled her into a tight hug. “You’re right. I’m sorry I started yelling. And I’m sorry I just said that.”

She took a deep breath, “I’m sorry I was unclear.”

She let him go and sat on the couch, watching Beca outside through the window. She watched her run her hand through her hair, her head down and shaking slightly as the cigarette smoke curled around her.

She had no idea, but she knew whatever she had done it was bad.

 

* * *

 

It seemed that once the awkward and strange moments of the fight had passed, it only made room for all of the other strangeness of the weekend to kick in.

Just as it had in the bedroom, Chloe couldn’t help but to feel a swell of confusion as she watched Nick open the restaurant door for Jenny, giving her the same kind of grin she had once known herself. She wasn’t mad at Nick about Jenny. She knew some people disagreed and thought she should be angry, that she should rage and call him a cheater - but the whole thing was a farce. They both had been so in the wrong; she had cheated too. And she was currently, if they were going to be technical. Still, it felt strange watching Nick laugh at a joke that Jenny had said and toss his arm round her.

Maybe it would feel less strange if -

She glanced at Beca who had remained quiet beside her.

That was beginning to get strange too.

Beca did sullen pretty well.

She went quiet sometimes. Chloe had seen it.

But it was as though the rage that Beca had been feeling all day had somehow inverted, going so deep within her that she was like a kettle about to boil.

It was all so strange.

Being here in Henderson like this felt like she was in limbo, neither in her old life where she was Chloe Cavanaugh nor in her new life where she got to be Chloe Beale again.

She threw another glance at Beca as she finished the assembly line for her food.

And then there was Beca, just to make things all the stranger. All the better...pretty much always...but all the stranger today.

Her Bec who had come along today to help and had been instead pushed into a three-way fight. None of this could be easy for her.

She needed to remember that.

She watched the way that Beca’s eyes shifted as she paid for her food, watched the way she turned and took a deep breath before starting toward the table that Nick and Jenny were already settling into.

“Oh, uh,” the girl behind the counter mumbled, “that lady already paid for your food.”

“Oh!” Chloe rolled her eyes. Of course Beca did! “Alright, then here. Put this toward that guy's order.” She plopped a twenty on the counter with a grin.

That was why Beca was so sullen, so moody. God, she should have remembered that this morning. She shouldn’t have let herself be baited into a fight. She should have seen the moment that Beca tried to get one started this morning.

None of this was easy for her and for a few hours she had forgotten that.

Her fingers twitched, wanting to reach out to her again, to brush back the hair that was hanging a little too much in her face, but Beca looked up as Chloe settled into the seat beside her and her face was so removed that Chloe looked away, knowing it through their bond as the keep your distance stare. Normally she would only take it as a general suggestion, deciding for herself if she was going to obey but today seemed like a good day to listen.

“Hey.” She looked up and into the face of the man who had been in line behind her, “That was really cool of you, thanks.”

“Oh, no problem.” She grinned, hoping that he had continued on with the favor. She loved those things, like when you bought someone a drink at Starbucks. It was nice to think that the chain would never end, brightening each person's day a little bit.

“I’m Jake.”

“Chloe.”

“Well uh,” Jake glanced around the table and gave a small, reluctant nod, “thanks.”

“Got yourself an admirer.” Nick chuckled.

Chloe just smiled and couldn’t help but to notice the death glare that Beca sent the back of Jake’s head.

Oh boy.

“Sorry, we don’t have somewhere fancier to go,” Nick laughed.

“Don’t be, I like this place. Quick and easy.” Chloe gave him a smile and then frowned as she swallowed her first bite. She liked this place but it always needed - “Where are you-” Chloe’s words stopped; chagrined when she saw Beca had risen simply to grab the hot sauce and place it in front of here. “Err, thanks.” She shot her a glance under her eyelashes, inwardly amused and frustrated but Beca wasn’t looking at her.

Alright. So she knew that her moods could be a little extreme these days. She knew that. She refused to give in to that, insistent on the fact that she could still have feelings and not just be hormonal...but the swell of annoyed anger that flashed through her just then was startling.

How was it that Beca could know by the way that Chloe looked around that she wanted the  _ hot sauce _ \- not the red but the green even, and yet she couldn’t know why Chloe wanted to move? It was slightly maddening.

Beca unknowingly kept highlighting her point too; doing things for her before Chloe even realized she needed them; a glass of water before she was thirsty, a spoon when her fork was annoying her, a wedge of lemon when she needed just a little more flavor. Nick was laughing into his napkin as he watched and though Beca was doing it without acknowledging her in any way, it was both making Chloe all the more frustrated as well as filling her with a bubbly sense of joy.

She stabbed a little roughly at a bell pepper in her bowl, watching Beca throw another blankly sour look at Nick when it dawned on her. It was one of those moments where she wanted to roll her eyes at herself; of course. It was because of Nick. She had approached  _ Nick _ before she approached Beca. Her irritating and adorable best friend probably had been hurt that though she and Beca had been fighting longer, it had been Nick that Chloe had first gone to.

Nick.

Who Beca had always seen as something of a rival.

Nick, who Beca hated; who Chloe didn’t think that she had or would ever really forgive for marrying her. Nick, whom she had a sore spot in her soul about.

It hadn’t even meant anything! Nick had simply been closer. That was all.

“So Nick,” Chloe went to reach across the table for a napkin only to find that Beca had already moved a few to her side. “How has work been?”

“Oh, you know,” he began to ramble and Chloe nodded along, trying hard not to look at the silent Beca beside her. This was almost worse than the fighting, this silence, this anger. She hated it. She knew Beca was upset, deeply upset and about more than the fact that she was moving now.

She watched Beca flinch when a rowdy teenager whooped with his friends across the restaurant.

Okay. She was ready for this to be over. She was ready for this to be over and she was ready to cradle that infuriating, adorable woman and make this better. She just looked so - sensitive and hurt.

She had to wonder if their talk of Chloe’s wedding day the night before wasn’t helping either. It was true, they had laughed. It hadn’t been a big deal, but perhaps it was making her think of things that - weren’t quite far enough into the past to be forgotten.

Without warning the image of Beca standing beside her on that day popped into her head. She thought of Beca in that mauve bridesmaid dress that brought out the gold of her skin. The night before they had been laughing, remembering the moment that Chloe had stepped on her dress and brought it down to her armpits. But now, seeing Beca’s blank face, she thought of the tears she had seen in her eyes as she had handed her Nick’s wedding band; of that unexplainable look in them as she had done it.

She took a shuddering breath, feeling Beca’s eyes flash to her face as she heard it.

She both loved and hated those memories, she loved seeing their past relationship through a new filter but she hated seeing the things that had brought Beca pain, the things she had done. She had promised herself when she cupped Beca’s tattoo that she would not apologize anymore for not knowing but, she frowned, looking over at her best friend. She wanted to touch her, her hand even began to move but everything about Beca said not right now.

So, her eyelashes fluttered for a second and she continued to eat.

She had hurt Beca’s feelings - on top of her feelings already being kind of hurt - and she felt terrible.

When Beca rose and gathered a to-go container for her, Nick finally broke, his grin wide and amused, “Anything else? She need anything else, Miss Cleo?”

Beca just shot him a dark glare.

Even Chloe had to hide her smile then.

See! This fight was silly. Beca knew her so well, everything would be fine. Unlike her past fights with Nick, she didn’t have a small part of her worrying that perhaps she would never be understood. Beca would get it. They just needed to talk. They just needed to get away from Nick and Jenny. Thank goodness they had gotten a hotel room.

“So,” Jenny put down her cup with a huge geeky smile, “we’re doing it, right? I’ve been waiting for three whole weeks. We’re finally going to do it, yeah?”

Nick let out a boom of a laugh, “If we don’t I might start to get kind of cranky.”

“ _ Start _ to get cranky?” Beca muttered and Chloe let out her own laugh. “Do what?” Beca asked her plate.

“Gender reveals!”

Chloe bit her lip, enjoying that though Beca was angry, she couldn’t seem to help it as her eyes flashed to Chloe and back to her plate and then around the room, looking hopeful.

She had only been waiting for a week but still, she tossed another glance toward Beca, she was so excited to finally share.

Beca had been all over her for days insisting that she had to know, trying to trick her into accidentally spilling. There had been many tickle fights where Beca had promised that she would only relent if Chloe divulged; Beca had bartered, she had even tried to use her birthday to get the information from her. In between all of that, there had been plenty of taunting - from the both of them. Beca had, as of the day before, begun to insist that Chloe was ‘so bad at hiding anything, dude’ and had decided that it was a boy - then a girl - then a boy before giving up and pouting.

It had been so cute and Chloe had freaking loved it.

Anger, the fight, hurt, all of it had dropped away from her as excitement overwhelmed and suddenly she was all but bouncing in her seat.

“Should we do it here?”

“Naw,” Nick stood, “let’s go home first.”

Chloe grinned, “Let’s go then! Come on!” She stood, ready to lead by example but just before she moved away from the table she stopped, dropping down to place a small kiss on Beca’s ear. It was quick, just a second, but she hoped that it would help. God, she wanted to do so much more, she wanted to wrap her up and tickle her and bite her neck and be silly until Beca gave in and laughed. She wanted to make Beca feel less unhappy. She restrained herself. Barely. She was pretty sure that Beca wouldn’t appreciate it in front of Nick.

They headed out of the restaurant, Chloe taking a second to throw her napkins in the trash.

She opened the door and stepped into the surprisingly warm weather. Blinking against the sun, her hand coming up to shield her eyes and let out a little yelp when she realized that Beca was standing in front of her. “Oh my god! Bec! You scared me.”

“Uhhh, sorry. Didn’t mean to.” Beca’s eyes rolled at herself and she huffed, the words spilling out fast. “Look, this is not how I want my day to be going, okay? This is not exactly fun for me as it is. So how about we drop it? For now. Not always. For now. Okay? This is all awkward enough without you being mad at me too.” Beca rambled on like that for a minute and Chloe watched, surprised and pleased.

“Hey,” she caught Beca’s arm just as she was turning muttering ‘fuck it’, “calm down.”

Beca gave a rude snort.

Chloe’s smile grew, “Thanks.”

“I uh,” Beca clicked her tongue, avoiding her eyes. “What, for being kind of an ass today?”

Chloe heard that for the apology it was. “I hurt your feelings earlier, didn’t I?”

Beca’s eyes turned into slits of discomfort, “I mean, I wouldn't say hurt, but like -”

“I’m sorry.”

Beca coughed out a laugh, thrown off track. “Yeah. Me too.”

“You okay?” She touched her cheek, knowing the answer already.

“Errr-”

“Yeah, I guess I get that.” She sighed, that image of Beca that day three years ago still fluttering through her mind. “Bec-”

Beca finally made eye contact so Chloe just wrapped her arms around her, feeling better the moment that Beca was there. Beca sighed. “Come here.” She reached and placed a soft kiss on Beca’s lips.

Despite herself, Beca’s cheeks flushed at the kiss and a smile began to crown. It only made Chloe want more, debating how rude it would be to take a better kiss in front of Nick and Jenny. Restraining herself she cuddled Beca in, squeezing her until Beca let out an awkward little groan of pain. “We’re just fighting. Like we’ve done a million times.”

“Right.” Beca frowned, her mouth opened but no sound came out.

“What is it, baby?”

Her mouth snapped closed, twitching and blushing as she still did whenever Chloe called her that. It pushed a smile onto her face as her eyes began to regain some twinkle, “Nothing. I just - nothing. Am I really  _ finally _ going to find out? Bella or Treble?”

“Hmmm,” Chloe pretended to think, her hands massaging the side of Beca’s neck, “Have you ever thought about the fact that Barden was kind of a terrible school?”

“Oh yeah.” She answered at once, “They were totally fine with you failing three times to be a Bella. Total shit school.  _ If _ I ever have kids they won’t be going there.”

Chloe let out a loud laugh, tickled. Apparently, Beca was as relieved to be speaking again as Chloe was. She bit her lip, feeling those Beca-butterflies again as she considered another kiss. “What about being a Bella? Or a Treble?”

“Well, um, tell you what. When - if - I find someone who wants to have a baby with me then we’ll discuss it.”

Chloe laughed again but there was a strange squirming sensation in her belly. The woman who would give Beca a family - she didn’t - she didn’t want to think about that. “When.” She said with a nod, “definitely when.”

Beca shifted, her change of topic fairly transparent, “Can’t you just tell me now?” She whispered conspiratorially as she pushed a lock of Chloe’s hair behind her ear. It hadn’t really been in the way so it made Chloe wonder if she had done it simply to have an excuse to touch her, “I promise I won’t tell anyone. I’ll even act surprised.”

“Nope.”

“Oh, coooomeon!” She whined, “I’m such a good actor!”

“You’re really not, Bec,” Chloe laughed.

“It’s a boy, isn’t it?”

“Maybe.”

Beca gave a dramatic sigh, “Okaaaaay.”

“Okay.” Chloe laced her fingers through Beca’s and leaned over to give her a peck on the cheek.

“This has been the longest day of my life.”

Chloe squeezed her fingers, “I know.”

“But, on the plus side, we have a hotel tonight. So that’s something.”

Chloe grinned, “You’re right. We do.”

Beca’s head snapped up, clearly liking something she had just heard in Chloe’s tone. Her grin pulled wider, playful in response, “And you finally won’t be able to hold this secret over me.”

“I have not!” she cried.

“You so have too!” Beca jumped in immediately, “You totally have. It’s been kind of messed up.”

She laughed, rolling her eyes, “Well. Let’s go then so you can find out.”

“Right.” Beca pushed her sunglasses on with a huge sigh, “Let’s go. Back to the Cavanaugh house.”

* * *

AN: Okay, halfway through the Henderson trip. Now on to the gender reveal!


	4. Chapter 4

….Weird...weird, weird, this was fucking weird.

Beca was sitting...in the living room of Chloe’s house with her husband...in Henderson, Nevada...waiting to hear the gender of her newly-out-as-a-lesbian-fuckbuddy’s unborn baby...with her newly-out-as-a-lesbian-fuckbuddy’s husband...and his girlfriend…who was also carrying his baby.

Okay, yeah, she  _ really _ didn’t like calling Chloe that - at all - and it wasn't even quite right but - ‘best friend’ seemed to fall short in the face of  _ this _ awkwardness so… Chloe...her...um...Chloe…?

Either freaking way it was weird, like a real life - but not at all as funny or amusing - soap opera.

Ugh,  _ ‘Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our dramatic and awkward lives.’ _

She scooted back a little further on the arm of the couch where she was perched, leaning forward so her elbows could rest on her knees as she expelled a deep breath into her hands.

She should have stayed out front a little longer, waited for the pregnant women to go inside and then had another cigarette; anything to prolong sitting here and waiting like this. She really wished she had but when she paused, reaching into her pocket for her pack of Camels, she had seen Chloe’s eyebrow arch and she hadn’t dared. They had only just made up and everything was still all - whatever it was… Fighting some more was really not what she wanted right now. Yeah, she got that a lot of the fighting from earlier, especially before Nick arrived, was kind of her fault - kind of - she had just been a little - um grumpy - yeah, let’s say grumpy - and not say totally freaking disappointed. So that had equaled shoving the pack back into her jeans because she didn’t really feel like pushing her luck. Not when she and Chloe would head to their own space in a few hours, not when she would be given the chance to relax and take a shower and  _ not  _ be fighting.

She hated fighting with Chloe. She always had.

It wasn’t easy and it kind of felt like giving herself willing papercuts.

That was why ignoring her had been so hard when Chloe first arrived for the reunion. Everything about that was literally counter-intuitive for her...that’s why when she needed to get away from her she had been forced to make a clean break. She couldn’t. She literally couldn’t with Chloe. She had no self-control.

She sent a quick look around the living room again, her skin itching with discomfort.

Okay.

This wasn’t  _ all that _ weird.

Right?

There were weirder things out there, right?

Totally.

She had been part of weirder things than this...just because she couldn’t think of them right now didn’t mean it wasn’t true. She just needed to - she didn’t know, but this wasn’t weird, it wasn’t totally weird, really freaking weird or anything.

“ _ Nick! _ ” The name finally exploded from Chloe like a loud, raucous sneeze. The titian-haired beauty was sitting across the couch from Beca; the nervous and obviously stressed tension was coming off of her in waves. “We’re waiting for you!”

“ _ I’m coming! _ ” He immediately barked back from his office.

Silence filled the living room again for a few minutes, Chloe giving Jenny and Beca small, apologetic smiles.

“Can’t you call them back?”

“Chloe, it’s work, I’ll be right there!”

No, this wasn’t weird at aaaaaaalllll.

That definitely hadn’t just totally sounded like an exchange that Nick and Chloe probably had a million times over.

Fuck it. This was weird.

She shifted uneasily and noticed Jenny. The other brunette had amusedly bit her lip at Chloe’s first outburst but now her expression had twisted, a look of slight disgust on her face. It made Beca wonder if she was maybe thinking the same thing that Beca had been. She watched her look around the room, her lip still pulled back unhappily as if she suddenly wasn’t sure how she had gotten there. Maybe going from secret mistress to the main squeeze was a little strange...especially when  _ the wife _ was sitting five feet away from you.

It felt like something that you would see on Grey’s Anatomy, something between Callie, Arizona, and Mark and - ugh, she rolled her eyes, Chloe - that was Chloe’s fault. Those hadn’t been her thoughts, those were Chloe’s, somehow sprinting through her own mind. Comparing life to Grey’s Anatomy...that wasn’t even current Chloe, that was Chloe from five years ago since - as she had recently learned - Chloe no longer watched Grey’s. She, apparently, had given up hope since her role model Shonda had ‘ruined her favorite show’. ‘She broke Arizona and Callie up for absolutely no reason, Beca’, had been the only explanation she had gotten.

But seriously though, how were they not acknowledging this weirdness? Like really. Acknowledging it had to make it a little less weird...bring it all out into the open...we’re uncomfortable...whatever. They should just own it, right? That was the best thing to do when something was making you feel weird...take away its power or - cut off the Samson hair or - something like that?

She opened her mouth but...okay, knowing her, whatever it was that sounded good in her head would come out and only then would she realize it was terrible. Still though they really just like couldn’t sit here all day like this - She opened her mouth again, ready to bring forward all of her learned producer charm and hopefully get them all laughing but nope, that seemed like a bad plan too. She gave a little cough and then swallowed hard as Jenny looked up, glancing almost fearfully at Chloe, to Beca and then back to her hands fast when she saw Beca looking.

Yeah, they  _ all _ clearly thought this was weird.

“ _ NICK! _ ” Chloe suddenly yelled, making both Beca and Jenny flinch. Chloe’s cheeks went red as she realized she had shouted.

“Fine! I’m coming!”

Eyes wide, Beca had to fight to keep the laughter back. It wasn’t that it was funny; it was that it was just so goddamn awkward-turtle. And hearing Chloe yell at Nick like that was awkward too. Ugh, what was with her head right now? As far as she was concerned, Chloe had been living in Narnia for those two years they weren’t speaking and not here living as Nick’s wife. Hearing her sound so wifely - kinda gross.

She sucked in her lips, biting them as her shoulders bounced ever so slightly. Oh my god, she ran her fingers through her hair; the pressure was making her giddy. She was going to crack.

Chloe glanced her way, gentle intrigue on her face. “What’s so funny, you?”

Beca opened her mouth but saw that Jenny looked a little bit like she was going to be sick so she just shook her head, swallowing it down. Still, when she glanced back up at Chloe she saw a shadow of her own amusement there, as though through their bond, Chloe knew exactly why she was fighting not to laugh and she found it adorable.

“Okay, I’m here, I’m here! That was a huge call, Chloe but I’m here.”

“Thank you.” Chloe gave him a sweet smile, ignoring his passive aggressiveness.

Beca rolled her eyes. Exhibit freaking B.

“So,” Chloe took a deep breath, tossing her wild curls over her shoulder, her uncomfortable face beaming with excitement again. With a small clap, she asked, “Who’s going first?”

Nick had been on his way across the room to join Jenny on the couch. Hearing that he froze, one foot still in the air behind him, his face slack and blank though his eyes had begun to dart quickly around the room like maybe he would find an exit plan.

Beca choked again. Oh my god, that  _ so  _ hadn’t been fair.

“Errr.” He scratched his chin.

Chloe frowned, completely  _ not _ seeing, in proper Chloe form, that she had basically just asked Nick to tell his two women which one of the babies he was more excited to hear about, which was more important, which one he wanted to hear about  _ first _ .

Nick glanced toward Chloe - then Jenny - then Beca, his foot slowly lowering to the ground, “Um.”

“What’s wrong? Nick, are you okay?” Chloe asked in alarm.

He was so screwed and clearly he knew it because Beca could see his teeth grinding together, his fists opening and closing nervously.

He stood there so long in absolute wide-eyed frozen silence that Beca began to feel bad for the idiot. She let out an awkwardly forced laugh and clapped her hands together, “Why don’t we flip a coin?”

His shoulders slumped and for the first time in a long while, he gave her a look of genuine affection, “That’s a great idea! Flip a coin! Yes, I have one, okay, Jenn you’re heads! Readygo!” He cried, flipping the coin into the air with so much gusto that the quarter shot across the room and bounced off of the wall.

All four heads turned to mutely stare at it.

Beca bit her tongue.

Chloe’s eyebrows drew together in surprise as she finally turned her head to look back at Nick but she nodded and let out a somewhat shaky and confused, “O-okay.”

Damn it, nothing was funny! Control yourself, Beca!

She watched Chloe’s face as she tried to pretend this wasn’t awkward and she was having a hard time keeping herself composed. Chloe had never been good at hiding what she was thinking or feeling, especially if it was negative and right now was no different. Her eyelashes were fluttering, her lips twisting downward ever so slightly and her nose was scrunched as though she smelled something bad. Beca felt yet another bubble of nervous laughter rising; Chloe had the freaking  _ worst _ poker face.

Oh my god, calm your shit, Beca.

A bit abashed Nick picked the quarter up and flipped it again. “Heads!” He cried, flopping down on the couch beside Jenny. “The fates have decided!”

Oh god. She stared up at the ceiling, her stomach sick with laughter.

She wasn’t going to make it.

Beca hadn’t totally decided what she thought of Jenny. The problem was that she didn’t know if she was supposed to hate her for Chloe’s sake or like her for Chloe’s sake. They needed to have this talk. The thing was...she was kind of funny. She watched Jenny study Nick, an eyebrow rising in dry amusement.

“What?” He frowned but Jenny just shook her head.

“Okay Jen,” Nick grinned, “It’s a boy, right? It’s a boy. It’s so a boy.”

Beca rolled her eyes, this baby literally had nothing to do with her and yet even  _ she _ felt herself holding her breath.

“Waaa!” Jenny cried, her hands animatedly shaking in the air as her legs bounced. “It’s funny; I’ve been keeping this a secret for so long that it’s like awkward to finally tell you.”

“Jeeeeennnnnnnnn! You’re killin’ me, Smalls!”

This time, Beca did laugh; she hadn’t meant to but it popped from her before she could stop it, coming out unnaturally high and strange and making her frown at herself. Oh. That was bad. But really though, did he just make a Sandlot reference?

Lip twitching as well Jenn asked, “I should just say it, right?”

Chloe gave her an encouraging nod and a wink, then glanced back at Beca as though she were slightly worried about her.

“Sorry,” Beca mouthed, her shoulders still shaking. What was her problem right now? She felt, she didn’t even know, she just felt weird, static and a little like she had put her shoes on the wrong feet.

Not good. Whatever it was, it wasn’t good.

Jenny across from her was smiling at nothing, “Alright. 1 - 2 - 3 - go. It’s a girl.”

“What?” Nick shouted, “We’re going to have a little girl?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Whoooooo!” He bellowed, scooping the small woman up and swinging her through the air.

It was infectious. Beca couldn’t help it, she was smiling too as she watched Jenny fly, listening to her laugh one of the most genuine laughs that Beca had ever heard. She tossed a glance at Chloe, enjoying the happiness on her face, the way she was cheering for them. She was just - ugh - she was just so freaking kind. Should she really be this happy for her husband and his girlfriend? But she was Chloe, so she totally was. She knew it.

Beca wondered yet again what the gender of her baby would be. She wished she would just  _ say _ . She - she wanted to know a little more than she probably should. That was bad too.

Nick dropped down to his knees, softly caressing Jenny’s impressive baby bump, “Maaaan, you were supposed to be my baseball champ!”

“She still can be!” Chloe laughed, her hand on her own small belly.

Beca wasn’t really sure what to say here, but she was positive she should say something so she just offered, “Congrats,” and Nick beamed.

“Do you have any names picked out yet?”

“No, not really.” Jenny shook her head at Chloe, “Nick wanted to name her after Marcy if it was a girl but I’m - let’s just say I’m not so sure of that one.”

For the first time that day they all laughed as a group, all understanding the issue there. Marcy...yeah...that was like naming your kid Voldemort and hoping for the best. She wasn’t superstitious, not really, but even she was sure calling that kid Marcy would be a jinx.

“I kind of not-so-secretly like the name Aerith though.”

“Aerith? That’s different. Pretty!”

Beca realized that she was watching Chloe’s face again, liking the honest smile that was there. She loved it whenever Chloe smiled like that. She wondered absently if it would be okay to reach over and take her hand. They weren’t fighting anymore. In her condo she would have done it in a heartbeat, she would have done it and then pulled Chloe closer; no, in her condo Chloe already would have been close. She...she just wanted her near. She wanted to be closer to her.

“Yeah, I like it I guess,” Nick frowned uncomfortably crossing his arms, “I just - okay, I’m going to just say it; you don’t think it’s weird to name our little girl after a ‘Final Fantasy’ character?”

Jenny’s jaw dropped, “Blaspheme!” And with that she went into a long, rattling speech about  _ why _ their daughter deserved such an amazing name.

“Okay, okay, okay! I give up! I give up!” He laughed, “We’ll argue later, alright?”

“That’s right, Cavanaugh!” Jenny laughed and ran her fingers through his hair.

“Man, a little girl.” Nick sighed, his voice going rough around the edges. He paused for a moment, clearing his throat, “A little fucking girl. Wow.” His hands went back to the belly, leaning in and giving it a soft, intimate kiss.

Beca watched him do it, a frown pulling at her lips. That strange feeling was growing again, that strange giddy weirdness that she couldn’t figure out. Nick pressed his lips to Jenny’s stomach once more and then looked up. She watched as he and Jenny shared a grin and maybe some kind of secret joke.

Beca’s frown grew, turning into a grimace.

“Have you felt any movement yet, Chloe?” Jenny finally asked, pulling out of whatever had been happening between herself and Nick.

The question made Beca jump, yanking from her thoughts, from the thorough examination she was giving herself. What was her problem? Why was she so...uncomfortable? She felt like her whole body was covered in ants, making her itchy and anxious, like she just needed to move around a bit...or cry...she rarely felt like she needed to have a good cry. That wasn’t really her thing - mostly. But right now that sounded perfect. Why the hell did she want to cry?

Chloe shook her head, “Well, that’s not true, I guess, a little but nothing solid. I can’t feel them from the outside yet, it’s more like -”

“Butterfly wings.”

“Yeah! It scared me at first. I’ve never felt anything like it.”

“So far we can barely feel her.” Jenny sighed, rubbing her belly with obvious affection, “Nick,” her eyes rolled, “has been reading her the first ‘Twilight’ book and she seems to like it because she moves around a lot when he does.”

“Awe, ‘Twilight’, Nick?” Beca laughed, “Is that really the first thing you want her to know about this world?”

He let out a chuckle, not at all offended by her ribbing, “Hey, she wasn’t moving when I was reading her Shakespeare.”

“Probably because you’re so bad at it,” Jenny insisted.

He rolled his eyes but he was clearly pleased with the teasing.

Beca watched him pet Jenny’s stomach and that strange feeling grew again, disorienting her.

Finally Nick turned, “So? Is  _ that _ my baseball champ?”

Chloe’s hand slowly went to her belly and Beca felt dizzy as she watched that very secret smile pass over Chloe’s lips. God, she was beautiful. “No. She’s a  _ legacy _ .”

“YEEEEEES, I’M GOING TO BE SURROUNDED BY WOMEN!” Nick bellowed, making them all yelp.

Beca blinked.

A legacy?

A girl? She had been right? She had been right! Or wait...she had said a boy last, hadn’t she? Whatever! It was a little Chloe! A little girl!

Excitement rushed through her, making her want to sing, making her want to jump on Chloe, tackle her to the ground and possibly cover every inch of her with kisses. Holy shit, it was a  _ girl! _ Their Bella family was really one more strong. She was having a girl!

Pink bows, polka dots, and tiny ginger curls all passed through her mind in a matter of seconds.

Hoooly shit, there was going to be two of them. There were going to be two Chloe’s in the world.

The thought made her head spin.

She turned, ready to jump, ready to grab her, ready to kiss her, ready to drop to her knees and kiss that little belly, so fucking excited but Nick let out another, “YEEEES,” and suddenly Chloe was gone, no longer sitting a foot or two away from her - like she had turned to smoke.

Nick had scooped her up, just like he had done with Jenny. He had done it so fast that all Beca saw was a streak of red hair flying and heard a surprised yelp over his boisterous laughter.

She didn’t know why, it shouldn’t have hit her like it did but Beca blinked, slapped. It shouldn’t have mattered...it didn’t, it didn’t freaking matter at all, of course Nick got first dibs - duh, of course he did - he was the father - and yet, Beca’s face went blank, smirking a defensive scowl as she moved back to her sitting position.

She should be happy - god, she was happy - but - watching Nick holding Chloe in his arms, watching Chloe’s head thrown back in laughter as he bounced her excitedly, watching Jenny smile at them - Beca finally realized what that strange feeling in her stomach was.

Outside.

She was an outsider in this.

Her stomach rolled and then turned to stone; she wasn’t part of this parenting team, was she? She wasn’t even on reserves. She cringed. Now that she could recognize the feeling, it overtook her, making her feel all at once - alien.

She didn’t like it. Really didn’t like it.

Chloe’s legs kicked, flailing, and he put her down, rubbing her belly. The whole thing basically fit in his palm and Beca - didn’t like that either, especially when he dropped down and said, “Hi baby girl, this is your daddy.”

Beca felt herself jerk back, repelled like he had just done something nasty.

What the fuck was wrong with her?

She glanced around at the three faces. Though she was still sitting there, though she was very much in the room - she felt invisible. She looked at all of their happy faces again and...she could easily just - not be there. Her presence didn’t change anything, and her lack of it wouldn’t change the dynamic at all - especially for these babies. Wasn’t that exactly Nick’s point earlier? Of course, she really didn’t give a shit about what Nick had to say but, yeah, why was she even there?

She supposed it was nice to kind of get what had been bugging her, but, no, she kind of wished she hadn’t figured it out. Now it was all she could feel, all that she could taste.

Stupid.

This was stupid.

Why did she suddenly care?

She didn’t care.

Not really.

She blinked slowly, her stone stomach going sour so she closed her hands together, retreating into herself. She didn’t like how this felt.

Ugh, she hated Henderson. This place was like her own personal version of Hell, wasn’t it? The place Chloe had disappeared to, where Nick was - and his mother, where Beca couldn’t exist. It was literally a hole in the desert and she hated it.

“Hey.”

Beca jumped guiltily when she realized that her eyes had glazed, staring at nothing. She looked up and straight into those searching baby blues, which only made her blink fast; having those eyes sprung on her like that was always disorienting. “Uuuuuhhh.” She hadn’t even realized that Chloe had flopped down on the couch beside her.

“Did you hear me?” Chloe was smiling - in that way - her secret Beca smile and it made her dizzy. It took her a second to realize that Chloe’s hand was possessively bunched in the front of her shirt, balling it into her fist. She glanced down at the pale hand, at the black painted nails, something that Chloe did on occasion because she could tell that Beca liked it, and without permission Beca’s grin slowly appeared, “It’s a girl?” Crap. Her voice had just gone all squeaky, but how could it not with the way Chloe’s eyes were holding hers, her hand spidering tighter against her stomach so she could take more of her shirt into her hand. Beca fell in, happily surrendering to those eyes, her smile stretching as the feeling from a moment before began to slip away like smoke under Chloe’s focused attention, “Legacy’s actually a legacy?”

“Yeah.” Chloe pulled and, to Beca’s pleasant surprise, when she leaned forward thinking that Chloe was going to whisper or - something - Chloe caught her lips, giving her a long, deep kiss. She couldn't be sure but she thought that she heard a deep voice awkwardly clear his throat behind them. Before she could think much of that there was a small yank and Beca let out a yelp, her arms and legs flailing for a second as she fell off the arm of the couch. Then she was pressed against Chloe’s side, feeling better, feeling real as she smelled her clean scent, felt her curls tickling her nose.

She met her lips again and sighed, letting out a small laugh. “Really?” Beca squeaked, her heart beginning to stutter and flip under Chloe’s gaze, melting her from the inside out.

“Really.”

She opened her mouth but words failed her, instead she licked her lips, watching Chloe study her from this close range. Her eyebrows pulled together and suddenly, her heart shot into her throat, her breath catching. She could feel  _ it _ rising and she slowly registered the thought - now...she’s going to say it now. Her cheeks flushed as Chloe’s lips parted and then, Chloe tucked her in tightly beside her, taking her hand, kissing it and turning back to the group. Beca watched her profile for a second longer, trying not to feel like a balloon that had just been popped.

Well shit.

 

****

 

The day, despite everything, turned out to be a good one. Nick let the fight go, as had Beca, she had finally told them that they would be having a little girl and then she had been treated to the feeling of one or the others hands on her belly for the rest of the night, happily celebrating. That had been wonderful. She and Jenny had even been able to enjoy a moment of the other’s belly before Nick had announced that the unborn girls would be sisters and both women had felt too awkward to continue. That hadn’t changed the general vibe however. Though Beca had never liked Nick and Nick had been less than fond of Beca, the three of them had enjoyed many nights of laughter and comradery when Chloe and Nick had been dating; which was the only time all three had lived in the same city. It pleased Chloe to see that they were still capable of doing that. Somehow that felt important.

She still couldn’t believe she was having a little girl.

Sophie - no - Lauren.

No, she hated both of those. She wanted something original, something unique but beautiful. Damn, well she had plenty of time for that. She had been tossing around a few names here and there, excited for the moment when she would finally find it, the name of her little girl, her daughter. She had no idea what it would be but she had a feeling that she would know it the moment that she heard it.

_ Her daughter _ . Wow.

Dinner had been easy, just a plate of veggie pasta while they all sat around the kitchen table. It had been nice, simple but Chloe’s energy level by the time the meal was done had been low. She had tried to be polite, tried to muffle her yawns. Apparently, she hadn’t done such a good job though because once the dishes were washed Beca had looked at her with Chloe’s favorite crooked grin and said that she would love to head to the hotel, check in and get a shower.

Chloe had agreed with a mildly guilty smile.

She could really use some down time.

She could use some Bec time.

Especially after their morning. She was a little anxious to get her into her arms.

Like now.

In truth, she was also happy to get out of the house for a little while. She didn’t know how she felt about, well, all of this. Staying in L.A. with Beca was so amazing, but it also meant that she hadn’t really registered all that was happening here, everything in Henderson. Now that she was thinking about it all, it was beginning to feel like a mental Rubik’s Cube.

She was still legally married.

Officially, she was still  _ supposed _ to be with Nick.

Her parents still thought she was married and living happily in Henderson, as though the past months had never happened. They were probably waiting for her to call them and make plans of who would be visiting whom over the holidays.

That wasn’t their fault...

Chloe hadn’t exactly told them.

She hated that they didn’t know, she hated feeling like she was setting herself up for another situation like what had happened with Aubrey. The thing was though, she  _ couldn’t  _ tell them without explaining all of it and she had no idea how they would respond. It probably would not be well, honestly. The thing about her parents was that they were predictably unpredictable. While that had trained her at a young age to easily handle any sudden shifts of emotion and any sudden show of authority, it also meant that the idea of facing them left her emotionally tired.

There was a reason why she only called them a few times a year.

Oh god, she ran her hands through her hair, combing out a few tangles, they didn’t even know she was pregnant.

And...she wasn’t with Nick, as strange and wonderful and sad as that was. It already felt a bit strange to say she was having  _ his _ baby - like this little girl had just magically appeared one day all on her own.

It had only been a few months and yet her universe with her three lives, her students, her yoga class; it was all fading at an alarming rate. As a matter of fact, it was fading so easily behind her new life that she could only take it as confirmation that she had made the right choice in leaving. Of course she had. Every day that she felt like herself, every day that she smiled without having to push, without having to fake it, let her know that she had made the right choice.

But, ugh, her parents did need to know.

She had to call them...soon….not tonight.

Beca groaned with relish as she unlocked the hotel door, flopping onto the large sterile smelling bed and sprawling out instantly. Chloe hid a victorious scoff. See. She knew she was tired! Beca had insisted all day that she wasn’t but Chloe had totally known it. They had started their day very early and it had been stressful, especially for Beca.

Maybe she should give her a back rub - or –  _ something _ that would help Beca relax. She deserved it. Maybe this room would have a nice big bath tub and they could relax - together.

Chloe grinned fondly down at her, enjoying her cuteness and, unable to stand it another minute, she flopped on her as she had done a million times over the years. Beca let out a groan but it turned into easy laughter instantly. “You’re cute, did you know that?” She asked as she crawled over her.

Beca let out a laugh, “Oh yeah?”

“Yup.” Chloe nuzzled her cheek, “Very cute.”

“I don’t know how I feel about this ‘cute’ thing, Chlo.”

Chloe snickered, “Okay, I take it back. You’re very sexy. Is that better?”

Beca just let out a satisfied grunt, nodding at no one in particular as she rubbed at her sleepy eye with a finger. “So like...is it just me,” Beca started as Chloe cuddled into the crook of her shoulder, enjoying the way Beca wrapped around her back just as they had been the night before, “or is this really freaking weird?”

Chloe laughed, taking a moment to notice something shift between them as Beca cuddled in, her face set in the crook of Chloe’s neck. She wouldn’t have said that things didn’t feel  _ right _ throughout the day...not exactly… Perhaps it was because she had been distracted by the fighting but suddenly she realized that the moment they had closed the hotel door on Henderson, they felt like  _ them _ for the first time that day. She supposed it made sense, the high stress of the situation, and Beca had been right, it was all weird. She bit her lip, “It’s not just you.”

“Okay good. I mean, I’m barely involved in any of that, I guess, but holy shit, weird. Did you see the pile of boxes in the dining room?”

“I did.” She chuckled again, tossing her hair over her shoulder and laughing when it fell across Beca’s face.

“How are you doing with, you know, all of - that?” Beca asked coughing and spitting red curls back out of her mouth. “I mean, is it weird to watch your husband’s mistress moving into your house?”

Chloe sighed and rolled, her mind working over the question as she turned in Beca’s arms to face her. Not ready with the answer yet, she let her face rest in Beca’s throat, taking a second to breathe in her scent. She loved the smell, makeup and hair products, and that very specific Beca scent. She was silent for a long while, her mind skipping through memories of her short marriage.

It was funny, but while she knew she loved Nick, while she knew their relationship hadn’t been all bad, the general feeling she got whenever she did this - thought back like this - was not a positive one. There were good times. She had been so happy on her wedding day. It had been beautiful. And the honeymoon and - so many times throughout. And yet, what she thought of was the day that she had sat in that chair beside her bedroom window - alone - and cried - all day. She thought of the times that he had wrapped her in a hug and she - for no conscious reason had pulled away. She thought of the night she had walked in on him stroking himself, of how hopeful he had looked, of how much he had openly wanted from her. She thought of going out as a couple with his office friends and listening to stories of babies, of how she had smiled from under his arm and - pretended. “Only a little bit.” She finally answered. “I was sitting there at one point thinking about the day we bought those couches and thinking about the fact that they aren’t mine anymore. I mean, I’ve been  _ naked _ on them and now they are someone else’s.”

“Aaah!” Beca cried, shaking her head and trying to hide, “I don’t want to think about that. Like, maybe let's pretend that you never slept with Nick, okay?”

“Oops.” She kissed Beca’s chin, making her hum again. “I didn’t mean it like that though! Don’t you ever like to just be - naked?”

Beca started to laugh, making Chloe frown, not really seeing the joke. “I uh - let's just - um - aaaanyway.” Chloe’s eyebrows shot up, “Is that a liberating feeling or a - bad feeling?”

“Both, I guess. I needed to change my situation but it’s kind of strange too. I think the thing that is bothering me the most is that I’m constantly wondering if I should be  _ more  _ uncomfortable.”

“Only if you feel that way. I mean, yeah, it’s weird but there’s no set way to handle a situation like this, right Chlo?”

“Maybe not.” She shook her head a little as she tried to find the right words, “I don’t know. Jenny is clearly about to move into my house. The house. Nick and I picked it out together; it was only the third one we saw. I mean, I remember asking him for it over the two others. I remember going out to eat afterward and fighting about which one was better because  _ he _ liked the first one more. How weird is that? I have all of these memories and - I don’t know, it’s so strange, I think I feel guilty because I might be more upset about - the  _ house _ than the man in it.” Chloe bit her lip as she confessed, looking up at Beca under her lashes. “If I’m upset about anything.”

Beca, a small frown on her lips pulled back to see her better, “Why does that make you feel  _ guilty _ Chlo? Shouldn’t that tell you something?”

“What should it be telling me exactly?”

“I dunno,” Beca made a face as she thought, “This might all be weird, but you’re missing the house more than the guy you married and, well, uh, you’re lying here with me.”

Chloe grinned, walking her fingers up Beca’s side, “That so isn’t weird. I’ve been laying with you like this for years.” She cuddled in a little closer and Beca’s arm tightened around her, “Even exactly like this sometimes.”

Beca rolled her eyes, laughing up at the ceiling, “God, we were so  _ gay _ ! Why didn’t anyone tell us that we were so gaaaaay?”

“I think that’s on you, closet queen.”

“Me?” She cried, “I’m the closet queen? I think that title goes to you, dude. I - yeah - I came out years ago now. So. Yeah no. No way.”

“Mmmhmm, whatever.” Chloe’s face dropped back to her shoulder to hide her laughter, enjoying the way that Beca’s hand came up to hold her there, her fingers curling into her hair.

It was true though. If she thought about it she wasn’t sure which was stranger, this new situation with Nick or the fact that it took her so long to realize her feelings for Beca. All around, the last three months or so had been a strange ride for Chloe, leaving her feeling a bit discombobulated. “I still don’t think that it’s strange, Bec.”

“Oh no?”

“Nope.” Chloe came up from her shoulder and gave her a wink, her smile spreading across her face as she realized that she had barely been kissed that day and, teasing or not, Beca was about to make up for it. She could feel it in the air around her.

“I can make it strange,” Beca said in a low voice, mischief dripping from her words.

“What? No way. I refuse to believe that this could ever be strange.”

“Nu-uh, I can totally do it.”

“No way! You only think you can.” Chloe felt her breath catch with anticipation, sure that Beca was about to kiss her and completely ready for it, even inching forward a little to make it easier.

“Totally can.”

Chloe bit her lip, waiting, the anticipation making her body ache, wanting to pull her in herself. She was getting impatient. The devilish little glint in Beca’s eyes told her that she was fully aware of it too, and was stalling. “I thought you were going to make it weird.” She challenged, daring Beca, her hand sprawling across Beca’s chest; taking a handful of the cloth and pulling ever so slightly.

Beca’s eyebrow popped and she leaned in, still not closing the space. “What’s wrong, Chlo? You look all twitchy and excited.”

“Don’t make fun of me!” She watched Beca bite her lip, slowly and purposefully and considered just reaching up and taking it for herself.

“Hey Chlo,” Beca grinned, “How ya doin’?”

Chloe gave a little frustrated huff, her eyes rolling, “Why aren’t you kissing meeee?”

“Kissing you? Is that what I’m supposed to be doing?”

“Uuugh,” Chloe groaned, “you’re so annoying.”

“I-”

But Chloe gave a yank and Beca’s lips were on hers. She let out a satisfied little huff, her breath flying from her as though it had been yanked away. “Mmmm,” she hummed against Beca’s lips and then gasped just a little as Beca, grinning, parted her lips so her tongue could gently flick against Chloe’s.

That delicious fire blossomed in her belly and Chloe pulled Beca’s shirt a little harder, pulling her into her a little more.

They were changing this way and Chloe loved it. There was less hesitancy, less ‘this is new’ worry; their lips were becoming familiar, the things that would make them purr becoming a known secret. Usually that meant a slight decline in sensuality and sexuality in Chloe’s past relationships but with Beca, no, it seemed that they wanted one another more every day. It was just that now when they slipped this part of them on, it was warm and perfectly shaped like a favorite tee shirt. It was awesome.

“That was something that we didn’t do before.” Beca gasped a little when she pulled away.

“Mmm,” Beca let Chloe find her throat, “I think it’s an improvement.” She felt Beca’s laughter against her lips. “See, somehow that’s still not weird. Is it weird that kissing you is not weird?”

“Only if you want it to be weird, I guess.”

“Is it weird how many times we’ve said weird in the last few minutes?”

Beca let out another bark of a laugh, her face crinkling into a grin.

Seeing that Chloe pulled her back in, peppering her lips with small kisses, “Do you think it’s strange for  _ them? _ ” Her face stayed close, her fingers tracing Beca’s mouth. She saw the noticeable darkening of her eyes, the hint that the kiss had set the same fire in Beca that was always set in Chloe the moment her hands were on her. She felt Beca’s fingers twitching, dancing against her hips and her own fire grew, spreading through her limbs. For now though, she enjoyed the show of pretending she hadn’t noticed the change in Beca, the way that her sharp blue eyes were darting between her eyes and her lips. She sighed and began tracing a finger lightly up and down Beca’s throat, “I mean, it has to be strange for Nick.”

Beca’s lips parted slowly and Chloe knew she was only half listening, “What? Seeing his wife with another woman...some guys fantasize about that.” Beca frowned, shaking her head, “Nope. Or maybe pretend I said something - less - um -” Beca was blinking in an exaggeratedly slow kind of way, trying to clear her head, “I can’t concentrate.”

Chloe let out a laugh, “I don’t know if being left for her also counts in that fantasy, Bec.”

Beca’s mouth opened again but she paused, her lips pulling downward. Chloe could almost hear her wondering if that was really what Chloe had done.

“Your cheeks are red.” Chloe brushed a thumb against one.

“Yeah, well, your finger is doing things to my, ughm, to my head.” Beca blinked again, her pointer finger twisting through the air beside her temple.

“It is, huh?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

Chloe smirked as she leaned in and replaced her finger with her lips.

“Mmmmm,” Beca groaned.

If she wasn’t careful then she was going to lose track of this conversation. “It has to be weird for Jenny.”

Beca chuckled, “She looked like she couldn’t decide if she wanted to run or stake her claim today.”

“Well, I  _ am  _ very frightening,” Chloe purred.

Beca let out a loud snort that turned into a gasp when Chloe let her fingers trail over one of her breasts.

“Hey! I am too scary!” Chloe pushed her and then with a yelp Chloe was on her back, being kissed in a way that drove all of the weirdness from the day away, drove all thoughts away completely. She felt her body bow, pressing into Beca as she let out a small, nasal noise.

She loved this. God, she loved it. She could do this every day forever and be completely happy about it.

She linked her hands behind Beca’s neck and leaned up, pressing deeper into the kiss, reaching further into Beca’s mouth because she knew that while she, overall, was a light and playful kisser, Beca also liked it when, every now and then, Chloe wasn’t.

Beca moaned in response, meeting her in a way that only Beca could.

One of Chloe’s favorite things about Beca; she hadn’t been able to out kiss her yet.

Chloe  _ loved _ their kissing.

She sighed as Beca moved down her throat and over her collarbone, feeling her hips canter up to meet Beca as her lips closed on a clothed breast.

Beca settled at her belly, running her nose along the side. She felt a grin grow as she watched Beca’s nose trace her belly button. She didn’t know why, she didn’t even think that Beca knew why but somehow Beca just couldn’t get enough of the bump. She had told her once that she thought it was sexy and, thus far anyway, that seemed to still be true. “It’s so nice not to be fighting Emily for this right now.”

Chloe laughed. Emily liked to wrestle Beca for it as much as possible and since she was at the condo all of the time it had created some funny sister-like tussles - genuine hair pulling and headlocks included. Chloe secretly kind of loved it, she loved the attention, she loved the affection she felt, she loved playing referee. She loved that the victor would simply sigh and sprawl out on the bottom half of the couch, resting their face against her slowly growing belly as though it was the best pillow in the world. She loved the familial intimacy of it all.

She loved the familial intimacy in her new life period.

She stroked down Beca’s cheek as Beca’s hands covered the bump.

It wasn’t big yet, it was small enough that two hands could cup it and Beca seemed to love to do exactly that. With a content sigh, she covered Beca’s hands with her own and finally asked the thing that she had wanted to for hours, “We’re you okay today? I mean, I know we fought but it seemed like you weren’t, I don’t know, like maybe it was more than that.”

Beca shifted, her face dipping below the bump, kissing Chloe’s panty line and making her consider leaving this talk for another moment. “Yeah, totally,” Beca’s voice drifted up to her, “I was okay.”

Chloe frowned; she could feel that Beca wasn’t telling her the truth. She didn’t know why Beca bothered to lie; she always knew when it was happening. She opened her mouth to call her on it but she also could feel a new distance, as though just the act of asking had made Beca withdrawal a little more. The thing was, she knew Beca so well, she knew this behavior and knew that she needed to tread lightly else she would send Beca running. She didn’t really understand what it was that Beca felt the need to run  _ from _ . Perhaps it was simply Chloe’s old life in Henderson, but either way she pulled Beca back up, taking another kiss, feeling Beca return to her a bit as she swiped her tongue against Beca’s bottom lip.

Getting Beca to talk before she wanted to had always been hard. It was usually smarter to wait until she was ready but the problem was that Chloe wasn’t always that patient. Okay, she was rarely that patient. Because of that, she had found little ways of getting under that wall and getting Beca to talk to her; ways that had gotten a little easier since she was now allowed to press their lips together. Not that she had really needed the extra push, this was Beca, and while she was always a little resistant, Chloe had done the work years ago so more often than not, she could just get Beca to talk. “Is it being here around Nick?”

“What? No, I’m fine.” Beca said quickly and then caught her bottom lip, sucking it into her mouth, clearly trying to distract Chloe.

Her eyes rolled, feeling herself respond despite the fact that Chloe wanted very much to know what was happening in that head of Beca’s. She huffed, forcing herself to concentrate and held Beca still and at a safe distance, giving her the softest smile she had, “Okay, well, you know that you can talk to me, Bec, when you’re ready.”

Beca’s eyes flicked, her own smile answering, “Yeah, I know.”

“Okay, good. Kiss me again?”

Beca let out a contented sound, crashing back into her in a way that made her mind drift into the clouds. She was just beginning to pant, just slipping her hands under Beca’s shirt when Beca broke the kiss.

“Hold that thought, ‘kay?” Beca’s voice was a thick rasp that made Chloe whimper and clutch at her shirt, “I’mma uh, right, shit, breathing, if I give in to that then there will be no getting up again. Okay. Right. Um. I’m gonna go out for a smoke and then trust me, I  _ need _ a shower. That way we don’t have to get up again. Meet you back here in fifteen minutes?”

“Bec.” Chloe frowned, sitting up. She knew it wasn’t really her place; Beca was right when she said that she didn’t get to tell her what to do. And she was trying not to. She didn’t want to be that girl. But things had been weird lately - in life and in her body. Over the last week or so she had been feeling this weird pull, this weird want to situate her life, to clean up and to protect. The books called it ‘nesting’ and while that was all well and good and everything,  _ all she could think about _ every time that Beca went out for a cigarette was Beca in ten years, riddled with cancer, of Beca leaving this world far before her time. She caught her hand and gave her a hopeful little smile, “Do you have to?”

Beca shifted, guilt crossing her face as she looked between the pack of cigarettes she had tossed on the nightstand and Chloe.

“I promise that if you stay I will make it well worth your while.” Beca’s eyebrow rose in spite of herself. “I need a shower too.”

Beca’s eyebrows popped high, “I uh, heh.”

She loved when Beca got all twitchy and inarticulate like this. As incentive, Chloe reached to the hem of her own shirt and slowly pulled it off, eyeing her with promise.

“You uh, you really don’t want me to smoke, do you?”

Chloe’s face scrunched as she pulled her bra off as well, “I just want you around. Healthy.”

Beca wet her lips, her eyes taking in the newly exposed skin with the same expression of disbelief that crossed her face each time she saw Chloe this way, as though still confused that she was allowed.

Chloe loved this too, she loved the way that Beca looked at her, she loved the way she felt under Beca’s gaze.

She reached for the button of her jeans and undid it, slowly sliding the zipper down.

Beca groaned after a second more and Chloe reached over, pulling Beca back in, knowing that she had won a small part of this fight when Beca crawled over her, her eyes all at once hungry. “I so win.”

“Shut up.”


	5. Chapter 5

The vibe in the house felt different the next morning; lighter and much more pleasant. Perhaps it was because they hadn’t started the day at 4 A.M., perhaps it was because they weren’t fighting, perhaps it was the fact that Beca had a huge Starbucks cup in her hand - perhaps it was the two orgasms that Chloe had been sure to give her before they left the motel.

Chloe didn’t know, but it was nice. She had been a little worried that the feeling of  _ them _ would leave the moment they stepped into the Cavanaugh house but it hadn’t. Instead, Beca had come across Nick’s record player and stack of vinyls. She put the first one on, cranking up the volume despite their suburban surroundings and Chloe began to dance.

“What about this?” Beca held up a long, somewhat out of style dress, bouncing on her toes a little to the music.

“Donate,” Chloe sang over her shoulder, emptying another drawer of the dresser onto the bed and beginning to leaf through, her head bopping this way and that.

“And this.”

“Oh, keep!” Chloe moaned, “I  _ love _ that dress.”

Beca eyed the little number appreciatively, “I remember this dress.”

“You do, huh?” Chloe gave her a small gasp, her jaw dropping.

“Oh yeah.” Beca clicked her tongue.

“Why, Beca Mitchell! I have never!”

Beca just laughed and tossed the dress into the proper box, “You know, we’re not going to be able to fit all of this stuff in the car if you keep going like you are.”

“Sure we will!” Chloe teasingly shot her a wink.

“You’re going to need to get your own place just to fit it all! I don’t think I have room in the condo! I don’t think there is room in any condo! How can you have this much shit?”

Chloe rolled her eyes and threw a shirt at her. Beca didn’t see it coming so it smacked her cleanly in the face. Chloe began to giggle, yelping when it came flying back and hit her on the side of the head. “Watch it, lady.”

“What are you going to do about it?” Beca laughed, chucking another shirt at her.

“Hey!”

“What?” She threw another.

Chloe caught it, “Don’t make me come over there,” She cried, her chin jutting.

Beca just made a face.

“I told you last night, I should be feared.”

“Yeaaaah, I wasn’t so convinced by that.”

“Well, you should be.”

Beca scoffed, folding the shirt, “Yeah, okay, Chlo,” and then let out a happy yelp when, as Beca had been expecting, Chloe pounced on her like a cat, climbing up her body. Beca caught her, holding her up by the thighs as Chloe snarled, attacking her throat with her teeth. “Okay, okay,” she cried as Chloe knocked them onto the bed, tickling her, “you’re scary, you’re scary! You’re a terrifying monster. I give up! I give up!”

“You betta’ believe it.” Chloe chuckled, replacing her teeth with her lips and sucking until Beca moaned.

“When are they getting here?”

“I dunno, not until this evening, I think.”

“Then I vote,” Beca grinned, her hands closing on the hips over hers, “that we take a break.”

Chloe threw back her head and laughed, “But we’ve barely even started.”

“Fuck it, we’ll buy you new clothes.”

Chloe chuckled, feeling Beca’s thumbs pressing, trying to get her to move, her lips going slack like they did when she wanted to be kissed.

“You would have time to do some yoga. I know you didn’t get to this morning.” Beca’s eyebrows waggled.

Chloe scoffed, mockingly insulted, “Are you trying to bribe me with sex and yoga?”

“That depends. Is it working?”

“Little bit,” Chloe let out a soft sound in her throat as she let Beca move her hips against her thigh once, twice, three times before pushing herself back to her feet.

“That’s not nice.”

Chloe sent her a wink.

“Heeellloo?” A voice called over the sound of the music. “Rolling Stones, niiiice!”

Beca’s eyebrows shot up, “Well I guess it’s good that didn’t go any further.”

“We’re in here, Jenny!” Chloe called with a laugh, throwing another shirt at Beca as she groaned and pulled herself up.

The woman came around the corner with a few cups and a bag, “I brought tea and bagels. Beca, you seemed like a coffee drinker. I might have opened the lid in the car just to smell it. God, I miss coffee.”

“Errr, awesome. Thanks.” Beca took the cup sending Chloe a glance.

She knew that Beca was once again looking to her for how to treat the situation but Chloe still didn’t know. Of course Beca should be nice to Jenny. And Chloe loved to like people so she wanted to like Jenny, and Jenny was kind of...cool...but would it be more awkward for Jenny if they were friends or if they weren’t friends?

“Can I help?”

Chloe blinked a few times, surprised and only just managed to smile before it would have grown uncomfortable. Ugh, normally she was good at awkward situations, Chloe was always the one sent in when no one knew how to handle things, but this one...she didn’t know. It was catching her off guard. “Sure, thank you!”

There was no reason to let this be weird, right? None at all.

The three spent a while simply working, chatting lightly about things that weren’t really important; movies, TV, music, laughing about Nick. Every now and then Chloe would look up and see Beca and Jenny exchanging uncomfortable looks, just like here and there Chloe would look up and find herself looking into Beca’s slightly too large eyes.

But it was fine.

They were all fine.

It wasn’t so bad.

They could do this. Totes. They so had this.

An hour later things were just starting to get almost - comfortable when Beca’s phone rang, pulling her away from the room.

Chloe watched Beca go, momentarily concerned.

Honestly, it was amazing, but nothing had been  _ wrong _ when it came to Beca’s work life as of late. When she had first arrived for the Bellas’ reunion in June Beca had looked like she was about to drop under the weight of her career; she had been gaunt, she had been drinking far too much and on occasion indulging in things a little more serious. Even when Chloe came back and stayed in August, Beca had been stressed; unsure of where she stood, unsure of her clients, desperately trying to find her place within the label and within who she wanted to be as a producer. Every phone call like this one had sent a bolt of tension through Chloe.

Then Beca had gained a few clients, lost a few clients and was offered the keys to Grasshopper and suddenly,  _ boom _ , everything had been smooth sailing. Gone were the phone calls demanding that Beca pick up her life and go to a club that night, gone were people hinting that Beca was only good enough to be a tour guide. Slowly, but surely Beca was on her way to realizing her full potential and Chloe was so proud of her. It was amazing to watch. She couldn’t wait to see what Beca and her life would look like a year down the road - two or even three. She was willing to bet that she would be seeing Beca on TV, accepting a Grammy or maybe on Hollywood Squares.

It was an amazing change. As of now, the only stressful phone calls Beca received were when something got messed up on its way over to the newly forming studio.

“Is she okay?” Jenny asked, watching Beca’s quickly retreating back, seeing Beca’s hands waving as she spoke; an unlit cigarette between her lips already. “Nick said she has kind of a high-stress job?”

Chloe studied the way Beca was holding her shoulders as she walked and decided, “Yeah, she’s alright. She does, kind of, I guess. She’s setting up a recording label right now so things are a little bit crazy for her.”

“A  _ recording label _ ? Wow.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool.” Chloe emptied another drawer, a slightly smug and far too proud smile on her lips. She sent Jenny a side glance, watching her politely fold the things that Chloe had already put in the keep pile. She could tell the woman wanted to talk about the elephant in the room, she could feel her struggling so she decided to just bring it up for her, “Well. Soon this will all be emptied out for you. Are you excited?”

Jenny’s head snapped up, her eyes wide behind her glasses. “God, this is weird.” But Chloe just gave her the best, sweetest smile that she could, hoping it would help. Jenny studied it for a moment and then her shoulders relaxed a little, “We talked about moving, you know. I couldn’t decide if it was better to move and start somewhere new out of respect for you or if-”

“Oh no, please don’t feel like you need to. It’s weird, yeah, totes, but,” she frowned, “here or somewhere else, what’s the diff? I don’t live here anymore.” That floating, untethered sensation wrapped around her again and she frowned. “I think it’s weird for all of us. And maybe, I don’t know, maybe weird is okay right now?”

Jenny let out a laugh, “Yeah, maybe.”

They fell into silence for a few minutes.

“Hey, Chloe?”

“What’s up?”

“I’m really sorry.”

Chloe turned back to her, surprised that she wasn’t sure what to say. She watched Jenny study the buttons on the shirt in her hand.

“I’m really sorry about the cheating. That was,” Jenny shook her head, blinking a little too fast to come off as normal, “bad of us. I remember that and I still can’t freaking believe I did it, I can’t believe that was me.” She let out a dry laugh, “I uh - you never think you will allow yourself to become ‘the other woman’, you know, and then you meet this guy and you fall in love and-”

Chloe watched her jaw work, her cheeks pale and though she had just felt an inexplicable surge of anger, she sat beside her and covered her hand with her own; hating to see another person struggle like this. She wasn’t angry. Not really. She didn’t know what that had just been. “Honestly, I wasn’t sure what to think at first. I’m still not sure, I guess. I was upset, yeah. You have to understand, well, I guess you do since you were there; we weren’t talking about it, about the problem.” Jenny gave a small little nod, “So when I found out about your baby I was a little upset, I guess. I had been at home, playing the game, trying to make it work with us - but at that point I had already cheated on him, I was already pretty sure I was a lesbian. And I was just,” she cleared her throat, “stalling. So,” she gave Jenny’s hand a quick rub, “thank you; I really appreciate you saying so. Yes, there are moments where it bothered me but our situation was kind of special, right? I cheated on Nick too - with a woman - I mean, I didn’t sleep with her but still, I wasn’t committed to him - or maybe I was too committed to him. Either way, I’m a lesbian. Now if  _ Beca _ cheated on me,” Chloe gave a little laugh and then frowned, her stomach twisting when she realized what she had said, “or - err - anyone else, I mean. Anyway, I’m not condoning cheating and I’m not saying that what you and Nick did for a year while I was at home waiting for him was okay - I’m also not saying that me kissing that woman was okay, nor was the fact that I just disappeared once I knew. But maybe things are a little different for us.”

Jenny laughed, “This really is so complicated, isn’t it? Springer worthy.”

“It is!” Chloe nodded, surprised when Jenny sniffed.

“I guess I just want to make sure that everything is okay between us - or - as okay as it can be. This is already hard enough.”

“What do you mean?”

Jenny’s lips pinched tight, running her hand nervously over one of the tattoos on her forearm, “I mean, I’m the new one, right? You have known Beca since you were in college, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And you met Nick right after college. You guys, the three of you, all already have an established dynamic. Good or bad. And me - I’m just the awkward new girl. And -”

“You’re worried about starting your relationship to all of us in a negative way.”

Jenny’s shoulders rose and fell, “Guess so. Is that stupid?”

“Not at all.”

She and Chloe exchanged a long look before Jenny finally said, “I like Beca.”

Chloe grinned, feeling a moment of butterflies, “I do too.”

“Nick said that things between you are really new. That’s crazy. I would never have guessed that.”

“Really? Why?”

Jenny smiled and in that moment Chloe thought she was beautiful, “She looks at you like you’re the sun and the moon.”

Chloe flushed, “You know that Nick looks at you like that too.”

Now Jenny blushed, “I don’t know if you know this, he said once that he thought you didn’t, but Nick actually likes her too.”

“Beca? Really?”

“Yeah. He was telling me the other night about the time that you guys got drunk and went boating.”

Chloe laughed; that had been a mess but a wonderful mess.

Silence fell as Chloe thought, “Jenny, I don’t know what we’re going to do, but we are going to make it work. Trust me. We’re in each other's lives now and while that's - weird - totally weird,” she laughed, shaking her head for emphasis, “It’s also awesome.”

Jenny gave a slightly wet chuckle, “Nick said you’re a total optimist.”

“I try, I guess.”

There was a small knock on the doorframe and Chloe looked up to see Beca looking at her hesitantly, worry on her face. ‘ _ She looks at you like you’re the sun and the moon _ .’ “Hey, baby.”

“Everything okay?”

“Totes.” Chloe flashed her a grin and Beca automatically returned it. “Everything okay with you?” She had seen Beca’s demeanor as she left but perhaps she had a bit of PTSD after the last few months because her mind still drifted back to that hospital, the one she had visited when Beca had been in her car accident and Hunny had ODed. The hospital she hoped to never visit again. Not even for the birth of this little girl.

“Uh yeah, yeah, I’m good,” Beca ran her hands through her hair, “I uh, they sent the wrong conditioners to Grasshopper and Jodie didn’t seem to know how to handle it. She even signed for them because apparently, she can’t tell one type of conditioner from another.”

“Beca, you really need a different assistant, one who can-”

“Assist?”

“Yeah, exactly.”

Beca laughed, puffing out a large sigh, “Yeah, I know, I just kind of feel like Sammy whenever I think about firing her.”

“It’s not Sammy-like to need someone to help you, especially now.”

Beca shrugged, “So what are you two talking about?”

Chloe smiled at Jenny, “The strangeness.”

Beca scoffed out a laugh.

 

The three of them worked until late afternoon, getting a surprising amount of Chloe’s belongings packed and ready to go. Jenny left then and Beca and Chloe spent some time on the couch, dozing and teasing. Nick came home a bit later and the four went out for dinner. Everything was going smoothly, everything was easy. They joked over their plates, coming up with baby names and laughing about just how much stuff Chloe actually had to pack up.

It was nice! It was exactly what Chloe had hoped for from the weekend.

It wasn’t until they were all settling back on the couches that the harder topic finally came back up.

Nick had just popped a beer for himself and much to Beca’s obvious surprise, poured a whiskey neat for her. She gave him a wary smile as he sat beside her on the floor and left the couch for the pregnant ladies.

She watched Beca blink at Nick, confused as he leaned over and clinked his beer bottle against her glass. “Uuuh sure, Nickie, not weird at all,” Beca muttered as she took a sip.

“So.” Nick started.

Chloe heard him and she knew exactly what this was going to be. Worry immediately flooded through her like a cold breeze, the laughter that had been inside of her all afternoon drifting away. “Yeah,” she cleared her throat, sitting up a little straighter, “I guess this is probably the best time since we’re leaving tomorrow,” she mumbled as she worried her lip.

Beca looked between them, her eyebrows tight and for just a moment Chloe wondered if this topic would recreate the fight between them as well.

She really hoped not. She really didn’t want to fight - with anybody and her day with Beca had been nice despite their weird surroundings and situation.

“I just don’t get how this can be argued, Chloe.” Nick’s voice was kinder than it had been last time but it still sent a pang of nerves through her.

Stressed, she began to wring her hands in her lap, “I don’t see how it can’t be and I don’t see how you could really want me to be here if you knew it was making me unhappy. Wasn’t that part of our problem before? How can I live here, Nick?”

“I refuse not to know my daughter, Chloe. I’m not that kind of guy. Do you really think that I’m that kind of guy?”

“No, I know you’re not.” Chloe winced; his eyes were kind and his voice was soft but - she felt so bad. “I want you to know her, of course I do, but there is  _ nothing _ for me here, Nick.”

“Besides Beca what is there for you in L.A.?”

She watched Beca’s blank face look away, out of the window, “Nick, please don’t start that again. Don’t make this be that way.”

“No,” Nick put down his beer so he could hold his hands out in surrender, “I’m sorry, Beca, look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way but what I mean is,” he groaned, scratching his stubble, “I know that you two are really close, Chloe, I know that leaving her behind almost killed you before.” Beca’s owlish eyes shifted from the window to Nick, Chloe and then back out inconspicuously, sipping from her glass again. Chloe frowned, feeling the space between them grow, feeling something strange, something distant as Beca began to close in on herself. “You’re family, I get it. I’m not trying to be a dick, but here’s the thing, this is about me having the chance to know my daughter. Like you said before, Henderson is only a five-hour drive and that means you guys can still be in one another’s lives, right?”

“Nick,” Chloe shifted, staring down at her hands and wishing she felt less guilty - less selfish when she said, “I don’t want to live in Henderson. I,” she remembered her time in the town all at once, shopping in the grocery stores surrounded by her neighbors and the wives of Nick’s friends. She remembered the people she had met, none of which she had even bothered to call since she left, she remembered living there as a Cavanaugh - how that had meant there was always someone watching her, how it had meant his mother was always breathing down her neck. “I hated it here.”

“What I mean is, okay, you don’t want to be in Henderson but what about North Vegas or something?”

“What would I have there?”

“I don’t know, Chlo, but I can’t drive five hours each direction every weekend just to see my daughter, especially when I’ll have one here already.”

Chloe watched an unforgiving look pass through Beca’s face, marring the blank stare for just a second and she knew what she was thinking. She sighed. “Nick. I just - I don’t know, I don’t know how to solve this. There has to be a way to solve this.” The problem was, she wanted to be  _ in L.A. _ , not Henderson, not North Vegas.

Beca was silent as they went back and forth and while Chloe was glad she hadn’t jumped back on the I-don’t-want-you-to-move-at-all train, Chloe had a feeling her silence was a very bad thing. Silence usually meant that Beca was internalizing and when she was ‘internalizing’ it was rarely the good things in the room that she was taking in - like Chloe being open about not wanting to leave her behind. She wished that she could force some emotion back into her face. She wished she could reach out and pull her close to her. She could feel Beca was upset and she knew it was because of Nick and his general attitude. She wished he would stop pretending like Beca was nothing in their lives.

She had never been nothing.

She dipped her neck, trying to catch Beca’s eye. It was a struggle but when she did she must have communicated the right thing because though Beca only stared blankly back at first, after a second she rose and came to her, sitting with her back pressed against Chloe’s legs. Chloe leaned down, wrapping her arms around Beca’s neck and hiding for a second, sinking into her as she took a few deep breaths.

Beca was real.

And she  _ couldn’t _ . That was the problem; that was the thing that Nick didn’t seem to get - amongst other things; Chloe  _ couldn’t  _ move away from Beca, not again. She saw Beca give her half a glance over her shoulder and though they weren’t trying to communicate anything, their eyes got stuck, darker blue flicking in baby blue. She could see the worry behind Beca’s eyes and she wanted to reach forward and tell her that she didn’t need to but somehow with Nick and Jenny’ watching them she felt herself clam up; not wanting to share something quite so intimate in front of them. Living ten minutes away from her was one thing, but five hours, that was something else. It had taken her so long to find Beca, to really find her; she wasn’t going to let her go. “What’s the right thing to do, Bec?” She whispered. “How can we make this work?”

Beca’s dark eyes lightened for a second in sympathy and she just shook her head.

“I just don’t fucking get it.” Nick finally groaned, loud enough to make all of the women in the room jump, “Are you together or not, Chlo?”

She scowled, “No. But-”

Beca blinked slowly and then her eyes slid back to the large window, glazing over.

Chloe frowned. Beca’s radiant face under her own flashed through Chloe’s mind, her whisper of ‘I love you’. That was always what came to mind these days when Beca was upset but that, Chloe swallowed hard and looked the opposite direction that Beca was staring, that was a different topic for a different day. It wasn’t one for this moment, sitting in the house of her crumbled marriage.

She and Nick went back and forth for a while but the talk just felt useless. He just didn’t seem to understand and the more he couldn’t understand the more Chloe wondered if she was doing the wrong thing by insisting she didn’t want to move back.

He was right, she was being selfish. How could she keep this baby away from her father? She couldn’t. She didn’t want to. But how could she move back to a town that had no job opportunities for her, no opportunities for her to have her own life? She didn’t want to leave Beca but this was also about more than Beca.

She just - she kept thinking of those days - the days when she was in the dark and those thoughts made her want to panic.

 

The longer they spoke, the longer they didn’t understand one another the angrier Nick got until, yet again, the talk was brinking on a fight.

“You don’t get to just do this, Chloe!”

“I’m not saying that we’re not going to have to figure something out but please stop trying to make me live here just so you can have what you want. There has to be a way-”

“There isn’t always a cheery hearts and roses answer to things, Chloe, sometimes things just aren’t like that. Sometimes shit just sucks!”

She could see Beca wanting to run from this, wanting to retreat, her whole body was stiff and tight so of course, it was Beca who was up first when someone rang the doorbell. “It’s alright, I’m already up.” She mumbled over her shoulder when Nick stood as well. She threw open the door and Chloe watched every drop of blood fall from her face instantly.

Oh god.

She knew.

Without even having to see who was at the door, she knew.

And she wasn’t ready.

They were in the middle of a fight. They hadn’t figured anything out. This was going to be bad.

“Well good evening. It’s Beca, right?” Marcy stepped around Beca without bothering to wait for a reply.

It was like watching every reason Chloe had hated her time in Henderson, all in corporeal form. Marcy’s perfectly sculpted hair, her perfectly tailored pants suit, her matching handbag, and heels; everything about her filled Chloe with dread.

The room gave a perceptible shift. It wasn’t as though it had been easy before but now the room took a dip, each person shuffling into their own nervous reaction; Nick’s back straightened and Jenny’s eyes shot to the ground, her face going pale.

“Yeah, we’ve met like four times before but it’s cool.” Beca’s wide eyes shot to Chloe, mouthing behind her back ‘did you know she was coming?’ Chloe knew her own huge eyes were probably enough of an answer.

Oh god, Marcy, she hadn’t even considered seeing her. Had Nick called her? She looked at Nick’s face and it was  _ clear _ he hadn’t. Damn it, they had come so close to making it out without this being a problem, without having to do this.

“You’re the last person I would have expected to see here tonight,” Marcy said to Beca who clicked on a large and very fake smile. It was the same smile that Beca had always used at Bellas’ events; it was the same smile that she had used when the Bellas alumnae had asked them to attend funding parties and benefits. It was all sparkle and smug confidence and was as fake as the facelift that Marcy swore she never had.

“Uuuh, it’s good to see you, Marcy.” Beca was a convincing liar and looking at her now, you would almost think that Beca  _ was _ pleased to see her, “How have you been?”

“Fine, fine, sweetheart.” Marcy stopped, surveying the room, the averted eyes that somehow Marcy in all of her fake sweetness never missed. “My, my,  _ look who it is! _ I wasn’t sure if we were going to see you again. How  _ are _ you, sweetheart?” Marcy stepped forward and gave her a dry peck on the cheek, just like always.

Chloe set a polite smile on her face, amazed by how much that peck burned, “Yes, it’s very good to see you, Marcy. You look well!”

“What are you talking about, Ma?” Nick laughed, “I told you she was taking care of a sick friend. Of course we would see her again, she  _ lives _ here. What are you talkin’ about?”

Chloe had opened her mouth to speak but now it locked shut with an audible snap, nearly taking off the tip of her tongue. Out of habit, like an overly coiled Jack In The Box, the too wide, too toothy smile popped onto her face; the same smile she forced on whenever Aubrey yelled at her in front of the Bellas, whenever her father gave her a sad and disappointed ‘tut’, whenever her mother accused her of being ‘dramatic’.

_ What? _

She glanced around, seeing that Beca’s professional smile had been knocked sideways, falling off of one corner, her eyes glazed; at Jenny, who had retreated a few steps, pushing her outside of the group, making her stand alone beside the couch, her eyes everywhere but the woman who had just popped their already tense bubble.

It was funny because Jenny didn’t exactly radiate shy or wallflower. She had this cool, hip thing going on, but now, she could have melted into the wallpaper and no one would have known otherwise.

“I see.” Marcy gave a smile and a warm nod, “And I assume this must be the sick friend?”

Beca again sent her a quick glance, probably wondering, just as Chloe was, why there had been such an emphasis on the word ‘friend’.

Marcy had no reason to - they had never - why would she -

“I suppose I should have assumed.” Marcy finished, glancing around. Chloe couldn’t help but to notice that Marcy’s eyes skated over Jenny completely.

From under his arm, Chloe looked up at Nick, dumbfounded. She felt like the rug had been pulled out from under her. No, she hadn’t exactly been planning on seeing Marcy at all, but if she had, she didn’t think it would be like this. Did this mean that he still hadn’t told her? How could he not have told her by now? Jenny was moving in! Within days Jenny would be living there! How was he supposed to get away with that? She cleared her throat and because she didn’t really know what else to do she let her plastic smile grow as she wrapped her arm around his back; the picture of a happy marriage. “Yup, Bec, err, Beca’s all better.”

Beca’s cool demeanor was back in place again, except for her eyes and her head. Her arms were crossed over her chest, and she had that professional smile on again but, head slightly to the side, Beca’s chaotic eyes careened between Marcy, Chloe, Nick, and Jenny. Beca wasn’t used to this, she had never been. Her family had always been their own type of dysfunctional, but they were the type where it was open and everyone knew about it, it was discussed, bitched about. When Beca’s father had walked out on them, there had been no hiding it. Beca had no idea what to do with the type of family where everything complicated or ugly was hidden under a blanket like Chloe and Nick had come from. Chloe hadn’t graduated Barden again? ‘Cough when someone asks about it and then change the topic to the weather’. Nick and Chloe still weren’t pregnant? Laugh politely and insist, ‘you know how nature can be, but tell me, how is that yacht of yours?’

It had been part of the reason why Chloe never fit in with the Beale’s. She had rebelled against that in her own family, needing, insisting on talking about her feelings and thoughts. Her mother had grown used to it but Marcy, she never had. She never would.

She glanced again at Jenny and saw that the woman’s cheeks were red, her face set and she was glaring at Nick - who was pointedly not looking at her. It suddenly felt like they, as a group, had stepped into a messy pile of -

“So,” Marcy’s smile turned on Beca, “What was wrong with you, Beca? Nothing serious I hope, sweetheart. Fever? Cough?”

She was looking for a hole in their story. Chloe had seen this before. Marcy could be a bloodhound. Oh god, what had Nick told her? Shouldn’t he have at least let them in on the story?

“Errr-” Beca just stared back for a beat or two, the wheels behind her eyes turning. “Err, no, I’m good. I’m good now, nothing for you to worry about. Just, you know, one of those things.”

“Hey Ma, look, I haven’t told you yet,” Nick spoke up quickly, turning on his boyish grin and palming Chloe’s belly, drawing Marcy’s attentions away from Beca.

“Oh my! Oh, that’s wonderful! I’m so glad! Finally! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Eeer, we just wanted to be sure,” she said, a bit too weakly. She was trying to shove it down, but it wouldn't go. It was like it had been when she came back from this last Bellas reunion. She just - she couldn’t shove herself back into the Cavanaugh box anymore. She couldn’t believe this. She was smiling but the fury was bubbling in her stomach.

Marcy gave Chloe’s cheek another dry peck, glaring at her son and began to rub circles into her stomach with her twig-like fingers, “Let’s just hope this one sticks.”

Chloe’s mouth popped open like a fish and she glanced at Nick who was now pointedly looking at the wall and avoiding the eyes of everyone in the room. Yeah. He had better be embarrassed. This was - just - oh! Beyond! - Oh!

“Yeah,” he finally said to the light fixture, “A little girl.”

“Oh, a girl! How marvelous. You know, it’s tradition in our family to name the first child after their grandparents.”

“So - Winifred? Right?”

Nick’s face flushed harder.

She actually kind of thought that Wendy was a pretty name but she would really rather not.

Chloe wished she would let go of her, she wished both would let go of her. She felt trapped suddenly, like she couldn’t breathe. She didn’t like the way that Marcy’s perfectly manicured nails looked across her shirt, she didn’t like how heavy Nick’s arm was around her.

“So tell me, Chloe, how is Aubrey?”

Chloe knew she was asking to make a point, to highlight her general dislike of Beca. Aubrey, on the other hand; the two had met just as Chloe and Nick were beginning to plan their wedding and they had hit it off. Aubrey still thought that Marcy was a bit of a bitch, but they seemed to understand one another. WASPs tended to speak the same language.

“Um, she’s,”

“So, Ma,” Nick cut her off, his eyebrows pulled together too tightly, “what are you doing here?”

“Well, how was I supposed to know you had someone to cook for you again? You didn’t tell me! So I brought you this.” She pulled a Tupperware bowl from her bag.

Chloe didn’t even have to smell it before a wave of nausea sucked all moisture from her mouth.

No. She had taken her pill this morning. She wasn’t allowed to get sick from the mere thought of the food.

It was just that - it was disgusting.

It was so disgusting that Chloe had lied all through the first weeks of her second pregnancy, insisting that the smell of the dish was setting off her morning sickness. She had done it just so she didn’t have to eat any more of it, so it wouldn't be in the house.

“Maaaaa, I can cook for myself, I keep telling you!”

“Oh I know, sweetie.” She patted his cheek dismissively and he rolled his eyes. “It’s some of my famous casserole.”

Chloe swallowed thickly, the mere thought of the  _ cups _ of tuna and Velveeta cheese - ugh. She pressed her lips together, trying to smooth her face as best she could. She had always hated that dish but somehow Nick couldn’t get enough of it. Still she smiled, “Mmmmm.”

“If you have already eaten then I’ll just leave it in the kitchen. It will save Chloe from having to make dinner tomorrow night.”

A spasm of panic rocked through Chloe’s chest. Marcy couldn’t go into the kitchen! The kitchen was half packed away in boxes and she would have to go through the dining room which was filled with boxes of _ Jenny’s _ belongings. She glanced at Beca who jumped forward, reading her thoughts yet again.

“I uh, err, I’ll take that, Mrs. Cavanaugh.” Beca clicked on her most winning smile, “I remember this from the rehearsal dinner. I might have to grab a spoon.” She gave her a wink, making Chloe choke back a laugh but it had clearly worked because the bowl was in Beca’s hands and Marcy gave a small preen of satisfaction.

“Knock, knock.” The door was being pushed open again.

“Trent!” Chloe cried, surprised but at least this time she was honestly pleased.

“Chloe-Bear! I didn’t know you were home!”

Chloe liked Trent. He was charming and held all of Nick’s best traits - and a few that she didn’t like quite as much. She never understood how he and Marcy were married in truth, he was so kind, so sweet. Then again, he seemed to have a general rule with himself to simply let Marcy do whatever she wanted to do. He also, as a rule, wasn’t around much. And Nick’s affinity for girlfriends had definitely come from him. So...

She came out from under Nick’s arm and let Trent wrap her in a hug, lifting her off the ground, “My god, look at you!” He cupped her belly and gave her a kiss on the cheek, neither of which felt like the claw of a vulture as Marcy’s touch had. Trent was not perfect, but she loved him. “I must have missed the memo!”

“A little girl.”

“Awe, that’s great! She’s going to be beautiful.” He gave her a genuine chip on the chin and a smile, his kind green eyes sparkling. “Marce, you hear this? I’m a granddaddy!”

Chloe grinned.

“Yes, Trent, congratulations. Alright, Trent, alright, we can leave.” Marcy frowned around the room. Just as Trent kind of thought that Marcy was an extreme bitch, Marcy thought that Trent’s sweeter ways made him soft. Which was ironic since, one night after a few glasses of wine, Chloe had convinced Marcy to tell her all about the days when Trent had ‘wooed’ her with flowers and serenades. She had liked his sweetness once.

She watched Marcy brush a bit of nothing from her sleeve and wondered - how did that happen? How did something you love about a person become something that you hated? For a second a cramp, so strong it made her head spin, grabbed her from the inside. How did you become a couple like Trent and Marcy? Or her parents?

Trent was frowning at his wife, obviously disappointed, “We haven’t seen one another in so long, let’s stay and have a dr-”

Before Chloe could panic at the thought of Marcy sitting down - with all of them, Jenny and Beca too - the woman cut her husband off.

“Not tonight, Trent. I have a headache.”

He sighed, covertly rolling his eyes, “Alright, alright, we’ll leave these kids alone. It was good to see you, Chloe.” He turned and his grin grew, “ _ Beca! _ I didn’t see you there! What are you doing hiding over there? Come here, girl!”

Chloe watched Beca’s grin genuinely unfold. Much like Aubrey had taken to Marcy, Beca had taken to Trent...and unlike Marcy, Beca really liked Trent too, or at least she had since the night that they had shared a decanter of single malt scotch during the engagement party. Chloe had walked in on them in Trent’s study, Beca three sheets to the wind and puffing on a cigar; something she hadn’t seen Beca do before or since; both had been laughing, slumped a little too low in their armchairs.

They shook hands with gusto, “I hear you’ve been under the weather, I’m glad to see that you’re alright.”

“Yeah, you know.” Beca gave her charming signature half shrug. “I’ll make it.”

Marcy sighed, “Come on, Trent.”

“Okay, it was good to see you, kids.” Trent gave Beca a little chin scruff and a wink before reaching around and cupping Chloe’s cheek, letting his thumb run over it with affection.

It made Chloe beam. Her father loved her, she knew that, but Trent, well, he had always made her feel like she could have a father in him if she wanted one...when he was around. She was sad to be losing that. “Come by the house soon and we’ll have lunch, okay? Leave this slob behind but bring that one.” He grinned, clasping his son’s shoulder with affection.

Chloe nodded, her throat working. She wasn’t going to cry. She wasn’t. She wasn’t. What if she just told them? It would be terrible right now but then it would be out in the open. Everyone would know. She didn't want to lie to Trent! He was so nice to her!

The words swirled in her mouth, readying to be expelled, building but then Marcy spoke.

“Yes Chloe,” Marcy stopped, “now that you’re home why don’t we catch up? I would love to discuss Christmas plans with you. I was thinking that this year we would have the annual gift exchange here, especially with a baby on the way. I’m sure the family won’t mind coming here instead of to our home. They might even think it’s kind of – _ cute _ . Quaint.”

“Oh.” Chloe blinked fast.

“Say, this Tuesday?”

Panic gripped her chest. What was she supposed to say? She couldn’t say yes, she was going home tomorrow.

She was going  _ home! _

“She’s got a doctor’s appointment Tuesday, Mom.”

“Okay. Wednesday then.”

Again Chloe didn’t know what to say. Marcy’s eyes squinted, looking at her like she might be ill. “I will never understand you, Chloe; you always behave so strangely when Beca is with you. Well. I’ll see you on Wednesday.”

Chloe’s mouth was hanging open.

What did she  _ say _ to that? She hated this ability Marcy had to throw her off her game. She wondered what Marcy would do if she just started yelling at her again.

She probably wouldn’t be expecting her for lunch on Wednesday.

And it would feel great.

The whole group silently watched Marcy and Trent leave, discolored smiles glued onto their faces.

“Yeah, Chloe, can you stop acting weird around me, please?” Beca muttered dryly when the door was safely closed. Chloe glanced back, dizzy. She had a strange urge to run over to Beca and make out with her - just a little bit - just to prove that the last few months had happened - that she was still free of all of this.

Then she realized she was under Nick’s arm and she shoved away, hard.

“Chloe.” He moaned, knowing they were already mid fight, as you could only instantly be after a few years of marriage. Don’t pass ‘Go’, don’t collect $200, just - jump in and fight.

“Don’t  _ ‘Chloe’ _ me, Nick Cavanaugh!” Out of the corner of her eye Chloe saw Jenny sink back to the couch, her face ashen and dejected. Chloe held her hand out behind her and it was only a second before Beca was slipping hers into it, familiar with the silent request. “It’s been weeks!  _ Weeks _ , Nick! Why haven’t you told them! I can't believe you haven't told them! How could you have not told them at this point?” Was she shouting? She felt like she was shouting.

Oh.

Because she was shouting.

“I’ve been meaning to!” He sat back down on the floor with a thump. “I have! But you’ve met her! She’s - she’s -”

“So she doesn’t know  _ anything? _ ”

“No.”

“Nick! Oh, my- that’s - just - are you - oh!” She cried, seriously considering kicking him. Beca must have sensed it because she pulled her a few feet back, her arm going around Chloe’s waist. “What am I supposed to say when I’m back in L.A. by Wednesday? I’m going back, Nick! I’m not going to stay just so you can have an easier out! I’m going home!”

He scowled, fury in his face.

“And Christmas plans? Really? Really, Nick?”

“Nooo!” He groaned, “I’ll fucking cancel with her! Don’t worry about it, Chloe!”

“Great. You do that. While you’re telling her all about your soon to be ex-wife and your pregnant girlfriend!”

“Chlooooooe!”

“No, Nick! You have to. You just do! What about Jenny? How fair is this to her?”

There was a little scoff behind her from Jenny who was shaking her head in annoyance.

“Oh, so this isn’t a new fight then?” Beca asked her.

“Beca!” Nick growled as Jenny shook her head, pissed.

“Um,  _ I’m sorry! _ ” Beca shrugged, looking dramatically confused as she stepped around Chloe, “But did I not just save your ass with your mom? Because as far as I can tell if she had stepped into that kitchen then your whole freaking thing,” she fluttered her hand around him to make her point, “would be blown! All I had to do was say ‘what are you talking about’ when you said that I had been sick and you would have been  _ fucked _ , dude! Totally freaking fucked!”

Nick’s hands pressed into his temples and Chloe’s anger just grew.

“So when, Nick? Jenny is moving in a few days from now.”

“Yeah Nick, I think we  _ all _ would love to know the timeline here,” Jenny added. “Or at least how I should behave. Like, should I hide and not answer when Marcy comes over? Or, oh, maybe I should just dye my hair red.”

“I don’t think she would notice a difference!” Beca barked back.

Nick’s face was starting to go pale as all the women ganged up on him. “Soon! Tomorrow! The day after! I don’t know! Soon!”

“You’ve been saying that for over a month, Nick!” Jenny cried.

“Nick!” Chloe scolded. She remembered this, this feeling of not mattering in the face of his mother, this feeling of wishing that she could matter enough for him to stand up for her.

“Hey, it’s easier said than done, alright!” He snapped, “Jenn, listen, I promise. Soon, okay? Soon.” Chloe scoffed. “It’s not easy, okay, Chloe? _ I’m fucking working on it! _ ”

She gasped at his sharp tone, her anger boiling over, “Are you - fucking - you have to be - OH!” Chloe glared at him, grabbing her purse and smacking him with it once. She heard a small cackle from Beca and then she turned, marching toward the door, letting Beca’s hand go so she could gather her own things. “I  _ do not _ miss this!” She cried with a snap as she stormed out of the door.

She needed to get out of there.

Oh, that asshole!

She felt like a fireball of fury the entire way back to the hotel, ranting. She couldn’t believe him. She absolutely couldn’t believe him. She had assumed - oh, god, she was so pleased that this was all over for her. That asshole!

She marched into their room, the anger still coursing through her veins. Jenny had looked so hurt and yet, she hadn’t seemed surprised at all. Of course she wasn’t! That had been her not too long ago, that had been her when it came to Nick and his mother. Thank god Beca wasn’t close with her family!

She didn’t realize she was pacing until Beca sat on the end of the bed, her face sullen as she watched her go back and forth. “What’s wrong?”

Beca jumped a little, “Nothing.”

“Ugh, when is he going to grow up? When? He can’t always behave this way with his mother!”

“I think he can, Chlo. A lot of guys do, right?”

Again she flashed a glance at her, feeling her upset, “ _ Seriously _ , Bec, what’s wrong?” In her anger her words came out a little harshly; she winced, deflating, “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. You just, you have the same vibe you had last night.”

“Nothing’s wrong, Chloe!” Beca snapped, standing and grabbing her pack of cigarettes.

Chloe groaned, “Bec!  _ Coooomeee oooooon _ ! Please?”

Beca sighed giving her a blasé shrug. She could feel Beca far away from her, hidden behind a lock and key. “I just hate Henderson.”

Chloe stopped pacing, watching Beca’s face.

She was  _ lying! _ Something was bothering her and yet she was lying. Why the hell was she lying?

You know what? Fine. If she wanted to be that way then she could. Fine!

“Well, we’ll finish packing up tomorrow and we’ll be gone.” Her teeth ground together as she grabbed her pajamas off the bed.

She needed a few minutes alone.

UGH! She just - UGH!

She closed the bathroom door behind her, hard, hearing Beca moaning, calling an apology but in this moment she was too angry, too stressed.

She stepped into the water despite it being too hot and let out an angry cry.

God damn it, Nick!

She was thankful that Beca was on her side for all of this, for the most part, she really was, but what was going on with her? Was it really that she just hated Henderson?

No. It wasn’t.

She had felt that things were weird; she had known it for a week or more now. Right? She wasn’t completely sure. But whatever it was, Henderson only seemed to be bringing it out.

She felt Beca under her again, heard her whispered confession and her chest closed, clamping down on her.

_ Oh god. _

She pressed her face against the cool tile of the shower and tried, for the life of her, to get a deep breath.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Just a quick reminder that I changed canon dates and birthplaces. Mainly because ILY,AN was my first fic and I didn't know at the time! Either way in this universe Worlds happened in 2012. It currently November 2016 in the story. Chloe is 30. Born in Ithaca, NY.

“Oooookay, here you go, miss. You can now teach in the state of California. Congratulations.” The woman behind the desk gave her a vacant smile and handed her the thick stack of paperwork.

“Thank you!” Chloe gave her a smile in return, a little daunted by the amount of it, and stepped from the window with her blood racing.

Ooooh my god, it was done! This was great! And it had been so easy! She had always heard that transferring credentials from state to state was almost impossible, that it would be better to simply go back to school and recertify yourself, but she had only come in a few hours before and that was that.

Easy as pie.

She grinned and gave the room a satisfied nod.

She could teach! That both terrified and excited her. It was amazing and...scary...and awesome...and oh god, she could teach! She was going to have to teach now!

She took a shaky breath and swallowed a giggle. She had no idea  _ how _ she would find a job, not this late in the year. Okay, not so much...at all. But! Thank god, there was an employment office on the ground floor because she was so behind. The school year had started back in September. Of course, yes, she hadn’t even come back to L.A. until the end of August - and had only decided to officially move there a few weeks ago - if that was what she had done - but still, perhaps she could have –  _ should _ have - done this so much sooner and found a job when everyone else was looking. It was  _ November _ now. How was she going to find anything? At best she might be able to find a position for the next school year, but as for this one… it had already started.

Oh god, she sucked in a fast breath as she pressed the down button calling for the elevator. She could feel that panic rising, wiping out her glee and this was soooo not the time for it. She had things to do. She took another deep breath through her nose and pushed it away, refusing to give it power over her.

This was an unfortunate consequence of life right now. This silly panic always lived in her chest these days.  It had for a while.

It was fine. She was fine.

But she could always feel it, could always hear it whispering unpleasant things to her. Things like:  _ you and Nick never finished talking about your move, Chloe. _ And,  _ what will you do if you can’t find a job, Chloe? _

Her lips twisted as she thought, well, she wouldn’t be moving, that was for sure. Nick would probably get his way.

Okay. That hadn’t been nice.

Nick was - it was - legitimate that he wanted to know this little stranger. Of course it was.

But.

She hadn’t seen Nick that last day in Henderson. Slightly tense, she and Beca had packed quickly and had been gone, back on the road and headed toward L.A. before Nick was able to get away from his lunch meeting.

It hadn’t been the right thing to do, Chloe knew that. She and Nick needed to talk. Pretty badly.

She just didn’t know how they would and somehow - she hadn’t really changed her plans to move.

But if she couldn’t find a job...the consequences would probably be far more dire than just that she wouldn’t be moving. If she couldn’t find a way to support herself, if she couldn’t find that life that she was seeking then she would probably need to move back to Henderson.

Which was…

Well.

That would be it, she wouldn’t have a choice.

Despite the fighting and the inability to even  _ discuss _ something that would work for both of them, Nick had been insisting on ‘helping her’ financially; something she hated. It was sweet of him, kind of him even but it was also a little humiliating. He had her in a corner, though. She needed the money. And - he still insisted their pre-nup stated that she would be getting alimony for the next few years anyway. She knew it was  _ true _ , she had read their pre-nup before signing it, but it was - embarrassing. And it meant that - for the sake of - she didn’t know - doing what was right maybe; she would have to go back to Henderson. She would  _ have _ to. She didn’t think she could keep the money knowing that Nick wanted her back in Henderson and she wasn’t complying.

Was that silly? Or was that the right thing to do? She couldn’t decide.

Nick...she knew he was so disappointed. And he worried just about as much as she did.

And that weekend, god that weekend…

The elevator let out a ding and she stepped inside along with a few others, her thoughts spinning around in her head.

“Hellova day out, huh?”

It took Chloe a second to realize that the man beside her was speaking to her. She shook her head a little, trying to pull herself from her thoughts, “I’m sorry?” She gave him an apologetic smile.

“I said, it’s a nice day out today, isn’t it?”

“Oh.” She gave a small nod.

She - she just couldn’t let herself think this way; she wouldn’t  _ let herself _ think this way. She would find a job, of course she would! There was  _ no way _ she wouldn’t. She just needed to be a little more optimistic. It would be fine. She would be fine. The universe - it had a way of making good things happen. She knew that. She trusted that! She just needed to put her faith there.

“I can’t believe it’s November. I swear it stays warm later and later every year.”

She smiled up at him a bit distracted, “It’s kind of nice, though, isn’t it? I love the Santa Anas.”

He chuckled, “You must not be a native.”

She wrinkled her nose, “That obvious, is it?”

“Eh, this is L.A., no one is native. Where you from?”

“New York.”

“N.Y.C.!” He cheered as everyone always did when they heard her answer.

“No, Ithaca.”

“Ah, I see. Bet you were happy to get away from the snow.”

“I don’t know.” She sighed, “I kind of miss it. I like sweater weather. I know I’m going to miss the snow this year. Christmases are supposed to be white.” She had gone through all of college without snow and she still missed it.

“Yeah,” he flashed her a charming grin, “my ex used to call it cuddle weather. There’s something to that, I think. And the snow can be beautiful.”

She nodded again, worrying her lip; her thoughts already drifting away from the polite conversation.

She really hated feeling like this. She just wanted everyone to be happy. She wished there was a way they could all simply live in one city together; Nick would know this baby - Jesslyn, no, Aniss, ew  _ no _ ...anyway, Nick would know this baby, Beca wouldn’t have to watch her walk out of her life again and Chloe wouldn’t have to live in Henderson. Everyone would be happy. There had to be a way to make that happen, right? Some middle ground, some middle city? There was  _ always _ an answer, right? That was something she believed too - so where was it?  _ Where _ was this answer?

Her shoulders slumped a little because there really wasn’t one. Nick couldn’t move. Beca couldn’t move. And there was nowhere in the middle where they could all commute. She sucked in another breath, annoyed because she had already known that.

“So, are you a teacher?”

“I hope to be. One day soon. I haven’t actually started yet.” She held up her envelope with a small smile.

“What ages?”

“Elementary.” She watched him smile slow and deliberate and realized that,  _ oh _ , he was flirting with her! Oops. Her already thick guilt doubled because she hadn’t even realized until now.

“That’s sweet. High school for me.”

“Oh wow. I don’t think I could do that.” She laughed companionably.

“It’s a challenge. But it’s such a crucial time of kids’ lives. It’s very rewarding.”

The elevator let out another ding and the woman behind her quickly stepped out, shooting the man an in-your-dreams-she’s-out-of-your-league smirk.

“I’m John.”

“Hey John, I’m Chloe.”

“Chloe. That’s pretty. It’s fitting.”

She nodded a bit; it wasn’t the first time she had heard that. She chewed her lip feeling the same sense of flattery and worry that she always did whenever she was approached in this way. She commended Beca’s ability to get her strict no-thank-you-back-the-hell-off across. It was so blunt, so matter of fact that it left little room for hurt feelings. Chloe...well...she had her tricks...but she had never been quite as good at this.

Chloe kind of loved to flirt; maybe that was why. She always had. Innocent or otherwise. It was like a well-choreographed dance and could be just as satisfying as the date that often followed. However, she hated it when she knew it would end in disappointment for the other person involved. It was sweet that he was trying; she didn’t want to bruise his ego.

“So Chloe, are you heading home? Any interest in grabbing a cup of coffee with me? There’s a great place that makes these herb-infused lattes. I know, it sounds weird but it’s good!”

She clicked on her best smile, “Thank you, I’m flattered, really I am, but I have a date with that room over there.” She cocked her thumb toward the employment office. It was funny, but she was fairly sure that she had been turning down more men since she had come out of the closet than she had ever before. It made her wonder if there was some cosmic unavailability that men could read from her or something. She sighed.

“Ah, I see.” John shoved his hands into his trouser pockets, “Well, it never hurts to try.”

She tried to think about John for a minute or two as she stepped away, always wanting to acknowledge anyone who was brave enough to struggle through asking someone out. She had done it and it could suck. Usually she tried to remember something specific about the person; something about their face, or if they had a good laugh; only today her brain was a bit full and unfortunately for John, he was gone before she had even fully stepped away.

She was so tired of feeling like she was in transition, like she had to grab hold with both hands in order to live. The first months here in L.A. had been hard, in many ways it had been terrifying even. She wasn’t great with change, as a rule... she wasn’t terrible...well; some people would say she was, and they wouldn't be totally wrong. But the point was that she had been living in transition for months now and she was ready to stop. She was so ready. As a matter of fact, she was so ready to stop that she could feel her heels beginning to dig in, her stubborn side popping out.

Which was bad. That always made her do things she shouldn’t. It made her pigheaded, immovable, she knew that.

She never meant to but it just  _ happened _ .

Damn it, she should have been more proactive over the last few months!  _ Why _ did she have to do that  _ thing? _ That stupid, silly, pointless and not at all helpful thing she did where she just  _ sat _ , not moving, refusing to see anything happening around her when she was scared. She didn’t like that about herself. She knew she was stubborn, it was her best and worst quality; leading to many Bella victories, to many wonderful things in her life, but also leading to one or two disasters as well.

She had gotten the idea into her head that failing her senior year over and over again was somehow preferable to graduating so she had just  _ sat _ , not moving, for literally years. She had held onto it, defending it with everything she had, despite the fact that maybe it wasn’t right. She hadn’t even realized it until it was  _ far _ too late. That was the worst part of this. She wasn’t always aware of when she was doing that whole sinking her heels in thing. It all made perfect sense to her - in the moment - until suddenly it didn’t make sense anymore.

She had been doing the same thing this year; she saw that now. She had been holding on to the idea that she wasn’t going to have this baby and hadn’t been willing to move forward or make plans until she had known for sure.

Hindsight really was 20/20.

And now she was sowing the consequences.

And that was her own fault.

She should have been on this since she got out here. Why had she waited around for so long? Why was she so stubborn?

Then again, she reminded herself behind pursed lips, this was why she was going to find a job.

Because she had to.

And she was stubborn.

Too stubborn not to.

And because she needed something to change.

Badly.

She needed to know what to do about Nick.

And she needed this...feeling...to go away...this strangeness.

She felt...she didn’t even know, she felt  _ crazy. _

Maybe that was all it was. Maybe she had just gone crazy.

Things were good.

They were doing well.

They were happy.

So maybe she was just reading everything wrong.

Maybe she had been since just before Halloween. Maybe she was just reading everything very wrong - or maybe she wasn’t - she didn’t know. It was making her paranoid; it was frustrating her beyond belief because she couldn’t tell for the life of her if she was making it up or not. It was this...thing. Chloe felt like maybe she had done something wrong somewhere along the way or like she had accidentally said something offensive and she was the only one in the room who didn’t know what. There was this - something - in the way of them, this slight discoloration. Everything was just a little...off.

This last weekend in Henderson had been a rollercoaster. They had fought so badly and then they had been alright - and then they had fought. It was only Tuesday, she knew that, but it had been long enough to know that, well, if things had been a little different for the past two weeks then something about something had knocked them into - something - she didn’t know what.

She just knew they had been fighting. And she knew that this moving  _ thing _ was a little uncomfortable. They hadn’t talked about it, not once since their fight in Henderson but she was sure that Beca was still firmly set on no, she didn’t want Chloe to move and she thought it was a poor choice.

Chloe didn’t quite get it but it was clear that Beca felt strongly about it.

Hence the reason that, though it was unspoken, it was still making everything weird.

Chloe understood Beca’s opinion. She respected it even.

She entered the career office and got into the short line, thankful that it wasn’t out the door like the first few that morning had been.

She had to find a job. She just had to. She had to do something to create some type of change so things at the condo could stop feeling so out of whack.

They had been fighting too much, that was the thing. It wasn’t like them. Even when Chloe outright wasn’t listening to Beca’s advice, they didn’t usually fight  _ this _ much. Beca had staunchly been against Chloe and her ‘stay in school’ plan but even then it hadn’t been like this. They fought, yes, they used to fight all of the time when they were younger. The Bellas had been forced to field so many college fights that it wasn’t even funny, but this was different. In the past, those were short hot fiery fights about boyfriends or Bellas stuff. They would ignite, burn, peak and fizzle out all within a day - two at the most - and then they would be right back to singing and laughing like they always were.

This long drawn out unspoken discomfort...she bit down on her lip as she felt her chest tighten. It wasn’t like them. Beca pouting this hard, Beca being a grump because she and Chloe weren’t agreeing...it wasn’t like them either. 

If that even  _ was _ the reason.

Then again, her head swam back to the opposite side of the fence, she wasn’t even sure if it was truly there or not, that was the thing that was making her feel crazy. She kept feeling it, kept sensing it in the back of her mind - and then - she wouldn’t be sure. The problem was she couldn’t point at something and say outright ‘This! This is proof that things are weird. This isn’t normal’.

Beca was bossy. It tended to make her a little grumpy when someone was doing something that she didn’t agree with - especially when that person was Chloe. She  _ knew _ that behavior.

Somewhere in Beca’s sophomore year Beca had come up with a dance that was - hot - very hot - and also way too risqué for the Bellas to do. Chloe had loved the dance and she had loved watching Beca do it, but she had known it wouldn’t go over well so she set her foot down as co-captain. It was something she rarely did, she had always felt like she was there mostly to hold Beca up, but this one time she had been sure. Beca had moaned and bit at everyone for days, insisting Chloe was wrong, insisting that she was ruining the set, insisting that this was what they needed. It had been as though Beca had been suffering through a hangover for days. She had been terrible to be around. But then the performance happened and like magic the moment the gig was done Beca had been back to her old self; it had been over and she no longer had a reason to dwell. Beca had even admitted, grudgingly and only to Chloe, that perhaps she had been right.

So, maybe that was all that was happening now.

She had no idea.

She had been struggling with herself and that had been frustrating because Chloe  _ always  _ knew what was happening with the emotions of those around her, she understood people so well - usually.

Beca didn’t want her to move.

Okay.

Well.

Chloe didn’t really  _ want _ to move either. She loved living with Beca - but she had to - it was the right thing to do for both of them. She needed to do it - soon.

Nick hadn’t helped either; what he had said, how he had treated Beca..she needed to have a very serious talk with him about it. He couldn’t just throw Beca under the bus like that. But as of now, they both were still simmering on a slow burn. He hadn’t called her and she hadn’t called him.

She shook her head. Damn it. She was going in circles again.

She wasn’t crazy, right?

She hadn’t just snapped somewhere along the way and that was all that this really was? Right?

Because - if she were being honest - this weird - space between them, this space, this  _ weird _ , that she thought she was sensing every now and then - it had started before Henderson.

When had it started? She didn’t even know.

“Good afternoon.”

“Hi,” Chloe flashed the disgruntled looking man a cheery smile. It fell a little in the corner when he just stared back at her, unimpressed. “Okay!” She shook her head a little and explained her predicament. He listened, nodding slowly over his stained coffee mug as though he heard this every day. “So…” she finished when the man said nothing, “Do you have any suggestions?”

“My advice, young lady, would be not to worry too much.”

Chloe let out a small ‘oh’, not completely sure how to take that. “So then…”

“You’d be surprised,” he drawled taking a swig from the dusty looking cup, “how much work is still available. Work is always available. California has been in the red when it comes to teachers for years now, we just don’t treat them well enough.” Chloe’s smile faltered again, brow furrowing, not sure if he was trying to be encouraging or not. “You’ve actually come at the perfect time.”

“Oh!” Chloe grinned but again it was knocked over.

He sent her a dry look and added, “For next year. Right now all the job listings are going up for available positions next year.”

“Oh.” Her mind instantly began to spin.

“The best thing we can do riiiight nooow,” he said in his slow monotone, “is give you a list of schools looking for substitute teachers. It’s not what anybody wants to do but it’s work.”

She sighed, relieved, and gave a bright, “I’ll take it.”

The man studied her cheery smile as though to say it couldn’t last much longer. It made Chloe hold it all the tighter. No, she was going to be optimistic, damn it, she was going to smile. This was going to work out.

“Riiiight, well, here you go.”

He was like the human version of Eeyore the Donkey, wasn’t he? The thought made her clear her throat and look down at the list to avoid a giggle. She had always kind of liked Eeyore. She wondered if she could even draw an obvious line from her favorite Hundred Acre Wood character and her friendship with Bec. Clearly, Chloe had a type.

Yes. Beca was just upset she wasn’t getting her way; she decided as she flipped through the list. That had to be it. This weird. Beca was like a child who wanted a cookie before dinner. She would get over it. Chloe would help her get over it. She bit her lip; they would get over it together.

“I’m just glad there is something at all!” She chirped. “Thank you so much. Have a great day!”

He just nodded her away, giving a droll, “Next.”

See, this would be fine, everything would be fine. She would find a job. She had to. And then she could move forward, find an apartment and things could get back to normal.

It  _ had _ to.


	7. Chapter 7

Chloe had done such a good job of convincing herself that everything was fine that afternoon. She had left the office feeling confident. Yes, things had been stressful and yes, they were going to be stressful for a little while longer but she kept reminding herself that there was so much that she had to look forward to. It would be hard being a substitute. She didn’t really want to do it, teaching at a different school every day would be horrible but she _could_ do it.

And Beca would get over it. She really would.

They would be alright. They were Beca and Chloe, after all. They would always be alright.

She had spent the afternoon calling schools, asking for details, trying to see what she could do and that had been, well, it had been a little stressful but now she had the music blasting in the kitchen, bouncing a bit in place as she stirred her pot of sauce, singing to the baby bump. She wasn’t feeling as chipper as she would like, worried by the answers she had received but she still pushed her bouncing into gentle dancing.

Fake it until you make it. She had always been a firm believer in that. It had gotten her through a lot of tough times.

“Hey Bec,” she called when she heard the front door open and close. It was so funny, okay, maybe not _funny_ exactly - but she loved the way that even after these last few months her heart still jumped into her throat the moment that Beca walked through the front door. Goodness, how many times had she seen it? She could remember a million times just like this. She could remember hundreds - thousands of times that Beca had stepped through the door of the Bellas house, she could remember a thousand times that she had stepped into her own apartment after college, or into Chloe’s and she could remember a thousand times of Beca coming home to the condo and yet it was still her favorite part of the day. She took a quick second to covertly let down her hair and shake it out.

“Hey!” Beca called, her voice muffled as she pulled her sweater over her head. “How was it? Did you get your paperwork done?”

“I did!” Chloe gave her a smile as she rounded into the kitchen, her eyebrows waggling, “I can teach now. It’s great!”

“That’s awesome.” Beca gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and a grin. “Ohmygod, that smells amazing, Chlo! Any chance we’re going to have that with _pasta_ or is that going over spaghetti squash again?”

The oven timer went off, answering Beca’s question for her.

“Riiight. Awesome.”

Chloe bit her lip, “I know you love it.”

Beca just laughed.

“How was your day?”

It was all very domestic and Chloe loved it.

“Good, yeah, I mean, kind of uneventful really, which, I guess that’s good. Emily seems all kinds of excited. Soon, I think we’ll get started soon.” Beca sighed, resting against Chloe’s back, her arms around her waist, her face burying between Chloe’s shoulder blades.

Beca was living in the eye of the storm right now. Kendra wasn’t there yet, Hope and her family were vacationing in Europe so they had also decided to push recording her first album until January just like Kendra’s. Beca didn’t mind because she felt fairly confident that Grasshopper would be open by then and she seemed happy to focus on Emily.

“That’s great! Has Em come up with any more new songs?” She asked, putting down the spoon and lightly grasping Beca’s hips, just to have somewhere to hold her.

“Not today, but I think she has one going.”

“Awes!”

“She’s - it’s - I dunno, she’s crazy.” Beca laughed, “I can’t believe it. Watching her put together these songs...I’ve seen her do it a few times now and I’m still like whoa. Anyway, hi.” Beca pulled so that she could give her a light kiss - and then a deeper one. “How long before food?”

She gave her butt a soft smack with the wooden spoon, “Set the table, it’s almost done.”

Beca grinned her very best Beca smile and started off to do her job. Of course Chloe caught her by the belt and pulled her back for another kiss before she actually let her go; Chloe happily biting her lip as she listened to Beca hum.

Yeah, so, she had to be wrong, right?

Because this was awesome. This was exactly what life was supposed to look like. Just like this.

Maybe it really _was_ just pouting. Maybe there really wasn’t the underlying - whatever it was. Because this was so easy! It couldn’t be this easy if there was really some weird thing happening, right? If something was off?

 

Dinner was good, filled with light conversation while they both ate, tired and then, as usual, some chatting and teasing over their plates. Beca told her all about the equipment she was ordering and Chloe told her about the droll man at the office.

It was all so normal.

They laughed together, teasing and flirting - okay a lot of flirting.

It was good.

“So, Bec,” she looked up from the dishes she was washing and saw Beca’s eyes were already narrowing in on hers. She opened her mouth to continue forward but - there it was - that shift - that strangeness that she was never completely sure she wasn’t just making up. But suddenly there was this crack below them, this fissure letting in the tension. Nothing had changed, Beca still looked quietly inquisitive, the last hints of laughter were still on her face but - what was it?

Just out of reach and yet, there was suddenly a pressure that she didn’t like.

Chloe blinked, trying to readjust, trying to read Beca’s face to see if she felt it too. Beca’s eyes gave nothing away so she continued on a little less confident, “Um, my appointment is tomorrow...to look at apartments, I mean.”

Beca’s fingers scratched behind her ear, her eyes fluttering, “Oh, yeah. That’s right. It’s tomorrow, isn’t it? Err, right.”

Chloe frowned, feeling all at once tense and awkward. She had never done this on her own - ever. She had moved from the dorms into the Bella house. Even when she had moved to L.A. the apartment she had taken was one of the two Beca had been considering. When Beca had taken one, Chloe had just taken the other because that made sense. “Yeah, I know, I know you’re not happy about it but I had been kind of hoping you would - come with me?”

Beca’s frown deepened as she began to rock a bit from one foot to the other.

“I know,” Chloe sighed, seeing the unhappy look and refocusing on the dishes, “look, never mi-”

“No, it’s okay,” Beca said fast, cutting her off.

Chloe looked up, eyebrows high. She watched Beca transitioning into awkward, could see that she didn’t know what to say and it both pained and amused her. It was kind of adorable and also horrible.

“No, no, it’s cool.” Beca finally said, “I’ll go with you.”

“You will?” She grinned over her shoulder for a moment bubbling with pleasure that Beca was willing even though she didn't like it. She was so proud of her, she had made such awesome strides over the last - and then she saw her face and any happy pleasure she had felt drained away.

“Uh, yeah. Of course I will, Chlo. For sure.” Beca’s voice was light - too casual.

Tension flooded through Chloe’s stomach, watching the way that Beca avoided her eyes. She knew that face too well not to know that Beca was about to bolt - and that Beca was so _not_ fine with what she had just said she would do.

For a moment a trickle of harsh frustration washed through her and then, to her surprise, a drop of hurt.

Beca turned suddenly, just as Chloe had thought she would, then, before Chloe could reach for her, she had turned back like she wasn’t sure where she wanted to go. She flung her dishrag up and over her shoulder with a huff and then turned again, her eyebrows pulled tight, her feet stumbling. “Um, yeah, so, yeah.”

Chloe watched her fumble, her jaw falling slack. There was something about the way that Beca was behaving, something in her face. She hadn’t understood this before and now - open-mouthed, she felt one of those moments building inside of her. Words were just going to explode out of her, she knew it. She saw Beca’s eyes shift, wandering around the kitchen as she looked for an escape, avoiding all eye contact, and her soapy hand shot out to catch her before she could retreat. She hadn’t even agreed to the words before she asked, clear and decisively, “Beca, did you expect me to stay?”

Beca stood, stuck between coming and going. “What?” Chloe could see her fingers twitch, could see her shifting stance and it answered the question for her.

“Is that why you’ve been so upset? You thought I would just stay?”

“No. What?” Beca’s cheeks went red, “No! Why would I be upset? I’m not - no, I didn’t. I’m not upset. I’m just,” her cheeks puffed and fell as she sighed, “I don’t know. I’m not upset!”

She watched Beca flutter, her eyebrows tight. She didn’t like this, she wanted Beca’s support, she wanted Beca to understand, to be there for her, to help but more than that she wanted Beca to be okay. She didn’t understand. Why was Beca this affected by this? She would just be up the road - she would just be somewhere a short drive away. She would probably be over every night anyway. So why did Beca care so much?

She sat for a second longer, Beca all but spasming as she continued to read her face, searching for an answer.

And she saw it, she saw the truth. Beca tried lightly to pull away from her but Chloe didn’t let her go, watching the way her lip was twisting, the way she couldn’t stay still. There was something in the roll of her eyes, something in the twitch of her cheek and eyebrow. Beca wasn’t just petulantly angry about all of this as Chloe had thought, she wasn’t just throwing a tantrum because she wasn’t getting her way - she wasn’t just pissed because Nick kept acting like she had no place in her life. Beca was - honestly upset. She could see it now in the way that Beca stiffly wouldn’t make eye contact with her. “Oh. Oh my god, you _did._ ” She whispered, her hand falling away from Beca’s wrist. Oh god, Beca had totally thought she had just _moved in_. She watched Beca’s shoulders grow stiff and knew she was right. She clearly had thought that she would just stay, maybe even thought that this issue had been unspokenly settled already.

_Oooooh, Bec!_

Pain flooded Chloe’s senses, burning her nerve endings. That wasn’t - that wasn’t right. But Chloe couldn’t even blame her; it wasn’t as though she had been actively looking into apartments before this. She had been giving herself time to settle, she had been stalling - oh, she had been selfish. Separating their lives a little more had been talked about but in a vague sort of way and she had been in Beca’s spare room - and then her bed - since late August. She hadn’t exactly been painting the best picture of her plans - she hadn’t really known her plans. She _didn’t_ really know her plans.

Oh, she was such a jerk, she had only been half right before. Beca wasn’t throwing a fit like she tended to do, nor was she hurt because Chloe wasn’t doing what _she_ thought was right; Beca was _disappointed._

But.

Why?

How could she be so disappointed?

How else could it work?

“Ooooh, baby.” She cooed, making Beca’s eyebrows pull tighter as she scoffed, turning to leave the room. “Hey.” She caught her again and then stole her rag to dry her hands. “Wait.”

Beca stopped, looking like a pissed off teenager getting dragged to pictures with Santa.

“Hey.” She shook her by the shoulders a little and that broke Beca’s blank stare, pulling out a small smile and eye roll. “I’m sorry you’re upset. I really, really, _really_ don’t want you to be. I hate it when you’re upset and I hate it even more when I’m doing it.”

“What?” Beca let out a quick, ‘pssshh’, “I’m not! I-”

Chloe just threw her a leveling gaze and Beca’s mouth closed. “Bec,” she took a deep breath, “I just - I don’t understand. You know I can’t stay. It wouldn’t be fair to you.”

Beca’s face pulled in on itself, looking honestly baffled, “What?”

“Well,” her lips twisted, “how can I? We both need our own space.”

“Riiight.” Beca searched her face, her eyebrows pulling down incredulously, “‘Cause - why - exactly? No, I mean like,” she said quickly at whatever had just been in Chloe’s expression, “isn’t living together part of, I don’t know, this whole – _thing_ \- that we’re doing anyway? Not now, no, god, not _now_ but like - then - whenever _then_ might be.”

It took Chloe a second to understand, her thoughts distracted slightly by the downward pull of Beca’s lips, by the smokey eye of her makeup. It was kind of shocking how beautiful Beca could be without even knowing it.

But then the words sank through her newly formed layer of gay and she heard them. “Wait, what? What do you mean?”

Beca’s eyes rolled with exasperation, “I mean like -”

“Wait. Do you mean like - oh my god, Bec,” her mind was suddenly moving too fast. It was making her dizzy. Did Beca think - she had assumed - but they had talked about - but - hadn’t they? She was sure there had been some type of vague conversation, right? She had assumed - but was she wrong? Her stomach knotted and she knew that she hadn’t been right. She had thought they were on the same page about this - thing - that they were doing - about them. She had thought that but suddenly she knew that she was wrong. She could see that she was wrong.

She had been assuming that Beca understood, because it was Beca and Beca always understood, but if she didn’t - she had to say it, right?  Her stomach burned.

“Come sit down with me?” She could feel Beca’s reluctance but she still let her pull her to the couches in the living room.

Beca uncoordinatedly plopped down when Chloe pushed her by the tops of the shoulders. She sat beside her, facing her, taking her hands into her lap and playing lightly with her fingers. Her heart was beating a little too fast, her throat a bit dry but she smiled automatically trying to cover her tension. She had thought this wasn’t needed but now - if she was going to say it - if they were going to talk about it –

Just say it, Chlo, just say it!

“I can’t just stay here with you, Bec.” She chewed her cheek, waiting for a reaction.

“Yeah, you said that.”

“Bec-”

“Okay, but why?” Beca blew out in a gust. “I don’t mean that as childishly as it sounds either, I mean it like – _why?_ I just, I don’t get it. It makes so much more sense. It seems smarter.”

She wished that Beca would stop hiding behind that line, especially now.

She frowned, her lips twisting in discomfort as a shoulder bounced into a shrug. “Yeah, maybe it is.” She gave one of the fingers she was toying with a nervous tug, enjoying its smooth, slender length.

She still hadn’t gotten over it all, the way her fingers looked, the difference of how they touched her - the way that even when they were being rough, they were soft, gentle, beautiful. God, she didn’t want to hurt her. So she had to say this. Because - maybe that was why Beca was hurting over the idea of her moving? Clearly, they weren’t so on the same page. She had the words ready but when she spoke what came out was, “I know I don’t even have a job, yet, I know that. But I need my own life, Bec. I can’t - I can’t explain it. I haven’t had one since before I moved to Henderson. Isn’t that crazy to you? I mean, that’s so crazy!” She sighed, feeling a slightly embarrassing truth spill from her, “I have nothing of my own, Bec, and I’m having a baby. Don’t you understand how much of a problem that is? This is something I have to do.” She glanced up and found Beca’s eyes on her in that way that always made Chloe’s skin shiver and tingle. She was fully focused on her, taking in everything about her, not only her words but also the way she breathed, the way she moved, everything. It made Chloe feel naked and she loved how intimidating that was. She loved how she knew, with everything in her that Beca was listening to her, really listening.

“Right. And I get that. But like -”

She lifted Beca’s fingers and gave them a kiss, “But more than that Beca, I _can’t_ stay. It’s not fair to you. Wait, I said that already too. Okay.” She watched Beca’s eyebrows pull together, confusion hot in her steel eyes, and she explained in a rush, “You and me, I love this,” she kissed her knuckles, not thinking that perhaps she shouldn’t in this moment. “I love waking up next to you, I love kissing you, I love seeing your face every day plus, you know, the other things,” Beca grinned and rolled her eyes at Chloe’s suggestive tone and wink, “but Bec,” and she found she couldn’t look at her. She was suddenly terrified. She didn’t know what she was terrified of. She was so honestly afraid though that the words got stuck in her throat.

“Just say it, dude.” Beca let out a dry laugh despite the fact that her eyes were a bit overly bright and wet.

She closed both hands on Beca’s one, holding it in her lap tightly. “We - we can’t be more than what we are right now. You know that...right? I mean - Bec - I thought - I thought we were on the same page about that.”

The room went silent and stayed that way for so long that Chloe finally snuck a glance under her lashes. Beca was sitting across from her, mouth partially open, her eyes blinking fast like a child who was just severely punished.

It absolutely broke Chloe's heart. Beca had been so good at not asking, not pushing and Chloe - she had thought that was because it  _wasn't needed_ , because Beca had understood this about them. She felt sick and she felt stupid. She felt...her stomach turned over and began to bubble, her heart began to slowly push harder, pumping faster as a strange panic she didn't understand began to fill her. She had thought - She could see Beca trying to pull that I-swear-I-don't-care shield up around herself but she couldn't quite make it work. So the words kept spilling from her. "We can't be. There's too much happening, there's too much. So I can't stay because it's not fair to you." She felt a small, slimy tingle in her belly and - was that it? Was that the reason? Was that why she  _had_  to go? She wasn't sure.

Beca's dumbstruck face didn't change; her lips stayed slightly parted, her face slack, baffled and hurt. So, with a trickle of fear sliding down her spine, Chloe hooked her hand around her neck and pulled Beca in, finding comfort in her lips, feeling Beca give in and take comfort as well. The kiss was long and chaste but it closed the distance between them so Chloe could wrap her arms around her.

Beca pulled away first, her whole body tight as she shook her hair a bit and pushed it out of her face, pulling her legs up so she could lock her arms around them. "So," her voice cracked and Chloe's hands found hers again. Beca tried to clear whatever emotion was blocking her words despite the fact that a tear had just gone rolling down Beca's cheek.

The sight of it set Chloe's nerves on edge. Beca was  _crying!_

"So this, uuuh," she rolled her eyes and studied the ceiling as another so unlike-Beca tear fell down her cheek, "this - is over - then? I mean, uh," Beca cleared her throat again and then again one more time. "Right? That's what you're saying?"

It was Chloe's turn to feel slapped. She felt her eyelashes flutter, her lips parting in surprise. She  _hadn't meant that._  Had she made it sound that way? She hadn't meant - but did that mean that Beca meant - maybe Beca didn't want it this way, maybe Beca - maybe it was too much for her. But...they were Bloe - they couldn't ever be over, right? "Only if you want it to be. It doesn't have to be." Good job, Beale; her voice had come out even and steady, "I don't  _want_ it to be. I - I like it. I love it."

"Okay," Beca's face crumpled to the side, one eye and one side of her lip pinching closed in a tick before she said fast, "so what the hell am I supposed to do with that then? I mean, what does that even mean?"

Chloe floundered for a minute, guilt making her absolutely sick.  _Was_ this too much? Was this wrong of her? Oh god, she didn't know. Maybe it was wrong but all she could do was try, right? Tell her and see what Beca had to say about it - because she needed - oh god, she needed - "I know it's not fair to ask and you can say no, you can step away from this at any time. Please, if you can't, if you don't want to then just be  _honest_  with me, Beca. Please, promise me that if this is something you can't do or if it's too much for you or not enough or it's not working for you anymore then you will tell me. That's so important, Bec. Please. I know you and you'll get all in your head and, and, I had thought that we both understood this but -"

"Chloe!"

She jumped, "What I want, what I  _need_ is for you to just keep being my best friend - like you are now -  _like this - with me_  - and then we'll see."

She couldn’t let Beca take this on, that was the thing, any of this, she couldn’t do it.

The pregnancy, the baby, her awkward and difficult future. It was too much to ask anyone to take on. Beca didn’t know it, but Chloe was protecting her, just like she always did.

 

****

 

Beca could see the desperation in Chloe’s eyes. She could see that Chloe was trying so hard to swallow it down, to hide it but, just like pretty much always, she was doing a really bad job.

Beca still didn’t get it.

Yeah, Chloe deserved her own life, of course. Chloe had a hard time not knowing what her future was going to look like; Chloe was the kind of girl who needed roots - that’s why she hadn’t been able to step out into the world without having something to hold on to… without having her to hold on to. It didn’t mean that Chloe was weak; actually, Chloe was one of the strongest people she knew. It was just that...

Chloe needed, ugh, Chloe deserved some roots.

And yeah, okay, she really kind of wished that she could find them here. Chloe didn’t have nothing. She had everything _here_. As far as Beca was concerned Chloe could have anything here. Chloe could buy new sheets for their bed, she could remodel, she could take anything in this condo, in this life and make it hers - including Beca.

Chloe deserved to have her own life.

And she understood. She knew Chloe too well. Chloe wasn’t saying it but Beca could hear the subtext and what that said was that another change for Chloe would be too much, would tip her over the scale.

She wanted to stay like they were now.

Okay.

Did she get why officially dating would change anything?

No.

It was kind of dumb and she didn’t - ugh, whatever. But it wasn’t like this was new information. Chloe had been hinting at this since it started.

So.

“So like - never - or -”

“No! Not never. Just - not now.” Chloe’s lips twisted up into a half grin and Beca had to wonder if Chloe really understood the conversation they were having.

Okay.

Fuck.

She pressed her fingers into her eyes until she saw spots.

Okay.

Fine.

She could keep waiting.

She could give Chloe more time.

That was - yeah, that was doable. It wasn’t never - she had _said_ it wasn’t never so -

 _Except_ … she felt her face twist as though she was trying to look directly at the sun and so she ran her palms over it, hiding, “I’m going to miss having you here.”

She heard Chloe’s bell-like laughter and then Chloe was pulling her hands away from her face, “Bec, you’re acting like you won’t see me.” She laughed again and then her lips fell into a familiar teasing pout, “I promise, baby, I’m not going anywhere.”

Okaaaaay, it was still kind of freaky what that word did to her, that little word. It was just a word, what the hell was wrong with her? But upon hearing it she suddenly felt better. She glanced up and saw Chloe looking at her, confidence on her face, as if to back up her promise, like she was also promising that nothing could _make_ her go anywhere. She saw the light in Chloe’s eyes, saw the way she was looking at her and she felt the cold in her stomach melt. It was that special smile, that special just for Beca look. She opened her mouth to make a joke but it dried on her tongue.

So maybe - this - wasn’t totally so - bad - maybe - ugh, she didn’t know.

She blinked, feeling that thing that was still kind of new and yet, wasn’t new. She tried again to speak, but was terrified for a moment that it would come out of her, that she would say it hoping that Chloe would say it and it would fuck everything up. So she let her legs fall, half hiding behind her hands as she leaned forward and pressed them into her own thighs. She opened her mouth again, looking back up at Chloe but instead of speaking she just tripped and fell into pools of blue. She was twisted, her head almost on her knees out of sheer, I need to move weirdness, under the gaze of the woman beside her.

And then she realized she was waiting.

Crap.

She was waiting again.

She was barely breathing, she was waiting so hard.

And Chloe was looking at her like - but Chloe didn’t move to speak. She just sat next to her, looking at her, those huge startlingly blue eyes taking her in as though she were drinking her soul.

What if - the thought came to her suddenly and though she knew that she had a reason to think it, it was almost unbidden; but like - what if she was waiting for something that wasn’t coming? Wasn’t that Chloe’s whole point?

Oh shit.

Oh _shit._

The thought sent a hot boulder plummeting into her stomach and she felt her thick, sarcastic vibrato hit her hard, popping out before she had given it permission. She clicked her tongue and, “I’m just worried that you’re going to be so excited for a place that you’re going to move into the first one you find.” Why had she said that? What had been the point? Fail, Beca, total fail.

Chloe smiled, mischievously, “Well, that’s why you’re coming with me.”

Beca rolled her eyes.

Something hurt.

What hurt?

She wasn’t sure, but something inside of her was hurting, aching, screaming in agony.

She couldn’t tell, couldn’t find the source of the inner bleeding. She needed to retreat. She needed a moment to herself.

“Okay.” Her hands fell onto Chloe’s knees, giving them a squeeze, “I’ll be back.” She stood; already pleased about the cigarette she knew was coming. She needed it.

Badly.

She felt Chloe’s hand softly close on hers.

She frowned as she turned back around. Why did she feel trapped, like she had been caught in a lie or something?

Chloe’s eyes were dancing, sparkling with mischief. She barely had time to process this before Chloe gave a yank and Beca fell back onto the couch with a squeal, her head in Chloe’s lap as she laughed. Only, the laugh cut off as Chloe leaned over her, the wall of red curls cutting them off from the world. Her stomach flip-flopped, god, it wasn’t normal - she shouldn’t be able to stop her in her tracks like that just by looking at her. Fuck. She was so lame.

And then words - thoughts were gone.

Chloe ran her fingers down Beca’s jaw line, the devil dancing in those blues and then she leaned down despite their opposing angles and gave her a long, deep kiss. Beca was worried...she was anxious, she was, she didn’t know, fucking whatever but she felt Chloe’s tongue slip past her lips and press warmly, flatly against her own and her mind went blank.

Totally, blissfully blank.

Chloe pulled back just far enough so her lips danced across Beca’s as she whispered, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Beca let out that awkward, unguarded giggle that was so embarrassing and seemed to be saved specifically for Chloe. See. She wasn’t waiting for something that wasn’t coming. No way. It was coming...sometime...maybe.

Chloe grinned, triumphantly before kissing her again. “Are you going out for a cigarette?”

Beca blinked, not sure she knew how to use words after a kiss like that from _Chloe_...Chloe fucking Beale. “Uh, yeah? Yes.”

“Do you have to?”

Beca pushed herself back into a sitting position so she could think, “I uh, I, what?”

Chloe’s nose scrunched, “You’re going to get cranky soon, aren’t you?”

That was stupid. She wasn’t five. She wasn’t going to get cranky. But - she still could feel the pull of the patio doors, could still feel the want for some air - for some room to freaking breathe. “Um, probably.”

“Okay.” Chloe sighed.

Beca rose, teetering and trying to shrug the stupid off of her brain.

Cooooomeon, Bec!

The cool air seemed to clear her head a little as she stepped out onto the dark patio. She blinked a few times, standing and simply breathing until she felt like she was coordinated enough to walk to the other end of the pool without falling the fuck in or something equally Beca-like.

Her stomach hurt.

Her head hurt.

Ugh, everything hurt while nothing hurt at all.

She was just -

The problem these days was that her brain was just a little too full, running a little too fast.

She lit the cigarette and blew on the tip, not really sure why she was doing it but just doing it to do it.

Okay so waiting for an ‘I love you’ back was - humiliating. It was like being the only kid in grade school not to get a Valentine’s Day card x10. It sucked, and she felt like an ass. She wished she would stop thinking it was going to happen. It was soooo freaking dumb! What the hell? Just because that ‘I love you’ had been years in the making for her didn’t mean that it had been more than a few months of this for Chloe. And - and, ugh gawd, she was so lame, what the hell was she doing, why was she - who the hell was she right now? She didn’t even know. She wasn’t sure she recognized herself.

She pulled on the cigarette again and stared at it.

And Chloe wanted to stay like this - like they were.

And that - didn’t - mean no - that just meant - not - right - now? Cause - okay.

Her mind twisted and turned, trying to take that in. Trying to find a new place for that.

Right.

Okay.

She could do that.

Not that she had a lot of choice. She wasn’t stupid enough to be the one to walk. Hell no.

She took another long drag, feeling the itch in the back of her throat that came when perhaps her inhale had been a little too enthusiastic. Gaaah, she coughed hard a few times. She really should quit. She wanted to get into better shape. She blamed Chloe for that. It was hard to see someone who was so lithe, so graceful and fit and _not_ feel like an uncoordinated drunken giraffe next to her. And she already had been eating better, but you didn’t really have much of a choice about that when Chloe was around.

Honestly, she kind of didn’t want to be a smoker - then again; what smoker really did? That was like a rite of passage after a while, right? Not wanting to smoke anymore but being a little too lazy to really put that work in - that was part of the I’ve-been-a-smoker-for-a-few-years package, right?

She needed to quit.

Chloe was right.

It was bad for her.

And.

Stuff.

Though, okay, the main reason why she should quit was - this baby. She wasn’t stupid enough to think that just because she didn’t smoke near her didn’t mean she wouldn’t be passing on harmful chemicals or something. She knew that Chloe was already planning on using a midwife. She would probably use all crunchy super safe stuff for this baby too...so it seemed ironic that every time Beca touched her she would be passing along cancer causing chemicals...and that was kind of the problem.

Well. It was part of the problem.

Not that she thought she would be touching her, this baby, a lot - well, maybe. She guessed that was part of the point, wasn’t it?

She might not.

There was still a chance that Chloe was about to disappear, there was still a chance that Nick would yell loud enough and Chloe would move. That Chloe would leave again.

She said ‘not never’ but - not never might not be a possibility.

She took another puff, flopping onto one of the cold pool chairs and yelping when the plastic touched her skin.

Freaking Henderson. That had all - that was - ugh.

Henderson was her real problem, wasn’t it?

It had really fucked with her head while it was happening and it had been fucking with her ever since.

Like _really_ fucking with it in a way that Beca wasn’t sure she even understood.

She had felt like an outsider the entire time. Which was weird, right? Because this was Chloe and she never felt like an outsider with Chloe. It was kind of Chloe’s thing. She made people feel like they were special; she made them feel like they belonged. Always.

And that had only increased once they had started sleeping together.

Actually, it had started to kind of feel like, and here came some more squishy cute thoughts that she would never say out loud, but it had kind of felt like it was her and Chloe against the world, tackling her work problems, Emily, Hunny, the tracks - all of it. But that had all kind of been in crisis mode and now that life was stabilizing, she was beginning to wonder...

Did she really have a place in it?

Did she really have a place with Chloe?

She moaned every time she thought of that, wanting to kick herself because this was freaking Chloe, her co-captain, and her best friend. Beca didn’t really have a lot of places she fit in life, not with her family, not with Hunny or EZTeez - sometimes not even with the Bellas - but she had always fit with Chloe. It was as though some divine being - some flying spaghetti monster type thing - had carved a Beca sized space in Chloe.

When Nick had insisted that Chloe needed to move back to Henderson, she had been pissed for the sake of herself and her relationship - thing. It had been a strange moment. She had felt like a teenager, wanting to yell that it was her turn, that he had his chance and he had fucked it. That she was hers now. That _she_ had won.

And then Nick had reminded her that...no, she hadn’t.

She had no leg to stand on.

She wasn’t Chloe’s girlfriend.

She wasn’t the baby’s family.

She was….the best friend...the friend that gets called an aunt even though there is no blood relation between them.

She hadn’t been able to fight for Chloe. She literally hadn’t been able to say anything after that. She had been forced to sit there while Chloe and Nick discussed her making the move that had taken her away from Beca before - all over again - and she couldn’t even say anything because she had no freaking rights. It had felt - a little too familiar and she hadn’t been able to stop the confusion. How had she gotten herself back into this place?

And no, she didn’t expect anything with Legacy. She cared about that baby and she couldn’t wait to be part of its life - her life - but she was comfortable being its not-aunt - being the babysitter - being the one that as she got older could be cool-aunt-Beca-with-her-music-who-lets-her-eat-junk-food-and-watch-horror-movies.

Fine.

She was good with that.

But to realize she had no claim, no call, no anything when it came to _Chloe_ \- that had been weird and so uncomfortable.

It scared her.

She had spent the next few minutes fighting her natural instincts to run from this before it could run from her. She could still feel it at the back of her throat, itching like an illness.

But then Chloe had turned to her, pulled her off the arm of the couch and her look had read ‘Beca and Chloe take on the world’ again and she had cuddled into her and -

Beca groaned into the night air, her head falling back to the chair.

She had told Chloe she loved her - and she meant it - so if time was what Chloe needed then Beca would give it.

She just wished - she wished she knew where she freaking stood.

She didn’t like this second guessing.

 

Either way, the next morning when they woke curled around one another as usual, Beca called Josie and told her to hold down the fort; “All you have to do is sign for a few packages, okay? Relax. You can handle it.”

A big coffee in her hand and doing her best to have a positive attitude, she had gone with Chloe to her apartment appointment.

Because she was Beca - and she would always do her best to do - to be - anything that Chloe needed.

And that had been a good thing too because she had been right. Chloe was so entranced simply by the idea of her own space that she looked at the first apartment and laughed happily. She then went on to say that the cracked bathroom tile could be a fun summer project for her, the strange kitchen with almost no counter space could be fixed with some shelving and perhaps an island, and that the neighborhood wasn’t ‘ _that bad_ ’.

Beca watched Chloe walk through the small apartment with that signature Chloe glass half full look on her face and wondered exactly how to tell her that this might be one of her worst ideas yet. There were times that optimism and positivity were - not so great, because, yeah...

Finally, when Chloe let out a yell, nearly falling as one of her heels snagged on a loose piece of floor laminate, Beca had to give in, catching her and holding her tightly by the shoulders, “Chlo.”

“Hmm?”

“Chlo. If - you - live - here,” she said slowly, “you - will - get – _shot_.” She glanced at the wall and saw some kind of mutant roach/Daddy-Longlegs hybrid, “And possibly malaria.”

“Oh, it’s not that bad!”

“Chlo.” She said again just as slowly, her hands refusing to give up their grip, “This is why you asked me along, right?”

Chloe’s lips twisted, guiltily.

“You can’t live here.”

Chloe followed Beca’s gaze, watching as the roach/spider lost its grip on the wall and fell onto its back to the top of the stove where it’s many disgusting legs scrambled and wiggled in the air. “Oh, ew!” she squealed, jumping away, “Okay, you’re right. I can’t. You’re right.”

“So uh,” Beca stepped around her and to the apartment lister, “does your management company have anything a little less, I don’t know, let’s say sketch-ville? Somewhere that a cute little redhead and her baby can live safely without paying protection money.”

The lister laughed, glancing around with an honest eye. “I suppose this isn’t,”

“Yeah, no, let’s just say no to…to this.” Beca waved her hand around her, gesturing to the apartment. “Like - really no.”

Together they piled back into the car to see a few other places.

They were okay but none of them were good.

That was the thing about L.A. There were amazing places to live, high end and great - like her condo - or there were hole-in-the-wall shit shacks. It was so hard to find something in between without branching out into The Valley.

Which, okay, she had never really had to work with that. She had been lucky when P.J. had put her in her condo and she continued to be lucky that she hadn’t been fired because losing her job would mean losing her home but whatever. Right now, she found the Los Angeles housing market to be very annoying.

They kept looking at places and they kept being bad, tiny, bad smelling, or bug infested. Each time Chloe looked more and more disappointed and more and more she could see Chloe’s lips beginning to purse.

So, fine.

Fuck.

Fine.

If Chloe was going to move out, then at least Beca was going to make sure she didn’t die when she did it.

So together she and Chloe went on a mission, looking up apartment finding companies, going to viewings and the likes.

And it was kind of fun. Almost fun.

Not really fun.

Chloe was focused on the task in a way Beca had only seen her do with Bellas things. She was single-minded in her search. When Beca asked her why she was so focused, why she was acting so much like Aubrey in her methodical searching, Chloe just mumbled something about ‘things getting back to normal’, which - Beca had no idea what the hell that meant.

It took them a week, a full freaking week, but finally they found one.

It was tiny but it was close to Beca, which she secretly liked. It was cute, well-kept and best of all, it was rent controlled.

She wasn’t a huge fan of it or anything but oh well. Yeah, she felt...but whatever - that didn’t matter. Chloe seemed happy. She watched Chloe walk through the place, her eyes alight. Yeah, see it didn’t matter what she was feeling.

The fact that Chloe was on cloud nine for days after that pretty much just confirmed Beca’s thoughts. She was a bubble of sunshine, talking constantly about how great it would be. She couldn’t keep it in.

Beca just smiled along, listening to her talking about decorations and furniture. She smiled and did her best not to show that she...hated this.

She wasn’t around when Chloe signed the lease. As a matter of fact, she was busy at work, sitting beside Emily as they discussed the first possible track. Her phone let off her specialized Chloe sound and Emily grinned.

“What does the wifey want?”

Beca glared. That just - that so wasn’t funny. “Oh.” She blinked at the text, “She uh, yeah, so I guess she signed the lease. She has a place. Jesus, that uh, that happened fast.”

“Wait, she’s _actually_ moving out?”

Beca just stared at her for a second, “Yeaaaah.”

“Waitwaitwaitwait, I don’t understand.”

Beca just chuckled, darkly, “A lot of that going around.”

 

* * *

 

She tried not to let it ruin her mood. There was no reason for it to ruin her mood. That was just dumb.

Still, she had to admit when she saw Chloe suddenly appear in the doorway of her ‘Moment One’ studio, that it kind of had. Maybe she had been a little grumpier than she wanted to be.

“Hey!” She gave her a grin and tossed a glance at P.J. who had replaced Emily in the chair beside her. “What are you doing here?”

Chloe’s grin was radiant, her eyes dancing and Beca felt her stomach cramp. God, no wonder she had said it, no wonder ‘Incident L’ had happened. If Chloe wasn’t careful with that smile, then P.J. would be confessing his love too. Freaking beautiful - redheaded siren.

“I brought lunch!” She held up a bag and grinned all the brighter. “I’m on my way to yoga but I thought you might be hungry.”

Oh my god, Chloe, stawp!

“Whoa now!” P.J. cried, “Look at you. I know that kind of bump, I’ve seen my wife with it more times that I would care to mention. How far along are you?”

Pink brushed Chloe’s cheeks as she answered, “Twenty weeks. Is it that obvious?” Chloe frowned at her tiny bump but the corner of her lip twitched and Beca knew she kind of liked it.

Ugh. Cute.

So.

Freaking.

Cute.

“To a well-trained eye. Is this a new development? You weren’t with child last time I saw you, were you?”

“Only just. Are you hungry, P.J.? I brought a sandwich for you too.”

He let out a loud laugh, tickled by Chloe’s charm, just as he had been the last time they had met and thank god for that too. She was pretty sure that Chloe’s sweetness and charm had saved Beca from a far worse ass chewing.

“Bec, your favorite. P.J. I hope this is alright. Turkey on rye?”

“That’s wonderful, sweetheart, thank you.”

Beca watched, amazed. How did she do that? She was like a fucking Disney princess, she sang and all of the woodland creatures flocked to her. I mean, P.J. was a nice enough guy but still. Beca took a deep breath, holding it in for a second. It was as though - because she was losing her - she couldn’t stop _seeing_ her. It _was_ how her mind would work, ugh. It was how she would punish herself. She would, of course, today notice just how well that light pink lipstick worked with her skin, just how warm the color of her hair was, just how bright her eyes shone.

Ugh.

Chloe said she wasn’t going anywhere but, yeah, she wasn’t stupid. She knew what that meant.

“I hope that it’s good.”

Beca, already a giant mouthful in, just gave her a series of meaningless sounds back.

“Awes.” She planted a kiss on Beca’s packed lips and with a wink headed back out the door. “I’ll see you tonight, baby.”

P.J. watched her go in a daze. Okay, to be honest, they both were watching her in a daze. So much so that Beca jumped, letting out a yelp when P.J. clapped her on the back, nearly sending her flying and making her choke on her food. “Good work on that baby, soldier. She seems like a keeper. I thought that you were seeing Hunny Brooks but I have to admit, I like this one much more. That’s a real lady right there.”

Good work? She frowned around her mouthful, trying to chew fast so she could answer and nearly choking again. Did he think that somehow _she_ got Chloe pregnant? Like good job on, what, having a _strong seed?_ Did he know the difference between male and female anatomy?

Beca just gave him half a smile and because she didn’t know what else to do, took another bite.

 

* * *

 

The thing about life since Beca’s car accident was that it never seemed to slow. It was kind of amazing, really. It never slowed, it never stopped.

They were getting on with their life, yeah, but things just felt so fast.

Everything normalized again, and by normalized that meant that it went back to working out together in the mornings, baby bump time, showering, going to work, coming home, eating dinner, relaxing, laughing, falling into bed together and then going to sleep, thoroughly contented in knowing that when she woke the next morning she would get to do it all again. The weirdness that had been surrounding them finally started to fade back into typical Beca and Chloe; even their little bickering fights began to slow until they faded away.

A week passed and then another.

She and Emily spent every day putting together the tracks, getting ready for the day they would start recording. The three spent countless hours together, fighting over Chloe’s belly, pleasantly arguing over baby names. Chloe’s belly seemed to grow just a little more every day and it was like watching the clock tick. Chloe was on a warpath, that laser focus of hers having narrowed now to finding a job. She spent every day going to interviews, sending emails, getting the job done.

Beca had to respect - and stay fucking clear of Chloe when she was like this. It was a little scary.

The month began to grow old and Thanksgiving finally came around. Beca had received an invitation from both her mother’s family and her father’s, Chloe had received one from her parents and they _both_ had received one from Nick and Jenny. They had also been invited by Emily and Benji down to Georgia, insisting that Katherine would love to have them at the Junk/Hardon house. They considered that last one pretty seriously; a trip down there would be a good idea. They could have Thanksgiving, drive and see Aubrey and then spend a day driving down to Barden to meet the new Bellas. Chloe had been an uncontrollable ball of excitement about this plan but after a pressing phone call from Nick, who was insistent that they _had_ to come, they decided fuck it, they weren’t going anywhere. Instead, they had planned a nice meal for two - which burnt because Chloe had ‘accidentally’ started a mashed potato fight that had turned into a shower - and then them not getting out of bed again until the next day.

Life was good, it was normal and happy and Beca loved it.

So logically, the end of the month came with lightning speed and suddenly and out of nowhere, it was time for Chloe to move.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Before I get any flak about smoking - no judgement AT ALL! I promise, ya'll. I smoked for thirteen years so I really am not judging. Just character development and there will be some talk like this throughout. Also, none of this was backed up my medical study.  
> So yeah, I did warn ya'll that it was going to be more angst heavy so we're finally beginning to get closer to those parts. We're still setting stuff up. Just warning you guys one more time. We're starting to head into the area where things will be up and down for a while. 
> 
> Also, this is the last chapter of double updates! Back to updates every Sunday only!


	8. Chapter 8

“No! … No,  _ Nick _ , absolutely not! No!”

Beca’s eyebrows shot up as she entered the condo, “Um, hello?” She thought back to that morning as she dropped her belongings, trying to remember if she had warned her that Nick would be in town. No. Not that she remembered. They had done some yoga, ate breakfast, showered - no yeah, she definitely hadn’t told her that Nick would be around. A flash of annoyance passed through her. After Henderson, she could at least -

“I know that!” Chloe cried in her high, wavering voice. It was the one that let Beca know instantly that she was in tears. “I know you have parental rights, Nick! I know! Fine! No!”

Oh. Phone.

She clicked her tongue, feeling her inner walls rising high as she smoldered behind them. She had been waiting for this fight. Chloe - maybe because she didn’t know what else to do - had just sort of  _ signed a lease _ as though she and her, ugh her  _ husband _ hadn’t been mid fight about that very thing. Beca - yeah, she wasn’t going to complain but that meant that eventually Nick would have to be told.

Sure enough, when she entered the living room she found Chloe pacing the floor, her face as red as her hair, her blue eyes overly bright as tears careened down her cheeks at a rate that was a little shocking.

“I know! No, it wasn’t like that! I’m sorry but -”

What had caught Beca, though, were not the tears. She had expected those. What caught her was just how red and swollen her face was. She had been at this for a while now and was so deep into it that she didn’t seem to have noticed that Beca was home. Cheek between her teeth, she caught Chloe by the arm, who jumped and nearly dropped the phone. “Oooh. Sorry. Um, are you okay?”

Chloe’s head shook, her lips quivering.

“What’s going on?”

“It wasn’t like that, I’m not ignoring your place in her life! I’m just trying to have my own too!” She shouted into the phone and then, eyes rolling hit the speaker button and dropped it onto the coffee table with a thunk before continuing to pace. The room was instantly filled with the sound of Nick’s enraged voice, “-Didn’t even talk to me, you just signed a lease! This is fucked up, Chloe, this is fucked up! I’m her father! I get a say! This is not what we agreed on!”

“We didn’t agree on  _ anything _ , Nick!”

Uuuuuughgod! Beca swallowed down a groan. She got that she didn’t really get a say here but she was kind of sick of this. Chloe didn’t - her freaking sweet self was totally taking this on like she had done something horrible and she didn’t even see that  _ Nick _ was being a controlling, selfish douche. Pinching the bridge of her nose she dropped down onto the couch and began to count to ten.

“Exactly!” He yelled back, “So get in the car. Get in the car and come back so we can talk face to face.”

What? Beca’s head shot up, staring at the phone. Really? Like - really though? Dramatic much? Selfish much?

“No! Nick!”

Beca could feel her hands beginning to shake. She hated him. She hated him for making Chloe feel this way. She could see Chloe trembling with upset, her feet moving her faster and faster as Nick yelled. It was killing her a little bit. She couldn’t just watch Chloe like this. She reached forward and caught Chloe’s arm, gesturing to the seat beside her. Chloe looked at it for a second and then folded herself in, nestling into the crook of Beca’s shoulder.

“This isn’t happening, Chloe! We have to come up with something else. I can’t believe you just signed a fucking lease!”

“Well, I did! I’m sorry! I’m just - I’m just trying-”

“You were being selfish!”

Beca could taste copper. She closed her eyes, focusing on not getting involved. This wasn’t her fight to get involved in. It wasn’t her fight, it wasn’t her -

“I can make you, Chloe. You realize that, right? The law is  _ so _ on my side that I can literally make you come back to Nevada. Because I- have - paternal - rights!”

Chloe gasped, her eyes and mouth going round as she stared at the phone, “You would be the biggest asshole in the world if you did that Nick!”

“But that’s within my rights!”

“And what about mine? Huh? We’re always talking about yours but what about mine?”

“You know what?” Nick exhaled fast into the phone, “Fine. Move into this place. Tell you what. I’ll come down tomorrow. I’ll help you move in,”

“No, Nick,”

“Because you’re right. There’s still time. You do whatever it is that you want to do, Chloe. Fine. We’ll talk about this more later.”

And the line went dead.

Chloe let out a huge sob, her shoulders slumping as she let her head fall into her hands.

That fucking dick. Beca was going to kill him. She was going to - she was - something - and it was going to be freaking bad. “Hey.” She cooed, pulling at Chloe who instantly crawled into her neck, hiding there as she cried.

“I - I - I can't believe -”

“Shhhh,” Beca habitually stroked her hair. She was always bad at this but she had learned that in general holding her when Chloe cried worked out the best. The comfort that Chloe could take from simple physical affection was astounding.

“He’s such an asshole!”

“Yeah well, that’s not new. What the hell happened?”

It took a few more minutes of holding her and rubbing her back before Chloe was able to form words again. “I called - I called to tell him - about the apartment.”

“Uh huh.”

“I was thinking that maybe we could talk. I mean, it’s so stupid, there was no point fighting about it before I had a place and it was just so bad when we left. I was so mad! Oooh, I was just so freaking mad and you and I were fighting and -” Chloe’s words were starting to pick up in pitch and in pace, quickly working herself back up.

“Heeeeey,” Beca caught her before it could get any worse, running a finger across her chin, “Okay so, I’m gonna say - a thing - and I want you to just listen for a sec, ‘kay?”

Chloe’s blue eyes flashed between hers; desperate to hear anything that could help her feel better.

“Right. So. I don’t know if maybe it’s because I’m not - part - of this whole marriage thing with you two.” Chloe’s lip twitched at Beca’s slow, deliberate manner, “Or if it’s like some not seeing the forest for the trees thing. But um, Chlo, he doesn’t get to have everything, you do know that, right?”

Chloe’s lips pulled downward. Her hand had wrapped in Beca’s shirt, holding tightly to it as though it helped her feel grounded. A little concerned about the material, Beca unwrapped her fingers and took them, interlocking their hands.

“What?” Her head shook a little as she tried to process what Beca was saying.

“Oh come on!” Beca groaned, letting a drop of the annoyance she was feeling seep through, “He’s trying to force you to move back to Henderson so that he can have his cake and eat it too, Chlo! If you move back then his wife, his girlfriend, and both of these kids will be in the same place. All you would need to do was get a freaking three house commune and he would literally get to have everything. You’re getting divorced. He needs to give a little.” Chloe stared at her for so long that Beca wasn’t sure she had heard her. “I mean, should you have talked to him before getting an apartment?” Beca squirmed, “Maybe? A little bit? Probably. Yeah. But it wasn’t like he was all about listening in Henderson.” Chloe still didn’t say anything. “Okay. My point is that maybe he needs to bend a little - sometimes. Because, like, there  _ are _ two of you involved.”

Chloe’s lips parted, she paused and then her mouth opened again before she said, “You’re right. You’re right, I know you’re right, I just,”

“You feel bad.”

“Is that silly?”

“No. But maybe - stop feeling so bad?”

“Right.”

“So he’s coming down then?”

“It sounded like it.” Chloe’s face fell in apology. “We can make him carry the heavy things.”

“See. There’s an upside to everything. I guess. So maybe just try again and talk to him when he’s here.”

“Yeah.” Chloe spent a second with her fingers gently fluttering around her throat, “You’re right. Oh my god, you’re so right.”

Beca sent her a dry wink and a tongue click, “I usually am.”

Chloe gave a small laugh, wiping under her eyes before she settled in a little closer, studying Beca’s face in a way that made her both want to squirm and want to sink in and enjoy it, “It’s just so easy to feel bad when I know just how much I don’t want to move back to Henderson.” She sighed, and Beca could see some of the weight had lifted from her hunched shoulders. She ran her thumb across Beca’s jaw, “What would I do without you, Bec?”

“Uhhh,” Beca let out an awkward laugh, trying to come up with something witty or sarcastic but all she could think of saying under Chloe’s heavy gaze was a blurt like ‘why are your eyes so  _ blue _ ’ so she just kept her mouth shut.

Then Chloe was kissing her.

Like.

_ Really _ kissing her.

Like - make her head pop, make her toes curl kind of kissing her.

It wasn’t even that her tongue was doing things to her brain, which happened...a lot... but the intensity…

She huffed, her breath leaving her all at once and making her dizzy as her head fell back to the couch. Chloe just chased her, pressing her into the cushion.

“Jesus.” She muttered unsteadily when Chloe finally pulled away.

‘What?” Chloe asked, her face innocent, but a little too innocent for Beca to believe.

“I uh- um - nuthin’.” She took a deep breath - and then another as Chloe cuddled into her, resting her head against her collarbone, “You okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I just - I feel so bad. I feel like such a bad wife.”

Oh my  _ god _ ! “Uuuuh, you’re getting divorced, you have to stop referring to yourself as his wife!”

Chloe’s head popped back up, her eyes glittering, “Are you jealous, Bec?”

“What? Pshhh! No! Why would I be jealous? That’s not -” she cleared her throat and said in a much more reasonable voice, “No, that’s not what’s happening here. I just think you gotta stop doing that.”

“He’s not my husband. Not anymore. But I still feel bad.”

She hadn't meant to roll her eyes but Chloe saw her do it and giggled, “You are too  _ so _ jealous!”

“I am not!”

“Yes, you are! I can see it! I totally can see it!”

“Dude! I don’t know what you’re seeing but-”

“Oh my god!”

“Ohgod,shutupChloe!”

“You’re jealous! You’re jealous!” Chloe was all but bouncing, her fingers slowly working their way up to Beca’s sides, ready to tickle her.

Beca caught them, her face serious, “Don’t. Even.”

“Don’t what?”

“Nope. That face - right there - yeah, it’s not going to fool me. Nope. Don’t! Fuck! Nooo! Fuck! Get. Off. No! You! Jerk! I’ll-” she was flailing and kicking under Chloe’s fingers, trying to push her away but Chloe wasn’t having any of that. “You’re gonna be sorry - watch - it - I’ll-” She lunged, pinning Chloe to the back of the couch as she returned the favor, refusing to stop despite Chloe insisting that she gave up, not until Chloe’s legs caught her and Beca nearly went flying. Only then did she let herself fall with a thump into Chloe’s chest, both breathing hard. “You suck,” she gasped out, enjoying the way she could feel Chloe’s laugh rumble through her chest.

“You’ve never complained about me sucking before.” Chloe purred, making Beca twitch, “Actually, I think you tend to like it when I... _ suck _ .”

A hot flash rushed over Beca’s skin, “I uh...nope...nothing to say...in response to...that.”

“Good.”

“Hey,” Beca propped her chin up, her grin already forming, knowing she was about to rock Chloe’s world, “Did you finish packing?”

Chloe’s eyes blew wide, “Ohmygod!” She cried and suddenly with a thump Beca was on the floor, groaning from her upside down place, she watched Chloe taking the stairs two at a time.

 

****

 

“Chlo, it’s going to be _ fine _ _!_ ”

“What?” Chloe looked up, her eyes feeling too big on her face as she tried to shrink her smile back to a normal size. “I know that!”

Beca’s grin dropped, trying to hide the fact that she had been laughing at all. “Really? Because I’m not so sure - of - that. Or maybe I’m not so sure that yoooou get that.”

Chloe rolled her eyes but cleanly and pointedly ignored her. She had meant to be packed by now! She had meant to be ready. It had been a mad dash since the night before when Beca had reminded her and now she was losing her mind a little bit.

“Really, Chlo, you’re acting like you’ll never be back here again and like I will never be there. I promise,” her face dropped again, doing what Chloe could tell was her best attempt at serious, “if I find any socks or anything I’ll bring them over. Pinkie promise.” She held out her ring circled pinkie to her. 

“I know!” Chloe sighed, trying not to laugh at herself as well. She knew that she was being a little silly but she couldn’t help it! She had totally thought that packing would take like ten minutes and she had been wrong. “I just want to be as prepared as possible.” She nodded, as if that would help, “Plus, I’m  _ sure _ I left the other shoe up here. You really haven’t seen it?”

“Nope.”

She chewed her lip.

She was nervous, though she couldn’t say exactly  _ why _ she was nervous. She wasn’t doing anything specifically nerve-wracking. If anything, what she was doing was really cool! She was moving into her  _ own apartment! _ Yay! No big deal. This was awesome! She knew she was doing that whole neurotic thing that Beca often teased her about but she was just excited!

She glanced back at Beca and saw her amused blank face.

She rolled her eyes, doing her best impression of Beca; which made Beca burst into laughter, cackling, “Hey  _ I  _ didn’t say anything!”

“You didn’t have to!”

That just made Beca laugh harder; so hard that she tipped and fell sideways onto the bed.

Things were better, thank god. She had been right, Beca just needed to see things moving forward so she could get used to it and let it go. Things were  _ normal _ again and Chloe was so glad. Whatever it had been, that weirdness, that feeling of something being slightly off - it was passing.

No. Even better. It had already passed.

She turned and headed back to ‘her’ room, finding a few socks under the bed, “Damn it, I can’t find it anywhere. That’s my favorite pair!” She came back to Beca’s room and glanced under her bed as well, instantly coughing as she breathed in a dust ball. “Oh god, Bec, when was the last time you vacuumed under here?”

“What? I vacuum.” Beca said in her high voice that let Chloe know that she had no idea when she had vacuumed under her bed last.

“Uh-huh.”

“Shut up.”

Chloe grinned, reaching far under and through the forest of Dust-Bunnyland until her hand finally landed on the missing boot. “Ah-ha! Got it!”

“Yaaaaaay,” Beca rolled her eyes, clapping.

“What’s with the box?” Chloe pulled herself up from under the bed and plopped down in front of Beca, rewarding herself for her recent findings by flopping into her and letting herself be cuddled.

“Box?” Beca frowned innocently, propping her chin up on Chloe’s shoulder.

“Yeah, the plastic box under there. You know, the one between all of the dust bunnies.” She had only been asking for the sake of curiosity but when she heard Beca let out her signature awkward laugh she looked up, instantly intrigued.

“What? It’s nothing.” Beca’s shoulders rose and fell quickly but she wasn’t looking at Chloe at all. As a matter of fact, she had suddenly become deeply engrossed with a spot on the opposite wall.

Intrigue only rose as she watched a small flush warm Beca’s cheeks. Chloe gasped, “Why are you being weird?” She twisted around fast so she was facing her.

“What? I’m not being weird, weirdo.” But Beca still wasn’t looking at her.

“Bec!” Chloe cried, smacking her with a pillow, “Oh my god, you’re so busted! What is it?”

Beca let out a squawk and caught it, turning it around and smacking her back. A huge Beca grin spread across her face when Chloe - focused on other things, like whatever she was hiding, let it hit her in the face. Then she proceeded to simply sit, completely awkward and just staring back at her.

“Okay, if you want me to be less curious then you’re playing your cards all wrong!”

Beca’s cheeks grew all the rosier as she shifted innocently, “What do you mean?”

“Oh my god, you’re  _ so _ bad at this!” Chloe cried, squeezing Beca’s knees and making her jump at the slight tickle. “What is it?”

“What’s what?”

“Bec!” she cried, squeezing again, “Why are you being so weird?”

“I’m not, just uh- forget about it. Did you check the bathroom? You might have forgotten like a hair tie or like, I dunno, a bar or soap or something and then the world would end, Chlo, it would end! All over a hair tie. I, uh, yeah, I don’t think you want that on your shoulders so you had better check.”

She felt one of her eyebrows start to rise and with that Beca’s eyes began to narrow.

She wasn’t sure which one of them leapt first, diving under the bed for the box but suddenly they were tussling, Chloe with her forehead pressed into the carpet, trying to wriggle her way deep enough to grab it while Beca held her around the waist shouting, “No! No! No!”

“What is it?” She cried, twisting, trying to get Beca’s little body off of hers.

“Nooooo!” Beca yelled back, tickling Chloe’s hips and making her flop like a fish.

“Cheating!” She gasped, “That’s cheating! Victory,” She cried as her fingertips brushed the plastic, “I will have - victory - damn it!” She turned, using her strength so she could bolt upright and flip Beca onto her back. Beca let out a loud squawk, skinny legs flailing as she hit the bed. “Ha!” Chloe grinned, pinning her and pausing long enough to playfully nip at her neck before she was off again, determined to find out what Beca was hiding, if for no other reason than Beca so clearly did not want her to and that was interesting.

Beca let out an involuntary little moan at the bite and not to be outdone, dived again, catching one of Chloe’s legs before she could slip off the edge and gently biting at the back of her knee.

A thrill shot straight from that spot to her apex, making her let out a strangled squeal moan as her head dropped to the blanket for a second, giving Beca the chance to leap, wrapping herself around Chloe’s back like an octopus.

“You - cheating - little - monster,” Chloe grinned, pinned to the bed.

Beca laughed in her ear, “It’s true. I used your off switch.”

“Is it your creepy Dexter box?”

“Well yeah.” Beca sighed, shifting so she could hook her chin over Chloe’s shoulder, “And you can’t see it because that could incriminate you. That’s the blood samples of all the judges who wanted to give the Bellas a bad name...and my six-grade math teacher.”

“Ooooh,” Chloe grinned over her shoulder, “how very sexy and mysterious of you.”

“That’s me. Dark and mysterious. I am the night.” Beca sucked her cheek and gave her an awkward and disjointed wink.

Chloe laughed, flopping over so she pinned Beca between her back and the bed, “Is it your stash of dirty magazines?”

“What? No! How old do you think I am?” Beca gasped, slapping at her own face as she tried to get rid of the hair that was smothering her and huffed out a deep breath. “Gah! Ribs!” She shoved at Chloe’s arm and then groaned.

“Hmmm, is it your secret stamp collection that you’ve hidden for the last eight years?” She let out a teasing gasp, not at all bothered by Beca’s struggle, “Are you secretly hiding the World’s trophy?”

“Nooo, Chlo!” Beca’s arms finally flopped back to the bed as she gave up, “What do you  _ think  _ is in the box - under my bed - in my bedroom?”

Chloe frowned. She was enjoying the teasing, both verbal and physical, she was enjoying the feeling of Beca under her, even in this way, but she didn’t get it. What did that mean? Under her bed in Henderson she only had a few abandoned articles of clothing and her lockbox with her social and other important papers in it. It couldn’t be that though because it was plastic. Oooh, it would so be like Beca though to have her  _ lockbox _ be made of plastic. She opened her mouth to chastise her and then her eyes went huge. She gasped, flopping fast so she was on her hands and knees over Beca, her eyes huge in excitement, “Do you have  _ sex toys? _ ” Chloe hissed, “Beca! Are you telling me that I’ve been sleeping over sex toys for the last few months and I never knew?”

Beca’s mouth opened and closed for a second, her face mildly uncomfortable and that was all the answer she needed. Excitement making her fingers tingle, she suddenly shot forward again. This time Beca let her grab the box, rolling her eyes as she pulled into a sitting position. As soon as it was on the bed Chloe flung open the lid with absolutely no hesitation.

Her mouth dropped open and then circled into a round ‘O’, “Beca Mitchell - has sex toys.” Did that sound a little breathy? It did. She tried to take a quick deep gulp of air but intrigue wouldn’t allow it.

Oh my god, was it hot in here? She glanced up at Beca’s mischievously guilty face and the room grew hotter.

Was she being weird?

Oh god, probably.

She tried to sit back but as soon as her butt hit the bed she bounced back up to her knees. She was aware, somewhere in her, that her eyes were giant. She couldn’t believe how surprised she was. She had never thought about this possibility and they so had never talked about it. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“So, um,” Beca teased, her eyes narrowing at the clock, “we should probably,”

“Oh don’t you dare, Beca!” Chloe cried, grabbing Beca’s wrists before she could move.

Beca laughed but this time her shrug was more natural, “I mean, every lesbian has a few, right? I guess I didn’t think about specifically telling you. Don’t you have one?”

Chloe scoffed, thinking about her small pink vibrator that lived somewhere in a packed bag right now. “Not one like this!” She held up the comfortable looking harness, staring at it like it was a new species of animal. She had to blink a few times as a bundle of images flooded her mind.

“Well - if you did - I would wonder a little bit more about Nick. Though, hey, no judgment or anything.”

Her wide eyes shot back to Beca and she scoffed, “Oh my god, shut up!”

“I said no judgment!” Beca cried, her hands going up.

Chloe sent her a glare that Beca shrugged off. She picked up the attachment and stared. She had never used one. She had thought about it, of course, but never really actively. She  _ loved _ her current sex life and she hadn’t really thought about more - experimenting. But now - with this in her hand - all she could do was think about Beca’s smooth, thin hips and - okay - the room was getting hot again. “So if every lesbian has one then does that mean I should have one too?” She asked with a little half smirk and then bit her lip. “Do we need to go shopping?”

“Oh, that should have come in the mail with your lesbian card. What? You didn’t get one?”

Chloe’s nose wrinkled.

“Yeah, totally, when you sign up to be a lesbian you get, um, let’s see, yeah, your card, the toy, and a choice of a cat or a really trendy haircut.”

Chloe just scoffed.

“If you didn’t get yours, then you should write a letter and complain.”

Chloe was ignoring the ‘Beca is uncomfortable’ teasing now. She opened her mouth, closed it, opened it again, trying to bring some moisture to her dry lips, “You haven’t wanted to, I don’t know,  _ use _ them?”

Beca’s eyebrows pulled together and she twitched one shoulder, “I dunno, Chlo, I figured we would get there. I don’t know, the mood hasn’t struck I guess? It’s not - I didn’t - I mean, I wasn’t avoiding it or anything!”

Chloe let out a breathy laugh and realized her heart was beating devilishly fast in her throat. “How have I not known that you have sex toys? You’re an ever unraveling mystery, Bec.” She gave her the best coy smile she could manage, “I can’t believe how much I never knew about you before we started sleeping together. How is that possible? We were supposed to know everything about one another!” Grinning she looked between the box and Beca, the box and Beca, studying the shape of the thing. “I want to try it,” she suddenly blurted and wondered for a second if she should be embarrassed about her ardor. Nope. No way.

Plus, even if she wanted to be embarrassed, she could feel that wave coming over her, that hot, bubbling, desperate, need to touch and that felt  _ so _ much more important.

She wasn’t even fully aware of dropping the box, or of advancing; not until she was suddenly in Beca’s lap, pushing her back against the pillows, her tongue slipping past Beca’s lips as her hand closed tightly on a pert breast.

Beca whimpered, surprised but, as always, met her with gusto, making Chloe laugh into the kiss. She knew that she often threw Beca off, left her stumbling like she had two left feet, but never in this way.

“You do?” Beca’s voice had instantly dropped, already growing husky. The sound of it drove Chloe mad, pulling her tighter to her, kissing her faster, harder.

Oh god, she freaking loved this.

“Um-hmm.” She trailed her tongue over her lips and then gave a long, deep swipe, mewling a bit as she felt Beca shiver under her, “What else don’t I know? Hmm? Any other secrets, mystery woman?”

“Um,” Beca cleared her throat, her eyes rolling back as Chloe’s fingers softly trailed up and down, back and forth over her breast. “I can’t - I can’t tell you. Woman of mystery, remember?”

There was an appreciative silence for a moment as Chloe’s hips started to move against Beca of their own accord, giggling when Beca lost her balance and toppled. That was perfect, exactly where she wanted her. Her hands gripped Beca by the ribs as her lips broke away from Beca’s, sliding to suck just below her jaw, leaving behind a tiny love bite and making Beca pant.

“Oooh, you mean  _ now _ , don’t you?”

“Umm-hmm.”

“Like - now, now?”

“Umm-hmm,” She pulled down the top of Beca’s shirt and then when she still couldn’t get to what she wanted she let out a frustrated growl and shoved it up from the bottom, covering Beca’s face with it in her haste to get to her skin.

“Awwwck!” Beca cried, her hands trying to pull the fabric away but instead she let out a feral moan when teeth softly closed around the fabric of her bra, “Jesus, Chlo.”

She just let out a purr.

She had been like this lately, maybe it was the pregnancy, maybe it was Beca - it was probably Beca - and the fact that she couldn’t get enough, but when she needed her then she needed her  _ now _ .

She could see a slideshow of possible happenings going through her mind as she unzipped Beca’s jeans and inelegantly cupped the woman below her.

Beca moaned under the cotton of her shirt and bowed into her, flustered by Chloe’s sudden advances.

She let out a satisfied hum. She also kind of liked this; when Beca was all twitches and moans instead of real words, confused and discombobulated.

“Okay,” Beca’s muffled voice cracked, her hands once again pulling at the shirt covering her face, which seemed to be stuck. She let out a frustrated grunt, finally freeing herself and falling back, her cheeks pink. “Well, we can do that. I’m just surprised you want to since, you know, Nick.”

Chloe bit her lip guiltily, letting her eyes connect with Beca’s. That sounded good. She would be happy with that - the idea was - oooh, it was driving her a little crazy but -

“ _ Oh! _ ” Beca blinked a few times, her face falling open, “ _ You _ want to wear it!”

“Is that okay?” She remembered where her fingers were and gave them a small press, Beca’s mouth fell open.

Mmmm. She pressed again, making small circles and thoroughly enjoying the show. “Okay good!” She cried when Beca didn’t argue - or was incapable of arguing. She pulled her hand away, jumping up and giving Beca a huge grin; thoroughly excited.

“Wait, come back!” Beca frowned, twitching and writhing on the bed.

“What’s wrong, Bec?”

“Oh my god, shut up and come back.”

Chloe giggled as she slid across Beca again, her hands running up her arms so she could pin them beside Beca’s head.

She was so thankful that their love life was like this: hot, warm, funny, fun - intimate. She had never had this before and she loved it so much, she loved sharing it with her best friend and lover. It was perfect. This was perfect.

“Will you show me how?” She whispered when they broke apart, her nose trailing lightly up and down Beca’s.

Beca nodded fast, going non-verbal as Chloe began to scoot, pulling down her jeans, kissing down her leg, pausing on the way up to kiss just inside her hipbone.

“Will you tell me how you like it?”

Beca just wordlessly nodded, her back arching as Chloe’s tongue traced patterns across her ribs.

She had a feeling that she could probably get Beca to agree to pretty much anything right now and she loved it.

“When - how the hell - when did I get this naked? I don’t even - oh god!”

She trailed back up Beca’s throat where she met her lips and softly began to suck on the bottom, enjoying the way that Beca responded as she did so. “Mmmm, I like it. You should be this naked more.”

“Merphenm,” was all Beca said in response.

Her fingers traced her stomach slowly, down and over a hip, up her ribs,  over a nipple, up her jaw so she could cup her cheek to her.

Falling into bed with Beca Mitchell for the first time had been kind of an impromptu decision and Chloe was sure it was the best she had ever made. It was intoxicating, no matter how many times she had done it now, gathering Beca up this way. She loved watching Beca try so hard to hold on to her snark, to hold on to their teasing laughter and yet watch it melt away strip by strip until Beca was at her mercy.

Chloe smiled, she liked the way that Beca’s body was beginning to roll against nothing, her breath coming fast as her jaw worked, her mouth opening and closing. She leaned forward and kissed it before burying her face in the tender spot behind Beca’s ear.

Her fingers ran down her smooth stomach, slipping through soft curls and sliding against her.

And this.

Chloe moaned just as Beca did, pressing, feeling.

So fast. She loved how fast she could create this in Beca.

Another moan slipped out of her; oh god, Beca, what the hell are you doing to me?

Beca’s hand wrapped in Chloe’s hair, pulling just enough to make her eyes roll and then she pulled again to bring their lips together where they could mold, fuse.

“Will you put it on me?” Chloe whispered into her ear and felt Beca shiver.

“What? You can’t uh, yeah,” her eyes struggled open, fluttering and trying to focus.

Watching with her lip between her teeth, Chloe waited until Beca’s eyes cleared fully before she bit her lip and pressed again, making Beca let out a loud cry, her eyes snapping shut.

“Okay, if - if you want me - want me to - to do the thing - then - you gotta - stop - that.”

Chloe grinned and then after a moment’s pause pulled away, “Okay!”

Beca whimpered, her palms going over her eyes. “Okay. I’m moving. I’m good.”

Chloe grinned as Beca rose, a bit shaky, and moved to the edge of the bed. She watched, sitting comfortably in the middle of the blankets as Beca removed the desired items from the box. She loved the way that every now and then Beca looked up at her, gave a small disbelieving laugh and shook her head; handling the items as though they were old friends. It made the heat in Chloe’s body grow.

This woman was always surprising her. There were some things that Beca was so embarrassed by; even in her sexuality there were some things that made her blush. This time, Beca’s cheeks stayed completely cool and that meant that, in this area, Beca felt she had reason to be confident.

That thought made her body throb.

She watched as Beca started to hum, going to the en suite to wash the little bit of dust away. “Well come on then, gorgeous,” she announced as she strolled back in, unashamed.

Chloe bit her lip and all but bounced to her feet. A moment of nerves passed through her as she watched the way that Beca handled the harness, loosening and tightening the straps. There were so many straps! She hadn’t done this before, what if she was terrible at it? It couldn’t be that hard, right? Her worry must have been obvious though because when she glanced at Beca again she was caught by those twinkling deep blues. Beca had walked her through everything else, so she didn’t need to worry about this. Beca gave her a small, knowing wink and the worry melted away.

She felt Beca’s fingers spider under her shirt, pausing to massage up her ribs for a second and her breath caught, “Mmm, that’s nice.”

“Good.” Beca gave her a small on the jaw kiss and then pushed the shirt over her head.

Her breath was starting to pick up as Beca’s hands never broke contact with her skin; roaming everywhere slowly. The confidence she could feel coming from Beca was mind melting. It made her want to put her mouth on her, it made her fingers itch to touch her. Beca’s lips brushed against her chest, purposely glancing at her with a small smirk as she kissed just over her heart. Chloe felt everything in her suddenly hitch, heating her to a dull roar; always a sucker for her lips in that spot, her mind constantly drifting back to her wedding day. She reached for her but Beca was already moving, her lips skimming, her tongue flicking against her skin as she moved across her chest, to her shoulder and around to her back.

“Bec,” she whimpered, her eyes closing as Beca wrapped an arm around her stomach, burying herself between her shoulder blades as she pulled away her bra.

Oh god. That too much feeling was rising in her again, that same feeling she always got when Beca touched her. Her hand fluttered to the hand that was softly cupping her breast, just wanting to hold some part of her as she started to grow dizzy.

It was like Beca was weaving her into some type of spell, seducing her with expert precision.

Beca’s fingers intertwined with her own, squeezing them tightly as Chloe’s head dropped back onto Beca’s shoulder, feeling that compression like a warm squeeze around her heart. She turned her head and started to pepper soft kisses across her cheek, her temple, the corner of her lips as Beca’s hand traveled down.

Chloe’s breath caught in a harsh gasp as Beca slid their intertwined fingers under the material of her panties. “Oh god,” she whimpered as she felt Beca begin to touch her, her fingers holding Chloe’s so when she slid up and down slowly Chloe’s fingers came along for the ride, pressing into her as well.

She let out a tight whimper, the sensation of Beca’s fingers running over her, the feeling of her own arousal, Beca’s lips closing on her ear - she moaned, taking charge, pressing harder, bringing Beca’s fingers with hers instead of the other way around.

Her cries began to pick up quickly, too quickly, her own pressing paired with Beca’s expert touch was exquisite. She could feel her hips beginning to roll against their hands. “Oh god, Bec.” As always, like magic, every inch of her skin flashed, tipping back and forth between too hot and too cold, goosebumps mixing with a thin sheen of sweat. “So good.”

Beca chuckled deep in her chest, forcing their fingers downward, stretching her arm to the max, so that just the tips of both slid into her. Chloe cried out sharply.

“If you still want to use - err -that,” she tilted her chin toward the toy on the bed, “then we should probably stop this.”

Chloe whimpered, torn.

“I could keep going but you seemed pretty damn excited.”

She pulled their hands away, able to think better without them on her, “Okay, you’re right, you’re right.” She tried to cool down, her legs feeling like jelly under her. She let out a laugh when she saw Beca’s proud face.

Beca’s eyebrow just popped as she pulled the rest of Chloe’s clothing away.

“I’m uh, yeah, I’m not gonna lie, this is kind of super fucking hot,” Beca admitted as she dropped to her knees to help Chloe step in and started to scoot the harness up her thighs.

“Oh yeah? Good. Oh my god!” Chloe cried as it slid into place, “This is so weird!” Like a popped bubble, the sexy air of the room vanished as Chloe grinned at Beca, shaking her hips, watching the phallus bounce.

“Dude, stop it!”

Chloe giggled, “Ew, this is awkward. Is this really what men have to deal with?”

“Uuuuum,” Beca frowned a little, “something tells me this is a little different.” She cleared her throat, sending the harness and then Chloe another discrete glance, “‘Kay,” Beca sat back, “that should be good. Just adjust it to how you want it.”

Chloe spent a second or two fiddling with the buckles, “Wow, this thing is complicated.”

“Put this on.”

Chloe looked at the condom confused.

“Keeps it clean over time,” Beca said with a shrug.

She knew her cheeks were going hot as she slipped it on, feeling all at once aroused and mortified. She looked up and found Beca lounging on the bed, her gaze sharp, her eyes dark. “What?” A moment of insecurity flooded through her, she couldn’t decide if she felt embarrassingly silly or - “I know, I can’t take it seriously,” she let out another laugh, this time a bit uncomfortable.

“Really, because uh, yeah, that uh- it’s um, super hot, Chlo, I uh- err - wow.”

Chloe’s lip twitched in the corner, studying Beca’s face and seeing nothing but slightly abashed arousal there.

It was exactly what she needed to see.

She started to crawl across the bed, her heart beating everywhere at the look on Beca’s face. “Really?” She slid over her, purposely letting it press against her. Beca jumped and then let out a long moan. “What is it? The toy?”

“No, I’m pretty sure that it’s  _ you _ wearing it.”

“I think I kinda like it. Is that weird?”

Beca’s head shook fast, her hands closing around the straps at Chloe’s hips, “So - many - fantasies - being realized right now.”

“Oh yeah?”

Beca nodded her head, a muffled cry coming from her when Chloe forcefully parted her lips with her tongue and took a hungry swipe. “Yeah, I definitely think I like it.” 

Beca seemed to as well, judging from her wandering hands. Face still against Beca’s she reached down and gently pressed, slipping two fingers in, listening to Beca’s sounds as she moved and stretched. “So do I just-”

“Yeah.”

Her eyebrows pulled together, feeling that uncertainty again. “So this is how boys after their prom feel.” Beca must have heard the tremor in her voice though because, their lips locked, she reached down to help guide her. She pushed her hips slowly, her mouth popping open as Beca’s eyes rolled and she let out a strong grunt.

“Oh god.” Chloe sucked in a fast breath, looking down to watch the toy disappear; shocked as she slid completely into her, pressing there, not moving, marveling at how it felt to lie together this way. She kissed Beca’s jaw, her face, her voice shaking as she asked, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Are you?” Beca’s hand clumsily pushed her hair out of her face so she could lean forward and kiss her with startling tenderness.

“Uuuummm.” She pressed her lips together again, glancing once more at where they were connected. She wasn’t sure she had an answer for that so she just nodded.

“Yeah?”

Chloe grinned, “Yeah.”

“Okay.”

She bit her lip, watching Beca’s face as she slowly pulled her hips back and then pressed them back in.

The sound that came from Beca was her undoing.

She was definitely going to like this.

She began to move, watching Beca’s face with concentrated fascination, feeling the way her hands locked around her, hearing the small muttered swearing that came from her.

If it was funny at first, it  _ wasn’t  _ now. She moved slowly and purposefully.

This might be her new favorite thing.

“Faster or slower? Is this okay?”

Beca tried to speak but her words came out slightly garbled. Chloe anticipated her response though and began to move faster.

Beca let out a loud, earth-shattering cry and her hands clamped around her neck, bringing her to her. Their kisses were wet, out of sync but Chloe didn’t care, she loved it.

“Oh fuck, Bec, oh god.” She had no idea. She hadn’t had any idea at all that it would feel like this.

She felt Beca’s hand close around the back of the harness, pulling and without thinking Chloe moved faster.

“Shit, Chlo!” Beca cried, “Je-Jesus Christ - are you  _ kidding me? _ ”

“ _ What? _ ”

“Too fast, too-”

“Oh god!” Chloe slowed, panicked.

“No, not you!” Beca growled, giving the harness a yank. “Too soon, too-”

Chloe grinned, smirking as she understood, “I guess - I guess I’m okay at this?” She watched the way Beca’s body moved, her breath so fast that her head was spinning a little as she moved with Beca, igniting a little more each time their bodies grazed.

And then Beca was shattering apart. Chloe watched in wonder as she wrapped her arms around her, the heels of her feet digging into the bed so Beca’s lower half lifted into hers. “Fuck,Bec.” She held her face, holding it so she could watch.

She really liked this. Her lips brushed against everything she could reach, her eyes, her lips, her cheeks, moving madly, panting in amazement. She watched Beca gasp and fall, her body going limp but Chloe was there, taking a deep kiss.

Beca laughed, her smile so large that her dimples popped. It made Chloe kiss her again, hungry.

It was addicting and she couldn’t stop. There was no way she would ever stop again. She pulled back and slowly pushed back in - and Beca’s laughter died immediately.

 

She had no idea how long they had been at it, she had no idea how many times she had felt Beca come apart under her, or how many positions Beca let her try but suddenly the doorbell was going off downstairs, slicing through her fog filled brain.

“They can come back.” Chloe moaned, the unquenchable fire in her lower belly pushing her forward as she rolled.

She thought that this was her favorite.

She had tried Beca on her stomach, she had Beca on her knees, but like this, flat on her back their arms around one another’s necks as she slid against her, she thought this was her favorite. She loved how close to her face she could be, she loved how  _ there _ she was, their slick cheeks pressing.

“Fuck! Fuck! Chlo! Chlo!  _ Chloe! _ ”

“What?” She pulled back a little, her face sweat stained. Who needed yoga or running? They just needed to do this for an hour every day.

Oooooh, she liked that thought.

“That’s - oh shit - uuuh - that’s - fuck, stop for a minute so - so - so I can  _ talk! _ ”

Chloe just shook her head, pressing harder, moving faster, completely lost in her Beca’s responses, in the way that she was wrapped around her, in the pleasure she was giving her.

“Fuck! So - fucking - goddamn it- so close –  _ again  _ \- but - but -”

Chloe pushed on, moaning along with her, a hand going to Beca’s hip to hold her in place.

“Chlo, that’s - that - ” Her hands were tightening in Chloe’s hair, drawing her closer to her, telling her just how close to her next orgasm she really was.

The doorbell rang again and Chloe pushed deeper, cupping the hip possessively.

“Fuck - fuck - fuck - Chlo - fuck - fuck,” Beca cried with each thrust, “that’s  _ Nick _ \- remember?”

Chloe froze.

“NO! FUCK!” Beca cried, her teeth sinking into Chloe’s shoulder. “Are you kidding me right now,” she sobbed out.

“That’s Nick?” Through the haze of Beca’s moans she remembered, oh shit, he was supposed to show up just before dinner time. Fuck! He was here to help her move tomorrow morning.

Oh god!

The doorbell went off just as her cell phone began to ring.

“Oh shit!” Beca laughed, ducking like he would somehow see them through it.

The words finally fully sank in. Nick? Oh shit, Nick! She shoved away, like a caught teenager who had just heard a car door downstairs; apologizing over and over, her mind still too muddled to really process much of anything.

Beca just rolled off of the bed, and hit the floor, groaning as Chloe tried to get the contraption off of her hips with no success.

“Oh my god, I’m stuck!”

Beca barked out a laugh and scooted over to her.

Chloe was momentarily distracted by the sight of Beca on her knees before her, her own light lipstick smeared across Beca’s cheek and once again Beca must have known it because her eyebrow perked. And then the harness was sliding off of her.

Panicked she turned, ready to throw on whatever clothing was near but Beca grabbed her hips and gave her one, strong, purposeful lick exactly where Chloe would give anything to be touched just then. The sound that Chloe let out was so loud that it ricocheted off the walls.

Her legs nearly gave out, already tired from their afternoon. “You  _ asshole! _ ” she cried as Beca hopped away, grabbing a towel and heading for the shower. “Shit!” Chloe growled, loving the playful look in Beca’s eye.

The doorbell peeled again and she let out a loud, “I’M  _ COMING! _ ”

“Not right now!” Beca called from behind the closed door.

Oh my god, she was going to  _ kill _ her!

She threw on her clothes, furiously but found that she was kind of smiling.

Okay, so she kind of loved it.

She paused, wondering if she had time to retaliate in some way. “You better not do what I think you’re going to do in there!”

“What? Whhyyyyy?” Beca whined. “I was  _ so _ close!”

“Hey!” She caught Beca just before she got into the shower, grabbing her by the wrists and sucking lightly on one of her knuckles, “If I don’t get to then you don’t get to.”

“We could just leave him down there for like, I dunno, twenty minutes.”

Chloe opened her mouth to argue but paused, debating it as her body ached. She really could though. Nick would be in a blind panic by then, assuming something was wrong but she was still kind of angry with him. She bit her lip, totally ready to let him wait when the doorbell went off again.

“Damn it.”

She turned and stormed from the room.

Beca laughed as the water clicked on and she let out a long playful moan that shot straight to Chloe’s core.

She froze mid step; damn it!

Making sure she was as situated as possible she began bartering with her body as she flew down the stairs, begging it to cool, begging it to calm.

“Nick!” she cried as she threw open the door, mentally scolding.

His eyebrows pulled together as he gave her a skeptical once over, “Do I even want to know why you’re so winded?”

She all at once felt her heaving chest, her sweat covered forehead and without any hesitation announced, “Yoga!”

 

****

 

Beca was glad she had showered when she walked downstairs a few minutes later.

Chloe and Nick were in the kitchen, Chloe making herself a don’t-let-my-stomach-get-too-empty snack. The redhead looked like she had just returned from a run in the hot summer sun. The flush had left her cheeks...mostly...but her hair, which had been left down during their - afternoon - had grown wild, doubling in size and Beca could still see a sheen of sweat that hadn’t totally dried.

It made Beca’s face stretch into a grin. She was going to be sore, she knew that, but that had been - god, Chloe never stopped surprising her - every time she thought that she knew how Chloe was going to play something, nope, she did something totally different. Chloe was really enthusiastic in bed, she already knew that but she would  _ never _ have expected her to lose herself like she had.

Chloe Beale: the woman always kept her on her toes and Beca fucking loved that.

She grinned again as blue eyes flashed to her, filled with so many unspoken things and it only made Beca happier, even going as far as to make her greeting to Nick a little more pleasant than it would normally be, “Hey Nick.”

He looked up and gave her half a smile, “Hey Beca. How are you?”

“Good!” She was surprised when he pulled her into a quick hug.

Okaaaayyyy…

Apparently, Beca just needed to have really satisfying, though perhaps incomplete sex, with Chloe more often before Nick came over because though Chloe excused herself for a quick shower - and Nick followed Beca outside as she went for a smoke - Beca found she only kind of hated him.

Maybe it was just knowing what his wife –  _ former _ wife - had just been doing to her, maybe it was her ability to bite down on her cigarette filter as she remembered Chloe’s face, lost as she moved, as she pulled strange animal-like noises from Beca that should have embarrassed her - okay, kind of did, but also - yeah, not really. Chloe had been making them too.

She was pretty sure that her favorite noise Chloe made was no longer only her singing...

God, Chloe was awesome.

Like - how was it even possible?

“You want one?” She offered him the pack, surprised with herself as she did it. She really didn’t hate him right now. What the shit was that?

She found that impressive since the last thing she had heard from him had been him yelling at Chloe over the phone.

Hmmm. Okay. That did it.

She hated him again.

He frowned at the offered cigarettes and seemed to debate it for a minute before he shook his head, “No, I better not.”

Beca shrugged and gave him a side glance. “Why are you smiling? Like, shouldn’t you still be all uber dick mode like you were the other day? Like, I don’t even get why you’re here.”

“I don’t think being mad that Chloe signed a lease without talking to me makes me a dick.”

“Yeah well.” She shrugged and let the sentence fade.

“You’re right. I’m not mad. Not right now. She has time.” He shrugged, “We will talk again closer to her due date.”

“Right.” Beca scratched the inside of her nose with her thumbnail, biting back what she really wanted to say. She knew he was a good guy under it all. Of course he was. But, god, he really was a dick.

“So look, Beca, what I said when you were in Henderson.”

Beca’s stomach gave a surprised and highly uncomfortable leap.

“That was out of line.”

She stared, flabbergasted. Since  _ when _ did Nick apologize for being a jerk to her? Chloe, yeah, but that was not really their thing. “Um.”

“Yeah, anyway, I didn’t mean it.”

“Errrr, right, yeah, okay.”

He nodded awkwardly, “So um, where are we going for dinner?”

Beca grabbed onto the far more comfortable topic, “I dunno, we’ll have to ask Chlo.”

But Chloe didn’t seem any more sure than they were.

“Let’s check out that new brewery, maybe?” Beca suggested, trying hard to look into Chloe’s face and not remember how it had looked an hour before, concentrating with a cat-like focus on every twitch of Beca’s as she moved. Which of course was fucking impossible. “I heard, err,” oh come on Bec, get it together, “I heard it was kinda cool. Seems like something you would like Nick.” She watched Chloe’s knowing grin spread, and blushed because she was so caught. Rolling her eyes, she turned to Nick, “What do you think, Nickie?”

“I thought you didn’t drink beer.”

She shrugged.

 

* * *

 

“Bleh, ugh, this is terrible! I don’t get it, how can you like this? It tastes the way the alleys behind dive bars smell. Like piss and, I dunno, decay and maybe a little sadness.”

“Oh yeah?” Nick laughed around his burger, “You have a lot of piss tasting experience?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know, buddy,” she grumbled, taking another long drink from her glass. She had wanted whiskey, she had planned on whiskey but Nick had insisted she at least  _ try _ it since they were in a brewery. And then he had given her that stupid challenging smile that he did sometimes and she had given in, refusing to back down to  _ Nick _ .

But nope. She still hated this.

Fuck it.

She downed a bit more, let out a shiver and went back to her food.

It was - weird but she kind of wasn’t hating dinner right now.

I mean, Nick was - Nick - but it was kind of - fine? Maybe?

Chloe was in a good mood; a great mood even. It seemed that the high spirits brought on by their afternoon had been tipped into happy, giddy Chloe when Nick hadn’t been a total asshole to her. She was happily munching on her food, bouncing a little in place as she laughed.

Even Nick seemed happy.

Fucking weird. This whole year had been so fucking weird.

“You’re crazy, Beca, this is good beer.”

“I think we have had this exact conversation about wine, Nick,” Chloe teased.

“Yeah well, I’m not so sure I would do any better with the wine either.” Beca shrugged and grinned up at Chloe when she felt her foot nudge hers. “Now whiskey - I could tell you all about that.”

“Oh yeah? Is there really that much of a difference?”

“Seriously? You’re kidding, right? More than this has!” She held up the glass and drained it, trying not to giggle as Chloe began a game of footsies with her.

Fuck, she liked that woman.

“I think you just need to be educated.” Nick sighed, mournfully.

“In beer? Whoaaaa, buddy, you think I need to be educated in  _ beer? _ ”

“That’s right, Bec, you needs to be edumacated.”

Beca just blinked at him, not sure how to respond to that.

“Hi,” he gave the server a wide grin, “I’ll have another glass of the IPA and she’ll have a glass of the stout.”

“What? Nu-uh!” She cried her mouth full of food but the server was already gone.

“Live a little. We’ll see who can finish their glass first.”

“What are we at a kegger?”

Nick just shrugged, that same challenge issuing from him.

“Uh oh Bec,” Chloe giggled, obviously euphoric as to how the night was going and giving her a particularly playful nudge of her foot, “I think he’s calling you out.”

Nick just gave another shrug and Beca glared, weirdly amused.

“Alright, fine then, asshole.”

A few minutes later a glass was set in front of her, dark and frothy. Beca frowned, why did she get the sudden feeling that Nick was fucking with her?

“Cheers.”

She sighed, grabbing the glass and clinking it with his.

Nick immediately began to down his and, refusing to be left behind, Beca took a huge sip, “UGHAAACK! UGH! FUCK!” It tasted like soapy ass. “The fuck, dude!”

“He’s gonna beat you!” Chloe cried, teasing. “You can’t let him beat you, Bec.”

“Hey! Who’s side are you on?” She glared but she tilted her head back and let the liquid slide down, grimacing.

Of course Nick slammed his empty glass down first, standing so he could jump in the Rocky pose of triumph.

“Okay, whatever dude. What the hell did you put in my drink? It’s dishwater, isn’t it? You just told them to put dishwater in a glass and I just drank it, huh?”

Nick bellowed out a laugh and waved for the server.

“I swear to god dude, if you order me another-” but Nick had already given the woman a hand motion for another round. “So, like, um, were  you always a dick or, I dunno, did that hit during puberty when you got acne?”

“I guess it comes naturally.”

She rolled her eyes but it was hard to be too annoyed when Chloe was giving her that happy kind of smile.

“So Chlo.” Nick shoved a few more fries into his mouth, “I was thinking,”

“Okaaaay.” Chloe’s eyebrows pulled together, gathering herself for the fight.

“Isla.”

Beca and Chloe exchanged a look.

“Or Adeline.”

“Oh, that’s right!” Beca smacked herself lightly on the forehead, “Chlo, I totally forgot that you’re having a ninety-year-old woman!”

“Hey, those names are classic!”

“I don’t know if names work like cars, I don’t think they get more precious the older they get.”

“What do you guys think about Hazel?” Chloe asked, her nose slightly twerked.

Beca scowled and shook her head, Nick copying the motion, “Hard pass.”

“I think it’s pretty.”

Beca laughed, “You’re pretty.”

Okay, wait, that beer was going to her head.

But she looked up to see Chloe beaming.

“You know what name I like?” Beca took a large pull from her new glass and scowled, having forgotten what was in it, “Ugh. Gaaaugh, ugh, blegh! Abigail.”

“Awe.” Chloe cooed.

“Nooo, no way!”

“Oh come on, dude, have you like  _ ever  _ met an Abby that wasn’t totally adorable?”

“But  _ Abby? _ You made fun of me for old lady names and then suggested Abby?”

Beca scoffed, “You just don’t like it because I do.”

“Not true.” He pointed until he was almost poking her in the chest, “I’ll have you know that you’re kind of okay now that I’m no longer trying to keep you from sleeping with my wife.”

“What?” Beca gasped, somewhere between laughing and shock.

“Oh come on!” Nick shook his head a little from side to side, “You never dated. Like anyone. And you haaaated me! Obvious lesbian.”

“Did you ever think that it doesn’t take lesbianism to think you’re kind of a prick?” She wondered idly if they were heading into a fight instead of snarky bickering.

“Whatever.” He took a deliberate bite of his burger and then spoke through a mouthful, “Clearly I was right anyway though!”

“ _ Ooooooor _ ,” she took her own bite, “You just lost.  _ Boom _ . Oooooh, snap! What about that? Yeah. Sour grapes? Maybe just a little bit? Sour grapes? Yeah?”

To Beca’s surprise, Nick’s laughter was loud and full bellied, starling a few guest around them.

“You know what - what is a good name though?” He finished off his beer and gave her an accusing look. She rolled her eyes and drank hers down. “Molly. Oh, come on!” He cried when they both made faces, “Little Molly? That’s adorable. The name sounds like a little girl with pigtails.”

“Yeah, but what happens later when she wants to take the pigtails out and, I don’t know, do pretty much anything that doesn’t require pigtails? Like sex, maybe? Her name will still be Molly, dude.”

Chloe laughed, her hands covering her mouth as she watched Nick splutter and garble. “I think you broke him.”

“Yeah, I think I did too! High five.”

Chloe rolled her eyes, but she felt the foot tease against hers again.

 

Sooo, Beca and Nick might have had one too many by the end of the night. In truth, yeah, if she were being honest, she might have had one too many way earlier in the evening.

And it had been...fun.

Which - she was never going to tell anyone that - but it had been fun.

They had spent the night after their talk of names laughing and teasing Chloe and for the first time in years Beca kind of enjoyed Nick. She didn’t enjoy the reason he was here...like...at all..but she was doing her best not to think about that. No, she couldn’t - wouldn’t let herself think about that.

But Nick was kind of funny drunk. She had forgotten that. She had forgotten that any outing with the three of them had always gone best with a little alcohol involved.

Chloe drove them home, grinning as Beca and Nick sang stupid 90’s pop songs for her amusement. Beca loving the way her blue eyes flashed to her each time that Beca took the lead.

“Alright drunk number one, can you find your bedroom?”

“I’m not that drunk!” Nick cried, tripping over flat carpet.

“Uh huh.”

“Beca’s way more drunker than I am. She’s so small!”

Beca gasped, “You know what asshole,” Chloe caught her before she could launch herself at him, “Hey wait, wait, wait, why does  _ he _ get to be number one?”

“Because Be-c-a, I came first.”

“Actually dude, if you want to be accurate, I kind of came first.” Beca snickered, “Well, she cam-”

“Oooookay!” Chloe cried over Beca’s words, making Beca laugh harder, “I love you both very much, how is that?”

Both Nick and Beca grumbled.

“Which - which way do I go?” Nick spun in a circle.

“Which way did he go, George, which way did he go?” Beca mimicked the old cartoon as she started pushing Nick up the stairs.

“Hey, wha, hey! I re-I re-that is not what I sound like, Beca!”

Beca just gave a slightly drunken chuckle and moved past him toward her room, “Don’t choke on your tongue tonight, Nickie. We need you to carry the heavy stuff.”

She was pretty sure there was a response but she couldn’t hear it, her shirt already halfway over her head.

“Tonight was fun.” She heard Chloe’s light voice behind her, closing the bedroom door.

Beca let out a squawk, kicking as she flopped down on the bed and finally got her shirt off. “You, don’t you laugh - at me! This,” she waved her hand at herself, “is your husband’s fault.”

“Soon to be ex-husband,” Chloe insisted with a far too adorable scrunchy face.

Beca snickered, “Oh yeah. That’s right.” She stood and threw her arm around Chloe’s waist.

“What’s so funny?” Chloe asked as she pulled Beca into the bathroom and put toothpaste on both of their toothbrushes.

“Oh, nothing. He’s just going in there to sleep alone and I’m going in here to sleep with you!” She snickered again, bouncing off the wall, “Never thought that was how this would have turned out.”

“Oooh, you’re going in there to sleep with me, huh?”

The tone of Chloe’s voice stopped her in her tracks, a little bit of toothpaste falling to her chest. She blinked and then gave a large drunken grin.

Chloe let out a snort.

Beca groaned as she crawled into bed, flopping down on her face. Why was bed so much more comfortable when you were a little - okay more than a little - drunk?

The light clicked off and suddenly she could feel Chloe sprawled across her back. She hummed with satisfaction as she felt her breath pass over her ear.

“Bec?”

“Hmm?”

“I want to do it again.”

Beca’s mouth popped open, “What?” But oooooh, goosebumps were crawling all over her body in anticipation.

So yeah, she knew that Chloe liked to talk dirty, she had learned that well enough but listening to her whisper what she wanted to do to her now - fuck, her hands balled into tight fists against the blankets and her toes cured until she thought the muscles would strain. Holy shit. Hooooly shit, wow. She turned her face into the sheets, pressing into it even though she couldn’t breathe because somehow that felt less hot than the air around her.

She opened her mouth to speak, if she could, but Chloe teasingly licked the shell of her ear and all words were stolen from her. She heard Chloe’s warm giggle and bit her lip. Her face buried further into the bed, letting out an overstimulated moan.

“Nick? He’s literally in the next room.”

Chloe shushed her and whispered, “We’ll be really, really quiet.”

“I don’t know if I can!” She cried, her voice shrill, “I’m not sure if I can walk properly, let alone do that again.”

Chloe’s head fell to her shoulder, purring, her hands bunching in Beca’s hair and despite her protests, she rolled over and caught her lips.

Fuck.

Fuck.

_ Fuck. _

This fucking woman.

She moaned without meaning to as Chloe began to needily touch her.

“Bec, after this afternoon, god,  _ please, please _ touch me. That is,” she gave her an impish grin, “if you can handle it, drunkie.”

Beca moaned again, not bothering to pull off her clothes, just pushing up her shirt and bra, taking her nipple into her mouth in one fluid motion.

“Yeah,” Chloe cried, “like that. Mmm Bec,”

Jesus.

It wasn’t like she had totally agreed to this, not like she wouldn’t have, but suddenly she found Chloe wrapped around her, moaning silently together as Beca touched her.

 

* * *

 

All of that, it had all been so freaking awesome. It had all been so great.

So this...it felt like taking a step backward.

That was the thing. It felt like taking a step away from what Beca wanted them to be.

It felt like she was - leaving her.

Okay. There. She said it. This felt like Chloe was leaving her. It felt like she was cutting herself off, a little at a time. The first in a series of bad steps.

But Beca just smiled as she grabbed another box from the U-haul and carried it inside, putting it into the room it was labeled after.

She was doing a good job. She was almost proud of herself. She had gotten so much better at swallowing it down, pushing it deep so that it could fester out of sight. No big deal. She was good. She was fine. That seemed to really help them get past their awkward weirdness.

Chloe moving out today was not a freaking step away from her. She knew that. She kept telling herself that. But.

Chloe danced by, carrying a box of dishes and humming, her head bopping to the song that was only in her head.

Fuck.

She looked so fucking happy.

Beca rolled her eyes.

She needed to stop.

This was just her doing that Beca thing, freaking out over nothing, being selfish. Everything was fine. This was no big deal. Like, at all!

She grabbed another box, groaning as she carried it in.

Chloe was happy.

That was what was important.

The ache around her heart gave a selfish little throb and she pushed it away.

Chloe. Was. Happy. That was all that mattered, dude. Get over it.

It had taken them most of the morning and afternoon to run around, get the U-haul, pack it, get the apartment keys and get to the place; so it was nearing dinner time already.

She hated that. She hated that evening was coming because she would have to go.

“Hey Bec,”

Beca jumped, guilty in her thoughts and clicked on the most natural smile she could.

Chloe appeared out of the doorway, her hands falling to Beca’s arm and then taking the box from her.

“Wait, no, that’s - that’s heavy.” Beca tried uselessly but Chloe had already taken it from her and put it down.

“I was thinking of calling that raw place for takeout, what do you think?”

Nick let out a laugh, carrying a box past them, “I’m so glad I don’t have to eat that shit anymore.”

Chloe picked up and threw a pillow at him.

“Yeah, I’m down,” Beca gave half a shrug.

It was all just happening so fast. She announced that she was looking, then they were looking together, then she had a place and then packing and moving and now...there were only a few boxes left and then suddenly there were none and she was closing up the U-haul.

She was trying hard not to freak out.

Like really freak out.

She had done such a good job.

She was so proud of herself. 

She hated herself.

She locked the truck and then glanced around, bewildered.

So that was done.

With the boxes successfully inside they started on other things, she and Nick began to put together her bedframe, knowing the bed would be delivered in a few hours, while Chloe cleaned the kitchen and began to put things away, singing as she worked.

It was awesome how happy she was, super freaking awesome.

She kept reminding herself of that as she silently worked.

It was so good. She wanted nothing more than for Chloe to be happy. Really. This was a good thing. And Chloe wasn’t disappearing. She wasn’t. Chloe would never disappear.

She couldn’t help but to smile as she heard Chloe begin to sing the Bellas arrangement from Beca’s freshman year of college.

“Are you sure that she’s totally safe in this neighborhood?” Nick scowled as she tried to piece the bed together.

“I thought she wasn’t staying. According to you anyway.”

“Yeah, but I would really like it if she didn’t die before then.”

Beca scoffed, far more irritated by that than she should be. “What, do you think I would just let her go somewhere she wasn’t fucking safe?” Yes, she knew that had been bitchy and she didn’t even fucking care.

“No, I’m just asking! It’s my job to ask.”

Beca glared. _Is it?_ _Is it really though?_ “Look, I’m not any fucking happier about this than you are, ‘kay?”

He laughed, baited, “But I thought you were all kinds of happy about this. She’s staying in L.A.”

She glared. Yeah, but you can lose someone within the same city limits. It had happened before. “You know what would be like freaking golden? Silence.”

He just shrugged.

She really didn’t feel like fighting with him right now. She didn’t feel like anything now.

No.

Wait.

Not true.

She could really go for a whole bottle of Jack.

Chloe walked in and Beca clicked on a giant grin. “Everything alright?”

“What? Yeah, totally.” Beca smiled up at her, “Your bed is just a pain in the ass. Explain to me why you couldn’t have gotten an easier bedframe? Like, maybe one from the Jetson’s where you press a button and ta-da, bed!”

Chloe gave a laugh but Nick was watching her ramble in a way she didn’t like, “Are you guys thirsty?”

“Got any beer?” Nick asked and Beca glared.

Dinner was delivered soon after and the three sat on the living room floor to eat.

She watched Chloe, a little dizzy, not really adding much to the conversation about baby names.

She liked the way that Chloe had flopped down next to her though and had kissed her cheek when she handed her the food. She liked the way that Chloe’s ankles were tossed carelessly over her own.

“Hello?” Beca blinked, realizing belatedly that Chloe’s phone had just gone off, cutting off their conversation. Beca watched, chewing hard through the kale that she always promised herself Chloe couldn’t get her to eat again and yet somehow Chloe always got her to eat again. Her eyebrows pulled together as Chloe’s cheeks instantly flushed and she jumped up, moving from the room.

“Dude,” Nick groaned, “if there’s some problem with the mattress again then I vote you have to deal with it.”

Beca ignored him. She wasn’t all that concerned, Chloe had gotten a few calls like that recently and they had all been from the Cavanaugh lawyer.

“ _ Beca! _ ”

She was stumbling to her feet in a second, caught off guard as Chloe suddenly plowed into her, nearly knocking her right back over. “FUCK!” How many years had it been? How did this still surprise her so much?

“I GOT AN INTERVIEW!”

“What? Where?” Beca cried, happily accepting the kisses that Chloe was covering her face in.

“At a school! Oh my god!”

Fuck, she was glowing again. Beca couldn’t help but to smile back at her, entranced by her grin. She looked so fucking happy, she looked like she was getting everything she wanted from life.

Chloe let out another excited scream and Beca tensed, laughing but ready for Chloe to make the usual leap that would mean she needed to hold them both up. Instead, she received a fast kiss on the lips before Chloe let go and threw her arms around Nick.

She blinked a few times, that’s right, Nick was there too. But then Chloe threw herself back at her, chattering away about the details and Beca felt a quick bubble of smug in her stomach.

So - she wouldn’t say ‘I love you’, she wouldn’t call her a girlfriend - but she did run to her first so - that was something.

That thought was enough to carry Beca through the rest of the evening, floating on a happy cloud, her spirits lifted significantly.

Chloe’s bed was delivered and Beca enjoyed the moment when she had snuck up behind her and whispered that they would have to break it in soon. Chloe gave a hard shudder, biting her lip. She had packed it down well, smiling, giving Chloe the night she knew that Chloe wanted.

Of course it was Nick who fucked it up.

“Let’s go shopping for baby stuff!”

They were standing in the living room looking around for what else needed to be done that night. Beca had her arms wrapped around Chloe from behind so she felt the moment that Chloe went tense.

“What? No, I don’t think so, Nick.”

“Oh come on!” He grinned and tossed his arm around her shoulders, nearly clocking Beca in the face, “Jenny’s mom basically gave us everything we’re going to need, let me be a part of it.”

She heard Chloe’s small little intake of breath, “It’s too soon.”

“Too soon for what?”

Beca frowned, brushing her lips against Chloe’s shoulder, feeling her back muscles turning into rocks. She knew what the problem was going to be even before Chloe’s voice came out of her, soft and a little embarrassed. Fucking Nick, he had been so out of it that he probably didn’t even know this was a problem.

“It’s too soon to get baby things.”

He laughed, “No it’s not. Come on, you’ll have so much fun.”

Beca frowned, he really wasn’t understanding, was he? How had they stayed together through three years of marriage without Nick understanding Chloe’s veiled language?

“I really don’t want to, Nick. I’m sorry, but,”

He paused, looking her over.

There you go, buddy. Good job. Beca closed her arms a little tighter, offering support and knowing it was a fine line, anymore agitation and the pressure around her would be too much.

“Oh,” his eyebrows pulled together, “wait, you  _ can’t  _ mean you’re still nervous you’re going to miscarry.”

“Most people don’t start shopping until their third trimester,” Chloe said with a matter of fact nod.

“Chlo, come on! You’re so far away, I just want to be a part of this. You already fucking moved into an apartment, don’t take this too.”

Sure enough, just as Beca knew she would, Chloe pushed away needing to feel less constricted, “It’s not like that! You will be. I’m just not ready.”

“That’s okay, Chlo,” Beca promised, giving Nick a hard shut-the-fuck-up stare.

“Okay. Fine. Whatever.” He glared back. “I’m tired anyway, I think I’ll head back to the hotel. I got too drunk to check in last night, anyway, so I want to make sure it’s not too late.”

“Nick.” Chloe frowned, her arms crossing as her lips awkwardly twisted.

“No, it’s alright, Chlo. I’ll see you in the morning?”

Beca glared. What was he fifteen?

“Yeah,” Beca could hear the guilt in Chloe’s voice, “totes.”

He kissed her forehead and then gave Beca a wave.

“Bye, Nick.”

Beca watched her close the door, her face heavy. “Hey, it’s alright. Seriously, don’t worry about it. He’s just being an asshole.”

“I know.” She sighed, wrapping her arms around her neck and hugging her close. “Thanks for being here today. Thanks for helping me.”

“What?” Beca’s heart fluttered, that special ‘Chloe must be near me’ feeling making her crazy for a second. “Of course. You know I got you.” Beca teased.

“I know,” Chloe smiled softly at her and kissed her cheek and then her lips.

Beca blinked, disoriented. “So look, uh, I’m gonna, yeah, I’m gonna go too. Give you the first night in your place to yourself.”

“What? No, don’t go!”

“Oh come on, this is your own space. Christen it with naked dancing and TV.” Beca chewed her lip, “On second thought maybe I will stay.”

In truth, it was getting to the point where she needed to go.

Chloe rolled her eyes, pressing their foreheads together, “You’re amazing, you know.”

Beca just chuckled, unsure of what to say so she gave her another quick kiss and grabbed her things, “Have fun. Call me if you need me.”

She wasn’t running, was she? No, she just kinda wanted to get out of there, that was all.

“Okay. I will.”

Beca paused, glancing over her shoulder at her and laughed when Chloe pulled her in for another kiss. “Errr, right, ‘kay. Bye.”

She drove back home without any music, feeling as though her facial muscles she had been forcing all day were going to revolt soon. She stretched her jaw and massaged her cheeks for a second.

She had done well. Really she had.

But.

She hadn’t been alone like this for a while. She blinked, realizing the truth in that statement as she let the I-swear-I’m-happy-for-my-best-friend bullshit drop away.

She moved slowly through the lobby, taking a little too long to unlock her front door.

This wasn't a big deal. It wasn't. It really wasn't!

“Honey, I’m home.” She called to no one and scoffed; a wave of depression rolling through her. Was it just her or had the condo suddenly grown in size?

She dragged herself sluggishly up the stairs and toward her bedroom, feeling the strong need for sweatpants. She changed, spending a few minutes on her phone ordering a junk food delivery and then rose, unsure of what to do. She could go upstairs and tinker but she didn’t really want to. So she turned, planning on heading back downstairs but paused just outside her door.

With a sigh, she pushed open the door across from her own.

Of course Chloe had left it spotless, the bed linens washed and the bed made, the carpet with perfect vacuum treads in it.

She stared, feeling her heart sinking like a stone into her stomach.

Chlo was gone. She had left. Willingly. Had left.

Shit.

She closed the door fast, not wanting to look at it. Instead, she went downstairs, waiting for her bag of potato chips, clicked on the TV and cuddled down, holding a pillow to her.

It was fine.

It didn’t mean anything at all.

It was fine.

No big deal.

She was fine.

She kept telling herself this over and over, ignoring the stinging in her eyes.

  
  



	9. Chapter 9

Care reminder: Talk of death and overdosing

* * *

 

_She watched from afar, somewhere high and away and yet - not away enough - never away enough. She watched herself walk into the bathroom, her nose twitching at the smell as it always did. As a rule, she tried to avoid this place, it was, well it was totally nasty like every other club bathroom in the world was - though maybe this one was somehow worse than most. She was sure that if some super strain of an illness emerged that would wipe out the population, ground zero would be a seedy club bathroom in Westwood._

_She could smell the sharp scent of ineffectual disinfectant that only mildly covered the scent of years and years of stale urine, vomit, and whatever else you found in tiny bathrooms like this - even from this far away and yet not far place she could smell it. She tried not to breathe through her nose but that only meant she tasted the scent instead. It was kind of a lose/lose. Why did_ she _have to come here for her kicks? It was gross. Only_ she _could find a room like this exciting. It was the kind of bathroom that you only used once you were too drunk to care anymore or so desperate that you were willing to face it - aka too drunk to care anymore. It wasn’t exactly a good hangout spot and yet, that was exactly what_ she _always did._ She _probably loved its grunginess. That sounded like her. Like,_ she _loved the disgustingness of the place because it’s level of gross gave her permission to call herself a mess - which was a title_ she _loved probably a little too much. No, not probably; definitely._ She _definitely loved that title too much. It was her whole thing._

_She took another step in, shifting at the last second and skipping to avoid a puddle of something that she decided to believe was water._

_She knew it wasn’t water._

_“Ugh, grooooossssss. Just - ugh, god damn it, was the toilet too far away? Was it difficult or somet- ugh, whatever. I’m talking to myself. Awesome. Great. Hun? Hunny?”_

_She could feel her far away self, could distantly hear her muttered thoughts, her mental swearing, her desperation to get back, to get home because -_ Chloe _was waiting for her. She could feel her distaste for the room and her general unhappiness about who she was looking for._

_It made her stomach sick._

_This was literally the last place that Beca would want to have sex and yet_ _she had. More than once._

 _That was kind of_ her _thing. Which...yeah..._

_“Hunny? Dude, where the fuck did you go?” She rolled her eyes about to turn away, thankful she wasn’t going to have to investigate this place further when she heard a noise, a light, airy moan._

_Oh. Random sex noises from a bathroom stall? Well, guess she had found her._

_Uuuuugh, foul._

_She was fine. Clearly she was fine but, though she had begun to turn away, she stopped. She could see a foot protruding slightly from the stall and the tall spiked heel was one she knew._

_“Hun?” She knocked on the stall door and heard nothing in response._

_She watched as she frowned, her hand hovering over the plastic stall door, ready to knock again._

_Everything began to cloud as she watched, filling with noxious fear lined smoke, painting the room in a darkness like wine._

_“Hun. Open up. I just wanna,” the foot slid out a little further, but - there was no way, no, it was not like she was standing, it was tilted to the side like, was she  - sitting? Why the hell would she be sitting on the floor in here of all places? Okay,_ she _might like to call herself grungy but she was far too much of a fashionista for that. No way_ she _would sacrifice whatever she was wearing._

_It annoyed her that she knew that._

_From her place far away, panic gripped her chest, terror like an ice cold fist and a pressing need for her to hurry was blinding as she watched herself lean down, almost casually, and glance under the door._

_Then she heard her own, “Oh my god!” and there were tears, tears pouring down her face, tears smudging the darkness. Move faster! Go,_ go! _Why aren’t you moving?_

_She watched her slide under the door, moaning as she slid through something foul smelling and wet, and then they were both in the little room, squished between the two of them and the filthy toilet._

_“Oh my god, guys!”_

_She heard the small slapping; she could still feel it’s stinging in her palm, “Hunny. Hunny! Wake up! Shit! Fuck!”_

_A small cry ripped through the stall as Hunny almost flinched. Almost._

_She could hear her swearing, she could smell the putrid mess she was leaning in. She felt it, just like she had then, heard it, smelled it, when Hunny lolled forward and brought more of her stomach contents up and onto her shirt, soaking it._

_Just like then, though, she barely noticed through the shock - through the panic, her eyes turning toward the pasty pale face of the man beside her._

_Everything turned red. She couldn’t breathe, there was air in this darkness but she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t think. HELP HIM! STOP JUST SITTING THERE! DO SOMETHING, DON’T YOU SEE?! DO SOMETHING!_

_She watched as she reached forward and poked his chin with two fingers, her eyes distrustful. When nothing happened she reached forward and - what else was she going to do - slapped his face, hard, trying to get him to move. She watched her shove him, shake him, yelling “dude, wake up! What the fuck, wake up!” She watched as she didn’t notice his skin under her hands or the pool she was in. She watched as her friend was sick again, this time something foamy and bubbly like old dishwater. She watched as her attention slowly pulled back to the bottle-redhead and away from him._

_TRY HARDER! DO SOMETHING! YOU IDIOT, HE’S DYING!_

NOOOO! DON’T JUST GIVE UP! YOU ASSHOLE, GO BACK! TRY HARDER! GO BACK! GO-

_She watched as she turned away, yelling, sobbing, her voice invisible here, not heard by the one person who could change it, who could fix it, who could do something - who had to do something._

_She beat her fist against the wall, screaming at herself as she reached down and tried to lift Hunny, tried to bring her to her feet._

_WHAT ARE YOU DOING! STOP, GO BACK, GO BACK, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!_

_She screamed and she screamed until her throat was raw but she watched as Beca only tried again to lift Hunny, slapping her face, slapping her hard enough to leave an indent of her ring and winced._

_And then Hunny’s knees buckled and they were falling - falling - falling._

 

* * *

 

She still wasn’t used to how freaking empty the condo felt - how freaking empty it actually was. It was like the disquiet of an empty museum or of a childless school. It was creepy and it was fucking with her head.

Then again - had the condo ever really been this empty? Before Chloe had shown back up in her life she had always had _someone_ around the place; Hunny, a friend needing a place to crash, party goers, artists from the label, a hookup - it had never been this empty.

It helped a little that she had been so busy over the last four days. She had kind of been keeping herself that way, honestly, which was ironic because that was exactly how she had gotten herself into those crazy past work hours in the first place. It had been right after Chloe had left - or she had left Chloe - or - ummm - whoever had left who, she had started agreeing to do anything, just so she didn’t have to be at home. It was no different now - kind of - sort of - minus the drinking - mostly. She and Emily had finished a handful of songs that they wanted to record, not the entire album but they had a good starting place which was awesome. Emily seemed really excited which Beca loved. This album was going to be freaking awesome, so much freaking better than her first and the first was - okay, could she say dope? Yeah, fuck it, she was just gonna do it. The album had been pretty freaking dope - _tight_ even. She had asked Emily if she wanted to start recording. Beca had been all about that but Emily had looked a little ill and insisted that she wanted to finish all the rest of the songs before they started, which, boo, and weird but alright. She could wait.

The plus? Grasshopper was getting a quicker makeover than anyone had anticipated since she stayed late every night to order and to design. When P.J. had asked why the hell she was working on it so hard instead of ‘taking her time and having fun with it’ she had simply shrugged and insisted she wanted to be ready before Kendra got there in January.

And just to make sure she was as busy as possible, she had also begun to work on the first tracks for Hope’s debut album, taking every consideration of her teenage years  and her parents. She wanted to create a new Miley Cyrus 1.0 not Miley Cyrus in her underwear and a ribbed tank, holding a mallet. P.J. seemed to approve of this sentiment as well. Kind of. When he was - being P.J….

Actually, to be honest P.J. was getting weird again. He kept hovering, not really watching her work but almost like he wanted to - hang out? Like suddenly he thought they were buddies or something which...yeah, it was weird and she wasn’t sure that she was down for it - at all. Even when she had been new to the company she had always been pretty independent from him. That was something that he liked about her. So this was kind of weirding her the hell out.

Plus, like, didn’t he tell her that she had wings? Or something like that? She was a bird, right? Or a tiger...or...something that was independent and could fly...or...maybe?

So why the hovering?

Though any freak out she had felt had been tripled when, the day after Chloe had moved he had shown up for ‘no real reason’, had sat his teetotaling ass down in her second chair - and begun talking about the importance of cloth diapers for a baby’s skin as opposed to Pampers. _‘Have you ever seen diaper rash, Bex? And I don’t mean a little redness next to that baby’s peepee, but I’m talking full on diaper rash.’_

Beca had looked up so fast that her Starbucks had dribbled down her chin. ‘Um -’ was all she had been able to think of to say, her chest aching as she tried hard not to laugh. Had he just said peepee? Why the hell had her boss just said peepee? There was literally no reason why her boss would ever say the word - words? - word ‘peepee’.

Why did it always feel like her life was constantly warring to out weird itself?

The strange just kept getting stranger too.

The next day when he plopped in the chair, that she hadn’t given him permission to lounge in, he had talked about whether or not it was important for the baby to sleep in the bed with its parents. _‘They’ve got some funky new name for it, co-something or other, I don’t know, I saw it on Ellen, but when I was a first time daddy they just called it common sense. I mean, have you seen some of these baby carriers these days? They have bassinets that hang from the ceiling. Just hang there like a piñata or something.’_

Today it had been about the fact that being a parent could be hard but you needed to make sure you were ‘always there for your kid’. _‘Take my youngest boy, John, he’s a real pain in the ass. I think that’s because by the time we had him we didn’t have time to watch him do the stupid shit kids do just because he wanted us to. It wasn’t personal, naw, we just had so many other kids!’_ She had frowned, finally ready to ask him _why_ the hell he kept talking to her about this stuff. It had been kind of entertaining, yeah, she had been holding in laughter each time he started, but it was also really weird. To be fair, she was usually only half listening, working on a track or filling out paperwork so that had been the first time she had really focused on P.J. and his weird new baby obsession. Which was why it had taken her this many days to understand the point and once she had gotten it...

He was giving her new daddy advice.

Suddenly it hadn’t been funny anymore.

Like. At all.

Not with the severe absence of Chloe.

Okay, maybe it was a little funny.

But not enough to be ha-ha funny.

Or enough to be anything other than stare at your boss like wtf, funny.

The problem was that no matter how busy she kept herself - and she was an expert at that - she always had to go home at night - to an empty condo, make food for one - again - and figure out what to do until it was bedtime. Which, had been really freaking hard. What had she done before? She had never watched a lot of TV, she had watched even fewer movies - so what had she done? Okay yeah, for a while the answer had been drinking, working and sex -- but before that? Apparently, she had killed a lot of brain cells with the whole drinking thing because she couldn’t freaking remember a time before that...because Chloe had been there, and the Bellas or Jesse or school work or the radio station. Because there had been drinking and sex - and before that there had been Chloe in L.A. and before that had been college.

Aaaaand...  

She hadn’t seen Chloe. Not once.

Which...well, she wasn’t surprised.

At all.

Like, it annoyed her how not surprised she was about that.

She knew this was how it was going to go but it still kind of blew. They had been texting - a lot - even constantly. Which was great. But. The problem was - Chloe had always made things better - she made Beca’s stupid brain stop being stupid - and with her sudden absence she was having thoughts - realizations that she so would rather not have. Chloe and her vibrant smile, her touches, her kisses, her laughter, it all kind of pushed that shit away, it stopped Beca from getting all, well, Beca-like. Even if the issues were totally kind of _real_ , like these ones were, Chloe’s presence could take them and shove them down, into a smaller size so she could deal with them - or ignore them, either way.

And she didn’t want to realize any of these things - but she really didn’t want to realize this _one._

The more that Chloe wasn’t around, the more she found herself lying in bed at night staring up at the ceiling, the more she realized that she _was_ waiting around for something that wasn’t coming.

It was beginning to seem obvious even.

She had gotten pretty good at waiting...maybe...she had gotten pretty good at telling herself that it _was_ coming but...maybe it, yeah no, it wasn’t coming.

Or at least that was what her brain was telling her.

She kept forcing herself to remember that night...the night after they had slept together the first time, the one where Chloe walked into her shower and then had turned the water onto cold when Beca had pissed her off enough. Chloe had been right that time, Beca had no reason to think any of those things. It had been totally in her head.

And this was too.

Probably.

Maybe.

Only.

If it was, then why hadn’t it happened?

She had kind of thought that Chloe loved her.

Which was weird.

Because she kind of didn’t think things like that.

It was kind of her thing.

 _If_ she thought about stuff like that - which she didn’t because it didn’t usually even occur to her - but _if_ she did then she should have - would have thought that there was no way that Chloe, freaking beautiful, wonderful _Chloe_ could love _her_. Well, no, Chloe loved her, like ‘o-m-g I love my best friend and the birds and the trees and you because I’m the glorious being that is Chloe Beale’ but like - not love her, love her.

Except every time Beca had that totally _logical_ thought there was this stupid voice in the back of her head that whispered that she might - she did - that Beca had seen it in her eyes.

And...she kind of didn’t think that Chloe was going to say it back - which was a thought that felt increasingly strange and weird. When she had thought it before Chloe had moved out, that had been - well, just a thought but now...

Beca hadn’t said it again, in any form, not at any point since she had said it the first time.

Fuck, she had to stop waiting. It was freaking depressing and so incredibly, embarrassingly lame.

This was why she _needed_ to get a Chloe fix and badly. She needed her to run these thoughts off before they took over. She could feel them working on it, their logic, their obviousness was cutting through her reserves. Because it didn’t make any sense that Chloe would anyway - it didn’t make sense. The thoughts, so much like common sense, were like ivy on the face of an old building.

Maybe.

Also.

Maybe if she hadn’t been so fucking _right._

She had tried to tell herself that this move had meant nothing, that nothing would change. Chloe had told her that nothing would change but she hadn’t believed it then and she didn’t believe it now.

Because it had. It did!

She had tried to tell herself that Chloe wasn’t stepping away from her.

But she hadn’t seen her in four days. When the fuck was the last time that she hadn’t seen her in four days? Literally never. If Chloe was in her life then she was there - always, like a super awesome and far too cute barnacle.

Nature - fate - whatever the fuck - had realized that it had made a mistake by putting Chloe in her bed and it was working now to right itself.

And her head - it felt like a cluster of brambles.

So she just worked harder.

And was kind of snappy.

‘Kay, maybe she was being kind of a bitch.

She was just so tired.

God, she was so tired. She was can’t-see-straight-Freddy-Krueger-must-be-coming-for-her kind of tired.

She didn’t know if it was that she had simply never dealt with this or if it was that suddenly her safety was _gone_ since no one was sleeping beside her but the dreams - it had happened twice now, dreams where she watched herself as she _did not_ save him, as she chose to take care of Hunny instead. She watched from a distance as though the whole thing was happening on some movie screen, untouchable. And though she knew she couldn’t do anything to break through, she couldn’t do anything to make it different, she still had to sit there, locked away as she struggled, fought, screamed.

It was wreaking havoc on her because the dreams came early in the night and kept her up until sunrise - and even when she didn't have them then she was up, worrying that she would if she fell asleep.

She didn’t - fucking - get it. She had thought that she was kind of - okay - in this area. Hunny was fine and off living life somewhere and Jeremy - well, she could never have gotten there early enough to save him; that wasn’t on her. She literally hadn’t even been in the room when he died. _It wasn’t on her._

And she had always known that.

So why was she having dreams that told her otherwise? Why did she keep feeling like she was the selfish asshole who had been fine, who had chosen to save her friend - who was the dick who hadn’t saved him?

Oh, and to top it all off - because that all wasn’t enough - she had been trying to give up smoking.

Because life wasn’t hard enough.

She knew Chloe was right, she needed to quit for her health - and she knew that Chloe would be tickled - if she ever saw her again.

But it sucked.

She would wake up in the middle of the night shaking, her pillow soaked with tears and the only thing she could think of to steady herself was a cigarette. Only, no, she was trying to do that adulting thing and take care of herself.

So instead, she had begun to work out.

At all hours.

This wasn’t totally new, she had been dabbling at it a little here and there but over the last four days she had thrown herself in - despite the fact that she hated all of it, hated every single freaking second of it.

She had stumbled through thirty minutes of cardio, hearing Aubrey’s criticizing voice in her head and wishing that she would be able to pull Chloe into the shower when she was done. It just wasn’t as fun without Chloe to enjoy afterward.

She had even run into Chase - or Chance - or Charlie - whatever the name of the dude who had asked Chloe to be his ‘yoga partner’ was. She didn’t really care. She had seen him come into her building’s gym that exact freaking morning, his arm muscles bulging and this cocky look on his face and she had wanted to throw her shoe at it. That desire had only gotten worse when he saw her, came over and - well, maybe it was just her but she thought it was fucking common decency to see someone struggling through a workout and to completely ignore it. That was the nice thing to do. If someone was struggling that badly then clearly there was a reason - like they smoked too much - and they were out of shape - and probably embarrassed by that since, you know, there was a time when she _could_ do this - about the same time when she was spending three hours dancing her ass off every day - back when she had been the captain of a successful a capella group and kind of awesome.

You know, way back then.

In that life.

But no, he hadn’t done that though. He had instead came over, put his arm up on the monitor of the machine so his hairy armpit was far too close to her face and had spent a second laughing before he asked why he hadn’t seen Chloe in a few days. Beca had laid into him a little too hard about the fact that Chloe was not there, barking about how she didn’t live there anymore and that he needed to fuck off.

She really needed a hug, preferably one of the Chloe persuasion.

P.J. walked into her studio, distracting her out of her thoughts. “Hey boss, what can I do for you?” She cringed, wondering if he was about to lay down some more daddy advice.

“Not much, not much. I was just out for a walk and I thought I would drop in.”

Beca swiveled back around to her desk, her fingers hovering over the keys of her computer. Apparently, he had given up on his own clients or something, that or he just thought that it was really amusing to spend all of his time with her instead of with them.

The hell, dude?

She growled and moaned internally, aching for a cigarette, aching for that damned titian-haired beauty, aching for some alone time - even though she had been alone as of a second before.

She saw him take a seat and scowled. Whatever he wanted, she was sure it was going to be annoying.

“What are you working on?”

“A track for Hope. I can’t decide if I like it or not though.” She flexed her fingers, not caring when she knocked over a cup of pens in her agitation. She just glared at it and began hitting the same key of the MIDI controller over and over again, growling.

“Well, let’s hear it.”

“No,” she bit her cheek and rolled her eyes at herself. She really couldn’t just bite his head off, that wasn’t how the whole boss thing worked. She also couldn’t really just tell him no. “Sorry, that was, um, sorry. I just mean, err, not uh, not quite yet. I would rather wait until I’m at least kind of happy with it.”

He nodded, “Don’t worry too much, tiger, you’ll get it.” He chuckled then and Beca could tell that it was story time now. He had started each ‘chat’ with the same kind of chuckle. What would it be today? The pros and cons of pacifiers? Whether or not to circumcise? Some old school remedy for S.I.D.S? Some other stupid freaking piece of information that had nothing to do with her and yet she was going to be forced to hear?

“You’re so much like my oldest son. Man, that boy is smart as hell but he’s his worst critic. Still,” P.J. scratched his chin thoughtfully, the coarse rough sound grating on Beca’s nerves, “he is smart. You know, my wife did breastfeed him and not my other boys. Said once was enough. I wonder if there really is something to this whole thing. Were you fed from your mama?”

Beca had to work hard to keep her groan in.

Really? This again? _Really?_ Why did the fact that she knew someone who was having a baby mean she was talking about boobs with her boss like, constantly? It was his new freaking favorite topic! I mean, she liked Chloe’s boobs...a lot...she always had...it had kind of been Chloe’s boobs that had made her realize that something with her sexuality perhaps wasn’t totally ‘right’ or ‘normal’ -whatever that means - with her as a freshman. Chloe had done another one of those oh-I-forgot-my-clothes-post-shower-I’ll-just-walk-through-the-Bella-house-in-a-towel-oops-there-are-my-nipples things on that morning and it had distracted Beca all day. She had been lying in bed that night after a few drinks and had been trying to match the exact pink of Chloe’s nipples to anything else in the world when she realized that she was thinking about them far too much. It had been her first tip off.

She liked Chloe’s boobs.

A lot.

She really didn’t like talking about them with her boss though.

“Errr-I uh, I don’t know. Maybe?”

“Our other son, I love that boy but he is dumb as rocks and-”

“ _Josie!_ ” Her assistant jumped as she came in the door, her bag falling off of her shoulder and nearly taking her assistant down with it. “Do me a favor.” She tossed her a crumpled bill, “Go get me a pack of Blue’s.”

Josie sighed as though she just received a gift from Santa and muttered, “Finally,” as she turned and went right back out of the door.

Beca scowled, ready to take her head off. Chloe was right, she needed to find someone new. Like yesterday. Fuck! Josie clearly had liked it better when Beca’s main job had been going to clubs and getting shit faced. Her job then had mostly been to make sure that Beca was fed the next day and to bring her hangover remedies.

Her jaw worked as she listened to P.J. go on and on, trying to focus on her work, trying not to let her irritation overtake her. She just felt like a goddamn livewire, like she had no control over what she was doing and saying. Her pen beat a steady rhythm on the desk as she grabbed some paper work and tried to focus. Instead she read the same sentence over and over again, the words never sinking in.

She missed the days when she could just get up and walk the fuck out when she felt this way.

Why the hell had she ever wanted to graduate college? Why the hell did anyone ever want to graduate college? That should be a class. ‘How to stay in college because the real world fucking sucked 101’. Chloe had totally had the right idea.

It took _far_ too fucking long for Josie to come back but when she did she excused herself instantly, cutting off P.J.’s ramble; so freaking pleased when he didn’t just follow her out to have one of his own.

She felt better the moment the cigarette was lit.

Was she a little annoyed that she had given in? Maybe a little bit. But like - that would fade, right? Yeah, totally.

Maybe she would just go over there that night. Would that be too desperate, too like, please come play with me, best friend?

What if she did it wearing something kinda hot?

But she scowled at that; she didn’t pull off ‘hot’well. She wasn’t really a lingerie kind of girl. She would pay money to see Chloe in something like that but she - yeah, that just wasn’t her. The Bellas had taught her that she could rock an outfit - kind of - but that was where it ended.

Once in college, Jesse had bought her a silk and lace charmeuse and, since she was kinda supposed to, she had put it on. She tried for sexy, she really had. She had shaved her legs, she had really concentrated when she did her hair and makeup and yet, it had just fallen freaking flat. She had felt less like a sexy gazelle stepping into his bedroom and more like an awkward giraffe in heels as she tried to strut.

She had told Jesse later that it had been stolen when she was doing her laundry in the dorms but really she had given it to Stacie, knowing that she could give the sexy garment a long and happy life.

So. Okay.

That was out.

But.

Maybe food.

She could bring food.

But like - ugh! Did she even need all of this, though? Did she need all of the bells and whistles? Could she just go over because she was _Beca_ and over _there_ was where _Chloe_ was?

She didn’t like that she wasn’t sure.

She felt so much more centered as she put the cigarette out in the tray, stretching and popping her back and neck as though she had just woken up from a long nap. Okay, yeah, she felt a little better about life. Not like, super enthused or anything but-

The clicking of heels made her turn and she felt a grin widen on her face instantly. “Hey!” Her heart was suddenly doing a tango; her freaking cheeks were on fire for no reason at all and, ohmygod, what was wrong with her?

Chloe grinned back, “Hey you.”

Fuck, she was cute. She was in an adorable set of heels that matched her dress and jacket, her hair in a perfectly tame up-do.

Was she always this attractive or had it just been a while?

“Where have you been?” Chloe teased.

“Oh, you know. I’ve been -” Beca shrugged, too happy to see her to be annoyed by the joke. Suddenly the pack of cigarettes in her pocket felt like stone. Fuck. “- around. What are you doing here?”

“I just had a job interview and so I thought I would come see you. Sorry, I haven’t been over.”

“Nah, it’s cool, whatever, and err-” her heart leapt again as Chloe reached for her and planted a huge kiss on her lips as though it was the most natural thing in the world.

Jesus Christ.

“Mmmm, I’ve wanted to do that for days.” Chloe said softly, sucking on her own lips with relish like she was sucking Beca off of them. She kissed her again, her tongue slipping out for just a second to flick Beca’s lip and then she pulled away, glancing around as though remembering that Beca was at work.

“Errr,”

“You look super cute.”

Chloe grinned, her eyes slaying Beca at this distance, “Thanks! So do you. I like these.” Chloe teasingly pulled on her spider bites with her teeth. Beca didn’t know why, they were just piercings but every time that Chloe did that she almost - well - it was good - very um - very good. She would have to change her piercings more often and see if she could get that to keep happening.

Fuck, this was so like Chloe - she hadn’t seen her in days but suddenly she shows up and within seconds Beca has completely forgiven her for being MIA and was turned on enough to feel like she was melting into a puddle.

Witchy woman.

She literally didn’t even care that she had been gone. At all.

Not right now anyway.

“Where - where was your job interview?” Beca asked, just to keep herself focused, “Chlo? Whoa, um, Chloe?” The color had drained from Chloe’s face completely, making Beca - as usual instantly spiral into panic. “What’s wrong?”

“Come here.” Chloe grabbed her hand fast and pressed it against her belly. “Feel that?”

Beca frowned, “No. What am I supposed to be feeling?”

“My god, I haven’t gotten used to feeling her moving, I guess. You can’t feel that? What about there?”

Beca shook her head, pouting a little bit. Why did it bother her so much that she couldn’t?

Ugh, freaking fuck, what the hell was wrong with her?

 

****

 

Oh god, Chloe had missed her. She had missed her so much! She hadn’t meant for one day to turn into two, to turn into four. She had meant to be over at Beca’s the next day but then she had gotten carried away with unpacking, setting the place up and getting ready for her job interview. This had been a big one, _the_ big one. It was the one that she was hoping to get so it had pulled a little more of her focus than was maybe necessary.

It had gone very well, she thought. She and the principal had really hit it off great! The school was a little - scary - but she had high hopes. She couldn’t help but to think of the movies ‘To Sir, With Love’ or perhaps ‘Stand and Deliver’ - only that was silly because these were children. Still, if there was going to be a challenge then she would be up for it. Totes. Of course!

And the moment the interview was done she had known that she didn’t have any more patience in her and she _had_ to see Beca right then.

She grinned at Beca’s flushed face, knowing that she had just purposely done something that turned Beca into putty in her hands. Beca hadn’t said it but Chloe could tell, pulling on her lip rings that way turned Beca into a spiraling, spluttering mess. She would have to try that one day at - just the right moment and see what it did.

She couldn’t help it, she had _missed_ her. If she wanted to be really evil she could lean in and _suck_ on the piercings, not just pulling a little bit, taking part of Beca’s lip with it. She wanted to - she really did but that wouldn’t be very nice.

Still...she was tempted.

This was what she got for getting so busy over the last few days.

She hadn’t spent that many days away from Beca since she had arrived back into her life.

And yeah, she totally knew that four days wasn’t that big of a deal. It was only four days.

But she had no self-control when it came to this blushing, flustered woman before her, especially when she had missed her. She wanted to lock them in a room for an hour...or two.

Instead, she took her hand and followed her back inside, spending the next hour sitting on the couch in her studio, going over her emails and simply being there beside Beca.

Only, there was just a little weird.

She could feel it.

She watched Beca pouring over the paperwork on her desk with a knowing eye; seeing her eyebrows tight and her face twitching ever so slightly. Beca rarely twitched like that unless she was feeling some kind of pressure. “You know Bec, if you’re not careful you’re going to burn a hole through your desk.”

Beca just gave a soft chuckle but she didn’t look up from her papers and Chloe frowned, trying to analyze the feeling that was buzzing just under her skin.

Weirdness.

They had totally moved past that _weirdness_ that had been there for a while right after Henderson, thank god. But this - she knew what it was without even trying. Chloe hadn’t been around for a few days. If she knew Beca then the odds were she just needed some affection. She probably had gotten her head a little twisty. She had a talent for that. Chloe thought of that fight they had the first night after they slept together; for some absence makes the heart grow fonder, for Beca absence makes the heart fill with confusion. Beca just, even after all of these years, couldn’t believe that she was worth enough to miss, to want, to care about, to desire. Chloe had been doing her best to convince her for years, but she had always had to wonder how much being left behind as a child really had hurt her. Well. Chloe was more than happy to comply.

Soundlessly she rose and reached for Beca’s tense shoulders. They were like hard solid rocks, twitching just as much as the muscles in her jaw were. “Ooooh, you’re so tense.” She began to work through them, her thumbs digging in, trying to coax them to relax. Beca was - always had been - a walking ball of tension. It was always there, it was always more of a on a scale from one to ten kind of question.

She knew that Beca had to work, but she found herself leaning over as she rubbed, tickling her ear with her nose, kissing her neck, basically trying to distract her. “How is it you always get so tense?”

“It’s kind of a skill of mine.” Beca was still staring at the paperwork but there was a slight up-twitch to the corner of her lip.

“Is that a skill? I don’t know about that.” She leaned in and let out a small groan as she snaked Beca’s neck between her teeth, enjoying the taste of it on her tongue.

Beca let out a reluctant giggle, her whole body giving a shudder, “Hey, I’m supposed to be - paper-working - and stuff.”

Chloe bit her lip, already pleased with the change she was feeling in Beca.

“So I was thinking -” she said close to her ear and in her best sultry voice, “that we should go home tonight -” she snared her ear and gave it a playful yank, “get into our pajamas -” she dug her fingers into Beca’s shoulder a little harder, “And theeeeeen-” she saw Beca’s eyebrow shoot up, “watch a movie.”

Beca groaned, “Dude, you suck! I thought - you - ugh, you - I don’t like - you.”

Chloe laughed, her arms wrapping around Beca’s neck, “Of course you do!”

The door opened and Chloe glanced behind her, still mid laughter. “Hi P.J., how are you?”

“Oh I’m just fine, sweetheart, I’m just fine. How are you and that little nugget?”

Chloe’s hand went to her ever growing belly, “We’re both good. She’s starting to move.”

Beca swiveled around to face P.J., “What up, boss?”

“Well, you have a few boxes in my office, didn’t you tell them to deliver here?”

“Yeah, about that.” Beca sighed, running her hands through her hair, “They can’t seem to understand the difference between the office and studio A and B - which is fucking weird, right, because this is L.A. - they have to be freaking delivering to sets and studios all the time, right? I don’t, I dunno, it doesn’t seem that hard to me.”

With a smile, Chloe continued her massage, enjoying the way that Beca’s head lolled.

“Just be happy they got here, kiddo. When we first were starting up there was a studio down near San Bernardino that was called, oh I don’t know now, I’m old, sumthin’ like ours. We kept getting their mail and packages and they kept getting ours.”

“Really?”

“It was alright because Anthony, my old partner, ended up dating one of the women there so-”

Beca burst out laughing.

“Awe, that’s such a cute way to meet, though!” Chloe grinned, “That sounds like something that would happen in a movie.”

“Well, it was movie-like alright, especially when they broke up. It was a slasher!”

They all laughed again.

She kind of liked P.J.. She didn’t approve of his methods but it seemed that now that Beca was out of his control a little bit, she liked him a lot more.

“You know, Bex, _you’re_ supposed to be giving massages to the woman carrying your baby. Didn’t your mama teach you anything?” He tsked as he rolled over the second chair for Chloe, “There’s something wrong with this picture.” She watched as Beca was jerked forward by his amused clap on the back. She saw Beca’s lips purse and knew this wasn’t the first back clap like this.

Chloe chuckled, he was so strangely traditional for a music producer, wasn’t he? She turned to share an amused glance with Beca, only Beca wasn’t laughing. She had been laughing a moment before and the ghost of that was still on her face but there was also a shadow there now.

Little red warning flags went up but she smiled anyway. “Yeah, Bec,” She tried as she playfully squeezed her shoulders, “where’s mine?”

Beca had turned back to her paperwork, once again pulling out of her hands. “I’ll give you yours alright.” She grumbled and Chloe bit her lip, hiding her amusement.

P.J. didn’t stay long but he did stay just long enough to give her some breastfeeding advice, rub her belly with surprising affection, and then clap Beca warmly on the back - again.

Chloe was still sitting, kind of in shock when he was gone. “What was that?”

“Oh, you didn’t hear?” Beca turned a little so she was facing her, “Your boobs? Yeah, aaalllll the freaking rage right now.”

“What do you mean?” She laughed, pleased by Beca’s sarcasm, it meant that the dark look she had seen before wasn’t such a bad sign.

“I don’t really know how or why this keeps happening but he’s been talking about breastfeeding all week. Apparently, he’s really into it.”

“What?” She chuckled, a little scandalized. She was all for breastfeeding, she thought all of this political stuff going around was ridiculous; breastfeeding was natural and beautiful and she couldn’t wait to bond with her daughter that way - but it was strange to think of this somewhat random stranger talking about her breasts.

Pregnancy did such strange things to people. It completely demolished any and all personal limits, space or walls - according to the non-pregnant person. She never understood it. It was sweet how excited people could be but it was also a little weird.

“Yeah, totally, like did you know that your nipples are going to get all fucked up? Crack and,” Beca shuddered, “other stuff. Yeaaaaaah, I didn’t really need to know that but apparently that’s uh, that’s going to happen. Oh, and,” she pointed her pen at her for emphasis, “just an FYI here, when it does, I should rub your nipples down with bag balm.”

“What?” Chloe cried, her hands going to her breasts, protecting them from the disgusting smelling ointment.

“Yeah, my boss told me to rub your nipples down with bag balm, because apparently, that is something you can say to someone who is having a baby and not have that be totally weird - which he thinks we are - so yeahh - I’ve been, I’ve been learning a lot - as of late. Every day this week has been like a really intense version of high school health class.”

Somewhat mortified Chloe realized her mouth was hanging open. She watched that shadow pass over Beca’s face again and then their eyes met and they were laughing...hard and loud, tears pouring down their faces. Chloe went to her and crawled into her lap, hiccupping and shaking her head.

“Well, he’s trying to be helpful, I guess. It’s sweet.”

“Oh my god, Chlo! He’s talking about your nipples. Like, all the time. That’s not sweet - that’s creepy - and very possibly psychotic and -”

“Well, they _are_ very good nipples.”

That stopped whatever Beca was going to say next, making Chloe laugh harder, hugging her closer.

 

* * *

 

They headed back to the condo a while after that, both pleased that the teasing atmosphere remained. They cooked dinner together, ate and were just about to settle on the couch when, much to their pleasant surprise, Emily was knocking on the front door.

“How have you been, sweetie?” She called, settling down on the couch instead of getting up as Emily shuffled in, talking to Beca a mile a minute like always.

Ugh, her body was a little sore these days. It wasn’t anything significant, it was more like her body just had a harder time recovering from the yoga and the running which - wasn’t a big deal but - this couch was very comfy.

“Good! Err, yeah, so - so good.” Chloe paused, sensing something other than the truth there. But Emily was smiling at Beca like everything was normal so perhaps that was in her head. “What have you been up to, Chloe? How is the new apartment?”

“Good! You’ll have to come by and see it soon. Maybe I should have a movie night or something.” She gave Beca a grin and Beca rolled her eyes, already acquiescing. “How is the songwriting? You have anything for me to listen to yet?”

“No, not yet, err, um, uh-uh, we’ll get on that soon.”

They spent a few minutes chatting, Emily hanging back a bit.

Chloe couldn't help but to watch Emily shuffle by the doorway beside Beca.

She prided herself on being able to read people, in being able to understand them in a unique way. She liked people. She loved people even. And she usually was pretty good at sensing them. She didn’t know why, but she always had been. She could usually _feel_ them when she stood too close. Clearly though her intuitions were off these days because for a while she had been sure she was feeling this deeply hidden weird thing with Beca - and now she was feeling something weird with Emily. Pregnancy was throwing her off. It had been doing a lot of weird things to her these days - she bit her lip and tried not to think about that - about the constant cravings she had been feeling all week - food and otherwise.

She watched Beca rib Emily and the girl laugh and give it right back, her face radiant as only sweet Emily could be. Maybe she was just crazy these days; they both looked like everything was normal.

But usually Emily loved to cuddle. She was like a giant, freakishly tall kitten. She loved to snuggle up as much as possible, even when she was upset - especially when she was upset.

It seemed strange that she was staying over there and not joining her on the couch. Was she reading into that?

Okay, she reminded herself, not everything has to mean something. She watched Beca shove Emily a little, laughing as Emily made a face.

See, you’re being crazy, Chlo.

So she stretched out across the couch, enjoying the sensation so much that she groaned which turned into a huge yawn.

And she was tired. That hadn’t changed, she had been tired for months and she was tired now. She was always tired. She loved to sleep, she loved napping, but her love of it these days had reached almost sacred.

She turned to say something to Emily and jumped when she felt that strange sensation in her belly, that little tickling whisper. “Oh!” Her hand went to the little bump, “Guys, she’s moving again...guys?” She looked over and saw that both women had turned to her, eyeing her and then eyeing one another. She instantly felt a small thrill around her heart. They hadn’t done this in a while - in too long! She knew what was coming and she loved it. She bit her lip, holding back a giggle as both Beca and Emily moved at the same time, launching forward, Emily yelling, “Me, me, me, me!” while Beca cried, “No freaking way, dude! It’s mine! Back. Up!” They bottlenecked a little bit at the doorframe, shoving and pulling, slapping at one another’s hands and arms.

“Ow! Dude!” Beca cried and smacked back, twisting and breaking free.

“Noooo, you get it all the time!” Emily wrestled to get by her, grabbing her and shoving her back - which only made Beca dive to the side and charge around her.

“Nu-uh, I haven’t seen her in like a week!”

Chloe yelped, laughing and screaming as Beca flopped across her legs, her face flushed and breathing hard. “Oh god!” She cried, cringing and waiting for Emily to flop as well. Instead Beca scrambled up her like a squirrel, holding on tight and sticking her leg out, warding Emily off so she couldn’t get any closer.

“Now children,” Chloe teased.

“Hey!”

“Ugh, you suck!” Emily cried, plopping down across from them and glaring.

“You guys haven’t done that in a while.”

Beca shrugged, “We’ve been busy.”

A painful thrill went through her stomach. That shadow again, she could see that shadow in Beca’s eyes as she cuddled herself beside Chloe.

“Bec, what’s wrong?”

“What?” Beca looked up, blinking and her face was clear again.

Chloe frowned. She had seen it. She had felt it. Right? “Um, nothing, I guess.”

Beca gave a small nod, “So show me. Gimmie. Make it happen. Can you still feel her?”

She nodded and placed Beca’s hand.

“What am I supposed to be feeling again? Cuz, I don’t - damn it, I still can’t feel anything!”

“Awe,” Chloe giggled as she watched Beca pout, “it will get there, don’t worry.” She lightly pinched Beca’s protruding bottom lip, “She’ll get bigger, trust me!”

It should have been warm and comfortable as the three of them lounged together and - it _was_ , it really was, but - there was this _something_ fluttering just out of reach. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it but something - something. Something was up with Beca, something she was trying and mostly succeeding in keeping from her. Which was strange, because she had never had that ability before. It was a true sign that their friendship had been put on hold for a few years, it was that thing that Chloe had felt when they first reunited, that new ability. Beca had never been able to bury herself away from Chloe, but in those two years somehow Beca had learned and Chloe didn’t like it.

It didn’t feel big, but there was something clearly on her mind.

The three of them didn’t do much, which Chloe loved. They just hung around and chatted and it was nice. Chloe’s hand had found Beca’s hair and she was enjoying the pleased hum she could feel coming from Beca as she stroked and tangled her fingers.

Maybe it was work. She had a lot going on, setting up a whole label...Beca had told her once about the type of paperwork she had to do and it had been intense. Maybe it was all starting to stress her out a little bit. She couldn’t blame her for that. What Beca was doing was awesome, but it was also a little bit crazy. Or perhaps it was something totally different, she didn’t really know. It couldn’t be them, could it? She had picked up on that a little bit when she had shown up that afternoon but she was sure she had smoothed that over. No, it couldn’t be, Beca wasn’t the type of person to be upset with her or about them and yet sit here and cuddle up like she was. She would get distant, somehow manage to be busy _always_ and she would get so awkward that there could be no denying it.

She didn’t know what was up but she knew that eventually Beca would give in and tell her. She just needed her space.

She was still Beca after all.

Eventually, after a few long sighs and some pointed puppy dog eyed stares Beca gave in, moving across to the other couch looking dramatically sad. Emily jumped, giving an excited little yelp and cuddled in.

“What about Aria?” Emily asked, happily poking at her belly and giggling.

“That’s pretty!”

“I don’t know,” Beca frowned, “Aria? It just sounds so, I dunno, I hang out and watch too many soap operas.”

Chloe rolled her eyes at Beca’s devilish grin. “I’ve been thinking about Savannah. It’s pretty isn’t it, Bec?”

Beca nodded a bit, seeming to roll the name around on her tongue. “It’s so long, though!”

“Yeah, that’s true. What would her nickname be? She can’t just be ‘Legacy’ forever.”

“Hey, what’s wrong with Legacy?” Emily cried.

Chloe grinned and poked her in the nose, “You know for someone who never had a choice about the nickname you seem awfully proud of it.”

“Well! It’s mine!” Emily stuttered for a second before she gave up and flopped back down.

“Don’t worry, we know that Legacies are awesome.”

Emily gave a satisfied little toothy grin.

“But nicknames are important! Like, I love it when people call me ‘Chlo’.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” She gave a little smitten smile and tossed Beca a glance, “when _certain_ people call me that, anyway.” She still remembered the first time that closed-off-I-refuse-to-be-your-friend Beca had called her ‘Chlo’ and she still remembered the secret thrill it had given her. “If she’s going to be Savannah then she has to have a nickname.”

“Um-” they all thought frowning until Beca held down the Siri button on her phone, “Siri, Google search nicknames for the name Savannah.” The phone beeped a few times and then Beca read, “‘Kay, um, Vanny, Anna, Sav, Vanna, ew I hate all of these - oooooh,” Beca cooed, using the same voice that she spoke in whenever Roger The Fox was around, “Savie!”

Chloe cleared her throat and swallowed a smile, badass Beca Mitchell was such a softie.

“And Vivi. How the hell do you get Vivi from Savannah?”

“But Vivian is cute, though.” Emily offered, “That’s so cute. Little Vivian. Little Vivian Beale. Oh my gosh, I love it!”

Chloe went to laugh, went to agree and make a comment about the beauty that was Vivian Leigh, but instead her eyebrows drew together.

Okay, what was going on with her?

Was she going crazy again?

She had to be!

She had to be because for a moment she had thought that she smelled - alcohol? She sniffed again and yeah, she could definitely smell it. She glanced around, trying to see if perhaps something on the wet bar was sitting open. She strained but she couldn’t quite see.

Emily wasn’t drinking again, was she? Nooo, no way! Emily was a rock star. She glanced at Beca, who was laughing with Emily. Beca would have noticed if there was anything to notice. She took another deep breath but the scent was gone.

She had just been smelling _everything_ these days, that was all.

Oh my god, Chloe, you’re being paranoid.

She studied Emily’s shining face and realized that the girl didn’t seem different at all. Surely if she had enough alcohol in her system for Chloe to be able to _smell_ it then she would seem drunk. Chloe wasn’t being fair. The thing was that when your nose was super strong sometimes you mistook scents. Maybe her perfume was cheap or something. The only reason she was jumping to liquor was because Emily was in recovery; she would never automatically go there for anyone else.

Maybe Beca had just had a drink with lunch that day or something.

She frowned, rubbing her nose. Whatever the smell was she hadn’t really liked it.

God, all of her usual senses were off today.

Emily left not long after that and then she and Beca decided to head to bed and while she was holding Beca tight to her, while she felt Beca sigh and cuddle in - she could have sworn that something wasn’t right there either, something far off and just out of her grasp. She tucked her chin tighter into Beca’s shoulder and kissed her cheek. Beca, already half asleep hummed and mumbled a little, scooting closer, her hand slipping under the waistband of her shorts so she could rest her hand against her skin as she slept.

No, see, she was just being silly.

She would keep her thoughts of Emily to herself. She didn’t want her hearing of them and thinking that her friends didn’t have faith in her. Because she totally did.

It was just the pregnancy, it was just getting used to their new lifestyle, being separate.

Everything was fine.

Nothing was - just a little different. She was just jumping at phantoms.

She breathed in her scent deeply, finding comfort in it and began to drift off.

Everything was fine.

Better than fine.

Everything was great.

 

* * *

 

She woke the next morning feeling refreshed. She liked this bed so much more than her own. Well no, her bed was great. It was the first thing she had made her own the night she moved into her apartment. She had reverently opened her new bedding, washed them and then, singing her way through Adele’s latest album, she had laid the sheets out, fitting them into their new home. She had tucked everything into its place and then she had taken a warm shower, wanting everything to be clean and fresh. Once her hair had been dried and brushed she opened the window in her bedroom, ignoring the fact that it was barred and had slipped between the sheets, loving the cold air against her face and the warmth of the blankets.

She loved that bed.

It was _her_ bed.

But as she rolled over she took in the sleeping face of the woman next to her.

This bed did have a definite bonus. Happily, she bit her lip, her fingers reaching out to touch the shell of her ear. She was so beautiful in her sleep. She loved the way she always slept with one hand balled under her nose, the other buried under the pillow. She let her fingers trail down, pushing the hair out of the way and then gently ran her finger down her cheek. She was stunning. Beca had always seemed so confused when someone had shown interest in her in the past, as if she couldn’t see why. Chloe’s grin grew. She had always thought that was just silly.

Leaning over she softly kissed the side of her lips. She scooted in a bit, planning on kissing her awake when she got a whiff of her cigarette smoke stained hair.

 _Ooooooh noo!_ She moaned, leaping up and running for the bathroom before she could get very, very unlucky and not make it.

Her morning sickness wasn’t back exactly, not that it had ever fully left. It was more that every now and then she got a whiff of something and it sent her running.

By the time she made it downstairs, primped and polished, Beca was down there already, sipping from a cup of coffee.

“I bet that’s a really great way to start the morning.”

“One of my favs,” Chloe opened the fridge and frowned, “Bec, I haven’t even been gone for a full week and you’re already completely out of food.”

Beca just flashed her a guilty but playful smile, “Let’s go out.”

“What? Where?”

“Yeah, come on. I can go in later. Let’s go get breakfast.”

She studied Beca’s grinning face, the way she was looking at her like she was just so excited that she was here and she felt her feet swept out from under her. She beamed, almost shy under the attention. “Okay.”

“Awesome, I’ll get,” Beca had hopped off the stool to start upstairs but Chloe had caught her before she could get by; pulling her into a long, deep kiss.

The restaurant Beca chose was packed but Beca promised that it was well worth it - and then gave her a granola bar to eat - just in case.

“So how is Emily’s album coming along? She said the songs were done, right? You guys didn’t say much last night.”

Beca frowned, picking up some magazines off the little bit of bench available in the waiting area so that Chloe could sit down. “Yeah, but I dunno, Emily doesn’t seem ready. It’s weird to say but I think she’s nervous - maybe? Recording is a big job, I dunno, I think she’s stalling.”

“It seemed like when I came back for the reunion she was still a little shell-shocked from recording her first one.”

“Yeah, I mean, it really is a big job. I don’t know, I get, kind of a weird-”

“Beca?”

They both jumped when a tall buxom, raven-haired beauty stopped on her way out of the door, her mouth hanging open in surprised shock. She was holding a small boy, maybe six months old in her arms, who seemed equally as excited as she was.

“It can’t be House Bex, can it?”

For a second Beca looked completely cornered and then she smiled, “Sophie? Oh my god, whoa! Hi!”

“Hey!” The woman cried, wrapping her free arm around Beca.

Chloe watched curiously. She had met a lot of Beca’s friends earlier in the year but this woman looked so put together in comparison to them and she definitely hadn’t seen this one before. The others, who Beca had insisted were not friends as much as fellow partiers, all had the same slightly unkempt, slightly frazzled look that Beca had been sporting, like they had endured one too many hangovers. This woman looked like she could be a lawyer in her pressed business suit. She watched the way that the woman hugged Beca close and wondered if perhaps she was an ex. She frowned, did she really care if she were?

The baby, excited and happy, gave a squeal and grabbed a handful of Beca’s hair, making her yelp.

“Oh, I’m sorry, his hands are little terrors. This is Christopher. Can you say ‘hi’, Christopher?”

“Errr-” Beca looked from the baby to the woman and then to Chloe uncertainly.

“Oh, I’m just kidding,” Sophie cried, waving her hand at Beca. “I’m sorry, Hi, I’m Sophie.” The woman held out her hand to Chloe and standing so as to not be rude, she shook it.

“Hi! Chloe. My god, he’s beautiful. Look at those eyes!”

“Thank you.” And then, without asking permission of either Beca or Chloe, the woman passed the little boy over to Beca, who yelped like someone had thrown hot coal at her, and then cupped Chloe’s belly. Both women started with surprise. “You know, I heard you had one of your own coming, House Bex.” Sophie laughed, her look reading you-thought-you-could-pull-the-wool-over-my-eyes.

“Oh, no, we’re not a couple.” Chloe laughed.

“Yeah, despite the rumors that baby isn’t mine.”

Chloe looked up, feeling that trippy alarm bell going off in her chest but then _all_ thought of that was gone when she saw Beca with the baby. She bit her lip, trying to hold in her laughter and barely succeeding. Adorable. She was just too adorable.

At first Beca was looking at it like she didn’t know what to do with it, she had it in her hands and was holding it like a sack of potatoes or a bag of flower, both arms extended straight out. Beca gave an awkward laugh, glancing at Sophie and then back at the bubbling baby. His little chubby legs pumped, making him bounce happily in Beca’s hands and then, with a happy little squeal he reached forward - and stuck his finger straight up Beca’s nose. This time Chloe did laugh, her hands over her mouth hoping that would stifle it but there hadn’t been a need; the laugh was completely overwhelmed by Beca’s open and loud laughter. That seemed to break her discomfort because, though her eyes were watering and she was rubbing her nose, she placed the baby on her hip.

Strange things started to happen within Chloe as she watched that, watched Beca make a face at the boy and then laugh when he giggled back, their giggles showing equal enthusiasm. Her eyelashes fluttered as she tried to take it all in, as she felt her head and body suddenly swimming.

“Oh I’m sorry,” Sophie laughed at herself, “I bet you have people doing this to you all of the time. I should have asked first.”

“Hmm?” No more than two seconds had gone by since Sophie had put her hands on Chloe’s stomach but she had been so distracted that she had completely forgotten about her.

Actually no, she hadn’t really had a total stranger come up and feel her belly without asking yet - at least not in this life. It was kind of fun in a weird pregnancy kind of way.

“Willa, party of three? Willa, party of three?” The host behind the tall counter called, a few menus in her hand.

“Excuse me.” A few people pushed past her, freeing up the rest of the bench.

Chloe’s mouth dropped open, elation high but before she could grab Beca she felt her phone vibrating in her pocket and she gasped, her hand instantly shooting to it, nerves suddenly high.

She was waiting, maybe a little less than patiently, for an email, or a phone call, basically anything that would tell her if she got the job or not, any of the jobs she had interviewed for, really. The compulsion to check was unavoidable and so she excused herself, leaving the friends to chat.

It wasn’t an email about the job. It was an email from Nick explaining about the latest divorce proceedings.

Her mood fell a little.

She _needed_ to hear about this job and she needed it to be soon.

She scanned the email again, taking in the information, absently playing with her bottom lip as she read. All of this so far had been a little confusing - alright more than a little. There was so much in each explanation and Nick was so bad at explaining without using his lawyer jargon so she was thoroughly distracted for the next few minutes, trying to piece it together. She was just on the brink of calling him to ask what in the _world_ the email was talking about when she noticed the dropped tone the woman - Sophie - was now using. She wasn’t whispering but something about it made Chloe freeze and listen hard.

Was she flirting with Beca?

That was a flirty voice, right?

Yeah, totally, she knew that voice!

She was totally _flirting with Beca_!

A possessive lion roared in her chest and she frowned, listening even harder.

“Well,” Sophie said in a soft mutter. “if you really _are_ single, and you’re this open to children, weeelll, maybe we should go on that third date we never had.”

Beca laughed, awkwardly.

Chloe scowled. Really? She was hitting on her? Right here? In the restaurant? In front of everyone around them? Who the hell was this woman, anyway?

She covertly looked up and saw that Beca’s hands were still full with baby Christopher - and she saw - couldn’t not see - couldn’t help but to notice - Sophie was pulling Beca’s phone from her back pocket.

Had she really considered the name Sophie? She didn’t like it at all.

It was horrible.

No. Officially off the table.

Beca flushed bright red as her phone came out of her back pocket and Sophie put her number in, “So you can’t lose it this time.”

“I uh- errr - ummm,”

Chloe realized that her jaw was hanging open, something that would clearly give away that she was no longer even looking at her emails so she snapped it shut fast.

“You know,” Sophie finally took the baby back from Beca who seemed unsure what to do with her hands now. She put them on her hips and when that didn’t work she put them in her pockets, only to shift them to her back pockets.

“I never would have pegged you for the family type, House. But then again, you never know when you meet someone by doing a belly shot out of their navel.”

Disgusted anger rose and Chloe opened her mouth to say something, she didn’t know what, to tell Beca that they needed to go, to ask her to come to the bathroom with her, to - what? She just - she didn’t like Sophie at all.

But Sophie was already heading toward the door.

“It was good to see you again, Beca. It was nice to meet you, Chloe.”

Chloe just gave her a stiff nodded, her lips tight with bitchy attitude, her eyebrows a little too high.

Beca laughed again once Sophie was gone, “Man, I forgot, errm, I forgot how much of a trip she was.”

‘A trip’? That almost sounded like Beca had liked it...her...a trip? _A trip?_

Beca cleared her throat again and they fell into silence.

She - she just had no idea what to say! She finally put her phone back into her pocket but for once words were completely failing her.

Beca shot her a glance and then looked away fast as though she had been burned. She opened her mouth, realized she had her signature affronted look on her face, the one that kind of just happened whether she wanted it to or not. She did her best to wipe it away.

“Mitchell? Party of two?”

“So are you going to call her?” Chloe had fought the words off as long as she could, she hadn’t asked until they were sitting down at their table - which meant that they had met the hostess, waited while she gathered the menus, AND walked them to their table. So she had waited. She had totally waited long enough - but now she _had_ to ask. She had to know.

Beca grinned, a teasing glint in her eye, “Should I?”

It sent her stomach into knots and she wished, for once, that Beca hadn’t reacted quite so Beca-like. She cleared her throat and her face before she gave a practiced shrug, “She was kind of cute, I guess.”

“Yeah, I mean, I’ve been told that she’s kind of wild in bed.” Beca clicked her tongue, a teasing twinkle in her eye, but Chloe didn’t think that was funny. She didn’t think any of this was funny.

At all.

 

Breakfast was - not great.

Chloe kept trying but everything she ate tasted sour and, though she tried - she honestly tried, she couldn’t get rid of the shaking in her fingers. Her stomach was boiling. Her head ached. Her skin itched.

Chloe always knew what she was feeling, she was sure of that. She always knew so she couldn’t understand what was happening right now! She didn’t know if she was furious or if she was - something else entirely.

All she wanted to do was pull Beca closer.

All she wanted to do was shake her.

She was - no, she wasn’t upset; she had no right to be upset. So she wasn’t. She refused to be.

But she...wanted her.

So badly she could barely eat.

She wasn’t - turned on - or horny - or whatever - she wanted, she needed her, needed to -

She could feel her heart beating fast, she could feel it in her head, in her throat, she could feel it everywhere. It was so bad that she, _Chloe_ , even snapped at the busser when he came by. He hadn’t even done anything, he was just doing his job and yet she had totally bitten his head off.

Beca had just stared at her, wide-eyed and she felt terrible.

She hadn’t been able to look at her after that. She just kept thinking over and over again about that moment that woman - _Sophie_ \- had slipped her fingers into Beca’s back pocket. She kept thinking about what it would have looked like if Beca’s jeans weren’t there, if it was just Beca’s smooth skin that Sophie’s fingers had been touching. It made her want to scream, it made her want to touch her there herself.

The drive home, just like most of the meal, was silent, tense. Beca couldn’t stop fidgeting, her fingers drumming on the steering wheel, her leg bouncing in place as she pretended she wasn’t sending Chloe side glances every few minutes.

Chloe felt horrible for it, knowing it was her fault, but every time she opened her mouth she felt something hot rising in her throat. So she just kept it closed.

She didn’t understand.

What was it that she was feeling? What was happening to her? It didn’t make any sense.

They got out of the car and started into the lobby, Beca absolutely silent, her shoulders tense and Chloe wondered if maybe she had better go home. She paused, just outside of the glass lobby doors, because yeah, that seemed like the best idea. Just until she could get her head on right. And get - this - under control. Only, darn it, she had left her things upstairs.

She just -

Her heart beat harder, punishingly, her hands twitched. She glanced at Beca as they stepped into the elevator and chewed her cheek.

What was wrong with her?

She just -

She hadn’t even given herself permission but suddenly Beca was letting out a grunt of surprise as she pressed her against the wall. Okay, maybe she had slammed her against the wall; her lips finding and taking Beca’s, her hands cupping her face.

“Whoa, shit, Chlo-” Beca cried but Chloe stopped her with a kiss, playing with her, pressing into her, sucking and pulling, desperately. “Whoa.” Beca pulled away with a small popping noise, “‘Kay, I thought you were pissed.”

“Mmm.” She wouldn’t answer.

“‘Kay, but like - so then you’re not - um -?”

“Mmm.” She sighed and cupped her cheeks, her kisses slowing, pressing one to her cheek, to her chin, to her temple before she sank back into her lips, slowly, gently reaching, massaging, exploring. She felt Beca tremble under her, felt her dissolving and Chloe knew this was what she wanted, she wanted that reaction. She wanted her to fall apart - in _her_ hands. Only hers.

The elevator gave a ding and the door opened but Chloe couldn’t pull away, her arm wrapping around her waist, her hand pushing under Beca’s shirt so she could hold her to her. It was Beca who pulled back, though Chloe just followed, not letting their lips disconnect, continuing with the steady and warm kissing. She pushed, walking them back until they were against her door, then through it, and then into the foyer, only releasing for a second to breathe as Beca had fumbled with the front door lock. They continued that way, trying to reach the bedroom, only Beca’s foot caught on the hallway door and down they went, tumbling into a heap together.

It was a good enough place for Chloe.

Unwilling to let go Chloe quickly climbed up her, wrapping herself around her. “Mmm Bec. Bec.” She hummed the name, wanting her to hear her say it as Beca carefully worked down her jaw. “ _Beca_.”

Beca’s hand came up to touch her face and Chloe caught it, kissing the wrist and then spidering her fingers through hers before she kissed it again, over each knuckle.

She needed her.

So she leaned back, pushing her shirt up and over her head before kissing up her ribs one by one, sighing when Beca’s free fingers tangled in her hair.

Slowly but pointedly she removed each article of clothing, brushing her lips across the sensitive parts of her body, watching her respond, watching her face fall open, her eyes opening with a flutter, only to roll back a second later as Chloe went from fervently sucking below her jaw to gently teasing her breasts.

Beca was starting to shiver, her hips rolling there on the carpet, seeking and Chloe smiled into her skin; this had been exactly what she had wanted.

She had needed Beca to need her.

She needed to possess her.

Though her eyes were closed, she felt Beca cup her face, bringing it back to hers, kissing her slowly and then when she released her, simply holding their faces together, forehead to forehead.

She could feel Beca’s eyes burning into her from close range as her fingers danced over Beca’s body.

“Chlo, I - talk to me - what - is it just-”

She opened her eyes slowly, knowing she would be met with the burning question. She saw it but Chloe kissed her, gently - with loving precision - she connected them, sliding into her, watching Beca’s face change.

“Look at me,” she whispered, feeling Beca’s sharp exhale against her lips, “Look at me, Bec.”

Gunmetal blue found hers and Chloe watched them, studying the wonder she saw there, the furrowed eyebrows, the spark that made them Beca’s.

She didn’t want her to let go so she wrapped her arm around the back of Beca’s neck, her soft cries pouring into her ear from Beca’s lips, so close.

“Chlo - Chlo -” Beca panted, cried, her arm snaking around Chloe’s back and holding her there, holding her to her.

They stayed this way for a long while, their twin sounds filling the hallway, their slow movements passionately close.

She had never touched Beca this way, not so - she didn’t know the word. Beca sounded different like this, no loud swearing, no hard cries; instead Beca just breathed, slow but gaspingly deep, her eyes unable to open, but she could hear it picking up in tempo, though she never changed herself. So, forehead to forehead and nose to nose, she brought her knee up to keep her in place and reached down, touching herself as she touched her lover, simply so she could be there with her.

Beca’s arm wrapped tighter around her, her deep breath turning into a canter. “Look at me,” she said again.

Beca’s eyes snapped open.

She heard a small, high, ‘aaahh,’ so simple and so honest. Her neck muscles straining, her eyes struggled not to rolled back. Chloe’s forehead fell against hers again, her eyes never leaving her face as she cried out. There was a sudden inward rushing of air, a gasp that stopped time for just a moment - and Chloe followed a second later, knowing Beca’s eyes were on her.

Her orgasms were always longer than Beca’s, it didn’t mean anything, it was just the way her body was. So Beca was holding her face by the time she finally sagged, twitching and fell to Beca’s side, cuddling under her arm.

“Wow, that was, wow - fuck.”

Chloe hummed, giving her neck a light kiss as Beca tried to catch her breath.

“Mmmm,” Beca happily groaned, turning so she could wrap herself fully around Chloe, her arms around her neck, her legs intertwining.

Feeling safe and sated in her arms, Chloe’s mind began to drift to other things, feeling Legacy doing summersaults and tumbles. She had come across a name at the restaurant, she had heard it and then she had been distracted. She hadn’t seen who owned the name but she thought that might be better. She cuddled in deeper. She loved it. It felt, oh it was beautiful and it felt right. She shifted again, uncomfortable.

“What’s wrong?”

Chloe frowned, her hand pressing into her stomach, “She won’t stop moving.”

“Maybe because we’re laying on the hallway floor - come o -”

“No, stay, ” Chloe frowned, holding her so she couldn’t leave their bubble.

So instead Beca’s hand went to follow hers, pressing into her belly as well, “Why can’t I feel her? She doesn’t like me, does she?”

Chloe laughed; actually, she had been noticing the exact opposite lately. She could barely feel the girl, that’s what made her so uncomfortable, the feather light brushes were agony, like being tickled. She moved frequently, but she moved the most when Chloe read out loud and any time that Beca spoke. “I just think she’s not big enough. Oh my god, she won’t stop moving.” Chloe groaned into Beca’s neck, running the name through her mind again, testing it out, using it to mentally scowl at the baby. She liked how it fit.

Beca pushed her over and Chloe nearly grabbed at her again, not wanting to let her go, but all that Beca did was crawl down her body so she was straddling her legs, her head resting on the small bump. “Legacy, you’re driving your mom crazy. You gotta chill, dude.”

Chloe laughed, her heart swelling, ready to burst.

“Hmmm,” Beca sighed and then ran her hands over the skin, her fingers toying a bit with Chloe’s.

It was so comfortable, so easy.

Chloe wasn’t paying attention to when she started humming; she didn’t even notice she was doing it, not until Beca picked the song up, singing quietly, clearly lost in her own thoughts.

Chloe hummed a little louder, her fingers tracing the side of Beca’s face, her eyes closing as Beca too began to sing, their free fingers intertwining so they could sit, palm to palm as Beca softly sang to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays everyone!  
> I just want to take a second and say that I am so grateful for all of you. Writing fan fiction would be quite literally pointless with out you guys! You're wonderful! Hope your day is a good one and your New Year is rejuvenating and balancing!


	10. Chapter 10

For the first time in a week things felt _normal_ when Beca woke the next morning. She groaned into her pillow, stretching long and grinning, somehow happy despite the dark cloud that had been hanging over her for the last few days. No, Chloe wasn’t in bed next to her which - boo - but she could hear her excited voice in the hallway so she hadn’t gone far. As a matter of fact, her shrill voice, that was failing to stay to a whisper, was probably what had woken her and she didn’t care in the slightest. She cuddled deeper into the blankets, reviewing the previous day before she fully gave into being awake. Nothing special had happened after their explosive morning but it had been awesome; the kind of day they hadn’t been able to have all week. All they had done was chill at home, just being together.

It was almost like -

The door creaked open and Chloe’s red curls came around the frame first, peeking in to see if she was awake or asleep. Beca had to stifle a laugh, wondering if this image, the wild hair and the one startlingly blue eye was what Chloe at five years old had looked like. “Did I wake you?” Her voice was muffled, her mouth still hidden out of sight.

Beca shrugged, enjoying the sight of her, “What’s up?”

Chloe’s single exposed eye blinked and then as though her kettle had finally boiled over she yelped and sprang, launching herself at her.

“AAAH!” Beca cried, catching her and rolling with the momentum of Chloe’s body. “FUCKSHIT!” She yipped as she only just managed to keep them from rolling right off of the bed.

“Guesswhatguesswhatguesswhat?”

“Um, you found the hidden package of full-caff coffee that I’ve been hiding from you?”

Chloe rolled her eyes and gave her arm a little smack, “Nooo!”

“What?”

“I GOT A JOB!” Chloe let out a little squeal, her whole body wiggling as she cheered.

“What? You did?”

“Yup! Just now, oh my god, Bec, oh my god, it’s better than I could have hoped for!”

“Well tell me about it then!” Beca laughed as Chloe scrambled over her, her thighs clenching tight around Beca’s ribs in her excitement.

Fuck.

She blinked up at the sight of Chloe atop her like this, her hair wild from sleep, her eyes alight, her skin bare; creamy and glowing.

Jesus Christ.

Fuck, she was beautiful. It wasn’t fair.

She opened her mouth but then just let it close again, her hands running up and down Chloe’s thighs. Focusing...she was focusing...on Chloe’s...words.

“So. Oh my god, I’m so excited. It’s a subbing position, which,” Chloe clicked her tongue, her face scrunching unhappily, “and it’s kind of far, _but!_ ” She did a happy little squirm and Beca’s chest felt tight, like she had just put on a too small sweater fresh from the drier, “it’s going to be from January to late February because one of their English teachers had to leave suddenly. So I’m subbing but I’m the _permanent_ sub until he can come back!” Chloe grinned, unconsciously playing the drums on Beca’s sternum, “That means no going from school to school every day, that means steady work. Aaaaand, to top it off! When that is over they hired me on, starting next year as their _full-time_ choir teacher!”

“You’re kidding!”

“Nope!” Chloe’s bubbly was exploding, she could barely sit still. She leaned down and gave her a series of quick kisses, all of which made Beca’s chest contract a little harder, before Chloe’s nose scrunched, her lips twisting into that strange figure eight as she thought, “It does mean that I’ll have to have Willa and then be back at work before she’s even six months old. I really don’t like that but the schedule -”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Beca cried, her hands closing on Chloe’s waist, “Who the fuck is _Willa_?”

“Oh!” Chloe’s eyes went wide for a second and then she blushed, her lips twisting all over again, “I named her.”

“What? _When_?”

“Yesterday.” Chloe’s hand went to her small belly, giving it an affectionate rub. “At breakfast.”

So wait, her eyebrows furrowed, when she was sitting across from her agonizing because she thought she had been like mega super fucking - super pissed... she didn’t really know anymore because she had seemed pissed and then she had jumped her bones. Anyway, when she had been all worried, Chloe had been sitting there giving Legacy a name?

A name like...Willa?

Really?

Beca frowned. “Willa?”

The grin that came to Chloe’s face then was absolutely breathtaking and for the first time, Beca could see the loving mother in it, everything going soft for a moment.

It made her dizzy.

“Yeah. Willa. It’s perfect.”

“Oh my god, Chlo!” Beca laughed with her whole body, “How ‘crunchy granola’ can you get?”

Chloe just smiled, taking her hand and pressing it lightly into her belly, “Do you feel that?”

“Nope. Does Nick get veto power?”

“Nope. Do you hate it?”

“Yup. Somehow you found a _more_ hippie version of Willow. I’m impressed.” God, it sounded like something that Chloe would name her baby though, didn’t it? She couldn’t argue with that. It was equal parts classically beautiful, hippie, unique and totally freaking boho.

Chloe’s bottom lip jutted out, looking so honestly devastated for a second that Beca leaned up, ready to take it back. “Really? You don’t like it?”

Instead of answering Beca just caught that oh so tempting lip.

After a while they had both slipped into some pajamas, still going back and forth about ‘Willa’ and headed downstairs. They hadn’t even finished cooking when the doorbell started to go off. Neither were really all of that surprised when Emily loped in.

“Hey Flashlight, I didn’t know you were coming over,” Beca grinned, pleased as she cooked their food. “Whatcha got?” She asked, glancing over her shoulder at the spiral notebook in Emily’s hands.

“You hungry?” Chloe asked before Emily could continue.

“What? Oh, no. I’m good. Thanks, Chlo. Um, Beca, I just wanted to talk to you about some changes.” Emily flopped open the notebook and Beca frowned.

They were supposed to be done with the changes now. She could have sworn that Emily had said she was _done_ . They were _supposed_ to be recording. Like now, right? But instead of pointing that out she shrugged, “Cool.” Was it just her or was Emily being a little weird about this? Was she nervous? She didn’t get it. She guessed that Emily was allowed to be just as weird about recording and her songs as any of her other clients - who all had a moment of weird somewhere along the way - but Emily was usually too chill for that kind of stuff. Somehow she was like the most chill, least dramatic person that Beca had ever met.

“Are you guys getting close?” Chloe asked with a grin, her hands rubbing absently on her belly.

“Yeah, totally!” Beca grinned and gave Emily a shoulder bump.

Emily didn’t return it, instead she frowned, letting out a little groan, “I don’t know.” Her lips pursed so tight that they disappeared and her head shook.

“What? Dude, stop stressing. We so have this.” She watched Emily flush and begin rummaging through the papers as though she had lost something desperately important.

Um.

That was new.

She had only seen Emily behaving like this once before. Just like Chloe, Emily was kind of straightforward in a weird way; if she liked something or disliked it you knew. She didn’t hide it. The only time that Emily had seemed, she didn’t know, like _this_ was post her first Bellas performance when she had been sure that the Bellas were going to go down in flames and her only chance to really ‘be’ one was going to be that one terrible performance. She had been terrified that she would be known as that not-really-a-Bella - Bella and that she was never going to be able to live up to her mother's legacy. She had been secretly very upset but was so freaking sweet and frankly awkward that she had just shuffled around for a week, refusing to make eye contact and twitching, rushing out of the room whenever someone tried to talk to her new behavior. They had all been a little concerned until finally, at a party, Emily had gotten a little tipsy and had confessed the whole thing to Stacie - who had laughed and then threatened to ‘pop her in the tit’ next time because they had all begun to wonder if she was on drugs.

Beca watched her twitch, flipping through the pages so hard that the book accidentally shot to the ground.

She glanced at Chloe and saw that Chloe was looking concerned too.

Okay so not totally in her head. “Dude, are you alright?”

“What?” Emily jumped like she had been goosed. “Yeah, of course. Totally. What? Why?” Emily’s huge doe eyes flashed between them.

Beca frowned, exchanging another look with Chloe, “‘Cause uh,” she frowned, “You know what? Never mind.”

The toast popped out of the toaster accenting the strange silence in the room and Beca decided to be the one to grab it, trying not to send Emily appraising looks over her shoulder. “So um,” Beca decided perhaps the best thing to do was to distract for the time being. Jitters were just jitters. “What do you think of the name Willa?”

Emily frowned, “Willow? Like...the short little dwarf man from that one movie?” Beca’s eyebrows shot up. “Uh, it’s one of Benji’s favorites. Forget it, never mind, uh, pretend I didn’t say anything. Okay, what? What about Willow?”

She knew what she was talking about. Benji had made she and Jesse watch the movie like four times in college but um… “Will _a_ . This one here,” Beca pointed an accusing spoon at Chloe, “has decided to name this kid - _Willa_. As in, I dunno, freaking Willa.”

“Oh my god!” Emily cried, dropping her notebook so it fell to the floor all over again, “That’s so pretty!”

Chloe beamed like her day had just been made and Beca groaned. She had thought from Emily’s original response that she would have a damn ally in this!

“You like it?” Chloe all but bubbled.

“So much! Oh my god, I can totally see a little redheaded girl named Willa! That’s so pretty! Oh my god, Chlo, so cute!”

Beca growled, “Traitor, you’re supposed to be on my side!” But then she had to laugh as Chloe gave Emily a happy hug and stuck her tongue out at Beca over Emily’s shoulder.

“She can’t, Bec,” Chloe laughed, “It’s a good name.”

“Oh come on, you are willingly setting that kid up to get beat up all through elementary school.”

Chloe let out a dramatic gasp, “I am not!”

“Yuh-huh.”

“Oh, you take it back!”

“Nope, can’t.” She said with a sad shake of her head.

“Take it back!”

“I literally can’t! It’s the truth and you can’t take back the truth.”

Chloe gasped again, Beca’s favorite twinkle sparking to life in her eyes. The thing was - Chloe didn’t seem to totally get it… or she did - but the moment that Chloe climbed up her back, biting her neck in punishment Beca knew she would pretty much do anything _but_ take it back.

“Can’t do it! Can’t do it, Chlo! Come on, they’re going to ask her if her mother braids her armpit hair or if that’s _her_ chore every week.”

Chloe’s fingers jabbed into Beca’s side, hitting her ticklish spot.

“Which,” she squeaked, “brings up a very good point. I mean, _are_ you going to have her do it or are you just going to keep doing it yourself?”

Chloe let out an indignant shriek and attacked.

They wrestled like that for a while, laughing and teasing and it seemed to help Emily’s stress level. Perhaps it was the happy mood in the room, or perhaps it was having everything be so normal again but soon Emily was laughing with them, cheering on Chloe.

That was.

Until Beca learned that those ‘changes’ Emily wanted to make were actually code for Emily had decided that she wanted to rewrite _all_ of their already completed songs.

She had, somehow in the wrestling, climbed onto Chloe’s back but now hearing that, she dropped off staring, “Em...but, what? Are you kidding? They’re good! These are totally awesome! Like, I wish I could write that well.”

Emily just scuffed her shoe.

No wonder Emily had seemed so nervous that morning.

“So um, yeah, but the thing is, they’re not!”

“They are! Dude, we have to start recording soon. Like - by Monday. It has to happen. We’re gonna run out of time before Kendra gets here.”

“What? By Monday?” Emily yelped like someone had just kicked her and dropped her notebook...again.

“Yeah, dude! I mean, I guess it doesn’t have to be exactly that soon but yeah, soonish would be good. And the tracks are really good! They’re amazing!”

Emily’s mouth was hanging slack as she glanced nervously between Beca and Chloe, “I don’t know, Bec, I really, like really, don’t think we can. We’re not ready! I mean, have you, this all, oh my gosh, it’s all so freaking not good.”

“But it iiiiiiis!”

Emily just scowled.

So, because in the end this was Emily’s album, she and Beca went to work over the next two days, rewriting all of Emily’s songs in their spare time. Which Beca wasn’t totally psyched about but okay, there were worse things than going back to hanging out over takeout with one of her best friends up in her studio.

At least, normally that was true but this time it was kind of stressful. No matter how hard they worked, no matter how good the songs were - and they really were very good - Emily seemed to hate them. Beca got it, all artists kind of hated their stuff. She had learned a long time ago that you couldn’t really argue with them when it came to that; they always had a more critical eye. But Emily - she was off the deep end; finding nitpicking reasons to turn the songs down and go back to the drawing board. There was always an air of palpable tension near her. In Beca’s opinion Emily was just a little too worried about this album and the recording process. She talked about it obsessively.

It was frustrating the hell out of Beca...though...honestly, and she did feel bad about this, but she was having a hard time focusing completely on that. On any of it, really. Though she was sitting up in her studio, half of her mind was downstairs.

Chloe just kind of hadn’t left.

It was great.

She and Emily would be working at the table, pouring over the lyrics while Chloe would be on the couch behind them, reading a book, or going over her future course materials. They would be downstairs, spread across the couches and Chloe would be across the room, stretched over her yoga mat. Just like before, Beca would wake, they would cook, they would go about their days and see one another at the end. It was so goddamn homey that Beca could barely handle it.

It was good.

It was awesome.

So she was kind of pissed when despite all of that Beca woke before sunrise the morning of the third day, drenched in sweat and, oh, those were tears, weren’t they?

Fuck.

Her heart was racing, her mind playing Jeremy’s slack face over and over, each one feeling like a punch to the gut.

“Shit.” She mumbled into the darkness, her quaking hands coming up to rub her face clean. “Fuck.” Why now? She didn’t get it. Why now? She had fallen asleep easily. It had been amazing even. She had fallen asleep next to Chloe while she had a whispered phone conversation with Aubrey. She had literally fallen asleep to the sound of her voice! And it had been months now since Jeremy had died. Nothing had freaking changed, not the ways she felt about this situation, not anything. Why were these dreams coming now? “Fuck,” she whimpered again, her body shaking as a soundless sob forced a few more tears to spring loose.

“Are you okay?” Chloe’s voice was soft, gentle in the silent room but it still made her jump. She glanced over embarrassed when she realized that not only was her bedmate awake but she was up on one elbow, a look of fearful worry on her face. So not only had she woken someone who sleeps like the dead, but apparently she had done it awhile ago.

Awesome.

The dream had ended a little earlier than normal. She had woken with her fingers still pressed against Jeremy's cold skin; she could still feel it on her fingertips. She pulled her fingers under the blankets, shoving them between her thighs so they would warm. Maybe it was Chloe who had pulled her out of it. She didn’t know if she should say thank you or not. Beca opened her mouth but she couldn’t answer, her throat was thick with tears and frankly she would really rather choke on them than let them out right then.

She just really - really, really didn’t want to do that right now.

“Baby?”

Beca took in a shuddering breath, but she wasn’t awake enough, she could tell. She was awake enough to know she needed to wake up fully, but not enough to know how to shake off the grip of the dream. She could still feel the panic, she could still feel her outside knowledge that she was turning away from him, that she was letting Jeremy die. “Fuck,” she whimpered, pressing her arms against her eyes, trying to hide the fact that she was crying again.

Damn it!

“Beca.” Chloe breathed, pulling Beca into her arms, closing her in tightly.

Beca curled up against her, her hand locking into red curls, holding herself in place. She took a deep breath, taking in the scent of the woman that she had known so long, this stupid awesome woman who had somehow wiggled under every shield and wall she created and had become her safety. Immediately she could feel the scent working through her, calming her and warming her dark spots.

“It’s Jeremy, isn’t it?”

“What?” Beca jumped, her hands convulsing tightly in response. She didn’t want to hear his name.

“You were talking in your sleep. You said ‘he’s dying’.” Chloe’s voice shook as though seeing Beca’s pain was bringing her to tears, “Why didn’t you tell me, Bec?”

Beca didn’t answer. She had literally nothing at all to say.

“When did they start?”

She didn’t answer that either.

When had they started?

Right after you left.

She wondered vaguely if that feeling of loss, the one that had accompanied Chloe’s step away from her, away from _them_ , had maybe triggered something in her - because, she would be pathetic like that.

It made sense. It wasn’t just Jeremy anymore. Sometimes the dream was far simpler. Sometimes it was just remembering the crying face of her mother the day that her father had walked out on them, sometimes it was remembering that last hug and the sadly resigned look he had given her just before he shut the door and was gone.

Which - was just - freaking great.

“Beca, it wasn’t your fault.”

“I know. I never said I thought - it’s just - you don’t have a lot of say in what you dream, Chlo.” God, she felt so stupid, even worse now that she was being held by Chloe. She had already cried about this. It needed to be over.

“I know.” She felt Chloe push her hair back and kiss her forehead.

The doorbell peeled from downstairs, making Beca jump. A sudden fear pulsed through her, making her hold tighter to Chloe as her brain worked, telling her whoever it was, it couldn’t be good. “Uh...”

“That’s what woke me up,” Chloe muttered against her forehead.

“Someone’s here?”

“Yeah.”

“What freaking time is it?”

“Late.”

Beca frowned, her heart beating hard. She knew it was the dream that was making her feel this way but fuck, her veins were filling with absolute panic. Something was wrong. Clearly. “Shit.” Fuck. A million things flashed behind her eyes, everything from realistic to totally stupid as she pulled on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. She half ran down the stairs, terrified and threw open the door. Her already sore heart leapt and she knew she had been right, something had happened, something very bad. Her hand closed on the door handle, truly wondering how much more she could take. For just one fleeting and horrible moment it took over; stress, exhaustion, the last few months of ups and downs and all she wanted to do was lie down, cover herself with a blanket and make it all go away.

There had just been so much, too much; she was so tired.

Emily stood there, her face drenched, tears falling in fast waves, so fast that Beca had never seen them that way, not from Emily who was usually so upbeat and positive. Even when they had gone out drinking together, Emily had never been one of those to get drunk and become a sloppy, tear-stained mess.

“Crap, Em, what happened?”

The girl hiccuped, her shoulders bobbing up and down as she sobbed. “I’m sorry,” she wailed, “I’m sorry, I know it’s late and I know Chloe is here, I’m sorry!” She sniffed, turning purple as she tried to hold back any more tears.

“ _Dude_ , what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“Benji and I had a fight. Can I - can I stay here for a few days?”

“Errr-” Beca’s eyebrows pulled together. It was only the surprise that made her hesitate. Benji and Emily didn’t fight. Ever. They were kind of freaks that way. They never fought. “Of course. Uh, come in, do you uh, do you want to talk about it?”

“Emily?”

Beca was relieved to see Chloe coming down the stairs, she was better at this than Beca was.

“Oh my god, Emily, sweetie, what’s wrong?”

“Benji and I - I think - he - I had to - I think we - we’re fighting.”

“Oooh, sweetie.” Chloe swept past her, giving her arm a small squeeze as she went and then wrapped Emily in a tight hug. Emily cried harder and, feeling kind of like a shit friend, Beca rubbed her back.

“Come on. Let’s get you settled.” Chloe insisted, her eyes concerned, following each change in Emily’s face. Beca took one of the bags that Emily had over her shoulder and followed them as they started up the stairs toward the spare rooms.

She had no freaking idea what could have possibly happened between them. They were both so weird but they were like, pretty much perfect for one another.

“Why don’t you put on something comfy and then come and talk to us?” Chloe asked, stroking Emily’s arm.

Emily sniffed, rubbing her red nose with her forearm and nodded.

Chloe gave her a soft smile and reached for Beca’s hand, holding it tightly and pulling her downstairs. “What about you? Are you okay?” Chloe stopped them before they sat, looking over every inch of Beca’s face. “I’m worried about you.”

“I’m alright.” Beca shrugged, hoping it was convincing and hoping that she didn’t notice that her fingers were still shaking even though they were enclosed in Chloe’s hand.

Chloe’s lips pursed and she eyed her skeptically but, after giving her a this-will-be-brought-up-again-soon look, she asked, “What do you think happened with them?”

“I have literally no idea. It’s weird. Benji is so laid back, I don’t know if I’ve ever seen him get pissed about anything. I kind of just assumed they never fought, I assumed that they just like bartered about doing whatever the _other one_ wanted until they came to some type of middle ground. Well no,” Beca ran her hand through her hair and flopped down onto the couch, “there was that one time that Benji caught Jesse playing with one of his doll - action -figure - things. He got pretty mad then, but otherwise...”

Emily came downstairs a few minutes later, her eyes downcast as she cuddled between them like a lost kitten.

“Do you want to tell us what happened, sweetie?”

Emily just shook her head, resting it on Chloe’s shoulder, her feet burying under Beca’s thigh.

“Do you want to just sit for a while?” Chloe asked, brushing her fingertips across Emily’s forehead in her most soothing way.

Emily nodded.

“Okay, we can do that.”

Beca’s hand fell to Emily’s shin, her heart hurting for her. It had to be serious, whatever it was. What the hell could have happened to make Benji kick her out? Or had Emily left on her own? Either way, they had been together forever now. It had to be bad.

Emily didn’t want to talk. She just wanted to sit between them in silence. They agreed.

She wasn’t sure how long it had been when she felt the leg under her hand go slack, relaxing as Emily’s hitching breath evened out into long, deep snores.

Chloe turned and gave Beca a small smile, her arm protectively around Emily’s shoulder.

Beca smiled back, that warmth that came with Chloe filling her as her eyes began to close too. She struggled against the pull, trying to stay awake, knowing they all should head upstairs to their beds but eventually she lost the fight.

They woke the next morning a bit late and all extremely sore. Emily had slumped down into Chloe’s lap, her feet sprawled and pinning Beca down; but though she was sore she smiled, this was kind of a good way to wake up, right? She searched for a word to describe what she was feeling but she couldn’t track one down. It reminded her of being a kid and going to visit her grandma for the holidays. She had always been forced to take the sofa bed with all of her cousins. It had pissed her off every single time because her cousins were all huge lumberjack boys who farted constantly but in the morning they all would hang out there in their pajamas, eating breakfast and watching cartoons. And that part had always kinda been fun.

She had no idea what time it was as she reached for her phone, doing her best not to disturb the other two women. What should they do for Emily? She had no idea. Was it better to just let her hang out until she was ready to talk it out with Benji? Should they encourage her to go home? She had no idea and all thoughts of that were pushed to the back of her mind when she saw that she had a text from P.J.

“Hey tiger, the last of the equipment was delivered. (Sunglasses emoji) Let’s go over there together this afternoon and look it over. I think it can be open within a week if you don’t care about decoration. Bring that girl of yours too. (Celebration hands emoji)”

Beca let out a scoff. P.J.’s texts had been looking increasingly like Hunny’s used to the more he worked with EZTeez.

Across the couch Chloe’s head rose, her fingers rubbing her eyes before she gave a little wave.

Beca waved back and handed her the phone to read the text.

Chloe’s eyes bugged from their sockets, her head jerking back toward the kitchen.

“How is that already possible?” Chloe hissed when they had both, with great effort, wriggled their way out from under Emily so they could sprint to the kitchen and talk.

“I dunno, I wasn’t really paying attention, I guess. I’ve been working kinda - hard, I um, I guess.” With a single-minded focus was more accurate. “It was just, um, easier than I thought it would be. I dunno, we should go but is it wrong to leave Emily?” Beca filled the kettle with water to make coffee, chewing on her lip as she thought, “would that be like a total dick move or…”

“I think it depends on what happened.”

“Right. Yeah, of course.” She gave a half guilty shrug. Right. She knew that.

“I don’t know.” Chloe sighed, running her hands through her hair before they fell onto her hips. “Maybe not. Whatever it is, she’ll only be here for a while. She and Benji are perfect together. And I’m sure she would understand us going. She might even want an afternoon alone.”

“Ugh,” Beca groaned quietly, “They _are_ kind of perfect together. I literally don’t know any other couples that are that freakin’ perfect.” Something about the way Chloe was looking at her made her blush and laugh out, “Okay, weirdo.”

Chloe just grinned.

It was hard to say who was really more excited as they pulled up to the front of the building. Chloe was chewing her lip with a punishing fury, her eyes dancing and Beca felt like she had been given a sugar and red bull cocktail that could put any teenager on their ass. She was excited but she was so much more excited to show it to Chloe, which made her lame; but they had already established as of late that she was freaking lame. She scrambled out of the car as soon as she had put it into park, chewing her cheek so she didn’t let out happy little pigeon noises. She hadn’t actually seen the storefront since it had been changed, Beca hadn’t realized it was already happening! She could have sworn that the makers of her sign had said they were behind on the delivery but no, there it was! Holy shit, there it was! That shit said ‘Grasshopper Recordings’, holy crap. Right there! In front of her! She could see it!

The outside of the building had been cleaned and painted, and the sign which had used to hang crooked and faded was now centered, fresh and new. Okay, so she knew it was also lame to call it ‘Grasshopper Recordings’ but she loved it, especially the pretty yet slightly masculine script, followed by the hand sketched shape of a grasshopper. It looked nothing like her tattoo but it was totally awesome.

She hadn’t realized she was standing and staring up at the logo until she felt Chloe’s hand slip into hers. “I’m so proud of you.”

Beca beamed.

“Come on.” And it was Chloe who pulled Beca inside.

“So?” Chloe sighed, “Do I get the tour?”

She tried to hold in her excitement when Chloe grinned her special Beca grin and took her hand. “Uh, yeah totally. Do you want the five cent tour or-”

“No!” Chloe glared as though Beca had just kicked a puppy and then squeezed her hand, “I want the special-V.I.P.-I-know-the-sexy-producer tour.”

It took Beca a second to recover. “Okay well. This uh, well, this is the lobby.” She waved her hand around the large empty room they had just stepped into, “Obviously. Right. Duh. Yeah. So, it’s kinda bare right now, I know. They just laid the carpet and painted the whole place so, err, yeah. Plus, that wasn’t so important, you know?”

“Right, you can always decorate once you’re open.”

“Yeah, totally.” She felt kind of silly showing Chloe around like this, but at the same time she kind of really, really wanted to. “Uh, over there,” She pulled Chloe by the hand across the lobby and to the far left end. She opened the first door to a simple bathroom, “Whatever. Bathroom. Much like all the other bathrooms ever.” Chloe chuckled, “And this,” she opened the second door and let Chloe go in before her, “I’m gonna turn this into a breakroom kitchen thing.”

“So like, a few comfy chairs, fridge, microwave and coffee maker kind of thing?”

“Yeah. Where _someone else_ is going to make the coffee. Not the producer. Aka, me.” Okay, was she smiling like an idiot? Yeah, totally smiling like an idiot. Stop it. “So yeah, and there,” she pulled them back out and pointed to the large half moon desk cross the room and just to the right of the front door. “That’s where I’m going to put Josie. And then through here,” she led her to the single door that was behind the desk and to the right, “Is the studio.”

“So what are you thinking?” Chloe asked and Beca eyed her, wondering if Chloe was just humoring her. She kind of didn’t think so, honest interest was written all over her face.

“Um. Something like I have at home, I guess. A few couches and a table, comfortable but professional. And then that,” She pointed to the far wall where there was plastic sheeting covering her equipment, “is the best freaking part. And uh, obviously through there,” she pointed to the window and glass door just beside the equipment, “is the isolation booth.”

Chloe gave her a smirk and Beca felt her ears go warm, knowing Chloe was thinking of their last time in an isolation booth together, when the background track for ‘Jungle Gym’ had been created. “Oh my god, shut up.” Beca laughed, despite the fact that Chloe said nothing and Chloe’s smile just grew.

The place was small, yeah, it was nothing like Residual Heat in Georgia but it was perfect as far as she was concerned.

“Bex?” They both jumped when someone called her from the lobby.

“In here!”

‘Heeeey, you two!” P.J. grinned, “You already take a look around?”

“Yup!” Chloe beamed.

“Did you take a look at this?” He grinned as he pulled off the plastic sheeting.

“Holy shit.” She froze, blinking at the elaborate setup, “Dude, I thought I was gonna-”

“Neh,” P.J. grinned, “I called tech to set it up, no point in wasting your time.”

Beca just blinked.

Would it be totally losery if she cried right now?

She stepped forward and let her hand ghost over the machinery.

“Can you tell me what everything is?” Chloe’s gorgeous voice came from nearby and Beca looked up, grinning. She hadn’t noticed but Chloe’s hand had moved, clutching her one in her two. She loved the way that she was looking at her now.

“Well,” and in a soft voice she walked her through each thing, explaining the intricacies, why she chose it over others and only blushed a little when she got to the small a cappella only equipment. Chloe just smiled, watching her face in a way that made Beca’s heart feel like it was going to explode. She never seemed annoyed, or tired or bored, she only listened with undivided attention, nodding as Beca went through it, giving her hand a little encouraging squeeze whenever Beca realized she was talking too much and stopped.

“You got me thinking of updating my studio too, Bex,” P.J. admitted when she was done.

Beca laughed, “But really though, you should.” She took a second to glance around in wonder, “Holy shit.”

“It’s so cool, Bec. Just think about all of the amazing things that are going to happen here. Also, since you have the a capella equipment we should totally have the Bellas in to record something.”

Beca’s cheeks flushed as she thought, rather happily, of what that would look like, of the things each of the Bellas would say. She grinned and then flushed brighter when she saw Chloe watching her with a knowing eye. Beca grinned.

Chloe laughed, leaning forward to kiss her, “You’re amazing.”

Oh my god, her freaking chest was going to explode right now. Holy shit. Too much. What the hell was happening? She didn’t get this lucky!

They didn’t stay long. As much as Beca wanted to stay and just freaking hang out in the space, there wasn’t actually much to do there. They spent a moment discussing possible decorations and then, slightly worried about Emily, they headed off.

“Let’s stop at the store on the way home.”

“Hmm?” Beca had been chewing her thumbnail as she drove, not really biting it, she didn’t do that anymore but she had been thinking hard about the setup and the equipment and her thumb had just kind of found its way there.

“You have like no food. Let’s stop. We can cook together.”

Right now Chloe could have literally told her to do anything and Beca would have said ‘yes ma’am, how high’. Okay, maybe that was true most of the time but the way that Chloe had been looking at her for the last little while, it was fucking enchanting...and maybe a little confusing.

How could she look at her like this and yet have them be in such a strange limbo like place? Yeah, it wasn’t really about that, she got that, but the hell?

Unless…

Was she just totally making up that look in her head?

She considered that seriously as she parked, not really paying much attention to the woman beside her. Could she be? Oh god, she totally could be, she could -

Beca yelped as before she could get out of the car Chloe grabbed her by the neck, pulling her into a long, deep kiss that made her brain go all fuzzy.

She let out a small dumb laugh, “What was that for?”

“You’re just, you’re so amazing, Bec.”

She didn’t know what to say so she just laughed again, making Chloe smile.

“Are you complaining about the kissing?”

“Oh yeah,” Beca scoffed and said in her best dry monotone, “I hate it. It’s terrible. Stop.”

Chloe gave her that sparkling grin and kissed her again, so strong and fierce that Beca’s hands began to itch, thinking that there was a good chance that Chloe was going to climb over the center divider and into her lap. Her breath rocked from her hard as she imagined Chloe perched over her. She had no complaints.

Also, she realized, if they were cooking dinner that night…did that mean that Chloe was going to stay again?

She was considering pulling her over when Chloe finally sat back, her playful eyes dark in a way that Beca knew.

“Come on, Captain,” she grinned and started out of the car.

Beca’s belly gave a long pull and she cried after her, “Is it weird that I just found that totally hot? Chloe? I know you can hear me! Hey!”

Chloe turned, already halfway to the door and gave her a lascivious wink.

Beca groaned.

She loved it when Chloe was in this mood. It had to be the freaking studio, that or P.J. had dropped something in their drinks. She kept teasing, poking her sides, biting her shoulder as they went through the aisles and of course Beca scowled, but inside she was eating it up.

She loved having the attention of this woman. It could be sold as the next euphoria drug.

“Oh my god, Chlo, stop it!” Beca cried in a whisper as Chloe skipped slightly down the produce aisle, singing a pop song in a low key. “Everyone is looking at us!”

“Come on, Bec, you know the words.”

“No,Idon’t!” Beca hissed, considering throwing a cucumber at her as her cheeks reddened. Oh my god, this was so embarrassing.

Chloe carefully gathered a few bell peppers, her hair bouncing as she rocked a little, shooting Beca amused glances.

Beca pointedly pretended to ignore her, ‘pretended’ being the operative word as she couldn’t seem to keep her eyes from her for more than a few seconds. Which meant that so far she had tried to drop a head of lettuce into the plastic bag and had missed, dropping it to the floor, had walked into her own cart and had tripped on nothing at all; all because she couldn’t keep her eyes on her actual task. Still, Chloe was having none of that right now, even pretending to ignore her was unacceptable.

“ _I’m walkin’ on sunshine, WHOA OOOH!_ ” She sang plopping a bag of carrots into the cart and grabbing Beca’s arm, trying to spin her.

“Uh, I don’t know you.” Beca jumped away.

“ _I’m walking on sunshine, WHOAAAA OOOOOOH!_ ”

“Ohmygod,stopit!”

“ _AND DON’T IT FEEL_ GOOD!”

“Dude,ohmygod!” Beca hissed, rolling her eyes as Chloe finally won, pulling her from the cart and dancing her in a circle. She was totally humiliated and wanted to crawl into a hole but she also kind of loved it and couldn’t stop laughing.

“ _Hey!_ ” Chloe sang, giving her a hip bump, her head and shoulders bopping in place as she took the cart from her and steered it further down the aisle. “ _Alright!_ ”

Beca tried to hide behind a display of squash but Chloe grabbed her and pulled her along. She tried to casually walk away as though she wasn’t with the crazy - and kind of cute - lady but Chloe tossed her a bag of spinach and she couldn’t just let it hit the floor.

Chloe was grinning at her too adorably. She felt her cheeks twitch and, though she was staring up at the ceiling, she felt her grin crack.

“Yes!” Chloe laughed, and not seeming to care that they were in the middle of a store, planted a giant kiss on her lips.

Beca blushed, and just because she wanted to see what Chloe would do she sang back, in a much lower voice than Chloe’s, “ _And don’t it feel good!”_

Chloe’s smile could have lit Times Square.

She let out a little yelp as Chloe kissed her again, returning it despite the eyes that she could feel. Chloe turned, humming again but Beca caught her, pulling her back in for another kiss before she let her go, Chloe’s cheeks a little pink as she watched her hum, rubbing her tiny baby bump and heading over to the fruit.

Fuck, she loved her a little too much.

Damn it.

She shoved at the thought, not willing to deal with it right now.

“Oh uh, should I call the nice men with the white jacket?” Beca asked when she was near her again, glancing at her out of the corner of her eye.

Chloe just grinned, “That’s not it.”

“Oh no?”

“Nope. I just like you is all.” Chloe grinned, giving her another small peck.

Beca’s heart both rose and crashed all at once, “Well that’s good, I guess.”

“Miss Beale?”

They both jumped, caught in their silly playful mood; Beca’s mind irrationally yelling oh god, they’re kicking us out! I’m about to be kicked out of a grocery store! Chloe got us kicked out!

“Mrs. Clark!” Chloe cried coming to a stop so abruptly that Beca bounced off the cart; Chloe’s face going a slight shade of pale as her fingers interlocked in front of her, hands wringing.

Beca frowned, glancing between them as she rubbed the spot that the cart had hit. Who the hell could make Chloe go from playful to tense in .02 seconds? No one but Marcy and her parents, at least in Beca’s experience.

“Oh please, I already told you, call me Claudia!” The woman smiled, pushing her cart until it was alongside theirs.

“Claudia! Hi, how are you? Chloe, please.” The two women shook hands.

“Just fine, do you live around here? My goodness my, that’s going to be quite a trek for you every day!”

Chloe let out an awkward laugh, “Yeah, it will be but that’s alright. Um,” she turned to Beca, her eyes blown just a little too large, just a little too wild, “This is Claudia, she’s principal for the school I just - for - um, for -at Walton.” She gave a breathy laugh.

“Oh!” Beca said, understanding. She glanced between them, trying to clear the confusion off of her face, “Hi. Nice to meet you.” She held out her hand and Claudia shook it.

“That little display was so cute. I see we hired the right person to teach our children how to love music. Anyone who is willing to sing like nobody's watching in the middle of a grocery store will be perfect for us! I’m sorry, I’m being so rude! Is this your girlfriend? How long have you two been together?” Claudia beamed at Chloe as they spoke.

The woman hadn’t missed a beat, she didn’t seem weirded out or uncomfortable or anything. Actually what she said had been kind of amazing and yet Chloe was growing increasingly pale. Beca could _see_ that Chloe was flustered so she instead looked for something to say that would save them all from the silence that was quickly lengthening. She opened her mouth, the ‘no, just friends’ on her lips but Chloe beat her to it.

“Yes!” Chloe let out a high tinkle of laughter, “This is Beca, my girlfriend.”

“Awwe,” Claudia smiled, “How long have you guys been together now? I would wager it’s been a long time, right?”

Waaaaaaait. Beca unfroze enough to wonder why the fuck this random woman would think that but again Chloe spoke.

“It’s uh, fairly new but we’ve um, we’ve been friends for a long time.” Chloe glanced at her.

The room was spinning.

Why was the room spinning like this? She felt like she was on a boat, the floor swaying lightly under her feet. The hell? Who turned off gravity? She blinked a few times, knowing she probably had a very stupid look on her face and not really sure if she had _any_ control over the proper muscles that would change it.

Had Chloe just said that?

Had something changed?

Something had changed, hadn’t it!

Is that what this giggly-weird-effervescent mood was about?

She looked to Chloe, who was grinning politely at Claudia.

No, she could feel the tension radiating from the redhead.

Still there was a stupid part of her that wondered… They had been so passionate recently, kissing and hugging and the sex had been kind of different. Chloe had absolutely lost it when Sophie had put her phone number into Beca’s phone. She had gotten all…possessive. Maybe this was how she was telling her. She could see Chloe doing that. Don’t bother to explain, don’t do or say anything, just decide and then move on. Maybe it was one of those situations where if she just pretended like it was totally normal then there would be no pressure and they could let it be true.

She realized her mouth was hanging open and she snapped it shut with an audible snap, nearly taking off the tip of her tongue.

“We’re so _excited_ to have Chloe joining us at Walton this year,” Claudia said in a conspiratorial voice to Beca and Beca forced a grin to her lips.

Okay, get your shit together, Mitchell. “Yeah, she’s a great teacher! You guys made a good choice!”

“We’re lucky that someone didn’t snatch her away first. And that voice!” Claudia gave Chloe a kind pat on the shoulder and a wink for Beca, “Our children are going to be very happy. Which makes us very happy.”

Chloe let out a titter, “Thank you, Claudia, I’m very excited as well!”

Beca tried to catch up. Claudia was talking to her like anyone would talk to a significant other. It was so normal, so totally normal, or at least it would be if Chloe wasn’t making this awkward. It was so clear that Chloe was freaking the fuck out and she was getting paler and paler by the minute. God, she had the worst fucking poker face! She watched Chloe’s face drop in color a little more. It was kind of starting to worry her a little bit, actually.

“Are you alright?” Claudia finally asked, her look genuinely concerned.

“What?” Chloe jumped, “Oh yeah,” she clicked on her megawatt smile.

“Baby kicking, Chlo?” Beca offered, trying hard to stop the weirdness. Why was Chloe being so weird? This was not that big of a deal!

Still, she began popping her knuckles, worrying that perhaps she was going to crack under the pressure of Chloe trying not to crack.

Chloe gave another laugh, her hand going to her stomach, “Yeah, I’m not quite used to that yet.”

“I haven’t been lucky enough to have a baby but my sister used to jump whenever my nephew turned over,” Claudia said conversationally, “You must be excited about the baby, Beca!” This time it was Beca who let out an awkward laugh, Chloe’s wild eyes somehow hurting every time they bounced but did not land on her. “I can’t remember, do you know the sex yet?”

The fuck was happening right now? Claudia was just being nice, trying to include Beca in the conversation, but she was beginning to wish this chat was over. “Um, a girl.” She managed to get out of her overly dry throat.

“Oh that’s lovely!”

“Mmm.”

“Well, it seems our timing was perfect.”

“Yeah, it was!” Beca nodded, feeling the skin around her lips stretching uncomfortably.

“Well anyway, I’ll let you two get back to your shopping. Chloe, I look forward to seeing you after Christmas break. Beca, it was very nice to meet you. We’re having a staff Christmas party in a few weeks, you both should join us.”

“Um, yeah, absolutely! Email me the information, please.”

“Okay, I can do that, ladies. Have a good day!”

“You too,” Beca grinned, giving her another handshake.

They both watched Claudia go, feet glued to the floor until she rounded the corner and disappeared.

Beca didn’t want to turn, she realized with a shock. She didn’t want to turn around and face whatever was about to happen with Chloe because she knew, yeah, she knew it was going to be bad. 

 _..._ Maybe _...maybe_  she even kind of deserved for it to be bad. 

She sent Chloe a side glance and saw Chloe looking at her again, her face as white as paper.

Beca cleared her throat and turned, starting slowly the opposite direction that Claudia had gone.

She didn’t know where she was going but she needed to move.

And each step she took in silence felt like a mallet to the heart.

That hadn’t been real, come on, she had known it as soon as she heard it. She had known it and yet she was fucking stupid enough to have that one moment, that one stupid moment where she had honestly thought that maybe - fuck, what the hell was wrong with her? Why wasn't she just  _talking to her?_ Why was she just waiting, not giving any hints or clues to what she really wanted? Why was she doing this? 

Then again. This is Chloe. She was supposed to already know what was happening in Beca's head, right? That was kind of how they worked.

The hurt washed through her like a hurricane, drenching her insides. It was so weird. Chloe – yeah she had hurt _over_ Chloe before but had she ever hurt _because_ of Chloe? Like this, this kind of dark, black ache? That was the kind of thing that Chloe usually tried to avoid like the plague. Chloe was the type of person who hurt just because you were hurting. So even though, yeah, Beca was hurting – it wasn’t like that was on purpose, right? Except, she felt a match lite low in her belly and she ignited, except this was so totally stupid. That had been totally stupid. And this was kind of Chloe’s fault! Why wasn't she just bridging the gap?

She was - angry. She was suddenly so angry.

She hadn’t meant to speak and yet she heard herself ask in a small voice, so soft she wasn’t sure Chloe would hear it, “Girlfriends? Is that what we are?” She let out a little bitter laugh, “Aren’t we a little old for that? We’re not in high school.” She felt Chloe flinch more than she saw her. “Should I give you my class ring, Chlo?”

“I didn’t know what else to say.” Chloe’s voice was almost a whine, “I don’t know her like at all, we’ve only met for a few minutes during the interview. I didn’t want her to think, I mean, what would I say to her?”

Beca shrugged, “You could say the truth. ‘No, this is my best friend who I _fuck_ on occasion.’” The words had just come out without her permission at all. Shit.

"To my future  _boss,_ Beca?"

"I don't know!"

“Bec!” Chloe whimpered, and Beca felt terrible. Why did she always have to spread her hurt around when she was feeling it? That hadn't even been fair! 

“Sorry! I just - people ask me about the baby like I’m the freaking father and I’m not - I’m not even your girlfriend so it gets - I dunno, it gets awkward. It’s weird. Like, what am I supposed to do with that?”

Chloe stopped walking, her doe eyes suddenly wide, “Is this what has been up with you?”

“What?”

“I don’t know, Beca!” Chloe’s hands were beginning to wring again, this time tighter, more constricted as her tension grew, “I keep, I keep thinking that things are okay because you _promised_ me that if they weren't, you would tell me. You _promised_ me, Beca! So I keep thinking I'm _wrong_ because I trust you - so I have to be, you would tell me. And then I get this feeling. And then things seem fine and I think I’m crazy. Are they not okay? Because if they’re not okay then can you just _tell me_ instead of letting me feel crazy? Can you please just talk to me? Tell me what's happening in your head!”

And there it was.

Yeah, she had promised and then kind of not done that but...  
Beca chewed her lip, she had been working so hard since Henderson to hide these thoughts, to hide her distress and the dreams and her insecurity. But she was thinking of Nick’s voice at least once a day, his insistence that unless they had something ‘ _real_ ’ then Beca didn’t get a say in their lives, that Beca had always been a problem, that she was nothing.

How could she talk to her about that? How could she tell her what she needed?

She knew that Chloe had no idea how much his voice had carried, she knew that Chloe didn’t know she had heard, and yeah, she could tell her, but she wasn’t going to because she knew Chloe would be upset - but Nick - yeah, he had kind of been right. She blew out a deep breath, her hands running through her hair as she gathered herself to lie yet again, “Yeah, things are fine; nothing’s been up with me. It’s just weird. I have nowhere to stand.”

“Beca!” Chloe's voice came out strong, and in it Beca could hear the use of her full name despite the fact that Chloe had only said her first. Chloe’s hand grabbed hers, “Of course you do!” She cooed, a bit softer, “You’re _Beca_. You have a _permanent_ place - with both of us. Right here. Always. No matter what, you're Beca and I'm Chloe and that's just how that works.”

Beca just nodded, turning to continue down the produce aisle.

 

****

 

Chloe watched her go, confused and panicked. She could feel the panic in her chest, fluttering uncomfortably.

Was Beca lying?

She couldn’t - was she - why was she lying?

She had been sensing little flickers, little moments where something was clearly not right, almost like holes and thin spots in Beca’s inner walls - but - oh god, was she crazy? Or was Beca lying to her?

She didn’t know. How could she not know?

She always knew when Beca was lying to her.

If she was lying then she had never done it as well as she had been doing lately.

And that scared her.

Because the better that Beca lied, the closer she was to running, and the bigger whatever secret she was hiding actually was. 

People _did_ assume that this baby was Beca’s - constantly. She supposed they must look like a couple.

Chloe didn’t know what to do.

Beca _had_ to understand why she had said that to Claudia, right? She didn’t know her, she was her new boss, she couldn’t look as - complicated as she really was - as her life was right now. And Beca  _had said_ she understood why Chloe couldn't...not right now...

Was she lying? 

How many things was she lying about? 

How did she know what to believe? 

She cleared her throat, feeling that panic rising.

Oh god.

She watched Beca stop at the corner, waiting for her without looking in her direction, her thumbs in her back pockets, staring a little too hard at the tank of fresh lobster.

Beca had said everything was fine but Chloe could see in her face that it wasn’t.

She _wasn’t_ crazy.

She softly rubbed her throat, feeling a moment of phantom pain there.

Damn it.

She didn’t know what to do.

Every instinct of hers was shouting at her to run for her, to grab her, to hold her, to kiss her.

She started to take a step forward, to start for Beca but then she stopped again as a memory flashed through her mind, turning her stomach to oil.

She couldn’t remember exactly when it had happened, there hadn’t been anything special about that day other than this, and at the time this was even becoming quite frequent. She remembered sitting on the living room couch with a book at some point within the first year of her marriage. She had heard Nick coming through the door and had smiled, _mostly_ pleased to see him. She had happily called out a greeting, waiting for him to come to her, to kiss her, to anything. Instead he had given her a small smile and then headed straight into the kitchen to make himself a drink, loosening his tie as he went. They hadn’t been fighting that morning, or even the night before. As a matter of fact, there was nothing wrong with them. No one was upset.

It was just – how things were.

She would never forget it, never forget the moment of distance, how suddenly alone she had felt. It had been like watching fruit go bad on the vine and being able to do nothing about it.

At the time she had just opened her book again, staring blankly down at its pages to hide.

She hadn’t even been all of that surprised by it.

She had felt so alone.

She blinked away the memory, her stomach feeling strangely ill.

She wasn’t sure why the memory had popped into her mind so suddenly but she wished it hadn’t. It didn’t help how she was feeling just then at all, not as she stared at Beca’s blank face.

She saw Beca look up, expectantly, waiting for her so she took a step forward, pushing a smile onto her lips with all of her might.

She tried hard to get things back to normal while they finished shopping, making a few jokes, trying to smooth over whatever hurt she had created with the moment of awkwardness with her boss. She teased Beca, she made fun of herself and though they were laughing by the time they got to the checkout line, Chloe could feel it, that _thing_ she hadn’t been sure of before, that fissure. It was there. She hadn’t been crazy all along.

Knowing that didn’t make her feel better.

“Do you think I should talk to him?” Chloe asked as she clicked her seatbelt into place.

“Hmm?”

“Benji. Do you think I should talk to him? See if I can help?”

Beca frowned, “I don’t think so. I think it’s kind of between them, you know?”

Chloe chewed her lip, “Well, sometimes it helps to have an outside party mediate, right? I just think something is going on there, don’t you?”

“You mean more than a simple fight?”

Chloe nodded, wondering if now was a good time to tell her about the scent she kept picking up from Emily. The thing was, she still wasn’t sure of that either. She also kept thinking that she smelled oranges in her living room every day, but that couldn’t be right either. She hadn't even had any in the house. Her nose was just going a little haywire right now.

Things were already so uncomfortable.

God, she ran her hands over her temples, massaging softly, she hadn’t been sure of so much lately.

Tentatively, worried that Beca was still too upset with her, she reached across the car and let her fingers trace lightly over the back of Beca’s hand. She saw it twitch and waited.

After a second it turned over and relieved Chloe took it, bringing it to her lips and holding it there.

 

* * *

 

The evening was fine, it was normal and yet Chloe was miserable behind her smile.

She could swear, sitting between Beca and Emily, she would swear that she _smelled alcohol_ but - damn it, she wasn’t sure and getting closer to Emily didn’t verify if it was real. And Beca, she laughed at her jokes, she smiled and even teased back and yet - that thing was there under the surface, that thing somewhere below them.

They weren’t okay after meeting Claudia, not yet.

She went home that night because she felt like she needed to. No, she went home that night because this smiling though she was upset thing felt a little too familiar, a little too…

She didn’t really feel better when she opened the door to a quiet and empty apartment.

Things were so confusing and for whatever reason, she had Nick on her mind and she didn’t really like that. She wanted thoughts of him to go away, she wanted thoughts of that - to stop.

She kept thinking of that day, of how Nick had grown desolate, removed from her, how they had started eating dinner in silence, how they had started watching TV together at night instead of talking, sharing their days.

She changed into her favorite pair of pajamas and though it was kind of early, she slid into bed, pulling the blankets tight around her and dialed her best friend...well...her _other_ best friend.

“Hey, Brey.”

“Hey, Chlo - Chloe? What’s wrong?”

Chloe sighed, both loving and hating how much Aubrey always was able to read from her voice, not that the obvious shake to it didn’t give away plenty. “Nothing,” she tried and knew immediately that she had failed, “I don’t think. I don’t know.” She missed Brey. She always missed Brey but right now she missed her so much that she felt like her heart would explode. “Nothing, I just, I miss you so much, Brey.”

She could almost hear Aubrey’s jaw tighten, clenching so all of the muscles in her face stood out, “Is it Beca or is it the baby?”

She cuddled in deeper, putting the phone on speaker and placing in on the pillow next to her so it would sound like Aubrey was there, beside her, “Beca.”

Aubrey made a noise in her throat, “What did the munchkin do now?”

“Nothing?” But it came out more of a question than she had meant it to be. “I don’t know, I just, I don’t know.” She spent a while explaining about the thing she had been feeling, about not understanding and not being sure it was even real. “I feel paranoid, Brey and I can’t tell if I am or not.”

“So, wait a minute,” Aubrey interrupted her, “you told me you’re sleeping together. Did I misunderstand?”

“No. Why?”

“But you’re not together? Not that I’m encouraging that. Please don’t think I’m encouraging that.”

“I don’t think we can be, Brey. It isn’t fair to Beca. I am literally about to have a baby.”

“So?”

“So! So, that would so not be fair to Beca! Do you have any idea how hard a baby actually is? It would be so much for her, Brey. It would totally change her lifestyle and she’s so young. It would completely change everything for her and she shouldn’t have to feel like she has to do that. She shouldn’t be trapped by us.”

“She _told_ you that it was too much?” Aubrey snarled. “That little-”

“No, no, Brey, don’t get mad, please. She hasn’t said anything at all, well, um, she kinda did tell me that she loves me but she _can’t_ ,” She cried, “I can’t do all of this to her!”

“Shouldn’t that kind of be Beca’s choice, Chloe?”

Chloe hung up a few minutes later feeling absolutely no better.

Her general sense of unease only grew the next morning when, as she was stretching herself into her favorite pose, she heard a knock at the door and opened it to find Nick grinning from ear to ear.

“Oh my god, what are you doing here?” She didn’t know why, but the sight of him – the tension in her body – it all suddenly felt so much worse. She saw him, smelled his aftershave and her stomach cramped, squeezing until she felt as though she would be sick.

He just gave her a shrug and pulled her in for a hug, “How are my girls?”

“Good!” She tried to smile and instead frowned. Was she? She didn’t really feel… _good_ . She felt - _scared_? And somehow the sight of Nick only made that worse. But she clicked on a smile anyway and insisted that she and the baby were doing well.

“Good.”

“So how long are you here?”

He shrugged, “I uuuh - How’s Beca?”

“She’s -” her voice hitched, “She’s good. The studio should be opening up any day now. We went to see it and it looks great. It’s totally awesome.”

He was watching her though, in that way that he had, the way that proved that at one time he was a best friend as well. “What’s wrong?”

“With what?”

“Chloe.”

“I’m good, Nick, really!” She gave him her best bubbly smile but he just continued to stare.

“So I named her,” Chloe said because she really wanted him to stop looking at her like that. It had just popped out and she winced, wishing she hadn’t done that thing she sometimes did.

“You what?”

Chloe grinned, biting the tip of her tongue playfully, “I named her. It’s perfect.”

“Without me?”

She didn’t say anything.

“Wow, you’re really into doing a lot of things without me these days.”

Chloe rolled her eyes, pushing into the tease, forcing herself and as she did her old life washed over her, making her shake. “Do you want to hear it or not?”

He gave a dry laugh, his hands going out in surrender, “Sure. Let’s hear the name that you decided to give our daughter.”

She ignored that, “Willa. I haven’t decided on a middle name but I’m thinking about my mom’s name.”

“Willa?” He asked, stony-faced and monotone.

“You don’t like it?” She had hoped - disappointment rushed at her.

“Well, I guess I like it better than ‘Tree Bark’ or ‘Rainbow’.”

She rolled her eyes, trying to work up a laugh as they sat on the couch. It was so similar to what Beca had said. Her heart gave a clench and she realized that suddenly she missed her - a lot. Was it possible to miss someone you had only seen the previous night? Why did it feel like she hadn’t seen her in weeks? “Well I considered ‘Moon Unit’ but it was taken.”

“Can I change your mind? What about Violet?”

Chloe shook her head, “This feels right.”

“No, no, this isn’t something that you can be like, ‘if it feels right then it is right’ about! It’s not fate!” He stared at Chloe for a long minute and then burst out, “Damn it, I’m not going to like either of these girls names, am I?”

“Jenny sticking with Aerith?”

“No, thank god! We’re going with Cass, err, Cassidy…which is still from a video game…but it’s better.”

“What game?”

“Fall Out.”

She just shook her head.

“Anyway, I’ll take Cass over Willa any day. Shit. My mom is going to flip that no one is using a family name.”

Chloe chuckled but her chuckle died quickly, “Does that mean they know about both babies now, Nick?”

His face fell, looking suddenly green as he scratched at his growing beard, “Yeah, I told them the night before last.”

“And?” She reached forward, taking his hand because it seemed like he could use it.

“About as good as I expected.”

“What did Marcy say?”

“A bunch of stuff I don’t need to repeat.”

Chloe looked away, “That good, huh?”

“She has a way with words, my mother.”

“I’m sorry it was hard, Nick but things will be better now that they know the truth.”

“Oh yeah. You call your mom yet, Chlo?”

She swallowed, chewing at her lip, “They’re just so far away and-”

“Uh huh.”

“Do you think it would be better to tell them face to face? I mean, I haven’t gone to visit them in almost a year. Maybe-”

Nick laughed, “So who would you bring with you? Me or Beca? And follow up question, could I bring Jenny?”

She frowned, her hand pulling away, “No need to be so callous, Nick.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He reached forward and took her hand again, “I just meant, it’s kind of ironic, you were so mad at me for not telling mine but you haven’t told yours.”

“It’s different.”

“Yeah.” He sighed, “Maybe it is.”

They both fell silent, each swimming through their own individual unhappiness’, the room growing thick and dark with them.

“You know what my dad said to me?” Nick finally spoke, pulling her away from that couch - the thought of that lonely couch in Henderson all of those years ago - and Beca’s blank, desolate face.

Chloe could feel his hurt, so she scooted in; her hand on his knee doing her best to give him comfort. She could tell that while he was trying to downplay it, he was truly very upset.

This was probably why he had come, she realized, he probably just needed a day away. She could give him that.

“He said ‘look, Nickie-boy,’” his face grew sad as his voice dropped into the low timbre that sounded so much like Trent’s, “‘you can sleep with a twenty-two year old, have all the fun you want, we have all done it but you can’t _marry_ one. That just isn’t how life works, son. Not in this family. Your mother will kill you and then me because I let you.’”

She ached for just a moment for the man she had once loved. Trent was a sweetheart, but she could hear every word perfectly, as though he had just said it to her. It also made her ache for the patriarch of the Cavanaugh family. What young lost love was in his past?

She blinked and realized that perhaps she was feeling something else, something she hadn’t expected to feel. “You guys are getting _married_?”

He sniffed, rubbing gruffly at his nose, “I think so. I mean, it makes sense. I want to.” He sniffed again, “Are you okay with that?”

She opened her mouth and was surprised when - she started to cry. “No, I’m not crying for the reason you think!” Her hand closed tighter on his knee. Right? She didn’t, she didn’t want Nick back, god no, she just - jealous, she was jealous. Of what? Not of Nick – or Jenny – so - “Endings are always sad, that’s all.”

“Right. Yeah, of course. I know. Chloe, are you sure you’re okay?”

“What? Yeah, totes. Of course. I just - I think I’m a little stressed out right now, that’s all. I don’t know.”

“Well, what’s going on?”

She opened her mouth, ready to confess but instead she told him all about the new job, “I’m just worried about going back to work so soon after Willa gets here. I guess I’ll have to hire a nanny.”

“God damn it, Chloe!”

She let out a yelp, “What?”

“If you would just come home then this wouldn’t be a problem!”

She studied his suddenly angry face. Oh my god, she was such an idiot. She hadn’t even thought about that. She had just said something to say something, she hadn’t even thought of the mess she was stepping in. “Oh god, I’m sorry, Nick, I shouldn’t have said that. That was stupid of me.”

But Nick was already taking a deep breath, “No, I’m sorry. Jenn convinced me to let it go and I am. For now. I was - I know I was being a dick and I’m sorry, I really am,” He took another gulp of air and squared his shoulders, a sign that Chloe knew well, a sign that meant that he was the furthest thing ever from letting it go.

She cringed, tasting the air. She hated this feeling, she had lived in it for so long. She hated this electric, anything could happen, a fight could break out at any moment feeling. It was horrible.

“Look, don’t start work yet. That seems like the most logical idea. Put it off for another year. I can float you. It’s more important for our baby to know you and not a nanny, right? As far as I’m concerned you deserve the money. We’ll talk to the lawyer and up the amount of alimony. Easy as pie.”

It took her a second to scoop her jaw off the floor, feeling a surprising fiery anger in her chest, “That has to be - the absolute _most_ demeaning thing you have ever said to me, Nicholas Cavanaugh!”

His eyes popped wide, “What? Why? Because I want to help? Look, you’re taking it the wrong way, Chlo, I promise. I _just_ want to help. You shouldn’t be stressed right now, so let me help. I want to help you, that’s all, scouts honor.”

She knew he meant it, she knew he was just trying to be a good guy but she was tired of this idea that she couldn’t do _anything_ for herself. She was tired of him insisting on doing everything his way. She was tired of - him. She cared about him, so much and in so many ways but she was tired of him. This was how she had lost herself. It was this right here! The power of the realization knocked her backward, this was how she had become that strange woman who didn’t dance, didn’t sing; it was this attitude. She opened her mouth and found that once again she was dropping the topic, “Something’s up with Beca.”

“Oh? Uh, okay?”

She blinked a few times, unsure how the hell that had just popped out of her mouth. She wished it hadn’t. She explained just as she had to Brey, moving over Beca’s words quickly, trying to move fast so they didn’t sting. She didn’t want to tell it again but she knew she had no choice now. She took a deep breath and skipped through it, trying not to let any of it in.

“Well,” Nick took a deep breath and enclosed her hand in his, “should I be honest or should I say what you want to hear?”

She honestly considered it for a moment, “Honesty, please.”

“I kind of see her point. I mean, she is kind of screwed, isn’t she?”

So, yes, she had said she wanted him to be honest but what the hell was wrong with him today? Why was he being so callous? What was wrong with him constantly as of late? This was not her friend, this was not her soon to be ex-husband. Nick could be an asshole but never to this level! “Well,” she stood, flattening her shirt and walked to the kitchen for a glass of water, not really having anything else to say.

“Oh come on, Chloe, please don’t give me that. You said you wanted me to be honest!”

“I did.” She scowled, trying to bite back tears.

“You don’t think that maybe you’re being a little fucked?”

“Come on Nick,” she gasped, “You’re just trying to be hurtful now.”

“Am I?”

And they were off, Chloe insisting he was just trying to hurt her and Nick insisting that if she hadn’t wanted to hear the truth then she shouldn’t have asked.

“I don’t get it! Why are you being such a dick? Why are we fighting? If you just came down here to treat me like crap then I would rather you left.”

“Fine! Then I’ll go! But take a minute and be honest with yourself, Chloe, are you mad at me or are you mad because you know what I said was true? Like, if it were -” He groaned. He had stood during their fight and now he flopped back into the couch, “Fuck. Damn it.” He pressed his fists into his temples. “Look, I’m sorry. I’ve had kind of a hot head over the last couple of weeks. Chlo, I’m so sorry. God. I just really wish that you were home and not here for a relationship that, I guess I don’t get. You’re not _with_ Beca - but you’re here. I just-” He shook his head.

“I can’t be with Beca, Nick. That’s the problem. I can’t.”

“Explain it to me, I don’t get it. I really want to get it.”

She took a second, her lips twisting as she tried to figure out how to explain it, “Her studio isn’t even opened yet. She has so much going on.”

He let out a boom of a laugh, “Yeah, I guess an unexpected kid that she never signed up for would be hard.”

She nodded, her lip trembling, “Yeah, exactly.” Studying her hands, she noticed that they were shaking ever so slightly, “Plus, what if this is too hard for her? What if it’s too much? What if she gets puked on by this baby and I never see her again?” Her mind showed her that image again, that blank smile of Nick’s and her fingertips went cold.

He stared at her for a long time, his eyes hard as if debating what he wanted to say before suddenly he barked out a laugh again, “Yeah, I’m not touching this. Here. The reason why I came. I was going to take you out to dinner tonight and give it to you then, but I kind of think with how you’re feeling it would be better for me to just rip off the Band-Aid.”

Chloe’s mouth had dropped open, staring at the folded papers. She felt like she had just been slapped. “Oh god, are these-”

“Yeah, they’re the divorce papers.”

She looked up at him, her eyes watering again. Was this really how he was going to do it? “Asshole.” She said in a shaky voice, “Asshole!” She shoved him, “You couldn’t have warned me first?”

“Sorry, Chlo, I didn’t mean it like that.” He said softly, draping an arm over her shoulders. “Just trying to be a straight shooter, here.”

She hiccupped and a few tears fell. “So you came to have me sign these? That’s why you’re here.”

“Yeah, I guess so. It’s not the last step but, you know.”

She nodded, her tears beginning to fall thickly now.

Divorce.

It was such an ugly word.

It was such a terrifying word.

How could this be part of her life?

“Do you want me to talk you through it?” Nick asked, softly cupping her cheek. She could feel his apology, she could feel his desperate hurt and it made her feel better, feel like she knew the person who was there with her now.

She nodded and they sat that way together going over each thing in detail, Chloe’s head resting on his shoulder, his arm around her waist.

And it was horrible.

They cried as they went through each point. Their marriage had been a joke, they both knew that, and they both knew this was the right thing but that didn’t stop the pain.

“You’re welcome to get another lawyer to look it over before you sign it.” He finally finished.

Chloe let out a deep breath. She was getting tired. She felt like she was on a rollercoaster that she didn’t know she had been in line for. “That’s okay.” Nick was a lawyer and despite the fact that he was kind of being a jerk today, she knew that he had her best interests at heart. Plus, where would she go? Their divorce had thus far been painless, well as painless as a divorce could be. She hadn’t bothered getting a different lawyer because so far they had been able to agree on it all.

She sniffed and then let out a small sob. Her marriage to Nick; with one simple signing of her name, it would be over. She would be, thanks to the extra papers at the bottom, Chloe Beale again, no longer Chloe Cavanaugh. Which was amazing but she really had thought that she loved him once. “Do I sign it Beale or Cavanaugh?”

He laughed a little, gruffly wiping under his eyes “I think you sign it Cavanaugh.”

“Okay.”

She watched her hand, feeling it like an alien presence as she signed, in her typical looping calligraphy, “Chloe R. Cavanaugh.” She did it and she felt him close her in a hug.

“I love you, Chlo.”

She let out a laugh, somehow feeling worse.

How was it that love could turn out this way? “I know that it’s for the better, but I’m still surprised about how much it hurts.”

“Yeah, I know, I don’t really like it either. But at least something beautiful came from our marriage. That little girl is going to be great.”

“And Jenny. You wouldn’t have moved to Henderson if we haven’t gotten married. You two wouldn’t have met.”

“You’re right. And Beca. I know that getting married meant you lost her but - whatever weird thing you guys have - you wouldn’t have it if this hadn’t all happened.”

Chloe felt herself smile, “You’re right. And Beca.” That did make her feel better.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. It’s just - sad.”

“I know. The funny thing is, Chlo, I’m not sure I’m ready to let you go.”

Chloe frowned, not completely sure how she was supposed to take that.

“No, I mean,” he said when he saw her face and then he gave a long, gruff sigh, “fuck.” He ran his hands over his face, and pulled her in close, “Look, I’m ugh, jesus, I’m really sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Nick, what - um, what is it exactly that you’re apologizing for?”

“I’ve been the world’s biggest dick, haven’t I? To you, to Beca.”

She didn’t say anything.

“I’m really sorry, Chloe, I just think...I don’t know, is it possible to be completely ready for the changes coming and to know this divorce is a good thing but to also completely not want to give you up?”

“I think so.”

He hugged her tighter, sighing, “I think I’ve been a little jealous.” Chloe laughed, understanding entirely. “I promise I’ll be better, okay? No more asshole-Nick.”

They sat for a minute before Nick gave her a smile, “Things really are on their way to better for us.”

She took a deep breath, “You’re right.”

“So can I feel her?”

She nodded and, mind preoccupied, she stretched out on the couch.

He _was_ right.

Would she and Beca ever have gotten to the point that they had without her messy marriage?

She liked to think that they would.

Either way, she had something to be grateful for.

“So I’ve been looking up preschools,” Nick said toying with her belly, “and I found this one and it seems really great.”

“What?” She frowned, jerked from her thoughts. She hadn’t thought much about preschools yet but if she did then she would have assumed that she would send her to a Montessori school. After all, that was her goal, to eventually get on staff with a local Montessori. If she were really lucky she would get on at one that taught preschool through sixth grade and she could have Willa there with her. That was the plan - that was _her_ plan.

“Yeah, it’s supposed to be really prestigious. It’s amazing. They do everything, Chlo.”

“Nick-” but she let her sentence drop, not really wanting to go down that road, her nerves were already a little raw and it felt like nails on a chalkboard. It was suffocating.

“Plus, it leads right into this awesome private school-”

“Nick-”

“It’s kind of expensive, about 12k a year but - what? It’s a great school. We want her to have the best education and -”

Perhaps it was the agitation of the day but she suddenly couldn’t stand his hands on her. She pushed him off with a grunt and sat up, “We, Nick?”

“What?”

“We? Nick, there is no ‘we’. There is team you and Jenny and there is team me! Why do you keep doing this? Why do you keep putting me in these positions where I have to say these things?”

“What?”

“What city is it in? Huh, Nick? I’m doing this alone, Nick, there’s no way around that. Don’t you understand, I don't -” she stopped, panicked. _I don't want you_ ...that was what she had almost said. Oh god, and it was the truth. She didn’t want him. She didn’t want him making decisions for her, she didn’t want him planning things, she didn’t want his say or opinion, she didn’t want him. “Thank you for your opinion, you will know this baby but I’m doing this _alone_. I already have a plan! A plan that will work in my life.”

He stared at her for a long while, his face going purple, and then he was roaring, “Why do you keep saying shit like that, Chloe? I’m so sick of hearing that from you! What the hell? You’re not alone in this you’re not -” She geared up, ready to take him on if she needed to but it turned out that she didn’t. His mouth popped open, like he had suddenly choked on his words. “You know what? I promised Jenny. So I’m going to go. I’m so tired of that. I need a minute, I’m going to fucking go. I need to fucking go!”

“Nick, you have to understand-”

“Well, I don’t! Do my parental rights mean _nothing_ to you?”

“Nick, it’s like you want Jenny and me to be sister-wives and I don’t want that.”

“ _Sister-wives_? What the fuck, Chloe?”

“Nick, you’re acting like a teenager. Don’t stomp out right now, let’s talk!”

He glared, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Okay? I’ll just - I promise. I’m sorry. I just - I’m mad and I don’t want to yell at you so I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

And then the living room was empty.

She let out a scream of anger and then burst into tears. Damn it.

She was pissing everyone off lately, wasn’t she?

Fuck.

She sat with a cry on the couch, her eyes blurring.

She was still sitting there a few hours later, her tear ducts empty, when her phone began to ring. She dived for it, hoping, praying that it would be Beca - that everything would be fine, that she would be calling to check up.

“Oh great.” She moaned.

It was her mother. Clearly her karma was not clean today. She didn’t know what she had done but it must have been bad.

She stared at the screen remembering what Nick had said. God damn it, why did she have to call just then? Any other time she could have ignored it, but now, it felt too much like fate making a point.

Well. This day was already pretty bad. She might as well.

She pressed the little green icon, “Hi, Mom.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Care reminder: Mention of blood

If the smell of a new car could be considered good, satisfying, pleasing in any way then they had never gotten a whiff of a new label - new studio - _your_ new label.

Holy shit.

…. Holy _shit!_

Beca’s fingers closed in a vise, her thumbs spastically drumming on the steering wheel as she sat anxiously waiting for the light to change. Holy crap! And just because she was alone she let herself giggle and squeal like a child.

She hadn’t wanted to leave today. She had wanted just to sit there and stare at the walls, breathing in the scent and dreaming about the place; imagining who would be in it one day, what they would do.

She stared up at the blazing red light, slightly in shock.

Five days after P.J. had insisted they could open soon - there she was.

She didn’t care if she sounded sappy or lame - the place was gorgeous, like - she had never seen a better looking building in her life. Yeah, she still hadn’t decorated so it kind of looked like a hotel with its blank walls and colorless rooms but that didn’t even freaking matter. It was _hers_ so it was fucking awesome.

She took off the moment the light changed, heading back to Moment One with a little less enthusiasm than she probably should be for the workspace that had been her home for years.

But not anymore! She thought and then let out another unBeca-like giggle, enjoying her moment of pure happiness and then, with a frown she felt that wave roll through her, that haunting blankness. It was as though her extreme pleasure had woken the dark shadow, alerting it to the need to come in and steal it from her. For a second she fought it, not wanting to feel it right now, not wanting to be weighed down by it, only it came in so quickly and so out of the blue that by the time she could catch the edges of the numbing depression she had already lost and didn’t mind so much anymore.

This had kind of been the way of it over the last few days, well no, this had been happening on some level on and off since Henderson - maybe before, but over the last few days it was always there, the ever present darkness infringing on her happiness. It wasn’t bad, she was just kind of - depressed...maybe?

Perhaps lonely was a better word. Or something.

Which...whatever, she could handle that. It wasn’t that big of a deal. She could be a loner. She had always been a loner, it was her natural state, right? She had been like this before. She would just get another girlfriend and ignore - everything. No big deal.

Even less enthusiastic now, she got out of the car and trudged into the studio that she was making do with for the time being. She groaned as she sat at the soundboard that she was already considering her ‘old’ board and frowned, booting the system and pulled up the song she had been working on.

It had been like a security blanket over the last little bit, the thing she ran to whenever her thoughts got a little heavy – which was often right now - which was always right now. She didn’t really know what it was going to be yet, it was just a stupid little melody but it was soothing. She liked it and found its light tinkling notes to be comforting.

She had come up with it originally a few months before when she had been trying to find a track to create for Kendra. Honestly, it had been annoying at the time. It was too sweet, too sad to use for Kendra and yet she hadn’t been able to get it out of her mind - okay, be honest, it hadn’t been sad then, it had just been pretty but now, she kind of liked the subtle edge of sadness there.

They were similar that way.

Ugh, my god! She groaned and cupped her face. She had to get over it.

So what.

She and Chloe were fighting again.

She hadn’t heard from her in days. Almost a week.

Oh well.

There were worse things in the world.

Deal with it.

So what if Chloe didn’t seem to get why she had been hurt last time they had seen one another.

So what if she missed her like she had never missed anything else in her life – except maybe her – the last time they had stepped away from one another.

It just – it started out like a pinprick, this weird small hurt. She didn’t even know when it had happened. But it kept fucking growing. What it was that was happening - she didn’t know - but it was getting worse and worse.

And Chloe...she just didn’t seem to fully understand.

Her stomach gurgled and she sighed, okay, but that also kind of wasn’t the only reason that she felt like she was going to snap any second.

Not freaking at all, like, she would almost take this over...that... _other thing._ This…feeling of Chloe slipping out of her fingers…that was a feeling that she knew how to handle... it was, no it wasn’t familiar because last time Beca had just severed all ties, she hadn’t slipped away. Still, she knew how to react to it, she knew how to run, she was very good at running from Chloe.

But that.

She didn’t know.

And it was bad.

So, so bad.

And the books, the internet sites, none of them were any - fucking - help.

She needed Chloe.

Chloe would have some genius-I’m-amazing-with-people idea that they could do.

But it had been five days.

So.

She didn’t have her.

It had been five days since that stupid horrible, stupid night after meeting her stupid freaking boss.

Clearly. She didn’t have her.

At all.

So she had to get over it.

And figure out what to do.

On her own.

Because that was what you were when you stupidly started sleeping with one best friend and then it got all stupidly fucked up and the problem was the other best friend.

Stressed, she was stressed.

She was always stressed, though, right?

Pressing play she listened to what she had come up with before, her head resting on the cool desk. She was trying something a little different; she was doing everything herself and while that made it harder, and in some ways more fun, she cringed as her fingers tumbled sloppily over the piano keys in the recording.

Note to self, ask… _somebody_ about a piano instructor and get on that.

She groaned and hit the stop button, lifting her head just a bit so she could drop it back down with a bang.

She was going to have to call her.

She knew that.

If Chloe didn’t show up soon then she was going to have to call her.

If they were going to slip away from one another again, if it was going to go back to like it was before then it needed to be intentional, not a fight – or weird – awkward – situation – thing that was just never resolved – or – ugh – she dropped her head again, yelping when it hit a little too hard.

She had to call her.

She had been saying that for two days, though.

She just - she didn’t know what to say.

They weren’t even in the same room and yet things felt strained.

How was that possible?

How was any of this possible?

What was her life right now?

She was beginning to not recognize it again, which was – yeah – super great.

She sat up, her head cocking to the side, staring in annoyance as the light flashed, letting her know that someone was ringing the outside doorbell.

It was her day off.

She wasn’t answering it.

No one was supposed to realize that she was there so she had left the door locked, not really wanting to be bothered. It wasn’t P.J. apparently, he had a key, so…

No.

But.

What if it was Flashlight?

Oh god her mind moaned, _please_ let it be Emily. _Please_ let it be Emily here to start recording. Holy fuck, please! Take this out of my hands. _Please._

But it wasn’t.

Okay, so yeah, this reaction wasn’t all that uncommon but she wanted to roll her eyes at herself when her breath caught at the sight of Chloe standing outside the door. Literally caught. Like, choking her kind of caught. Like, super lame, can’t handle life because of this girl kind of caught.

The first thing she registered was that Chloe must have had another meeting or an interview or something. Chloe had always cared about her appearance but as of late, as Chloe got more comfortable in their romantic - situation – thing - she had shown up more and more in shirts or blouses and jeans, her hair thrown back into a sloppy bun or a ponytail. Beca had loved the casual nature of it, reminded constantly of college and just after. Knowing that – since Chloe always really cared about how her significant others saw her – it was a huge compliment that Chloe had been willing to be casual. Chloe had become a pain in the ass when she was dating Nick, her prep time before leaving the house had grown exponentially. She was the queen of spending an hour in the bathroom to make it seem like she hadn’t spent any time there at all.

Then again… maybe it wasn’t such a big compliment. Maybe it was more along the lines of well, she wasn’t actually a fucking romantic interest so why the fuck would Chloe care what she fucking wore in front of her?

Either way, this morning Chloe had given up the jeans and comfy tees. She was in heels and a very cute sundress, her hair curled perfectly and though Beca couldn’t see her eyes behind her huge sunglasses, she knew that they would be painted in that strange way that made you look twice to be sure she was wearing anything, just like Beca could see that her lips were Chloe’s own signature pink.

She looked amazing.

Beca cleared her throat thickly and then registered the slight smirk there as well as the coffee cup in her hands.

Five days. Five days and she was dizzy just looking at her. What the hell?

Maybe if she weren’t, you know, every teenage boy's dream, she would feel less like the floor was slipping out from under her.

“Are you going to let me in?”

She heard Chloe’s voice from behind the glass and jumped, realizing she had just been standing there like an awkward-turtle. “Right!”

God, she was happy to see her.

Despite the – weird - she was happy to see her.

She unlocked the door, noticing that though Chloe was smirking at Beca in that easy, comfortable way, her shoulders were high, tight. She was wound up. She could see that though her dress swayed a bit as she stepped in and her hips were moving in their sassy way as she walked, her fingers were clutching the coffee a little too tightly. Beca knew that if she made her sit still then her fingers would start beating or her foot would begin to tap.

“Whew, it’s chilly out there.”

Beca opened her mouth to make a joke, to tease her about her light dress, or her thin jacket - or maybe just to dryly point out that it was early December - but she couldn’t think of anything to say so instead she just let out her breath and awkwardly laughed, “Yeah.”

Chloe dropped her things on the couch, setting the coffee beside the soundboard and then turned back to her, smiling brightly - too brightly, “Hi!”

“Heeeey.” Beca grimaced but Chloe didn’t see because she was pulling her into a hug.

A hug?

She knew they must still hug, right? They cuddled and...stuff...so that was kind of a hug...but these days they usually skipped the hug and went for a kiss or...something...maybe? Right?

She felt Chloe’s face nuzzle into her neck though and the sensation of her squeezing her this way was so old to Beca that she hugged back, instinctively. It was like catching a ball flying at your face, you didn’t have complete control over your hand flying up; it was a reflex.

“Mmm, how are you?” Chloe asked into her neck, making Beca shiver.

“Oh, you know.” Beca shrugged, pulling away. “You?”

Chloe just smiled.

Okay. It was awkward.

And it was weird in its awkwardness.

When was the last time they had truly felt _awkward_ with one another?

Chloe ran a finger over Beca’s collarbone, “You look cute.”

“Errr-” she hadn’t done anything, as a matter of fact her hair was brushed out and she was in jeans and a hoodie, but she wasn’t going to argue right now. “Thanks?”

“Except,” Chloe’s eyes narrowed in a playful way, “that hoodie is supposed to be mine, Mitchell.”

Beca blinked a few times. Had she known that this was the hoodie that Chloe had commandeered but forgotten when last at the condo? Maybe. Had she put it on for that reason? No way, not…um…exactly. Blinking a few times more, her mouth partially open, she turned back to the soundboard and took her seat, knowing Chloe was taking the seat to the left of her.

“For you.” Chloe handed her the cup of coffee.

Beca took it, with a small ‘thanks’ and saw that her name on the side of the cup was spelled correctly, a rare Starbucks occurrence, and there was a little heart beside it. She wondered if Chloe had taken the time to see to both things herself.

Probably.

That was so Chloe.

Beca cleared her throat again, the tension in her stomach doubling, locking down on her gut. She could see that Chloe was trying so hard and it just - god, it made her feel worse.

“So, what’s up?” Beca asked, taking a sip and relishing her favorite blend.

“Nothing. I just hadn’t heard from you in a bit so I thought I would come and track you down.”

“Errr, sorry,” Beca sighed, “the studio opening and um, stuff.” Why was she lying? She knew that they _both_ were aware of why Beca had gone silent, why they both had gone silent. Beca was upset and Chloe was giving her some space. Or Chloe was upset and Beca was hiding. Or they both were upset and something happening with something. What was the point of the charade?

Okay, except for the fact that err, yeah, if she said it, if she said – _that_ – then Chloe would talk about it and she didn’t think she really wanted to do that.

“Oh, I know,” Chloe said quickly, going along with Beca’s lie because they both knew that Beca needed it. Maybe Chloe needed it too. She did, she needed to believe there was a different reason that Beca hadn’t picked up her phone to break the silence.

The problem was they knew one another too well.

“So.” Chloe’s leg crossed, one over the other exposing a pale, freckled shin and Beca turned around, so she was no longer facing her, “How is Grasshopper?”

“Um -”

 

The next hour was torture.

She knew that Chloe was a little panicked, that she wasn’t handling this weird place that they were in very well. She could tell because not only was everything about her physically perfect, her makeup, her nails – which were black again - her hair, but also because she was being cute as a button, giggling her best giggle, teasing, flirting, making little purring noises of pleasure; doing her best to be as cute as possible. Eventually, when Beca began to dabble with her work again, allowing Chloe just to hang out with her, Chloe stood, perhaps unable to lose Beca’s attention right now. She came up behind her and proceeded to run her hands up and down Beca’s arms, teasing her, she kept touching Beca at every opportunity that she was given, clinging to her. When that only got a minimum reaction from Beca, she flipped her hair to the side and leaned over, rubbing Beca’s shoulders and whispering leading things as though it was nothing, letting her lips hover just beside her ear as she did it.

In other words, she was being – Chloe – but Chloe amplified.

Beca would smile, maybe a little unwillingly as Chloe traced her nails down Beca’s sides and then her hands would fall to the background as Beca read over her papers, only to, after a few minutes of a gentle massage, feel Chloe’s nails drift down the front of her shirt, softly scratching as Chloe made a comment about how sexy she was when she was all concentrated like this. Beca would then flush and Chloe would laugh, her hands giving her arms an affectionate squeeze.

Beca knew she was just trying to fix it, in her own Chloe way, she was trying to fix it _without_ forcing Beca to talk about something she didn’t really want to yet.

But while she read through more paperwork, the paperwork never seemed to stop these days, she didn’t turn back to her music, like she would have normally done, playing things for her and getting her opinion. Instead, she put her feet up on her desk and pushed through a few more licensing statements while they chatted.

None of that was normal either.

She and Chloe had always been able to talk. Maybe it was because they had basically begun their friendship with nudity but Beca’s general awkward dislike of people had never really applied to Chloe – well, not once Chloe had stripped away those walls, that is.

They had spent hours, months, years of their life together just sitting and talking, sometimes cuddling, other times thrown across one couch or another.

They could talk about almost anything with ease and comfort. That had always been true.

They were best friends, after all.

But today…

The weather.

The upcoming holiday.

How quickly time was flying.

Baby Legacy - who Beca teasingly refused to call _Willa_.

And the whole time Beca felt - outside of herself. Who was this? This wasn’t them.

“So how’s the teaching thing?” Beca asked when they fell silent yet again. “Did you get all signed up and, err, stuff?”

“Yeah - yeah, I did.” And then she flashed a smile.

“Awesome.”

“Yeah, it’s strange to think that in just under a month I’ll be teaching.”

“You nervous?”

“Little bit. Little bit terrified, actually.”

“Well. Do you remember when you first started student teaching?”

Chloe frowned.

She had come back to the Bella house in tears every day for a month, insisting that she was no good at the job, that she couldn’t get them to settle down, that they wouldn’t listen to her.

“Yeah, I remember.” She said in a low voice.

“Well, do you remember how it ended up? They fucking loved you, right?”

Chloe’s smile grew, “Yeah.”

“I saw when we were packing you up in Henderson that you still even have that card the whole class made you.”

Chloe’s smile was large now. She carefully reached over and began to play with Beca’s hand, running her fingers up and down it.

“So, err, um, yeah, I’m sure that even if you, you know, kinda have a hard time at first, it will go the same way. Don’t - don’t worry about it.” The touch was making Beca flustered, comforting her and making her anxious all at once. “You’re just earning your stripes.”

“Thanks, Bec.”

Beca smiled and it was almost her normal Chloe grin.

“So how’s Emily? Is she still with you or did she go back home? I texted her a few times but I haven’t heard back.”

Beca’s stomach dropped out, spinning and whirling sickly like she had just stepped onto a Tilt O’ whirl, “Oh. Um. Yeah. She’s, uh, she’s still with me. She’s...she’s okay. I guess.”

The heavy weight that had been living on her shoulders for the last week seemed to double for a moment, burying her.

She was lying entirely.

Emily...yeah, she wasn’t okay.

At all.

But - no, there was no point in pulling Chloe into it too, there was no point in making her feel the way that Beca was feeling. So instead she just flashed her an emotionless smile and toyed with her coffee cup, hoping Chloe would say something soon to fill the silence.

In truth...Beca wasn’t okay either.

At all.

And she wished, just for an instant and so deeply that it was blinding, that Chloe would see that, wished that Chloe would do what she had _always_ done, and would gently but insistently push, making Beca confess and then once she had, help her come up with a solution and force her into a hug until she felt better. She wished that she would wrap her in her Chloe-ness until Beca felt like she could face this, like she had her best friend at her side.

She wished all of that with everything she had and she could see it in Chloe’s eyes, she could see that Chloe knew that she wasn’t totally – whatever. She saw Chloe’s fingers stop their line of tracing for a second as the inclination to press appeared on Chloe’s face. And then she watched Chloe refrain from her typical behavior - for Beca’s sake. She watched her make the choice and then felt her fingers go back to tracing, her eyes just a bit more narrowed.

God, this was so fucking weird.

She sent another side glance to the beautiful woman beside her and heard Chloe let out a small, bell-like giggle of discomfort.

_Uuuugh._

There was...so much space between them just then, yeah, maybe their skin was touching but still you could fit the Grand Canyon between them and Beca felt each and every inch of that space.

This was her fault, she knew that. She had been the one - she freaking _was_ the one who was upset. Chloe was just trying to handle that. She could make it better, but she had no idea how.

She didn’t know how to deal with it.

She sent Chloe another glance, her skin turning to ice for a second when she saw that Chloe was still watching her, the power of those eyes focused entirely on her.

She just...she couldn’t figure out where to stand...how to feel.

“Bec…” Chloe tried, “I can feel you,” but then it seemed she had nothing to follow that up with.

What the hell, this was insane. They were fucking ‘Bloe’. This didn’t happen to them. Not ever.

She could reach out, she could do it right now and she could touch her in some way but she couldn’t get her limbs to move. If she did, it would be better – at least a little bit.

Right?

She didn’t _want_ to feel this way, that was the thing. She wanted this to pass. It had to pass.

She wanted to go back to how it was before.

This was starting to feel like when Chloe was first engaged to Nick - when they were smothering under the weight of unsaid things, when Beca was slowly dying and Chloe was confused, unable to understand the things that she literally didn’t know. And she didn’t know how to make it stop.

So much pressure, so much weight between them.

Fuck, if only she had never said it. If Beca had never said those three stupid words then they wouldn’t be where they were right now, things would be normal – she wouldn’t have been expecting – she wouldn’t be surprised by - if she could just _tell_ her what was happening with her - but she couldn’t. This was her own fault.

Beca took a deep breath and let it out as slowly as possible, feeling her head spin, “You wanna get out of here?”

“Sure.” Chloe gave her a soft, perhaps a bit sad, smile.

For lack of anywhere else to go, they ended up back at the condo.

“Do you have, like, dinner plans or - anything?” Ohmygod, what were these weird and awkward things that were coming out of her mouth right now?

“Nope.”

“I think Emily was putting together a lasagna or something today. That was the plan, I mean. I guess her mom is kind of known for it. I know that’s not really - your style of food - there’s nothing - green in it and everything but you’re welcome to have some.”

Chloe just nodded and gave her a small smile, ignoring Beca’s rambling.

Beca tripped a little over nothing.

God, no one was allowed to be that - freaking beautiful - it wasn’t - ugh, her eyes were distracting, so blue that they pierced through the sunglasses now that they were indoors.

As if she had heard her Chloe reached up and pulled them off, putting them in her purse, those long lashes sweeping before they glanced back up at her in a way that made Beca feel naked – no, more than naked - exposed.

Beca looked away.

Well. If the goal of the hair and the outfit and all of that had been to remind Beca just how beautiful she was then she supposed it was mission accomplished for Chloe. Good job, Chlo, I can barely fucking breathe.

“Hey Flashlight, we’re home!” Beca called because she needed a reason to look away before her heart leapt from her chest and prostrated itself on the floor before her. She called again and listened closely for any sound.

She just heard silence.

Fuck.

That meant that she would have to go up and check in a minute.

Because –

Yeah –

Great.

Awesome.

“I’ll grab her in a second, I’m starving, let me put the - _oh_.”

Spread across the counter where Emily had left them this morning were all the ingredients for the dish, the meat thawed and looking grey and unpleasant, the box of noodles wet and warped beside it.

She sent Chloe an awkward side glance, “She must have forgotten. I’ll uh, I’ll put this away and make something quick.”

“I’ll cook, Bec.” Chloe gave her an honest smile and Beca nodded once, miserable. Had she come down at all today? Why hadn’t she remembered to make the food? What was she going to find when she went up there?

She remembered Jeremy’s blank face, she remembered the dream from the night before which had been so much worse than the one the night before and the night before that, and her fingers began to shake.

She made quick work of the ingredients, cleaning off the counter and then took the stairs two at a time, wishing there was a way to exist right now without the tension coming from Chloe behind her and the tension from Emily upstairs, let alone the tension she could feel radiating from every part of her insides. She kept trying to wipe away Jeremy’s face, but it wouldn’t go. She kept trying not to remember her dreams but every step closer felt like she was in a horror movie, slowly approaching the room where the weird tell-tale sound she shouldn’t investigate was coming from. She knew it wasn’t like that. It wasn’t like that at all. Her mind was just fucking with her…because, you know, it was an asshole.

Emily was fine up there. Just – sleeping – or busy – or – maybe she had gone home and forgotten to clean up the shit downstairs. Whatever. It wasn’t like – whatever – she was fine. She was going to be fine. _Emily. Was. Fine._

“Em?” She knocked and heard a muffled noise. “Flashlight?” She pushed open the door and found Emily curled up atop her blankets, just rousing from sleep.

“Heeey, what time is it?” Emily’s face was scrunched, trying to rub her eyes open.

“Uh, almost dinner time.”

“Oh darn it,” she moaned into her pillow, “I never made the food. Damn it! I suck! I’m sorry!”

“Uh, whoa, whoa, that’s okay, dude. Chlo is going to make something else.”

“Chloe’s here?”

“Yeeeaaaah, I know, I know it’s been a few days. Anyway, so why don’t you come down and join us?”

“Mmmmkay,” Emily yawned. “Just let me shower.”

“Yeah.” Beca said heavily, her nose twitching, “That’s probably um, probably a good idea.”

 

“She’ll be down in a bit.”

“Awesome!” Chloe grinned, already slicing up vegetables.

Beca sat at the counter, remembering the morning she had sat there when Chloe was here for the reunion, remembering how she had pretended to check her email when really she was just watching Chloe, blown away by the fact that she was there. She didn’t bother to hide it now, Chloe was putting on too good of a show, laughing as they chatted, dancing, humming.

“Why don’t you put on some music?”

“Hmm?” Beca asked, pulled from her daydream. She was so tired. She hadn’t had a good night sleep in days, she was so stressed. She needed a good nap.

“Music?”

“Oh, yeah, okay.”

She put on her Best of the 80’s CD and watched, a smile growing as Chloe cooked, bouncing around and singing.

She was adorable.

And they didn’t talk about it.

They didn’t talk about the fact that it was weird.

“Heeeeeey Chloeeeeee!” Emily grinned, her hair damp. The two hugged and then Emily joined Beca at the counter, “I’m so, so sorry about dinner, Bec, I just totally spaced.”

“No, yeah, that’s uh - that’s okay.” She sent Emily an appraising side glance, “Shit happens.”

“So what have you been up to, Emily?” Chloe asked in her best cheerful voice, “How is the recording going?”

“Oh,” and all of the sunshine, the weird bubbly, happy thing that Emily and Chloe shared, dropped away from her face, “We haven’t actually started yet.” Emily’s eyes went glassy for a second as she drifted off to sea somewhere.

“Awe, boo. I was hoping to hear a track tonight.”

Emily jumped, pulled back to the present and clicked on a smile, her face slightly slack as she tried to come up with something to say.

“Yeah,” Beca sighed for her, “we’re just not quite ready yet.”

Emily sent her a quick grateful look. “What about you, Chlo? Give me more details about the job, I’m sorry, I meant to answer that text and then I totally went all noodle brain.”

They discussed Chloe’s job again at great length, despite the fact that they had done this before and then moved onto Beca’s preparation for Kendra.

“I don’t, I dunno, let’s not talk about that.” Beca shifted uncomfortably, her shoulders rising and falling fast. She wasn’t nervous or anything, but she was a little – bleh – she just – she didn’t – ugh.

The awkward, which was already living in thick layers in the kitchen, swelled.

“Okay,” Chloe said after a minute, glancing at the pale Emily and then away again. She could feel that Chloe had questions for Beca but instead she asked, “Do you guys want to watch something funny tonight? I started this new TV show and it’s hilarious. I think,” she gave a small nod, looking back down at the food, “yeah, I think we could all use a good laugh tonight.”

The words hung there for a second and though no one said anything, they all took a silent moment to acknowledge the strangeness in the room.

“I’m down.” Emily finally said and Beca gave a half nod, half shrug.

It did get better once they were full and sitting on the couch. Chloe sat next to her, close but not as close as she normally would have. She tucked her foot under her and her toes accidently brushed Beca’s thigh.

“Oh! Sorry.” Chloe said before she thought and they both froze, their brains working slowly to try and comprehend if that had just happened.

Had Chloe just apologized, simply for touching her?

_That wasn’t how this was supposed to work._

This was Chloe.

She was supposed to feel that she had brushed Beca’s thigh and then she was supposed to be amused by the way Beca jumped, wiggling her toes at her before she attacked Beca’s face with her own.

Beca’s palms pressed into her eyes.

What should she do? She had to do something. Yeah, maybe Chloe was making this situation happen - in a way - but she wasn't helping...

“Bec…” She heard that same weighted way that Chloe had said her name before, when she had looked at her so confused and said ‘ _I can feel you_ ’. It wasn’t a question but it was more than just her name; like she could feel everything that was happening inside of Beca, could feel that she was holding it back from her and yet didn’t know what to do about it. It was so thick, so heavy, like Chloe was lost in a way that Chloe rarely was. Beca felt Chloe’s fingertips on the back of her hands, not trying to pull them away from her face but also not willing to ignore the open show of stress, not when the stress was about - them - about her.

Emily had taken a quick trip up to her room and now she reappeared, flopping uncoordinatedly on the opposite couch, “Everything okay?”

“What? Yeah, of course!” Beca cried, dropping her hands while Chloe let out a fake giggle and said, “Totes.” Still, Beca was up, “I just uh, I forgot that I should grab a cigarette really quickly.” She waited for Chloe’s hand to close on hers, to pull at her, ask her to stay. Only, it didn’t come.

Beca’s eyes closed for a moment as she stepped away, surprised that somehow Chloe not refusing to let her go had – hurt. She was sure that Chloe simply felt that Beca couldn’t handle being badgered right now, something that was true, but, good intentions aside, it had kind of hurt. All of Chloe’s good intentions hurt right now.

She took a little longer than normal with her cigarette, smoking one fast and then lighting another from the butt of the first. She tried hard not to think when she sat back down beside Chloe on the couch, her eyes skipping over her.

Then the remote was quickly in Chloe’s hand and she was beginning the show, a small crease between her eyebrows, her lips not in a frown or a purse but something between the two.

Thank freaking god, things got a little better over the rest of the evening. The show was funny and it felt good to laugh with them. It led to Chloe teasing Emily and Emily teasing Beca and it _almost_ felt like a normal night.

Except that every time Emily got up to run to the bathroom or up to her room ‘really quickly’ that same tension filled Beca’s veins. But Chloe seemed incrementally more comfortable sitting next to her and eventually Beca even threw her arm over the back of the couch and Chloe even almost leaned in.

After a few episodes of the show Beca got up to smoke and Emily took her place, cuddling into her friend and rubbing her belly, “So are you still going to use Willa?” Beca heard before she disappeared outside.

She groaned into the night air, blowing out a stream as she did.

She had to fix this.

Now.

She _would_ fix this.

Now.

This was fucking miserable. And it was her fault. She was the one with the stupid hang up. She was the one _not_ talking. She had to get over it. She had to let it go. She _had_ to get over it.

She finished her cigarette and did the only thing she knew how to do - because she wasn’t okay like this. She - she needed Chloe.

She went upstairs, hearing Emily rustling around in her room. She brushed her teeth and rinsed with mouthwash as usual and then she started downstairs, her heart thwapping hard in her chest.

Chloe had never rejected her. Not once. She had never pushed her away, she had never told her no. If Beca tried to give Chloe part of herself then Chloe always took it, cradling it like a baby bird. Beca liked to think that maybe she was special to Chloe that way, and maybe she was but that was mostly just how Chloe was. She loved to nurture.

So Chloe had never turned her down.

And yet, she was nervous that she was about to; that trying to fix it would just backfire.

She couldn’t let that stop her though. She wasn’t the stupid eighteen-year-old anymore. She had grown. She had matured.

She was panicked.

Chloe turned from her spot on the couch, her smile soft as Beca approached. Beca saw her open her mouth to say something and was silenced as Beca leaned over and gave her a long, chaste kiss.

Chloe whimpered, loud; it was almost embarrassingly loud and Chloe’s hand jumped to Beca’s hair immediately.

She knew that she had let out some type of sound as well, some sign of contentment when their lips had met, shaping themselves to the others perfectly. “I don’t - I don’t know how to -” Beca searched for words but they were difficult, oddly shaped and stuck in her throat.

Chloe gave her half a very quick nod and pulled her back in, deepening the kiss this time.

Beca felt her knees tremble.

God, this kiss felt so good.

“Awww, get a room.” Emily laughed, pretending to bat away something gross that was in the air as she came back into the living room.

Beca pulled away, rolling her eyes, “This _is_ a room.”

Emily just laughed harder.

“So, are we watching more or-”

Emily shook her head, “I’m tired. I think I’m going to go to bed.”

“Okay, sweetie.” Chloe gave her a small nod and took the quick hug that Emily gave her. Beca stumbled a little as Emily just gave her a teasing and yet affectionate side shove as a good night, a move that Beca did so often herself.

“Emily.”

“Hmm?” The girl swung back around, blinking quickly and flinching as though expecting to be yelled at.

Chloe’s mouth hung open for a second as she tried to form her question, “Are you okay, sweetie?”

Beca worked hard not to look at either of them but she felt her ears peel, sharply focusing, wanting to hear what Emily would say to that.

“Huh? Of course, totally, totes mcgotes, yeah! I’m good.”

Beca chanced a glance at Chloe. She was nodding slowly, but her eyes were narrowed slightly, appraisingly. It was Chloe’s own personal ‘I call bullshit but for whatever reason I’m not going to call you on it right now’ face.

Beca was _so_ familiar with that face. That face might as well have been called the Beca face.

“Okay. Good night.”

“Err, yeah,” Emily clicked her tongue, twitchingly snapping her fingers, “night.”

They watched her go, quietly.

So Chlo was picking up on it even though Beca hadn’t said anything. It was pointless. They needed to talk.

“Well.” Chloe’s eyes drifted back to Beca’s, trying to read her face, “I guess, um, I guess I should get going?”

“Actually, err, could you stay - maybe?”

Chloe’s face softened, brightened, “Of course.”

Beca smiled, feeling a moment of _them_ pass between them and she considered leaning down and kissing her again.

More kissing had to help, right?

There needed to be more kissing.

Upstairs Beca quickly changed into her comfortable pajamas, settling herself in the center of her bed as she waited for Chloe.

She came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, face clean of makeup and smiling shyly at her.

“It’s so strange not to have anything here. I spent five minutes looking for _my_ makeup wipes before I realized that I don’t have them here anymore.”

Beca chuckled, “Yeah.” Her stomach gave a churn, her chest felt heavy and she quickly had to brush that away before she thought about it too much.

A small smile on her lips and looking at her like she was waiting for her to continue their conversation, Chloe stepped out of her heels by the door and sighed, stretching and popping. Beca watched as she reached behind and unzipped her dress, pulling it off easily.

A long gush of air escaped her, making Chloe look up. Chloe owned everything in blue, in all shades of blue because it made her eyes shine like crazy, and while Beca thought she had seen all of the blue - things - that Chloe owned, she had definitely never seen this matching panty set. Funny because hadn’t she just been thinking about seeing Chloe in something like this?

It was lacy and thin, hugging her lightly freckled skin like a glove, showing off her hips and ribs in a way that left Beca dizzy - and also showed her just how far Chloe was going to make things better.

She felt her palms itch to feel the lace.

“What?”

“What? Are you freaking kidding me, Chlo?”

Chloe’s lips pressed into a thin line, hiding a smile.

“That’s uh, that’s quite a -” Beca cleared her throat and didn’t finish.

Chloe looked down at herself and smiled the first real smile Beca had seen all night, “You like it? I bought them for you.”

Whaaaaaaa - it was hot in here.

Beca wondered if Chloe was going to come to her now, climb over her - or - something. Beca’s mind pictured a thousand possible scenarios all in under a minute.

Instead Chloe, vixen-like smile still firmly in place, just came to the bed and sat across from her. “Hi.”

Beca bit her lip, embarrassed that she was still blushing, “Hey.” Only Chloe could wear something all sexy like that and yet sit like it was no big deal.

Chloe reached for her hand and took it, pulling it to her lap and playing with it. Then in a moment of Chloe bluntness she looked into her eyes and said, “Emily is drinking again.”

The heat left Beca’s cheeks in an instant, blown away by a sudden chill. She looked down at Chloe’s fingers on hers, thankful suddenly for the contact. She opened her mouth, closed it, opened it.

What was she going to say? She wasn’t exactly going to deny it.

She tried to speak and - nothing but strange noises. She cleared it and tried again, studying Chloe’s fingers, “A few nights ago, I came home kind of upset. I mean, I’ve been kind of upset a lot lately, but I just kind of wanted to not think for a few minutes, so whatever, I uh, I checked that Emily was in her room and she was asleep so I went to pour myself a - what I hoped to be - very large drink.”

“Um-hmm.”

“Only when I went to pour it the bottle, yeah, it was – it was gone. Like totally gone.” Chloe’s fingers stilled for a second before carefully they began to rub, massaging Beca’s gently. She sighed, wishing that Chloe was closer. “So I went to the shit I keep as backup, you know,”

“Down in the freezer.”

“Right. Yeah, that was there but it was half gone.”

“Oh god.” Chloe moaned.

“So I asked her, uhh, Em, I mean, I asked her and she just looked at me like I was,” Beca groaned, running her free hand through her hair as she moved her hard stare up to the ceiling, “fucking crazy and I felt like a total dick because my first thought shouldn’t have been Emily, you know?”

“Right.”

“God, I just - I fucking felt terrible - I spent like a freaking hour apologizing to her. Anyway. Whatever. That’s just – whatever. So I let it go, but I just, I dunno, I couldn’t figure out where else it would have gone so I decided to mark all of the bottles. Which, I kind of feel shitty about, I know, it was so shitty of me, I know, I know. But then when I went back to check, and - I didn’t even freaking need to mark them, dude. It was obvious. I mean, I don’t know. She seems so fucking – freaked - about this album, I mean, we haven’t even started it yet but she gets all weird every time it comes up. I don’t know, am I crazy? I kind of think that Benji kicked her out because she’s drinking again.” Beca took a second before turning her shy gaze to Chloe, finding instant comfort in her eyes.

“No, you’re not crazy, Bec and that wasn’t shitty of you.” Chloe pulled her hand to her chest, holding it there as she worked on the fingers, making Beca sigh, “I kept thinking that I was smelling it on her, but, I don’t know, I guess I felt like you did, like she deserved the benefit of the doubt. She’s been working so _hard_.”

“Right.” Beca frowned, twitching uncomfortably.

“What do you think we should do?”

“Errr, I dunno. I tried calling Blake, her sponsor, only I guess he changed his number or something? I dunno, it didn’t work. More than that - I don’t know. I don’t think we should - can - really do anything, Chlo.”

“What do you mean?” Chloe’s voice was suddenly sharp.

“I mean, I’ve read like everything online and none of it is fucking helpful! And, I don’t know, it feels like kind of wrong to try and fix this for her, doesn’t it? Well, I mean, we should talk to her but I dunno.”

“Bec, we have to do something! Maybe we should call Benji and get him involved, really be proactive here.”

“What? No!” Beca jumped, she hadn’t meant to shout, “Sorry, that was – sorry, that’s my bad. I just mean, when Emily called you when I was in the hospital - I just felt so fucking betrayed for a minute. You know?”

“Yeah, but look how that turned out.” Chloe gave her a suggestive grin, “Being surrounded by the people who love you is always a good thing when someone is struggling.”

Beca was shaking her head as she thought, “I don’t know, Chloe. I’m all for talking to her, but calling Benji doesn’t feel right. It feels kind of like it’s not on us to do that.”

“But of course it is! She’s our friend. She’s family. We have to look out for her.”

“No, I know, you’re right.” Beca said quickly, “I know that she’s family, I just think, I dunno, it’s kinda…mean.”

“To try and help her?”

Beca didn’t really like or appreciate the look on Chloe’s face, “Getting Benji involved! Getting anyone else involved!”

“Pretending it isn’t happening isn’t really a good idea, Bec,” Chloe argued back, her words fast on the heels of Beca’s.

The scoff that Beca released was unnecessarily cold and nasty, “Well that’s fucking ironic.”

“What does that mean, Beca?”

Fuck. She felt her eyes dart, where had that fucking come from? What the fuck? “I just,” she stumbled, “I just think that maybe we should let it be _Emily’s_ choice if she wants to involve Benji.”

“But Emily isn’t going to call him, they’re not speaking and Bec, he loves her. He is the person who can help her most!”

“But I don’t think we get to make that call. It’s just _not_ up to us.”

“Emily doesn’t have anyone else nearby. I mean, I guess we could call Katherine, but that’s so silly when we all are _right here_ and willing to help!”

Beca looked down, wondering exactly when it was that Chloe had let go of her hand. The sight stoked the fire beginning in her chest. “Chloe,” she groaned, exasperated, “you don’t get to make decisions for everyone!”

“I’m not saying that I do!” Chloe stood, her arms crossing over her chest.

Beca could see that she was getting close to danger, it was always dangerous to mess with any of Chloe’s ‘people’, she was very serious about her taken family; people like herself, Aubrey, Emily, the Bellas. It was not a subject to try and cross her on. Beca loved that about her, she loved the fierce mama lion in this woman...but right now it was pissing her off.

“Look!” Beca cried. “I’m not saying let’s never get Benji involved. I’m just saying let’s wait until we really have to!”

“She’s an alcoholic that has fallen off the wagon! We have to, Bec! She could hurt herself! She could drink too much! She could drive! She could -”

“You don’t -” she cried, her hands going out, “need to tell me all of the things that could happen! Thanks. And no, we don’t! This isn’t just up to _you_! Not everything in this world is only up to you.”

“What does _that mean_ , Beca?” Chloe grabbed her dress from the chair and went to pull it on but Beca groaned, folding forward and grabbing for it even though it was far out of her reach.

“Don’t get dressed, I haven’t seen you in days. Come on.”

“This isn’t something to just ignore, Bec!” Her eyes flashed like a thunderstorm, “This is serious! This is our friend’s health and safety.” It was amazing how, despite the fact that she was still standing there in nothing but lacy baby blue lingerie, she could still look somewhat forbidding. It almost made her want to smile. Chloe just loved so strongly. And that thought took her almost smile away. “Yeah, look, maybe - maybe let’s talk about it in the morning, though.”

“Sleeping on it isn’t going to make me change my mind, Bec!”

“You don’t know that! Will you – will you just get into bed, please?” Beca barked. Chloe was like that sometimes with things, she just needed a few minutes to think about it.

They should help Emily - in some way - but they weren’t going to call the dick that had just turned her out the moment shit got hard. Not if she had anything to do with it. Emily deserved better than that! Everyone deserved better than that.

Chloe growled that fiery growl of hers and shoved herself in beside Beca, though as far from her as possible.

“Fine.” Beca bit, and seeing that, she did the same. Chloe wanted to be like this. Fine. She flicked off the light and then stared up at the ceiling.

“I just don’t get why you won’t even _consider_ trying it my way!” Chloe cried after a second of silence.

“Yeah, me too! It shouldn’t be that freaking hard! It’s just not the way that _you_ want to do it, so it’s not important to you! That’s a freaking _theme_ in life right now!”

“ _What does that mean?_ ” Chloe cried, her legs kicking as she growled.

Beca didn’t answer.

Chloe was silent for a minute and Beca could see out of the corner of her eye that she was rubbing her face in that way that she did when she was trying to keep her anger in. Finally Chloe let out a huff and grumbled, “Fine. Whatever,” and she kicked herself over, her face pressing into the pillow. Her hair flung across Beca’s face and in her annoyance she bat it off, pulling a few tips out of her mouth first.

She wasn’t sure how she slept that night with Chloe across the bed, rigid and not touching her. It had never been like this. Sure, there were many nights where they had shared a bed and Beca had stayed pressed against the edge, teetering all night but that had always been because she had been afraid of her wandering hands in her sleep, and on those nights Chloe had always been sprawled across the bed, reaching for her even as she slept.

Chloe had always needed to touch her when she was close. That was always just the way she was.

She didn’t know how she slept, but she did it, her mind taking her through the grungy Royal bathroom as it did most nights. When she woke the sun was up and she was shaking and sweaty, only this time she didn’t think it was because of the dream. The moment she opened her eyes it all came back to her, Chloe’s angry ‘whatever’ before she fell asleep, the distance, the chasm in the middle of the bed, so treacherous that she couldn’t move for fear of falling in.

She heard a sniff and automatically turned to look, forgetting for a moment that she was mad at Chloe.

Chloe was facing her, watching her, the pillow under her cheek and she was clinging to it as tears were pouring fresh and hot as Chloe cried.

“Chlo?” Beca’s heart had skipped an uncomfortable beat.

Chloe sniffed again, her eyes fluttering to Beca’s, holding them hard and fast. “We aren’t even us right now.” Her voice shook hard, wobbling as though, despite the tears, she was holding a much heavier flow back, “This can’t just be because of the thing that happened with Claudia. Right, Bec? There has to be more.”

Beca stared, horrified.

She hated this.

It was so bad.

She was sitting here in bed, looking at her beautiful girl sobbing and she knew that it was her fault. “ _No_ , I’m sorry, everything is fine,” she lied. Chloe’s mouth opened, incredulity on her face, but Beca shook her head, pulling her to her, “Everything is fine.”

Chloe met the kiss with desperate fire, surprising Beca. Her kiss was hot as she let out an open mouthed moan, instantly scrambling, pushing herself over Beca, muttering, whimpering, “ _Bec - Bec - Bec_ ,” It was as though Beca kissing her had given her permission to do what she needed, to unleash her panic.

Beca’s mind had gone blank, surprised by the intensity of Chloe’s response, unable to do anything but kiss her back. She felt Chloe’s hands ball into her hair as she kissed her face, her throat, her lips, “ _Bec_ , I miss you so much. I miss you, come back to me.” She whimpered, “I miss you, I need you, please. Please.”

Beca nodded, guilt running through her in thick waves, feeling Chloe move her hands to her ribs, feeling her push them up over her breasts.

“I need - I need to - please - I want your hands on me - please. God, I’ve missed you so much.”

Beca just continued to nod, cupping gently and kissing her again, swallowing Chloe’s small cry.

She could feel how hard Chloe had been working to hold this back, she wondered how long she had been this tightly wound but given the fact that she could feel that Chloe was going absolutely nuts, she had to assume it had been a while. And it _had_ been a while - they had been on varying stages of weird since October, hadn’t they? Sometimes it was obvious, other times it was just a slight aftertaste - but it had been there. She knew that.

Chloe whimpered again, her hands caressing Beca’s cheeks.

She could feel Chloe’s doubt, she could feel her fear, like a third party in bed with them – a fourth, really – right there beside Beca’s confused hurt.

“Bec,Bec,” Chloe mumbled over and over again, her hands shaking.

It was all like liquor for Beca, this feeling of Chloe wanting her, missing her, needing her so desperately and in so many more ways than just to touch her. It was everything she wanted to hear, wanted to feel...without being anything she actually needed to hear, to see, to have happen. She didn’t know that she _needed_ to hear anything, see it, have it happen, but apparently she did.

She felt Chloe pull away just enough that she could see her eyes, again, red, tear filled, and absolutely terrified. “I know that things aren’t completely okay between us…”

But Beca was shaking her head, pulling her back to her, taking her lips, pressing, moving, kissing. She didn’t need to hear it. She didn’t _want_ to hear it. She just wanted to feel Chloe, to have her there with her. So she kissed her.

Only, the problem with kissing Chloe was that it _always_ led to her wanting more and soon they were forehead to forehead, breathing fast and hard together as Beca rocked Chloe on her lap, pressing her thigh upward and into her as Chloe pressed down, her hands holding tight to the back of Beca’s neck as she watched her, their eyes unable to pull away from the other’s. She pressed harder, her hands pushing Chloe’s hips down as she pressed her thigh higher and Chloe let out a quiet, eye rolling affirmation.

Oh god, Beca’s heart ached. She was beautiful. She was so good, and kind, and silly yet wise. She was just so - everything to her.

She wanted to look at that face – forever and that – that wasn’t something that she did, Beca didn’t – she didn’t – except saying that Beca didn’t feel things like wanting someone forever was a total lie because Beca had wanted Chloe ‘forever’ since she met her. She wanted so much more. She wanted – ugh, an image poured through her mind like wildfire; a tall old Victorian that they had renovated, a front yard with a tire swing in suburbia somewhere. A dog, and a few kids and – she stared into Chloe’s face, willing her to open her eyes, willing her to look at her again.

It was like Chloe had heard her. Her eyes snapped back open, her lips falling slack as she bore into her, ice-blue ringed irises like diamonds.

Beca groaned and shifted Chloe so suddenly she was against the bed, her face burying in her neck, breathing her in, loving, needing the way Chloe wrapped into her, the way she reached down to free herself from her panties, the way she whispered how much she needed her.

Beca needed all of it.

She needed the passion in the way Chloe’s name fell from her lips as she slid her fingers around her most sensitive spot. She needed the way her body bowed into her, pressing them together, she needed the kisses that Chloe peppered to her temple.

She needed Chloe to need her.

It took a moment for the alarm bells to get through the haze that they had created around themselves. She moved a few more times against her, sliding, trying to figure out what it was that didn’t feel right. Chloe whispered her name again, her hips searching for her, begging and Beca almost blew the feeling off, reaching, ready to press them further, preparing to slide into her when it clicked into place.

Instantly panicked, she lifted her fingers, suddenly knowing what didn’t feel right, what she would see.

_Blood._

“Bec, wha-” Chloe’s hazy gaze flicked, following Beca’s blown wide eyes.

The moan that came from Chloe then was not like the others, it was not filled with need, it was not hot or sensually charged. Instead in it Beca could hear all the pain, all the fear, all the hurt of every single miscarriage that Chloe had ever had.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Care reminder: Talk of miscarriage and small talk of blood

Legacy…Legacy...Legacy...

No.

Oh god.

No,no,no,no!

They couldn’t be losing the baby; they couldn’t be losing Legacy...Willa…

Panic high in her chest, Beca was already up, ripping off her pajamas and pulling on her clothes, “Okay, okay, it’s okay, we’re gonna go to the hospital, and it will be fine, it will all be fine. Totally gonna be fine.” She searched desperately for her shoes, mumbling and sweating, her heart beating too hard behind her eyes. “Chlo, it’s going to be-” but she stopped, surprised when she turned and found Chloe just sitting on the side of the bed, still half naked and not moving, her face blank as she stared at the opposite wall.

“Chlo. Chloe!”

Those wide doe eyes slowly pulled, as if trying to work through mud, pulled and dragged until finally they were looking at her. A shiver ran down Beca’s spine.

“Chlo.” She dropped into a squat, looking at her oldest friend, pushing some hair out of her face. “Chlo, come on, we gotta,”

“I told you, Beca.”

“What?”

Chloe shook her head sadly, her frozen eyes moving from the wall she had gone back to staring at, finally falling onto Beca’s, “I told you I wasn’t going to keep her.”

“ _ Hey! _ ” Beca hadn’t meant to bark but the look on Chloe’s eyes was freaking her out a little bit. She grabbed her face, perhaps a little harder than she meant to, “Stop it. Snap out of it. We don’t know. Come on. Get up. Okay?” She gave her a quick kiss and then gently but briskly pulled her up, “Get up. Get dressed. Let’s go.”

Chloe nodded, her eyes clearing a little as she rose and reached for her dress, slowly pulling it on. Too slowly, Chloe was moving too slowly and it was torture.

Beca waited, trying to look like she was calm and confident but on the inside she was freaking out, totally and completely panicked. This couldn’t be happening. It couldn’t. No. She refused. She wouldn’t let it. No, she would find a way. She would protect them. This would not happen. She. Would.  _ Protect  _ them.

She didn’t know what to do. She had no idea what to - what did she do? What could she do? How was she supposed to - she didn’t know - her whirling brain ground to a sudden halt.

Get her to a doctor. That’s what you do. That’s all that matters.

Get her to the doctor.

No.

Hospital.

Get her to the  _ hospital _ .

Now.

Or wait - to the OB? Hospital or OB, hospital or OB.

She was getting dizzy so she made an executive choice because - how the fuck was she supposed to know? She was pretty sure that Chloe hadn’t decided on which midwife she wanted to use so -

Hospital.

They were going to the hospital.

“Come on.” She held out her hand and Chloe slipped hers into it.

“Emily, we’re going to the hospital!” Beca cried as she passed her door, barely slowing. They heard a muffled and barely there, “‘Kay,” but that was all and at this moment they didn’t notice the fact that it was strange, muffled, off colored – drunk. Their minds were far too busy elsewhere.

 

She had never seen Chloe like this; she had never seen her completely sans her natural shine. It was like a candle, a wonderful, beautiful candle that had been snuffed out, smothered. Chloe just sat in the seat beside her, silent as a mouse, her fingers shaking badly as they softly rotated between massaging her throat and rubbing together in her lap, twisting so hard that Beca worried she would hurt herself.

She wished she would speak, she wished she would stop staring out of the window like that. She was scaring her. She didn’t – she didn’t know what to do. “Chloe, it’s going to be alright,” she said again because she had to say something.

Chloe was silent for a long while but her hands had stilled, clutching together tightly in her lap and that - that scared Beca more.

She wanted to shake her, she wanted to force her to blink, to stop staring, to show kind of something, anything. It was like someone had just hit the off switch. “Chl-”

“Did you know we had named him?”

“What?”

“Our first baby. Raleigh.” Chloe cleared her gravelly voice and tried again, “We named him Raleigh.” She stared out the window for a long moment, “When I lost Raleigh there wasn’t any bleeding. That’s how - why - I hadn’t known that he had died.”

Beca winced, shocked that Chloe – she had just – she had just  _ said  _ it. Died, she had just freaking  _ said  _ it.

“I had gone in for a normal appointment. It wasn’t even an important appointment, just a check in. Twenty weeks, that’s the typical big appointment and we weren't there yet. I was just supposed to go in and hear his little – his little,” Chloe’s voice strained, edging on tears, “his little precious heartbeat again. But - they couldn’t find it.” Chloe’s head turned and honestly horrified, Beca couldn’t help but to look back, “His little heart had just stopped beating. That was it. There was no obvious reason. It just stopped.”

Beca wished that she weren’t driving, wished that they had taken a cab. She wanted to turn, she wanted to be there for her. Instead she was forced to take a left and turn onto the freeway.

“I had to go home that day knowing that the baby inside of me had died. Our little boy, he just wasn’t there anymore. I had to stay that way for three days, carrying him until I could – I - could deliver him.”

Beca moaned.

“They gave me a choice. I know I call it a D&C, that’s not right, but it’s easier than saying L&D, than saying I – I gave birth to him.”

Beca stared straight ahead, aghast.

“He was so small, Bec. He was smaller than a kitten. He was only a few inches long. They let me hold him and then that was it.”

“Chlo.” Beca moaned.

“But the second one wasn’t like that. It was - it was something from a  _ horror _ movie. I was at work and I felt this pain so I went to the bathroom and my pants were soaked with blood. There was so much that they rushed me to the hospital. It was still in my first trimester but I was sick for days. It hurt so badly.”

“Chloe.” Her heart ached, her head was beating too hard, aching - she couldn’t - she hadn’t - she couldn’t even - imagine.

“You’re not really allowed to talk about your miscarriages publicly. Not really. People hissed at me and got mad when I tried, especially with Raleigh. He was sixteen weeks. We had named him. We had started to set up his nursery. But he was just gone one day. This whole life. This whole possible world, it just vanished into nothing. So fast.”

Tears were blurring Beca’s vision as she pulled into the hospital parking lot. Her soul hurt for her best friend and once again she kicked herself. Chloe should have been able to talk about it. She should have been able to talk to  _ her _ about it. But where had she been? Partying and drinking?

What was this crap? Why couldn’t women talk about this? Because it scared other women? Because the other women were afraid that it might be them next? Because they didn’t know how to deal with that kind of tremendous loss? That was crap.

She put the car in park and turned but Chloe wasn’t looking at her. She was busy staring out of the window at the large building, “I hate hospitals.”

Beca was starting to as well.

There was nothing in Chloe’s voice, no hope, no sunshine, no happiness. It pushed Beca out of the car and around to her side, where she pulled her out by force.

“Chloe, listen to me.” Chloe’s eyelashes fluttered, brimming with pain-filled tears. “Hey, she’s going to be  _ okay _ .”

Chloe’s eyes twitched between her own, her look lost, “I can still feel her moving. Am I imagining that?”

“No!” Beca almost cried with relief, “No!  _ See! _ Legacy is okay.” She said it in her most matter of fact tone, not willing to hear anything else. “This just happens sometimes, right? I read online that this can happen, especially when you’re doing - what we were - just then. Willa is  _ fine _ . She’s in there - where she belongs - she’s a happy and healthy little girl who is waiting to come and meet you. Okay?” When had her hand gotten on Chloe’s belly that way, holding it that tightly? “ _ Okay? _ ”

Chloe gave her a small nod and leaning in she kissed her, pressing her face to hers for a moment and taking a deep breath, steadying. Beca’s arms wrapped around her, holding her like if she just held tightly enough she could take some of that pain away from her sunshine-girl.

“Okay, come on.” She took her hand and together they walked into the ER.

The staff took their situation very seriously apparently because minutes later Chloe was in a wheelchair, looking strangely small and frightened as they got her information. Beca didn’t know if their strict no-bullshit attitude made her feel better, or if it made her feel more like she should be worried. Beca’s fingers shook as she supplied as many answers as she could, just so Chloe didn’t have to. Her hands couldn’t stop rubbing Chloe’s, chafing the cold fingers, stroking her shoulders, moving up and down her arms, anything really so long as she was touching her. She just couldn’t bear to stop touching her. She was so freaking afraid and she could feel Chloe shaking like a leaf.

“Alright, just give us one minute.” The friendly looking nurse gave them a warm smile and Beca leaned down, wrapping her arms around Chloe, knowing she found comfort in touch.

“It’s going to be okay. I’m sure it’s nothing,” Beca said in a light, casual tone. She shrugged her shoulders and clicked her tongue, “Totally. It’s going to be fiiiiiine. We’ll be out of here in no time and then I’ll make you take me for ice cream.”

Chloe let out a small tear-stained laugh.

“Really. She’s going to be okay.”

God, why did she have to suck so hard? She knew there was more that she should say, something better, but she couldn’t think of it. Why couldn’t she be like Chloe? Chloe always had the words. Or like Aubrey, who never really knew what to say any better than Beca but the things she did say were said with such a strict confidence that you felt better because you were sure there was no way anything would have the balls to cross her.

Aubrey would know how to do it. Aubrey would know how to say these things to Chloe while also mentally preparing herself,  _ and _ getting ready to comfort Chloe - who would break - she would break if she lost Willa.

Nope.

She had to be herself. She had to be Beca. The stumbling, awkward mess who totally blew in these situations.

She squeezed tighter, worried that maybe it was too tight but Chloe’s hand wrapped around her arm and squeezed back with just as much force.

How the hell was she going to get them through losing Legacy?

How the hell – she knew she wanted to see her little face. She had been picturing it for weeks, imagining it all of the time – would she – was she – were they going to lose that?

How the hell was she going to get Chloe through that?

The question swam around and around in her head.

She didn’t know.

It was one thing when they thought that Chloe might have lost her weeks and weeks ago...but Chloe was twenty-three weeks now. It would be like last time, with baby Raleigh...only so, so, so much worse.

“Okay, here we go!” The cheerful nurse gave Beca a nod, taking the handles of the wheelchair.

Beca nodded mechanically, her thoughts on what the hell a twenty-three-week old baby would look like as she began to follow.

She felt sick so she held a little tighter to Chloe’s hand.

“I’m sorry,” the nurse stopped, “are you her wife? Because we -”

Chloe’s hand closed like a vice on hers for a moment, giving her just long enough to register pain before suddenly and loudly, Chloe was yelling, almost screaming, “ _ WHY THE HELL DOES EVERYONE KEEP  _ ASKING _ THAT _ ?”

Beca and the nurse jerked back, Beca’s hand sliding free in shock.

Chloe’s face fell to her hands, her whole body crumpling in on itself and Beca watched as she took a deep steadying breath. She could see that Chloe’s ears were red, she could see that she was...she was livid.

Beca hadn’t moved, her hand still swinging loose at her side from when it had fallen from Chloe’s.

“Right. I apologize for the assumption. Miss, you’re going to have to wait here, only immediate family is allowed through those doors. We will be sure to have someone come out to update you.”

Beca knew she was being addressed, she knew the woman was talking to her. But she was looking at Chloe’s red face, she was remembering the blood on her own fingertips, she was picturing a tiny head of red curly hair and she was – she couldn’t move. She couldn’t fucking move.

She couldn’t breathe.

_ What? _

Had that -  _ What had just happened? _

She saw Chloe’s head jerk up to the nurse, registering the words while Beca was only just beginning to understand the meaning, “What? No!”

Beca stared at her through the shocked tunnel her vision had created. She just – she couldn’t stop watching Chloe’s face, seeing it go from fire hot to pale and panicked.

“No, I, I, I, that wasn’t what I meant, no, I’m sorry I misspoke,”

“It’s hospital policy, dear. Don’t worry; we’ll take good care of her.”

Beca heard that and in her stupor she frowned, wondering which one of them she meant, her or Chloe.

“No, no, please! Bec!” She saw Chloe turn in the wheelchair but they were already moving again, “Shit!”

And then they were gone, disappeared through the swinging doors.

And Beca was still frozen, staring after them with her mouth hanging open like an idiot.

Like a  _ fucking  _ idiot.

She was just - standing - unable to do anything, unable to hear anything except Chloe’s sudden shout, hear that declaration - yet again -  _ no, she’s not my girlfriend _ \-  _ no she’s not my wife _ \-  _ no, she’s not anything. _

Humiliation rolled through her as her face crumpled and she started to cry. Right there. Right beside the front desk. She gasped and hiccupped, unable to stop it.

Okay so, she was just stressed out. That was all. Between the dreams, and the weirdness between her and Chlo - the love of her fucking life - and Emily and the studio and everything - she was just a little stressed.

That’s all.

But.

This hurt.

And not in a way she knew or understood, this – it was pure, childlike in its honest nature. It – she -

Chloe had just _ done _ that.

It had happened.

And-

And -

She understood that for whatever fucking reason, Chloe  _ needed _ people to know they weren’t together but - this was more than that. Had she really just put up this huge wall that Beca could not get around? She had drawn a line between herself and Beca; a strict do not cross. And Beca felt as though she hadn’t known it was there, hadn’t seen it coming and therefore had sprinted headlong into the barrier, bashing her teeth loose and knocking herself unconscious.

She hadn’t seen the line and therefore it had cut her in half.

...And now she was in the waiting room and all she could think was... this was where she belonged.

This was what  _ everything _ lately had been telling her.

She was not family. She was not anything.

She was nothing.

And maybe - that’s how Chloe really wanted it. She said that wasn’t true but it was.... _ clear _ suddenly.

Chloe might be losing her baby, after all of this time, after everything...and she literally shoved Beca out, she had kicked with a spiked heel and it had impaled itself into her gut.

It had been hitting her over the head and she wondered how it had taken her so long to really see it. She felt...stupid.

“Hi darling,” a soft voice was suddenly at her shoulder and it made Beca jump, realizing that she was still standing there, her head reclined toward the ceiling, her palms pressing hard into her eyes.

She hated just how much this fucking hurt.

Jesus, why did it – why did it – hurt so – _so_ _bad_?

“She’s going to be just fine. Come with me.” She followed the nurse through a set of doors across the hall without having given her body the command to do so. “Take a seat in here.”

Beca nodded, her brain so full of everything else that after a minute she still hadn’t moved.

“Would you like me to wait for a while with you?”

Beca looked around at the others there, all wearing the same expression of agony, many crying just as hard as she was.

Oh god, she was still crying.

She shook her head.

Why was she sitting down?

Why?

What the hell was she doing?

She should go.

She didn’t belong here.

She didn’t belong anywhere.

Not with Chloe anyway.

Not with the woman she - goddamn it.

She tried to force her body to rise, she tried to stop the flow of tears, but she couldn’t do either. She pressed against her eyes, pressed and pressed until she saw spots and still the water coming from them found a way to escape.

Which only made her feel all the more fucking stupid.

How was it possible for anyone to be as stupid as she was?

It was astounding. Staggering. Almost impressive.

And yet she sat there, playing it over and over again, playing each rejection, each denial over and over in her head, never having noticed just how many there had been.

She hated herself for this.

She hated herself for not being able to stand up and leave, for staying and waiting for a woman who - for whatever reason - did not want her; not in any real way that mattered.

She couldn’t sit here. She couldn’t sit here surrounded by people whose loved ones were hurt, sick, dying. She couldn’t.

She felt like an...imposter.

She had no right to be here with them - with the scared, with the panicked - with the people who were waiting for news of their family. She had no right to masquerade as one of them.

God, she should have known.

Well.

She did know, didn’t she?

How many times had Chloe said no?

So many.

Too many.

Chloe – she had never rejected her – only, she was living in Chloe’s rejection, wasn’t she? Chloe  _ had  _ rejected her. She had said no.

She had known; she had known since day one. She had just been too stupid to really see it.

And now – she had said no again.

Damn it, she wiped at her wet face, she wished that the tears would stop at least. She hated to cry, she had always hated to cry. Growing up she had always cried as she listened to her parents fighting. It had been bad before the divorce, her parents ripping at one another with a vengeance. Of course, she had been too young to understand that it had actually been worse once they had stopped fighting. Either way, she had always cried and then her parents would find her. Though they would pat her and try to comfort her, the sighting of Beca’s tiny tears always made them fight harder once they were back behind closed doors, as though they didn’t realize that child Beca could still hear them.

She didn’t want to cry.

Stop crying, Beca, fuck!

She looked up, embarrassed but saw again that, well, at least she wasn’t the only one in tears.

Her mind was foggy, filled to the brim with things she didn’t want to think about so it took her too long to realize that she was looking into the eyes of the man sitting across from her; his tears rolling just as quickly as hers were. She dropped her gaze but then, for some reason she couldn’t explain, she looked back up, feeling in their tears that maybe at least – they kind of understood one another.

“My wife.” He said, “She’s in premature labor. It’s too early. The baby probably won’t make it..”

She nodded and, not sure why she did it, she said, “My best friend - pregnant too. She was bleeding and I don’t, I don’t know what that means.”

She watched as a look passed over the man’s face. For a brief moment it was as though he was offended, and then he just stared at her, looking at her like she was absolutely bat-shit crazy, like why the hell was she in tears then if it was  _ only _ her  _ best friend _ through those horrible doors.

Beca’s face dropped to her hands, fresh bitter tears falling; god she was tired of getting that look.

She didn’t look at the man again, though she felt him trying more than once to catch her eye. She just sat, her forehead against her palms, staring at her jeans, her mind whirling as her stupid fucking water soaked the denim.

 

The wait was excruciating. Each time the doors opened and a nurse walked in it was like a game of sadistic roulette - button, button, who’s got the button - waiting for a name to be called so someone could hear about the one they loved.

Finally, a nurse came through and called, “Hyde?” and the man skittered off, taking the pressure to avoid his eyes with him.

Beca felt a little better after that, able to go back to her own inner struggle without prying eyes.

Her thoughts wouldn’t land, rotating between what was happening to Chloe, wondering if she was alright, worrying about Legacy and remembering; seeing that look on her face, hearing her yell, and reminding herself that she was fucking stupid for all of it.

Finally, mercifully as time passed and she grew tired that blissful numb began to wash over her, sheeting her with blank depression and her tears finally dried. It was a relief. She took to staring at the ground then because that was easier than seeing the other people around her. They made her feel like she was going to lose it again and she just - she fucking didn’t need that.

How had she gotten here?

How had she gotten here  _ again _ ? How had she become too invested in a woman who didn’t want her? Again.

How?

“Beale?”

Beca jumped. She hadn’t even heard the nurse come through the door this time.

“Yeah. That’s me.”  _ Kind of. _ She joined her in the hall, all but dancing on feet stinging with pins and needles.

“Your friend is just fine. She’s been moved out of the ER and you can go back and see her.”

“And the - pregnancy - the baby?”

“It’s okay too. Sometimes this just happens.”

Relief hit her like a tsunami wave, trying to take her down to her knees. Her hands pressed against her temples, moving ever so slightly because she had to, “So wait, they’re okay? Both of them? They’re fine, they’re okay?”

The nurse, clearly distracted, only gave her a nod.

Okay. They were okay.

They were _ okay _ !

Everything was fine.

Except nothing was fine.

She tried to keep track of the directions she had been given, hoping she was correct when she took off before the woman had fully finished speaking.

Great. And here you are all but running to a woman who doesn’t want you. Yeah, maybe she thinks she does, and maybe she does in a way, but in reality, she doesn’t. If she did then things wouldn’t look like this right now.

They just wouldn’t.

Loser.

Chloe was on her before she had even finished stepping through the door. Her arms wrapped around her neck, “Oh my god, Beca, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean it like that, I’m _ so sorry _ .”

Beca blinked.

No. Chloe never  _ meant _ to hurt her. She already knew that.

She pushed her back by the hips so she could look at her, size her up to be sure she looked like normal, pissed when she realized her first thought was to wonder if she should be standing. Jesus, what was  _ wrong _ with her?

“Should you sit back down?”

Chloe ignored her question, kissing her face, cupping her cheeks, tears puddling in her eyes as she apologized over and over again.

Beca wished she would just stop.

God, it all – it just fucking hurt, it felt like she had a fucking icepick in her side.

So she blew it off, putting it high on a shelf for another day; tucking it away from Chloe. “Yeah. Yeah, it’s cool. I know.” She let Chloe kiss her, she let Chloe hold her - all the while the huge, jagged hole in her side ached, bleeding onto the floor. It hurt. So much. Somehow it hurt more now. Being here with Chloe hurt more than it had in the waiting room.

Beca had thought that it hurt years ago when she had loved her and couldn’t tell her, she had thought that was what pain felt like but now - this - it was starting to hurt worse.

It’s in your head, right? It’s always in your head. None of this is real.  _ Chloe loves you. _ You know that, Beca.

She tried to tell herself that, she really tried, only this time it wasn’t in her head.

It  _ wasn’t _ and oh god, she wished it was.

She felt Chloe trail a thumb under her eye, “You’ve been  _ crying! _ Oh god, Bec -”

“What? No, I just have allergies. I’m a little stuffy,” she sniffed, jerkily wiping her face yet again, “How’s Legacy?”

She knew that Chloe saw the evasion but decided to go along with it, “She’s fine. They said everything is normal. They said bleeding like that was normal sometimes. I guess, I don’t know, I’ve never been this far along before to know. They’re not even going to admit me. She’s moving like crazy too because they had to poke her a bunch. Here.”

She watched as Chloe took her hand and pressed it flatly against the underside of her belly button. Beca waited, as she always did, for the lack of anything. She never felt it. She was beginning to think she was broken.

But then, against her fingers she felt this strange alien nudge, this gentle bump.

Her mouth shot open. “Holy shit!”

“You felt her?” Chloe squealed, excitedly bouncing.

“I think so. Hold on. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! HOLY CRAP!”

“Really?”

Beca nodded fast, dropping to her knees and pressing her cheek against it.

Whoaaaaaa, ‘kay, this was the strangest freaking feeling.

“Jesus! I think you have something in there, Chlo.” Beca laughed as she felt the nudges against the side of her face, her palms covering the rest of the small stomach. “Dude! This is freaking amazing!” She blinked a few times, confused when she felt the tears stinging in her eyes again, threatening their return. Why did she feel like crying?

She felt Chloe’s fingers lace through her hair and glanced up, enjoying the smile that Chloe was giving her, enjoying the gentle affectionate pressure of her fingers against her scalp. She sank into Chloe’s gaze and the tears, the hurt, the thing Chloe had said, had done, it was all forgotten as Legacy gave another quick - boop - and Chloe let out a startled, “Ooh” that Beca just totally loved.

Beca laughed, pressing a little harder. “This is crazy.”

Chloe’s fingers started to trail up and down the back of her neck and Beca’s eyes closed, sighing, feeling wonderfully warm.

“Alright, Miss Beale - oh! I’m sorry.”

Beca opened her eyes, the bubble she hadn’t know they had created was suddenly popped.

She hadn’t realized that her upset had been forgotten, she hadn’t realized that she suddenly had felt happy with Chloe’s hands on her so possessively.

She clicked her tongue, flinching as it all flowed back in, the darkness, the hurt, the pain - the new and so unwelcome realization.

She was getting that look again, this time from the nurse. It said she was clearly confused as to why Chloe had kicked Beca out and yet now they were sitting so intimately.

Beca got up, needing to be gone, needing to be away. “Yeah, you don’t even know the half of it,” she answered the nurse’s non-question as she passed. She turned just before disappearing and caught a glance of Chloe’s face as she called saying she would be out by the car so she could smoke.

Chloe looked so confused; panicked, confused and terrified like any moment she would come apart at the seams.

That only made it worse.

Beca waited beside her car, smoking hard.

She had been fooled again.

For just a minute she had been fooled again.

Clearly, she was the world’s biggest sucker.

But now that loop was back on in her mind, playing it over and over, hearing Chloe’s voice yelling at the nurse for assuming that she was Chloe’s wife.

She yelled it like that would be the worst thing in the world.

Feeling Willa move was amazing, but heartbreaking too. She didn’t even want to be a parent to Willa. She wanted to know her, yes, she loved her - because she was Chloe’s, but Beca was okay with Chloe insisting she was going to do it alone. It wasn’t about that. So.

Why did she feel like there was no air? No sun?

She put on her sunglasses because she felt that hot burning in her eyes again and she was beyond freaking sick of crying in front of people. Of crying at all.

Chloe had apologized, she knew that. She understood. Chloe had just barked in a moment of stress. But it had meant something. Or at least...it had meant something to Beca.

She ran her hand through her hair, as a moment of red hot fury shot through her.

She just wanted to have a real place in Chloe’s life. Was that really so bad? Was that really so much to ask for? She just wanted a place and she didn’t have one!

_ GODDAMNIT! _

She turned and kicked her car tire – hard – really hard. So hard that she felt something pop and crack and she yelped, falling to the ground as she pulled off her shoe. “Fuck!” she wailed, poking at the toe, relieved when she could put pressure on it. “FUCK!”

And the fire was gone, just like that, melting back into bleak depression. She pulled her shoe back on but didn’t bother to stand, lighting another cigarette as she sat on the asphalt, her back against the car.

Things had been bad yesterday, and the few days before that, things had been bad between then and before that, kind of, but now…

“Hey.”

Beca stood quickly, crushing out the cigarette, waving so the smoke would dissipate as Chloe approached.

“You done?”

Chloe gave her a small somewhat shaky nod, “Why were you on the ground?”

Beca just shrugged.

Chloe’s eye was appraising, “I’m sorry you had to come with me.”

“What? Don’t be. I’m, um, I’m just glad that you two are okay.”

“Bec, are  _ you _ okay?” Chloe asked, hooking her hand around the back of Beca’s neck in that way that she always did, “On a scale of one to twenty-two, how badly did I fuck up? Be  _ honest  _ with me, please.  _ Talk to me. _ ”

Beca just stared for a moment.

It wasn’t a fuck up, Chlo. It was  _ truth. _

“What? No. You’re good. Come on, let’s get out of here.”

Chloe nodded, giving her a small smile. Beca ducked into the car fast, nearly hitting her head, because she knew, she absolutely knew that she couldn’t meet it with one of her own.

The drive was silent. She could feel that Chloe was giving her space, letting her decide when she was ready to talk. Typical Chloe and Beca knew that the moment she was ready Chloe would be there, ready to catch her with a Beca sized safety net.

But she couldn’t.

Just like always. Just like before. She knew Chloe had been waiting for her to start talking with increasing desperation for a while now but - she was still herself, she was still Beca and she couldn’t. 

Chloe had made her promise; Chloe had begged her to be honest that day when she had said ‘not never’.

But Beca couldn’t.

She just…she glanced at Chloe out of the corner of her eye, took in her pensive, nervous expression, took in the face that had brought her so much comfort, the face that was her favorite out of all the freaking stupid faces. No…she just couldn’t tell her about any of this in her head, not anymore.

Chloe didn’t speak until they got off at the exit for her apartment and not Beca’s, “Can’t I go home with you?”

She could hear something in Chloe’s voice, a mild panic but she couldn’t decide which thing was making her panic; she didn’t even try.

Beca didn’t answer until she put the car into park in front of her complex a few minutes later, “No, not tonight. I have some work to do at the studio. A meeting.”

Chloe was silent for a long while and Beca could feel her eyes on her like a searchlight, trying to read whatever she saw there. She reached over and pushed Beca’s hair out of her face.

Beca’s throat closed.

She tried to reach for Beca’s sunglasses, ready to remove them, but Beca pulled away. It wasn’t hard or aggressive but it was a clear no.

Chloe’s hand dropped back to her lap like a stone.

God, Beca didn’t get it. What was wrong with her? All she wanted to do was crawl into Chloe and sob - because Chloe was the one person who made her hurts feel better, but it was the one thing she couldn’t do.

She wanted to do these very unBeca things, she wanted to make her hold her, she wanted to make her kiss her, she wanted to make her touch her. She wanted to hide in her, to wrap herself in her entirely.

What the fuck was all of this? She didn’t – she didn’t feel things – not like this, she wasn’t this kind of person. She didn’t need people. This was lame, and totally stupid and what the hell?

Only – maybe she was kind of lying. Because that wasn’t true anymore, was it?

No. It wasn’t.

She knew that.

They both knew that.

That wasn’t who Beca was anymore.

This was why she had wanted so desperately to stay away from Chloe when she showed up the summer before; this is why she knew she had to, else be totally screwed. Because at some point Chloe had fixed this in her, hadn’t she? Somewhere along the way the forced affection, the forced hugs – at least where Chloe was concerned - had fixed this and that had been true for a long time. That was the point. That was the whole fucking point.

Besides – if she went to Chloe when she was hurt – but didn’t tell her she was there because she was upset, made some excuse, said something sarcastic – then she wasn’t going for comfort, she wasn’t going because she needed Chloe. She was just – whatever – right? That was a thing, right? She wasn’t – she didn’t-

God, this wasn’t that big of a deal.

Calm down Beca, none of this is new.

She had already known that Chloe didn’t want her. At this point she was sure of that.

And she couldn’t go to Chloe with this.

“Beca.”

She couldn’t even look at her. She was going to cry if she did. She was barely holding it back already, each breath aching and reminding her that she didn’t want her, that  _ Chloe  _ didn’t want her. Chloe had always wanted her – in one way or another, that was one of those things she knew. When no one else in the whole entire fucking world had wanted her - Chloe always had.

She couldn’t even wrap her head around this. She couldn’t even wrap her head around how fucking stupid she had been. Her hands tightened on the steering wheel, “No, everything is  _ fine _ , Chloe.”

But it was not fine. She hadn’t been fine before today and she wasn’t fine now.

This was stupid. She was stupid. And she was not fine. Why couldn’t she just tell her that she was not fine? “I’ll send Emily over to stay with you if you feel like you need someone, ‘kay? Or maybe you should get Aubs on Skype. Have one of those Skype chick-flick movie night things that you guys do.”

Chloe pulled her face to hers, their foreheads resting together. She didn’t try to remove her sunglasses again, but she held her there, stroking her face with her thumb, “What are you thinking, baby? What  _ have _ you been thinking? I feel like I can’t read you so well these days. What’s going on? What is it? Tell me.”

“Nothing. Just a scary afternoon.”

She knew that Chloe was going to push her.

So instead she pushed.

She leaned forward and took her lips in a kiss that ripped her already sore heart in two. She felt Chloe push, trying to deepen the kiss, trying to be closer; so Beca let her, responding in kind, responding until Chloe had to break away and take a gasping breath.

And because of that kiss, Chloe let her go.

She got out of the car and she let Beca pull away, despite the fact that Beca could see the worry creasing her forehead.

 

She couldn’t stop thinking about that baby moving.

She couldn’t stop thinking, period.

She let herself into the studio and closed the doors, feeling as though she had just entered her safe space.

She let out a whimper and flopped down on the plush carpet, her jacket balled under her head and her foot still aching.

She just needed to lie down for a minute.

Just a minute.

Then she would work on Kendra’s stuff, or Emily’s - no, she would work on that little tinkling song.

Just a few minutes.

 

When she woke it was early morning the next day.

She groaned, curling into a ball and wishing she had a blanket.

How long had she slept?

She checked her phone.

7:47 A.M.

Fuck. How many  _ hours  _ had she slept?

And she had a few texts all wanting to know how she was, if she made it home, if she was okay, all from Chloe. The last one had come early that morning:

“Hey Bec, you’re probably asleep and I don’t know if you would want to or anything but I think Nick and Jenny really want us to come for Christmas. Nick seems really excited. Will you come with me? I hope you’re okay. Call me today, okay?”

Beca stared at it, reading it twice.

God, they were close to Christmas, weren’t they?

Yeah, it was about ten days away, holy shit.

She read the text again.

Actually, she would love to spend Christmas with Chloe. Like, really freaking loved it.

But not in the way she would be allowed to spend it.

She wanted to shower her with love and affection, share eggnog with her, even though it was gross. She wanted to shower the baby with gifts and silly little ‘welcome to the world’ things. She wanted it to be romantic, intimate. She wanted to walk through Disneyland with her after the park had turned itself over to the yuletide time of year. She wanted to hold her hand and pull her under the mistletoe for a kiss. She wanted Chloe to force her into a striped Santa hat and then giggle once she saw it on. She wanted to...

But going to Henderson...it wouldn’t be like that.

She already knew that.

Christmas wouldn’t be anything like that at all.

So she clicked her phone onto ‘Do Not Disturb’ and, curling up into a tight ball, she didn’t answer. 

  
  



	13. Chapter 13

As a matter of fact, Beca didn’t answer any text messages over the next few days, nor did she pick up the phone when Chloe’s grinning face popped up, her cell singing it’s special Chloe song.

She went dark.

It was just easier.

Beca could think better when Chloe wasn’t around.

Besides, she was busy.

Once she realized that Christmas was so close she kind of felt terrible for being totally unprepared for it. She had no idea how it had sort of just slipped by her radar so she spent the next few days running around and doing all of her Christmas shopping in one giant almost last minute swoop which - yeah, normally she secretly loved Christmas shopping but this year it blew. Actually, it had blown the last few years too. Her family had never been all that big on holidays so it had been Chloe in her bad sweaters and happy holiday cheer that had made it fun. She was always far more excited for the holiday than any grown person should be, insisting ‘it’s a day about making people happy. It’s a day about magic. Of course, I like it’.

Okay so. She...she missed her.

And she hated that.

She didn’t  _ want _ to miss her.

Except she did.

This whole thing was just stupid and didn’t work if she kept missing her.

And yet she did.

Once she had done her shopping, she decided to  _ at least start  _ furnishing the studio – which had been kind of fun. Then, once everything was delivered, once she had a couch and a table, she concentrated on work – meaning she had gone home to grab Emily.

Beca had shoved, literally shoved, Emily out of bed, into clothes. And, not caring that she reeked of booze, she forced her into the studio.

Maybe normal life was what she needed right now. Like working. Maybe Flashlight just needed other things to occupy her time.

She tried to deny that the smell was creating a low-level panic in her but whatever, she would deal with that - she would - as soon as she figured out what the fuck to say.

What the hell did you say?

She didn’t want to scare her away.

She didn’t want to make it worse.

Maybe Chloe had been right and the thing to do was to call Benji.

But she shoved that thought away too.

She would deal with it, she would. She just – maybe – not right now.

Despite the fact that Emily’s fingers shook ever so slightly, they had enjoyed one another’s company and the recording had gone well - for about two hours. Then, somewhat out of the freaking blue, the stress lines on Emily’s face seemed to deepen and the girl began to stumble.

Beca tried everything.

She tried to laugh with her, she tried to encourage her, she barked at her a few times and nothing helped. Emily’s face just continued to grow a deeper shade of green and her voice first began to wobble and then to break as her stress grew. Finally, after a particularly nasty crack, Emily yanked off her the headphones with a surprising growl.

Beca had agreed then that it was time to stop – despite the fact that they hadn’t gotten much done...at all, but yeah, the day had been long. She had asked her to stay, to hang out with her and order a pizza or Chinese or just about anything but Emily had refused, leaving in a fit of rage.

That had hurt too.

She wondered if the problem was that Emily just needed a drink.

That thought had fucked her up for a long time after Emily had left.

God, she had to do something.

She had no freaking clue where the line between being a friend and interfering was, though. Maybe she just needed to let Emily know she was there for her for now - but that sounded so ‘Chloe’ to say and she knew that she couldn’t pull that off. Maybe she could have with the typical Emily, but she knew there was no way that she would with this on edge jonesing for a drink version.

So she stayed behind in the studio, not really wanting to go home.

As a matter of fact, the next evening had Beca wondering if she should just invest in a bed for the studio instead of the couch she had bought...or maybe she should have bought a sofa bed.

Emily had come in again that afternoon and Beca had known it would be bad almost instantly.

She had never seen Emily act like a - like a -  _ diva _ before. That just wasn’t freaking her thing, like at all! She had never seen Emily yell, or scream and rant, she had never seen her accuse Beca of messing with the notes to mess her up. She had never seen any of this from Emily, other clients a little bit but not Emily.

Beca had been speechless as Emily stormed from the studio mid-session. And she had felt terrible. How had Emily gotten back to this place? How had this become the way it was? Even before - she had never seen Emily like this....even when she was steadily drinking with Hunny. It was like in trying to hide it, as she was doing so badly right now, it was getting worse.

And she didn’t know how to help or what to do about that.

And she didn’t like the way that Emily glared at her as if somehow the way Emily was feeling was her fault.

So she had stayed again.

She didn’t really like home right now.

Emily was there.

Chloe wasn’t.

She let herself stay the next night too.

She crawled into the bed on the couch she had made for herself with a sigh, thankful she had bought herself a blanket and a pillow at Target that day. She wrapped it tightly around herself and tried to swallow down the feeling of extreme loneliness that was gnawing at her insides.

How pathetic was this?

I mean, Jesus.

How pathetic was she right now?

She pulled the blanket up to her chin and then with a groan she pulled it over her face as her thoughts returned to the same place they had gone to constantly, no matter how much she kicked and whined.

She had realized that she knew what the problem was earlier that day, where she had lost her footing and had started to spiral into this fucking mess again.

It was that day with the pizza. That day that she had given in and taken that slice, and with it had then taken Chloe back into her heart. Not that she had ever been fully gone, but it had been padlocked away, in a safe and totally untouchable place.

“You let yourself get in too deep!” She yelled at the blank white ceiling. She let herself get too attached. Chloe had warned her over and over again that she didn’t want to be together - or at least ‘not right now’ - or so she said.

But it had been months and Chloe seemed  _ less and less _ inclined instead of the other way around.

Beca had been fooling herself. She had been  _ willfully  _ fooling herself.

She was such an idiot.

What the hell had she been thinking?

She was furious with herself because what - the - fuck had she been  _ thinking _ ? This was exactly what she knew would happen. She had called it like twenty-four hours in! This was why she had tried to stay clear of Chloe when she first showed up. There was no fucking line when it came to her and Chloe. She just gave herself completely because she was dumb.

God, how could she be so dumb?

Chloe wasn’t that great!

She was clingy. And she avoided things. And she was possessive. And she was creating this whole weird situation between them with her refusal to let things change. And she liked yoga  _ way _ too much. Like way too much. And she had married Nick. And it took her far too long to realize she was gay. And she snored. And she never let her eat greasy food. And - and -

“Fuck. And you’re lying, Beca. You’re so lying. She’s kind of fucking awesome.” She groaned through the blanket, pulling it away from her face, “And you’re fucking talking to yourself. Awesome. Great. This is definitely a good sign about your mental stability. Oh my god, you’re still doing it! What the actual fuck?”

She flopped over, cuddling the pillow to her.

She needed to take a step away.

And she couldn’t freaking believe she was here again….at this freaking point...where she knew she needed to step away...again...

Because she was not Chloe’s wife, she was not her girlfriend. She...Beca Mitchell...got to be her...best friend...whatever that meant...and that was all. Which….yaaaaay...but it wasn’t enough.

Her phone screen lit, catching her eye across the studio where it was plugged in and charging.

She didn’t have to look to know who it would be.

She rolled over, facing away from the open room.

Chloe’s texts thus far had remained casual, if she knew Chloe, she was busy trying not to make assumptions about what exactly it was that was happening between them. Today, however, the texts had started to get more and more frequent; soon they would grow from frequent to twitchy and then to panicked and then to absolutely freaked.

They’d been here before too. That was the thing. They’d been here before.

The thing was last time it wasn’t Chloe’s fault - she had been ‘straight’ and she had been married and pregnant and all of that.

This time Chloe was literally in her bed...in her fucking bed…telling her that she couldn’t be, wouldn’t be, and wasn’t.

Last time Beca had nearly dried herself out with her tears.

This time…

She covered her head with the blanket.

She missed her.

This time she just fucking missed her.

 

The next morning Beca rose early and debated running by her condo. It was early enough that Emily wouldn’t be awake.

God, Bec, that’s just stupid.

Go home.

You smell bad.

Still, she scowled as she let herself into her condo, dropping her keys beside the door. She had to do something about her newly acquired awkward roommate.

But she couldn’t kick her out. It was a week until Christmas! She couldn’t kick out one of her best friends a week before Christmas. She didn’t believe in Santa, but if she did she was pretty sure that would get her on the naughty list.

Plus. It was Emily. It was Flashlight - Legacy 1.0. She couldn’t do that. She couldn’t kick her out at all.

Her phone vibrated in her pocket, “Where the hell have you been hiding? PLEASE call me today?”

She frowned. Chloe panic level yellow. Still staring at the message she went to the kitchen to make a press of coffee. She needed to stop tiptoeing. Emily wasn’t going to come down and even if she did – well, she wasn’t going to be upset about seeing one of her best friends - even if shit was just bad right now. She lit a cigarette as she made the coffee, the fact that she could allow herself to smoke inside for once caused her pain that she did her best to ignore.

She smoked until she finished her cigarette and then she went up to her bathroom and took a long shower. She had a full fucking day today. Like, so full that she didn’t really have time for this shit. She really had other things to do and she was just going to fucking focus on that because that was life and this shit was just - shit.

Right?

Whatever.

Kendra was going to get into town in exactly two weeks which meant that she needed to start recording Hope today. She was pretty sure the whole thing was going to freak her out - and she was pretty sure that her parents were going to interrupt every three seconds with questions. It would probably take two sessions minimum for everyone to feel comfortable and get anything useable. She squirt some conditioner into her hand and began to run it through her hair, feeling a moment of mild annoyance that she had to take so many precautions with Hope. P.J. had warned her that having a client that young would be complicated. Then again, she supposed that it wasn’t any worse than EZ and going out every night. The concessions were just different. And Hope was sweet. And crazy fucking talented. So she could deal.

She also had another session scheduled with Emily. She ran her fingers through her hair, rinsing the conditioner. She was  _ going _ to talk to Emily today. She had been putting it off for too long. She just - yeah, okay so she was totally afraid she was just going to make it worse. She was so good at that. She was so good at just making it worse, especially when it was delicate like this. What if she said something that actually sent Emily running to the nearest bar? What if  _ she _ was the reason that Emily went on a Hunny-esque bender and hurt herself?

She had to do something, though. Chloe was right about one thing, Emily was family.

Oh and shit, fuck! Today was the nineteenth! How the fuck was it already the nineteenth?! Shit, she had a meeting with Kendra’s handler today which - was awkward. EZTeez hadn’t needed a handler. No, _ she _ had kind of been his handler. And none of her other clients had handlers. None of her other clients had been big enough to need handlers. So that was going to be...new. She understood that Kendra was kind of in a different league than EZ had been or Synergy or even Amanda Thorough – but it wasn’t going to be any different than Hope’s mom and dad hanging out during each of their meetings, right?

She had no idea.

That was the problem. Handlers typically - handled - pretty much anything and everything, depending on what the artist wanted. So this chic could be showing up with literally any kind of questions and planning on doing literally anything from checking out the place that Kendra will be subletting, to making sure the studio was drug free, to double checking that Beca had white walls in the sound booth and not orange or red.

It could be anything.

She finished her shower and dressed, debating just waking Emily up now. Maybe they could talk now instead of later and then have a really awesome session.

Except she wanted her responsive and happy, not ready to kill her and grumpy.

She would be at the studio, they would talk then.

And maybe she should grab a dozen donuts or something too. Emily freaking loved donuts. And soooo maybe she would be using them as a bribing tool but donuts were awesome. So she stood in the forever and a half line at Dunkin’ Donuts and grabbed the treats as well as breakfast for herself.

It would have been kind of nice to sit and relax at a table instead of eating at the studio, where she had been living for days now - but yeah, she had never really been one of those people who could eat alone in public. She respected them - a lot - and kind of judged them - and so she couldn’t do it.

This wasn’t weird, right? Totally not weird, she insisted to herself as she unlocked her studio. She was supposed to basically live here. She was always working. She wasn’t a total loser. She was just getting the studio going.

Ugh, except that two women had her cornered here, afraid to go anywhere else.

Because she was a loser.

She ate slowly, too busy grumbling to herself and then once she had cleaned up and thrown everything away she took a second to clean up some more, tidying the ‘I live here’ mess. Emily would be here soon and then Kendra’s handler and then Hope. None of them needed to see her blanket fort.

Damn it. You have to go home tonight.

You have to.

You know. Sleep in your bed. At the condo. That you pay money every month for. You know, so you can sleep in it.

Idly she wondered, not for the first time as of late, if she should move, get closer to Grasshopper, downgrade since she wasn’t exactly throwing parties for P.J. anymore – not for a long time but the thought of packing everything up and actually moving – yeah – not so fun. And then the image she had previously conjured flashed through her mind, the old Victorian, the tire swing. She groaned, shoving her way outside to smoke.

Not thinking about that.

Never thinking about that again.

Think about - anything else - literally anything like...like… like the fact that tomorrow she had her first piano lesson and that gala-fashion show - thing. Shit. Beca scowled. She had two tickets for that. She had been planning on surprising Chloe with the second.

Soooo whatever, she could go stag.

Fuck it.

Or, you know, she could just call her and see how she was...and invite her.

“Damnit! Fuck!” Except no she couldn’t because this was the point. She felt her lip quiver and spun. Nope. She wasn’t going to cry. She had shit to do. She pitched the cigarette and all but ran back inside, fleeing from the stupid emotions.

She shoved her headphones on and glared at the screen until that little tinkling song came up.

She worked tirelessly. She had no idea how long she had been working, assuming Emily would interrupt her when she got there, only when she felt a hand touch her shoulder she turned to find an unfamiliar woman standing behind her.

“Oh crap!” The words had popped out of Beca’s mouth before she gave them permission. She glanced at the clock and,  _ fffffuuuuuuck, _ Flashlight hadn’t come in. She hadn’t shown up. Fuck, she just hadn’t fucking shown up! Oh my god, she was going to  _ kill  _ her.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you too.” The woman blinked a few times, caught off guard and uncomfortable.

“Err, right, yeah, sorry.” Beca rose, “Are you Kendra’s handler?” Right, cuz getting a name...and remembering that name...that had been something she had done. Yup. Totally. Absolutely.

Crap.

The woman’s long lashes swept her face as she blinked and Beca realized with a kind of dumb shock that she was gorgeous. “Elle Kweon.”

“Hi, I’m sorry about that. I was a little caught up, err, anyway, hi, Beca Mitchell.”

Elle gave her a small nod and released her hand, stepping away to study the only decoration that Beca had up at the moment, the haphazardly hung Bellas photo, “I hope you don’t mind that I let myself in, I called from the lobby but no one answered.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, the studio is still new. An assistant will start manning the desk in January though, maybe I should have locked the door so that – you know what – never mind – anyway.”

“You don’t have an assistant now?”

“Oh I do, but - you know what, let’s just say it’s a complicated answer.” She clapped her hands together awkwardly, cracking her knuckles.

What the fuck was wrong with her right now?

Elle studied her for a moment and Beca could see that the woman wasn’t sure if Beca was slightly crazy or just possibly somewhat unstable.

Well.

To be fair, either of those could be true.

But then a small smile broke across the woman’s face.

Awesome. She hadn’t blown it with her weird.

Blown what? She didn’t know.

“You don’t have any clients today?”

“I do.” Beca gave a nod, “Later.”

She nodded again, her look changing, “And decoration? Is that not something that is important to you?”

Beca’s eyebrow popped - wait, was she  _ flirting _ with her? That was the flirting tone, right? That was totally flirty?

“Well, you know, I don’t want to  _ distract _ from the artist’s sheer talent or the music with things like cheesy IKEA prints and potted plants.”

This time Elle laughed, “A potted plant or two could be nice, I think.”

“Yeah, but then I’d have to do things like water it and I’m pretty good at killing things like that. I was considering a really big fish tank for a minute but that just seemed too much like the kind of place where you could record an album, score some cocaine and possibly do your laundry all at once. Like some swinger pad from the 70’s.”

Elle laughed again, her smile staying this time, giving Beca a small but interested - definitely interested once over, “You’re funny.”

Beca sighed, that had been kind of fun for a moment but... “Thanks. Um, yeah I  _ am _ going to decorate, I just haven’t gotten around to it yet. Soon, I’ll probably spend next week doing that.”

“Isn’t next week Christmas?”

She paused, yeah, it was Christmas but that didn’t matter much to her. Her father and Sheila had been emailing, asking her to come back to Georgia for the holiday but she thought she would pass. And Henderson…

“Not going home for the holidays?”

“Nah, not this year.”

Elle nodded, “Me neither.”

“Wait,  _ going home?  _ How do you know I’m not from here?”

Elle gave her a smug little glance, “Google was a wonderful invention.”

Beca’s mouth popped open and then closed as she did a very decent impression of a fish on dry land. What did she say to that? You  _ googled  _ me? That always sounded so dirty. “Wait, I’m on Google?”

“Mmm.”

She frowned, “Riiiight, so  _ anyway _ .” Her hands went to her hips, trying to shake off - that, “Kendra.”

“Yes, right.” Elle’s shoulder-length hair flipped as she turned and she took a second to run her hand over it, pushing it back into perfect order.

She was so freaking put together that it it was kind of intimidating.

Beca made coffee in the brand new coffee maker and they sat on the only couch in the place, making Beca realize she needed to get the rest of the place furnished – like yesterday. This was too my first college apartment. They spent awhile talking about the official business that Elle was there to discuss; Kendra’s sublet, her schedule and so on, finding that their topics strayed easily.

“For the most part I don’t have a lot of work to do with Kendra, not anymore, not since she joined A.A. I think my primary function is to simply be here if she needs anything and if anything goes awry.”

“Right, yeah, totally. I mean, I think things are going to be pretty chill here. This isn’t exactly my first time at the rodeo so I don’t think either of you need to be concerned.”

Hope showed up an hour later and to Beca’s amused surprise, Elle asked to stay.

“No reason,” Elle shrugged when Beca gave her a questioning stare, “Just curious.” Though Elle’s face stayed appraising, somehow Beca could almost feel a wink there.

Okay  _ that _ had definitely been flirty.

It made Beca get all awkward, blinking like she was staring into the sun. She turned to Hope and her father, Heck. He just shrugged but Hope looked at Elle a bit like she thought she would eat her.

Hmmm.

Hope was so difficult because she was so young, so, as she always did she channeled her inner Chloe, “Sweetie, if you would rather our first session be in private then that’s totally cool.” She gave her arm a quick rub, proud of herself for pulling it off.

“No, that’s- that’s okay.”

“I promise not to bite.” Elle insisted with a slightly warmer smile. Still, despite the fact that she was trying to be kinder, Hope only looked at the statuesque woman with growing apprehension.

“You good?”

Hope gave her a small nod.

“Sweet. Then get your behind in the booth and we’ll work some magic, okay?”

Hope gave her a smile, “‘Kay.”

“Yeah?” She teasingly poked at her side and Hope squirmed, her smile growing.

“Yeah.”

“Awesome.” She gave her a high five. “Let’s do this.”

She kind of had no idea how the hell Hope was going to do any concerts, let alone a necessary album tour but, thank god, that wasn’t her job to figure out.

She had never met a singer who was so shy; usually exuberance just kind of came with the territory. Even Emily, who had been the shyest singer she had known at one point, could still and would belt it out pretty much for anyone from day one. I mean, from what she had heard, her audition had literally been all of the Bellas staring at her in their living room. Granted, they had been pre-gaming pretty hard. It had actually been kind of amazing that Emily had turned out to be good at all given the state her girls had been in.

Hope was kind of an awesome kid though and, man, could that girl sing! She wondered if her parents really knew just how talented their kid was.

She felt herself scowl as her mind drifted to Willa. She was going to be talented too. There was no way she wouldn’t be when she was being raised by Chloe.

Aaaaaanyway.

The session went well.

She went in such baby steps with Hope that yeah, they recorded a few songs but mostly it was about getting Hope to feel comfortable. She had done well because Hope was grinning when she left and she kind of gave herself a pat on the back for that.

“That was really enjoyable to watch. I see why Kendra speaks so highly of you. You’re very good with children.”

Beca let out an awkwardly dry laugh. Okay, this really needed to stop being something she was known for. She really didn’t have two spare thoughts to join together about kids. Really. She didn’t. She swore she didn’t.

“So I was wondering,” Elle was just pulling on her long, professionally tailored black pea coat that looked so much more like New York than L.A., “would you like to get a drink? I’ve only just arrived into town myself and I don’t know anywhere to go. A drink could -” she smiled, “do me good.”

“Uh, sure.” Beca frowned, her stomach going a little grumbly. She was pretty sure she could use one as well. But did that mean she wanted a  _ drink  _ or did that mean she should gear up for a night at The Royal? “What are you in the mood for?” She asked as she clicked off the lights and pulled on her own jacket.

This was weird. This felt weird. She wasn’t sure why. It was just drinks. Whatever. She did this like, all of the freaking time. So what the hell?

“I don’t know. Do you know of anywhere that makes a good Manhattan?”

“Aaaahhh, a Manhattan, really? Cliché much?”

“Just showing my pride for my home city, I suppose. Then again,” Elle’s deep eyes poured into hers, “have you ever  _ had _ a really  _ good  _ Manhattan?”

Beca’s throat went dry and she frowned, sure that Elle was no longer talking about the drink. Okay so yes, flirting - was happening – now. She gaped and tried to scrape words from the sandy depths of her larynx. Come on. She tried to click into her smug, coy producer side but it was like she was turning over the engine and only getting a harsh cranking sound.

“It’s a good drink.” Elle continued, “It can change your life. At least for a night anyway.”

She wasn’t sure exactly how she felt about this.

“That’s – that’s a lot of pressure to put on a drink.” Beca laughed, awkwardly and inwardly smashed her palm against her forehead.

Great.

Smooth.

You gots game, kid.

“Shall I follow you then?” Elle threw over her shoulder, already heading to a car that looked far too perfectly kept to be real.

“Yup,” Beca popped the P, “follow my lead.”

“Yes ma’am.” Elle gave her a nod.

Beca lit a cigarette as soon as she was in the car, giving herself a few seconds to freak the fuck out.

It wasn’t a big deal, she knew that. Everyone flirted with everyone in L.A. But damn!

She took a deep drag, seeing Elle in the car behind her, waiting.

Okay.

Get your shit together.

She took Elle, not to The Royal, but to a small cocktail bar she had been to a few times.

“I like this place,” Elle said casually as they stepped inside.

“Yeah, it has a nice vibe.” The place was small, dark, good for dates and awkward business drinks with flirty women she barely knew.

They took the table they were offered and settled in.

“So, Kendra told me that you and she have some history together before the opening of Grasshopper but thus far she hasn’t filled me in.”

“Errr, yeah, we kind of do. In college, I was captain of my school’s a cappella team.”

“A capella? Like a Glee club? People do that? I always thought that was just for tween TV shows.”

The laugh that Beca gave was loud, “I’m sorry, but yeah, I know. I was surprised at first too but it turns out, kinda crazy, there’s this whole freaking world of a capella out there. Anyway, our team won a few titles and when I began my first internship - and was offered a chance to have the producer of the company listen to a demo - I partnered with one of the girls to produce ‘Flashlight’.”

“Wait, you produced ‘Flashlight’?” Elle frowned as she took her drink, “Please tell me how it is that I did not know that.”

Beca shrugged, “It was Emily and I. Emily is,” she cleared her throat, “a client now.”

“Emily - not ‘Emily Elliott’?”

Beca nodded, amused as she always was by Emily’s taken name. “Yeah, she was the Bella captain after me. We overlapped by a year. She’s a good friend, I’m in the process now of recording her next album.” Well. Maybe.

Elle sipped from her drink, eyeing Beca, “Hmmm, I was under the impression that you were a bit of a no-name but clearly, I underestimated you.”

Beca chuckled, giving her the best coy smirk she could muster, “Well you’re right and you’re wrong,” she said with a shrug.

“So what do you do, Beca-Mitchell-creator-of-’Flashlight’-”

“Co-creator. Em wrote it, I produced it.”

“Alright. Co-creator of ‘Flashlight’, what do you do in your spare time?”

“Not a lot, honestly. I don’t really have a lot of hobbies outside of music. I have a weird thing for episodes of American Ninja Warrior, does that count?”

“Oh it definitely does. I’ve only seen a few clips from that show but it’s enthralling.”

“Right? I’m always torn between wanting them to fall because I could never do anything like that and being impressed with their crazy spider monkey abilities. I’m also about 90% sure that all of the contestants are actually aliens so that does help me feel better as I’m watching it from the safety of my couch with my bag of potato chips.”

Elle laughed for a long while before she asked, “Have you thought about getting back into the world of a capella?”

“Little bit,” she admitted, “Hope seems to have a big interest so we might talk about some of that.”

Elle nodded.

“What about you? What do you do outside of work?” That was something she should ask, right? That was personable and professional...

“Oh nothing too special, I guess. I like to read. I have a dog.”

“Awe, really? What’s its name?” Beca loved dogs but she wasn’t home enough to have one right now.

“Howie.” Elle pulled out her phone and showed Beca a picture of a happy looking Lab.

“Cute.”

They went through a lot of topics that way, slowly, easily meandering over the typical things; L.A., Emily, Kendra, Grasshopper.

It wasn’t until the afternoon was turning to dinner time that Elle, who was on her third Manhattan, finally asked, “So. Are you seeing anyone?”

Beca blinked, her mouth falling open. Elle had been hinting around it for about an hour, not really asking, but making her point. Apparently Elle had gotten tired of Beca pretending she hadn’t understood. She wasn’t sure how well she was responding to the flirting, she was usually pretty damn good at that but she felt a little rusty.

She smirked, god that was a complicated question, wasn’t it? “No, I’m not.”

“I see.” Beca felt herself smile at Elle’s obvious pleasure. “Well then, would you like to come out with me at some point soon?”

Beca clicked on a grin because that felt like the right thing to do. She felt - stuck - oh god, what did she say? “Aren’t we out now?” Okay, that was bad. Bad job with that.

“Perhaps I’m old fashioned but I like the people I’m dating to know that they are on a date with me.”

Beca felt her cheeks flush, pleased with Elle’s general forwardness. Still - she opened her mouth - how did she explain? What the fuck did she say? She couldn’t think of anything, not even something witty and dry.

Elle had seen her hesitate, though. She watched as Elle slipped off of the stool, “I have to get going, I have a dinner meeting. Think about it. I’ll ask again.”

She watched Elle put down enough money on the table to clearly cover the visit and then, with another appraising once over, she was gone.

Beca just stared after her.

Shit.

 

She didn’t go home that night. Instead, she bought a bottle of whiskey and spent the evening on her studio couch, staring up and the ceiling, drinking, and thinking.

Why not? Why couldn’t she?

There was no reason why she couldn’t go out with someone who was actually interested in her. There was no reason.

Chloe…

Well, she had sure made herself clear, hadn’t she?

So why did she feel like garbage right now?

She woke early the next day and finally packed up her things. She stowed the blanket and pillow in a closet, sure she would need them again someday - probably soon - and then got into her car, smoking a cigarette. She  _ had _ to go home tonight. She wouldn’t even be at the studio, she had this stupid fashion show thing. She would literally have to drive way out of her way to avoid going home. And that was dumb.

_ She _ was dumb.

She had put Chloe’s number on ‘Do Not Disturb’ again yesterday which – yeah – that had felt a little petty. She just – she didn’t know what to say – she didn’t have anything to say and so it was easier not to hear the notifications when the messages came in. It wasn’t meant to be forever, just while she was so busy, still the lack of sound had meant her phone had fallen to the wayside, forgotten until that morning.

It was kind of intimidating to see all of Chloe’s messages for the day all at once like that. There had been - a lot. She was right, the tides were turning toward twitchy.

She wondered as she drove if maybe ghosting away was a bad idea. She had kind of done that before. Maybe she just needed to be honest with her.

Maybe they just needed to go back to being just friends.

That would take the pressure off, right?

The condo was silent when she got there but she hadn’t expected anything else.

She knew the first thing she was going to do anyway, though.

She knocked on the door of Emily’s room. “Hey Em, I need to talk to you.”

Silence.

“Em!”

Silence.

“Emily! Come on dude! This is stupid.” She tried the door and it was unlocked. “Flashlight. Wake up.”

Emily groaned, rolling into her pillows and covering her head. “Oh my gosh, I’m sleeeeping, Beca! Privacy! Go away!”

Fine.

God.

Ugh.

Whatever.

She closed the door a little harder than she meant to, inwardly fuming. Emily had felt like a little sister pretty much always. Right now was the first time she felt like a little sister because she wanted to smack her around.

She could almost hear Chloe’s voice in her head telling her that she could only do as much for Emily as Emily would allow, but still! This album was a big deal, kind of. What the hell was her problem?

Okay, so maybe that was the wrong way to think because Emily actually  _ had  _ a problem but seriously…what the fuck should she do?

She groaned as she stomped from Emily’s room to her own.

The show was late afternoon which meant that she didn’t have as much time as she wanted. Well, there would never be enough time because she so wasn’t psyched. She never was because these things were awkward and weird as hell. Like, for example, she knew this was the kind of black tie event where she probably should have had someone there to dress her, do her makeup and all of that - or at least the kind where she could have...if she had been that kind of girl. She probably would have done that had Chloe joined her but instead she just said fuck it. The year before P.J. had insisted she invest in some legitimate formal attire, so she had gone out and bought a suit, a sleek, form fitting, sexy number and an equally smooth and sultry dress. They got the job done; it wasn’t like she went to these things all of the time and it wasn’t like when she was there anyone paid attention to her anyway. She could sneak by in the same outfit as the last event because she was kind of a nobody, which, while she wanted to put her label on the map, she was kind of okay _ not _ having to do that thing she saw so many ‘celebrities’ doing, sitting for hours on end and answering questions.

No thanks.

So she pulled on her blazer and skinny slacks, giving up her comfortable shoes for the night in favor of heels and grumbling all along. She knew that P.J. had asked her to go to this thing for him, she knew that it was a great idea to start putting the name of ‘Grasshopper Recordings’ out there but fuck! She hated these events. She didn’t know anything about fashion and she  _ really  _ didn’t get why a music producer needed to go to a freaking  _ fashion show  _ anyway _.  _ Okay, okay, okay, yeah, it was for a good cause but this just wasn’t her thing at all.

The night, yeah, it was going to blow.

Maybe she could go, show up, smile at a few people, network with the other producers and artists that would be there and then go home before the show even started. She could be back on her couch and in her pajamas by seven.

It wasn’t until she was getting out of her car, listening to the people shouting the names of those that they wanted to speak to, that she realized that if she had been smart she would have kicked Emily’s drunken ass and made her come with her.

She started from the valet with apprehension, seeing, as always, that there was a line of flashing bulbs just inside the gate of the closed off event. This was always a thing, people waiting to catch photos of the celebrities and models that would be coming through. It was very much a take the photo first and then see if the person was anyone worth knowing later. The photos of her had never made it out of the developing room. Still, it was awkward. She stepped through the gate, letting her hand be stamped and then paused. The lights flashed like mini punches to her corneas as she smiled her wry I-hate-this smirk.

Okay, one, two, three…

Ten seconds, she stood there for ten seconds, counting every one of them down and waiting until she could run, moving from their line of sight as quickly as possible.

“Ms. Mitchell!”

Beca jumped as she stepped from the front entryway and into the main plaza.

Ms. Mitchell? Really? Ms. Mitchell?

The title always gave her PTSD flashbacks to trying to explain to the media about the awkward MuffGate situation. She didn’t exactly get a lot of ‘Ms. Mitchell’ in her current line of work.

She glanced around and caught sight of who was calling her.

Uuuuummmm….

There was a small grouping of four people just inside, all looking exuberantly excited.

“Is it true that you’re branching out from the ‘Paul John’ umbrella and opening your own label?” A man called the moment that Beca made eye contact with him.

_ What? _

She had seen P.J. speak to the press before, and she knew that the others - the ‘real celebrities’ were surrounded, swimming in a sea of them but still, this small group - she had no idea how to handle that. But she kind of had to – because if that rumor began to circulate then she was going to be in a massive amount of trouble.

“Is it true that the first album being released will be a follow up from your last big hit with the artist ‘Kendra’? You were up for a Grammy nomination for Best R&B Song not long ago and you lost to Paul John, is that why you’re going solo?”

Fuuuck, all of that was bad.

She swallowed thickly and clicked on her best producer smile, giving it all her charm as she answered, “To be fair, I wasn’t even  _ nominated.  _ Basically I was up for a nomination to be nominated, but I’ll get there! Just wait! And yeah, P.J. lost too, but the song that won that year was amazing! I mean, did you hear it? Absolutely awesome. You know, it was just - it was everything that we aspire to be as artists. It was strong; it was heartfelt and so beautiful. So yeah, as much as I can’t wait for it to be my turn, that song deserved it. And to answer your earlier question, no and yes. I’m starting my own label, it’s true, ‘Grasshopper Recordings’ should be up and running early next year but it  _ is  _ still under the ‘Paul John’ umbrella. Don’t get me in trouble, dude, Paul John Montgomery signs my paychecks and is a good friend of mine.”

The group laughed and, despite herself, Beca felt a swell of pride. Holy crap, dude, she was talking to the media, which yeah totally, she had done that before but this time it wasn’t about Barden or about a Bellas title, it was about  _ music _ . Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit! This was awesome!

 

Two hours later though, she was exhausted and fucking frazzled.

No one had warned her. Like at all.

P.J. hadn’t told her that by opening this label she had - she had put herself on the map - or at least people saw that she was  _ trying _ to put herself on the map.

People wanted to talk to her. And yeah, about half of what they wanted to talk about was P.J. but still - twice someone had come up to her and asked her to produce their next album.

She was so confused.

She fucking  _ loved  _ it.

Only once before had she received this type of attention and that was when she had decided to jump out of the closet. It had been all LGBTQ+ based magazines that had wanted to speak to her, then. Yeah, these ones that had just questioned her were all small fry groups, blogs, and magazines but she didn’t even fucking care. Holy shit.

Were they crazy?

God, she wished Chloe had been here to see it.

She found the bar and she leaned against it with a sigh.

It was cool, but she needed a drink. And a date. She wished she had a date. Chloe should have been here with her and yeah, if she had asked, Chloe would have been there with her but - she frowned, her stomach turning to water as she imagined how that would go. She had just spent two hours being drilled from every angle about ‘Flashlight’, about Emily, about Moment One, Grasshopper and everything she was currently producing - but she had also been grilled about her love life, her holiday plans, her family, and strange things like her favorite movie, favorite wine, beer, and so on. Apparently nothing was off limits when it came to her personal life. She could only imagine what would have happened if she had a pregnant woman on her arm. Yeah, that would have sucked. She could see the tabloid headline now, ‘Music Producer Expecting First Child with Long Time Partner and Former Co-Captain’.

Not that there would be any tabloid article about her.

God.

Maybe Chloe was right.

Maybe this - maybe this just couldn’t happen.

She let out a dark laugh to no one when she thought about what Chloe would have done in that situation. How many times would she have denied their relationship?

Correction: ‘Music Producer Appears at ‘Paint It Red’ Fashion Show Ambiguously Paired With Pregnant Redhead Who Denies Any Relationship’.

That - yeah - awesome - just - freaking awesome. Yeah.

“You look like someone just struck you over the head with a club.”

Beca turned fast, surprised, “Uh, yeah, last time I came to something like this I pretty much stayed for an hour, had a few free drinks and then left. Oh! Errr, thanks.” She took the whiskey neat that Elle was handing her. “Dude, I had no freaking idea. I really wish now that I had put some effort into what I’m wearing or, anything about my appearance really. What if Grasshopper sucks? What if we only release like one single this year and it just tanks? They all seemed so excited to freaking talk to me.”

“Being Paul John’s wingman is quite a big deal, isn’t it?”

“Yeeeaaah, maybe, except I’ve been working with P.J., working  _ for  _ P.J. since I left school and this has literally never happened!”

Elle chuckled, “It’s kind of amazing...”

“What is?” Beca asked glancing around. She had stayed with the group of bloggers and writers long enough that the show had started, maybe she could slip out of the door and go home...or back to the studio, for some reason she couldn’t stop thinking about that little song she had been working on. It was swirling around her head like crazy. It wouldn’t stop. She felt – inspired, maybe? Something like that. She felt - uuuuuuuuaaaaaaaah - she felt like she was on fire right now!

“Seeing the beginning.” Elle finished with a small shrug.

That stopped Beca in her tracks, a grin catching. “Wow, that was freaking smooth, dude.”

“Thank you very much.” Elle gave her a small head incline. “How did it work?”

“Pretty well, I’m all -” Beca pretended to shiver, “I dunno, warm and fuzzy inside.”

Elle chuckled, “How about this one?” She stepped closer, just into her personal space and Beca blinked, not sure how she felt about that at all, “Watching you sell yourself to the reporters like that was pretty hot. And. I  _ really _ like that suit.” She watched Elle run her finger down the lapel of her suit and cleared her throat.

Shit - really um - what?

She had to hand it to her, this chic was charming. And...bold. Whoa, Jesus.

“Do you need another?”

Beca blinked, “What?”

“Your drink.”

Beca’s eyes darted down to her own glass, surprised to see it was empty.

“Uh, sure?”

“Alright then.”

Elle turned, taking the glass from her hand and stepping back to the bar.

Jesus. Beca shook her head and grabbed her phone, just to check the time, thinking that yeah, maybe taking off was something she should do because this chic - seemed to want her bones - and -

_ And what? _ Was that  _ bad _ ? Oh no, Beca, someone might actually want to legitimately date you. Watch out.

She frowned down at her phone; she only had one text message from Chloe and no missed calls. That - couldn’t be good.

Or maybe that was the very freaking definition of good?

I dunno, maybe?

“I just saw you on the internet. How crazy is that? Either my phone knows that I Google you...often ;) or you’re famous, baby. PS, can you come over before you take off that suit?”

Beca stared at the text, seeing in it the playful air that Chloe was working so hard to give it. She laughed - at first - enjoying the suggestion, enjoying the little winky face - enjoying the thoughts of what could happen if she headed over to Chloe’s place - and then, as she stared at her phone, her laughter slowly began to die.

It wasn’t funny.

She stared at it until the words lost their meaning, turning into alien shapes and squiggles and the desolate pain coursing through her became bearable again. It was so hard not to think of the look on the nurse’s face, or how it felt sitting in the waiting room. Even though she didn’t want to she remembered so often these days how it had felt the moment that Chloe had told her future boss that yes, Beca was her girlfriend - even though Beca knew she hadn’t meant it.

See. This was why Chloe had been put on ‘Do Not Disturb’.

She wanted to run over there. Like now. That was what made her hate herself. She wanted to drop everything and run over there, knowing that Chloe would rip her suit off with her teeth and then fuck the shit out of her. She knew that they would laugh and tease and these terrible feelings would go away for a little while, that they would go back to hiding, buried under their affection for the other, and she would feel normal again.

It wouldn’t be until after, when she was leaving and nothing had changed that she would feel worse.

She put the phone back into her pocket.

Did Chloe think that more sex would really solve their problems? Yeah, Chloe - she needed that physical connection, she had already picked that up. It was just like before, when Chloe had needed to cuddle her, just like when she needed to hug a crying friend. Chloe’s love - it was a physical thing.

She frowned, a scoff slipping past her lips without her permission.

_ Chloe’s love. _

Yikes.

Elle gave her a strange side glance.

“Err, nothing. I uh,” she shifted and just let the sentence fall off.

“Well now that you have satisfied the press and all of their questions-” Beca scoffed again and rolled her eyes, taking the new drink, “have you considered answering mine?”

“Hmm?” Why did attention from Elle just turn her into a totally useless zombie? Was it Elle or would any attention from the fairer sex do this to her? The hell was wrong with her? She had never been great at the whole girl – thing – and the flirting – or the dating – she tended to get by with people who thought her awkwardness was attractive – unless she was drinking – drinking made everything different – she had also developed that producer persona thing – but – all of that aside, she really should be handling this better.

Maybe if she didn’t feel like she was doing something wrong then…

“Come out with me.”

“Oh.” Beca took a long sip, her heart picking up to a gallop.

Fuck,fuck,fuck,fuck.

Elle sipped from her tumbler, flipping her hair again as she leaned casually against the bar, “So who’s the girl?”

“What?” Beca jumped.

“The girl that’s making you hesitate.”

“Errr, there isn’t one - a girl - that’s kind of the problem.” She wanted to laugh because, god, that was true wasn’t it. There wasn’t a girl.

“Would you like one?”

Whooaaaaaaaokaaaaayyy!JesusChristdude! She scowled, surprised and a little scandalized. She had just - put that shit out there, hadn’t she? “Um.”

Guilt gnawed at her stomach. She frowned, about to insist NO, she was - she was fucking taken - only - she hesitated.

But she wasn’t taken.

That was it.

_ Who _ had claimed her?

Yes, someone had her heart - which - ugh - but wasn’t the whole sad reality of this that maybe Chloe had her heart but…she didn’t totally want it? Wasn’t the  _ problem  _ that Chloe had her heart?

Things had to change, right? Wasn’t that the point? Wasn’t that why she was hiding away like this? Wasn’t that why she was ignoring the messages and not going running to Chloe so she could rip her suit off of her?

And - it felt good to be wanted, right? Yeah, Chloe would have flirted with her just as openly if she were there but with Chloe - there was a cap. She still would have insisted to those reporters that no, she wasn’t Beca’s partner...and even if she hadn’t - Beca still would have known that Chloe thought that. There was a distance that Beca couldn’t cross - a denial that Chloe wouldn’t give up.

But… that little voice in the back of her head spoke up; Chloe had said  _ ‘for now and not never’ _ \- which implied that one day she might be willing... and Beca had to fight hard not to laugh because...really? I mean…really? So how long? How long was she going to pine for more?

Maybe dating was exactly what she needed to do; maybe that was totally exactly what she needed to do.

Something casual, fun, something - normal…

When was the last time that she had… _ dated _ ...like really dated...like any other normal person?

It had been...a long time.

And Elle was a good choice.

Beca studied her as her mind worked. She really was beautiful; her features were gently angled, her almond eyes were large and a rich shade of brown, her raven hair was cut perfectly to hug her jaw - yeah, she was gorgeous. It was clear that under her obviously expensive and professionally cut tank top and pencil skirt she would be 5 feet 7 inches of toned, beautiful olive skin - and not just that, but Beca had a feeling that if she tried for just a few minutes that beautiful body would be available to her.

But - maybe she was biased because though she was staring up into Elle’s face, her mind was four years or so into the past. She was thinking about sitting in front of the Bellas watching a run through of their World Championship performance. No, that hadn’t been what she was doing. She had been trying to do that, looking for any final flaws before they got on the plane the next day. Instead what she had actually been doing was watching the way Chloe’s hair bounced around her as she jumped and rocked. As a matter of fact just then she had a thick strand of it caught across her face but she was trying not to break the scene, not to draw her eye. Beca laughed, watching her shake her head, trying to get it to fly loose but it apparently liked Chloe’s face about as much as Beca did because it wouldn’t go. She saw Chloe giggle, giving her head and extra fling as she smacked her hips to tease the audience and Beca’s chest gave an extra tight whap. Jesus. And then Chloe had noticed her watching and gave her a giant wink as her body slunk from one side with Cynthia Rose to the other.

Beca had nearly fallen out of her chair.

Elle gave her a small uncertain smile, clearly she had no idea what to do with Beca’s long hesitation, or with the fact that Beca was standing in front of her with her mouth hanging open and a blank look on her face.

The thing was Chloe - she - it was just that - she didn’t know. Was it that Chloe was exceptional physically? Was it that she was  _ more _ beautiful than any other woman, was it that she knew how to move her body better, was it that her dancing could be equated to a siren song?

Or was it just that Beca had been crazy about her since she was a teenager?

Yes, Chloe was beautiful, her chin, her cheekbones, her hair, her  _ eyes _ ; yeah, she was totally gorgeous...but it was more than that...

She thought of Chloe in the mornings, the time when she usually looked her worst; only she  _ didn’t _ , not to Beca. She remembered all the mornings in college of her coming down the stairs, one side of her face still riddled with pillow lines, her eyes groggy. Her hair was always especially frizzy and wild, which usually meant that it was pulled back into a large, fluffy ponytail or knot. She always came down just after Beca and therefore Beca was always the first person she laid eyes on. More often than not Beca would be sitting with a cup of coffee and Chloe, still rubbing her face, would reach over and take it from her and sloppily kiss her cheek. It became Beca’s favorite morning routine. She had even begun setting her alarm a few minutes earlier every morning just so she wouldn’t miss it. She had gone as far as preparing two cups instead of one every day. She didn’t give Chloe the second, that would have defeated the point. Instead she just waited for Chloe to take hers, feeling a little thrill when she watched Chloe sip from it just over where her own lips had been, her heart pounding as Chloe came in for the kiss. It was the best torture because Chloe was barely awake so sometimes she would half fall over as she kissed her ear but sometimes, often even, she would lean over with eyes mostly closed and she would accidentally kiss the side of her lips. Whenever that happened Chloe would always giggle and make some joke.

It had become Beca’s favorite moment of the day.

Then Chloe would give her a sleepy wink and she would sit down next to her, or if she was really tired she would just rest against her and Beca would wrap her arms around her, the spot where her lips had just been still tingling.

That...that had always been when Chloe was the most beautiful.

This wasn’t fair.

She thought of the mornings that had come after they had begun their - whatever it could be called - their - situation - thing. The routine had been different only because Chloe had been getting up first. Beca felt her chest tighten as she remembered every cup of coffee. Though she had been pregnant - though she was usually mid-yoga - Chloe had made her a cup of coffee almost every morning, a small reminder of their college routine. Only this time instead of the sloppy morning kisses, it had turned into real - good - morning kisses - sometimes more.

And Chloe was throwing it away. She was just - she was freaking throwing it away.

Like it meant fucking nothing.

“Are you alright?”

Beca jumped, swearing. Were her eyes watering? Fuck. Okay, no, but it was a near miss. Fuck. “Yeah, I’m good.”

God! When had this become her? When had she become this person? The one that sat here pining, thinking about a woman who didn’t want her? Who couldn’t give her what she needed?

But what’s more...she had never been sure of anything - she had always kind of thought that she sucked… And yeah, she had some good qualities, she didn’t think she was garbage or anything - she could be pretty - she had rocked the Bella world and she was pretty good at her job. She knew all of these things about herself. But she had never - ever - thought that maybe - no - she had never been  _ confident _ about a romantic relationship. Well no, she had known that she had come out on top with Hunny, she had been confident that Hunny was lucky to be with her - and she had been able to believe that Jesse was really into her - but Chloe - she had never been confident about Chloe, not outside of the facts: Chloe was her best friend - she was Chloe’s best friend - and Chloe loved her in  _ that _ way.

But that was - when had - she hadn’t seen it happening, didn’t realize it had -

How was she suddenly sure?

Chloe - she was so high above Beca, she was so much more than Beca could ever be, so much better, so much more - everything. She didn’t belong with Chloe, someone better belonged with her.

So why did she  _ know _ that Chloe loved her and - Chloe was denying it.

When had that happened?

She didn’t  _ know _ things like that.

But...she did.

Suddenly she realized that she had known this for a long time.

Because it had been true for a long time.

It was almost as though the more Chloe denied this obvious and totally not arguable thing the more that Beca settled into this certainty; Chloe’s obstinance triggering Beca’s own.

Chloe freaking loved her.

Maybe she had loved her since before Nick.

Maybe - fuck, maybe  _ they _ had been in love since college.

The fuck was happening in her mind right now?

It was like she was suddenly seeing the sun for the first time.

She knew she was right.

Chloe was trying to say that the sky wasn’t blue -

The whole point - the whole point of  _ all of this _ was Chloe loved her - and she loved Chloe - that was - that was a fact.

That was why she was so upset. Because this was true...and Chloe was denying them this.

Well. Maybe she didn’t know. Maybe she was wrong. But she was pretty sure.

Maybe she didn’t love her, but Chloe was capable of loving her...she felt something close...something more than best friend affection or the affection you have for a casual but steady lover. She remembered the morning of Chloe’s hospital visit, when Chloe had held her and begged her to come back to her, when she had said her name over and over again with such reverence.

Yeah, she was pretty sure she knew this.

And yeah, Chloe had asked her to tell her, she had asked her to be honest and maybe she hadn’t been but...

But...the sun clouded over as she realized that maybe it didn’t really matter. None of this mattered. 

She hadn’t been honest. 

And Chloe loved her.

But.

The sky could be blue - but if you were the only one that knew it - the only one that was  _ willing to admit _ it - then the sky might as well be green, or purple or white.

Chloe loved her - maybe ... kinda... But she didn’t want to be with her.

So it didn’t matter.

_ She didn’t want to be with her. _

And _ that _ ...that was the real point here.

A strange, cooling calm slowly began to move through her limbs, this surety, she knew this and therefore suddenly she knew what she needed to do. There wouldn’t be any more tears, because this - just had to happen. Again. She had felt this before, only once, it was the feeling that had pushed Beca to do the single hardest thing she had ever done. The thing that she was going to have to do again.

She took a deep breath and smiled at Elle, “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

She would have to tell Chloe, that was only fair, but she had a feeling that it would make things better. Not at first, hell no. Chloe had never liked it when other kids played with her toys but she would survive and in the end, maybe this was the key to - she didn’t know - to making it better.

Plus it wasn’t as though Chloe could be upset. Chloe was always saying that they weren’t dating, she said it to everyone who asked, she said it all the time, she was a fucking broken record.

Maybe this is what she needed to do.

She could see that Elle was surprised, Beca’s pause hadn’t been long but it had been long enough that Elle was probably expecting a rejection.

“Okay.” Elle smiled and a touch of pink tinged her cheeks, “Great. You said you don’t have Christmas plans. Come with me to a Christmas Eve party.”

“Uh, yeah, I can do that.”

“Alright.”

And just like that Beca had a date.

...Which made her feel better...and so much worse.

 

****

 

It had been seven days.  _ Seven  _ days and the only way she had seen Beca, heard her voice, was when her phone had presented her with the real time informal interview she had been doing the night before. Apparently, she had googled the name ‘Beca Mitchell’ enough over the years that her phone thought that was something she would like - which, yeah, she had. Beca had looked amazing in her outfit, mouthwatering even, but what had gotten to Chloe as she watched Beca answer a few questions was the look in her eyes, the shock and school-girl like glee under the calm confidence. She would be willing to put money on the idea that Beca hadn’t anticipated being questioned at all.

She was so proud of her. She was so proud that she wasn’t sure she could keep it in. She wasn’t sure that it wouldn’t just explode from her at random intervals. She was so proud that it was a physical ache in her chest.

And she missed her - so fucking much.

She had been missing her for a long time now. It had taken her disappearing for a few days to realize that she had felt as though she and Beca hadn’t been  _ she and Beca _ for a while, not steadily anyway. She couldn’t even say when that started, but her gut thought that maybe it had started  _ long  _ before she had even moved out of the condo.

She knew things were bad - and not the ‘we’re-having-a-silly-fight’ kind of bad, but honestly bad. They had been bad before - and she had made them so, so much worse at the hospital.

She was thankful that Aubrey had been in town, she was thankful that Aubrey had been there or else Chloe knew she would be on a very different level of freak out by now. Aubrey had distracted her and she was grateful.

Because she was so upset. She had been upset. She  _ was _ upset.

She was terrified.

Aubrey had been openly surprised when none of their plans had involved Beca and she had pried a little. Perhaps she had sensed danger from Chloe though, because she had never pushed her for more. Chloe loved Aubrey, she was so thankful for her in her life. Her best friend had simply been a little more attentive, a little more caring and a lot more physically affectionate. That was all. Aubrey was amazing.

She never mentioned it and Chloe was glad because, well, Chloe couldn’t talk to Aubrey about this.

It wasn’t like before; she wasn’t simply keeping this from her because she was afraid. Chloe had spent the two days she was here laughing and grinning, covering her worry and not talking about it because this was exactly what Aubrey was always saying. This was what Aubrey always insisted would happen and Chloe couldn’t stand to hear Aubrey say ‘I told you so’.

This was different. Chloe had fucked up. God, she knew she had really fucked up.

She had known it at the hospital; she had seen Beca’s face just before the metal doors closed. She wished she could  _ forget _ it.

It had just been a bad moment.

She had just been scared.

She hadn’t meant it the way it had sounded, not at all. She had only been frustrated for a moment, just one silly little moment. She knew the question was beginning to cause problems for them and they were getting it on some scale every day.

She had snapped at the  _ question _ , not the nurse, not Beca and  _ definitely _ not at Beca’s place. As far as Chloe was concerned Beca deserved - belonged – in the place at her side always. Forever. She was Beca and that was where Beca had belonged since they had met.

But her words had been enough to rip Beca from her side and into the waiting room, which had been so wrong.

Honestly she was surprised when she discovered that Beca hadn’t left. She had really expected it and it showed just how much Beca had changed in the last year. She had expected Beca to retreat, to run as fast and as hard as she could after Chloe had hurt her like that.

Oh god, she had hurt her so badly.

Then again, maybe she just hadn’t given her enough time, because  _ now _ Beca was hiding from her. She wasn’t answering her texts, not one, and she wasn’t picking up her phone.

She had worried that maybe it had been a little worse than she thought when Beca hadn’t allowed her to go home with her...which had been hard because after the fear of losing another baby, all she had wanted was to go  _ home _ ; to the familiar bed, to the familiar shower, to the familiar woman. She had just wanted to curl up, safe and warm in Beca’s arms, on the  _ condo’s _ couch and be somewhere comforting where she could sit and feel her daughter moving inside of her, reminding her that she was safe and healthy.

It had been painful to walk into an empty apartment.

She had known that Beca closing her out that night had been a bad thing, but she had assumed that Beca just needed a few minutes to lick her wounds and then it would be fine. It had upset her when she had tried to pull Beca’s sunglasses off and she had been denied her eyes. She had been sure that Beca was silently in tears and it had made her heart ache.

But she had apologized and she had thought that Beca understood that she made a mistake.

She should have worried about that moment more, about the moment that Beca had pulled away from her like that. Her spidey senses had been tingling but then Beca had kissed her – really kissed her - she had let her touch her face - and she had been pacified. She had thought that maybe it wasn’t all that bad. She had believed her when she said she was just tired and stressed...and so she had let her go - because she had absolutely no idea what she was doing these days, not when it came to this. She didn’t understand it and she didn’t know how to fix it. Chloe wondered now if maybe that had been a little bit of willful ignorance.

She had been willfully ignorant to a lot lately. She had believed Beca over and over again when she said things were fine, she had believed her when she had promised to be honest with her; perhaps she shouldn’t have. Perhaps she should have known Beca better than that.

She should have insisted, she shouldn’t have let Beca go. She knew better. She did; she knew better than that!

And now, she didn’t know where she was. It was like she had disappeared off the face of the earth.

And what was worse...she knew her best friend, she knew her lover...and if Beca was hiding from her this way then the odds were that Beca was lost in her own head - probably taking the issue that they _ did _ have and twisting it, creating something larger and something far worse. That scared her more than anything because who knew what Beca was creating - or _ if _ she was creating anything at all. She hoped she was wrong because if she was then who knew what side of things Beca would come out on. She thought she understood Beca pretty well, but she had never been able to follow those twists and turns, never sure how Beca got from one place to the other.

She also knew that the longer Beca had to do that, the more she did it, the worse it would be.

So Chloe was in a mild state of panic because not only did Beca have a bad habit of twisting but – she had a legitimate reason to be upset right now.

Okay, not mild.

Mild was not the word for what was happening with her - in her right now.

She was panicking.

And she was chasing.

She couldn’t let Beca do it again.

She couldn’t let her just vanish, she wouldn’t.

She stopped at a red light and let her forehead rest against the steering wheel, moaning out her stress.

She couldn’t.

She had just left the condo, where she had been stopping by every day since Aubrey had left, along with Moment One, in search of the skittish woman. It was amazing how well Beca could hide. All she had come across was Emily, and she hadn’t made Chloe feel any better about things. Running into Emily in the condo had kind of been like coming across Gollum in the Goblin Cave. Emily’s eyes had been huge and she had barely spoken to her before she had run off, back up to her room, tripping and falling. Chloe knew she was drinking, she could smell it. The first time she had let her go, the second time she had tried to follow, tried to speak to her but Emily had shouted that she was fine and slammed the door in her face. Chloe had been so surprised that she had just stared at the white door for a few long minutes before turning away.

That was the first time she had debated just  _ staying _ at the condo. She could wait Emily out, she could wait Beca out - only - she knew that was about as pathetic as she felt.

Clearly, neither woman wanted to talk to her right now. Which was baffling and so painful.

Plus. She was overreacting. She  _ had  _ to be overreacting. Yes, it  _ felt _ like Beca was running but she couldn’t actually be – not like she had run before, not after everything. Yeah, she would run for a little while, a few days and then she would slow and Chloe would catch her, or she would stop and everything would go back to normal.

Except she probably was, it was probably exactly like last time because Chloe had officially pushed too hard against her. She had hurt her. She had hurt her best friend. And that was unforgivable.

And this was what Beca did. Nothing would surprise her when it came to Beca’s ability to distance herself. She had a gold medal in the sport; a world champion.

This was exactly what she was afraid of. This was exactly why she couldn’t - she couldn’t let Beca in too close. This was exactly why Beca couldn’t love her. Chloe was a mess. She just broke Beca with her dysfunction and on top of that - if Beca was running again then Beca was about to break  _ her _ .

She turned onto the freeway, trying hard not to lose control of her ability to breathe.

How would she do it this time? Last time Chloe’s move to Henderson had been the final severing of ties, so how would she do it if Chloe still lived five minutes away? Because Chloe wouldn’t stop, she wouldn’t stop trying to fix what was broken. If they fixed it and Beca still didn’t want it then fine, she would deal with that. She couldn’t leave it like this - again.

She knew she was having some P.T.S.D. in this situation. She knew that it was making her panic a little more than she needed to but - she couldn’t go through this again. She couldn’t go back to that.

She and Beca were supposed to be leaving for Henderson the next day and she knew that if she let things keep going like this then Beca would say she had gotten too busy or had forgotten and therefore had missed the trip. Chloe wasn’t going to give this trip up, not only because she wanted to spend Christmas with Beca but also because  _ hopefully _ they would be able to get to the bottom of things on the drive. They had five hours to talk in the car each way, there was no way that Beca could keep pretending she was fine for that whole time.

“Oh my god!” Chloe took the next exit, oblivious to what it was. She had just left the condo but she turned around. She had to go back. She had to. She couldn’t just - she took a deep breath, feeling her tears rising yet again, she couldn’t just  _ let this happen _ !

She had already scared this strange new version of Emily back into her room but she could wait, she would wait. Emily would come back down. Beca would have to show up eventually and when she did Chloe would be unavoidable. She would be right there, in her bed, waiting.

She wished she knew where Grasshopper was. She had only been there once and she hadn’t been paying attention to the location. She knew she could ask P.J. or she could even ask Emily but that just seemed so – sad – and pathetic.

She would do it if she had to. She would do it, but she would wait until that was absolutely necessary.

Like...tomorrow.

She closed the condo door behind her, feeling better when she heard the familiar click of this specific door.

“Emily!” She called up the stairs, “I’m going to stay for a little while and wait for Beca.” She listened, hoping to hear a response but got nothing.

So Chloe paced, she paced through the condo, wringing her hands and doing her best not to cry.

Everything felt so out of her control and each time she tried to grip tighter it only got worse. She couldn’t handle it. She couldn’t. This was not what - she didn’t - this wasn’t -

She had expected to have to wait for at least a night so she jumped - hard - when she heard the front door rattle and open.

Instantly her heart was in her throat. She froze, mid panic as she watched Beca come in, carrying a bag of groceries and …  _ humming _ .

“Oh SHIT!” Beca cried, nearly dropping the bag as she turned and saw Chloe standing there, “Jesus, Chloe! You scared the fuck out of me!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

But Beca just shook her head and gave her a smile.

If Chloe hadn’t already been frozen then that would have stopped her in her tracks. She felt her face pull into a hard frown. She was  _ smiling _ at her? Like everything was fine?

Was there any possibility that she had been a bit of a drama queen and everything  _ was _ fine? Maybe Beca was just busy? Chloe had been to Moment One and it was clear that Beca had moved over to Grasshopper. Had she simply been too busy to respond? Was Chloe just jumping at shadows? She did that. She -

Only…

God, this was like deja vu.

This all felt so familiar, this insecurity she was feeling, this uncertainty. She hadn’t really been sure that anything was going on _ then _ either, not until it was too late and Beca had moved so far out of her reach that she hadn’t been able to grab her back again.

This all  _ felt _ like it had when she had run a few years ago.

Hadn’t Beca smiled as she disappeared then, too?

And it was freaking Christmas time! They should be cuddled up together under a blanket, pretending to watch Christmas specials but instead getting lost in the other’s lips.

God, Chloe missed kissing her. She craved it, she found comfort in it. She wanted her closeness so badly.

The fact that Beca was smiling at her like nothing was wrong -  _ almost _ like nothing was wrong - just pissed her off...and scared her.

Yes, this was  _ exactly _ how it had been before, right before she removed herself from her life for two years. She wasn’t crazy. And she wasn’t seeing things. She wasn’t imagining this and she refused to let herself think otherwise.

“Where the hell have you been?” Chloe winced at her own words, they had come out snappy and frustrated, she hadn’t meant it like that. She was just wound so tightly right now, had been for a while.

She was so worried.

Beca gave her a small frown and that was all, “Sorry, I’ve been spending a lot of time at the new studio. You okay?”

She knew it was just an evasion but if Beca wasn’t going to admit that something was wrong then she couldn’t force her, not easily anyway. And this - this was bullshit. This was what she had been doing for weeks! Saying nothing was wrong when clearly something big was wrong.

She was sure of it.

Could she just plant herself in Beca’s way and insist that she knew something was wrong over and over until Beca stopped lying?

Because Beca was lying. What the hell; why was she lying?

She felt her heart twitch, sighing and sobbing. She wanted to hug her until it all got better and strangle her all at once.

The combination kept her feet rooted in place as she watched Beca flutter around the kitchen, making herself something to eat and a big, big,  _ big _ drink.

She needed to not get more upset, she needed to calm down.

Everything about Beca right now was pointing to her being upset - really upset - she wasn’t hiding it well, so why wouldn’t she just say whatever it was?  _ Why wouldn’t she just be honest?  _ She didn’t understand!  _ Why? _ That way they could talk through it and move  _ past _ it.

How could she make it better if she wasn’t entirely sure what it was?

Unless Chloe  _ was _ just completely wrong...and her obvious and unending guilt was...just  _ screwing with her head _ . God, her head. It felt so - clouded. It was making her jumpy; it was making her twitchy and unsteady. So maybe? That thought took away some of her steam. “Of course, I’m okay, I’m just, I’m worried. Things don’t -  _ feel okay _ .”

Beca took a bite of her sandwich, eyeing her warily.

Chloe grimaced in response. She just felt so far away - so far from her - like she could reach out and touch her, she could pull her to her, she could hold her, kiss her and yet never get any closer to her.

The feeling made her want to reach out even more.

_ Beca, where are you? _

Beca shrugged. She just shrugged her shoulders like this was – was - _ nothing _ .

Chloe felt her mouth drop open in shock.

“What have you been up to?”

“What?” It took Chloe a second to think, “Nothing, nothing special. I’ve been spending a lot of time talking to Nick - which -” Chloe ran her fingers through her hair and settled them on her hips, “has been interesting. We’ve been clashing on - ideas - about this baby.” She eyed Beca as she nodded, she wasn’t even sure if she was listening.

“Well, you and Nick will figure it out. Meet in the middle or – something.”

Chloe stared again. That was just the most evasive cliché answer ever!

Her voice came out a little more indignant when she spoke again, “And Aubrey was here for a few days but you missed her.”

Beca let out a laugh, “I’m sure Aubrey was super sad about that.”

“Actually,” Chloe said in exasperation, “I think she missed you.”

“Well,” Beca gave another maddening shrug, “wonders never cease, I guess.”

Chloe studied her, tasting the bitter depression. She could feel it; she could literally feel it from her. Did Beca not know that? After all of this time, did Beca really not know that or did she just not care that it was obvious?

“Beca, what’s going on? Is it just the hospital thing? Are we still fighting about the hospital thing? I don’t even know anymore! I’m sorry that happened, Bec, I’m so, so, sorry. Yell at me, tell me off, just  _ talk  _ to me about it.”

Beca just looked at her as though she were absolutely insane. She hated it. “Nothing’s going on. We’re not fighting.”

“Is it,” Chloe paused, realizing she was about to say something she hadn’t actually talked openly about yet, “is it something that happened before that?”

Beca froze, staring down at the counter and the tension shot through the roof.

The ‘I love you’; they had never talked about it, she knew that.

Finally Beca blinked a few times and gave a flat, “No.”

No? No to what? “Beca, it’s obvious there’s something!”

“Look, everything’s fine. The hospital thing, yeah, it sucked but it made me realize a few things,” Chloe’s mouth went dry, “and the studio is great, Emily is - not so great,” her voice dropped into a whisper, “has she um, come down by the way? Because she has been hiding out and I’m a little-”

“Wait, back up  _ what _ did it make you realize?”

“I don’t know. I’m a little worried about her.” Beca continued over her. “And Kendra will be here just after the new year and it will be nice to work full time on that. Hope is adorable.”

“Beca, I see what you’re doing. Stop it. Why-”

“Oh, and I got a date.”

The room dropped into total and complete silence as Chloe felt her body go rigid, not allowing her to move, to breathe.

“ _ What? _ ”

It felt as though the air had just been knocked from her and try as she might she couldn’t get her lungs to open again. ... _ what? _ ... She had to have misunderstood.

“Yeah.” Beca said lightly, turning to put her plate in the sink, “I mean, it’s no big deal. Nothing serious or anything.” She paused, took a large swig of her drink and finally looked up, looking at Chloe fully for the first time since she got home, “That’s okay, right? I mean, you keep saying that we’re not together so I didn’t think it was anything - you know - to worry about. Just thought I should, tell you, or – something.”

Chloe felt like she had been knifed; there was a pain in her side that she couldn’t understand, a tormenting ache.

She couldn’t believe it.

Beca was going on a date?

Beca was  _ dating _ . Was she allowed to date? She knew that something was going on but she hadn’t thought - so was - was this it then?

Had she met someone and therefore was pulling away from Chloe or had things gotten so bad between them that Beca had moved on?

Or...oh god, had Chloe pushed her into the arms of another woman that day at the hospital?

She wanted to cry. She felt her body fighting, pushing against her will, begging to release the stockpile of tears that had been building for days.

She couldn’t cry though so she bit down hard, shook her head, and did something she hated, she pushed a synthetic smile onto her face, using it to cover how she was really feeling, “Yeah, it’s totally okay. I mean, how could it not be? It has to be, right?” She felt her stomach bubble and wriggle, she knew her voice was a little too high pitched so she pushed the smile further, making it larger, “I mean, if that’s what you want.”

She didn’t understand Beca’s expression as she sighed, her cheeks puffing as she gave an exaggerated blink, “Well no. I want - I want us to  _ be  _ together,” Chloe jumped, slapped by the blunt honesty that had been  _ so  _ absent, “but I get it, that’s just not in the cards, not  _ right now _ , maybe - probably not ever. You know?” She sent Chloe a glance and then went back to studying the counter top, “Everyone is constantly asking me, you’re constantly denying it. It took me freaking long enough but I get it now. It’s not going to happen. You want things how they are. Which is great - super great - I can dig it - or - whatever and I’m ready for that - now. And I think dating will help that. You want casual, so, yeah, dating will help keep everything casual.”

Chloe was nodding along, working hard to keep her face cheery. That was  _ not  _ what she wanted. She had no right to refuse this. She couldn’t stop Beca from…from… _ dating _ . She didn’t mean to, she was trying so hard not to but a sob escaped, one small sob. She was trying to keep it down but her throat was dry, working constantly, choking on the tears she wanted to let out.

Beca whipped around, “Wait, are you  _ crying _ ?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to. Oh my god!” She laughed, trying to push it off, trying to cover it.

Beca was studying her, staring at her closely, “You’re upset? I didn’t think you would like it but I figured you would be happy in the end. I’m taking the pressure off, Chlo.”

She wanted to respond but instead another sob escaped and she was so mad at herself for it. “ _ Damn it _ .” She swallowed hard. Was this Beca running or was this Beca has had enough? Did it matter either way? “I’m just surprised. That’s all, I swear. Anyone I know?” She was trying so hard to be cool, to play it cool but she knew this meant a lot more than Beca was simply going on a date.

“No, no one you know. Kendra’s handler.”

“ _ Oh! _ ” she frowned. So it wasn’t even a stranger, it was...it was a colleague. “Do you, you know, think that’s wise?”

“I don’t see why not. I mean, we’re both adults who, you know, date.”

“Okay.” Chloe felt her lips twist into a grimace so she pushed on a smile again. “Awes. When?”

“Saturday,” Beca said with a shrug.

Chloe frowned, that sick feeling washing through her again, “But that’s,” she spluttered, “that’s Christmas Eve!” So she had been very wrong when she had assumed that Beca would be coming with her. She had - she had just - but it was  _ Christmas _ …of course they would spend it together!

“Yeah, I guess there’s this party. I dunno, I’m not totally into that but whatever.”

Chloe blinked slowly, trying to wrap her head around this, trying to keep all reaction from her face… _ ‘but whatever?’ _

She was trying to hurt her.

Beca was  _ trying _ to hurt her, wasn’t she? Her Bec...she was…

It was true that Beca had never officially accepted the invitation to spend Christmas together but she had just assumed…

Maybe she had been assuming too much.

Her hands balled into fists, her short nails pricking at her palms as she tried to find solid ground. She realized she was shaking her head ever so slightly and forced herself to stop.

_ Beca… _

Chloe turned her next sob into a cough but Beca wasn’t fooled. Her eyes were sharp on her, flashing and Chloe had a moment to remember that Beca’s eyes never seemed as blue as when she was angry. Chloe knew her reaction wasn’t okay. It wasn’t. She wasn’t allowed to have one at all.

Maybe she needed to leave.

“I just can’t believe you’re dating,” she said instead of moving.

This was her fault. It was all her fault and yet, it hurt - oh god, oh god, it hurt like Beca just admitted that she was cheating on her. It _ felt _ like Beca had just admitted that she was about to start cheating on her, like she had been forewarned of the cheating first. She took a deep breath through her nose and covered her eyes for a second, trying hard, so hard… 

_ “Awesome! Oh,” Nick gave his best huge charming smile, his hand coming down on the woman’s shoulder, “this is Jenny. She’s new.”  _

“So you’re fine with this then?” Beca asked, snapping Chloe back from the memory.

She heard her voice respond without her permission, warbling too much, “Yeah. Of course! Why wouldn’t I be?”

Why had she just said that?

Now she was the one who was lying.

She was lying so much, so hard that her fingers were shaking. Her vision was starting to blur, growing watery as the tears fought harder for their freedom.

She felt the shift in Beca before she said a word, she felt the air move, the current going stale and then white hot.

“You’re  _ fine _ with it?” Beca spat, her eyes suddenly unnaturally large, “Are you fucking serious right now, Chloe? You’re just  _ fine _ with it?” Beca’s face fell sarcastically slack, “God, what have I been doing?”

Chloe’s head was shaking again, fast and hard this time. She was trapped, she was so trapped. “Bec.”

“Oh my god, I’m so STUPID!”

She didn’t think she could do it. She didn't think she could stay still. Oh god, she was fighting every bodily urge, every instinct to reach for her, to do something, anything to make this stop, “This feels like - was this a test or something?  _ No! _ No, I’m not fine with it!”

“What? No, dude, it wasn’t a test, it’s just like - I just, I mean...shit,” she watched Beca deflate, beginning to shift nervously from one foot to the other, “I didn’t mean it to be,” she finally sighed, “It’s just - you’re fine with it? I think that I thought, I don’t know.”

She could see Beca’s disappointment and she didn’t know what to do. She didn’t want her to - at all but she couldn’t tell her  _ no _ ; though she could see without even trying that Beca had  _ wanted _ her to say no. How? How could she? It wouldn’t be right!

She was so trapped.

She opened her mouth and it just spilled out like oil, she couldn’t help it, she didn’t want to say it, “I’m not okay with it. Please don’t.”

“What?”

“Bec,  _ please _ don’t - I’m sorry - I,” she hadn’t realized she was moving, not until she was pulling Beca in, kissing her, trying to claim her. She couldn’t stand the thought. The tears broke free and she found that she couldn’t stop them, she couldn’t stop crying. She kissed her cheeks, her eyebrows, her nose, her eyes, she kissed her lips and felt Beca’s shape to meet hers so she pressed, holding herself there, kissing her despite the wet tears.

She couldn’t. This couldn’t.

Beca.

Beca!  _ No! _

Her arm wrapped around her as she buried her face in Beca’s throat, the other stroking her cheek and jaw. When she lifted her head, pressing their foreheads together, their noses, she could feel Beca’s confused and - strangely vulnerable eyes zeroed in on hers but she couldn’t meet them.

Beca was hers, right? She had always been hers in a way. “Please, Bec, please don’t do this to us,” she whispered, her voice thick because she already knew, she knew it was too late. Beca was going to.

And then she nearly tipped over as Beca shoved away from her hard, disappearing from her arms. “Please don’t do  _ what _ to us? Don’t go on a  _ date? _ What ‘ _ us _ ’? The ‘ _ us _ ’ that is acceptable as long as everyone knows it’s  _ not real _ ? Even perfect strangers. The ‘ _ us _ ’ that can have sex with you, can share food with you, can talk to you, can even live with you, but never actually  _ be _ part of you? Which ‘ _ us _ ’, Chloe?”

“You promised!” Chloe accused.

“What?”

“You promised that if you started to feel this way that you would tell me! You promised that you wouldn't get all in your head and you’re all in your head, Beca!”

Except Beca was right.

She didn’t belong to her.

She never had.

She couldn’t let her. Not like Beca wanted her to.

She tried to compose herself, “Beca.”

“So...you don’t want to be with me -”

“Who told you that I don’t  _ want  _ to be with you?” 

Beca just spoke over her, “But you also don’t want me to see other people? I’m supposed to, what, just sit here in the corner and wait forever for you to decide? What the fuck am I supposed to do?”

Chloe crumbled all over again, terrified, angry, hurt, so hurt, “Beca, it’s not about want! We  _ can’t! _ I’m about to - to have a  _ baby! _ I’m not even divorced yet! I’m not easy! It’s  _ too much _ , I come with too much! It won’t be - it won’t be good - you’ll -”

“I hate to break it to you but you’ve  _ never _ been easy, Chlo! Don’t tell me what I want! Don’t tell me what I can handle!”

Again she saw that image in her mind, that feeling, Nick moving past her, not bothering to stop, not bothering to say hello. Chloe knew she was sobbing, she was constantly trying to stop the tears, constantly trying to wipe them out of existence.

Her tears clearly just pissed Beca off, “I don’t fucking understand. How many years of my life am I supposed to fucking sit and wait for you, Chloe? Don’t you get that it hurts?” Chloe sobbed again.

“Why didn’t you  _ talk to me? _ ” She sobbed but Beca wasn’t listening. 

“When you tell perfect fucking strangers that ‘no, no, we’re not together’, it doesn’t put them in their place, Chloe. It puts  _ me _ in  _ my _ place. Over and over again. And I think you  _ know _ that. You clearly don’t want to be with me. I’m just a good fuck. I’m an easy fuck and we have good chemistry. And we’re friends. I get it. It’s fine. I get it. It’s okay. Really.”

What? No! Oh god, no! Did she really think that? “Beca, no!” Her arms reached for her again, trying to be near her, to kiss her, to get her to wrap her arms around her. Beca couldn’t think that. She couldn’t. It wasn’t true. Nothing was further from the truth. She couldn’t think that, oh god. She needed to wipe it away, to fix the hurt, to fix the pain in Beca, she needed to make it better, she had to make it better. “No, Bec, that’s not - no, please!”

 

****

 

Beca could feel Chloe’s hands sliding around her waist; she could see her blue eyes so desperate. She was crying, absolutely freaking sobbing like Beca had just done something really terrible and ugh, she felt like fucking shit, like she totally had. She felt like a total fucking asshole.

But this - was necessary.

And… what the hell?

Chloe didn’t want to be with her. That was so clear. She kept saying they _ couldn’t _ be together - but she knew what ‘couldn’t’ meant. And even if she did want to at least fucking give it a try, it wasn’t happening anytime soon - like - not before Chloe was established in a career - divorced - had the baby - and the baby was going off to college.

So what the hell was she supposed to do with that?

She had already told herself that Chloe didn’t like it when other kids played with her toys, that was all this was, a knee jerk reaction but it was hard. Chloe kissing her this way, holding her face, kissing her like she never wanted to kiss any other lips again, it made her head spin, it made her heart ache. She groaned as Chloe kissed down her jaw and buried her face in her neck, holding her tight. Beca loved it when she sat this way, she loved the way her face felt against her skin, she loved the way her hair always came up and got into Beca’s eyes.

“I know this is my fault, Beca, I know, I’m sorry but please.”

Oh god, all she wanted to do was close her arms around her.

That was all.

She just wanted to close her arms around her and to hold her and kiss her, take her up to her bedroom and touch her, feel her. She felt guilty. Maybe she was a little guilty. And not guilty. 

Chloe pressed her lips to Beca’s throat, whimpering. A rush of determination passed through her and with a titan-like strength she turned away, closing herself off, “No, stop kissing me.” She had hoped to sound authoritative, in control; instead she sounded like a soft tearful child but she pushed forward anyway.

She had to back away. She had to take a step away from Chloe. She couldn’t live like this, always waiting in the wings.

Still. Turning away had felt like ripping off her own arm.

“I don’t - I don’t understand, what the fuck do you want from me then?” She wanted to shake her, she wanted her to see, she wanted her to say the words that could make everything better.

But Chloe just cried harder than ever, her hands going up to cover her face like she was embarrassed.

“Chloe!”

But Chloe just shook her head, still behind her hands and suddenly and without warning, she was gone - she had picked up her purse and she was just...gone.


	14. Chapter 14

Beca had worn the suit already recently so she didn’t have much choice as she got ready for Elle; she slipped into the swanky black dress. She could have gone shopping for something new but it was the freaking day before Christmas so - fuck it. Last minute Christmas shopping in L.A. was no joke. It was like Black Friday all over again. She wasn’t even sure she wanted this date anyway and she sure as fuck wasn’t in the mood for crowds so - yeah - ‘fuck it’ pretty much summed it up.

And she was running late. Like, really late. Her hair had taken her longer than she expected to flat iron completely straight….she hadn’t had enough coffee...and she was - so - freaking - fucking tired. Her nightly - as it was now - trips through the bathroom at The Royal or through her parent’s divorce had amped up to a predatory level.

Lately she felt like she had ten pounds weighing on each shoulder, trying to hold her captive and dragging her down.  

She was off kilter.

She studied herself in the mirror, worrying her lip. She couldn’t decide if this dress was too...revealing? It dipped all the way down to mid sternum; she had to tape it in place. I mean, to be fair she got it for red carpet type events but Elle had said formal/black tie. And, this was a date, right? Revealing was a good thing - on a - date...maybe?

She had gotten it because it was kind of edgy/music producer-y but was that what she wanted on a date…on Christmas Eve? Was there a rule about that? Maybe she should put some tinsel in her hair or hang some Christmas ornaments from her ears – something…

Ugh.

Why did she agree to this?

She turned from the mirror before she could second guess herself some more. That would literally help nothing and no one. It especially wouldn't help the knots that her stomach was currently twisting itself into.

Would it be weird if she poured herself a drink?

She checked her phone and wished she hadn’t. She had been checking her phone like every five minutes and that wasn’t helping. She had been doing it for the last few days and the result hadn’t changed. Nothing. No texts, no calls, nothing.

And she wasn’t going to break the silence.

She didn’t even want to - kind of.

She couldn’t.

If she did then it would have to start all over again and she couldn’t do that, didn’t have it in her.

This had to happen.

Chloe might not know it, but she needed Beca to stay strong here.

Or maybe she just needed herself to stay strong.

Whatever.

She didn’t know. She was too confused. That feeling of having ripped off her own arm hadn’t faded.

The doorbell rang, snatching her from her thoughts, “Fuck!”

She turned and shuffled down the stairs, heels in hand and hopping, hobbling as she tried to put them on and walk at the same time.

“Shit, shit, shit,” she realized she still had a cigarette dangling from her lips, the ash hanging precariously, just as she was swinging open the front door.

Fuck! She winked up at Elle, one eye closed to avoid the smoke, “Hi!” Beca did her best not to show that she was breathing hard. It wasn’t from her run down the stairs, it was just that...date…

She was a _hot mess_ right now and she couldn’t even deny it.

Elle was gorgeous, her long black dress far more traditional and flattering than Beca’s was.

“Uuuuh, right, would you like to come in for a drink or should we just uh, yeah?”

Elle chuckled taking her in, “I think that perhaps we should go. Are you...alright?”

“Right,” Beca said a little too loudly. “Yeah, yeah! I’m - I’m good! Let’s do this thang.”

This was so fucking weird.

They had decided to share a car, Elle insisted on driving and Beca allowed it, feeling strange at having someone else do what she normally would have done.

She tried hard not to fill the silent car ride with thoughts of Chloe, but it was fucking impossible.

...They weren’t speaking...

It was probably a good thing. Well no, it wasn’t good, not at all but it was probably something that had to happen.

Still.

It was strange.

And she kept picturing that moment right before Chloe had run from the condo, that moment that she had covered her face, hiding her tears, hiding them from Beca.

It had been one of the strangest moments ever.

This was Chloe. She didn’t hide her emotions, not from her, not really from anyone.

Honestly, it was pissing her off that she was thinking about Chloe at all. She shouldn’t be thinking about her, not right now. She was literally on a date with someone else. And she shouldn’t feel this guilty.

She smiled a bit at Elle and Elle smiled back.

“I don’t mind if you smoke.”

“What?”

“I don’t mind if you want to smoke. You seem,” Elle’s hand fell to her knee, giving it a soft stroke, “you seem so nervous.”

“Yeah.” Beca tried to laugh but it felt like sandpaper in her throat, “It’s uh, it’s been awhile - since I’ve done this - I mean. Want one?”

To Beca’s surprise, Elle’s long fingers reached over and smoothly took the cigarette that Beca had just placed between her own lips. Beca stumbled for a second, watching as Elle closed her hand around Beca’s, bringing it and the lighter in Beca’s palm to her, lighting it and then holding both out in front of Beca so she could light another one for herself.

Chloe had used to do stuff like that to her, these boldly flirtatious things just to see how Beca would respond. No, Chloe still did those types of things. She had gotten kind of used to it but – now – it was the wrong face giving her that knowing smirk.

“I don’t let myself smoke often anymore,” Elle said casually, finally releasing Beca’s hand, “I quit five years ago but on occasion it’s a nice treat.”

“Five years, wow!” Beca mumbled, head not fully cleared of her thoughts yet.

“Yes, my sister never touched a cigarette in her life and yet we lost her five years ago to throat cancer. It was highly motivating.”

“Oh, uh, wow! I’m really sorry.” Beca frowned at the lit thing in her hands, feeling guilty. “Were you close?” She asked because she didn’t know what else to say.

“We were sisters.” Elle gave her a smile and unclipped her seatbelt.

“Oh! Uh, crap!” Beca hadn’t realized they had pulled up to the valet.

“Have you ever been to this event before? I hear it’s annually thrown.”

“Nope. P.J. usually comes so I’ve never felt the need to. He’ll probably be here.”

Elle nodded and Beca jumped as she felt her hand fall to her arm, taking it gently.

 

It was nice. Elle seemed to know a lot more people than Beca thought a recent transplant would, then again the moving distance from New York to L.A. always seemed to be much shorter than anywhere else.

Elle kept introducing her to anyone and everyone they came across as her date, which was kind of great. It was nice to actually be the _date_ and not just some girl. It was nice to be there with someone, to be acknowledged, though, it didn’t quite pack the punch that she had thought it would. Maybe because she didn’t really know this woman - maybe because she wasn’t Chloe. What did it matter if she was being claimed as someone’s date when she didn’t even know that person - when she felt nothing for them?

Okay, just because you’re doing this doesn’t mean you get to sit here all emo, Beca! You have to stop thinking shit like that because really – you just have to.

She did her best to clear her thoughts, sipping champagne and chatting lightly with Elle, feeling unusually quiet as she beat the thoughts of Chloe back with a bat. It was just - ugh, how could she have been so upset the other day? She made sure no one thought they were together - ever. It was a fucking phobia of hers. She ran from the relationship title like crazy, like it would eat her if it got too close….then, of course, she would do things like make her feel her belly and ask her to sing to the baby. She would hold her hand in public, she would fuck her any day, anytime, but then would jump when anyone mentioned them as a couple. How did that work?!

The problem was that Beca felt claimed. She felt like she was Chloe’s but that was just stupid because she had been feeling that for years. It didn’t make it real. She could feel like a freaking butterfly but it wouldn’t make her one. It didn’t make it anything less than stupid.

And once freaking again, Beca, this is the damn point.

 

“Would you like to dance?”

Beca jumped as she felt Elle’s hand slide politely to the small of her back. “Uh, sure?”

Elle was good company. This was stupid. She needed to get her head together.

Only she - she thought about Chloe – she should have been swept off of her fucking feet as Elle led her around the dance floor, talking with her in a low voice. But she couldn’t. She was thinking about Chloe. She thought about her as they joined into conversations, she thought about her with every long glance from Elle, every touch of her hand, every flirtatious joke.

Elle was charming.

She was a great date.

And yet, Beca was thinking of Chloe.

Where was she? What was she doing? Was she okay? How was Legacy? She thought of Chloe as P.J. threw his arm around her and clinked his cider to her champagne, sending Elle a very confused look as he did it. The poor guy, he just had absolutely no idea what was going on in her life.

It was a good first date and yet Beca thought of Chloe even as they got into the car at the end of the night.

Elle was quite a smooth talker and more than once Beca had felt her cheeks flush. And yet, her head, it felt thick, too full, uncomfortable.

When Elle parked the car at Beca’s condo, insisting on walking her to the door, she felt her head swim. Did she want what was probably going to happen when they got to her front door? Or at least - what she thought would happen? What _she_ would have meant by ‘let me walk you to the door’?

She couldn’t decide.

Chloe’s face flashed across her mind and Beca flinched, annoyed.

Part of her thought that she would feel better after she bent Elle into a pretzel. Like she had said before, the woman was hot and some - fun - could be, would be, good. Elle was making it abundantly clear that she would welcome going to bed with her. So...

She nodded and Elle got out and, reaching out, she took Beca’s hand.

Elle was nice.

She liked her well enough. So…

“So what are you planning on doing tomorrow?”

“Um, I hear there is an all-day marathon of ‘A Christmas Story’ and I’ve only seen it about four times this year so I think I had better tune into that for a few hours.”

Elle laughed, “I like your sense of humor.”

“Thanks?”

She felt her fingers start to sweat and even though she didn’t want to, she remembered the day that Chloe had mauled her in this elevator, when she had attacked her with her lips and her body simply because Beca had been given another woman’s phone number.

Okay, yeah, she knew that Chloe didn’t want her to date, she kind of knew that Chloe wanted her for herself - literally. She knew that, she wasn’t stupid. She knew that Chloe cared about her - she still thought that there was a good chance that Chloe loved her - but -

It wasn’t enough.

“So.” Elle stopped just outside of the door.

“Yeeeeaaaaah.”

“Enjoy that marathon. I might be tuning in myself.” Beca felt a frown coming, waiting for Elle to ask if she wanted to watch together, waiting for some other date-like offer followed by a ‘well it seems silly to go home if I will just be back in the morning…’ But none came. Instead, Elle began to lean forward.

Shit. Shit,shit,shit!

Elle just gave her a soft lingering kiss on the cheek, “I’ll call you.”

“‘Kay,” she wheezed.

 

Beca was glad as she watched the doors close Elle into the elevator, taking her away.

God, she was so lame! Since when couldn’t she even have some random and fun sex?

Except. Maybe that was the problem, Elle wasn’t random enough.

She let herself into the condo and stopped just inside the door, not even bothering to close it because she knew without a shadow of a doubt that she so did not want to be there.

She just needed to fucking get out of her head for a while. She just needed something to happen. She just needed to not be -

Maybe she should call Elle back, spike the punch and have a crazy night; the kind she used to have. Elle seemed very dignified and professional but something made her think that she could have a good time if prompted. Plus, she was pretty sure that Elle would make a very good pretzel.

Then she laughed because if she wanted a _pretzel_ then she knew who to call, who could literally tie herself into one. She had seen Chloe in yoga positions that would make a weaker woman cry.

“FUCK!” She shouted into the silent condo.

She just needed her out of her head for a few fucking minutes! Like - any time now - that would be welcome any freaking time now!

She turned on her heels and stomped back to the elevator.

* * *

 

Beca had never felt so fucking welcome in a place before. Screw the fashion show, this was her very own goddamn red carpet event; her very own _‘Hello Dolly’_ scene. All she had done was walk inside, free of charge, and straight to the bar, still five people had already stopped to greet her with more enthusiasm than she was pretty sure she deserved.

This was where she belonged. The Royal was her home. Why had she ever let herself think otherwise? Because of one stupid, bad, traumatic night? That was dumb. These were her people.

“Hey, Tony!”

The downstairs bartender did a quick double take, “Well if it isn’t our very own House Bex! Damn girl, look at you! And all dressed up like a fucking queen!”

Beca gave him a small sarcastic curtsy, “I think there’s only room for one queen at this bar, though Tony, and it isn’t me!”

Tony roared with laughter.

“House Bex! Holy shit, get her a shot on me, bartender!” The woman beside her cried and then a man two down insisted that he had next. She didn’t recognize either of them but Beca wasn’t all that surprised by that. It happened a lot. She had been drunk there so often that it wasn’t surprising when someone came up and insisted that they met the night before. It had happened so often that she had begun to just take people’s word for it. Maybe she had, maybe she hadn’t. Either way, whatever.

Both shots were lined up, plus a third that Tony insisted was ‘on the house for House’. Beca tipped the glasses in salute to each person and then threw them back one by one, embracing the familiar hot fire as it went down her throat.

She talked to Tony for a minute and then decided to start up to the third floor since that had always been where her people were.

It was strange, her dress was completely out of place there and yet she suddenly didn’t care.

She didn’t care about anything.

And it was fucking great.

This place, it was a not-caring haven.

This was why she loved it.

“Yo, lil’ mama! No shit!” EZTeez slapped his knee when, habitually she turned and entered the party room he had always occupied. She hadn’t even meant to, she had just done it so many times that her body had taken her there all on its own. Maybe she shouldn’t have just waltzed in like she fucking owned the place, but, it kind of couldn’t be helped. This was her place, god damn it.

“Heeeey EZ, what’ditdo, buddy?” she cried, bouncing her shoulders playfully and giving the crew around her a fist bump each in turn. She didn’t even care right now that these were the guys who drove her fucking nuts, she didn’t even care that she had recently heard that EZ was recording a ghetto version of ‘Mambo No 5’, she didn’t even fucking care that EZ had walked away from her. Hell no, not with the way he was grinning at her like she was the fucking shiz.

He laughed, getting up and flopping an arm over her, “Aaawwwe yaya! Now the party can start, mama! This place hasn’t been the damn same since you left. What the hell brings you here on this yuletide eve?”

“The need of libation, my friend.”

“Ha!” He scoffed, “I heard that. Yo Clay, go get us a bottle to celebrate.” He pulled Beca back to the couch and she sat down next to him, doing her best not to think about the things she had seen done on it, hell the things she had done on it while drunk. She wondered if they were ever cleaned. Probably not. If she reached between the cushions she would probably find a pair or two of Hunny’s underwear there and definitely at least one pair her own.

Before she knew it, she had a shot in one hand and a flute of champagne in the other and she was god damn giddy about that fact.

“So how’s the new label? I’ve been thinking of, uh, running by and checking it out.” EZ said, suggestion high in his tone.

Beca scoffed, the alcohol already going to her head, “Yeah right. Don’t let P.J. hear that.”

“What, you don’t have room for me and my crew?”

“Ha!” She took another shot, “I don’t think your crew has room for me, EZ. Let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that you guys didn’t hate working with me.”

“Whoa.” Her eyes were already getting foggy but she looked up and was startled to see Hunny looking down at her from across the room, her face just about as dumbstruck as Beca felt.

Errrrr, yeah, she hadn’t thought about the fact that she would probably see Hunny. She gave a shrug and looked away, back to the conversation she had been having with EZ.

A balloon of sadness popped inside of her as she realized that must mean that the rehab hadn’t worked. Then someone handed her another drink, she had no idea what, and she swallowed it down, feeling better and better as the thoughts she didn’t want just drifted away. Hunny wasn’t a redhead anymore and Beca would love to know what spawned that choice. She was now a toxic, bleach blonde that didn’t quite work as well and yet totally worked. Props to her stylist. It was edgy.

Out of the corner of her vision she saw Hunny frowning at Beca’s lack of response to her, at the fact that she was ignoring her. She seemed to teeter between staying and leaving before she decided to settle into a seat far away from her.

Beca wasn’t ignoring her because she was pissed at her, honestly, she probably should be but she wasn’t really, not tonight. Mostly she was just going to keep ignoring her because looking at her made her sad.

And she didn’t want to be sad.

She needed more to drink.

A few people came into the room, all insisting they heard that House was there and all bearing tidings of great joy – in shot form. She took them all without hesitation, sending happy winks and dry sarcasm at each of them.

Man. She had been thinking for months now that ‘House Bex’ was kind of bad, not really someone she wanted to be but this was fucking awesome, this was the shit. Everyone here loved her and she had artists literally throwing themselves at her right now. And she was getting a thick, vindictive pleasure at the fact that EZ was clearly foaming at the bit to get over to Grasshopper.

Why was this bad?

Okay, yeah, so maybe that whole car crash thing had been bad and yeah, maybe Hunny needed to be in rehab and – stuff – but this was awesome. Maybe she needed to rethink her life choices.

Beca had decided to ignore Hunny because she made her feel bad, but over the next hour she began to ignore her for other reasons. As a matter of fact, this wasn’t the first time it had been like this. The more that Beca ignored Hunny, the more she saw the woman twitch, wanting the attention that Beca knew Hunny felt she deserved. It was a game she had played with her before, though she wasn’t sure that Hunny knew that they used to do it. Send the occasional glance, only look at her when she was speaking to the group - keep her face impartial, speak to her politely but stiffly and only when spoken to - keep her on the edge of her seat. She hadn’t meant to start playing that game, even though it had always turned Hunny into a frustrated, mewling, begging mess. She really hadn’t. It was just that there was alcohol in her system and she could feel Hunny twitching for her attention and it was all so familiar that it had just happened. Finally Hunny stood, her eyebrows pressed into a thin line and Beca felt her lips twitch.

She waited for Hunny to come in swinging, yelling about the fact that she was being ignored, to literally throw herself on her, forcing Beca to notice her but she approached with all of her charm, all of her swagger and an edge of something new. She would put dollars on the idea that her agent was pushing that whole I’m-wise-now-that-I’ve-been-to-rehab thing. It was a good cover, preach about the program, talk openly about your mistakes; it was a cover she would have used for someone who wasn’t all that repentant too. Everyone loves a redemption story.

“So, Bexy,” Beca blinked up at her, “whaddya say? Buy a girl a drink?”

Beca frowned, the thing was, she hadn’t actually thought about what she would do if Hunny did approach her. She knew that she had to make a choice, if she got up then she would have company for the night, hell, she could probably have company for the next day too. Hunny also made a pretty good pretzel and they could have some fun. A lot of fun.

She rose and let Hunny put her arm around her waist, leading them away and to the third-floor bar with obvious satisfaction. Hunny’s face looked like a woman who had just been handed a Bachelor rose.

“I’m surprised to see you here.”

Beca just shrugged, waving the bartender over and ordering their two go-to shots.

“You remember.”

“We were kind of fucking for like a year, Hunny.” She shrugged, “It wasn’t that long ago, either.”

“Oooh, and here I thought that you had forgotten that fact.”

Beca scoffed, “Yeah, so, if you’re going to start some shit Hun, then I’m gonna go ahead and,”

“Whoa now!” Hunny cried, grabbing a fistful of her hair in that way that Hunny used to do whenever Beca tried to walk away from her, a strong fistful, right at the base of her head. She had never been much into hair pulling, Chloe kind of was, but still, it never failed to send a shiver of goosebumps all through Beca’s body. “I’m sorry,” Hunny whined, “I’ll be a good girl.”

“Um-hmm.” Beca rolled her eyes.

“So. How is the wifey?”

Beca ordered and took another shot before she answered, “She’s not my wife.” She knew her voice was flat, Hunny would have heard it too, but she pressed.

“Alright, Fred I’ll rephrase, what happened to Ginger? You two have a fight?” Hunny asked, her face pulling into a comical pout.

Beca eyed her, realizing that it was early. Hunny wasn’t all of that fucked up yet. Maybe - but no, she gave up the hope that maybe Hunny was taking better care of herself. The fact that she was here was proof enough that she wasn’t. “Yeah, I kinda really don’t want to talk about Chloe. Thanks.” In truth, Hunny didn’t look so great. She was too thin, far thinner than she had been last time that Beca had seen her, her skin wasn’t really the right color, and her hair seemed to have a distinct wilt. She could see bags under her eyes. Not horrible ones, but the bags were enough for her to realize that if they showed that well under her makeup then they were probably kind of intense.

“Okay then, do you want to dance?”

“That,” Beca cleared her throat, shaking the thoughts away, “is something that I do want to do.”

“Well let’s go then.”

 

It felt great to be here, moving to the beat beside the familiar body - okay, against the familiar body – very - against. She felt like the old Beca - like House Bex - which was so liberating, so freeing. She felt herself passed from one pair of arms to the next and to the next, taking a second to greet the people she used to know and, like it had always been, feeling Hunny against her back. She thought that maybe she kind of liked that. She liked this feeling of freedom. And maybe she hadn’t been fair to Hunny. She had just sort of kicked her to the curb after so long of hooking up. She had barely said goodbye. That hadn’t been right. Hunny had always been there for her and she just kind of bailed. Plus, like, the thing was maybe she had not had enough appreciation for the type of comfort that Hunny was willing to offer her. No strings attached, nothing serious, just casual fun and someone to fill the space in her bed when she needed it.

Whatever. She didn’t need to think about this. That was the beauty of this place. She didn’t need to think about anything here, ever. That was the point.

She reached up and pulled her hair out of its tight hold, shaking it out and wishing that she had changed. Instantly she felt Hunny’s nose slide up the back of her neck and Beca jumped, unsure. It took another stroke, and then another before she melted into it, dancing, not caring. The music was what mattered. Didn’t have to think, remember?

A track started and Beca turned, looking up at the D.J., “What?” She cried as one of her old - old - old club mixes began to play.

“I told him you were here!” Hunny yelled, pulling her in by the hips, “This one was always my favorite! Do you remember why?”

Ha! Yeah, she did.

She felt Hunny’s hips move against hers and she tried to follow suit but it just wasn’t working.

“You need more to drink!” Hunny announced, sensing her hesitance.

“God, yes,” she moaned, “Thank you! Yeah, I do!”

And so she drank.

She drank and she danced and she danced.

She tied one on that could have gone down in history and while she did Hunny was at her side, touching her, stroking her, teasing, and hinting.

She had forgotten how much fun this place was, how much fun Hunny was.

God, she had forgotten that Hunny was a great kisser.

Wait, she blinked a little, when had she gotten into this dark corner with Hunny? She couldn’t remember.

Hunny’s lips felt foreign now as they bit down on her throat, pulling a moan from her. It was strange; she had known them so well once. She had known this feeling so well, arousal mixed with inebriation. It was such a heady, freaking wonderful mix, it had been her home base. She felt her body responding primally and she loved it. It was so easy, so simple, there was no complication here, it was bodily.

She felt Hunny graze her breast and moaned again, surprised that she didn’t care. She just wanted the ache that was building around her heart to go the fuck away.

She pushed Hunny away and then pulled her gruffly back to the bar. A few shots later and she tried again. This time the ache was there, but it was dull, broken, distant in the back of her mind as Hunny’s hand slipped under the tape of the dress to pinch a bare breast.

She felt Hunny’s tongue massaging her own, felt her lips pressing into hers.

She let out a yelp as Hunny suddenly flipped them, pushing Beca into the wall, grinding against her ass, taking, sucking on the back of her neck.

God, it was so fucking good.

Who needed - who needed her anyway.

She loved feeling like this woman again, feeling like the version of herself who had already crossed this bridge, had already learned to ignore the hurt around her heart, learned to live with it, the one who had already walked away from Chloe.

She was the smarter woman, not the woman that Beca had thought she wanted to be now.

She opened her eyes with a gasp as Hunny gripped her hips, banging her own into her suggestively.

Ew. Was that gum? There was gum on the wall like an inch from her face.

Gross.

Hunny did it again and Beca cried out, trying hard not to think of the time that Chloe had enjoyed the use of her strap-on. That had been the last time someone had bent her over anything, hadn’t it? And god, Chloe had. Her lady, who could be so classy and naturally elegant when she wanted to be, had done some amazingly dirty things to her that day and it had been awesome because she had done them all completely lost in her, absorbing her, touching her face, kissing her like she -

Fuck.

Not.

Now.

She stared at the blue blob, her frown growing.

She just needed to not look at it. She turned her head but facing this way she quickly began to notice a smell. Had this place always smelled? Or were they next to the bathroom? Hunny was a minute from pulling her skirt up, which, she wanted her to do - she thought - but there was this weird toilet and vomit smell in the back of her nose. And it was loud. God, it was really fucking loud.

“Hey EZ,” Hunny laughed as the man walked to the bar a few feet away, “Get us a drink.”

He paused, taking a second to appreciate the sight and then nodded. The man had seen more lesbian play than Hugh Hefner just by hanging out with them.

A minute later Beca was embarrassed to find that she was faced with her former client, breathless, ready to be fucked already but pausing to take a shot as a trio, just like old times. She knew that this wasn’t new to him, but suddenly being the one about to be devoured she was - embarrassed.

“Man, oh man,” he chuckled, taking in Beca’s ragged hair and the way she kind of swayed where she stood, “I guess a tiger really can’t change its stripes, huh House? Thank god for that.” He took a moment to make the catholic cross before he kissed his fingers and held them up to the sky.

But Beca was thinking of something else.

What if this got back to her clients?

Kendra or oh god, Hope’s parents?

She couldn’t even fucking imagine what would happen there. Hope was a kid, and Linda and Heck had already been wary of Beca because of that whole Bellas MuffGate thing. They trusted her to be a good influence on their little girl.

God, this was so fucking lame.

This was the kind of shit she didn’t want to think about. And she was drunk! She wasn’t supposed to be thinking like this when she was drunk!

Fuck, it would be even better if she was suddenly out of commission because Hunny gave her some strain of Super-Chlamydia. How the fuck would she explain that?

EZ shook his head, laughing as he started away.

“Whatever. Where were we?”

“I think I was somewhere about here.”

“Right.” Hunny shoved her around and against the wall again, pressing into her front, her hands walking down her thighs, over her ass.

Maybe they should leave.

Maybe that would -

The bathroom scent washed over her again and suddenly her latest dream wracked through her, making her gasp.

Hunny groaned, thinking it had been her to pull that from her.

Beca could see Hunny’s unconscious face, she could see Jeremy’s sweat-stained face. She felt her hands on Hunny’s hips; she was so thin, too thin. She wondered what she was using now. Was there anything much worse than the heroine that Hunny had ODed on? God. The answer to that was unfortunately yes.

Not wanting these thoughts she pushed Hunny’s face into her own neck, knowing that Hunny would sink her teeth in. “Harder. Fucking harder!” She cried out in pain and the vividness of the dream faded, mercifully. Thank god. But instead another face popped into her mind, Emily.

God, Emily.

Her friend.

Who was off the wagon.

Emily who felt so different these days.

Her little Flashlight.

Chloe had been right, they needed to call Benji. They needed to do something. She couldn’t just let her keep going. She couldn’t let her turn into Hunny. She, ugh, cheesy, but she loved her. She was one of her best friends.

God damn it! She pressed herself into Hunny’s thigh, looking for that feeling, looking for that ability to drift away fully but it wasn’t happening. Actually, the more she tried the less it worked. She wanted to feel it, she wanted it to be like before, she wanted it to be like Chloe had never come back, like she had never, ever come back so Beca didn’t have to feel this used, this unwanted, this guilty, like she had never come back to mess up the life that Beca had been living with her fake promises and her flashing eyes. She wished that she didn’t love her, she didn’t want to love her, she didn’t want - she didn’t – she wished she had never fucking met her!

She broke off the kiss with a gasp, that pain that she had been trying to push away was suddenly there tenfold, making her stagger, making her moan.

“Bex? What’s wrong?”

Like Chloe had never come home? Like she had never known her at all? Oh god.

She didn’t want that.

How could she ever want that?

And this, she pushed Hunny away, she didn’t want this either. This wasn’t who she wanted to be. She hadn’t made the fucking choice to be someone else, to have a different life for Chloe.

Suddenly she felt dirty, disgusting.

She needed a shower.

She knew that Hunny was trying to pull her back in but Beca shoved her off, “Let me go!”

“Yeah, merry fucking Christmas to you too, _Beca_.”

But she barely heard her.

She just wanted to fucking go home.

* * *

Beca woke up the next morning feeling renewed - which - she found pretty impressive because not only had she consumed her weight in alcohol the night before but she also hadn’t gone to bed more than two hours earlier. She had caught a taxi as soon as she stepped from the club, and while the taxi had been one of those annoying chatty ones, she had gotten lost in her thoughts pretty quickly. She wasn’t sure where the thought had come from but for some reason she had begun to think about an old photo of herself and Chloe at a party. She had been nineteen or so at the time when it was taken, she thought. It had been a good party too, clearly, because Chloe had been completely passed out in the photo, dead to the world after too many drinks. In the shot Chloe’s face had been nestled in the crook of Beca’s neck and while Beca wasn’t even looking at the camera, as a matter of fact she had been looking elsewhere entirely, she had been laughing with someone. In the photo she had an arm clutched carefully around Chloe’s waist, holding her there, holding her in her chair and against her.

Beca had drunkenly become obsessed. She had spent the ride scrolling through old Facebook photo albums, surprised as to how many photos really did exist of the pair of them. She scrolled through, looking at each one in turn. She had been so focused that she thought she had perhaps way overpaid the driver but oh well, he was driving a cab in the early hours of Christmas day, he deserved it. She hadn’t found the photo online though and once she got inside she had stumbled drunkenly through a shower and then sat on her bed, laptop in her lap, looking through her personal stash of photos.

She hadn’t cried, she had promised herself that she wouldn’t cry over this anymore but she had stayed up, studying the curve of Chloe’s face, the smile on her own face in each picture, the way they were looking at one another.

The sun had been almost fully up by the time that she had gone to bed.

 

She couldn’t understand how she felt so good.

Well, she didn’t.

She felt like shit.

She had spent a while hovering over the toilet, begging to be sick just so she might feel a little better but her body wouldn’t allow it.

She had finally given up, taken a few painkillers and made a choice. Sitting there beside the toilet, she had made a choice.

That hadn’t been - good - last night - that had been - really bad, actually.

God, she wished that it had been anyone but Hunny. She wished it had been Elle, or anyone really. More than anything, she wished that she didn’t have a stupid scabbed over double crescent bite mark on her neck.

It had been bad.

And it’s badness had been what had pushed her over the edge.

She had gotten up - renewed - pissed off and determined and she had broken every single cigarette in the house. She had done it before she had allowed herself to think and then she had changed and gone down to the second-floor gym, working out until she had finally, mercifully, been sick.

This was who she wanted to be.

Well, maybe not the chic who was puking into the gym bathroom toilet thanks to her hangover.

Beca Effin’ Mitchell was a badass. She didn’t smoke. She worked out. She took care of herself. She could handle things like normal relationships. She had a badass label that was going to get her somewhere.

She wanted to be an adult. A real adult. She wanted to not drink coffee after ten in the morning because it made her sleep poorly, she wanted to pay all of her bills early, she wanted to buy a car because it was rated high in safety features. Because being a real badass, yeah, that wasn’t about how many shots you could drink, or women you could bang. Not at all.

She wanted to be a badass and she was going to make it happen.

Because she _was_ Beca Effin’ Mitchell.

Somewhere.

It had actually been kind of cool. For a moment there she had felt like her old self, like the Bellas captain who had performed for the president and had led the first American team to win a national title – the one who had made a demo which a big time producer had liked. She was a badass, or, well, she wanted to be one.

And - you know, she had _felt_ like a badass - until the moment she had run to the bathroom to lose everything in her stomach.

Now, as she was pulling on her shittiest, most comfortable clothes and groaning because somehow she was already sore, she felt a little less like an ass kicking bitch.

That was kind of okay though because she could feel it was still there - somewhere.

She hobbled downstairs and sat with a flop on the couch, just beside Emily’s head.

Her friend must have thought that she wasn’t coming home the night before because she hadn’t once allowed herself to be seen like this.

She looked like she was just asleep, yeah, but Beca knew she wasn’t. She could smell the thick scent of spiked eggnog - which almost sent her running back to the bathroom. Her hangover was just not okay with that thought. _Eggnog. Ugh._

She wondered if maybe Emily had been drinking a bit more than normal because she was unhappy to be here in the condo on Christmas Eve, by herself instead of with her weird, squishy teddy bear of a boyfriend.

Beca could sympathize. And she wished that she had been here the night before.

She had been avoiding picking up her phone all morning, not sure if she wanted to see it full of messages or if she was afraid to see it blank.

Her heart leapt when she saw a message, answering her question for her, but then it crashed just as quickly when she realized the message was from Elle… not from…

“Good morning and Merry Christmas! I was just wondering, did you have fun at all last night? I know that I did.”

Beca dropped the phone into her lap.

So she had made a good impression then. Awesome. She groaned and let her head fall back onto the cushions.

“Hey.” She shook Emily. “Flashlight. Wake up. Emily.”

Shit, she had forgotten how bad hangovers were.

Emily groaned, “Whaaaat?”

“Get up.”

Emily shuffled, trying to hide her face from the invading sun, trying to hide that she felt anything other than skippy at that moment, trying to pretend her hangover wasn’t happening. “Uuuugh, morning. Sorry. Sleep, fell asleep watching - watching ‘A Christmas Story’,” she yawned out, “Coffee?”

Beca nodded, and she watched Emily get up wobbly. She let her make the coffee without her, wondering if she was doing the hair of the dog trick that she had taught Beca. She knew she heard the rattle of some pain medicine or other at some point.

Eventually, Emily returned with two empty mugs and the steeping french press.

“You look like crap.”

Beca laughed, “Right back at ya, babe.”

Emily frowned, folding herself into the couch beside her. “I’m sorry, that was mean. I’m grumpy. Merry Christmas, Bec.” She watched the girl smile, pleased - more than she thought she would be - when she saw Flashlight shining through. Emily leaned forward and hugged her and Beca hugged back, maybe a little too tightly. “I’m surprised you’re here.”

“What? Why? Where else would I be?”

“With Chlo. Obvs.”

Beca scoffed, picking at a hole in her sweats, “Shows how in sync we’ve been, Flash. Chlo and I haven’t been, I dunno, yeah, we just haven’t really been talking. Like we  broke up - not that there was anything to break up. But uh, ugh, some - stupid shit has happened. And - yeah.”

“Wait. What do you mean? She’s been here like every day.”

“What?”

“What do you mean ‘what’? What, ‘what’? She’s been here. I assumed with you. She’s been kind of -” Emily turned a slight shade of pink and sent Beca a guilty look.

“Annoying?” Beca supplied, “It’s okay Em, you can say that Chloe was annoying. I, of all freaking people, know how annoying Chloe can be. And, I dunno, if she’s been here then I didn't know. I haven’t been. Not until yesterday. I’ve been staying at Grasshopper. She must have been looking for me.” She groaned, head hitting the couch.

“What happened?” Emily poured them each a cup with such sympathy in her eyes that, damn it, Beca broke down again.

She had been doing that _so much!_ What the fuck?

She explained about all of the times that Chloe insisted that they weren’t together, she explained about her promise to Chloe, the principal and the hospital and everything in between. By the time she was done she was hiccupping lamely but she didn’t feel embarrassed, Emily had a way of listening that made you feel like you could say or do anything and she wouldn’t judge you. So she told her about her realization, about the fact that she was stepping away.

“ _Forever_?” Emily asked, her eyes wide.

“I dunno, I don’t think so. I don’t want that. But maybe if I step back then we can be friends again one day.” Except…

Emily looked about as confused as Beca felt.

“It’s just like - um,” Beca picked at a fingernail as she spoke, “you ever been in a situation where everything, like literally everything, could be fanfuckingtastic, totally fucking perfect, if this _one_ thing could happen - but that one stupid thing is the only thing that can’t?”

“So um, like, what is that code for?”

“I think,” she swallowed hard, “I kinda think we could be great, we could be so happy only we can’t be together. It’s the one thing we can’t do.”

“Why not?”

Beca gave a passive shrug, “I didn’t - and Chloe doesn’t want that. Like, trust me, she _really_ doesn’t want that. And I don’t know, maybe at this point neither do I.”

“Uuuh, yeah right!” Emily let out a rude snort. “I just don’t understand. I’ve literally never seen anyone love someone the way that you love Chloe. What’s _happening_ in the world right now?”

Beca felt her fingers twitch; she didn’t really like it when people talked about that so openly. It was kind of embarrassing being that girl, the one who was in love with someone who didn’t love her back...even though that was kind of her M.O. - since she had been doing it since college. “Well, that doesn’t really mean anything. You can’t love someone who doesn’t want you.”

“She does, though! Chloe loves you. Like, I _know_ that. _Everyone_ knows that. Like, how do you even know that she doesn’t? You’re being _so_ stupid.”

“How am I the one being stupid? Why does everyone always call me stupid first? Why can’t Chloe be the stupid one sometimes?” She barked.

“You’re stupid for not seeing it.”

Beca sat back with a thump, her mouth slightly open, “And how am I supposed to see it?” Beca cried, her voice rising in indignation.

“Maybe you just don’t want to see it. Maybe it just doesn’t _look like you want it to_ , so you’re refusing to see it.”

“I never said that I didn’t think she loved me, Em.”

“What? Well then?” Emily all but shouted, her hands flailing wildly in that oh so Emily way.

“Yeah, well.” She gave a jerk of one shoulder, admitting something she hadn’t wanted to thus far, “Sometimes that isn’t enough. And, and - and, I didn’t, like, I didn’t say...whatever...I’m going to lose her now. I can tell. Like, I’m sure of it. It might not be tomorrow, or next week, it might be in a month but I’m going to lose her.” She saw Emily staring at her blankly so she continued on in a rush, “We can’t be just friends, dude. Like, we can’t survive that. We...I...I dunno which.”

It was so confusing. She would have said they were in love, she really would have. Oh god, that was so lame to say. What the fuck was this woman doing do her? ‘They were in love’ what the fuck? She didn’t fucking wax poetic. She wasn’t her dad.

Except, she would have. She had; she was sure of it a few days ago. Their situation was kind of fucked up, yes, maybe on both sides, but she had thought that they were all - in love - and stuff.

But then again, hopeful thinking? Why would Chloe love her? Fucking Chloe Beale. That didn’t even make sense.

Emily huffed, her nostrils flaring as she crossed her arms, angry, “You’re both being so stupid. You have to make up. Right now. Where is she? Go and see her.”

“Pretty sure she’s in Henderson.”

“Well, why aren’t _you_ there with her? You were supposed to go, right? And also, this,” she jabbed a finger into the scab on Beca’s neck, making her yowl, “I know Hunny’s handywork and that is _so_ not okay!”

“Dude! The _fuck?_ ” Beca cowered, trying hard not to show the sick regret on her face.

Emily just stared back at her, obviously offended on Chloe’s behalf.

“ _Dude,_ you’re not getting it.” Beca cried, letting out a frustrated growl and strangling the air, ““Yes,” She all but shouted, seeing the look on Emily’s face, "I'm fully aware that at one point this was kind of my fault, okay? Fuck, I get it! I didn't say what I wanted, okay? I asked her to read my mind and then got all pissed when she couldn't! I've come to terms with that. I'm a fucking idiot. Okay? Fine! But, it doesn't matter anymore! She - doesn't - want - me. Yeah, maybe she likes having sex with me, maybe she likes kissing me and playing house a little, and I know she all best-friendy-loves me - but she doesn't want me – like,"  she shifted, uncomfortable, “I dunno, like anything more serious than that. Like, _ugh_ like _want_ – want me."

"Ugh,” Emily cried, " _Who says_ she doesn't?"

But Beca ignored her, "Whatever. The point is, she’s not going to take me to Marcy or in front of Nick’s whole family. That would have made us a couple, Em. The dreaded fucking C word. And if she did it would be all ‘oooh, this is my best friend, Beca’ ‘this is my bestie’ ‘look, it’s my best friend, Bec’!” Beca mimicked in a high voice, her hands waving in the air.

“So what?”

Beca scowled, “What does that mean? I’m not just her best friend, dude! Not anymore! If I ever fucking was, I don’t even know anymore.”

“This is what I mean! What’s wrong with you, Beca? I mean, so what? She was still basically in a relationship with you, _is_ ,” Emily smacked her arm, making her jump and yell, “in a relationship with you. Why can’t it be without a label? For whatever crazy Chloe dumb reason, she can’t handle a title right now, but that didn’t mean that she wasn’t your freaking girlfriend! She, like, _really_ was.”

“It can, it’s not that, ugh, _you_ don’t fucking get it, it’s about the message she sends me every time she insists that we’re not together. She doesn’t have to do that, Emily, she chooses to. She’s _saying_ something.”

“I can’t believe how dumb you’re being.”

“I TOLD HER I LOVED HER AND SHE DIDN’T EVEN SAY IT BACK, EMILY!”

“When?” Emily shot back, “Like thirty seconds before you walked out of the door? Before you went on a date? God, I can’t believe you went on a date! Whhhyyyyyy did you go on a date?”

This attitude of Emily’s was kind of starting to piss her off. She liked Emily’s weird Beca-like blunt moments but what the fuck? “In fucking _October, Emily_.”

“Oh. Shoot.”

“Yeah.” Beca snarled, leaning back and getting comfortable again, knowing she had just won, “Exactly. Merry fucking Christmas to me.”

Emily’s eyebrows were drawn, thinking hard of a way that she could still make this work. Clearly, she couldn’t think of anything so she just slumped back too. “I still think you’re wrong. I still think that you guys weren’t meeting each other in the middle. I still think she loves you.”

“Dude!”

“I mean like, wait,” Emily turned back to her, “have you ever thought about _Nick_? Maybe she has a reason for not being ready for a title.”

But Beca didn't want to hear about Nick so she didn't answer, letting them fall into silence for a minute.

“God!” Beca finally shouted, “I want a cigarette so badly!” Emily laughed but that too fell silent. She glanced at her friend, the woman who had once been that upbeat, cheerful little Legacy. The crazy thing was that through all of this, she could still see that girl in there. “You have to stop drinking, Em.”

Emily’s face dropped into pale, “What? I’m not, I haven’t-”

“Em.” Was this a good moment to, what, take her hand? What would Chloe do? Chloe would be touching her in some way, all about the physical support. She reached forward and took her hand but it felt weird – not her at all - so she dropped it again and gave her a small shove. “Emily.”

“What? I’m _not_!”

“I can smell it on you, pea brain.”

Emily started, her lip beginning to tremble, her eyes instantly spilling over, “Look, you don’t understand. It’s fucking impossible.”

“It’s not. It’s just hard. But like -”

Emily let out a giggle, “Pot. Kettle. Hi, you’re black.”

“Yeah well, I’m an imperfect being. But - you have to stop. You should be with Benji today.”

“Well. We all have our crosses to bear.”

“God, sometimes you sound so much like me. Or Hunny. No. Sit back down. We’re going to talk about this. Talk to me. Like, what’s your deal? This album is going to be amazing but it’s like you fucking hate it, dude. I kind of can’t help but to think that it was kind of the album that pushed you off the wagon. Am I like totally crazy? Because I feel like a dick who ruined your sobriety – again.”

“No, it wasn’t you. But um.” Emily shifted, looking like a pot about to boil and then suddenly exploded, “I do hate it!’ Emily flopped bodily back onto the couch, “I _hate_ this job! I don’t want to do it. I hate it! I don’t know why I ever thought it was what I wanted to do. I hate it so much and like, I so am not good enough for it. This is stupid.” Beca blinked, thrown by the sudden rant, “Everyone wants me to make this great stuff but I’m not that great! No! No! Don’t even argue! I suck! That is just a fact, Becs! Oh come on, I only got into the Bellas because I’m a _Junk_ . I’m a legacy. It wasn’t my voice. It wasn’t my dancing. All of the girls were drunk and I’m a Junk. My mom even told me that was how it was going to go! She literally said you guys were going to let me in ‘thanks to her’. I mean, what the freak is that? And yeah, I sold ‘Flashlight’ but I only sold ‘Flashlight’ because _you_ produced it. And, and, okay, and, come on Becs, I literally _only_ became a Bella captain because I was the _only one_ not graduating! And you _know_ that my Bellas were never as good as yours, you know that. Don’t even freaking, fraking argue. Then I made this stupid album and yeah, it did _okay_ , not freaking great or anything and now I’m supposed to do another one and, and, ugh! I’m just supposed to be fine? Like, how do people do that? I hate being this way. I don’t want to be.”

“Okay, okay, whoa! Look, hey,” this time she took her hand and didn’t let go, “we can work on this.”

Emily kicked at the table, her tears fast.

“Em. We can do this. Together.”

 

****

 

Chloe couldn’t have been happier when two days later, she opened her front door and found Emily standing there.

Her heart jumped instantly into her throat.

“Hey, friend.” Emily gave her a small smile and then squeaked when Chloe was suddenly on her. She wrapped her arms around her neck tightly, forgetting for a moment that Emily might need to breathe, frantically holding onto her like her life depended on it. She was so happy to see her. She had been so worried about her. And oh god, she had been _so_ lonely. She could smell wine on the girl but she hugged her anyway. “I tried coming over like, you know, actually _on_ Christmas but you weren’t here.”

“Yeah.” Chloe frowned, interlocking their hands and pulling her inside, “I went to Henderson.”

“Oh yeah? How was it? How was your Christmas?”

Chloe cuddled deeper into the Beca sweater she had stolen, pulling the hood up over her curls, “Oh Emily, it was _terrible!_ ”

It really had been. She had found herself on the highway after leaving Beca’s condo and she just...hadn’t stopped. She had shown up late in Henderson and a few days early. And she had regretted her decision to go early immediately. Nick and Jenny had been in the middle of a video game war, both in their pajamas while The Beach Boys sang about Christmas on the stereo. The tree had been light and fragrant, and everything about it had just felt so homey - not her home - but the whole place had given off a warm, happy couple kind of glow.

It had broken her heart to be there alone.

It had made her ache for a home glowing with her own warmth and happiness. Hers and - nothing is worse than being alone for the holidays.

And then _Christmas!_

She had sat there next to Nick, knowing that he was supposed to be with Jenny, who had opted to avoid the hatred of Marcy and go to her own family’s celebration, and she - all she had been able to do was wish for Beca. She was mad at Beca - but not as much as she was mad at herself. So she had smiled, smiled, smiled, hearing all of the comments, all of the accusations. It didn’t matter what was said, she just smiled while all along on the inside she had felt like one raw exposed nerve.

Emily gave her a knowing grimace, “Yeah, ours too. We watched ‘A Christmas Story’ twice and then ordered Chinese. It was - kinda pathetic.”

Chloe laughed. “This year has been so weird, hasn’t it?” She could see the decline, she could see the build up to happy, the potential for happy and then that day had come and Beca had said _‘I love you’_ and it had been a slow - or maybe not all that slow - descent since. It was hard to believe it had all happened so fast, that it had all happened this year.

“Yup.” Emily popped the ‘P’ as she took a seat.

Chloe sat across the couch from her, turning to face her and taking her hand, “How did we get here?”

“Took a wrong turn at Albuquerque,” Emily said, a bit too seriously.

It should have been funny but it just felt too true. “So, what’s up?”

Emily reached into her bag and pulled out a package, “I wanted to give you this.”

“Oh, Em!” Chloe stared at it, “I have something for you too, but it’s at Beca’s.”

“I know, she got the package the other day. Thank you, I loved it. I’m going to wear it soon.”

“Good.” She had just dropped off their gifts. She had them - there had been no point in keeping them - but she hadn’t been able to get herself to bring up to the condo. She had chickened out, a feeling that was strange, and had dropped them at the front desk, asking someone to bring them up. She was glad to know they had. She just - it had been too close to Christmas and she hadn’t been able to stand the idea of hearing about Beca’s date, or worse, going up to find that woman there.

“So you gonna open it?”

“Oh!” Chloe jumped and flashed her a smile. The box was small and she unwrapped it carefully. Inside, Chloe sucked in a breath, was a clear glass plate with the words ‘Almost Baby’s First Christmas’ and under that, written in beautifully carved calligraphy was the word, ‘Legacy’. “Oh, Em, it’s so pretty.”

Emily shrugged, blushing, “You know, from one Legacy to the other.”

“Emily!” A tear pricked at her eye and Chloe wiped it away before pulling her into a long hug and kissing her temple. “It’s beautiful. I love it.”

Emily laced their fingers together, the way they sometimes sat and Chloe scooted so she could rest her head against her youngest sister’s shoulder. “I uh, I know you said no baby anything for Christmas, um,” Emily started with a twitch, “I know you’re still worried that you’ll lose Legacy but sometimes, I don’t know, sometimes people do things even if we don’t want them to. It doesn’t mean they’re ignoring your request, it just means they have their own reasons for doing it.” Chloe knew she was trying to make a cryptic point but, unsure if she had made it Emily frowned and added, “Like dating,” and then her frown grew. “Wait. No. Errr, that was meant to come off subtle but it didn’t. Okay, let me try again, sometimes people-”

Chloe sat up, looking at her friend and Emily fell silent, “I don’t know who I’m madder at, her or _myself_ . I know I can’t be in a relationship with her, I can’t. So I should have cut her loose. Right? Is that what I should have done? I’m not even sure. It is. Right? This is my fault. I never should have started this. I never should have asked her to wait. I relied too much on Beca being honest with me about whether or not she could handle this. On _Beca_ being honest, what was I thinking?”

“Yeah, well, you did start it though. And I think pretty much everyone who knows you is glad you did.”

Chloe was shaking her head, “It doesn't matter. She can’t love me, Emily. She can’t. Not now. I can’t let her. Not when being with me would be so hard, mean so much. Not when-”

“So, I’m not calling you on anything or - anything, I so promise, but err, have you ever noticed that you give a different reason why you can’t be together every time someone asks? It kind of makes it seem like you don’t really have a real reason and so you’re just coming up with stuff.”

“That’s not true! I’ve always said that she _can’t_ love me!”

“Yeah well, are you planning on stopping gravity too? And why the frick can’t she? I mean really? Isn’t the whole point of life to find someone who loves you the way that she loves you?”

Chloe looked up fast, suddenly needing to know, “How? How does she love me? What does that mean?”

Emily just shrugged, she didn’t have the answer but neither one really needed it anyway, “She loves you the way that everyone is supposed to be loved, I guess. She loves you like Benji loved me.”

“Awe, sweetie.” She squeezed her hand, “He still does. I know it. But. Beca. It’s different. I can’t love her, Emily.”

Emily scoffs, “Sometimes I think _that_ is closer to the truth than what you said before.”

“What?” She thought back on her words, not understanding.

“You just said ‘I can’t love her’, Chlo, usually you say ‘she can’t love me’.”

Chloe blinked, startled. Had she? “I can’t. I can’t love her. It’s – it’s too – it could be -”

“God, freaking, fraking damn it, why can’t you?”

“For exactly this reason. I spent Christmas alone. She’s _dating_. She’s been gone - my Bec has been gone for weeks - longer - and I don’t even know where she went. I asked and asked but she just closed the door on me. It -” It reminded her of her early days with Nick, well, her late early days. “I don’t know, Emily! I don’t know exactly, I just know I can’t! It would ruin everything!” She looked up and was surprised to see that Emily looked like she wanted to slap her,

“What? Okay yeah, she’s doing all of that but to be fair you’ve been dangling this carrot called ‘like everything she has _ever_ wanted’ in front of her for months. If she’s acting a little screwy, then that’s,” Emily fumbled for words for a second before finishing on, “then that’s on you.”

“We can’t- I’m - I’m so -”

“Ugh, oh my god, _I know_ ! You can’t. You’ can’t, you can’t, you can’t - and that’s fine. You feel like you can’t right now. Great. But you won’t even talk to her about it. You just say this vague thing about ‘can’t _right now_ ’ and ‘not _never_ ’ but you like literally just don’t. Like, have you told her why you ‘can’t’? Do _you_ even know? And yeah, maybe you asked her to talk to you and tell you all of that flooey but it’s not like she actually can! If she does then she’ll be the dick who is pressuring the pregnant, soon to be divorced, newly gay lady!” Chloe opened her mouth to argue with that totally unfair comment but Emily cut her off, “And asking her to wait was shitty but also like kind of not shitty and stuff, I get it, and, okay, so maybe if she had just told you what you wanted but,” she groaned, looking a little dizzy, “There’s no communication at all. That’s what’s needed, right?”

Chloe’s mouth opened but what the hell could she say. Had she been doing that? Holding Beca in a corner like that? “I, uh,”

“So you’re just going to lose it all?’ Emily’s cheeks were red, flushed with anger. “The person you’re supposed to be with? Your best friend?”

“Um.”

“That’s just – that’s just so wrong! You don’t walk away from something like that! Don’t you know that? If I had any choice – Benji – you just – Bec – ugh!” Emily had apparently had enough. “Okay, I have to go. You two are the most stupid stubborn women ever.” She crumpled a little under that, her whole body sagging to the side, “I mean, I love you. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I love you. I do, but err, ugh. Yeah. Okay. Right. Bye.”

Chloe watched her go, not offended by her anger as much as surprised. Emily just wanted them to be happy.

Emily was right. She was losing _everything_.

Could they - could they just go back to being friends?

She remembered that day, the first time she had kissed her, she had remembered the overwhelming need, she still felt that need every time she saw her. It hadn’t diminished an ounce. If anything it had exponentially grown.

Could she do that? Could she turn that around and just be her friend again? Give up the kissing and the touching?

Did she have a choice?

She picked up her phone, her fingers hovering over the pad for a minute before she typed out, “Emily is a wise girl.”

A text came back a few minutes later, reading of hesitance, “Oh?”

“Yeah. Can I come over?”

* * *

Chloe couldn’t read Beca’s face at all so she wasn’t sure what it meant when Beca opened the door. Perhaps it was only that Chloe knocking at the front door was as weird for Beca as it had been for her to actually be the one doing it. Normally she just barged in, and that wasn’t just since they had become - more than friends - that had been always. Beca’s house had always been free territory to Chloe. Even Beca’s room in college had pretty much been a place that she considered to be partially her space and vice versa.

Maybe the look on her face just meant that Beca’s heart was beating with the same nervous tension that Chloe’s was.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” Beca shifted after a second, letting her inside.

She started toward the living room, ready to pull Beca down beside her but instead she stopped at the kitchen, putting her purse on the island and turning back to Beca who was watching her silently. “You’re right.” She had to just rip off the Band-Aid, saying what she had come here to say, “This hasn’t been fair to you. You shouldn’t have to wait. And you shouldn’t have to get dragged into something because I showed up on your doorstep totally unannounced one day. And things...things _can_ be ruined. You were right, Bec.” It was so strange being this uncomfortable with Beca of all people. “So,” she took a deep breath, “I’m not going to make you anymore.”

Beca’s eyes narrowed.

“Friends?” She gave her a soft, crooked smile, hoping it was genuine enough but also welcoming enough.

Beca stared, her face frozen, looking like she felt sick. She stared so long, unmoving that Chloe’s discomfort only grew.

“Beca?”

Was this a rejection? Was this a no, I don’t want you in my life? Because she -

Finally, Beca let out a shaky laugh and nodded once.

Oh, thank god.

See, they could do this. They could totally do this. For a second she felt the strange urge to give her a high five, proud of them. They totally had this. Yeah. Totally.

“Can I - can I maybe hug you?” She winced for a second, thinking that Beca was going to say no; she looked like she was considering it. Then she gave another curt nod.

She worked hard to move slowly, to not squeeze too tight but - she realized that she didn’t know how to hug her - not anymore. She had been hugging her so her face fell into her neck for so long - always - but the thought of her lips brushing Beca’s throat was too much. “So what are you doing tonight? Do you want to get dinner?”

“Um, sure,” Beca’s voice was gravelly and rough but she nodded.

“Cooking or going out?”

Beca looked around, her face pained again. “Let’s, maybe let’s go out.”

 

But dinner was _terrible_.

 

They both were trying, she could tell, but each little thing was awkward. Beca drove them and it was strange when Chloe didn’t reach over and put her hand on her thigh. She didn’t give her a wink, she didn’t run her finger up and down it, trying to tease, to see how much of a reaction she could get from Beca at a stop light. She didn’t simply put her hand there to touch her, just to maintain contact while they talked. Somehow Chloe’s left hand, the one that should have been in Beca’s lap, felt hot and itchy the entire drive, too heavy in her own lap like it was glowing red, pointing out the fact that it was not where it should be.

They got to the restaurant and they were placed toward the back with all of the other two person tables. Which shouldn’t have been awkward, they were always placed in this section since they were always going out just the two of them – like – always. It was clear, though that most of the people around them were on dates, some first dates with awkward too loud laughter and others who were old hands at their relationships and sat just a little closer, giving one another knowing looks; and though they tried to simply ignore it, they both noticed – and tried not to wonder what they looked like.

Did they look like a couple who had recently broken up? Did they look like a couple in that dreaded ‘let’s stay friends’ stage? She had never had a lot of success with that. She always wanted to, she missed her exes when they were gone but that stage had always gone poorly. Chloe had to bend over and dig through her purse for nothing in particular to calm the onslaught of tears that threatened to burst free.

When they both wanted the same dish they shifted a bit awkwardly and decided to both order it - when normally they would have ordered one and then something else and just split the two. They would have started out with two forks, picking across each other’s plates until eventually one fork was left behind or accidently switched and eventually they were finishing off both plates together, passing them back and forth, unsure who had whose fork or who had ordered which dish.

When Chloe finished her water and couldn’t catch the eye of the waiter Beca habitually slipped her glass over, not thinking twice and Chloe drank it. It wasn’t until it was gone that Chloe frowned, her thanks coming out strangely.

Then the bill came and it was the worst moment of discomfort yet. They both looked at it, both with wallets in hand and it had been like negotiating a peace treaty. Paying for things had never been a thing between them, sometimes Beca paid, sometimes Chloe paid – always, it had always been like that since the very first time that Chloe bought Beca a coffee in the student union. They had never thought twice about it because it wasn’t a big deal, whomever didn’t get this one would inevitably get next.

Did the awkwardness, the friendly struggle of ‘I got it’, ‘no really, I got it’ mean that they both were worried that there wouldn’t be a next time?

Chloe had been at a loss the entire way home, her mind constantly and confusedly humming, _‘I’ve got my ticket for the long way round’_ as if it were a question she didn’t know how to answer.

 

****

 

Yeah, that just – that really just hadn’t worked.

Beca was trying, she really fucking was, but she just didn’t see how the hell they were going to be friends. ‘Friends’ for them didn’t look right, it didn’t look like everyone else’s friendships - it was too close to - not just friends. None of this felt freaking natural. They were both too quiet, too weirded out.

They were just putting off the inevitable. But Beca owed it to Chloe to try, right? She had to kind of - do that.

She didn’t know why but they didn’t just end the evening there. Apparently, they were both gluttons for punishment. So Beca curled up into a ball in the corner of her couch and watched as Chloe stretched out, her toes coming close to Beca’s thigh but never actually touching it. Which was - just - so freaking weird - there were no legs in her lap, no toes digging under her thighs for warmth. They both looked at one another awkwardly for a second before Beca laughed, looking down at Chloe’s toes. She loved her toes, they were fucking adorable. Which, sounded weird, but she did. “Your toenail polish is chipped! I think I’ve only seen that like twice ever. You okay, dude? Someone switch you for a different version of Chloe?”

Chloe chuckled stiffly, curling her toes as though she were a little embarrassed as she confessed, “It’s getting harder and harder to reach my feet to do them.”

They laughed together but it was forced and it died quickly when Beca opened her mouth to offer to do them and realized that maybe she shouldn’t.

Oh come on, this was stupid.

They could do this!

This was - them - come on!

“So I signed the divorce papers.”

Beca blinked, “Oh yeah? How was that? Are you okay?”

“Yeah. It will take a while before it comes through. I cried, a lot more than I thought I would but it’s done now. It was strange being in Henderson though, knowing that everyone knew we had signed them.”

“Oh yeah. How, err, how was Christmas?” She wished that Chloe had put her feet in her lap, at least then she would have something to fiddle with while she did her best not to look at her and while she tried to ignore this totally shitty feeling in her stomach.

“It was fine.” She could tell by how brightly Chloe was smiling that she was lying. “You? How was your Christmas?”

“You know, whatever. We watched movies.”

Chloe nodded, “How is Emily? When she came over earlier I was so busy thinking about other things that I forgot that I wanted to talk to her about everything.”

“Everything?”

“You know.” Chloe’s lips twisted strangely with her nerves. “How _is_ she?”

“I’m surprised you saw her honestly. I told her that we needed to work on what’s going on with her, that we should do it together but she’s been locked in her room pretty much since then. It’s like living with an alcoholic hermit that’s afraid of her own shadow.”

She watched Chloe’s face morph into concern, “Beca, we have to do something. We’ve been so selfish, our friend is drowning and we’re worrying about relationship drama.”

Beca wanted to laugh, feeling her defenses rising. Yeah, well, it was a lot harder being the rejectee, wasn’t it? Maybe it was a little more thought consuming. “What would you like to do? I mean, I thought about hog-tying her so she can’t grab a bottle but that just seemed a little harsh. And plus like, I’m not even sure how or where to buy that kind of rope? Like, do they sell that at Home Depot? Or-”

“Beca! This isn’t funny.”

“I’m not saying it is but please don’t come in here and act like I haven’t been trying to figure it out.” Beca snapped.

“We need to call Benji.”

“ _Chloe!_ ” Beca groaned. Okay yeah, last night that had seemed like a good plan, but now in the face of the woman who was rejecting her, just like Benji was rejecting Emily, it seemed less so. Then again, she was a child sometimes and maybe she was just saying no now because Chloe was saying yes. “That’s just, eerrgh, it's not right. Okay, like I’ve been saying,” she said slowly, too slowly, “let’s do something you and I or maybe with the Bellas but don’t include her boyfriend - who kicked her out - for drinking. It’s not our choice. We shouldn’t just decide that Benji and Emily are going to make up. I’m probably going to have to put her album on hold as it is if she keeps behaving this way. Don’t fucking do that.”

“Who else is she going to listen to but the person she loves?”

Beca knew her eye roll was a little extreme, but really? The person she loves? Doors weren’t opened, clouds didn’t part because of love like Chloe seemed to think they did. “Look, if Benji is going to kick her out for behaving like a typical alcoholic and having a fucking hard time then fuck him. He’s not fighting for her, dude! He doesn’t deserve her.”

“Okay, Beca, come on. That is not what’s happening.”

“God, just stop sticking your nose in everyone else’s problems. You act like the world can’t get by without you. This is us, Emily and I, we got this.”

“Oh so I’m not a part of ‘us’ anymore, Bec? I don’t get to be in the club now? Is that it, Beca?”

“God, you act like, you act like everyone in the world freaking needs you in order to survive!”

“I do not!”

“Yes! Yes you freaking do, dude! Like we couldn’t _possibly_ get along without you!”

“Alright!” Chloe snapped, clapping her hands together once, her face pale except for two dark splotches at her cheeks. “ _Our problems aside_ , and yes, I know you’re really talking about us now, _Beca_ , Benji needs to know how bad it is! Maybe we should call her sponsor. It’s our job to do something. She’s drowning!”

“I’ll figure it out, Chloe, _fuck_! But I’m not calling Benji!” Beca wasn’t even sure how they had gone from okay-ish, awkward yeah and maybe hating it, to straight up fighting so quickly. Maybe because Chloe was right and they weren’t really fighting about Emily.

“Okay. You know what? _Fine!_ Whatever! Do what you want! You always do anyway! Beca Mitchell! That’s what she does! Who – who freaking cares how it makes other people feel!”

She watched Chloe rise as she spoke.

“What does that-”

She knew she was leaving, knew she should stop her but she didn’t, couldn’t.

Instead Beca just watched the door Chloe had gone through, chewing hard on her lip and trying to bury the fucking freak out.

This wasn’t going to work.

Absurdly and without any reason words drifted through her mind, making her bite down hard on her cheek: _‘_ _Two bottle whiskey for the way...’_

 


	15. Chapter 15

Beca hadn’t really meant for this song to become a thing – this thing - any thing at all. It  was just supposed to be a fun little thing to do because she couldn’t keep her mind off of it. That was all. A little homemade therapy. No big deal.

But apparently she had just lost control of all of her senses at some point since Chloe had stomped from the condo because she had been crying, she had been hoping, she had been fighting, she had been doing everything that was so totally not like herself. So much that she didn’t even know who she was anymore.

Was it possible for _you_ to be the one who was body snatched and just not know it? Because that would explain so much. That would make her feel better. And that would be so fucking much better than believing that she had grown into a person who actually gave a crap...again. She still didn’t know how it happened the first time. She had just tripped and fallen and suddenly a capella, those girls, the team - Chloe - Aubrey - Jesse - it had all been important to her. She had never agreed to it. It had just happened.

Ugh, she kind of wished it hadn’t happened again.

She had _just_ freaking wanted to keep her mind busy while she was kind of stressed and really not sure what to do with or about Chloe. She hadn’t meant to keep her heart busy too.

It was just a song.

Just a pretty little stupid song.

So when had this song - this stupid little ballad become about Chloe?

No, that wasn’t totally right. It wasn’t about Chloe - at least not only about Chloe - it was about Willa too.

Which...yeah.

God, she hated that name.

She had never thought of herself as Willa’s mom. Yes, she wanted Chloe but she had never really _let_ herself think about what that would mean for the baby. It was bad enough trying to think that way about Chloe, trying to find a way - she couldn’t think it about Willa too.

Only.

It had happened.

She had tried to go on with life after Chloe had left. She had cleaned up, gathered what she needed to do in life, gone to Starbucks...she had made a valiant effort that day. Only… She had seen this little girl, this adorable little redheaded girl when she was at Starbucks and it had ruined her. This freaking adorable little curly haired redhead in a black and white polka dot dress had been dancing in the middle of the cafe and it had just fucking hit her. And she knew she had been fooling herself. She had gone home and completely fallen apart because...

The more that Chloe pushed her away, the more that the situation went south, the more Beca felt. This was partially her fault. This was more than partially her fault. She had forgotten that for like  minute - or maybe she hadn't but she had kind of let herself get wrapped up in anger that may or may not have been a little self righteous.

And now it was too late.

Fuck, either way, she felt like the Grinch at the end of the movie, being forced to suddenly have this giant, stupid fucking heart, so large that it might as well be a bullseye in her chest.

She hadn’t asked for this.

After the little redhead.... she had already been playing with it, she already had a baseline and this beautiful little melody - but now - the lyrics were coming. They were coming like they had never come before.

Unbidden.

They were pouring out of her like bitter wine. She had been up all night. In tears. Which…sucked.

The lyrics had come and as they did she had realized how true they were - and she had started to cry. God, she had been crying so much as of late, what the actual fucking fuck?

But.

She knew where things were headed. She could see the natural divide looming in the distance and she _knew_ that she wasn’t going to know that little girl who - okay, she had been fighting it, but who had her heart so thoroughly.

Maybe it wasn’t even maternal. It wasn’t. Right? It wasn’t maternal, not – not totally – not really – not at all…maybe.

She wasn’t allowed to love her - she wasn’t allowed to love either of them - but she did. It had been inevitable and maybe it was time that she admitted that. She loved Chloe so how could she not love this tiny thing that would come from her? This little thing that was so much a part of her. This little thing that had taken so much of Beca’s world over the last months.

In whatever way - for whatever reason she loved them.

She felt gross as she took her first break all night long, letting her head rest against her arms, her face felt grimy from the fallen tears and her back was sore from slumping over the desk that way.

So she closed her eyes, hiding. Maybe she would sleep now. Maybe she would sleep and then she would get up and she would work, she would do her job and then she would move on and she would take it one day at a time until she forgot that the ache in her chest hadn’t been there once – that it hadn’t always been there. It would fade. She would grow used to it. It would become a part of her. She would even start to forget about it, and then something would happen and she would feel it again, not that it had ever disappeared – but then, it would fade again. It would be part of life. She would move on.

She squeezed her eyes closed tighter, praying she would fall asleep, that she would start the process. Instead, she could suddenly smell the scent of a giant maple tree, of sunshine and grass. Instead of sleeping she remembered a day with her father - a good day - mostly.

He had taken her out on a picnic, leaving her mom behind. She was just getting old enough that hanging out with dad wasn’t exactly fun; she was too cool for that, right? So she had agreed but with a thick layer of pre-teenage snark. Then the spirit of a child had slipped through her once they got to the park in the way it can only happen in your tweens and she had pulled herself up and into a tree, finding a comfortable spot and pretending to ignore her dad below her.

He hadn’t seemed upset by this, or maybe he had even expected it. Unperturbed, he had set up a blanket and proceeded to stretch out in the spring sun. He had been quiet so long that Beca had thought maybe he was taking a nap – which of course had pissed her off. It was so like her dad to actually _spend some time_ with her and then to freaking sleep through it. Great. Dick. She had just been wondering if she could make it back home on foot, if she could take off and just leave him when he spoke, surprising her so much that she had nearly fallen out of her tree.

She would never forget what he said:

“You know, Bec, one day - one really - awesome day in your future you’re going to have something amazing happen to you.”

She had wanted to pretend she wasn’t intrigued, she didn’t really care what he had to say, he never really listened to what she had to say so why should she care? She scoffed, resettling herself against the branch and, despite herself asked, “What?”

“One day, sweetheart, you’re going to come across this strange anomaly called _love_.”

Beca had rolled her eyes, annoyed with herself for being intrigued at all.

“No, no, Beca, really, I mean it. As cliché as you think it is now, one day you’re going to find it. And not just any love either, no, you’re going to find that one _magic_ love, the kind of love that will part the seven seas. The kind of love that you would do anything for, you would _be_ anything for. There are few things we are blessed with in this life and love is one of them. And you only get one. I know that people say that’s not true but it is. You only get one.”

She hadn’t understood it at the time, thinking her literarily focused dad was just going on about stupid shit again. He always had these stupid grand ideas about the world, like he thought that everything was based in Shakespeare. It was just stupid.

Then when he had left their small family a week later she had assumed that he had been talking about his mistress and now current wife. She had always thought that he was simply explaining in advance that he was in love, in ‘ _magic love_ ’ – with Sheila – the most boring woman in the world - and therefore she couldn’t be mad at him for taking off and moving to the south; but writing this song she had finally understood.

He hadn’t been.

He had been _warning_ her. It had been one of the few good parenting things he had done.

She had pushed it away. She hadn’t given it a chance to bloom. And why? Because she was afraid to say she needed more? Because she was stubborn and wanted Chloe to _just know_? Because without the title it looked a little different from planned?

It hurt.

Either way, it hurt.

The fact that it was too late hurt.

And so this song - it was soothing the wound in her heart.

Of course she loved her.

Beca _was_ Chloe’s. She would have loved her always, despite Nick, despite not being allowed to. She would have loved her.

She would love her.

And Willa would never know that there was this person out there, somewhere in the world, who was loving her - and her mother.

Because she could feel it in her gut, she could feel it and she knew. It was over. They couldn’t just be friends. It wasn’t in the cards for them. And Chloe didn’t want more.

_It was over._

After so many years of hope and love and loss and friendship, it had to be over.

And she didn’t know how she was going to survive it.

So the song was pouring out of her.

She didn’t need to be her wife.

She didn’t need to be her parent.

She just wanted to be allowed to love her - to love them.

And fuck it, if nothing else, even if she never gave Chloe the song, she could use it for Kendra. A sappy ass super sad song like this would work really well as the key ballad for her album.

She chuckled against the desk, pulling her salty eyes open as she felt her phone vibrate.

The text was from Elle.

She hadn’t been talking to her a lot, now that her head was clearer she wasn’t sure that it was the best idea for her to jump into someone else’s bed once - all of this - was over, but they had exchanged a few texts. This one was asking her how she felt about making New Year’s plans together.

Beca frowned; she had no idea what her New Year’s plans would be. Before - back in the land of...happy...when Chloe was by her side and Emily and Benji still looked at one another like they never wanted to look away...they had all had plans to spend the holiday together. Emily had planned a party at the condo - which was the biggest apartment. There was going to be finger foods and stupid hats that no one would look good in except for Chloe, and pots to bang and streamers that read 2017 over and over again.

It was going to be cheesy but both Emily and Chloe loved cheesy shit like that and Beca loved them loving it.

What would she do now? She thought seriously about ordering a few bottles of champagne and taking a cue from Emily. She could hide up in her room, get drunk and watch ‘Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve’. She could boo and hiss and throw popcorn at the TV when pop singers that were not her clients came on and sounded like shit, singing shit songs.

She wiped under her eyes and frowned.

Maybe she _should_ go out with Elle again. Elle was pretty cool and moving on seemed like the smartest thing she could be doing, just – slowly – maybe? She wondered if she could convince Elle to throw on some jeans and go out with _her_ on New Year’s instead of to another black tie event. It was always kind of fun breaking down the walls of these uptight women, wasn’t it? It was the main reason why she was ever able to become friends with Aubrey.

Maybe Emily would even actually come out of her room and they could have a chill fun night together.

She didn’t know but she shoved her phone back in her pocket without answering and stood. She needed to take a shower and get ready for her day. She had Hope that morning as well as Emily.

Which...yeah...

She came down her stairs slowly, not really wanting to pull herself from the bubble of her at-home studio and knocked on Emily’s door. She hadn’t really expected to hear a reply; clearly their talk had actually had a negative effect on Emily instead of a motivating one. Which – was kind of exactly what she had been afraid of. Beca wasn’t good at that shit. She kind of just made it worse. She made everything worse.

“Emily? Hey, um, can I talk to you real quick?”

She pressed her ear to the door but heard nothing.

“Emily, look, you’ve got a recording session today at two, please, uh, you know, show up. You like, _really_ , really, really, can’t miss it today.”

God damn it, she wished that she would at least let her know she heard her.

“Seriously, I do still have to answer to P.J. a little bit.”

She pushed the door open but the room was empty.

Damn it.

Fuck.

Fine.

She closed it and got into the shower.

 

She was feeling pretty good by the time that Hope was done recording that day. Elle wasn’t there so the girl had opened up totally, giving into the fun of what she was doing. They had put on some music and had a little dance party where Hope had just totally let loose. It had been great to see; although, what had been better was watching the look on Linda’s face as she saw her daughter really love what she was doing.

It had been mesmerizing and she hadn’t been able to look away. She really didn’t know how she felt about getting a girl as young as Hope this far into pop culture, but it was so clear that Linda loved seeing her daughter shine like this.

Emily didn’t show up but Beca hadn’t been expecting her to. Instead, she had kept Hope around and together they had popped some popcorn and watched YouTube clips of the Bellas and the Trebles which had - actually been a lot more fun than she had thought it would be. She had laughed with the girl, throwing popcorn at the screen whenever Bumper came on and telling her inside stories about each of the girls and what they were up to now. She had done a good job, she thought, when after strategically avoiding the topic for over an hour Hope had finally asked about the redhead who always seemed to be at her side. Her voice hadn’t wavered as she told her about Chloe.

“Is she still your best friend? ‘Cuz my best friend, Tori, says we’re going to be best friends forever and I’m pretty sure she’s right.”

“Yeah,” Beca had shrugged a little and shoved a handful of popcorn into her mouth, “she’s still my best friend, she’ll always be my best friend. I’m sure you and Tori will be too.”

Hope had clearly loved the whole day.

Maybe it was the good day, maybe it was just knowing that these were their last moments as ‘friends’ but either way when she got home and found Chloe in her kitchen making her dinner she hadn’t been upset.

She tried not to notice how fucking cute she was getting with that baby bump. It was officially getting large enough that when she wore her tight yoga gear, like she was now, a tiny amount of skin showed between the gap of her pants and her shirt. Which – cute – adorable.

“You look all yoga-y and comfortable.”

Chloe glanced down at herself and gave her a small smile, reaching up and letting her hair cascade down in waves.

The sight did funny things to Beca’s heart.

“I started a class a few afternoons.”

“Teaching or taking?”

“Both. Teaching Saturday and Sunday and taking on Wednesday, Thursday.”

“That’s great, Chlo.” She pulled herself up onto the kitchen island and watched her, sitting cross-legged just as she used to when Chloe lived there.

Chloe saw her do it and hesitated before putting the spoon down. Beca frowned when she turned and put her hands on Beca’s knees.

“I’m sorry. About the fight, I’m -”

Beca nodded; she already knew that, “It’s cool. Uh, same.”

“We just -” Chloe searched for words but Beca just nodded again.

“Yeah.”

“Right. Okay.”

She knew, despite the fact that they weren’t saying it, that Emily and her - current situation - was now in the list of things they just weren’t going to talk about; that they didn’t know how to talk about.

Which was - weird - so fucking weird. That just - it wasn’t how they fucking worked. Yeah, maybe sometimes they would have things that were weird and kind of awkward - or they could have things that _Beca_ refused to talk about - but that was always when the no-nonsense version of Chloe would kick in. She would force it, she would make them talk about it, dragging an unwilling Beca through it over and over until they were good again and everything was normal. That was how Chloe had come to know so many of Beca’s secrets, it was how they had discussed her sex life with Jesse, how they had talked about her parents and so on. And it wasn’t as though it was just Beca, Chloe would always share then too. It was how they had learned about one another.

For a second, just _one tiny_ second, she wished that Chloe would do that again, put her foot down and refuse to move on until they had talked it _all_ out, using her feminine wiles to pull answers from Beca that she didn’t want to give - and then it would all be out there and in the open.

But she knew that Chloe couldn’t, not this time - not on this subject. And getting her to talk shouldn’t be on her.

“So I’ve been thinking about throwing a New Year’s party.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah,” Chloe gave a little shrug and her lips did that thing - that thing that Beca loved so much. She looked away, wishing yet again that she had a cigarette, “I kind of thought that maybe Emily wasn’t up to throwing hers anymore and Nick and Jenny sound like they could use a break. I thought it might be nice for them to come into our,” she cleared her throat, her eyelashes fluttering, “my world for a while.”

“Cool!” Beca did her best to pretend she hadn’t noticed that slip-up, “What are you going to do?”

“Nothing too big, I don’t think. A few games. Bang some pots and pans at midnight.”

“Sounds good to me.”

Chloe nodded again, “So um,” she sounded like she suddenly had cotton in her throat, “how is - I don’t think you told me her name? The girl - woman, I mean.”

“Elle?”

“Yeah, Elle.”

This was fucking uncomfortable. “She’s good. Yeah, she’s good.”

“Good.” Chloe gave a little nod that rocked her whole body in a wave, “You know, if you want to bring her to New Year’s then you can, you know.”

Beca frowned, “Does, uh, does that mean - are you bringing - err - someone? No big deal, just curious. I mean, I guess you only just decided to have this party and err,”

“No.” Chloe finally cut her off, “I can’t really see anyone wanting to date a six-month along pregnant lady.”

“Oh I dunno, Chlo, I’m sure there are a bunch of people out there.” She winked and tried to laugh but, though they both knew it was a joke neither seemed to be able to laugh at it.

She hated it but she knew she was right. Pregnant or not, people would line up to date Chloe.

They _should_ line up for Chloe.

And Chloe would probably date them.

Fuck, she couldn’t watch that happen.

Not again.

She didn’t get it. They were pushing and shoving, trying so hard to fit themselves into this role of friends but - it seemed kind of impossible. What happened to her resolve to walk away?

“What does she look like?”

Beca nearly fell off the counter, “What?” she squeaked.

Chloe just shrugged, giving her an innocent smile, “What does she look like?” She hedged, “Is she pretty?”

“I don’t know, Chlo!” She cried fast, trying not to think about how true that kind of was. She wasn’t sure.

“Oh come on, Bec, this is what friends do! We tell each other things like this.”

“She uh, I dunno, I guess? Um, she has, you know, hair on her head and um, lips and eyes.”

Chloe rolled her eyes, “Really?”

“I know, right? Surprising, but yeah, she really does have hair.” Beca clicked her tongue.

She didn’t - god, this wasn’t what she wanted.

‘****’

She was trying _so_ hard, so freaking hard.

It was tense, but it had been tense before she had asked about Elle too.

She couldn’t help that question. She had to know. She had been putting it off for what felt like forever.

But more than that - they had to do this; they had to be able to manage.

They had to find ‘Bloe’ again.

They _had_ to.

She could feel - oh god, she could feel a feeling that was so horrible that she didn’t know what to do with it. She could feel them fading, shying away from the parts that were hard - but the problem was everything was hard right now.

They were disappearing right before her eyes and they _couldn’t!_

They had to find their friendship again, they had to do it. She didn’t know how or when they had lost it, but it had to happen.

Though, if she were being honest with herself, she thought she might die if some gorgeous new woman of Beca’s showed up at her apartment on New Year’s.

Elle.

That made her sound – ugh – beautiful.

All she could picture was a tall, absolutely gorgeous blonde with startlingly green smoky cat eyes and pale, neutral lips. She would, of course, be the type of person who wore Toms and Keds ironically, someone who made a simple tee and a rolled up pair of jeans look sexy. She would, of course, be the type of woman who laughed with her head thrown back while swirling a jack and coke in her glass or hanging out with a beer.

She tried not to, but she imagined that all through dinner; their small talk never enough to pull it completely from her mind.

She had meant it. If Beca showed up with the woman then Chloe would let her in, she would take her coat and she would try to pretend that it wasn’t strange, or that it didn’t hurt every time that the woman touched Beca. She would do it for her sake. For their sake.

Still, when she looked across the table at Beca she couldn’t help but to imagine what it would be like if someone else was the one to reach over and clear that speck of food away from her lip.

It would be like watching her with Hunny - only a million times worse.

It would be unbearable.

“So.” It looked like it had just kind of popped from Beca’s mouth as she sat down on the couch and Chloe wanted to laugh, would have laughed at Beca’s obvious discomfort, if she hadn’t been feeling so confused about the awkwardness herself.

“So?”

“So.” Beca gave her a small smile and blushed. God, how was she supposed to do this when Bec was that beautiful and she was looking at her in that Beca way, all shy and embarrassed. “You’re really starting to look pregnant. It looks like you tied half a basketball to your stomach.”

Chloe laughed, perhaps a little too hard in her strain, “Yeah, I know. I’m starting to get uncomfortable too. She’s growing so fast now. I tried to get to my toes this morning and I couldn’t bend over far enough, which is weird because I can bend in any other direction! There’s just this thing in my way!

“Awe,” Beca pretended to pout, “Are your toes still chipped?”

“I try not to think about it. I’m just going to have to get inventive, that’s all.” She gave her a wide grin.

“I can get them for you, it’s alright.”

Chloe felt her lip snag between her teeth, “Mmm, thanks.”

Beca just shrugged, “You’re gonna need someone, especially when you start to look like you ate a beach ball.”

She felt her lips twitching up. See, this was good. They could do this. She knew it, she had faith in them. Totes. They were awesome like that.

Though - she didn’t know if she wanted to laugh or to cry but - it was beginning to feel like this baby was not on her side. Every time that Beca started to talk, Willa moved. She was moving like crazy. It was actually making it hard for her to concentrate. She supposed she shouldn’t be surprised, she liked Beca’s voice too, but still! “Do you want to see what I discovered the other day?” She had a hard time not laughing at Beca’s face then; she looked like she wasn’t sure she trusted whatever Chloe had up her sleeve. “Oh come on.” In the effort of making things _normal_ again she leaned back and pulled her shirt up, not thinking twice about the exposed skin. It wasn’t exactly cute these days, or at least, her freckles were beginning to stretch as this baby grew and her belly button was starting to look a little weird. She wasn’t huge, she didn’t even have any stretch marks yet, but still, it wasn’t as though the skin was going to blow Beca’s mind or anything. She looked up and  saw Beca’s cheeks were pink, “Watch.” She tried to ignore Beca’s face, wanting to laugh, wanting to kiss it and instead poked a few times at her belly and just like always, there was a small - _bump_ \- at the side of her belly button.

“Whoa! Okay, how did you do that?” Beca asked, her eyes wide as another small dip and then punch came in the same spot.

“I’m not, that’s her moving.”

“Holy shit,” Beca jumped, pulling up her feet like there were mice on the floor, “it’s like fucking Alien!”

Chloe laughed, pushing again and getting the biggest warp of all.

“Dude!”

Chloe bit her lip, enjoying Beca’s reaction. She grabbed her hand and put it to the side of her belly button where she last saw the little movement. “Sheryl, my midwife, she says it’s just going to get easier and easier to see.” Beca just stared open mouthed, her face red as a tomato as there was a big bump against her hand. She looked so excited. “I think she likes your voice.” Chloe admitted, “Say something else.”

“What do I say?” Beca asked, frantic, her eyes darting from Chloe to the baby bump, to Chloe and back.

“Anything, Bec.”

“‘Kay, um, hi Legacy, are you comfortable in there?” The baby moved and Beca let out a startled, excited squeal, “This is so crazy!”

And she forgot that she wasn’t supposed to look at Beca this way anymore, too busy feeling herself melt at Beca’s happy face, at her dancing eyes. She reached over and took her other hand, placing it low on her belly. “I think, based off of how she feels and the last images that this is her head down here and this is her butt.”

“I’m touching her butt?” Chloe watched Beca giggle, her eyes sparkling.

And - oh god, she wanted to kiss her. She could feel that warmth in her chest and she didn’t want it to go away. She wanted Beca to put her head down on her belly like she used to, she wanted Beca to kiss her skin, to stroke it. God, she couldn’t love her. She couldn’t; if Beca couldn’t love her then Chloe certainly wasn’t allowed to love Beca. Even if she had always loved Beca. Bec...her fucking Bec...

It took her a second but finally she realized that Beca had gone quiet. She jumped, guiltily pulled from her thoughts and looked into Beca’s shining face, only, the shine was fading, dulling as she stared at - oh - she hadn’t realized she was stroking the fingers over her stomach. She saw Beca’s face, so joyful a second before, fill to the brim with pain. “Beca - I’m sorry - I didn’t realize -”

But Beca had already stood, moving away, “No, it’s okay. Really. It’s just some - adjusting. I uh-”

“I’m _sorry_.” Chloe could feel the tears at the back of her throat, clogging her words, making them sloppy and thick. “We’ll get through this. It will be back to normal any day now...the old normal.”

“Yeah.”

Chloe looked up into Beca’s face and she saw the lines there, she saw the way that Beca’s soul bled, she could feel it.

And she knew that - maybe...they wouldn’t.

* * *

Chloe first week of teaching had been...hard...harder than she had thought it would be. She didn’t know if that was just because she was uncharacteristically alone or if it was just that she hadn’t realized how hard teaching the children could be.

She was branching out. She was dipping her toe into the water and beginning to live her own life. By herself. Which was great. It was - exactly what she had wanted - she was pretty sure. She was trying to make quick friends with the other staff members, she was bonding with the women and men in her yoga classes and it was awesome.

… she hadn’t seen Beca...or Emily…

It was ironic, really, she had wanted to stay in L.A. for them and now…

But she wouldn’t think about that. Not when she only had one more day this week of teaching before the weekend hit. The lonely, lonely weekend.

She was loving teaching.

The kids were amazing.

She loved being surrounded by them and they were all extremely fascinated by her. She found herself laughing so much more than she thought she would at their wide eyes and absolute awe of her baby belly. She had to actively work to keep their hands off of her long enough for them to take their seats so she could teach. She didn’t mind, it was kind of adorable.

None of them, save one, it turned out, had ever known a pregnant woman before; at least not that they could remember. It was like she was some strange alien life force. She loved all of their excited little hands going up and waving in the air, crying, “Miss Beale, Miss Beale, what is the baby doing?”

It was adorable. Being at school was her favorite part of the day.

Of course all of the questions about ‘Mr. Beale’ and ‘the baby’s daddy’ were a little complicated but she was learning how to skirt around them after a few days.

Unfortunately, school being her favorite part of the day wasn’t surprising. Over the last week her life had begun to split into three again, this time purely of her own making.

Part one: school and teaching.

Part two: yoga and running - both of which she was doing in extreme amounts.

Part three: _not_ buying baby things.

She was twenty-seven weeks - she was far beyond halfway. All of the books said that now was the time to put together the nursery, before you got too tired and just in case - knock on wood - your baby came early.

She knew she should do it. She had her whole second bedroom. But she couldn’t do it.

This had become her nightly routine, just like she was doing now. Wandering around baby stores - tonight it was Babies R’ Us - looking at all of the beautiful things. Everything was so cute, so soft, so sweet. Any of it could come home with her. Any of it could be for Willa.

Only...she ran her hand down a beautiful oak crib...she just...she felt so fucking lonely when she was here doing this that she never went home with anything.

She didn’t want Nick. He was part of that team…over there…the Jenny and Nick team, but…

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to center herself, trying to reach for that positivity that had always defined her before all of this started. She knew that having the nursery would make her happy, it would make her feel prepared but, she felt tears prickling at her eyes, she was just so lonely.

She pulled out her phone and sent Beca a text, nothing serious, it had happened like this twice this week already. It was fine. They did this. Kind of.

“Just wanted to say hi.” She stared at the text as it sent, wondering why she hadn’t said more - she felt so much more - she wanted to beg her not to make her spend the weekend without her, she wanted to beg her to let things go back to how they were - she wanted to beg her to just not - forget about her. Instead all she had said was ‘just wanted to say hi’.

The response came as she was still standing there beside the crib, “Hey Chlo. Hope you two are good.”

She stared at the text, knowing she could continue, she could force it but the thought was terrible. Forcing this friendship was terrible. It wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

Instead she swallowed her tears, leaving the store and sat in her car for a while, thinking. She didn’t want to be alone this weekend. The problem was, even in the middle of the staff room, even with twenty people around her, she still felt so alone.

She dialed her phone, pleased - mostly - when Nick picked up.

“Hey Chlo.”

“Hey, how are you?”

“Oh I’m alright. Not much to report. Getting excited.”

“Well, hovering around thirty weeks that’s a very good thing!”

“I guess you’re right. I should count my blessings. How’s Willa?”

“She’s good.” Chloe smiled, looking up at the glowing store sign with dislike, “Feisty. Growing big and strong. It’s crazy, I can’t believe it.”

“Well, I told you.”

She chuckled, “Yeah, I guess you did.”

“So what’s up, Chlo?”

She sighed, chewing her lip and staring out of the driver’s side window. She felt - silly - so silly and so lame...and a little gross. She didn’t want to run to him for company. He wasn’t her company anymore. She was pretty sure that she didn’t even want his company. She just wanted _some_ company. And sometimes - often - Nick knew how to make her laugh. She did miss him. Maybe it would be really nice. “Nick, do you think that you could come down this weekend?”

“What? Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” she sighed in her breathy laugh, “Yeah, of course. I just - I don’t know, we haven’t seen one another in a while since we all decided not to do anything for New Years. I just thought - it would be nice.”

She could hear Nick’s hesitation loud and clear, “I don’t know, Chlo. Jenny is two weeks further along than you; I don’t like the idea of leaving her here alone.”

“Bring her! I don’t mind.”

“Errr-”

“No,” she corrected herself, “of course, you’re right.” She and Jenny were fine, but that would have been weird. She could always Skype with Aubrey instead. She wished that it wouldn’t take quite so long to fly to Georgia because she would hop on a plane as soon as she was out of class tomorrow. She missed Aubrey. They spoke all of the time but - she just missed everything and everyone these days.

“Ooookay,” Nick said after a few seconds of silence, “Yeah, okay, I can come. I don’t think I should stay for the whole weekend but yeah, I’ll come.”

“You will?”

“Yeah Chlo, I’ll be there. I’ll make you a nice dinner.”

“Awes. Thanks so much, Nick.”

“No problem.”

 

Knowing she was going to have some company over the weekend made her Friday so much better. She got caught up in the weekend fever with the kids and they ended up playing a game of ‘Heads Up Seven-Up’ for the last hour which they all loved.

She arrived home for the day an hour before Nick got there and did her best to tidy herself and the apartment. She was starting to feel like she was moving around all of the time with a ten-pound weight around her stomach. It was kind of exhausting.

“Knock, knock,” she heard him call from the front door, announcing his arrival.

“Nick!” She hadn’t meant to hug him quite so hard, but it was just _so_ nice to see him! To see anyone.

“You okay, Bright Eyes?”

“What? Yeah. Of course. Come in.”

 

“So are you really going to cook for me?” She teased a bit later as they were heading to the store.

“Yup. And you’re going to love it.”

“You know, if you poison this baby-”

He let out a loud booming laugh that made Chloe jump, “Don’t worry, Chlo, Cass is going to need her sister so they can gang up on us.”

Chloe chuckled, “So you two are sticking with Cass then?”

“I think so. Jenny just loves it so much. Kinda like you with _Willa_. Hopefully I’ll be able to name the next one.”

Chloe smiled and gave his hand a squeeze, trying to ignore the sadness, the - envy around her heart at the thought of Nick and Jenny and their little horde.

She was an only child. She had always been sure she wanted a large family.

She wasn’t jealous of Jenny - or of Nick - just...what they had.

“Hopefully you’ll get that baseball champ.”

“Oh, Jenn doesn’t know it yet but this little girl is going to be the first female Babe Ruth.”

Chloe laughed, her heart sore. It was always sore these days. “How many do you guys think you want? Do you still want four?”

“Jenn wants five.”

“My goodness, you two are ambitious! Any wedding bells yet?”

“Naw,” he flushed, “I haven’t actually asked her yet. I’m still waiting for the divorce to finalize and I want my mom to spend at least one meal in the same room with her first.”

“Is Marcy still refusing?”

“Yeah. Out of the four of us, you, me, Jenn or Beca, I’m not sure who she hates the most.”

“I suppose it was inevitable that she would eventually grow to hate me, not that she didn’t before. Just don’t let her push Jenny around, Nick, okay? That was - that was one of the hardest things about our marriage.”

Oh no! Not right now, she did not want to cry right now!

But it was too late, she was already in tears.

Nick’s lips pressed together for a moment but his hand went to her knee.

“I’m sorry, Nick, can we blame it on the hormones?”

“You don’t always have to say it’s the hormones, Chlo. You’re allowed to have feelings outside of the pregnancy.” He chuckled and then asked, “What’s up with Beca?”

She didn’t like the way that he just assumed, like Beca was the only thing that made her cry. Everything made her cry! The night before last she had bawled through a State Farm commercial. “I’m not sure. I haven’t heard from her in like a week.”

“Did you two break up? It’s been kind of obvious that something hasn’t really been right there.”

She swore as her tears came harder, this wasn’t why she asked him to come, it wasn’t just so she could talk to him about Beca, she needed to stop. “No, there was nothing to break up.”

“Chloe.”

“I’m fine.”

He tried to continue to talk to her about it, he pushed but Chloe just put her foot down, refusing. She didn’t want to talk about it, she didn’t want to just sit here and moan about her problems with her best friend - who she missed - like a constant thorn in her side.

Eventually, Nick gave up with a shrug and Beca fell to the back of the conversation, not coming up again until they were lying on the couch together, Chloe poking at her belly and trying to get Willa to move.

“Usually she’s so active after dinner.” She tried not to show it, she was trying so hard not to be a basket case these days, but any time that Willa refused to move she panicked, absolutely and completely panicked. “She must be sleeping. Normally she’s more active. You should see her when Beca is around. She might as well be doing a Riverdance routine.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Oh.” She frowned, unhappy that she had brought her up again. This was how it had been those two years that Beca had been missing from her life, her name had become taboo and yet, she had said it constantly, kicking herself every time. Then she saw Nick’s face and she realized, oh no, she had offended him. “Sorry. I didn’t-” she hadn’t meant that this baby liked Beca’s voice more than his.

“No, no, I didn’t take it that way.”

“She just - likes Beca’s voice.”

She saw Nick scrutinizing her and she couldn’t look back at him, she felt too exposed.

“Chloe, you don’t seem like you’re okay.”

“No, I am. I just - nooooooo!” She moaned as she felt herself begin to cry again, “Damn it!” Okay, so it wasn’t only hormones. It wasn’t only some stupid pregnancy thing. “I just - I feel like I’m walking around with part of me missing. It’s been this silly snowball. She told me she loved me and I didn’t say it back and it’s been getting worse and worse since then. Things are so bad, Nick. We did basically break up and now we’re trying to be friends but who am I kidding, it’s not working! We’re _not_ being friends! We’re just not speaking! That’s not the same thing!” She blinked around the room, confused as to how she had gotten to her feet and how she had started to pace, her voice high and panicked - without realizing she was doing anything at all.

Nick just reclined on the couch, kicking his feet up on the table and making her frown. “And what does that tell you?”

“Do you know how difficult life would be for Beca if we were in a relationship? It would be something that she has never seen before. She thinks she knows, but she doesn’t. I can’t ask her to take me - and a new baby. She’ll never stick around. It will be too much. And she shouldn’t have to! She never agreed to this! She didn’t get me pregnant! We didn’t decide to have a baby together! It was just dumped in her lap and, oh my god, Nick it’s not possible!”

Nick just shook his head, “Door.”

“What?”

“Door. I don’t think you heard it over your ranting.”

She frowned, a little embarrassed by the term ‘ranting’. No, she hadn’t.

“ _Emily!_ ” She didn’t even mind that she was crying this time when she hugged Emily, “I’ve missed you so much, how are you?”

She shrugged, “Not so good. Oh, um, hey-”

“Emily, this is Nick.”

“Yeah I figured. Hi, nice to actually meet you.”

“What are you doing here?”

Emily just shrugged, “Bec is out so I thought I would come by.”

“She’s out?” Chloe folded herself into the couch, “Oh, you mean...with Elle.”

“Who’s Elle?” Nick asked, trying to subtly hide his beer. Chloe wished, desperately that hiding it was necessary, that seeing it might be temptation for Emily to do something that she wasn’t doing.

She would talk to her. Tonight. She wouldn’t let her leave until they had talked.

“Beca - she’s um - she’s Beca’s girlfriend.”

“Wait, wait, wait,”

“I don’t know if I would say girlfriend,” Emily frowned, thinking it out, “They’ve only been out a few times. I think. I dunno.”

“She’s got a _girlfriend_?” Nick hissed and Chloe flinched.

“I told you, we’re...trying to be friends.”

“Holy shit, the drama. God! They should make TV shows out of this shit.”

Emily laughed and the three swapped ideas on exactly what that TV show would look like when Chloe suddenly said, “Do you think I - should I try and meet her?” She had been wondering more and more about the girl who had taken her girl. It was a morbid curiosity she supposed, “I mean, should I invite everyone over for a dinner or something?”

“Noooooo!” Nick laughed, “You’re the jealous type, Chlo. Don’t do it.”

Chloe gasped, “I am not!”

“You might see her and unleash that redheaded fury and stab her in the neck with a dinner fork.”

Chloe gasped, her jaw dropping open.

“I uh, I don’t think that’s a good idea either, Chlo.”

“But that would _help_ , right? It would prove that I’m fine with this?”

“But you’re not fine with this.”

She just stared back at Emily, trying to will that to not be true. “I just kind of want to know what she looks like.”

“I mean, I guess I get-” Emily started but another thought cut Emily off.

“Do you – _is she prettier than me?_ ”

Nick laughed, “Oh man, Emily, run. You don’t know what you started.”

Emily laughed and it made Chloe smile to see it. “I don’t know, I don’t think so. She has kind of a thin nose?”

“So she’s unattractive? Oh my god, she’s ugly? Why is Beca dating some scary looking troll?” She cried.

“Wait, I didn’t say,”

“She’s totally a needle nose freak, isn’t she? Why would Beca be dating a needle nose freak? What does she look like; tell me what she looks like!” She wasn’t jealous. She wasn’t! She was - curious.

No. She was jealous.

She was green with envy.

It all must be so much simpler for Elle.

“I uh,” Emily frowned, “I dunno, really.”

“Hey, um, Emily, can you maybe help me kick Beca’s ass?” Nick asked casually but both women glared. “Are you kidding me, Chloe, she has a girlfriend!”

“How is she, Em? I - I miss her so much.”

Emily nodded, “I don’t know, I barely see her. She’s been working nonstop and we haven’t really been -”

Chloe nodded, understanding that they hadn’t been moving forward with the album. “Emily.” She started.

“You don’t have to, Chloe, Beca already did.”

She glanced at Nick, realizing she couldn’t really talk about this in front of him.

“Emily, I’m so - worried.”

“Yeah, I know.”

They fell into silence, Chloe cuddling into the couch.

“I miss her so much.”

Emily nodded, “I miss Benji.”

“I think - I think I’m finally resigned. I’ve lost her. It’s - it’s over. Isn’t it? It’s over?”

Nick’s laugh was mocking, slightly condescending even, “What do you mean it’s over? Love doesn’t just _go away_ like that Chlo.”

Chloe stared back at him for a long minute, thinking though a million meals alone, a million nights of cuddling with her pillow instead of a body. “Ours did, Nick.”

 

She went to bed that night feeling worse than she had all week. It had been nice to share some of this with Emily, she hadn’t thought about it but she and Emily were kind of in the same place - in a way.

She had told Emily about this feeling, this sense of Beca slipping away and Emily had agreed, saying she felt it between them too.

Now, god, now she just wanted to go to sleep and hide for a little while.

She had to keep telling herself that she was doing this for Beca, she was, she was doing this to protect Beca.

But - that felt like a lie.

Was she lying to herself?

Could that be helped?

It was late when her phone went off, late enough that she should have been asleep - she was asleep - but she had a feeling that Beca’s specialized text sound could have woken her from the dead.

She sat up straight, her blood rushing too fast through her veins as she grabbed her phone, holding it a little too close to her nose as she read.

“Can I show you something?”

She hadn’t been able to dress fast enough and yet, she was dreading whatever it was Beca had to show her.

This was it. She could feel it. She knew it. She didn’t want to hear the goodbye and she couldn’t think of anything else that it could be. Beca was going to say goodbye to her tonight and she didn’t think her heart could take it.

She almost wished, for the first time ever she almost wished that this had never started - that they had never crossed that line...that they could go back to being friends who had never become romantically involved. At least then she wouldn't be losing her.

The thought made her pause, her hand on the door to leave.

No.

She didn’t think that.

She would never think that.

_Ever._

She watched Beca’s car pull up and, carefully, she got in.

Beca looked so - normal - it was so strange. She was in her usual jacket, her usual jeans and yet, Chloe could feel it as soon as she got into the car. Beca gave her a small smile and she returned it, but she could feel it.

Something was different.

Everything was different.

It was almost like the last few ties had been severed, were being severed.

It made her panic.

But this was best, wasn’t it? _For Beca_ , this was best.

She would stop hurting her now.

She never - she had never wanted to hurt Beca.

Beca felt like she had in June, at the reunion - she was distant - so far and it would take scaling a mountain and crossing an ocean to get to her again. It made Chloe want to reach out and touch her.

Instead she sank into her seat and waited, shoving her hands under her thighs, just in case.

They didn’t talk on the way to wherever they were going. It was late and Chloe was tired - in so many ways.

She was surprised how long the drive was, but she was even more surprised when Beca clicked the car off and Chloe looked outside to realize that they were in front of Grasshopper.

She turned to ask but Beca was already getting out of the car.

So she followed her inside, wincing when the lights were clicked on. “Oh, Bec…” The whole place screamed of Beca. It was trendy and cute but warm. “This is amazing!”

They were standing in the lobby and in it there were a few plants, a few beautiful paintings of grasshoppers and centered, reframed and wonderful, was that picture of the Bellas and the picture that Beca had used to hide in her Moment One desk. Chloe looked for a long time at that, remembering the day, marveling over their baby faces and knowing how significant the photo placement was. If Beca saw her looking then she didn’t say anything.

Finally she looked away and found Beca standing in the doorway to the studio. She nodded for her to follow and Chloe just nodded back.

The studio was equally homey, the carpet plush and clean, the couches seeming soft and comforting. Beca had done a really great job.

Beca pulled up a chair beside the one at the soundboard and Chloe sat in it, feeling nervous again.

She watched her settle in, taking a second to get comfortable, a sign of just how nervous she was.

“Bec?”

But Beca just cleared her throat, finally breaking her silence, “I’m not really sure where it came from. I guess, I don’t know, I think I might give it to Kendra for the new album. Maybe. I can’t decide. It wouldn’t really work for Hope or Emily...they’re too young but, well, anyway. Uh, I don’t know. But before you’re gone again I just wanted you to hear it.”

Before she was gone again? She knew that was exactly what they were facing but hearing it put so boldly; it was impossible, right? “Beca, I-”

“I know that I’m not - really allowed but - I don’t know, just - just listen, I guess.”

She frowned, watching as Beca clicked a few switches and pressed a button. Soft rolling music began to play, a background track Chloe realized, light and sweet and then all thoughts drifted away when Beca’s fingers found the keys of the small keyboard in the center of her set up and she began to play - and to sing.

She had always known Beca to be slightly clumsy over the keys but if she was, then Chloe didn’t notice. She was too busy watching her face. She was too busy watching the way her lips moved as she sang, listening to the words that were so much of a confession and she could see by how Beca wouldn’t look up, not even once, that she was expecting to get into trouble. Her fingers were shaking, but Chloe was frozen, unable to do a single thing about it, absorbed in Beca. She could feel the pain of the separation that was coming in Beca’s voice, in her words. And then she was laughing because Beca was finally calling the baby by her name and it was sweet, so sweet. She was listening to her and she could see it on her face, she could see that she meant every single word.

And her heart broke.

 

_I_ _n 18 years you’ll be walking_

_with your friends_

_And laughing like we did once_

_In 18 years you’ll be sneaking a kiss,_

_You’ll be bright, you’ll be bubbly_

_Looking so much like she used to_

_In 18 years you might be looking_

_over your shoulder_

_You might be wondering_

_You might be waiting_

_for somebody_

_who isn’t me_

 

_In 18 years I won’t know_

_If you put your milk in before your cereal_

_I might not know_

_Who you dance to in the car_

_And I might not know_

_If you got her blue eyes or his green_

_In 18 years you might not know me_

_if you pass me on the street_

_Our eyes might connect_

_and we will look away_

_perfect strangers_

_But in 18 years I will never have forgotten_

_I never have forgotten -_

_you two_

 

_You’re someone so tiny in this great big world_

_And I just can’t believe it_

_that I get to call you my girl_

_And know that I love you_

_That’s just how this game goes_

_So baby please_

_Don’t cry_

_Cuz I - I got you in my hand_

_Willa girl_

 

_Your mama,_

_she’s always been the proof magic exists_

_Her smile could make the storm clouds_

_pass you by_

_It was just her superpower_

_and in 18 years I’ll never forget_

_The way my name sounded from her lips_

 

_In 18 years I might be lost_

_in all of the people_

_in all of the cities_

_No matter how many there are_

_between me and you_

_Know that I am looking at the same sky_

_Wishing you happiness on that same star_

_three to the right_

_And I am loving you_

 

_In 18 years I might have my own family_

_My own little girl_

_with curls and a dimple_

_But that won’t mean_

_That doesn’t mean_

_there isn’t a hole at the back of my heart_

_Big enough for two_

 

_You’re someone so tiny in this great big world_

_And I just can’t believe it_

_that I get to call you my girl_

_And know that I love you_

_That’s just how this game goes_

_So baby please_

_Don’t cry_

_Cuz I - I got you in my hand_

_Willa girl_

 

_In 18 years I might be picking_

_you up from a date_

_We might be laughing_

_over the car’s radio_

_I might be pretending I’m mad at you_

_for kissing in the rain_

_We might be driving the same road home_

_we’ve driven a hundred times_

_Just like any other day_

 

_You’re someone so tiny in this great big world_

_And I just can’t believe it_

_that I got to call you my girl_

_And know that I love you_

_That’s just how this game goes_

_So baby please_

_Don’t cry_

_Cuz I - I got you in my hand_

_Willa girl_

 

_In 18 years we might be kissing_

_you goodnight_

_We might be old and happy_

_full of stories and pictures_

_In 18 years I might be loving you_

_In 18 years_

_In 18 years_

_My love can last_

_Those 18 years_

_I’ll be missing you_

_For 18 years_

 

The tears pouring down her face were different this time; she hardly even realized they were there. They just - they didn’t seem important right now. She wasn’t even sure what _was_ important right now. She couldn’t think. Her mind was screaming, spinning in circles, whirling as she watched Beca’s beautiful pale face, saw her carefully put her hands into her lap, already grimacing. Chloe watched her and as she watched her heart began to pick up, clenching tightly on her lungs. Her breathing began to quicken, jumping from normal to out of control so fast that her vision swam, blurring into fog for a moment before mercifully clearing - a little. As panic began to build her fingers closed tightly, cutting into her palm. Her skin, it was too tight, too small, she wanted to pull on it, stretch it, make it fit but her arms were too heavy to move. She needed to get up, she needed to move but she couldn’t. It was quiet in there, too quiet but she couldn’t seem to find any words.

She could see Beca’s eyes shifting, putting off the moment she had to turn to her and that didn’t help. The avoidance tripled the swirling that was beginning in her head. But Beca, unaware, just gave a sniff and wiped under her nose, her eyes trained on the keyboard.

She understood.

This was Beca’s last ditch effort. She didn’t _have_ to play the song for her. Beca could have simply moved on and Chloe could have heard it a year from now as she was driving Willa to nursery school or perhaps sitting in the staff room on her lunch break. She could have heard it and would have known it was by Kendra, which meant it had been by - _from_ Beca - about her - and her daughter and her world would have come crumbling down - because she had missed it.

_Missed it?_

Beca could have just simply never played it for her and she could see from Beca’s face that this was all she had left.

Only -

Her panic just grew.

Beca wasn’t supposed to love them, she didn’t, she hadn’t allowed it, but Beca just kept insisting on doing it anyway. Why wouldn’t she _listen_?

She didn’t _understand._ She was so tired of not understanding. She was _so_ tired of not understanding the person she once would have sworn she knew better than anyone, including herself. She reached out with quaking fingers and touched Beca’s face, just barely and Beca froze, “How can this be something that you want?” She heard her voice and it surprised her. She hadn’t meant to use it at all and if she had then she wouldn’t have meant it to sound like that. She was just confused, but it wasn’t soft, it wasn’t sweet like Beca deserved right now - it was - angry - it was _scared_.

Beca pushed away from her, a fist coming down hard on the desktop, her cheeks instantly crimson, “Because!” She shouted. “Don’t you _get it_ ? That’s what you _do_ to me! I’m tired of you acting like I’m not allowed that! Or that for some reason that’s _bad_ ! You make me want that! Because she’s you! And I want you! _All_ of you! How do you still not see that, Chloe? After all of this, how are you still not getting that? If my life is going to be all crazy and diaper filled, then fine! Great! Awesome! I love it!” Her hands came down on the table and she let out a long groan, “I’m tired of it. It’s how I fucking feel. Get the fuck over it!”

Chloe blinked, shocked. Had Beca ever really said it like that before? So…honest? No. No, she hadn’t. She knew she hadn’t. Yesterday that would have done - what? Everything. It would have done everything, it would have been everything. But right now Beca’s angry response - it only pushed Chloe deeper into panic, making her fold into herself. She couldn’t sit here. She couldn’t stay in this. The air was too heavy. It was choking her.

She had never been a runner; she had never been one who needed to flee but right now…

Finally, slowly Beca looked up, hearing Chloe’s quick breath, seeing her hands shaking - and all hope drained from her face. “Yeah, I guess I thought it would be like that.”

She couldn’t - she couldn’t _breathe!_ Oh god, she couldn’t breathe!

“But I _love_ you.” Chloe said it like it was the reason for the exception, like it was the source – like she didn’t fully understand it. Did she fully understand it?

Beca’s eyes popped wide, “ _What?_ ”

She couldn’t - she _couldn’t_ , god, she couldn’t!

So Chloe ran - literally ran.

She hit the cold night air, struggling, grabbing, fighting for a breath and she just continued to run.

_She couldn’t!_

Because…

_Because…_

 

 

_“Oh, hey Chlo.” Nick straightened up from his place standing above his office girl’s desk. “I didn’t know that you were coming by.”_

_Chloe frowned a little, her feet pausing as she glanced at the mousy woman Nick had been talking to. Something strange was bubbling in her stomach, something dark and worrying but that was silly, right? That was stupid! There was no need for that. “I brought you something for lunch.” She said and wondered why her voice sounded all weird._

_“Awesome! Oh,” Nick gave his best charming smile, his hand coming down on the woman’s shoulder, “this is Jenny. She’s new.”_

 

 

Chloe’s movements were careful, pointedly exact - because if they weren’t - if she let go of her control – even for a second - then it would be over - then she wouldn’t be able to - she -

She continued her walk through the apartment, her tears falling fast in her absolute and total hysteria.

She _hated_ herself.

Chloe had never hated herself before.

She had always thought that she was pretty okay, good qualities and bad. She was a normal person. How could she hate herself for having faults when everyone had them?

Right now though, she hated herself.

Truly.

She had run from her.

That song - it had been heartbreaking and beautiful. It had been so much.

It had been _too much_.

And Beca’s face - that moment when she had looked at her and - and - and - oh god, she covered her own face with her hands but that only made the picture more vivid, “Oh god!” Beca had looked like everything she had ever wanted had been lost, right then and there, in that second and shit, she had done that. She had _done_ that to her!

How could she have done that to her?

This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening!

Ohmygod, she knew she hurt her, really hurt her, forever hurt her.

She paced for the rest of the night, crying, panicked, thinking about Beca, wanting her so badly and kicking herself. Why had she run? _Why?_ Why was she shaking like this? Because Beca had laid it all out on the line? So what? Hadn’t she been asking for that? Chloe liked being upfront about how she felt, she liked it when others did the same with her. So why?

Why...was she so...scared?

That didn’t make any sense, why should she be scared?

 

 

_“God damn it, Marce, what the hell is wrong with you? If I want to donate to Make A Wish then that needs to be okay! It’s for fucking dying children!”_

_“Have you always been this soft, Trent, or did you lose your balls somewhere along the way?”_

 

 

Her brow furrowed, remembering the fight she had heard through the door of the guest room, remembering how confused she was that Marcy and Trent had been arguing at all. It had been Christmas time. You didn’t fight at Christmas time.

Why was she so scared? Why had she been scared when Beca had said…angry, yeah maybe but…scared - wait, the thought stopped her movements for a moment; but _why?_

Why was it that she felt she could be _angry?_

Beca hadn’t done anything wrong.

She had been wrong.

 _Chloe_ had been the wrong one this time.

Shit. What was her life going to look like now? She had just sealed their fate. She just made it so she would never hear from Beca again, ever.

And she didn't deserve to! Even a little bit.

Oh god. Oh my god. Oh shit. Oh fuck! She fumbled through the kitchen, pulling out drawers, looking.

How was she going to get through this? How was it that she had done this? _Why had she left?_

“Chloe? Fuck, okay!” She felt hard, warm hands on her, pushing her aside and she stumbled, her vision beginning to blur again.

Noooo, not Nick. Not Nick!

The bag closed over her nose and mouth and she began to breathe into it.

What had she done?

Oh god, what had she done?

“Chloe - what’s -”

She looked at him and her thoughts began to swirl again.

 

 

_"Hey,” Chloe rolled over and onto Nick’s chest, knowing he was barely awake._

_His eyes instantly popped open, shocked and she couldn’t even blame him. When was the last time that she had initiated contact? When was the last time that he had?_

_She ran her hand down his chest and stomach._

_She needed…_

_She just needed… something._

_She felt his whole body twitch in surprise as she reached down and took him into her hand, giving a purposeful and encouraging pull._

_“Chloe, what are you-”_

_“Shhh,” she whispered. The dream she had…it had scared her so much. She just, she wanted to feel safe in his embrace for just a few minutes. She wanted to stop missing him. She wanted to stop missing Beca. And Aubrey. She wanted this dark feeling inside of her to go away. She wanted her life back. The one she had when she used to jump into Nick’s arms the moment he walked through the door. The one she had when she knew her best friend was only minutes away. Or even better, she wanted the one before all of this, when she lived surrounded by her sisters, singing and laughing. She wanted the life where she knew that if she stumbled out of bed and downstairs, that Beca would be there with a cup of coffee, that Ashley would be eating a bowl of cereal while Amy tried to slip in through the front door without being noticed. She wanted…_

_She didn’t understand. Where had her life gone?_

_“Chloe.”_

_She kissed him to make him stop talking._

_And he did._

_Instead he let out a deep groan, his hips flexing into her hand._

_She pushed and pulled, determined. She wanted this. She was sure she wanted this._

_Still, when he rolled her over, ready to enter her she hid her face in her pillow, tears threatening, knowing that though he was firm, ready… she was dry…nothing had happened._

_He touched her, his eyebrows pulling down in worry until he saw her face. “Uh, hey.” He gave her a small smile, “That’s okay. Sometimes it takes me a minute in the morning too.”_

_She gave a fast nod, not willing to look at him._

_“Good thing we have this.” He gave a forced chuckle and opened the bedside drawer, pulling out the lubricant._

_Chloe just nodded into her pillow again, promising herself that she wanted this. She wanted to feel close to him. She wanted to feel him._

_But as he entered her, though she wrapped her arms around his back and pulled him closer, the same feeling of blank nothingness wrapped around her like a straightjacket. Choking her. As he began to move inside of her she turned her face, desperate to feel him, to kiss him, to feel something._

_But just as she turned, Nick also turned, his face pressing for a moment into her throat and then, his cheek rested against her collar, his face resolutely turned away from her._

 

 

Nick!

She pushed him away, pulling herself to her feet with the bag still clamped tightly over her face.

He was pulling at her, trying to wrap his arms around her. He was making it worse, Nick - he - her fear - her panic tripled and she ran, ran full tilt into her bedroom, closing the door on him.

Had she really just thrown away her favorite thing in the world? Beca - she was her favorite. Had she?

Why?

Please, Nick, stop knocking, his voice, it was only making it worse.

She could smell him in her apartment, on her clothes and she moaned, pulling her shirt off and throwing it, wanting to get the scent off of her skin.

Why? Why had she thrown it away? Because Beca loved her?

Yes! Because Beca loved her.

Because she couldn’t, because she wasn’t allowed, because she couldn’t, because Chloe couldn’t, because they couldn’t.

 

 

_“We all have to eventually, Chloe! It might as well be now!”_

 

 

It was too much, it would make Beca run, it would make her take off one day. Chloe would come home to find she had been abandoned, if she said yes, she would lose her. Or even worse, she would come home one day to a _stranger_ because they weren’t speaking, because they weren’t Beca and Chloe anymore - look at them now - because it would be bad – just like it had been for Trent and Marcy – and her parents - _just_ like it had been…it _was_ with Nick.

She froze at the thought.

_Nick?_

God, she internally groaned as he pummeled the door behind her. He needed to leave her alone! He needed to stop calling her. She needed to stop hearing his voice for one goddamned minute! She hated it! It was making her panic worse, it was hitting her… It was hitting her in the exact same spot where her Beca panic was coming from?

That didn’t –

It didn’t -

“Nick, pleeeease,” she wailed, “Please, leave me alone for a few minutes.” She wanted to scream at him. She wanted him to go away. She didn’t want to think about him. She didn’t want to see him. She didn’t want him in her space, _in this life_. The weight of him was too much, too overpowering. She couldn’t breathe!

“Chloe! Come on! You’re scaring me!”

She needed him to go, she needed him –

“Chloe, this isn’t how we treat each other! Come out, please! I can help!”

The words baffled her. How was it he could still sound so possessive? Like she was his and only his.

 

 

_“But Nick, I thought,” she tried hard to hold back her tears. There was no reason to cry about this. It wasn’t that big of a deal. She could handle another night of mindless TV alone, it was no big deal. It didn’t mean…anything that he was canceling. “I thought we were going to do something…together. You said this was your only night off this week.”_

_“I know, Chlo, I know. I’m sorry but my boss asked me for drinks at the club so I have to go.” He softly grasped her arms and planted a kiss on her forehead._

_Panic stirred inside and she wanted to grab him. She wanted to grab him and scream ‘HOW DID WE GET HERE, NICK? HOW? PLEASE DON’T GO TO HER TONIGHT, NICK! PLEASE DON’T SPEND YOUR ONLY NIGHT OFF WITH HER! I MISS YOU! STAY WITH ME! PLEASE! MAKE LOVE TO ME! SEE ME! CARE ABOUT ME! DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE! I’M YOUR WIFE, PLEASE KEEP LOVING ME! MAKE ME LOVE YOU!’_

_He let her go and gave her his huge charming smile, “You should open a bottle of wine or something and watch some Grey’s Anatomy. I think it’s going to be a late one.”_

_“Nick…”_

_“I’ll be back as soon as I’m able to get away.” And he left Chloe standing in the front hall, her arms wrapped around herself._

_Lonely confused tears were pouring down her face before the door had even clicked closed._

 

 

Her whole body was shaking with the memory.

Nick…he…he had _everything_ to do with this.

Didn’t he?

This feeling in her stomach…this stress…

Those days - those terrible days when she would lay in bed with him and she would cry and he would never notice - when he would come home, smelling of someone else - when he would sit across the couch from her, his face remote and they wouldn’t talk as they ate dinner, not because they didn’t want to but because they couldn’t - because their marriage - their love had gone sour - it had rotted from the inside out.

God, she couldn’t do that with Beca. It would break her. She couldn’t see Beca look at her and know that she was feeling nothing; she couldn’t see that on her face. She couldn’t feel Beca touch her, feel Beca inside of her, feel Beca’s lips on her and know that Beca was completely unmoved.

She couldn’t be in a situation like with Nick again because...she had loved him...but it wasn’t deep, it wasn’t everything; it was sadness, it was living in sadness. She had thought she loved Nick _that_ way, only she hadn’t. She knew that once, a long time ago now, Nick had smiled at her like she was his world – that there had been something – that she had felt something - that he had felt something - but it had _died_ \- just like her parents – just like - his parents - who had once loved one another, she was sure of it, but now lived like strangers…

And Beca - _Beca_ \- she _loved_ her too much for that, she _loved_ her so much it hurt and she couldn’t watch that rot, she couldn’t watch that happen again.

She couldn’t be a part of that – with Beca. Not with her Bec…

No, she couldn’t - she couldn’t because she _didn’t_ love Beca that way - not in the way she had loved Nick. She loved her – more - too much, too hard, too everything. She loved Beca _that_ way; she had _always_ loved Beca _that_ way…a way that was so different from Nick. In a way that was everything.

Only...that scared her. She couldn’t – she couldn’t see it ruined. And – and - she was terrified. She loved Beca _that_ way, that magic way, and she was so scared of giving into something so big, so all consuming. She would lose herself. She would lose control and she would just … fall.

A little voice, a soft and kind voice that she had once known so well slowly ghosted through the back of her mind, whispering, _wasn’t that the point though?_

Her breathing was even now, though her tears only came quicker.

She was so tired of being so scared - she had been scared for months, she had been so scared for _years_ and she just couldn’t stand to be scared anymore. That wasn’t living.

“Chloe!” She had grabbed a shirt, opened the door, she had tried to push past him, she had to go but he stopped her like a human wall and the sight of him, the smell of him just brought that terror back. Her hands began to shake and she had to turn away from him.

She didn’t love Beca the way she had loved Nick - and she was so afraid that if they did this - she would lose that love - that she would lose Beca’s love. She **_couldn’t_** _lose Beca’s love_. “Nick, I need to go.”

“Like fucking hell, Chloe, are you kidding me?”

“Nick, I need some space, please let go of me.”

“Chlo, you’re freaking me the fuck out! Don’t tell me you need space. What’s going on? Come on, Chlo!”

“Nick! Please!”

She couldn’t lose Beca’s love.

So she couldn’t let herself have it. She couldn’t.

She denied it.

She denied herself - happiness.

She had been denying herself happiness.

 _Why_ was she denying herself happiness? That was what she had done with Nick when she waited for a whole year; she just sat there in a stale marriage, denying her gayness because it - was scary, denying his affair because she didn’t want to deal with it.

She looked at him and she realized suddenly that she _hated_ him. She hated how he treated her. She hated his role in her life. She loved him - in a way - he had been her husband - he was Willa’s father - but she _hated_ him.

And.

Beca’s love, it scared her. That was the truth. It was so big that it scared her.

But Beca had been promising to love her forever last night, to love her baby too.

Should she just pretend that hadn’t happened?

How could she?

She had already done that once. She had already pretended as though nothing had changed when Beca had said she loved her and look at where it had taken them. They were both miserable like this.

Beca had promised to love her. She had literally told her that she would be loving her even if she hadn’t seen her for years. She had told her that distance could not change that. And Beca...she believed that about Beca.

How could she fight that?

 _Why_ did she think she would want to?

Was she - were her heels dug into the ground again? Was that all that was happening? Was she doing that thing again?

Beca had promised to love her. So why was Chloe fighting it? Why was she trying to change the very thing that she wanted?

What had Emily said? It was like trying to stop gravity? She had heard it and she had thought it was kind of dramatic but now she wasn’t so sure.

The elevator to the condo was a slow climb and it was making her crawl out of her skin.

She had fucked up.

Oh god, she couldn’t seem to stop fucking up.

She was -

She was so tired.

She was so tired of being scared.

She hated it.

This wasn’t who she was! She didn’t run because it was scary - okay, maybe that was exactly what she did - maybe she had always done that but -

“Bec? Beca?”

The condo was silent.

She took the stairs two at a time but Beca’s room was empty, her bed still neatly made.

She wasn’t there.

She turned to go, she would try Grasshopper next, she would go to P.J., she didn’t care.

 

 

_‘I love you, awesome nerd.’_

 

 

She stopped, taking a second to sit on the bed and breathe the scent of the room in. It was comforting. She ran her hands over her face, looking around.

This…this room…this could all be different, it could have been different. Did she realize that?

Suddenly she could see the room, a very different room from the one she was looking at now; a room where Chloe’s shoes were tossed lazily beside Beca’s at the foot of the bed, where tank tops and blouses were intermingled in the hamper. She could see framed photos on the wall, all telling a story, sharing the memories of a life lived.

She...she loved it.

And.

She could have it.

All of this time, she could have had it.

But oh god, it was too much.

That was the point.

It was too much for _Beca._

She never signed up for this.

She shouldn’t have to sign up for this.

She shouldn’t have to –

Her hands on her pregnant stomach, she began to cry again. Beca hadn’t signed up for this. What was she doing? She was only going to make Beca’s life harder. Was she so selfish that she was going to do that to her?

 

 

_If my life is going to be all crazy and diaper filled, then fine! Great! Awesome! I love it!_

 

 

She turned, ready to get up and to go, ready to stop before she began because she had already been selfish. She couldn’t keep doing that. A fleck of familiar titian caught her eye, drawing it to something new beside the bed, something that hadn’t been there before. Her mouth popped open, surprised as she picked up the picture - the picture of herself, asleep in this bed, her face peaceful, her hair everywhere.

It was sitting beside Beca’s bed. Right beside her pillow.

There could be no denying the nature of the picture. She could see a small love bite, a gentle bruising from Beca’s lips far up on her neck, almost in her hair. This was probably post a very intimate moment - between _them_.

Why was this beside her bed? Why was this photo placed in such an intimate spot? Why did it _get_ to hold such an intimate spot? A spot where Beca saw it every night and every morning – where it could be the first and last thing she saw every day?

Like – almost like the photo was the first thing she _wanted_ to see every morning and the last thing every night.

There was a little bump and her hand automatically went to her stomach, soothing.

There was something that she had never considered...in all of this time, she had never considered it. What - what if Beca was making a choice? She blinked, staring at the photo.

No.

Beca _was_ making a choice.

The problem was she had made the choice so quickly that Chloe never saw it and she never saw its significance because maybe for Beca the choice was an obvious one. She hadn’t needed a moment to sit and consider, she had never needed any of that - and so Chloe had missed it entirely. Maybe Beca wasn’t trapped by Chloe coming back into her life, she wasn’t trapped by this baby. She was choosing to say yes, I want this. Hadn’t Beca been trying to tell her that all among? Hadn’t that been exactly her point?

 

 

_If my life is going to be all crazy and diaper filled, then fine! Great! Awesome! I love it!_

 

 

And maybe she, Chloe, just hadn’t heard her properly.

Beca loved them. That was it. What if it was, for Beca, truly that simple?

For the first time in months shackles she never knew she was wearing, slid from her shoulders, freeing her - making her laugh out loud.

If Beca was making a _choice_ then that meant that Chloe could also make a choice, right? She could _choose_ Beca, she could _choose_ their life and by choosing - it - it wouldn’t be like it was with Nick - where she just kind of got caught in a whirlwind and had no idea what her life became and therefore _had_ to adapt or die.

It could be her life. She could take it on. By choosing to be with Beca she was creating her own empowerment - which - wasn’t that why she needed the job and the apartment in the first place? Some type of misplaced pseudo I-have-control-over-my-own-life? Wouldn’t that explain why even though she had wanted the apartment she felt alone whenever she was there? Wasn’t that why every time she was upset the place she wanted to go was the condo? Because her want to move, her want for control was simply her want to feel…free…to feel free to choose?

And now that she realized that she could make that choice, she wanted it - badly - fiercely. She wanted to _make that choice_.

And so she did. Right there, sitting on the edge of Beca’s bed, the framed photo of her sleeping self in her hand.

She made her choice.

And she knew that she would get to make that choice every day and the thing was - that would make her happy because that would be a good choice...the right choice.

She touched the photo, loving it.

She had been running. By not agreeing to be with Beca she had kind of been running, she had been caught in the whirlwind again, except this time _she_ was the one creating it. How did she not realize she did these things? How was it she never realized when she was being mule headed?

Beca couldn’t love her: she had been saying it for months, Beca couldn’t love her - because if Beca loved her then _Chloe would love her_ and she would lose everything she had to her fear. She was so afraid of Beca loving her.

No - she wasn’t - Beca loving her was - wonderful - she was so afraid of _loving Beca_.

 _She couldn’t do it small._ She couldn’t do it casually.

She never had. Not for one moment.

And she didn’t want to.

And she - she had been afraid - because of Nick, because of her life, because of all of it. Her heels were dug in; she was refusing to move - even though a small step to the side was exactly what she wanted.

This was so silly.

This was so stupid.

She let out another laugh, feeling lighter than she had in so long.

She had to find her.

 

And now a new panic was beginning. She wasn’t worried that it was too late, it could never be too late, not for them - not when Beca was so good, so giving. Thank god for that. Instead she panicked because she needed to fix it - she needed to finally - _finally_ set it right. And she needed to work _every single day_ of her life to make sure that she never - ever - took her love for granted again.

Her only moment of real fear of rejection came when she parked her car outside of Grasshopper.

But what if the door was locked? What if she wouldn’t open it for her?

She held her breath as she closed her fingers around the handle and sent out a silent prayer.

It gave easily and she was thankful.

She wished she had washed her face - or combed her hair - anything really. She looked like she just spent all night crying. Then again, maybe that was a good thing. It was honest. They - she - needed some honesty.

Beca was sitting facing away from her and even in that position Chloe could see her shoulders drooping, she could feel her unhappiness.

The door she had come through finally hissed closed and Beca jumped, turning, “Hey Em-”

She wished she could have found the blank shock on Beca’s face funny. She really wished that this was a moment to laugh, to giggle; she felt like laughing, she wanted to laugh - she felt lighter than she had in so long.

Beca had frozen, looking like she wanted to vomit again, her face turning green as she grimaced.

There was a whole life, right there, wrapped up - right there. She felt herself smile and that broke Beca’s holding pattern.

“Chloe, what are you _doing_ here?”

“Did you mean all of that? The song, did you, did you mean it?”

“Chloe, Emily is going to be here soon and-”

“Answer me,” her voice was a whisper, yeah, but they both heard the demand.

Beca’s eyes shifted, cornered, “Yes.”

So she gave in and it felt wonderful, like taking off your makeup and heels after a very long day.

She took a step forward and Beca flinched away, her throat working, glancing everywhere but at her. For a second that flinch hurt so much but - she deserved it - she deserved so much more. She continued forward until she was in front of her and she could kneel down.

She touched Beca’s face, feeling her wince away from her again, ready to pull away, ready to push her away so Chloe’s hand closed on the back of her neck, hooking there.

She ran her thumb softly across her cheekbone, sighing when Beca’s eyes unwillingly shuttered closed. Seeing that, seeing that tiny sign of want - she pulled her to her, despite her own wet face, and kissed her.

Beca came to her, tensely, kissing her back - barely, in a way that spoke of her indecision, that told her that kissing her hurt but also that kissing her was all Beca needed and so she would keep doing it despite the pain.

“Bec.” She pulled away, pressing her forehead against hers, kissing her face.

“Look, Chloe…”

“ _I love you_.”

“Yeah,” Beca sighed, trying to pull away but Chloe wouldn’t let her go, “You said that - just before you ran off.”

Chloe ignored her, kissing her again, this time it was so fierce that she could feel Beca’s surprise in the way she gripped her back. “I love you.” She gasped, “I love you so much.”

Beca let out a wet little laugh, her face disbelieving, “Awesome nerd?”

“No.” She shook her head, “Just I love you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note:
> 
>  
> 
> 'Willa Girl' is a song that my wife and I wrote...which...wasn't easy. It turns out that writing a song is REALLY different than what I normally write. So yeah. Anyway, I wrote the words and the melody and my wife wrote the base track and everything else. My wife is getting her Doctorate/teaching in classical Horn at Northwestern which means we thought that we had some resources to turn this thing into a whole put together YouTube vid. But it turns out that when my stupid phone fried last week (literally last fucking week when I wrote this chapter and the story and the damn SONG in freaking September) it deleted all of my voice memos. I've run a few recovery programs and nothing. So. I don't even know. I like...I'm upset.


	16. Chapter 16

Chloe was a crier; she had pretty much always been a crier. Long intimate talks, a good hug, movies, affection - pretty much anything touching could set Chloe off. It had taken Beca awhile to realize that it wasn’t always a bad thing; not at all. In the beginning, seeing Chloe’s soft tears as they discussed life and dreams had freaked her the hell out, made her panic and try to fix whatever the fuck she had probably just done wrong. She always grew awkward during this phase because not only was she really bad at that whole comforting thing, but also she had never been sure what to do when Chloe would sit and cry while telling her nothing was wrong. She didn’t get it. How could you cry and yet have nothing be wrong? That wasn’t how crying worked! Then again, in the beginning a lot of Chloe had been a mystery to her. She was just…let’s just say a different type of person than Beca was. Eventually she had learned that it was just how Chloe showed emotion sometimes and she had learned to swallow back the reaction of ‘oh god, make it stop’ and just let them come as Chloe talked.

That morning, though, that had been the first time since the beginning of their friendship that Beca had been happy to see the tears. Okay, well maybe the tears after the Bellas had won all of their titles were okay too, but anyway. She had welcomed them as Chloe kneeled in front of her and explained all the reasons why she had been running from Beca, explained about the trauma she hadn’t known she was feeling from her marriage, about her fear that they would end up the same, about her terror of Beca running, of Beca leaving her just when she had started to expect her to be there. She had cried as she spoke and Beca had loved it, feeling - rather strangely, that she could trust what Chloe was saying - because she had cried and Chloe always cried when she was passionate about things. She had watched the tears roll, Chloe not bothering to wipe them away from her face and she had thought, for the first time, that they were even kind of beautiful. She hadn’t even cared that the thought was stupid, or kind of cheesy or anything like that. They just were.

And now, Chloe’s hand in hers felt awesome. They had held hands before, right? She knew they had but right now it felt like this was some new major development that needed to possibly be sung about. It felt like the biggest deal ever. Maybe it was just because they never had like this.

She kept shooting Chloe side glances as they stepped from the building. She fumbled for a while with her keys because she kept shooting looks at Chloe instead of focusing on locking the door behind them; Chloe’s face growing more and more amused as the keys slipped in and out of place.

She wasn’t really sure what all of this meant, where they really stood, but her hand felt so good in her own.

Chloe had just - stayed - all day. She had tried to pull her up and out of the studio at first but once Chloe had realized that Beca actually, you know, had to work she had settled herself on the couch with a nod and she had  _ stayed _ , always in the background, all day long.

They had spent the day glancing at one another, somewhat overwhelmed by the feeling of something new between them. It was funny because after they had slept together for the first time it hadn’t really felt all of that different. So yeah, they had been naked but still they had kind of just felt like Beca and Chloe, friends with some emotional baggage, former co-captains – whatever, Bec and Chlo. It had taken Beca a minute to get over the shock but that was it.

That morning felt different.

Beca would glance at Chloe, get caught and blush - and then Chloe would, a few minutes later, glance at Beca and get caught, blushing wildly. Each time it happened they shared a little smile and a laugh, much to Hope’s amusement.

Even once Beca was just on to paperwork and clean up Chloe had stayed, humming and waiting patiently.

Emily had yet again not shown up, but that hadn’t even ruined the day.

The lock finally clicked home with a loud clang and they turned toward their individual cars; Chloe swinging their interlocked hands casually between them and taking a second to look up and enjoy the stars.

Beca stopped as well, giving Chloe’s arm a slight tug to let her know that she wanted her attention.

Chloe turned, her eyes wide and curious. Beca felt her stomach quiver.

She had wanted to ask this all day long but every time they had been alone for a few minutes Beca had lost her nerve, the words drying to nothing on her lips, “Did -” she huffed, her cheeks puffing nervously as she ran a hand through her hair, “did you really - mean it?” She had been trying so hard not to show that this mattered because how much would that suck? How would she handle that?

She had broken the night before and not a little bit either; she had really broken. She hadn’t expected anything from the song, she hadn’t expected it to suddenly solve all of their problems but she had expected something better than watching Chloe’s back as she literally ran from the studio. They say you and your best friends swap personality traits the longer you know one another but she hadn’t exactly been pleased to see that she had taught Chloe that one.

It had ruined her. She had gone home but she hadn’t been able to face the quiet building. It was too full of swirling thoughts, too full of things she didn’t want to hear or see, things she wanted to avoid. She hadn’t even set down her things before she was turning around and going right back to work, throwing herself into Hope’s first recorded track all night.

It had been strange, she had been somewhere past tears. She had been crying fucking constantly, and yet just then she hadn’t been able to. It was as though she had found a dry place somewhere after the tears, which, she had known at the time probably wasn’t a good thing.

She hadn’t known what to think when she turned around and saw the wild and frazzled version of Chloe that had been behind her. At first she had kind of freaked her out, the only times she had seen her look like that had come after big huge, not so great events and she had just felt – freaking exhausted. The only thought that had crossed her mind was ‘god damn it, can’t you let me die in peace’ - which hadn’t exactly made sense either. She had just wanted to say goodbye to them permanently - quietly - she had just wanted to say goodbye to the thing that made her happiest so she could get back to being her surly, offish self.

 

She felt Chloe’s fingers squeeze hers as her head tilted, trying to read the question Beca had just asked for what it really was. Seeing that, Beca continued, “I mean, you um, you don’t have to say it if you don’t - errr - mean it.” Why was she blushing again?

Chloe stared for another second and then she began to smile, which grew easily into laughter - which made Beca feel stupid - but in a good way.

Chloe stepped closer, so close their noses were almost touching and Beca’s skin gave a little thrill. She carefully cupped either side of Beca’s jaw.

Beca’s eyes closed, surrendering entirely as Chloe tilted her face up and god, it felt so good. She felt Chloe give her the simplest, smallest kiss and Beca hummed, living in the feeling.

Anyone who said ‘I love you’ didn’t make a difference was bat shit crazy. It made all the difference.

“I really mean it.”

Beca smiled, that short to the point answer, it was so - Chloe - so the version of Chloe who had somehow been absent, stuck under the last few months of damage and fear. “Okay.”

She didn’t think twice, maybe her brain was a little addled, when Chloe just slid into the car seat beside her. This was Chloe; she probably just wanted a few minutes longer before they had to separate. Whatever, she would be back soon enough, it wasn’t like she didn’t freaking work there; they could get her car later.

Then she had to laugh at herself a little bit for the wave of pleasure that the word ‘they’ gave her. She was so lame and she wanted to roll her eyes at herself. Instead she just smiled at her, took the hand that had been placed on her thigh and they pulled away from the curb.

It seemed that neither really had much to say as they drove, which was alright with Beca. It wasn’t tense or uncomfortable and Beca marveled, once again, at how different she could be with Chloe. Silence like this normally drove her mad. But with Chloe it was - nice.

She felt strangely - Zen - was it possible to feel Zen? She didn’t know - but she felt something like it as she pulled up to the front of Chloe’s apartment. They hadn’t discussed any evening plans, she had sort of just assumed that Chloe would want to go to bed early since they had both been up all night but she looked over at Chloe and her face said enough. She just reversed into a parking spot, understanding the silent request.

It wasn’t like she was going to complain.

“Oh, err, hi.” Chloe hadn’t mentioned that Nick was in town at all, then again, they hadn’t done a lot of talking. Actually, she had kind of felt like a high schooler all day, sitting and glancing at her crush from across the classroom and bursting into giggles when she made eye contact.

“Good to know you’re alive.” Nick frowned, studying Chloe, a piece of pizza in his hand, threatening to drip grease on his shirt. Beca watched his eyes flick from her to Chloe then back to her again, not exactly giving her the warmest look. “You okay, Chlo?”

Chloe gave one long thoughtful nod, “I was having -” she searched for words for a second, “an epiphany,” she finally landed on with confidence. Once again it was so Chloe that Beca loved it. She had missed this woman. “Sorry.” Chloe’s face scrunched, twisting into shy apology.

Nick just shrugged obviously peeved, “You guys hungry?”

Beca went for the pizza, starving, but Chloe went to the fridge, searching for something with less grease.

“Best part of Jenn?” Nick whispered with a laugh, “She can eat pizza with me.”

Beca chuckled, taking a huge bite, “She’ll eat pizza.”

“Yeah, like once a year.”

Beca shrugged, she had no complaints. Well, that’s not true. She could easily complain about Nick and his company. If there was ever a time that she wanted some undivided Chloe time, it was right now.  And she kind of wanted her to herself. They might have had a fun night of drinking not that long ago but that didn’t mean that she felt any different about him; especially not after hearing about Chloe’s ‘epiphany’ and the damage she felt she had gained in her time with him. Nick – yeah – not so much. Actually, she kind of wanted to punch him more than usual. “Hmmm, what are you doing in town, Nickie?”

Nick smirked, and Beca scowled. She didn’t like the smugness on his stupid face. She had a feeling she wasn’t going to like whatever he was going to say either. Nick stretched, noisily scratching his stubbled cheek and shrugged, “Chloe was lonely.”

Yeah. Shouldn’t have asked. She looked the other way, pretending she hadn’t heard him.

“So Bec,” He leaned back, that boyish grin slowly blooming on his face, “You want a beer?”

“Fuck off, Nick.”

Chloe came in and sat across from her and Beca found that she didn’t even mind.

“So how is Hope?” She asked around a bite of her dinner, “You two were really cute together today.”

Hope had all but imploded to meet the other Bellas captain that morning, going on and on about the choreography and Chloe’s voice. She had been so exuberant that even Chloe, who loved attention, had blushed hard.

“She’s good. Yeah, it’s been so weird; she brings out this totally different side of me because she’s so shy and quiet. But we’re doing really well. God, she’s so into a capella, dude. I mean you saw that, but really. I feel like I need to use this to my advantage but is it totally lame to do that? Like, I don’t know, I can’t move past the Bellas or something?”

“Play to your strengths.” Chloe gave her a smile and Beca felt herself go dumb again, a small ‘heh’ of a laugh falling from her lips as Chloe seemed to hook her eyes with ease, like some small creature in fly paper. After a second Chloe dropped her gaze, a satisfied smirk on her face and Beca grinned.

“I can’t wait to hear something from Kendra too. She should be in soon, right?”

“Two days. We should be recording by next week.”

“So uh, can I hear any of these songs?” Nick asked, glancing between them. “I mean, Kendra isn’t really my type of music but  _ this one _ played her so often when we were married that I kind of like it. Not that I would let any of my buddies at work know that.”

“Uh yeah, I don’t have any new Kendra  _ exactly  _ but-” Beca laughed, thinking of playing him ‘Jungle Gym’ - would he recognize the sounds of his ex-wife? Had she ever made those kind of noises with him? Anything so, she didn’t know, into it maybe? So loud, so totally and completely lost?

Ha!

Okay, was that smug? That was a little smug. She didn’t even care right now though.

“Yeah, maybe, let’s not.” Chloe’s face twisted into a thoughtful expression as she said it, reading her like a book as per usual.

Beca nearly choked on her pizza, hacking so badly that Nick reached over and slapped her on the back a few times. “Aaahgh!” She shoved him away. Who ever said that smacking someone when they were choking was a good way to remedy that problem? “But how come Chlo? It’s a good song.” She batted her eyelashes and Chloe ignored her.

“Wait, what am I missing?” Nick asked, his head volleying between them.

“So where’d you get the pizza, Nick?” Beca quickly asked, “It’s not bad.”

 

It was still early when they excused themselves, both exhausted. Nick didn’t seem to mind, but Beca did catch the way his eyebrows pulled together as they stepped past him, Chloe reaching for Beca’s hand as they said goodnight.

They got ready as they always had, side by side, Beca catching Chloe’s eye in the mirror as they washed away their makeup; Chloe catching Beca’s as they brushed their teeth, Beca using a spare from under the sink.

Each time they would stick for a second, memorizing the other’s face - as though they hadn’t memorized that years ago, they would study it until they realized the other was doing the same and then they would look away, sheepish and laughing.

When their faces were clean and dry, Chloe gave her a small side glance and hooked her pinkie finger around Beca’s, leading her back to her bedroom. Beca just followed, her chest tight with anticipation. She didn’t know if it was because she might get to be with Chloe now, she might get to touch her and taste her for the first time in too long or if it was simply that Chloe was leading her around so possessively; either one was okay with Beca – they were both kind of great. She fell onto the bed with a giggle, an honest to god giggle, when Chloe pushed her down by the shoulders. She scrambled up and sat, with her legs crossed under her, watching as Chloe shuffled through her drawers, getting ready for sleep.

Beca glanced around, had she actually slept here yet?

She didn’t think so, which was weird.

She watched Chloe mindlessly pull her hair up into a sloppy knot. Beca kind of loved it when Chloe put her hair up like that; it always reminded her of their shower incident. Plus, her hair just looked good up. She bit the inside of her cheek when, seemingly totally without thought, Chloe pulled off her shirt and stepped out of her jeans. She watched Chloe carry her clothes over to the laundry basket, chagrined as to how attractive Chloe could make a simple pair of cotton panties and bra look. She had to work hard to hide her grin as Chloe crawled across the bed and under the covers.

“Not coming to bed, Bec?”

Beca jumped, “Yeah, err, yeah, right.” Hell yes she was. She pulled off everything she didn’t want to sleep in and scrambled under the covers as well, a little too excited to go to sleep – a little too excited to go to sleep beside Chloe like this.

“What’s that smile about?” Chloe asked as she tossed for a second, getting comfortable, a giant yawn forcing a few mewling sounds from her.

“I don’t know, dude!” Beca cried, rolling her eyes, “Why are  _ you  _ smiling?”

“Because you’re smiling.” Chloe said simply, making Beca huff with feigned annoyance. Only, then Chloe leaned over and caught her in a kiss and she couldn’t even pretend to be annoyed anymore. Chloe’s lips, even innocently pressed to hers as they were, wiped all thought from her. Instead she scrambled up, crab walking a little higher on the bed to make Chloe’s reach easier. She loved the way that Chloe’s hands closed tightly on her arms, loving the little sound that she was pretty sure Chloe had never agreed to make; she loved the way that though she could feel sleepy pleasure radiating from her, she also could feel how happy kissing her made Chloe.

A shiver worked its way down her body when slowly, languidly as though they had all the time in the world, Chloe parted her lips, comfortably teasing. Pins and needles started to form in her extremities as Chloe’s lips sleepily moved across hers, in a way that told her that Chloe had no idea what the kisses were doing to her.

Fuck, she just - she wanted to consume every part of her but she could feel Chloe’s exhaustion. So instead when Chloe finally released her, she let out a gasp and flopped face down into the pillows, embarrassed by her own reaction, by her suddenly fast breath.

“Hey. Come back.” Chloe said into her ear, not helping at all but Beca grinned and turned over again, covering her face with her arm, as though that might somehow hide the fact that she hadn’t quite caught her breath yet. Chloe cuddled in under her chin, her head resting on her chest. Either she hadn’t noticed, or she just didn’t mind.

Chloe let out a long, body shaking sigh and Beca smiled, stroking the side of her face from chin to jaw and back as she thought, her mind tumbling over it all.

They were quiet for a long time; Chloe’s finger gently tracing the oval of Beca’s belly button, occasionally running her finger over the nondescript barbell that had sat nestled there since Beca’s traditionally rebellious teen years. “So what does this mean?” Beca flushed as she said it, already embarrassed that she needed clarification but - yeah, she did - after all of this - she did. A lot.

Chloe’s finger moved up and began to draw fight eights against her sternum as she took a minute to think. “Everything, I think.” She said it slowly, but not as though she wasn’t sure; she said it as though she was giving it the honest consideration that the question deserved.

Beca did her best, her absolute best to keep her response to her face, to not show it in her body.

Did that mean she finally had her? After the better part of ten years - did that mean - was she finally hers? God, she felt like she had just finished a ten-year-long marathon and yet, she had finished victorious. Maybe. Really? Was that possible? Chloe had said everything but - what was everything? She didn’t know, but she was sure as fuck going to figure it out.

Plus, this was Chloe.

When she made a decision, she followed through with reckless abandon…so…

“Beca?” Chloe’s voice was quiet, her finger stilling for a second.

“Hmm?”

“Do you really understand what’s coming for me? What my life is going to look like?”

“Um, you’re going to have to use more words than that, Chlo. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Willa.”

“Oh.”

“I mean, you understand that I’m  _ having a baby _ , right? I know that movies and TV and everything, they make it look like it’s nothing, but Bec, it won’t be nothing. I’m  _ having a baby.  _ And that - that isn’t small. There will always be this little person that I’m responsible for. I’m not - I’m not just me anymore. I don’t get to just go the movies or go out drinking anymore because I’ll have someone else to think about. There will be this little girl with me forever. It will literally change everything about my life, do you get that?”

“I know.” She took a deep breath and held it for a second, “Are you scared about that at all?”

“No.” Chloe said simply and then amended her answer, “Well, yes and no. I thought, when I was  _ planning _ to have a baby, I thought that it would be Nick and I. I thought that I wouldn’t be doing it alone. Or, I don’t know, that I would have someone to share it with, to pass things off to when it gets too hard. So, yes, a little bit. I’m about to be a parent. That’s a little scary. But at the same time, no. She and I - yeah, we’re going to be good. Unless I completely fail parenting.”

“You won’t.”

Chloe’s head came up to kiss her chin, “Thanks.”

“Hey Chlo?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t,” she frowned, groaning a little, “I’m sorry I didn’t  _ say  _ the things I probably should have.”

Chloe’s head didn’t move but she could feel her listening with her whole body, “Why didn’t you?” Her voice was soft, so soft that it let Beca know just how much she wanted the answer to this question.

“I don’t know.” She admitted, “I just, I dunno! You’ve always known before and I just, I guess I figured you would just say no and I would feel stupid. I dunno, I got all in my head.”

“And you convinced yourself that I didn’t want you.”

“See,” Beca laughed a little, “You know me so well.” She had thought - she had thought Chloe moving out was proof of it, a sign. Now she kind of wondered how exactly she had gotten herself there.

Chloe was quiet for a minute, her finger back to tracing Beca’s skin, “This won’t work if you don’t tell me when-”

“I know.” Beca nodded.

“Just because we didn’t have a title didn’t mean -”

“I know.” 

Chloe turned and placed a kiss on her chest, “Okay.”

Beca let out a happy laugh a few minutes later, feeling lighter than she had in awhile, “You know what’s weird?”

“What?” Chloe’s voice was like a sweet breath in the darkness.

“The way you’re laying has your baby bump pinning one side of my hip and I can feel Willa moving. It’s like Alien again. It’s so freaking weird.”

Chloe giggled, reaching for Beca’s hand and placing it on her belly, “She really likes the sound of your voice. It’s kind of crazy how much.”

“What’s crazy is that there’s this live thing inside your belly. How do you sleep like this?”

“I have to get very quiet and still. She usually quiets down that way. And if she doesn’t, if it’s really bad then I sing.”

“Really?”

“Yup.”

Hmmm, never underestimate the magical power of the voice of Chloe Beale.

They both grew still, waiting to see if the baby would settle, and with that sleep came quickly.

 

Beca was hot when she woke the next morning, really fucking hot. The sun was pouring in from the window, baking her but the real heat source was the woman wrapped around her.

Usually they were fairly independent sleepers. They often fell asleep cuddling but they always woke separate, beside one another but not really touching. They both liked sleep too much for that, and yet, this morning Beca didn’t really mind that Chloe was still wrapped around her like a sloth, her face buried in Beca’s throat, her arms around her waist, their legs tangled. Actually, she kind of fucking loved it - it was like, even in her sleep Chloe hadn’t been able to let her go. She could feel Chloe’s slow breathing against her throat and she smiled, almost laughing when she realized that she could once again feel herself being poked in the ribs by the little stranger in Chloe’s belly.

This was so weird.

This was such a strange, different universe from the one she had thought she would be in a year ago. She was now dating a woman who has going to have a baby. Yeah, that was a little scary, a baby was -  _ a baby  _ \- which turned into a kid - which turned into a person - but she was so down to give it a try. She didn’t know how much contact she would really have with this kid but - she happily bit her lip as she pictured that little redheaded girl up on her shoulders, giggling as she tried to catch bubbles.

She was pretty much cool with whatever.

She felt a strange somersaulting in her stomach as she got another jab to the ribs.

God, how the hell was it possible that Legacy was big enough to be felt like this now?

Willa was clearly changing a lot, had changed a lot since they had last been in bed together which, in truth, hadn’t been all of  _ that  _ long ago. She was growing so freaky fast. It was making her remember all of the times her parents had sighed and insisted she needed to stop growing, joking - mostly - that she was making them feel old. It was just happening so fast. She let her hand travel down to the stomach, rubbing the way that she had seen Chloe do when she was trying to calm the squirming thing inside of her.

This was  _ so weird _ . She was sitting there, rubbing Chloe’s baby belly. That, somehow, didn’t seem like it could be real.

None of this did.

If only hopelessly-pining-secretly-gay-college-Beca could see her now.

Was she really in? What would happen next time that someone assumed they were a couple? How would Chloe respond?

“It’s because I’m hungry.” Chloe’s voice drifted from the spot where her face was nestled, all coarse and gravelly with leftover sleep.

“Really?” Beca asked with a grin, “She’s moving like this because you’re hungry?”

Chloe nodded, rubbing at her eyes in a way that kind of melted Beca. “Well, if I’m hungry then she’s hungry, right? If I eat something then she’ll go to sleep. I’m really hoping this won’t be her pattern once she’s out of there.”

Beca laughed, euphorically giddy.

So, so, so weirdly awesome.

“Did I tell you that she sucks her thumb?”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Every time I go in she’s sucking her thumb lately.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Nope.”

Beca bit her lip, tickled, “Were you a thumb sucker?”

“No, I wasn’t. My parents wouldn’t let me, just like they wouldn’t let me have a pacifier. They were big on self-soothing. Were you?”

“Yeah. It was kinda bad actually. My dad had to put that stuff on my thumb so I would stop sucking it when I was four.”

Chloe giggled, burying her face deeper into Beca’s neck, “That’s adorable.”

Beca let out a surprised yip as she felt another jab. “Jesus.”

“Yeah, it scares me a lot of the time. I never expect it.”

“It’s just - fucking stronger than I thought it could be. Is that normal or is she some super strong bionic baby?” She grinned, rolling Chloe so she could straddle her knees.

Beca watched, hands on either side of the belly bump as her belly moved lightly. “So fucking weird. I don’t want to say creepy - or anything because that would be rude - and stuff- but it’s kind of creepy.” She watched with fascination growing and scowled when, after a minute or two, the bumps stopped. She ran her hand over Chloe’s stomach, starting from the top all the way down to the bottom, frowning.

Chloe laughed, “It’s early. Maybe she’s tired.”

Beca frowned deeper; she had been enjoying the show.

God, what was it going to look like when Chloe had a legitimately huge pregnancy belly? She didn’t know a lot about pregnancy or babies but she was still sure that Chloe’s belly was smaller than normal and it was already a little daunting.

She touched Chloe’s belly button which was only just beginning to flatten out, “Does that hurt?”

“No,” Chloe shook her head, studying the skin too.

She thoughtfully ran her hand over it again, wondering what her own body would look like in this state. She pressed, trying to get the show to continue on under the skin but nothing happened. Frowning, she pressed her lips to the belly button and said in a clear voice, “Come back, I was having fun.”

Okay, the squeal she let out when she felt another little bump should have been embarrassing, but she forgot to be embarrassed when Chloe let out a peal of laughter, rubbing and poking her belly, almost as if she were playing with the baby. Beca copied her movements, gently nudging and moving, far too amused when she felt something that seemed an awful lot like an arm move across her fingertips. “Fucking freakiest, coolest thing - what?” She had looked up and noticed the look on Chloe’s face. “Too much?” She pulled her hands away fast, “Am I being weird? Too much? Was it too much? My bad, I’m-I’m sorry.” She sat up but Chloe just bit her lip, shaking her head, “What, Chlo? You’re freaking me the hell out right now!”

Chloe grinned, hooking her by the back of the neck in that way that always made Beca feel powerless. Her stomach gave a quick flip-flop and she moved happily so their lips could meet, sensing that was what Chloe wanted.

“You know,” Beca mumbled against her lips a few moments later, “it’s really hard to kiss you when you won’t stop smiling. Like, kind of impossible, really. Could you just,”

“Oh,” Chloe’s face turned into a frown, “I’m sorry. Is that better?”

“Mmm, yeah thanks.” Beca rolled her eyes, ready to kiss that stupid adorable frown away; which she did – easily – all she had to do was lightly press and Chloe shifted so she could better meet her.

Beca kissed her and it wasn’t like the kisses the night before which had been sleepy and content. This time when she kissed her she felt something waking inside of her. She huffed, her breath knocking from her as she felt the tip of Chloe’s tongue meet hers. Chloe’s lips curved up into a smile again and Beca couldn’t stop hers from following, “Um, you’re doing it again.”

“Would you really rather I frown as I kiss you? Isn’t this something that  _ should  _ make me smile?”

Beca was grinning too as she gave an overly haughty one shoulder shrug, “Maybe.”

“Oh my god, shut up, Bec.”

The kiss was light, but despite the fact that their lips were barely brushing together, both teasing the other, Beca could feel the air around them changing. And she was desperate for it to, for things to change. She was teasing her, absolutely, but as she did she could feel her skin warming, could feel the way that Chloe’s leg was slowly working its way around her body.

She wanted to touch her, to taste her, to be a part of her. It was strange because she had felt this feeling before, she had felt this crazy urge – need - every day for years actually and yet the intensity never died down. But this time - this time it was different. She felt a - something - stir inside of her when Chloe’s hands cupped her face, pulling her in closer. For a second the intensity of the feeling kind of scared her. This – feeling – this - this was the kind of thing that wasn’t allowed. She had been hiding this for so long that old habits kicked in and she almost pulled away, almost recoiled in on herself, but Chloe’s fingers began to caress her cheeks and she paused, remembering that maybe - maybe this  _ was _ okay now? Maybe she didn’t have to hide this part of herself anymore. Chloe’s thumb brushed against her temple and across her cheekbone as though she knew exactly what Beca was thinking, like she was reminding her that she didn’t need to be scared.

It was invigorating. It was intoxicating.

So she pushed, feeling their noses brush, feeling Chloe’s lips curl into a smile and she kissed her through it, she kissed her as Chloe rolled them, she kissed her as she felt Chloe pull away everything between them, she kissed her like she hadn’t kissed her before because - a hundred cheesy Hallmark thoughts that she really would have rather had come from Chloe swam through her mind - it  _ felt  _ kind of like it was...the first…was it possible to feel like it was the very first time and yet feel as though they had been kissing for years? Was it possible to feel new and yet to feel as though their lips knew the others perfectly?

Ugh, god.

But even if it was lame, it was also kind of true and it egged her on; making her clutch tightly to Chloe as her fingers skimmed over her body, not so much for pleasure but just to feel.

She let herself be kissed, her everything turning to sap as Chloe’s lips moved to her ear, purring her name. Hearing it Beca let out a small moan, surprised by it, running her hands down Chloe’s smooth back and then back up. She gently closed both hands in her hair, pulling it loose, wrapping around her, letting her lips trail down Chloe’s jaw.

Every breadth of skin that touched Chloe’s own was static and yet soothed.

She breathed in her scent, as always, amazed by how arousing and comforting she found it. She could smell her skin, she could feel her softness, could smell her makeup, her perfume, her laundry soap, her shampoo; a million little scents that blended together to make Chloe.

“Bec?”

“Hmm?” She leaned up so she could feel her skin better, so her body could press against Chloe’s as her hands balled tighter in her hair, making Chloe moan a little at the pull.

She wasn’t sure if this was what Chloe had been asking for but she pushed and she laid Chloe out, palming her cheek and stopped there, distracted. She studied her face, remembering the first time she had seen her like this, remembering the way she had willingly laid across the bed bare, just as she was doing now. The look in her hooded eyes, the way her body twitched a little despite the fact that Beca wasn’t touching her yet. She saw her wild hair fanning across the pillow and thought that she kind of looked like some Celtic goddess as her teeth closed on her lip.

“What?”

“You’re just - so - _ so _ \- beautiful.”

Chloe beamed, reaching forward so a finger could gently trace her kiss-swollen bottom lip, “So are you, Bec.”

Her mouth swung open as though on a hinge. She wanted to deny that, to laugh at her or to make some silly joke but Chloe reached forward and gently pulled her to her and Beca didn’t bother because - the way that Chloe reacted when their bodies touched, the way that Chloe was looking at her - she - she felt it - she felt like, even if it was only in Chloe’s eye, she was kind of – that. So she pressed her face into her, hiding behind Chloe’s ear, hiding her blush until it had faded enough that she could kiss her way back down her jaw. Sucking lightly at her pulse point, she listened to Chloe’s breath catch as she ran her fingertips down her chest, over her breast and stomach and back up. She felt Chloe’s breath catch when her fingers traced over her chest, just under her collarbone so she sat up and watched Chloe’s face as she trailed her fingers back across it again, remembering as she did so. Chloe let out a breathy laugh, but Beca took it away as she leaned down and kissed her there, over her heart, in the same place she had kissed her so many years ago and so many times since.

Chloe let out a gasp and there was something in it. Fingers closed on hers, holding her there, “That’s where you belong, Bec. Right there.”

The words made her dizzy. She slid, her lips connecting back with Chloe’s, slipping her fingers across Chloe’s body, communicating as she gently caressed her chest, her nipples, her ribs, her hips, listening to each and every little sound, feeling every quickly inhaled breath.

“Baby-”

“Hmm?” Beca was lost, running her fingers up and down her thighs, her head resting on her chest, listening to the soft beat of her heart.

“Please.”

Chloe let out a quiet gasp when Beca touched her, Chloe’s hand hooking her neck again, the other planting firmly on her shoulder, her whole body going stiff for a moment as her eyes closed. “O- oh.”

Beca loved those little ‘oh’s’, the little sounds of pleasure that always seemed so heartfelt and yet, just a little surprised.

She needed to be closer and yet her body was already spread across Chloe’s side, her leg wrapped around one of Chloe’s. She pressed her face against her temple, thankful when Chloe pressed back, turning so they were face to face, noses brushing. She watched as Chloe’s huge eyes fluttered open, taking her in from this close range. She watched the way they flicked from each of her eyes, to her mouth and back, never wavering from her face as Beca slowly touched her. And Beca just watched, the way Chloe’s body moved, the way her shoulders twitched, the way her lips kept parting and then closing, parting and closing. The sight was enthralling, watching when Chloe’s eyes rolled, as they struggled to stay open, to hold Beca. She felt her breath brushing against her lips, heard every little gasp and sigh; this position, lying this way was so much more intimate than anything else.

Hers.

She was hers.

Finally.

After so long.

“What,  _ oh _ , what are you thinking?” Chloe’s eyes darted between hers, her eyebrows drawn with the concentration it took to speak.

She let out a bark of a laugh, “What is it with you and asking questions in moments like this?”

Chloe frowned, “Tell me.”

Beca just shook her head, a small smile on her face as she bit her lip. She leaned forward and gently kissed her face. Chloe’s breath caught and gently she pushed Beca back, covering her as she swapped places, littering kisses down her throat and across her breasts as she carefully but pointedly sank into Beca.

She hadn’t been expecting it so she let out a loud, “Oh god,” her fist curling in the sheet under her, her hips automatically rolling up to meet her, overwhelmed by all that was Chloe.

“Hey- that’s my line,” Chloe said with a playful smirk and because she knew that Chloe was waiting for it, she rolled her eyes, reaching for her, wanting to touch her too, trying to shift their bodies.

“No.” She felt Chloe whisper into her cheek between sliding kisses, “I want to touch you.”

Beca paused, and then she couldn’t argue anymore. Her hands cupped her jaw, kissing her slowly, uncoordinated as Chloe moved with expert precision. There were no thoughts left that weren’t Chloe.

She knew it wouldn’t take much. She could already feel it within her, this sense of new pushing her further than anything else could. She could feel Chloe possessing her, touching her as though she belonged to her and it was intoxicating.

“I love this.” She heard Chloe’s words like a breath as she kissed her face, “I love touching you this way, Beca. Mmmmm, Bec,” Chloe said her name as though it gave her pleasure. “I love you, Bec.” Beca gasped, her face burying in the curve of Chloe’s shoulder and neck so Chloe said it again. “I love you, Beca.”

Beca just held her, breathing her in and hiding, burying her face deeper, feeling the tears stinging her eyes. “Damn it.”

But Chloe just cupped her neck, holding her there and whispering, “I love you. I love you. I love you, Beca,” like she knew just how much Beca  _ needed _ to hear it.

Fuck. She couldn’t be closer, there was no such thing as closer, still Beca wrapped an arm around her neck so she could hold her, squeezing her to her.

She loved her.

Chloe loved her.

She fell over her edge as Chloe lowered her back to the pillow, kissing away the trails under her eyes; feeling herself rolling, tumbling, spinning while this woman held her tight.

Her body finally fell limp, her shoulders no longer pushing her off the bed and she sniffed, wondering if she should be embarrassed, feeling the humiliation over her damp eyes beginning to swirl in her stomach. Beca’s fingers drifted over Chloe’s flushed cheek and then fell to the bed, exhausted.

Chloe let out a soft giggle.

“Shut up.”

“I can’t.” Chloe bit her lip as she wiped the last bit of Beca’s tears away. “I made you cry.”

“Yeah, well.” Beca blushed a little, “What can I say? This shit kind of turns me into a blubbering baby.”

Chloe let out a high gasp, “This shit?”

“Oh don’t you even!” But Chloe’s pretend shock grew, “Don’t you even start, Chloe!” Beca warned.

“This shit!”

“Oh my god, shut up,shutup,shutup!”

“ _ This shit? _ ” Chloe cried as Beca growled, flopping them over. The movement didn’t change Chloe’s teasing at all though, “What do you mean by this shit, lady? There’s no way you can mean what just happened because that certainly cannot be labelled under any category of  _ shit _ !”

“Oh my god, you suck!” Beca cried, tickling her ribs and enjoying the way that Chloe squealed and kicked, “Staap!” But Beca was grateful for the teasing, grateful that Chloe had changed the subject away from her emotional side. It wasn’t totally her favorite.

“Uh-uh. Make me.”

Beca saw her mischievous grin, the way her eyes were alight and so - she did - more than once. They rolled and rocked, their laughter a different kind as they touched and tasted.

Beca loved it, feeling Chloe shudder under her, feeling her clutch at her, hearing her name cried out over and over again. She loved watching her go from her teasing brat self to absolute putty in Beca’s capable hands. She loved the way Chloe’s face fell open just before she rolled into orgasm, the way her hands clamped on either side of Beca’s face, the way that she tried to keep her eyes open before she gave up, one hand ripping through the back of Beca’s hair, the other in her own as she bowed off the bed, her whole body pressing into Beca’s as though that were the final thing she needed. She loved listening to the sheer volume she could pull from the woman who, though was vocal, was not often loud in this way. She loved that it was her name, no one else’s but hers, that fell from Chloe’s lips as her body contorted. She loved how powerful her hips could be as they pushed into her, as they moved sometimes with her and other times against.

She loved all of it.

It was pretty late in the morning before they finally rose, clad in pajamas and started toward the kitchen. She let Chloe take her hand again and did her best to hide her smile, pretending like Chloe’s constant need to hold it, to hold some part of her wasn’t a big deal at all. She bit the inside of her cheek and did her best to keep her hand casually closed, knowing that if Chloe looked back at her then the jig would be up.

“Good morning, sleepyheads.”

Beca froze just inside the door, Chloe’s fingers accidentally jerking her forward a step when she abruptly stopped. She had  _ totally _ forgotten that Nick was there - in the next room - ew. Had he heard them?

Probably.

Mouth hanging open awkwardly, she glanced at Chloe, but if her thoughts were anywhere near where Beca’s were then she was hiding it well. She was humming as she released Beca’s hand and moved across the room.

“What’s up, Beca?” Nick asked, his cheek twitching as though he was trying not to laugh.

Ooooh god, he had  _ totally _ heard them.

“Heeeeey, Nickie.” She shifted another glance his way and then went to Chloe’s side, kind of wishing she could hide her face. The thing was, it hadn’t only been Chloe who had been pretty  _ loud _ that morning.

Chloe, seemingly entirely unaware of the things happening around her, just smiled a little at Beca and poured a huge scoop or two of coffee grounds into the french press, starting Beca’s usual cup of coffee.

She was making her coffee!

Beca saw her doing it and kissed her ear, her chest all warm and fuzzy. Could she say it again? Was that allowed now? Had she said it again? She paused, her lips still at Chloe’s ear, “Iloveyou.” She said it so fast that it all came out as one word and Chloe giggled as Beca jumped away.

“So. How did you two sleep?” Nick asked, crunching into an apple.

“Ohmygod, shut up, Nick.” Beca spat.

Nick just laughed.

“Are you teasing Beca?” Chloe asked, finally tuning in.

“No, no way, I would never dream of doing that. Even if no one within a five mile radius could have slept through that racket.”

Beca felt an old and very familiar urge to reach over and smack him or throw her shoe at him or something.  

“But uh, I’m confused.” He continued as Beca ignored him, going to the fridge so she could help prepare breakfast. She watched Chloe put her usual fruit and veggies into the blender and made a mental note to bring her that damned juicer that Beca was never going to use. “I thought I heard a rumor that you were seeing someone else, Beca.” Beca froze yet again, one of the eggs nearly flying from her hand, “How is what’s-her-face?”

“Um -” she carefully put down the eggs and roughly chopped a pepper in half, unsure of exactly how to answer that. Fuck, Nick was on his game this morning.

“I mean, you’re seeing that chick, right?”

She sent a side glance at Nick, knowing without having to see him that he would have an entirely neutral look on his face.

“I uh,” She actually hadn’t seen Elle. The poor woman had tried, she really had but Beca just - she hadn’t been ready or something, she didn’t know. Either way, she hadn’t seen Elle romantically since Christmas Eve. As a matter of fact, she hadn’t even heard from her via text message since she had declined the New Year’s date, choosing instead to stay home alone. She thought it was going to be fine though. The only time Elle had needed to come in to discuss something for Kendra she hadn’t seemed at all uncomfortable or weird. She was pretty sure that Elle wasn’t surprised by Beca’s hesitance since that whole, you know, ‘who is she’ thing. She was pretty sure they were just going to move on like colleagues, which was kind of awesome. Maybe one day they could all be friends. Elle was pretty cool.

She glance at Chloe and saw that the woman had a sweet - too sweet look on her face; ‘kay, maybe not. She opened her mouth ready to admit all of this but Chloe spoke for her.

“Nope. She isn’t.” Beca paused, the knife hovering over the pepper she was dicing as she shot Chloe a side glance, “Elle can’t have her. She’s  _ mine _ .”

Beca felt herself swoon, grabbing the counter top because for a second there she wasn’t totally sure that she wasn’t about to fall the fuck over and this knife she had in her hand would be very painful if it fell on a toe.

Had Chloe just said that? Like...

...had she really just said that?

She looked at Chloe’s face and it was set, determined... _ jealous _ .

Nick just shook his head, “I don’t think I will _ ever _ understand you two. I’m starting to wonder if I’m even capable of understanding you two.”

Beca bit her lip, watching him go and really not giving a shit if he got them or not. No, what she cared about was the set look to Chloe’s face, the way one eyebrow was slightly higher than the other, the way her lips pursed tightly together as she prepared her drink and plunged the french press a little too aggressively. Beca watched for a second, loving the way that the look didn’t slide off of Chloe’s indignant face. “Do you think I’m still seeing Elle?” she finally asked; her attention back on her work.

“It’s okay, Beca, I just - that’s the past now and-”

“‘Cause, um,” Beca cut over her, “You know, I uh, I actually haven’t been dating her this whole time, I uh, I kinda haven’t seen her in almost two weeks. We only went on the one date.”

She let out a yelp as she was yanked around, Chloe’s fiery eyes a breath away from her, “Are you serious, Beca? Really?” She didn’t think anyone could have controlled the sound that came out of her as Chloe attacked, mauling her with her lips, sweeping her tongue in and out of her mouth with a startling fury. “Really? You haven’t been - She hasn’t - you didn’t -”

Beca’s mouth popped open and she needed a second to clear her head. Had Chloe been thinking that she and Elle were fucking? Yikes. “Nope.”

“Oh my god, I’ve been picturing - terrible-” she didn’t finish. Instead she shook her head a bit a muttered, “Really?” Chloe pressed her against the counter, her smile jubilant as she leaned forward to kiss her again, her hands pulling her hips against her, her tongue swirling in a way that made Beca whimper and hold on tight, worried about tipping over. “Jesus, making out with you is fucking addicting.”

Chloe didn’t respond, just kissed her again, and kissed her, and kissed her until Nick cried, “ _ Guuuuuuys,  _ you burnt the eggs,” making them both jump, guiltily.

Chloe just laughed, pulling more eggs from the fridge and looking unabashedly pleased.

 

****

 

She and Beca had gone through a lot of ‘normals’ in the past months and while all of them had been great - well, maybe not all of them - this one was Chloe’s absolute  _ favorite _ . Over the next month they were back to normal - for sure - only, it was also kind of a new normal, a new and improved normal - a better than ever kind of normal.

She always woke with that sense of simple, uncomplicated happiness; the one that she had felt when they first had begun their romantic relationship, only now it was amplified a hundred times over. She got up each morning, and whether she had woken in her bed or in Beca’s, she went to the kitchen, had a snack and set up two yoga mats. Within a few minutes Beca would stumble in and flop down, groggy and rubbing her eyes. They never planned this, but it made Chloe bubble with excitement every morning, especially because two out of three mornings Beca just threw on a pair of underwear before joining her, having learned early that topless yoga was something that Chloe enjoyed very much. Actually, thanks to this neither got fully dressed for their morning yoga anymore, sometimes deciding against wearing anything at all. She had loved yoga before, but it was a daily morning treat now; especially when it turned into a very different kind of exercise there on the living room floor. And it did more often than not since both found it their mission to goad the other as much as possible, trying to push the other to crack.

Once that was through - or time ran out -  they would eat breakfast together and Chloe would get ready for work while Beca showered. She would give her a kiss goodbye and she would head out the door, all but squirming at the delightful domesticity of it all.

It was a good thing her mornings were so delightful these days because work was getting - hard. Very hard. She was really starting to get uncomfortable now. She knew, with just under ten weeks left, that she was ‘popping’. She had lost all sight of her feet a while ago and now her belly reached further than her breasts. She wasn’t quite ready to call herself huge but she was trying not to feel self-conscious as she definitely attached the word ‘... _ big _ ’ to herself. She loved it, in a way. She loved the weird stretchy pants and the way that she looked in a maxi dress but it was getting hard. All throughout her pregnancy she had envied the photos she had seen of Jenny with her huge baby belly that had popped so early; now that she was getting one too, she was a little less sure and often wondering if she should have been a little more careful about what she had wished for. She was beginning to sit as she taught or perhaps she would lean heavily against her desk, her hand under her belly as though holding it would help the pulling ache in her back. The kids didn’t mind her shuffling; as a matter of fact, all of them had been amused when she started rolling around the classroom in a desk chair, loving that they could take turns pushing Miss Beale around. Even the chair was difficult though. Her legs were strong, they had always been strong but after a few days of wheeling herself around her legs began to hurt as well as her back and shoulders.

If her mood fell because of this, though, it was always improved when she sat down to lunch and, like clockwork, got a call from Beca. She always grinned, enjoying the simple act of informing her colleagues and friends that her _ girlfriend _ was calling, which made them all laugh at her good-naturedly, having heard the story one night when they had gone out to dinner. The lunch time conversations with Beca were never long, they were mostly Beca checking up on her but they always left her smiling.

Once her workday was over she headed, either back to her own apartment or to Beca’s, depending on how the mood struck and whether or not she had yoga that evening. When they were at Chloe’s apartment the two would cook, going over their days, singing, dancing, laughing, chatting with a comfortable ease that was mind blowing. If they had decided on the condo they would always begin the evening by standing outside of Emily’s door for a while, begging her to join them, insisting that they understood, that they could talk, that they could not talk, whatever Emily wanted so long as she didn’t cut herself off from them. More often than not Emily would refuse, unable to look them in the eye as she did and they would continue on with their night, perhaps a little bit sadder but soon, and far too easily, they were caught up in their own new thing.

Finally, once the evening came to an end they would crawl into bed to have the best sex that Chloe had ever experienced, the kind of sex that turned her into mush, the kind of sex that - once it was over - would just make Chloe laugh because - how was it even possible?

Then they would sleep, pleased, even eager to do it all again the next day.

Even Aubrey had to admit when she called her a few days into February that Chloe seemed happy.

“That would be because I am. Very much so.”

“Because of the leprechaun? Really?”

“Brey, you should  _ see _ her. She’s basically glowing all of the time. She’s been working with Kendra, actually they’ve kind of been working like crazy but it seems like it’s going really well if Beca’s mood is anything to go off of. She says that they just ‘get’ one another which is awesome. She’s kind of amazing, Brey. You know she is willing to give me a foot rub or a back rub pretty much whenever I need it, which, b-t-dubs, is pretty much always these days”

They had been on the phone for an hour already, Chloe singing the praises of this new place she found herself in with Beca. She knew she needed to calm it down a little before Aubrey got nauseous but she just couldn’t. It was all too awesome!

“Alriiiiiight, fiiiiiine, Beca is wonderful and you two are very happy.” Chloe bit her lip, swallowing her laugh at Aubrey’s clipped tone. “Great. But, I’m just going to go ahead and ask it. I’m going to say what you haven’t said.” She took a quick, official breath on the other end of the line that made Chloe bite the tip of her tongue, “What is going to happen say, oh, at the end of next month?”

Chloe opened her mouth, confident, “Um, I’m not totally sure, we haven’t talked about it but I’m not worried.”

“Oh yeah? You think she’s ready to watch you be a mom?”

“Oh my god, Brey!”

“What? Seeing someone pregnant is not the same thing as seeing them with a  _ newborn _ .”

“I think - I think she’s ready to do just about anything.”

Aubrey gave a rude snort.

“Did you know she quit smoking?”

“What? When?”

“I’m not sure exactly. She hasn’t talked about it but at some point between December and now she quit smoking and I’m pretty sure she did it for me, maybe even for Willa. Which is impressive because I know how stressed she is with Kendra, Grasshopper, Emily and all of that.”

“She still drinking?” Aubrey’s voice took on that quiet anxiety that it always did when any of the three of them spoke of Emily.

“Yeah. We don’t really know what to do anymore. We cleaned out the house, there’s nothing here or at my place, we’ve tried to talk to her about her meetings, Beca even went to one with her.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, and she said it was clear that no one had seen Emily there for a while. Beca even thinks that Emily is going over to visit Hunny when she disappears. Emily swears that she doesn’t, she swears that she isn’t but I don’t know, Brey, we have done everything we can find online. We’ve talked to her - a hundred times - but it even says online ‘love your friend from a distance.’ Which is crazy. What are we supposed to do with that?” She knew she was getting a little shrill; she always did when it came to this subject. “I mean, she’ll talk to us, she’ll spend time with us, but the moment it comes up she just shuts down. She retreats. Her ability to run puts Beca’s to shame. We don’t know what to do.”

“Have you tried calling her sponsor?”

“Yeah, but he either changed his number or the number that she gave us was never right because it doesn’t work, which is a whole other issue. Beca asked about him at the meeting but they didn’t seem to know him. She thinks that Em used to go to a different meeting than the one she took Beca to. I thought about going to all of the meetings in the area but there are so many!”

“I don’t know, Chlo, I don’t know what to tell you. Have you called her mom? Benji? The other Bellas?  _ Her  _ Bellas?”

“No, not yet. I want to but Beca - she seems to think that would really make things worse. Emily always jumps a mile into the air when we mention Katherine and I really get the impression that she was much closer to us in that one year than she ever was to any of her Bellas, even her co-captain.”

“And Benji?”

“I don’t know. Beca is really against it and I’m trying to have faith in her. I think she must know something that I don’t.”

“Chloe! I don’t know if you two have much of a choice anymore.”

“Yeah, I kind of think you’re right.”

She was a little stressed when she got off the phone with her friend, unsure as she always was when she thought of their struggling sister. She knew that Emily was there today, Beca had started overlapping Emily and Kendra’s appointments hoping that Kendra and Emily would become friends, hoping that Kendra’s presence might help Emily in some way. Beca hadn’t told her a lot about how it was going but she got the impression by the pained look on Beca’s face whenever it came up that maybe it wasn’t going very well.

She couldn’t help but to feel like they were being just absolutely horrible friends. No. She knew they were. Maybe if she and Beca hadn’t fought when this came up things would be different, they wouldn’t be this bad. She just had no idea what else to do. Maybe she and Beca should go into an A.A. meeting and talk to someone about this, ask for advice or - something. She couldn't believe that loving Emily from a distance was really what she was supposed to do. She couldn’t do that!

 

Her Saturdays weren’t normally as free as she was today; usually she had something to grade, let alone her yoga class but the class had been canceled this week and somehow she had gotten most of her work done the night before while Beca was at a release party with P.J..

She paced a bit post phone call, but the more she did the more she thought about Emily.

She loved Emily so much. She was so worried about her. Always. She was always worried about her.

She spent a while on the couch, lying on her back and playing with Willa - as best as they could play, which was surprisingly well. She would poke and prod a spot, running her fingers back and forth and the little girl would twist, kicking back almost as if it tickled. She loved it, it  _ felt _ like the little girl was playing back. Press - bomp - tickle - stretch. Though, this usually ended with her moaning because any well-placed kick to her bladder sent her running before she burst.

She tried to spend a while looking up pregnancy factoids and bits but she stopped as soon as she began. At this many weeks along the info was long past telling her to set up her nursery and was now on to discussing packing a hospital bag to have ready - ‘ _ just in case _ ’.

She didn’t like that just in case. It was too early to think about that, right? She was only thirty-one weeks out of forty!

Finally she pulled herself up, something that was getting to be impossibly hard and decided that she would take lunch to her  _ girlfriend _ .

That wasn’t strange, she thought as she prepared the food. It wasn’t strange to call Beca that. It fit so naturally and now, on the other side of the title, she couldn’t understand what she had been so afraid of. All the title had done was take away the weird stressors and get them back to when things had been better. She had been - stupid.

 

Chloe hummed as she drove to Grasshopper, parking in the small lot that Beca had insisted be cleaned out and repaved so she could put in a gate to park behind.

The lobby was empty, save for Josie who, after a firm talking to, was getting better about being at her desk during the day. Still she saw the girl jump when Chloe walked in, guiltily trying to hide the fact that she had her earbuds in.

Chloe just ignored that, shaking her head. She really wanted Josie to get better at her job, she really wanted her to make it but she wasn’t sure that Josie was as dedicated to doing a good job there as Chloe wanted her to be. “Who is she in with?”

“Um, Emily, Elle, and Kendra.” Josie swallowed, her eyes large.

“So Em showed up today?”

“Uh...yes?”

It was funny, despite the fact that Chloe knew nothing about the music business, not really, and despite the fact that she was not actually affiliated with either ‘Paul John’ or ‘Grasshopper’, Josie always responded to her as though she were indeed a boss as well. Perhaps Chloe should use that to her advantage and have a very kindly worded talk with her about what Beca needed from her. Maybe she could solve this problem for both of them. Perhaps another day though.

“Okay. Don’t let Beca catch you with those in.” Chloe called, having barely heard her, as she started toward the soundproofed door. She suddenly stopped dead, her hand on the door to the studio and without knowing why, she ducked a little, “Josie. Joossieee!” She hissed at the girl who had put her headphones right back in. “ _ Josie! _ ”

The assistant jumped, “Yeah? Yeah, what, um, what can I do for you?”

“Did you say Elle?” She asked in a whisper, her heart suddenly racing.

“Um, yes?” Josie gave a quick nod, looking like she wasn’t completely sure.

Chloe realized she was still hunched over a bit and stood.

Elle? As in  _ Elle _ -Elle?

Well. She stood taller, her lips pursing as her shoulders squared. This was going to be interesting. She took a deep breath and pulled the door open, ready to claim what was hers.

It was clear that Beca and Kendra were working hard, even from this immediate viewpoint. Beca’s shoulders were hunched as her fingers played over the buttons and knobs, her head bouncing just a bit to the beat.

Chloe hadn’t been in for a while now, not since Kendra arrived. It had been clear that Beca was very happy with it all, Kendra and their work together, but she had also been very,  _ very _ busy. Chloe hadn’t wanted to interrupt, so that meant that thus far she and Kendra hadn’t officially met. She hoped it was okay that she was there now; she was very excited to meet her. Chloe spent a moment wondering which person it was who was giving her fangirl flutterings in her belly, Kendra - whose album she had in her car - or Beca, her badass currently -in-the-zone girlfriend.

“Be with you in a sec.” Beca called, too focused to look over her shoulder.

“I can wait.” Chloe said a little breathlessly, her eyes flicking to the other two women in the room so fast that she hadn’t really been able to see them.

Beca sent her a quick glance, surprised and smiled, one finger going out.

She just nodded, setting the food down and finally taking a second to glance around. On the couch across from her, thoroughly engrossed in an iPad was a beautiful, sleek woman in a tight and flattering business suit.

Chloe had to work to stop her jaw from dropping.

_ This  _ was Elle?

She looked away quickly so that Elle couldn’t catch her gaping.

She stood; her lips a thin line and turned pointedly away.

She was gorgeous! Oh my god, she was beautiful! This was who Beca had gone on a date with? A wave of intimidation rolled over her and she felt dumpy in her skinny jeans, heeled boots, and drapey maternity shirt. She couldn't help but to suddenly remember that though Beca had said that she and Elle had only dated once - she had never mentioned what they had done  _ after _ the date.

No. No, Chloe, don’t even go there! It doesn't matter. Not at all.

She squared her shoulders again, refusing to feel uncomfortable in this space. This was Beca’s space - and Emily’s - and both of those women were her family. She would not feel uncomfortable here.

Pointedly she turned away from the woman, who hadn’t as of yet bothered to look up, and started toward Emily.

She was sitting as far from Beca as she could, in a hoodie despite the fact that it was pretty warm in the studio, her eyes staring at nothing. “Hey, Em.” She sat down and pulled her in for a hug. Emily went rigid, as she always did these days, but let herself be hugged.

“Oh, hey Chlo.”

“How ya doing, sweetie?” She pushed some of Emily’s lank hair behind her ear and felt Emily only stiffen further, leaning away. She wished that Emily would stop that. Yeah, she could smell that she had been drinking, but she loved her. She didn’t need to keep her distance. Hadn’t they told her that a thousand times now? God, they had to find a way to help her. They had to talk to Benji. She was still sure that Benji was the only one who could really help. Yes, she and Beca loved their friend but it wasn’t the same. And Emily, she always seemed so sad these days. She was sure it was because Emily missed him. She looked into the girl’s morose face and remembered, as she always did, what Emily had told her once, ‘He’s like a soft blanket when you’re sick’. Even if they didn’t call and ask him to help them with Emily, she should just call him. He was probably lonely too.

She reached over and took Emily’s hand, leaning her head against her shoulder. Despite her tension Emily interlocked her fingers with Chloe, squeezing hard. “Are you hungry?”

“No,” her voice was small, curt and uncomfortable with this kind of affection these days. It was so strange. They hadn’t really known one another during their year in the Bellas together but since then they had always had a physically affectionate relationship. Emily seemed to understand that type of connection and crave it, just like Chloe did. Chloe wondered, not for the first time, if Emily felt like she didn’t deserve the affection. The thought made her squeeze her hand a little tighter before she placed it on her belly.

She watched the transformation with amazement. This was the only thing that Emily still seemed to enjoy. Emily wouldn't look at any of them anymore. She wouldn’t be a part of them but times like this, when her hand was on Chloe’s belly, they could see their Bellas’ Legacy shining through. Emily grinned, tentatively at first and then wider and wider, looking up into Chloe’s eyes for the first time since she arrived. They stayed that way together, Emily slowly inching out of her shell, until Beca sighed and spun in her chair with a clap.

“Hey baby,” Beca gave her the grin that had become her favorite long ago. Unfortunately that meant that the girl next to her went stiff again, disappearing from her.

She felt Emily try to pull away, try to pull back into herself, but without looking at her, Chloe held her tight. “Hey you. I brought lunch.”

“You did?” Beca crowed.

“Yup.” She pushed herself up, teetering ever so slightly, but Emily’s hands on her hips steadied her, “Sorry, I don’t think I’ve picked up the skill of walking with this thing yet.”

She had only just found her center of gravity when suddenly there was an excited scream which made Chloe jump and teeter all over again and then the door to the isolation booth came flying open.

“Well, there’s no doubt in my mind, this  _ must _ be Chloe!”

The other woman on the couch looked up, but only as a reaction to the noise. Still, it reminded Chloe that she was there and that weirdly made her want to stand a little closer to Beca.

“Was it the hair or the watermelon under her shirt that gave it away?” Beca asked dryly. She had stood ready to somehow catch Chloe from across the room when she teetered. Now she simply leaned against her, wrapping her arm around her waist.

It made something warm and happy in Chloe bubble over. She smiled at her and, because she could, gave her a little side squeeze.

“Kendra, hi! It’s so nice to finally meet you!” She was happy to give the woman a hug, the scent of her sending quick memories of Chloe’s very first morning sickness through her mind.

“I can’t believe it’s taken us this long, girl!”

“I know, right? I have no idea how!”

There was a small throat clear from the other couch and Chloe watched, more than amused, as  _ all _ the color drained from Beca’s face. She clearly had not realized that she was standing in a room that held both Chloe and Mystery-Woman-Elle. Chloe slowly gave her a smirk, watching Beca blink once before she finally turned to the other woman.

Elle was still staring intently at the iPad as though it had offended her but she was slowly standing. “I’m sorry about that. Hello. Hi.” Elle gave Chloe a brisk smile.

“Hi!” Chloe clicked on a smile, her arm a little tighter around Beca’s side, so tight in fact that Beca gave a little squeak.

“I’m sorry, I don’t meant to be rude. Excuse me for one moment.”

“Of course!” Chloe chirped, sweetly, her hand running up Beca’s back and to the nape of Beca’s neck.

And the woman was sweeping out of the room, lifting a ringing phone to her ear.

“And uh, that’s Elle.” Beca said, scratching the back of her neck and avoiding Chloe’s eyes.

“Mmm-hmm.”

“Um-” Kendra frowned.

“Don’t worry about it, Kendra.” Beca said quickly, glancing at Chloe.

Chloe just bit her lip and grinned.

Kendra was sweet, in a very down to earth way, just like Beca had said. She praised Chloe’s vocals in ‘Jungle Gym’ just enough to have Chloe grinning from ear to ear. “And this thing; do you mind?” She asked, her hands hovering over Chloe’s belly.

“Nope, not at all.”

“How far along?”

“Thirty-one weeks.”

Kendra laughed, “So close! Are you swimming in baby stuff already? My sister by this time could barely open her front door without diapers and rattles spilling out.”

Chloe just laughed, “Not quite yet.” She really...yeah, she had to do that.

“Name?”

“Willa.”

Chloe grinned, touched and amused when it wasn’t her who answered but both Emily  _ and _ Beca.

Kendra laughed, open and loud, “Yeah, definitely not enough love in this room for that little girl.”

“Is there such a thing?” Chloe teased, “Though this one,” she gave Beca a little shoulder bump, “hates the name.”

“Whaaaaat?” Kendra gasped.

“Dude, it’s so cruuunchy! Which, you know, this is coming from Chloe so I don’t know why I’m surprised.”

“Hush, you.”

“You don’t listen to her sourpuss face,” Kendra grinned with a wink, running her hand over Chloe’s belly like it would bring her good luck, “Willa is a beautiful name for a beautiful girl.”

Chloe grinned. The jury was still out on whether or not Kendra would be recording ‘Willa Girl’ but now that she was meeting her, she kind of hoped that Kendra would. She liked her energy. “Why thank you. Are you hungry? I have food.”

“Damn, surprise visits and lunch? You alright, Strawbs.”

Chloe grinned and unpacked, bringing a portion over to Emily, “Hey, will you eat this? I know, I know, you’re not hungry. But for me?” She gave her a wink and Emily frowned caving. “Awes!” She gave her a peck on the cheek. The studio door opened and Elle walked back in, pausing as she saw everyone being served.

“Elle, there is another sandwich here if you would like it,” Chloe offered because she felt bad. It was going to be her sandwich but she could wait.

Still paused just inside the door Elle gave her a stiff smile, “Oh that’s okay, I only eat organic and free range.”

Chloe didn’t bother to tell her that she did too, she just smirked.

“I apologize for that, I skipped our introductions.”

Beca cleared her throat pointedly and it was only then that Chloe realized her arms were crossed, her lips in a thin line. It could have been Kommissar standing before her, instead of this other, random and totally rude woman.

The lithe woman took a quick step over and offered her hand, “Elle Kweon, Kendra’s handler.”

Would it be rude if she didn’t take it? The devil on her shoulder could be a powerful thing. This woman had gone on a  _ date  _ with Beca! In the end she gave in, but said in a clear voice, “Chloe Beale, Beca’s girlfriend.”

Across the room Beca gave an explosive cough, shooting bits of sprouts and bread from her mouth.

Hand still in Chloe’s, Elle paused, a new light coming across her face. Her mouth fell open ever so slightly and then she gave a small, forced laugh, “Ah. I see.” Elle gave a nod, hearing the claim in Chloe’s voice. She gave her a slow and thorough once over, her fingers settling under her chin, speaking to Beca though she didn’t take her eyes from Chloe. “So this is the ‘she’?”

“Uh,” Beca slunk over to them, laughing awkwardly, “Yeah, this is the ‘she’ of ‘who is she’.” Eyebrow high Chloe gave Beca a confused look, “It was this thing that she said - you know what, never mind, doesn't matter.”

Elle’s eyes narrowed appraisingly and then she turned away, talking to Beca - something which made Chloe want to snarl. “I apologize but I have to go. I have a lunch date.” She sent Beca an amused grin, “Well. I see your struggle now, Beca.” Elle sighed, picking up her jacket, “She’s beautiful.”

Chloe’s arms crossed tighter, her eyes squinting a little as she said, “Thank you,” but that thank you had sounded a little more like ‘yeah, you better run’.

She turned and Kendra was staring expectantly at Beca who was looking back at her like a deer in the headlights.

Amused Chloe walked over and planted a long - long - kiss on Beca’s lips that made her eyes go all hazy.

“So. Food?” Chloe grinned around the room and each woman gave a small nod and continued eating.

Chloe hummed, loving the way Beca just placed a hand against the small of her back, like she just needed to touch her because she was close.

She was all but preening with pride as she watched the three women take a few bites of their food, seeming pleased. It was nothing special but she liked taking care of Beca and Emily - and by extension Kendra.

“Um, Kendra, do you need a break? I can’t remember when we started but you’ve been in there for a while, right?” Beca asked through a mouthful of food, ruffling through the papers on her desk.

“I dunno but I’m good, I think I can keep going for a while.”

Chloe watched as Beca frowned, checking her watch again. “You know what, let’s give it an hour or so just in case. Make some tea. Em, you’re up, Flashlight.”

Chloe glanced around, half sure she would see the door still in the process of swinging closed or perhaps an Emily shaped hole in the wall. Instead she saw Emily swallow hard, her eyes shooting to Kendra and then unwillingly to Beca and herself. She looked so nervous, she looked so - miserable.

Chloe knew that Beca had been forced to have a totally professionally based sit down with Emily in which they had a long talk about the album. They had agreed that they both wanted to give it one more try but Emily didn’t look like she was thrilled about that.

“I don’t -” Emily started to tell the floor.

“Eeeeemmmm.” Beca sighed, her frustration apparent and Emily jumped up.

Chloe frowned. Maybe - maybe pushing her right now wasn’t going to be all of that helpful. She knew that they didn’t have a choice, she knew that they had a schedule to keep and it was already far behind but she worried. She was also worried about Beca. She knew that she would feel bad if she realized that she was pushing Emily too hard.

She chewed her lip as she watched Emily sluggishly pull herself into the isolation booth, her eyes cast downward. She reminded her of all of her students when they got called on to read in front of the class.

“Look, Em, I know that things are hard right now,” Beca said softly into the mic that led to the booth, “I know, but look dude, you totally got this. You’re amazing and awesome and a total badass. You so have this. Yeah? We’re gonna kick some ass and take some names and then go out for that shaved ice thing that you like. Come on, it’s me, I’m right here and we’re doing this together. I gotchu.”

Chloe wondered as she settled herself beside Kendra across the room, if she should be saying something too. But maybe this was a good time to let Emily and Beca be Flashlight and Bec. She would happily help but she could see a small smile creeping onto Emily’s face as Beca spoke.

Benji was the key to helping Emily, yes, she was sure of that but she also thought that perhaps Bec was another part of the key.

“Okay so, we were working on ‘Freedom’ last time, right? I dunno. No, I know you think it was okay but,” Beca frowned as she clicked a few buttons, listening to something for a second. “Yeah, the beginning is really wobbly, let’s try it again, yeah? You wanna sing through it once? ….yeah...yeah...um, maybe try going up there instead, it’s still a bit wobbly.”

Chloe pretended not to watch, dismay filling her as the women tried to navigate something that she had seen them do so many times before. Making music was just something that they both did, especially together, it came as natural as breathing - usually.

“Remember, you come in on the - right - yeah - the downbeat - no, not that one - right, yeah, no, no, it’s okay, it’s okay.”

She watched as Emily struggled, frustrated that though she could only hear one side of the conversation, it was clear an argument was forming. Emily was starting to pace the small room, her face dark and gloomy.

“Because that’s how it’s written - no - no really, that’s what makes it good - no, if you come in a beat later then everything is thrown off - no, Em, we can’t, we really can’t go back to the drawing board - no, seriously - just, just try it again. Come on, dude....Awesome.”

She watched Emily’s pink face scowl as Beca clicked the music back and Emily began to sing a moment too late - and then again - and then again. Each time made Emily twitch just a little more, her frown deepening, her eyes growing red rimmed. Her fingers had begun to curl around the headset covering her ears, clenching until the knuckles were screaming white.

“What? No, I’m not! How could I even shorten it? No, it’s boom, go, there’s only the one note. Dude, _ you _ wrote it! No! I’m not speeding it up! Why would I do that?”

Chloe’s lip was beginning to grow sore as she watched the exchange, the whole room filling with uncomfortable tension. She was fighting the inclination to step in, watching the session going down the drain at an alarming speed. She knew Beca wasn’t trying to be callous, she knew that she was frustrated, just like she was sure that Emily didn’t mean to be so quick to anger.

Kendra was perched on the other end of the couch from her. At first they had tried to have an easy conversation over the budding fight but eventually they just stopped, Kendra pretending that she couldn’t hear and then eventually slipping outside to get a glass of water.

 

Emily and Beca were  _ fighting! _ Openly fighting! This wasn’t right! They had never fought like this. Yes, sometimes when they were in the heat of creating they started to bicker about what should go where and how it should sound but there had never been this layer of nasty in it.

Finally Beca hissed, taking a long and calming deep breath, “Okay, okay, let’s just try a different song for right now, cool? Awesome. Yeah, it’s no biggie, no really. No biggie! We got this. Um, let’s do, oh, let’s do ‘I got you’. Yeah, come on, you love that one, remember? You got all excit- right, cool. Okay.  _ Okay. _ ”

She could see Emily fidgeting through the window; her face looked like she was trying to solve a calculus problem. Her hands clamped down on the headphones again and she frowned, her face hard as she began to sing.

Chloe had seen Emily sing what felt like a thousand times, of course she had, they all loved to sing and they sang together a lot. She had always loved to watch Emily sing because her eyes twinkled, she danced, she looked so happy but right now she looked like she was on the verge of angry tears.

“No biggie, that sounds awesome Flash, but let’s try it again, you missed that low A. No - yeah - exactly - no, really, it’s okay - come o - okay, cool - okay, okay, I’m going!”

She watched Emily stomp her foot, her fingers beginning to shake.

“No, right there - yeah - no - Em, you should know, you wrote it - dude, why are you arguing with me? I have the mus - seriously!?”

She watched as both of her friends faces turned purple, anger setting in their eyes.

“I’m not saying that! I’m no, no, I’m not! I have the original sheet music that  _ you  _ wrote. Dude, what the hell? Are you serious right now? Em-”

Chloe let out a small yelp when suddenly the headphones that Emily had just been wearing flew at the small window, creating a loud bang.

“Emily!” Both Beca and Chloe cried, shocked that Emily had just thrown her headphones.

The booth slammed open and Emily came roaring out, “YOU’RE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT, BECA! YOU’RE NOT!”

Beca’s face went white and it seemed for a minute that she was just going to excuse herself but then, in her usual bad habit, she argued back, “I’M NOT SAYING THAT I AM BUT LOOK, LOOK AT THIS RIGHT HERE, THERE IS AN ‘A’ THERE! LOOK!”

Chloe tried to rise, scratching to pull herself up but she lost her balance and sat back down hard, “Guys!” She couldn’t believe this! She couldn’t believe what she was seeing!

“WE HAVE LITERALLY NEVER FLIPPING RECORDED IT THAT WAY!” Emily stomped.

“WE HAVE  _ ALWAYS _ RECORDED IT THAT WAY! WAIT, WE’VE NEVER RECORDED IT BEFORE! COME ON, EMILY, THIS IS JUST BECAUSE OF - OF HOW THINGS ARE RIGHT NOW! TAKE A FEW FREAKING MINUTES AND CALM DOWN, DUDE!”

“STOP ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON WITH ME!” Emily exploded.

“I’M NOT BUT YOU’RE BEING KIND OF UNREASONABLE! I SAID I WOULD HELP YOU, I SAID WE COULD DO THIS TOGETHER! LIKE - I DON’T KNOW, WHAT THE HELL?”

“OH! NOW?”

Chloe’s hand had found its way to her heart, rubbing tightly, aching as she watched Emily stumble, her face dark as tears sprang from her eyes.

“NOW YOU WANT TO HELP, BEC? BECAUSE AS FAR AS I CAN TELL EVERYTHING ELSE HAS BEEN MORE IMPORTANT! YOUR DRAMA, YOUR SHIT! YOU SAY YOU’RE THERE FOR ME BUT YOU’RE NOT!  _ NEITHER OF YOU ARE! _ YOU’RE MORE WORRIED ABOUT EACH OTHER! YOU  _ ALWAYS _ HAVE BEEN! LIKE, AS LONG AS I’VE KNOWN YOU!”

“HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU WHEN YOU’RE HIDING ALL OF THE TIME? I WANT TO! WE WANT TO! WE SAY THAT LITERALLY ALL OF THE TIME BUT-”

“FUCK YOU, BECA!” Emily cried, turning on her heels and marching away.

Chloe tried to stop her, tears in her own eyes now, she tried to catch her but Emily pushed through her grasp easily and stormed out.

Chloe’s jaw was hanging when she turned back to a stunned looking Beca. She could see that Beca was trying to keep a hold on her temper, that she was trying but she couldn’t believe what had just happened.

“Bec,” she lowered herself back down, hating the feeling in her chest, “she’s kind of right. Where have we been? Oh god, Emily. She’s so right.”

Beca’s head fell into her hands, “I’ve never seen her like that before.”

Chloe opened her mouth but she had no words. She hadn’t either.

“You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.”

They both jumped; unaware that Kendra had entered the room again.

“No! I refuse to accept that! I refuse.” Beca all but shouted back. “Shit. Err, shit, I’m sorry, that was not cool. Sorry, I just- oh my god, what’s wrong with me?”

Kendra nodded once, seeming to think about it for a second before saying, “I’m going to go on a coffee run. Would you like something?”

They both declined, a little embarrassed by the happening a few minutes before.

Beca sat down beside Chloe once Kendra was gone, stunned. “I don’t know what to do.”

Chloe took her hand, “No, I don’t either. But we’ll find something.”

She could see that Beca wanted to cry, that she wanted to be upset, instead she just sat silently, eyes blinking slowly

“Look, let’s go to a meeting tonight. Let’s go and see if we can get any advice, okay?”

“Okay.”

This seemed to cheer them both up a bit because by the time that Kendra came back they were smiling again, laughing. Surely someone would have a magic answer there.

Chloe didn’t stay long after that, not wanting to take from their recording time. She was pleased though when Beca decided to walk her back to her car.

“You know what I’ve been thinking? I mean, aside from the train wreck that is everything about me with Emily these days.”

“What have you been thinking?” Chloe asked, kissing their interlocked hands and deciding to let that comment slide.

“You know what we haven’t done yet? Like ever. Like even once.”

“What?” She bit her lip, loving the look on Beca’s face.

“A date.”


	17. Chapter 17

 

“Chlo?” Beca called as she unlocked the front door, and while it wasn’t her first time using the shiny new key, it still gave her a thrill. It was one of those weird things that came with working through your mid to late twenties like ‘look, I’m adult enough to have my girlfriend’s apartment key’ - as well as something along the lines of ‘holy shit, Chloe likes me enough to give me her apartment key!’ Not that Chloe hadn’t always given her a spare apartment key. “Chloe?” She called again, a little concerned as she slipped her keys back into her pocket, “I’m here! Anybody?” She frowned into the silence. Hadn’t Chloe spent like two hours at her place today, convincing Emily to come over and help her get ready? Why was it so quiet? “Um, hello?”

…..Kaaaaay….

 

The last week with Emily had been kind of weird. She hadn’t apologized, something that Beca was waiting for because - what the hell, dude? While there had been no apology, there had been a lot of awkward shuffling...when they saw one another, that is, and frankly Chloe had been having a lot better luck with that than Beca. She was trying hard not to take it personally that one of her best friends was avoiding her like the plague. She was trying  _ really _ hard and only just managing it - and only if she didn’t let herself think about the fact that Aubrey too avoided her now.

Emily still insisted - absolutely  _ insisted _ \- that Beca was lying about the ‘A’ that Emily kept missing - she was insisting that Beca was speeding up the music so that Emily had missed the downbeat over and over again.

It was all so unlike Emily that she could barely process it.

It was kind of stupid, really.

Then again - that’s what drinking did, right?

“Um - guys?” She turned, heading to the bedroom and let out a high shriek of surprise when suddenly Emily bounded around the corner, pushing her backward by the shoulders. She flinched, half thinking that maybe Emily was about to hit her or something. She really - really - hoped not. She tried for this whole I-swear-I’m-cool-thing but she wasn’t exactly tough and she wasn’t sure how she would take the hit. She was kind of girly under it all - maybe not as much as Chloe - but she wasn’t sure that she would - you know - do that - well - at least not sober. Let alone the whole coming from Emily thing. That would probably mess her head up pretty good. “Fuck, what the -” she nearly fell as the wobbly girl continued to force her back, “The fuck, Flashlight?”

But Emily wasn’t listening. Instead she was frowning, looking her body over and muttering, “No, no, no, no-”

“Uh…”

What? She wasn’t already nervous enough for this date? Did she really need Emily being all crazy-face too?

“No, no, no-” Emily frowned and pushed off her jacket.

“Hey!”

“And the shirt,” she muttered, untucking Beca’s shirt from her pants with shaky fingers.

“Dude, stop! What the hell are you doing, crazy?”

“Darn it. Well, best I can do.”

“ _ Hey! _ ” She had worked very hard on her outfit that morning; her room looked like a disaster area. She glared at Emily. Maybe this was a weird kind of punishment for putting the album on hold.

Beca hadn’t wanted to do it, she really hadn’t but there had been nothing she could do at this point.

“Hands off, dude!” Beca cried, slapping at Emily’s hands as she tried to ruffle the shirt that she had so painstakingly ironed.

Irons were hard. She had learned that the hour before.

Like, far harder than they should be. It had been a little embarrassing, really.

Emily let out a yelp as Beca got a good smack in on her wrist and began to slap back, their hands smacking each other’s for a minute before they both huffed and glared like children stuck in the backseat of a car together.

Emily sighed, chewing her lip, “Okay, yeah. I dunno.”

Beca frowned, watching Emily like she might attack again and moved around her to Chloe’s bedroom.

Okay, if she were being honest it had only been a few days,  _ still  _ Emily looked better since the album was put on hold. She needed to think about that, Emily had basically told her she hated it but then she had told her she wanted to keep going. So Beca had taken her rant on Christmas day for nerves. Maybe… anyway, right now was not the time to think about it. She turned and her heart gave a happy little humming flutter.

Wow.

 

Chloe looked great in color; reds, blues, greens, they all brought out different aspects of her complexion and matched her personality so well; but if she really wanted to slay them in the aisles - Chloe needed to wear black.

Black on Chloe - it was like whipped cream on pumpkin pie or that extra shot of espresso in your morning coffee.

It was just - good.

She let out a long breath, watching Chloe lean in toward the mirror, her lips twisting as she put her earrings in. The dress was a simple little black cocktail, the kind that would make Holly Golightly proud; her hair was up in a loose knot, leaving small tendrils here and there and her face was perfectly sculpted, warm and beautiful.

She watched as Chloe’s long lashes slowly blinked and Beca was momentarily impressed as to how dizzy the simple act made her.

Fuck.

She grinned at the face of her best friend, amazed and happy - embarrassingly so, enjoying the way it worked and moved as she thought her own thoughts. Beca folded her arms and leaned against the door frame, just watching her.

Unaware blue-ringed irises flashed up after a few seconds, away and then darted back in a double take, finally spotting Beca standing there. Instantly a smile began to unfold, those eyes twinkling, her lip snagging between her teeth. “Hey.”

Her head swam just a little bit as she smiled back, wondering if she would ever get used to this.

Nope.

This wasn’t something you got used to.

She had been better at not getting caught once but screw it.

Chloe was fucking stunning and she was looking at her like she had been waiting all day for her.

“What?” Chloe’s face had grown uncertain in the last few seconds, falling slightly.

“Wow, Chlo.” Beca chuckled. She remembered so many occasions of sitting across Chloe’s bed when she had been first dating Nick, watching as she got dressed. She remembered the jealousy and wishing more than anything that she could swap places with him, even for a night. That had, of course, led to a whole bouquet of weird day dreams that she would pretty much never tell anyone - ever.

She realized her mouth was slightly opened and squirmed uncomfortable, “Are you even like - real? ‘Cause-”

Chloe’s hands fell to her sides, uncertainly smoothing the dress and then, without any sign it was going to happen or warning at all - Chloe burst into tears.

“AAHHH!” Beca jumped, her hands going out in fear. “I didn’t mean it like that, I didn’t mean it like that!” She cried, kicking herself. “It was a compliment, I swear! Like, like, I dunno, like ‘hey babe, did it hurt when you fell out of heaven ‘cuz you’re an angel’ and - and shit! Damn it, Beca!”

“Emily told you!” Chloe’s foot stomped in what Beca was sure was her favorite sign of distress.

“What? Told me what?” Her voice was a little too high and shrill as she shouted back, her hands still out like they could stop the impending doom.

“Damn it!” Chloe yelled, “Why am I crying? I don’t need to cry about this!”

“I don’t know why!” Beca raced to her side, trying to find something wrong, “I don’t know, why are you crying, Chlo? What did I do? I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I swear I was just saying you look really freaking hot!” Her shrill voice echoed around the room, as she looked for somewhere to pat or to caress.

What the fuck was happening?

“She’s uh, she’s not so happy with how she looks,” Emily explained from the doorway.

“ _ Whaaaaat? _ ” Beca stared back, eyes wide. As far as she could tell Chloe looked fanfuckingtastic. She saw Chloe’s hand go to her baby bump and Beca understood, “What? Because of Legacy? Chlo-”

“I look like I swallowed the whole basketball team!” Chloe cried, trying to stanch the flow of tears, dabbing under her eyes with her crooked pointer finger, trying to keep her makeup in place.

Beca let out a laugh, somewhat relieved, “Are you kidding, Chlo? Jesus, dude! I thought - ugh - Chloe you look  _ amazing!  _ You’re gorgeous!”

Chloe’s face fell into a pout, “You have to say that,” but she could see that it had helped a little bit.

Beca helped to wipe under her eyes and then leaned over and kissed her cheek, “Yeah, only it’s also true. So. Stop it. I mean it.” It  _ was _ true. It was  _ so _ true. She had honestly forgotten to even notice that Chloe was pregnant, really, which...maybe that was bad...but it was just because her face had been so damn all consuming. How could she notice anything but those eyes when they were looking at her that way?

“Promise?”

“I  _ so  _ promise.”

It took a few minutes before Chloe believed her but in the end she was smiling again, her makeup fixed and Beca was beaming with pride.

“Look at you.” Chloe gave her a smirk, running her hand down Beca’s sleeve, “You look so sexy.”

Beca blushed. As a whole, she never really knew what type of lesbian to call herself - she wasn’t butch - she wasn’t femme - even calling herself a chapstick lesbian wasn’t quite right. She didn’t do a lot of dresses - she had a few and she wore them when she needed to or even felt like it - but she did like other things better. She owned a few pairs heels, but most of her favorites were boots - yet - she didn’t know. Today she had settled on something kind of in the middle, a flattering long sleeve top and a tight skirt and boots.

It had taken her a really freaking long time to settle on that, too but that was mostly because she was an indecisive crazy person and she had  _ known _ that no matter what she wore - Chloe would look better. Yeah - you could pretty much put Chloe in a trash bag and she would still look better.

“You ready to go?” She finally asked when she could stop blushing under Chloe’s stare. She could  _ feel _ Chloe enjoying her dressed right now as she much as she enjoyed her undressed and that was blowing her mind a little bit - and kind of making the hair on her arms stand at attention.

“Sure.”

“‘Kay, let’s, uh, yup, let’s go.” She nodded a few times, pointing them toward the door like an awkward flight attendant, oddly reminiscent of her freshman year.

They each paused to give Emily a hug and then they were on their way.

“So.” Chloe said, lacing her fingers through Beca’s as they pulled away from the complex, “I don’t want this to be our night, I mean, what we talk about all night, but -”

“Emily?”

She saw Chloe bite her lip and give a nod, “I don’t want to fight, please, but I’ve decided that tomorrow I’m going to talk to Benji. I know that they told us at that meeting to just be there for her and to encourage, not condemn and all of that, but we have to do something, Bec. What she said, god, I’ve been thinking about it all week, haven’t you?” Chloe’s voice was rising in pitch, a sure sign of her distress.

“Yeah.” Beca sighed, “Yeah, I have been.” She didn’t want to think that Emily had been right; she didn’t want to think that they had let Emily fall to the wayside in the face of their own shit but she kinda thought that they had. She drummed her thumb ring against the steering wheel and groaned.

“I mean, yes, she’s been better over the last few days, yes, but she’s not doing well and I just can’t watch that anymore, Bec, I can’t! We have to talk to Benji!”

“Chlo-”

But Chloe cut her off, “Remember when the reunion happened last spring?”

“Yeah.”

“You were in such a bad place, right? We were all so worried about you. All of the Bellas agreed, it wasn’t just me.  _ But _ if I had sent in Stacie after your accident or Aubrey or even Amy, would you have eventually listened?”

Beca frowned, she knew the point she was trying to make, “What? Uh, of course!” she shrugged her shoulders, “I mean, I errm,”

“No, Bec, you wouldn’t have. We both know you wouldn’t have. And I’m not saying that you don’t love those ladies because I know you do but -”

Chloe let her sentence trail off and Beca huffed. She knew she was right. No one was able to get under Beca’s skin like Chloe could. That had always just been an annoying truth. Beca ran her fingers through her hair; she really didn’t want to do that. She had always loved Benji. He was so weird; he was a total little freak but when he had shown up in Denmark, she had known the only reason why he had done it was for Emily. She had been so proud of him when she watched him finally kind of trip and fall into making a move. The guy was  _ still _ weird but that seemed to be one of Emily’s favorite things about him. Still, despite her general affection for the guy - despite the fact that he had been willing to go all the way to Denmark for Emily once - he had kicked her out when she needed him most. Then again - what else were they going to do? And Chloe, she didn’t really want to admit it, but Chloe had a point. “Yeah. I know. You’re right. We have to do something. We’re just enabling her right now. I know.” They had been wrong not to do anything before this. She saw that.

Chloe’s fingers closed a little tighter on hers, pleased, “We’ll figure something out. And Benji is going to help. I know it.”

“Yeah. I just -”

“You don’t like seeing her like this.”

She scowled, her face twisting as she admitted, “I feel totally like a grandma when I say this but I still see her as that  _ kid _ from my senior year like half the time.”

“I know, Bec. we’ll figure it out.”

“Right.”

They nodded and in silent agreement they let it go, both feeling a little better with this plan...at least it  _ was _ a plan.

 

Ten minutes later though, Beca wished that she could bring the subject back up. Nerves were beginning to set in… _ bad _ freaking nerves.

Chloe - she was so easy in so many ways. Beca knew that it didn’t matter to her what they did tonight, all that mattered to Chloe was that they were together but Beca wanted to impress and possibly to spoil just a little bit. She had chosen a really basic plan for the evening, seeing the beauty in tradition. Dinner and dancing, nothing complicated, just dinner and dancing.

Still, her stomach was cramping and swirling and she was pretty sure she was developing restless leg syndrome.

She watched Chloe closely as they pulled up to the restaurant, giving the car over to the valet and trying not to let it be noticed that she was so twitchy that she had banged her knee on the door as she got out.

Damn it!

She hobbled toward the curb watching Chloe as she looked up at the well-lit building, a small smile on her face.

‘Kay, so far, so good. Awes - ome - awesome - she wasn’t going to start saying ‘awes’ or any other Chloe-ism’s again, damn it! None of that!

She rolled her eyes at herself, biting back a laugh. “Come on.” Beca reached out and took her hand before opening the door for her.

“Thank you.” Chloe said with an almost shy smile, her eyes alight.

The inside of the place was swanky, everything in blacks and whites, reds and golds. Beca stepped up to the hostess station and gave her name.

“Oh yes, Ms. Mitchell, if you would follow me, please.”

Beca nodded, glancing at Chloe who was grinning brightly at the hostess - just because.

They moved across the restaurant, skirting the large dance floor, Beca still holding tight to Chloe’s hand, enjoying the feeling of it. It was so simple but it was so awesome. She was still thinking about that as she pulled out a chair for her.

She did catch Chloe’s little smirk, though.

“What?”

Chloe just shook her head.

“ _ Whaaat? _ ”

Chloe smiled to herself, smoothing her dress and uncharacteristically avoiding Beca’s eye for a moment, “I like the way you make me feel.”

Beca’s mouth opened but she had no idea how to answer that. She closed it, opened it, flushed and closed it again. “Good.”

Chloe laughed.

“Shut up.”

Chloe spent a second teasing her and Beca didn’t mind at all; actually she kind of loved it, though of course she rolled her eyes and threatened to leave Chloe here if she continued.

“You couldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? You wanna bet?” Beca asked with a cocked eyebrow.

“Well if you left me then you would be all alone in bed tonight and,” she watched Chloe’s eyebrow rise to match her own, “we wouldn’t want that, now would we?”

Beca’s mouth popped open but she found that, damn it, she didn’t have a comeback. Instead she just blushed furiously, almost annoyed with how pleased Chloe looked by that. “Okay!” she finally rolled her eyes to the ceiling, “You can stop looking so proud of yourself now.”

Chloe just grinned, biting at her lip.

“So.” She asked, smoothing a napkin into her lap, “Did you ever think that you would get here?”

“What, on a date with Chloe Beale? Sure. We’ve had hundreds of dates, remember? Every time we went out you called it a date.” She was being a brat and she knew it. Chloe gave her a smirk that pointed out once again that Beca wouldn’t be alone in bed that night. “Okay, yeah, the ending will be a little different. So no. Somehow that didn’t seem like it was in the cards for me.”

Chloe gave her a small smile, “I’m glad it did,” she said quietly.

“Yeah.” She smiled back, “Me too.”

She watched as Chloe took a second to look around, unconsciously pushing a tendril of hair out of her face as she watched to the dance floor. A gentle pleasure washed through her chest as she realized that Chloe was pleased. Beca had worried that this might be lame, yeah it was dancing, but it wasn’t dancing how they normally did it, like they had done in college or at The Royal. 

In the middle of the restaurant was a wide dance floor, filled with women in evening dresses and men in suits dancing slowly, arms around the other as some old standard played. It was the apotheosis of fine dining in Los Angeles and, god, she had been worried that Chloe would think it was kind of lame. That had been dumb though;  _ Beca  _ would have been the one to say it was kind of lame - even if she secretly loved it. Chloe - she was kind of lame. No. Totally not lame. Chloe was...classic. Dinner and a waltz? Yes, because that is a classic date combination and Chloe would love the romance of it all.

Chloe’s lamp-like eyes turned back to her and Beca felt a flush, embarrassed that she had been caught staring only - not quite as embarrassed as she could have been; especially when Chloe’s knowing grin grew.

“So any new kid stories?”

Beca, it turned out, loved to hear Chloe talk about her school kids. She wasn’t sure why, maybe because she never realized just how insane children really were, maybe it was the way that the stories made Chloe throw her head back and laugh as she told them.

Chloe let out a scoff, “Well, their newest thing is they’re obsessed with seeing my stomach. I think someone told one of them that it looks weird or something because they keep asking. And I keep wondering, like, is that something I could do? I just keep picturing Claudia walking in while my shirt is up.”

“Uuuuh, yeah Chlo, I kinda wouldn’t. Boundaries, remember?”

“No, I don’t think I should or anything,” Chloe gave a smirk, “not really, but they are obsessed!”

“Are all kids like this, do you think?”

“What, curious?”

“Total little freaks!”

Chloe grinned, “Yeah, I kind of think so. It’s what makes them so great.”

“I wonder what her weird thing is going to be. Legacy, I mean. Like, is she going to eat bugs, or like have this weird obsessive thing with Abbott & Costello or like, I dunno, collect bottle caps?”

“Or what if she hates to sing?” Chloe’s eyes grew comically wide as she whispered the unheard-of possibility.

“Well then we take her back to the hospital because clearly she was switched at birth. What if she’s one of those science nerds with weird experiments and plants all over her bedroom?”

“Bec - what if she’s  _ straight? _ ”

Beca’s snort was borderline rude, “Well then she can’t be a Bella. Oh, come on! You, me, Cynthia Rose, Denise,” Beca ticked off her fingers, “...Aubs made out pretty enthusiastically with Hunny. I made out with Emily. Stacie will happily sleep with anyone, male or female, and you even made out with her, and I’ve always kind of wondered about Jessica and Ashley...or Ashley and Jessica...or Jessica and Jessica, I dunno.”

“There is a lot of lady loving happening, isn’t there?” Chloe asked behind an adorable guilty face.

“Not that I’m complaining, but I’m not sure Legacy will fit in with the Bellas without some kind of lavender streak. Maybe her weird thing will be so weird that we can’t even think of it right now. Like, maybe she will only wear toe socks for like, her entire life.”

“I don’t know. I bet we won’t even notice it though, whatever it is. It will just be her.”

Beca blushed slightly disbelieving but liking what Chloe had just said. She liked it a lot actually, but she had - questions. “So like,” she hedged.

“Ladies, can we start you off with something to drink?”

Beca jumped, nearly knocking her plate to the ground as the server appeared beside them. “Sorry.”

They ordered their drinks and then, nerves suddenly returning, Beca stood, holding her hand out to Chloe. She didn’t need to ask that question; not right now anyway. Instead she asked, “So, can you move with that thing?” They both laughed because they knew she could, being pregnant and sore and kind of stiff didn’t seem to stop Chloe from dancing at all. Beca kept coming home to find Chloe dancing around the apartment, just like she always had. It was kind of impressive really.

“Okay, so I’m not very good at this.” Beca warned, pulling her to the dance floor, “All I know is what, well,  _ you _ taught me.”

Chloe smiled her most radiant beam, “I’m not worried. Not even a little bit.”

They had done a number in Beca’s junior year for the ICCA’s that had included the box step and the fox trot and, as usual, their head choreographer Chloe had gone out to learn everything she could so she could teach the girls. It was one of Beca’s favorite and least favorite moments; she had been tortured for months but she’d had an extra excuse to have Chloe in her arms for a while.

Beca let out a deep breath and pulled her in, begging her feet to work correctly and for her not to come off as totally lame on their first official date.

It turned out that she didn’t need to worry.

She took Chloe into her arms, watching the way Chloe’s lips gently curled into a smile, laughing when her belly got in the way and she just - she didn’t know, it was easy.

A small chuckle danced over Beca’s ear and she shivered as she pulled her in close.

Come on Bec, move your arms, move your feet, fucking relax, relax, relax, relax. Tiiime to relax.

She could feel how stiff she was, how tense, trying to be sure she kept the rhythm, trying to be sure that everything was correct.

“Your face is so serious.”

“Hmm?” She looked up at Chloe’s mockingly stern face.

“Relax.”

“Huh?”

“Bec, relax. It’s just dancing.  _ That _ ,” Chloe playfully touched her furrowed eyebrows, “is a little scary. Relax.” She leaned forward and kissed her temple. “You’re better at this than you think. And it’s just  _ me. _ ”

“Oh yeah?” She grinned, trying not to shiver at how close Chloe’s words were to her ear.

“Yeah.”

Beca bit her lip to hide just how much that tickled her.

“See?” Chloe gave her that smile that Beca loved so much, “It’s already better.”

She was right of course, the moment Beca had stopped trying her natural ability had taken over and they had begun to move smoothly. Still, Beca rolled her eyes, making Chloe bite the end of her tongue and giggle.

They danced easily for a while, Chloe understanding and moving to Beca’s thoughts before she could tell her and Beca holding her close, enjoying. It took her a minute but eventually she noticed that though Chloe’s hand was still curved around her shoulder, and she was still holding her close, she had also gone silent. Silent Chloe was always reason to feel some alarm. She looked up and saw Chloe rotating between looking at her with soft eyes and glancing covertly around them.

“What’s up, buttercup?”

Chloe grinned, her eyebrows high and Beca huffed.

“I don’t - I dunno what that was. Pretend I didn’t say it. What’s wrong though?”

Chloe’s smile was small and guilty.

“ _ Whaaat? _ ”

Chloe’s cheek blushed, “Nothing.” Chloe’s eyes rolled, giving in before Beca needed to fight her on it. She leaned in and covertly whispered, “I’ve just never been  _ this _ gay in public. People are looking.” She chewed her lip worriedly, “Is it weird that I noticed?”

Beca frowned.

Shit. She hadn’t even thought of that! Crap!

Chloe had really hit the ground running with this whole gay thing. At the most she had shown some mild hesitation with a few things in bed, but it had never been anything more than ‘I’m not sure how to do this right’. Even then, once she had been shown all hesitation had always vanished and she, in her very Chloe-like way, had moved forward insistent on being the very best. She had moved forward with gusto, actually. She had never seemed embarrassed or ashamed, always proud of who she was. She had never seemed nervous when she took her hand in public and Beca was pretty positive she had even been the one to kiss her once or twice in the public eye. So she had forgotten that Chloe  _ was _ still new to this. There were so many things she hadn’t done, so many experiences she hadn’t lived. And yeah, this  _ was _ L.A. so it didn’t happen as much as it would have, say back in Georgia, but Chloe hadn’t been forced to grow accustomed to people staring or, Beca’s personal favorite - the quick double take as if to say ‘Lesbians? Yup, lesbians.’.

Beca, not sure exactly how to handle Chloe’s first experience with the awkwardness of being a lesbian, just gave her a shrug, “Only a few. Of course they are. You’re beautiful.” Chloe’s mouth opened but she let out a small hiccup, her words stolen. “Look, don’t worry about them.”

Chloe bit her lip, giving her a small nod, “I don’t mind them looking, it’s more -”

“It takes a minute to get used to. I get it.”

“I guess so.” Chloe’s nose wrinkled, pleased that Beca understood and wasn’t offended.

“Are you uncomfortable? You wanna sit?”

Chloe thought for a second and then, eyes beginning to sparkle, she shook her head once.

“Okay.” So instead of letting her go, she pulled her in a little closer, Chloe’s cheek resting against her own.

“This is nice.”

Beca’s lip twitched, “Yeah, it is.”

The song changed, going from one smooth number to another, one that Beca knew.

She felt Chloe’s cheek move, felt her smile when Beca began to hum. She could feel Chloe listening with every inch of her being as they slowly danced. So Beca hummed a little louder, her hand pressing against the small of her back, just enough pressure to let Chloe know that she was there. She felt Chloe move and Beca knew, despite the fact that at some point her eyes had closed, Chloe was watching her. She felt her fingertips graze across her cheek and she knew, with the power of their years of friendship, what Chloe would look like in that moment. Her lips would be parted ever so slightly, looking at her with wonder - as though she couldn’t believe that she was in Beca’s arms; her eyes would be bright, so focused, but a small smile would be pushing gently through all of it. It was a look that Beca never understood, she could barely process it because when Chloe did this, when she looked at her this way, it was almost like Chloe thought  _ she _ was the lucky one. And that had never made any sense.

She just kept her eyes closed, moving them as one, humming in satisfaction when Chloe gently kissed her nose and then shifted so she could bury her face in Beca’s neck.

This was - this was what magic felt like, Beca thought, it wasn’t fireworks in July, it wasn’t some big Vegas act - it was totally this right here.

She couldn’t believe it, she couldn’t believe her luck - she couldn’t believe after so long she was so fucking in love with this beautiful woman who  _ said _ she loved her back. She wondered if that stupid-awkward ‘alt-girl’ who had just been assaulted by this naked vibrant woman would have believed that she could be here one day.

“I do.”

“What?” Beca jumped.

“I can hear what you’re thinking.”

Beca’s eyebrows shot up, “That’s fucking freaky, Chlo.”

“No, I just know you. And I do.”

She wanted to deny that she had been thinking about that very thing, insist that Chloe was crazy, but she could feel in the way that Chloe was grinning into her shoulder that Chloe was waiting for her to do exactly that. “How could you tell?”

“Your hand on my back.”

“You’re saying that could tell what I was thinking because of  _ my hand on your back? _ ”

“Yes.” She said it like a fact, like it was perfectly obvious that she would be able to tell that way.

Beca opened her mouth, ready to ask for more details, for some clarification but she stopped herself. She knew that Chloe would just say something like, ‘I just could’ and it would drive Beca crazy. Chloe never had a good answer for  _ how _ exactly it was that she was able to read her so well sometimes. “You’re amazing, Chlo.”

Chloe let out a small laugh.

 

“So. What are you in the mood for?”

They laughed their way through dinner, just like they always did, teasing and chatting with the ease that seemed to be saved just for them.

The food was amazing and when they got up to dance again.

“Let’s do this more, like once a week. Or at least, let’s try.”

Beca agreed, happily taking her hand as they left the restaurant.

“Promise?” Chloe asked, that playful glint in her eye.

Beca laughed, her own rolling, “Promise.”

“Okay.”

Once in the car Chloe let out a long sigh and leaned over the center console, taking a kiss that left Beca a little worried about her driving abilities after that, “You’re awesome, Bec.”

She grinned, “You’re not so bad yourself. So who’s place, yours or mine?”

Chloe chewed her lip, “Mine, I think.”

“Can do.”

Beca, and she couldn’t believe this was true after how much she had hated the idea of her moving, kind of liked staying at Chloe’s, or at least she did now that they were together and sharing a bed. The condo... she loved her place but with Emily there and kind of hating her, it felt less like  _ hers _ . Chloe’s, however, kind of felt like - well, it had a different feeling than the condo and she wasn’t sure what it was but it was something she liked. Maybe it was just being surrounded by so much obvious Chloe, everything smelled like her, everything looked like her. Maybe it was that she was just kind of over that whole the condo felt like an expensive hotel thing. Chloe’s apartment was always warm and it smelled like - she didn’t know - like - comfortable; like you could crash on the couch with a blanket and take a nap or you could hang out and watch TV.

Chloe unlocked the front door and Beca closed and locked it behind them, flicking the switch that turned on the living room light.

Chloe turned, with a smirk and flicked it right back off. Leaning over and giving her a kiss so soft that it made Beca’s head spin, “Let’s go to bed.”

“Uuuhh, okay.” Beca blinked a few times, still unable to handle direct and point blank Chloe. That was always going to turn her dumb and make her trip over her feet, she thought. “Twist my arm, why don’t you?” Instantly she rolled her eyes, “Okay, that was bad.”

Chloe smiled like she had just won first prize at the fair, hooking her by the back of the neck. The kiss this time was hot, no feather light brush, no gentle whispering of desire. Chloe’s lips immediately parted hers and pulled a rattling sigh from Beca. She felt her tongue slide gently, so gently against hers, and Beca groaned, pushing her so that they were against the wall.

Chloe broke the kiss with a gasp, her eyes fluttering as she found Beca’s, “I want you to make love to me.”

Struck dumb Beca just nodded silently. When had it gone from one to the other? They, as a couple, had fucked - they had sex - they touched, they pet - but when had - when had they started to - well, what Chloe had said? She didn’t know but she knew it was true. She realized she was still nodding, her head bobbing like a Jack-In-The-Box, so she forced it to stop and instead said, “Okay.” And then she nodded again because, god, she wanted to. She felt her hands sprawl across Chloe’s cheeks, pulling her lips back to hers, listening to Chloe’s quick gasp as Beca kissed her...and kissed her...and then kissed her some more.

“Come on.” Chloe caught her fingers and started to pull her toward the bedroom. Beca just followed.

“Give me a hand?” Chloe hadn’t turned on the bedroom light either but still Beca could see the coy smirk she gave her over her shoulder, waiting for Beca to unzip her dress.

It took a second for Beca’s feet to work but then she stepped forward, nodding like an idiot again. Apparently there had been something in their food or something because she was not processing well, maybe it was just that there was something in that smile. Her fingers fumbled with the zipper until she finally managed to pull it down, watching as the pale skin of Chloe’s back was exposed inch by inch. She stepped forward when the zipper could go no further and, starting with her lower back, let her hands slide up, across her shoulders and then down her arms, pushing the dress with it. Chloe sighed as Beca pressed a kiss to her bare shoulder and then to the base of her neck. She pushed everything else away, her eyes never leaving the soft skin, her ears pricked for each little sigh and purr coming from her girlfriend. When she was bare, she closed her arms around her, resting against her, her head against the curve of her neck, taking a second just to breathe her in.

“What are you thinking about?” Chloe’s voice was soft in the dark.

Beca frowned a little. What was she thinking about? The answer was - nothing, she wasn’t thinking about anything, she was just - feeling her.

She ran her hands down her arms, each hand interlacing with Chloe’s for a second before she ran them back up, “You.”

Chloe hummed, her hand going back to cup Beca’s neck, holding her against her until the trail of kisses that Beca was leaving across her shoulders moved her out of her reach.

Beca took a deep breath, a little dizzy, feeling everything else melt away. It was so strange, it was as though - nothing else was important. Her hands ran up Chloe’s ribs, coming up under her arms so she could press her shoulders back, pulling her tighter into her. It was like - she could feel Chloe everywhere, she could feel her lips on her face even though she wasn’t even facing her, she could feel her fingers tracing her, even though her hands were placed softly over Beca’s on her chest. She let them fall, running down her breast, feeling Chloe’s little gasp but then kept going. Her lips brushed the shell of Chloe’s ear, kissing her pulse point, her jaw. Chloe’s breath hitched as she slid to the spot Chloe liked behind her ear. It wasn’t until she felt Chloe’s fingers twitch as her teeth scraped her skin that she realized she was holding Chloe’s belly and Chloe’s hands were once again covering her own. She pushed them downward, cupping her hips before she slid them back up her body, not really in her head enough to be embarrassed.

Her hands found Chloe’s breasts again and Chloe gasped, “Bec,”

But Beca didn’t need Chloe to continue. Gently, tenderly, she took her to bed.

 

Chloe wasn’t in bed when Beca woke the next morning, the blankets shucked off of her.

It was starting to get hot - or rather, it was starting to get warm already. Winter was such a freaking quick thing in this part of California. She sighed, stretching, and debated if she really wanted to get dressed or not. She guessed she should. She could just walk out there as is; she kind of loved the surprised and hungry response she got from Chloe whenever she did that but - they had something they had to do that morning so she pulled on a tank and underwear from the pile of clothes that seemed to live in a corner of Chloe’s bedroom these days.

She frowned as she started toward the kitchen, what the hell was that noise? Maybe living with headphones on was fucking up her ears. She yawned, scratching her fingers up and over the back of her head, the other scratching her belly, her mind already drifting through the day.

She turned to enter the kitchen and stopped short.

“Ooooh my  _ god _ !” Beca breathed, her hand going to her mouth. Chloe was in the kitchen alright. She was clad only in her underwear, her headphones in her ears and she was...dancing? Only, this wasn’t the typical kinda cute, kinda sexy Chloe dancing; no, instead this was I’m-being-silly-because-no-one-is-watching-me kind of dancing. Chloe had a giant spoon in her hand, clearly what she was using to scramble the eggs and Beca watched, nearly choking as it bobbed, bouncing each time that Chloe hopped, yes  _ hopped _ from one end of the counter to the other. She watched Chloe’s head thrash, her hair going everywhere as she danced, twitchy and spasmodic looking like a mix between someone in a fit and a 90’s valley girl. It was the dorkiest - weirdest - fucking cutest thing that Beca had ever seen her do. She watched Chloe spin the spoon through the air as if she were conducting a symphony, her hips shimmying her back over to the other side of the counter, the spoon jabbing like a sword in the air a few times to accent some beat in the music.

Beca bit down on her hands, covering it with both so she didn’t make any noise. Oh my god, this was fucking amazing. This...this was - exactly how waking up should be, right? This is what it should feel like; this is what it should be like.

She watched Chloe freeze in place, the spoon out for a beat, maybe two and then she let out a high, “Whew!” and began to hop her way back across the space, her head thrashing wildly again, her arms waving as she bounced.

This was just - fuck - dating Chloe was awesome, even better than she would have thought, which said a lot because she had been pretty prepared for it to be the greatest thing ever. She still didn’t believe it totally - how could she? Things would get complicated again when Willa got there. Chloe would freak out - or, she didn’t know, something. This was too good to be true. But for now - she would take it.

Her hands were still clamped over her mouth, her breath hissing from the sides, just watching Chloe move when Chloe suddenly turned, the spoon still conducting whatever was happening in Chloe’s head. Beca had just a second to see the goofy grin on Chloe’s face, the way her tongue was stuck between her lips before the spoon went flying across the room as Chloe screamed.

“Bec! Oh my god, you scared me.”

Beca didn’t drop her hands, snickering as she tried to breathe.

Chloe’s wide eyes just stared back as she yanked the headphones out of her ears.

Beca had seen Chloe embarrassed, truly embarrassed a few times in their life but it was only a few. Yeah, Chloe blushed every now and then but truly embarrassing her was pretty hard. Apparently this morning Beca had succeeded though. She watched as slowly Chloe’s face turned from pale to scarlet. And that did it. Beca released the seal on her laughter and let go, doubling over and using the doorframe to keep her up.

“Oh my god, shut up! I had no idea you were up!”

Beca jumped over to her in two bounds and wrapped her arms around her, “Hi.” She gave her a tight - slightly suggestive - squeeze.

Chloe studied her face for a second, her eyebrows rising, “Really? My dorky dancing was a  _ turn on? _ ”

“I don’t know, it was cute!” Beca defensively cried, caught and blushing herself now. “Don’t judge me, dude!”

“I might have to judge you a little bit, Bec.”

“Ugh, shut up. If the tables were turned then you would say the same thing!” Her teeth caught her lip as she watched Chloe lick her own, feeling that small lick under her skin.

“Emily.” Chloe reminded.

“Damn it!” Beca cried, letting go of her while she still could, “Fuck! You’re right.” She spun on her heels, about to stomp back to the bedroom and get dressed but Chloe caught her by the underwear, making her jump and yelp as she pulled her back.

“Ow! Dude! Cotton - in - very - awkward - places!”

The moment she was against her she let out a loud moan as Chloe’s teeth caught the skin of her neck, her hand instantly cupping one of Beca’s breast, massaging it through her tank top. “Goddamnit, what - what’re you  _ doing _ to me? I can’t - even!” Her knee felt as though it was about to give out, “Oh my,my,my,my god, you jerk!”

Chloe chuckled, giving the skin a soft lick to contrast the harsh bite.

“Tease!” Beca cried, debating pulling away and tossing that thought aside as quickly as it came. Hell no, she wasn’t going anywhere! “Tease! Tease,tease,tease!”

“I can’t help it if knowing that you’re turned on is one of my turn ons.”

“Fuuuuuck!” Beca wailed as both of Chloe’s thumbs played over her nipples. “Oh god, stopit! Stop teasing!  _ No _ ,” she grabbed her fingers when they started to retreat, “don’t stop!”

“It could be worse.” Chloe let out a slightly husky giggle.

Beca, whose entire body was turning to jelly as Chloe worked up and down her neck, wasn’t so sure that was true, “Uuuuuum…I don’t - I don’t think so.”

“I bet it could.”

“Nope.”

“I can prove it.”

“Don’t think so.” Beca grinned, mimicking a previous conversation.

She should have known not to challenge Chloe, not when it came to being playful, not when it came to sex.

At first she couldn’t tell what she was doing; she felt her fingers trailing down her back and frowned and then, she felt Chloe’s breath punch from her, blowing across the side of Beca’s face and then suck back in fast. “Did you just - are you -”

She had to be freaking kidding right now.

She felt a small moan rise from Chloe and she lost track of herself. She didn’t know how it happened. Her mind had just suddenly gone all fuzzy, hijacked and displaying computing errors. Suddenly she was on her knees, Chloe halfway up the counter as she flicked her tongue in and out of her.

“Fuck, Bec!” Chloe was twitching, unable to stay in the position she was in but also unable to let go of the vice grip she had in Beca’s hair.

Beca smirked, pushing a little further, sliding a little deeper. “Gaaaah, ow!” She cried as Chloe clawed at her, yanking two handfuls of hair, “Dude, that’s still attached!”

“Don’t - don’t-” Chloe cried and when she couldn’t get the words out she just pulled again, pressing into her.

Smugly pleased she closed her lips around her sensitive bud, sucking, ever so lightly taking it into her mouth as she ran her tongue firmly against it.

Chloe let out a very satisfying shriek which Beca returned when once again her hair was yanked hard enough to make her see spots.

“Dude!” She grabbed Chloe’s hands, holding them firmly to either side of her thighs.

“I’m sor-I’m sor-” but her apologies turned into a long moan.

This was freaking awesome.

Yeah. This was  _ totally _ how mornings should be, pretty much forever.

“Bec! Oh go-oh god, Bec!”

She pushed a little harder, licking a little deeper, flicking again and Chloe’s hands sprung free, hovering over her as though she wanted to grab again but didn’t want to hurt her.

Amused, wanting to test a theory, Beca gave another suck and Chloe’s hands were back in her hair, “Ohgod,Bec,Bec! Shit! That’s so - oh god, that’s so good, fuck!” Her voice rose with each word and suddenly her whole body stilled, frozen in place and Beca moaned, feeling her orgasm hit. Fuck! She ran her hands up and down her thighs, her hips, reaching up to her ribs and caressing her breasts as Chloe began to breathe again.

She didn’t want it to be over, she didn’t want to stop touching Chloe so though she could feel her body going limp Beca pressed, sucking again as she slid into her.

“Whoa!” She heard Chloe cry and saw her knuckles turn white as she gripped the counter. “I just - I can’t - wh - aaaahhmygod! Areyou-areyoukiddingme?”

Beca’s free hand clutched the back of her thigh, nails digging as she moaned with her, feeling her tense. It didn’t take long before she fell into a second. Her whole body rode out the shockwaves with Chloe, amazed as always at just how long Chloe could continue to shake, her hands yanking at her hair again.

“Ooooh god, going down!” Beca cried as Chloe went limp, sliding to the floor. She did her best to catch her and they landed together in a crumpled heap.

“Oh god!” Chloe cried, her hands shakily pushing her hair out of her face, blinking fast.

“That was fun.”

Chloe let out a ragged laugh.

“‘Kay!” Beca jumped up, smirking and giving her a small ass swat, “Time to go!” She cried as she jumped out of Chloe’s reach, knowing that taking away Chloe’s ability to touch her was paramount to taking away her orgasm.

“Wait! You get back here!”

But Beca just let out a cackle, dashing from the room as Chloe yelled after her.

 

* * *

 

They were both on cloud nine when they got out of the car at Benji and Emily’s apartment, something Beca kind of felt bad about. Maybe having crazy sex on the kitchen floor hadn’t been the best idea right before this. It wasn’t exactly like this was a funny or fun situation right now.

That was kind of what Emily had been talking about, wasn’t it?

She sent Chloe a guilty look.

“You ready?” Chloe asked, leaning over and giving her a kiss.

“Yeah, let’s do this.”

 

Beca knocked, her hands going onto the back of her hips. Was this wrong of them? Would Emily forgive them for involving her boyfriend - ex - whatever he was? She had just lifted her hand to knock again when the door flew open.

The look on Benji’s face nearly broke Beca’s heart. His eyes quickly shifted between them and Beca could see that he wasn’t happy to see them; with each shift his eyes grew more and more remote. He looked so fucking defeated.

“Still drinking?” He finally asked, sounding like a man on the way to his wife’s funeral.

“Yeah, Benji,” Chloe reached forward and sadly took his hand, “she is.”

“Damn it.” His fist came down on the doorframe, his forehead following with a thump. Tears blossomed in his eyes and even Beca could see that he was squeezing the life out of Chloe’s hand, “I had hoped - damn it. Okay, come on in.”

 

* * *

 

Beca wasn’t totally sure that this was the best way to do this, but then again, these days she wasn’t really sure of anything when it came to Emily. She was glad that Chloe was there, her face set in that way that always happened when she was looking out for someone she loved. Which was good because right now she was the pillar of strength between herself and Benji, both of whom seemed a little less sure on their feet. Beca opened the condo’s door and Chloe took a long, deep breath before stepping in with a reassuring nod. Benji followed after Chloe, both turning toward the stairs, ready to head up to Emily’s room but Beca stopped Chlo with a hand on her arm, “Guys, yeah, I’m willing to bet anything that she’s down here. I didn’t come home last night.”

Benji frowned, wiping his palms on his shirt as he nodded and held his hand out so that he could follow them. Sure enough, when they rounded the corner there was Emily, curled into a tight ball on the couch.

“She sleep down here a lot?”

Beca just shrugged, really not wanting to admit that Emily avoided her so much that she probably came down here when she was gone just for a change of scenery. That thought made her feel like the old Beca, the one who had refused to even consider joining an a capella team, insisting she didn’t sing when really she loved to sing. Admitting that Emily looked at her like Beca was the wolf to her frightened bunny made her miss the times when she was sure that she didn’t need anybody and therefore she would just stay away. She clicked her tongue, trying to forget that and reached forward, ready to wake her when she noticed that for the first time Emily had slipped up, there was a small bottle clutched in her palm.

“Fuck.” She frowned as she pulled it free. It was one thing to know she was drinking, to smell it on her, to see her stumbling around the condo and yet somehow seeing the bottle like this was very different. It made a stone of anger laced worry drop into her stomach.

They all stopped for a second, freezing to look at the unholy little bottle, looking at it like it was a snake that would bite them if they weren’t careful. “I uh-” Beca wanted to say something, she wanted to apologize to Benji. She wanted to say something that would somehow make it better but unable to think of anything she just shook her head at herself and began to poke the woman awake.

Emily’s hair was frizzy, her face puffy and swollen as she slowly woke like a rusty car trying to turn over its engine. Emily moaned, her hands going to her eyes and pressing, “Becs?”

“Heeeeey Flashlight. So um, we uh,”

Emily sat bolt upright, her large brown eyes wide with terror staring at the little bottle, “It’s not what it looks like! It’s not what you think it is!”

An absurd, sarcastic reply popped to the front of her mouth, ready to shoot out: ‘let me guess, you were just holding it for a friend’, but she swallowed it down. This wasn’t a moment to be dry or snarky.

“Yes it is, sweetie.” Chloe’s voice was kind and there was absolutely no judgment in it, but it was matter of fact and there could be no arguing with it either.

“But-” Emily’s lip began to tremble, her eyes going to Chloe and then, in shock, darting to the man standing beside her. “Benji?”

“Hi, buttercup.” He shifted awkwardly, his hands opening and closing at his sides.

Beca watched, feeling strangely warm when suddenly Emily broke down into tears, staring up at the awkward and goofy man. She reached out and Benji was instantly there, helping her up. Emily buried her face in his chest, crying harshly as he wrapped his arms around her with no hesitation or awkwardness, his large hand caressing her head.

Beca took a small step back, giving them space, taking a seat on the arm of the couch. Chloe came with her, tangling her fingers with hers and giving her a hopeful smile. She knew what Chloe was thinking, maybe this was all Emily needed, maybe she just needed to know she was still loved.

That would be great, Beca would love if this worked like the true love’s kiss thing in Disney movies, that would be great, but somehow she kind of doubted it would.

Finally Benji put his arm over her shoulder and sat her down beside them. “Pumpkin, I kicked you out because I thought it would  _ help _ but it’s been so long and nothing has changed. I’m worried about you.”

Chloe ran her hand affectionately over Emily’s hair, “We aren’t really sure what to do to help you, sweetie.”

“You can’t! You just, you freaking can’t!” Emily howled.

“Of course we can, dude, we just need to, you know, know  _ how _ . That’s all.” Beca gave a shrug.

Emily’s eyes grew wide as she stared at Beca, “Oh my gosh, Beca, I’m so-”

But Beca just nodded. This weird shaky diva Hunny-impersonation thing that Emily had been doing - Beca knew there was no way that it was really Emily. Hell no, Emily was so much of the opposite that it was almost laughable. And though she had been kind of butt hurt about it, she found that she didn’t really need to hear it.

“I don’t know - I don’t know if I can- I just - if you knew what it felt like, if you knew-”

“But you can’t live like this.”

Emily just stared back at Benji.

“No, really though, he’s right.” Beca shifted, “Like, we’re not judging or anything but you have a  _ problem _ , Em, and if something doesn’t change then it’s just going to get worse.”

Emily squirmed.

“I uh,” she shot Chloe a look, wondering if this was about to get her into a lot of trouble. She hadn’t told Chloe about this yet. Chloe just looked back at her with a bright smile, far too bright for the intervention. “Right. Um. Did I tell you that I saw Hunny when I went to The Royal on Christmas Eve?”

“You went to-” but Beca gave Chloe a small smile and squeezed her fingers, reminding her that now wasn’t really the time and wordlessly promising she could ask later.

“No.” Emily shifted again, squirming so much now that she seemed a little bit like she was trying to sit on a hot grate, “You didn’t.”

“Have you, like,” this time it was Beca’s turn to shift awkwardly, “you seen her lately?”

“No.”

Beca still didn’t know if she believed that was true but she nodded.

“Really, Beca!” Emily’s hands flailed as she spoke, “I haven’t!” She huffed and they dropped into her lap and mumbled, “I’m not that far gone.” 

“Right. ‘Kay. Well. Um.” Beca ran her hands through her hair, “Basically she looks like shit. She’s lost so much weight. She looked like a walking D.A.R.E. ad. I mean, it’s bad.”

“I thought she was getting clean and - um sober?”

“Yeah, but apparently she didn’t. I didn’t - err - I didn’t ask her but I don’t think she stayed in rehab - or if she did - she went right back to it, I don’t really know. But she was drinking just as much as she always had.”

Emily shifted, looking down at her hands.

“She looks like death. And as much as I hate to say it,” and god, she did, “She looks like she’s going to die. Which -” she puffed out a breath, “is something, I dunno, that I need to figure out maybe, but I can’t just let that happen to you. I won’t.”

“None of us will, sweetie.” Chloe was giving her a narrowing look and Beca flushed, knowing she was in trouble.

Okay, but like, really not the time and they hadn’t been together and - yeah, trouble. She just gave in to it.

“Like,” Beca continued, “I almost want us to go visit her so you can see. She’s a train wreck. Well. She’s totally the same but that’s my point. She was kind of a train wreck before, right?”

Emily looked back at her, uncertain.

“Yeeeeah, maybe let’s not go see her though,” Beca said slowly through a frown.

“The point  _ is _ ,” Chloe said with a squeeze to Beca’s fingers, “we can’t let that happen to you, Emily. You mean too much to us.”

Emily looked between the three of them, her eyes full to the brim. “I just - I flipping  _ can’t _ .”

Beca’s phone began to vibrate  _ again _ , tearing at her already stretched nerves and so her words came out a little harsher than she had meant them, “Yes. Yes, you can, dude! Come on! Saying that means that you’re not even willing to try!”

“That’s not what I’m saying!” Emily immediately snapped back, her head whipping around to glare.

“That’s what it sounds like.” Beca shrugged, pushing her silenced phone back into her pocket.

Chloe’s fingers squeezed again and she snapped her mouth closed, cursing herself for letting her temper get the best of her even for a moment. That was not what Emily needed right now. She just had no idea what to do if Emily stood in a stalemate, refusing to even try. Hunny wouldn’t try and...well...the scent of the bar filled her nose as she thought of her, the feeling of Hunny’s hips pressing against her own - she needed Emily to do better than Hunny was. Hunny wasn’t even - hadn’t even tried either. That same guilt snaked in her stomach, turning it to oil for a second. She had no idea what to do about Hunny - if anything. It wasn’t like she didn’t care about Hunny...she did...so...

“Sorry.” She finally said, “I’m just like - worried - or - whatever.”

Emily gave a shrug, “Dick.”

Beca scoffed, chuckling up at the ceiling, “Yeah, well, maybe.”

But calling her the name seemed to cheer Emily a little, perhaps it was their silly banter because things got a little easier after that, she looked at Beca a little less like she thought she was going to attack her.

They talked for a long time, so long that Emily began to change; only highlighting their point. As the afternoon wore on Emily began to twitch, her words growing sharp, growing crabby. They watched as a pale sheen of sweat appeared on her forehead and her fingers began to shake.

They all understood why, of course they did. It was - really scary, honestly. Beca had known this was in Emily, she got that yeah, alcoholics had a hard time without something to drink, but she hadn’t seen - she had seen Hunny like this but never - never Flashlight. Seeing it she began to wonder if maybe they  _ should _ be calling Katherine too. She didn’t think the woman had any idea what was happening with her daughter. That so wasn’t cool. Katherine was good people.

Plus, she felt bad because she knew she was distracted, or at least she was kind of distracted. Her phone was ringing constantly, making her scowl because how was she supposed to play it cool if her phone kept going off like this? Chloe was going to notice something. Beca wasn’t exactly good at the sly thing.

Chloe kept bringing Emily glasses of water as the talk went on, perhaps hoping she could fool her body into calming down and Emily choked down all of them but eventually it was clear they needed to stop for the day. They were going in circles anyway by now and Emily was starting to look like she couldn’t hear anything they were saying. More than once she asked to ‘run to the bathroom’, else to ‘grab something really, really quick’ and each time Beca felt her skin crawl, wondering if she was asking because hidden upstairs somewhere was the stuff that would steady her shaking fingers. It seemed that her thoughts were reflected in Chloe and Benji as well because none of them really wanted to let her go. And their thoughts seemed to be confirmed when she came back from the bathroom looking a little more steady on her legs. It made Beca, Chloe and Benji all glance at once another, helpless about what to do.

They sat in silence for a long while after that, Benji’s arms securely around Emily as she cried over how her body felt, how her mind felt, over what she had done. “I don’t want to feel this way!” she moaned into his chest. “I don’t want to  _ be  _ this. This isn’t supposed to be me! I’m not supposed to be like this!”

“I know. I know.” Benji crooned, kissing her forehead, “Maybe we should go home for a while, go see our parents and-”

“No!” Emily cried, shaking her head and wiping her nose, “No. No way.”

“Em!”

“I told my mom that I wouldn’t do anything crazy and-”

“Sweetie, this isn’t crazy!”

“ _ No! _ ” Emily barked, making Chloe jump. “No!” She swiped at her wet nose, her face set.

“Okay, okay,” Benji soothed, pulling her back down before she had the chance to storm off.

“She can’t know about this. Not until it’s over. She couldn’t handle - she wouldn’t know how -  _ no _ . But maybe-” Emily hedged, “Can I come home tonight? I want to do it, I want to. I just-”

“We’ll help you, Emily.” Chloe cooed, her hand taking Emily’s.

Beca watched Benji’s insecure face, ire rising when he clearly needed to think about it. Was he freaking kidding? She needed to go home! Not because she wasn’t welcome in the condo anymore but because she needed to be in her home. The fuck was his deal?

“You can if you do the work.” He finally said, “It works if you work it, Em. You know that. But I can’t watch you wasting away on the couch again.”

Beca’s phone began to vibrate for the hundredth time, and stealthily she silenced it without even looking at who the caller was. She already knew. God, she needed to stop calling. She would call her when she  _ could. _

She was wiped. She felt just about as tired as Emily seemed and she was getting tired of jumping each time that her phone went off. She really wished that she would chill the heck out.

“Look this is a team thing, right? We’re all here. We got this.” She sighed, running her hands through her hair together as her phone refused to be silenced, ringing yet again on the tail of the last.

Emily looked up at her and Beca did her best to give her a smile.

“We can do this. Okay?”

Emily nodded, staring across the room blankly.

“We can.” Chloe grinned, her eyebrows pulling together when Beca’s phone began to vibrate for a third time in a row.

“Sorry, just work. So uh, I think that maybe we should help gather-”

“No!” Emily jumped up and then flushed, “I mean, uh, I got it.”

Beca opened her mouth, ready to tell her that they  _ already knew  _ that she had bottles upstairs, that she wasn’t exactly hiding it well and that it was fine, she should just let them help but Emily was up and away so fast that she didn’t have the time.

Benji sighed, watching after her and then stood to follow.

Beca was glad that he did.

“That went well.” Chloe smiled, taking her hand again.

“Yeah, I think - I hope it did, over all, anyway. Um, I need to um, bathroom.” Beca nodded.

“Were you on the phone in there?” Chloe frowned as Beca flopped down again beside her a few minutes later, cuddling in with a yawn.

“What? In the bathroom? Why would I be on the phone in the bathroom?  _ Some of us _ are private about that stuff, Chlo, no way. Ew.”

“Right.” Chloe eyed her and Beca just looked back, refusing to give into the squirm that she could feel broiling in her gut.

“You hungry?” Beca asked, jumping up when her phone began to vibrate in her back pocket again.

“I think it’s going to work. I really do.” Chloe said with happy confidence once Benji and Emily were gone and they were sitting down to dinner.

Even Beca had to admit that she was fairly hopeful. Benji was a good guy - she had been a little harsh with him. He loved Flashlight so much, that had to count for something, right? “Yeah. Yeah, I think it will too.”

“You sure you’re okay? You seem a little-”

“No, I’m good!” Beca said a little too quickly, making Chloe put down her fork with a raised eyebrow.

Fuck. Damn it.

She was so bad at this.

Her mind worked fast.

“Yeah no, really, I think, yaay to - that and stuff. Hopefully now - um -” she was sinking here, she was sinking fast, fuck! “I think that maybe Em - okay, fine, fuck!” She cried, throwing her hands into the air as she landed on the answer, “I wanted to surprise you tomorrow morning.”

“What?” Chloe watched her as Beca got up, mentally cursing and grabbed a small sheet of paper from her bag.

“This. God, I ugh, I suck. Surprise. Yay. I got you this.”

“What is - oh my god, Crista Gutierrez?” Chloe cried, her jaw dropping open as she looked over the small sheet of paper Beca had handed to her.

“Well I’m glad that you know who she is because everyone was all excited and I kind of felt like a jerk for not knowing. Yeah, I was gonna be all cool and suave tomorrow like oh, go to this address at this time but I suck at keeping secrets apparently. So, yeah. There you go. Surprise…” she cried in a high falsetto, waving her hands in the air lamely.

_ Please work. Please work. Please work. Please work. _

“Beca! She’s like the top yoga instructor in the world! How did you get me into one of her workshops?”

“I’m just like super connected, babe.” Beca winked, loving the way that Chloe’s eyes shone like that. “Yeah, the chic is supposed to be a really big deal, I guess? I dunno. It was crazy hard though!”

“Oh my god! Bec! Why are you so great?” Chloe threw her arms around her and Beca let out a little laugh, the kind she could never help when Chloe was involved.

“Um, cuz, um, you know- I just thought you would like it.”

“I do! Oh my god, it’s going to be amazing! Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?” Chloe asked, giving her that oh so powerful under the eyelashes stare.

Beca let out another laugh, “I think um,” she cleared her throat, “Yeah, I think the thing is full.”

Chloe was on cloud nine the rest of the night, giggling and bouncing, chattering on and on about the yoga instructor, about why she was special, about the types of things she thought and taught. In her exuberance she even made Beca do some extra yoga with her that night, showing her the things that she did that were specific to the instructor.

Beca loved it, she loved seeing how happy she was and in her excitement Chloe seemed to stop noticing when Beca’s phone rang, which was constant, making Beca jumpy and skittish all evening.

The next morning the ringing had settled - a little. 

Beca woke to the sight of a pair of blue eyes peeking out at her from under the blankets.

She laughed before she had even had the chance to roll over, stretch or wake fully, “Why are you nervous?”

“I’m not nervous,” came muffled from under the blankets as Chloe shifted so Beca could only see one eye and her nose.

“Really? Because it looks a lot like you’re nervous.”

The eye just blinked at her.

“You’re going to have like the best freaking time in the world, weirdo. Come on. Don’t be nervous.”

“I’m not!” Chloe cried, pushing herself up and out of the blanket fort, “I’m just - okay, I’m nervous! I’m just kinda really pregnant and -”

“Dude, she has dealt with pregnant yoga teachers before. I bet you’re going to be golden. Plus, you still do yoga just as well.” And she did, yeah, her feet and body stayed on the ground mostly now - though not entirely. She wasn’t really sure, actually, how the hell Chloe was able to get herself up like she did, Beca could barely get off the couch when she had a really big food baby.

“Yeah?”

“Yes.” Beca nodded once. “You’re very cute. And you’re going to be late if you don’t get up.”

Chloe grinned her wicked little grin and Beca knew she was going to pounce before she even did it.

“You ready?” She asked a bit later, standing at the door like she was about to send her kid off to school for the first time.

Chloe chewed her lip and nodded, her yoga things in a bag over her shoulder, “I could so use this today.”

“Good.” Beca gave her a long kiss and then with a grin turned her and swatted her butt, “Have fun! Make friends! Go be bendy!”

Chloe stuck out her tongue as she waited for the elevator.

“Bye gorgeous!” Beca called as the elevator doors closed, making Chloe beam.

She closed the door behind her but then, heart beating hard in her throat, she stayed against it, an eye pressed to the peephole as she counted to one hundred twice.

Finally she let out a deep breath, resting her face against the wood.

Okay.

So, she was bad at this. Okay.

She had no idea how the hell she was going to keep this up.

But that had worked - for now.

Chloe was gone.

Awesome.

She stood in the foyer for a moment, debating her options, shifting back and forth as she waited for another moment or two then she grabbed her phone. She scrolled down through her contacts, looking for who she wanted to call, passing A - B - C - D - E- and she pressed the call button.

“Okay, you’re in the clear. Head over. Do you need the address? Oh, that’s right, you’ve been here. Yeah, that one. No, I’ll probably beat you. Okay, see you soon.” 


	18. Chapter 18

So life has turned upside down crazy in the last few weeks. I can't even explain. Holy shit. As some of you may have seen, I was finally able to announce my publishing deal. Which is amazing but also means that suddenly my life has become a super crazy mess. Everything but that has basically been put on hold in order to get ready!  
So my last step in editing is usually reading the story out loud with my wife and we catch the last bit (or as much as we can). We can't seem to find the time. And on top of that, I am currently fresh out of the hospital! (I'm totally fine!)  
So yeah, things have been crazy!  
So everybody please say a HUGE thank you to Honey_Hill because she stepped up to be my last minute beta. Literally, if she hadn't then ya'll wouldn't have had a chapter this week!  
You're amazing, chica. You really are.  
So. to finish up! Everyone come and check this out for me! This is my [author's Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/OliviaJanaeGardner/)! Come like the page! Share it! Tell anyone! Just come join me! I'm so excited!  
You guys are awesome!

* * *

 

 

Chloe stretched her arms toward the sky as she slowly walked back to her car, her muscles exhausted and well used, well-oiled and limber for the first time since she had developed such a belly. She hadn’t realized that she had fallen into a bad routine when it came to her yoga. It happened sometimes, you get comfortable or you find a routine that you like and you stick to it, forgetting to up your game.

Well. She would remedy that, starting tomorrow.

That aside, she could see why Crista was so famous. Over the years Chloe had been to hundreds if not thousands of yoga classes, in every form, style, and tradition and she had never been to one that was quite that good. It was as though this morning she suddenly remembered why she loved yoga so much; not that she had forgotten. She felt like a puddle of goo, she thought with relish as she slid into the driver’s seat. Sometimes feeling like goo was great. It was a sign of a good kiss, a good class, a good massage - just good in general.

She put the key in the ignition but she let her hand fall away before she turned it on, caught by the sound of the birds in the tree just beside the car. It was shockingly warm, so warm as a matter of fact that she hadn’t bothered changing out of her sweaty yoga clothes because the simple material helped the heat. It was only the second week of February, yet the sun was shining down, baking L.A. already and the birds were already home from their winter ski trips. She let her head rest against the back of the seat and stared up at the unnaturally blue sky with its small wisps of clouds, smiling. She just felt - she felt awesome - she felt good. It was a good day.

This was good. It was awesome even. Right now, sitting in her car, about to go home to Beca, her body feeling wonderful, the little person inside of her stretching and moving - she knew she had made the right choice not moving back to Henderson. Not that she was really still questioning that, not at all. She was happy.

She thought of her first days in Henderson, about the way she had smiled as though her face would break if she didn’t. She remembered feeling this high sense of euphoria as she unpacked their belongings and set them out in that foreign home in that foreign city, still freshly married and jubilant. She remembered how strange that happiness had felt, how plastic; it had a quality of manic giddiness to it that Chloe had assumed was normal for new home, new bride jitters. Only, she hadn’t been quite _that_ new of a bride.

No.

Looking back, that hadn’t been happiness. That had been fear wrapped in a thick blanket and hidden in the deepest part of herself.

This didn’t feel that way.

This felt like lying out in the sun.

It was easy.

It just - was.

She sighed with a smile and turned over the car.

Lucky. She was one lucky woman.

And Nick, who hadn’t brought her moving up in a while, he seemed happy too. They had all found a good place. She hoped.

God, she wished that she could take more of this woman’s classes! Not that she was going to look down on or frown about her gift, it had been amazing. Just like her girlfriend. It was just that, with all the craziness of the past months, when was the last time that she was able to achieve this level of serenity? She had forgotten it was the goal. She would need to refocus on that.

Just before pulling out of the lot she checked her phone, surprised to see just how much activity was on it. She wasn’t really one of those people whose phones were always going crazy. There was a text from Beca telling her that she had forgotten a pair of jeans that she wanted at Chloe’s apartment so she would be heading over there. There were also two missed calls from a number she didn’t recognize.

“Hi Chloe,” the voicemail said as she pulled out and started for home, “It’s Claudia. I’m sorry to call you so early on a Sunday but I have just discovered some bad news. If you could call me back I would really appreciate it.”

Chloe frowned, bad news?

She paused at a light and hit the callback button.

“Chloe, _hi!_ ” Claudia picked up so quickly that it made Chloe wonder if she had been waiting by the phone. “Thank you so much for calling me back!”

“Of course, Claudia, what’s wrong? Are you alright?”

“Well,” Claudia sighed and in it Chloe could hear mountains of stress, “I have a bit of a problem.”

“Can I help?”

“Dear, I hope so. I was just informed that the teacher whose class you’re covering,’ Claudia let out a deep sigh, “it will be another month before she is able to return.”

“Oh no!” Chloe’s mind instantly began to whirl, understanding. Her lips twisted as she thought, “When would my last day be?”

“March 31st,” Claudia whined with all of the mourning of a woman at a good friend’s funeral.

“Claudia,” Chloe began, “I just don’t know. I would love to and I’m honored that you want me to but my due date is the thirtieth.”

“I know, I know.” Claudia blew a sigh into the phone, making Chloe wince at the noise, “I just can’t think of anything else to do. I suppose we could start looking for someone now and hope that they come through in time but either way, there is no one to take over your class once you are through next week.”

“I just-” goodness, she loved to teach, she really did but her due date wasn’t the only problem, not at all. Teaching was starting to get hard and she knew that Claudia knew it. Chloe had no idea how women like Jenny got around, how they could lift bellies roughly the size of Jupiter since her small little belly was weighing her down like a stone. Running after eight-year-olds was beginning to really put a strain on her. Then again if she could help then she wanted to.

“There’s no chance that babies run late in your family, is there?” Claudia asked with a dry and openly unhappy chuckle and Chloe frowned.

“I’m not sure. I guess I could find out.” She took a deep breath, holding it for a second before blowing it out. “I can do it, I guess. I mean, of course I will, but Claudia, you have to understand that there is a chance I won’t make it to the end.”

“I know, I know, I think that’s a chance I have to take. Thank you so much, we will figure something out.”

The small ball of tension in Chloe’s stomach wasn’t completely about the extension to her current position at Walton. Honestly, she knew that was a huge compliment and she was so flattered that they wanted her to stay. She just wasn’t sure she could do it and she felt bad about that. However, they had already hired her for the following year so the very least she could do was _try_ help them when they were in a jam. They were her people now.

Yes, she worried very much that she wouldn’t make it, but she knew the ball of stress was not because of that… it was because of what she had to do next.

She rarely called this number these days - okay, she rarely called it at all.

It wasn’t that she didn’t love her parents because she did - so much. It was more that her mother - well, she sighed and pressed the home key, instructing Siri to ‘call mom’.

“Chlooooe!” Her mother exclaimed when she picked up.

“Hi mom,” she sighed, chewing her lip, her free hand fluttering around her throat, “how are you?”

And that launched her mom into their usual conversation, telling her all about the people Chloe had grown up with, the people who lived near her parents and so on.

“Mom, actually, I have a question-” Chloe tried before her mother could really get on a roll. She would listen to all the neighborhood gossip, happily, but her mother had a habit of talking herself out and then needing to get off the phone rather suddenly so she needed this to be answered as soon as possible.

“One second, dear, do you remember Anne from down the street?”

It wasn’t until Chloe was nearly back to her apartment that her mother stopped talking with a, “And how’s Nicholas, Chloe?”

“Um, he’s good! Yeah, he’s good.” Nick had actually been a ball of tension the last few times that she had spoken to him, but the tension had been a good tension. He was terrified that both she and Jenny would go into labor at the same time and he would have to choose. He kept asking her to come and stay in Henderson when she was a little closer to her due date, in the hopes that she might deliver up there.

She would have considered it, maybe even done it as a ‘I’m sorry I don’t live near you’ compromise if she hadn’t already set up her entire birthing plan with Sheryl, her midwife, weeks ago.

Her mother let out a tisk, “I just still cannot believe you, Chloe, leaving that poor man. I really did think that your father and I raised you with better critical thinking and reasoning skills.”

Chloe frowned, she hadn’t given her mother the full story yet, she knew nothing of Jenny or Beca; she just didn’t think that her mother really wanted to know. She knew that Chloe was pregnant and that was pretty much it. She had started to tell them. The first time she had confessed she had every intention of confessing all of it but she had only gotten as far as ‘I’m getting a divorce and I’m pregnant’ before her father had started in on the psychobabble and her mother had begun to simply babble. Her parents were good, kind, loving people but she had always been a bit different from them and they had never fully understood her - or her them. “Mom, I’m almost home, will you answer my question please? It’s just a quick one.”

“He was such a sweet boy and so well to do. You couldn’t have asked for better. I hope he gave that baby his eyes, then again, you have beautiful eyes too.”

“Thanks.” Her lips gave an uncomfortable twist, “Um, Mom?”

“I know, I know, you have a question, but so do I.” Her mother crooned, “I just don’t understand. As far as I know you never tried therapy, you never tried - well - anything. You should have come to your father.”

“Mom!” Chloe scowled, she hadn’t meant to bark, she really hadn’t but she was pulling onto her street now and this was ridiculous, “Was I born late or early? I’m trying to find out becau-”

“I don’t know, Chloe, who remembers those types of things.” Her mother huffed airily.

Chloe scoffed, her jaw dropping. She could feel the side of her that had been raised by this clicking into place, she could feel her chameleon colors changing and she knew that soon she would drop this in the face of her mother’s obstinance. It wasn’t something she particularly liked or disliked about herself, it had made it so that she could be Brey’s co-captain. “Okay, Mom.” She gave a little nod, feeling the want to cross her arms over herself for the comfort it would bring, “You really don’t remember the details of the birth of your only child?” Except Chloe knew she did, of course she did, she was just withholding the information because she wasn’t satisfied with what Chloe was telling her.

“I remember it was very painful. And _long_.”

“Maybe if you just thought about it for,” she plaintively tried but her mother cut her off.

“Did you call Marcy? This runs on two sides, you know.”

Chloe parked, feeling her heart beating a little too hard in her throat and her cheeks flushing a bit too warm. “No Mom, I didn’t call Marcy but,”

“Well, maybe you should call her first and see how well she remembers.” Her mother snapped.

“Okay!” Chloe cried, a little too cheerful, “Well, thanks Mom, I just pulled up to my apartment so I should go and get on with my afternoon!”

“Chloe! None of your tantrums, please.”

Her jaw dropped. She was _not_ throwing a tantrum! “I’m not, Mom,” she said as reasonably as possible, “I just have to get going, okay? Say hi to Daddy and I’ll-”

“Early. You were early.”

She clicked her tongue, giving another nod that her mother could not see. “Thanks, Mom.”

She let her head fall back against the seat again. It was funny, the call from Claudia had been stressful but it was really the call to her mom that broke the warm, yoga feeling. She carefully straightened her hair, not because she really cared what it looked like but just because she was stressed and then, feeling like her mother she shook it out, letting the curls run wild and free, instantly feeling more like herself. She could see Beca’s car parked a bit down the street and she was glad. If it was still here then it meant that Beca probably didn’t need to run off to work and that pleased her. She wanted the company, she wanted the laughter - maybe even, after a nap, she could ask Beca to take her to bed so that she could thank her properly for her surprise.

Just because you had to speak to your mom doesn’t mean that today hasn’t been a good day, Chlo; she reminded herself. Plus, it’s still very early. Today _will_ be a good day. It will be. And your mom, she doesn’t mean it. She’s just not good at that whole thing and you know that.

She sighed.

Yeah, she did know that.

She got out and headed to the door, feeling tired in her bones, not at all surprised that her comfortable stretched and worked out feeling had turned to exhaustion. She was usually tired after a good yoga class and these days she was tired walking across the room!

“Bec?” She called as she let herself in, “Where you at?”

“In here!”

Chloe frowned, was she in the spare room? She set down her things, hoping she was wrong. She didn’t like that room very much. She knew she was avoiding, she knew she shouldn’t be, everything in her life for months had been teaching her that but it _still_ was empty, waiting for the day that Chloe filled it with baby paraphernalia.  

She had to do that. She had to do that soon. Nick was starting to push, her mother kept hinting that maybe she should come out to L.A. and fill it for her, Aubrey was chomping at the bit and though she wouldn’t say it, Chloe had an idea that Aubrey had a room full of stuff she was waiting - impatiently- to send.

Maybe next weekend.

For the first time the thought made her smile when she realized that she could ask Beca to come along with her.

Yeah. Next weekend seemed like a good time.

She swallowed down a chuckle as she imagined what that would be like.

“What are you doing back here?”

She heard a muffled thump and some scurrying. What the hell was she doing?

“Uh, can you come here for a sec?”

Beca’s voice was too high, like it was when she had gotten herself into a compromising position and she knew she was about to be embarrassed. This is what she had sounded like when the Trebles had snuck into the dorm's shower after the riff off her freshman year and had unceremoniously taken all of Beca’s clothes - and her towel - leaving her only a washcloth. They had made Bumper _pay_ with a series of pranks in return that had started a long and fierce prank war, but still, Chloe had needed to come and save the day for poor trapped _naked_ Beca.

“Bec?” She pushed open the door of the room that would one day - soon - be Willa’s.

“ _SURPRISE!_ ”

Chloe let out a scream, jumping so high she was fairly sure that her hair brushed the ceiling. “Oh my god!” she cried, her hands flailing like she had just stuck them in something very sticky or something very hot.

In the center of the room stood her Bellas, all wearing matching mischievous grins. Well. All of them except Aubrey who was absent.

“Oh my god!” She cried again, holding tightly to the door frame so she didn’t lose her balance and tip over, “What are you doing here! Oh my god! _Guys!_ ” Happy tears spilled down her cheeks as she took in all of their wonderful faces.

“Well, we thought that a baby shower would be nice but a baby weekend would be better,” Amy grinned, rocking back and forth and giving her a small salute.

“Oh my god, _Amy!_ ” Chloe’s eyes bugged out. If she looked like she had swallowed a basketball, then Amy looked like she had swallowed a beach ball.

For a second Amy looked thoroughly confused and then she remembered her belly, “Oh yeah,” she grinned, “four and a half months. Bumper just can’t keep his hands off my sexy bod,” she ran her hands up and down the large baby belly with a smutty grin.

“Four and a-” Chloe blinked. That was a _huge_ belly for being thirteen weeks behind her!

“Jesus! Number five? Ya’ll need to slow it down!” Cynthia Rose cried, looking at the giant belly like she might get sucked into its orbit if she got too close.

“We’re trying for our own cricket team.”

“Uh, isn’t that eleven?” Jessica’s pale eyes blinked in uncomfortable wonder.

“Yeah, but you know what they say: cheaper by the dozen. We’re thinking ‘Hamilton’ if it’s a boy because Lin Manuel Miranda is so sexy, you know, and Bumper has a hot man crush on him.”

“So it would be Amy, Ettie, Ajax, Trojan and - _Ham?_ ” Cynthia Rose was looking at her friend as though she were crazy.

“Amy _JR,_ ” Amy corrected, “Always junior. She is the twig mini to this curvy queen.”

“Riiiight.”

Chloe just laughed, too thrilled about seeing her weird-crazy self in person to think twice about it. She threw her arms around Amy and then frowned when their bellies bumped and repelled them. They tried again, shifting their bellies so they went to either side of one another and again they bounced away.

“Oh my god, yo!” Cynthia Rose let out a peal of laughter, toppling over and soon the rest of the Bella’s followed. “Dude, that shit is hilarious, do it again!”

“Uh yeaaaah, I wouldn’t recommend making fun of a pregnant lady.” Amy growled, cracking her knuckles and punking Cynthia Rose who didn’t even jump, “I have a fury in me and it will be _unleashed_ on your lezzie ass!”

The Bellas just continued to laugh. Even Beca in the back of the group had her hand over her mouth, pretending to wipe something away, like no, no, she wasn’t laughing, her lip was just inexplicably dirty.

“So yeah,” Stacie shrugged, stepping forward with her arms outstretched like she was the Bride of Frankenstein, “we came here for a baby party. Imagine how surprised we were to see that there is _no_ sign of that baby anywhere. Except right here!” Stacie cried, both hands falling to Chloe’s belly. Her jaw dropped open and Chloe laughed as Stacie let out a screech that sounded like something between an angry pubescent dinosaur and a dying whale. “Oh my gooooooood!” She groaned, “You might just be the freaking cutest pregnant lady ever!” She rubbed Chloe’s belly.

“Hey!” Amy snapped.

“You’re the sexiest, Amy!”

Amy seemed to think that over for a minute before she shrugged, “Fair enough. Proceed.”

“So where’s all the baby stuff, Chlo?” Stacie asked with a well-shaped eyebrow cocked.

Tension shot through her stomach and she opened her mouth but it just hung there. She glanced over Stacie’s shoulder and caught sight of Beca, her eyebrows high as if to say ‘yeah, Chlo’.

“Oh my god,” she grinned, “you did this, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, short stack has been a little devil on us for months, biting our ankles every time we didn’t call her back immediately.”

That made Chloe grin all the wider.

Emily gave Beca a smile and a shoulder bump when Beca flushed and glared at her now former roommate.

“You did!”

Chloe stepped around Stacie, ready to jump on her. Then again, on second thought, she might squish the life out of the tiny woman if she did that.

“We uh,” Beca shifted uncomfortably, “we were planning this for a while, yeah.”

“We?”

“Err, me and - um - myself.”

“A while, huh?” Chloe grinned a little, loving Beca’s nerves, the obvious discomfort. She ran her hands down Beca’s arms and a thought occurred to her, making her freeze, “Amy said months. Since before ‘Willa Girl’?”

“Weeelll.” Beca kicked invisible rocks with a shrug, “I mean, like, you were going to need a baby shower either way, right? With or without me.”

“Oh my god, Bec!” Chloe never understood just how easily Beca could melt her from the inside out. She watched Beca’s eyes shift and she was overwhelmed with feeling. “You’re amazing.” She pulled her in tight, giving her a long hug and then an equally long kiss.

The room exploded into sound, all of the Bellas letting out their own cries of surprise.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa now!” Cynthia Rose had her arms out like she was trying to stop a bar fight instead of just witnessing her co captains kissing.

Chloe froze, brow furrowed. She felt Beca jump, shrinking into her to get away from the sudden chaos.

“When the hell did this start happening?” Amy cried, arm out and gesturing between them fast.

“Really?” Beca asked from her hiding spot under Chloe’s arm, sounding like their dry and sarcastic captain again, “News usually travels faster than that between you guys.”

Chloe nodded, she wouldn’t have put it quite that way but yeah, she had kind of assumed they all knew because Emily and Aubrey knew.

“Fuck!” Cynthia Rose cried, making Chloe jump again, “ _Finally! God!_ ” She reached out and gave Beca a high five, who returned it with absolutely no force, looking like she had no idea what the hell a high five was, let alone its function. “Alright Daddy B!”

Chloe watched, highly amused as Beca’ face drained of color and she started to splutter.

“I don’t - I just - is this _normal_?” Amy asked, her arms still flailing, looking between the Bellas. “I mean,” she huffed in defeat and marched up behind Stacie. Without warning or reason, she reached around and cupped both of Stacie’s breasts, her face concentrated and serious.

“Um. _Hello?_ ” Stacie said, her hands going to her hips and though Chloe was pretty sure that Amy had never groped any of them outside of the occasional boob jab, she was amused to see that Stacie didn’t look all of that perturbed.

Amy squeezed once, her face twisting in thought and then let them go with a grunt, “Nope. What? There’s so much carpet munching in this group that I thought I had better check! You lezzies are clearly contagious.” She looked around at them with mild worry and mockingly flinched away from Beca. “You think you picked it up during your hard prison time, little bit? They say it’s in the walls there.”

“My hard time? You mean that one night where I was there for like five hours? Uh yeah, totally. That explains everything.” Beca just rolled her eyes and turned back to Chloe, “Aubrey will be here in an hour. Her flight was delayed.”

Excitement bubbled and Chloe bounced a bit, “She will?”

Beca’s eyes rolled again, “She had to be here. Of course I invited her. I wouldn’t forget your best friend.”

Overwhelmed again Chloe cupped her jaw and kissed her, long and purposeful, saying everything she needed to.

“That’s so weird to see,” Flo said slowly, in a daze.

“I dunno,” Stacie shrugged, throwing an arm around Amy’s waist, “I think it’s been stranger _not_ seeing it for so long.”

Chloe sent her a wink and wrapped her arms around her, pulling her in for a bone crushing hug. Stacie beamed and then her hands went back to Chloe’s belly.

“Ugh, I waaaant one!” Stacie moaned.

“A baby or a belly?”

“Both!”

“We can arrange that," Cynthia Rose said with a wink.

Stacie just made a face and licked her lips, throwing a ball of sensuality at Cynthia Rose that left the woman blinking and dazed.

Chloe chuckled. She really did need to spend more time with Stacie. In college Chloe and Stacie’s blatant sensuality had not mixed well; they had been friends, they had shared a few drunken intimate talks and Chloe even knew one of Stacie’s bigger secrets but despite that they were never very _close_. Now that Chloe understood herself better, though; now that she understood the way that Stacie had made her feel back then and frankly, was a little preoccupied with interest in somebody else, she thought that they could get along very well. She didn’t live all _that_ far away from them. It was a fifteen-hour drive but the flights were cheap and Beca’s mom was up there so they had a good excuse to go up there. Maybe this was a friendship to genuinely pursue. She liked her. Being around Stacie was always just...easy. And that was what she was looking for in her life. Easy.

“So what’s the plan?” Stacie asked, giving her a quick peck on the cheek.

“Um.” Chloe frowned, looking to Beca.

“Uh, I have to go to work for like an hour. Josie - you know what - never mind, don’t worry about it. I have to go in for like an hour and then I’ll go get Aubrey. Otherwise, err-”

“I think,” Jessica bounced in place, her fists clenched under her jaw, “I think that we should go shopping!” she squealed.

“ _Yeeeeees!_ Finally!” Emily cried, punching the air. Chloe grinned, reaching out and wrapping an arm around her waist. Emily had been so excited to do the shopping before things had gotten - bad. Emily came to her a little stiffly, eyes shifting, but she still came. Was this return of her desire to spoil Willa rotten a sign that maybe Emily was on the upswing? She looked pretty good. She definitely looked better than she had when they saw her yesterday.

She tried not to feel smug. It had to be because she was home with her teddy bear of a boyfriend.

“Shopping?” Chloe asked, feeling her lips twist.

“Yeah!” Stacie grinned at her, “Let’s go shopping!”

 

* * *

 

Was it silly that she was nervous? She didn’t know but she was - nervous. She didn’t even know _why_ she was nervous. It was just baby shopping. There was no need to be nervous. But she was.

Excited too.

Very much so.

And nervous.

It had been like a Three Stooges scene getting all of the Bellas ready and into cars. She had forgotten about that; she had forgotten that even in college getting all of the women out of the door was a task that should not be left to the weak. They had always asked the Bellas bus to arrive an hour early so they could start pushing them out the door, and would therefore hopefully get on the road at a reasonable time.

As a matter of fact - well - they all knew that their lovely captain was prone to snapping, to barking, to yelling, to getting mad and stomping off. That was usually when it happened. Beca would push and push insisting that if they got on the road early then they could stop at Starbucks or whatever the girls would want, bribing them like a babysitter at the end of her rope. She would push and push, getting tenser as the hour grew late until finally Beca snapped and insisted that they could all stay behind as far as she was concerned, that she could do the number alone and would stomp onto the bus by herself. Chloe always found her, once she had used a softer hand to get the girls on the bus, in the back, headphones on, arms crossed and pointedly not looking at any of them.

It had been a problem.

It took Chloe a minute to get ready to go shopping since she needed to shower and change but then once she had she found that none of the Bellas had moved, all lounging together and talking a mile a minute. Then once they were up it took them forever to figure out what they all wanted to bring or leave behind since most had planned on staying at Beca’s. ‘No, bring it because we can go straight there’, ‘no leave it because we’ll be coming back, right’, ‘guys it doesn’t matter, just make a choice.’ ‘okay I’ll take it’, ‘but then it will have to sit in the trunk. What if someone takes it?’, ‘Okay, I’ll leave it. No, I’ll take it. No-’, ‘Are you guys fucking kidding me right now? You know what, up to you, I have to go to work.’ Then once they were finally starting to gather outside Jessica had realized she forgot her phone so she had to run back in. Then once they were at the cars they realized that Lilly had forgotten - something - Chloe wasn’t sure. So she had opened the door and locked it again when Lily reemerged, tucking a small package into her inner coat pocket and giving Chloe the evil eye when she tried to ask what the hell is was. Chloe had decided to let it go and turned to leave - only to discover that Emily had forgotten her jacket.

Chloe was just beginning to reach her max level of frustration when they were finally in the cars and pulling away. With a sheepish grin Stacie turned on her 80’s mix, a surefire way to get Chloe laughing and dancing and offered a small, “Sorry, Chlo” and a toothy smile.

It worked and soon Chloe had forgotten her frustration as they all sang at top volume to Duran Duran, that was until they were pulling into the lot of Chloe’s chosen store. Then it was like a bucket of cold water had been dumped on her and butterflies began to stir.

She smiled as her friends gathered near her, pushing her forward and entering as a mob, the women around her giggling like the teenagers she used to know.

“Oh my god!” Flo moaned, holding up a little pink dress for Chloe to see.

Chloe blinked. She knew she had been to this store before but had it always been so big? Suddenly the many aisles seemed like so much, the walls crawling with baby this and baby that seemed overpowering. There was _so_ much!

“Look at this, Chlo!” Cynthia Rose grinned, holding up a Mickey Mouse blanket.

“Chloe!Chloe!” Ashley grinned, trying to hand her a music note covered onesie.

Chloe’s eyes bounced between everyone who was calling for her attention, trying to focus on each of them and instead focusing on none of them.

“Dude, you have to have this. It’s a must.”

“The holy Wombat is this?”

“Chlo! Oh my god!”

She hadn’t made it past the welcome mat and she was getting dizzy.

“Chlo?” Emily softly touched her shoulder.

She tried to click on a smile but she just blinked, thoroughly overwhelmed.

“Look. It’s Roger Jr.” Emily said with a small smile.

Chloe looked at the plush fox that did look exactly like a smaller version of the stuffed animal that Beca had bought her the day of her eleven-week sonogram. She reached for it, tucking it under her chin and finding comfort in the softness.

This was silly, she loved these stores, she had for years! This was her element!

“Where should we start, boss?” Stacie asked, giving the sales boy not far from them a slow wink.

“Um.”

She knew what to get. She had been reading every book, every magazine for _years_. She knew what she wanted. She had seen the debates about hanging bassinets versus cradles and plastic versus silicone. She had spent years with everyone patting her arm and giving her advice. Only - right now - in the face of all of this _stuff_ , her mind was blank.

Her mind was completely empty.

Had she decided on a bassinet or a co sleeper? Had she decided on pacifiers? Cloth diapers? She had been looking forward to this specific shopping trip since she was a teenager! For a while she and Nick would sit and fantasize about what they would get while they waited to see if the latest pregnancy attempt would take. She could tell her eyes were huge as she glanced around, taking in the walls of baby everything. There was just so much. She was just feeling a little overwhelmed. It would be alright. This was going to be so much fun! She had felt lonely last time she had tried this and she couldn’t think of a better solution to that than all of her Bellas!

She let out a little laugh, completely aware of their eyes on her. “Um, let’s just look around for now.” she nodded, her nose scrunching.

“Okay, boss.” Stacie linked her arm through hers and they started off. “Do you know what brands are the best?”

She did. Only, she wasn’t thinking about that. She was thinking about S.I.D.S. and R.D.S. and so many other things that it was silly to think about. She kept rolling her eyes and pushing the thoughts away but then they just resurfaced.

It was funny going through the store with the Bellas. Other than Amy none of them had any children so everything there was foreign to them. As a matter of fact, Chloe had turned to Amy, hoping for some advice from a veteran parent but though Amy insisted that she knew exactly what she was talking about, Chloe learned pretty quickly that somehow Amy was the one who seemed the most confused about everything. She kept picking up normal things, a humidifier, nursing bottles, teethers, nap mats and looking at them like they were such a new and original idea, like they were some weird artifact from a strange and possibly hostile planet.

“It’s a baby sling.” Chloe frowned when Amy held the product up.

“A what?” Stacie snapped, looking scandalized, “They make slings for _babies_?”

“A who?” Amy frowned, studying the box.

“A sling!” Chloe laughed, uncertainly, “You put the baby in and then you can carry it around.”

“Oooooh,” Amy nodded, “Bumper’s mom made us one of these from old blue jeans, I see now.”

Chloe just frowned, her head tilting to the side a bit as she tried to imagine what that would look like.

It turned out that Bumper’s mom jimmy-rigged a lot of things out of blue jeans for them. _A lot_. And while Chloe was all for it, she decided that maybe she wouldn’t ask Amy for advice anymore.

The questions were starting to get to her an hour later.

“Chlo, what kind of bottles do you want?”

“Chloe, you should totally get this. Or do you want one of those instead?”

“Oh my god, Chlo, this is perfect. This shade of blue totally matches your eyes. Do you want one?”

She was getting a little panicked.

She kept trying and trying but she couldn’t get her brain to fire into gear. She just couldn’t. Maybe she was just really tired. Maybe she needed to eat something. She just couldn’t seem to do it and the more she tried the worse her panic got.

She was a little too relieved when Beca and Aubrey walked in a bit later. “Brey!” she cried in a winded huff making Aubrey frown as she hugged her.

“Are you alright? What’s wrong?”

“What?” Chloe shook her head, “I’m fine. Yeah, totes. I’m just happy to see you. You’re here!” If she had been a little more in her head or rational in that moment, then she might have noticed that neither Beca nor Aubrey looked like they were ready to kill anything - which was the usual sign that they had been alone together.

“I think she’s a little overwhelmed,” Stacie supplied, giving Aubrey her own long hug.

“You are?” Beca frowned, pushing a curl out of her face, “Well, what have you gotten so far? Can we help?”

Timidly, Chloe held out Roger Jr, knowing that she had a childishly guilty look on her face.

“That’s it? Ohmygod, Chlo!” Beca rolled her eyes and laughed, sending Aubrey a glance.

“Right.” Aubrey gave a nod and Chloe watched as both started into action, putting on their captain hats as one. Beca went to the man behind the register and Aubrey started plucking through her phone.

“Chlo. This is _your_ Pinterest.”

 _Pinterest!_ Why hadn’t she thought of that? She had made it a hobby in Henderson to look through and decide what she wanted. She nodded a bit shyly, amused when she heard Beca.

“Hi. So um. Do you do same day delivery? Because that would be great.”

“On - um - on orders over $500.” He looked like the group of women scared him a bit and Chloe couldn’t blame him at all.

“Great. Aubs?”

“Oh _easily_.” Aubrey laughed, answering the unfinished question. “A good stroller and a crib will cost that much. Only the best for our little girl.”

Chloe was both touched and amazed as Aubrey and Beca worked seamlessly together, setting up the delivery and designating a spot where they could come and bring the things they found that were too large for the cart, finagling and wrangling the Bellas until they were all there, ready and listening.

Her heart gave a warm squeeze as she watched them talking, gesturing and nodding. They looked like a team and love for them both warmed her cheeks as she wrapped her arms around herself.

Did this mean that they were friends again? She really hoped so.

“Okay! Let’s start off easy. Everyone follow us. We’re going to pick out a rocking chair.”

Maybe it was just a force of habit but all of the Bellas fell in line behind Aubrey.

“Very good. Chloe,” Aubrey waved a hand at the chairs like a judge introducing the Miss America contestants, “do you know what you want?”

And with one thing to pick out instead of - well - _all the things_ \- she found that yes, she did. And it was easy. She looked through the small selection of rocking chairs and ten minutes later they had put their first large item in their spot beside the register and Chloe was grinning ear to ear.

It was funny. Officially she had a rocking chair still sitting in the corner of her nursery in Henderson; as a matter of fact, she had a lot of things they would be getting today. Over the year’s people loved to give them gifts, let alone, she had on occasion found this or that she had loved. She supposed though that the rocking chair would rock Cass instead and the onesies in the dresser would dress a baby other than her own.

She turned that over in her mind as Aubrey gathered the Bellas again. She expected to feel that wave of unreal she had felt when she had first walked into her once home in Henderson, seeing Jenny’s boxes. Only it didn’t come. As a matter of fact, she found that she didn’t mind and that surprised her. She knew there was a time that she would have thought those things were important but now - she didn’t need them.

“Okay.” Aubrey gave a single clap and cleared her throat like she was trying to round up rowdy children. “Let’s break this down into teams, shall we? Beca. Breast pump and baby monitor.” Beca gave her a little salute and Chloe smiled when she realized there was no sarcasm in it, “Amy and Stacie, bassinet and crib linens.”

“Um, can I help you, Brey?” Stacie asked, sheepishly and Chloe smirked.

Aubrey however just sent her a scathing look for interrupting her and went on, “Cynthia Rose and Lilly, blankets and swaddles. Jessica and Ashley, bath things, towels, and washcloths. Flo and Emily, diaper bags. Chloe, you and I will do the big things, bassinet,”

“Co-sleeper, please.”

“Okay, co-sleeper, stroller, car seat, things like that. Everybody run what they found by Chloe, please. Let’s meet back here in fifteen minutes, ladies.”

“Go team!” Stacie grinned giving a little fan kick.

Aubrey’s eyes narrowed a little and Stacie bit her lip, unapologetically.

Chloe grinned, she knew that people didn’t always love this side of Aubrey, that it often bothered them because she was so strict but right now Chloe loved it. Aubrey was in her zone and it was amazing to watch.

The store didn’t seem so big anymore. She watched Beca and Aubrey answering a few questions for her, both looking serious, the Bellas all reaching for things around them and discussing with their partners as though discussing something of great importance and Chloe had to bite back a happy little laugh. Had she ever felt so loved?

“You okay?” Beca asked, a crooked little grin on her face.

“Are you kidding me? Yeah. Totes. Everything is, like, perfect.”

Beca’s grin grew. “Good.”

Chloe let Beca kiss her, enjoying the things it did to her chest and then, with a small wink, she started across the store, ready to tackle her own project.

She turned and found Aubrey looking at Beca with narrowed eyes.

“Oh come on, Brey!”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You’re saying plenty with your eyes.”

Aubrey turned her gaze on her, searching her face. Her mouth opening as though struggling to say something and Chloe waited but Aubrey finally just asked, “Are you ready?”

“Yes,” Chloe grinned and followed Aubrey in the opposite direction.

“So do you have an idea of what kind of stroller you want?”

“Yeah!” Chloe nodded, picking up a small set of socks and squealing. With everything now feeling like roses and daffodils, she couldn’t _not_ notice how cute everything was. “We’re in L.A. so I need one of those that turns into a carrier as well as a stroller. It would also be kind of great if I could run with it.”

“Right. Okay.” Aubrey gave a serious nod.

“Chlo,” Cynthia rose approached her with her brows deeply furrowed, “I’m pretty positive that Lilly is full of shit on this. She said that you wrap the baby up in this and lock it in like the straightjacket she wears to bed? I dunno, this shit is crazy.”

Chloe let out a gale of laughter, “It’s not as scary as it sounds, I promise. It’s just a swaddle wrap. Um, yeah, get a few Woombie’s and a few blankets, please.”

Cynthia Rose looked at the thing in her hand for a minute, doubtful and then back up at Chloe, “‘Kay. Colors?”

“You pick.” She grinned back at her friend giving her an encouraging arm squeeze and wink.

Soon the stroller was picked out and a small pile was beginning to develop at the bottom of her cart.

And she was having a great time!

First she ran to Jessica and Ashley picking out possibly the cutest sock monkey hooded bath towels that made Jessica tear up, then she was skipping over to Flo and Emily, playfully debating the merits of a tote, cross body, or backpack diaper bag. Before she could return to Aubrey she was suddenly squealing with Stacie over a pink and teal paisley bedding set. She loved that it was all of the Bellas helping her, she did her best to let them pick out the colors and so on because, though some might clash, and some didn’t really look like _her_ , they all each looked like the Bella who had picked it out. Her nursery was going to be a tableau of her best friends.

Finally, what seemed like forever later, she made her way back to Aubrey who was just standing, arms crossed and one eyebrow high as she watched something that was happening across the room.

“Wha-” she turned to look and instantly started to giggle; there was no need for an explanation. Beca was on the other side of the store, a look of utter bafflement on her face as she stared at the sales woman across from her. Beca looked like she was trying to understand Chinese, two very different looking breast pumps in her hands. As she watched she saw Beca hold one up to herself, looking at the woman with narrowed skeptical eyes, then the other, then she put them both down, glanced back up again and then picked one up - only to pick up the other one as well. Her face was pulled into a hard scowl, her head shaking hard as she spoke, her hands gesticulating like crazy. It seemed like, based on the annoyance of the sales lady, they had been doing this for a while. The sales woman shook her head and moved the pump so it covered one of Beca’s breasts, shaking her head hard and insistent and miming how the thing would work. Beca’s face collapsed into horror and she even took a step back, nearly tripping over a display of nipple shields, which she saw and rebounded from all over again.

Chloe hacked and hissed behind her hands, trying to swallow down the snort that she thought might come on if she laughed too hard behind her hands. Her girlfriend was _too_ adorable. She watched Beca right herself, her cheeks pink, only to go back to staring at the woman like she had to be kidding, her hand protectively holding her breasts. All of this while trying to keep her Beca-cool as if she were trying to say, yeah, she _totally_ knew what a breast pump was for; she just wanted to make sure that the sales woman knew. The look made Chloe laugh, roll her eyes, and feel a surge of affection so strong that it was dizzying all at once. She glanced up, ready to share her amusement and affection with her best friend but Aubrey was already looking down at her, making her point without using any words. “I mean,” Chloe bit her lip, “they _are_ kind of scary.”

Beca’s lips were moving fast as she spoke, too fast. Chloe could read Beca’s face like a book, she could see her trying not to freak out about the strangeness of the items in her hand. She saw her glance at them again and then around at the other Bellas and Chloe knew that she was determined, damn it, not to freak out because all of the Bellas were freaking out a little bit and she was going to be better, she was their captain, their leader _and_ she was Chloe’s girlfriend. Chloe giggled again behind her hands as the woman said something to Beca and Beca’s whole face suddenly became a grimace again.

“What?” Chloe finally cried as Aubrey just continued to stare down at her.

The woman said something else to Beca and even from across the store Chloe heard a loud, “ _What?_ You’re kidding!”

She bit her lip hard behind her hands, trying not to melt into loud and very obvious laughter. Beca would probably be embarrassed if she knew that Chloe was watching but she couldn’t look away. Damn it, she was so cute! She half hid behind a display of cloth diapers, peeking over the pile as Beca looked around wildly. Oh my god, her sides were beginning to hurt! “Oh my god! Come on, Brey, you have to admit that this is adorable.”

“She looks like she’s going to be sick!”

Chloe gave her an exaggerated frown, “I don’t think we’ve ever discussed the mechanics of a breast pump before. You kind of can’t blame her for that one.”

Aubrey’s eyes narrowed in Beca’s direction and, laughing, Chloe gave her a small shove. The blonde’s hips just swayed but otherwise she stayed planted.

Chloe cocked an eyebrow at her and Aubrey huffed, arms crossing.

“ _Brey!_ Come on!”

“Well.” Aubrey grumbled, pulling a face that reminded Chloe very much of one that Beca would make, all sullen child and pouting, “Okay, even I have to admit that it was kind of great that she put this weekend together even though you weren’t talking,” she said it in a rush, studying her fingernails, her cheeks sucked in defiantly.

Chloe opened her mouth to tease her but was distracted as Cynthia Rose walked by Beca and unceremoniously shoved a froggy beanie onto Beca’s head. Beca frowned, barely seeming to notice over her absorption in her talk with the sales lady.

Chloe doubled over, hissing into her hand, unable to handle the image of her girlfriend in that beanie. “Oh my god, look at how cute she is in that. Do you think she would wear it if I bought it for her?”

Aubrey gave her a slightly scandalized look and Chloe rolled her eyes, “Not like _that!_ Or,” she reconsidered, mostly for Aubrey’s sake, teasing, “you know, maybe a little like that.”

Aubrey looked like she had swallowed a rotten egg and Chloe’s laughter doubled. Brey just gave a gruff little hurrphm, her look telling her that she was not at all amused.

“Awe, Brey.” Chloe reached up and kissed her cheek.

Aubrey’s arms were crossed tight as they watched Beca put one of the pumps into her basket - then stare at it and swap it with the other - then swap it back before turning back to the saleswoman, looking more confused than ever. Chloe snaked her arm around Aubrey so she could rest her head against her, pleased when, despite the show that Aubrey was putting on, she wrapped an arm around her in return. “You know.” Chloe sighed, back to watching Beca, “I think I just might marry her one day,” she admitted thoughtfully. She sighed, sinking into the thought and loving it. She looked up and found Aubrey’s face unreadable.

“Is _she_ really the one that you want?” Aubrey asked in a whisper.

“Totes. Absolutely and completely.” Chloe gave with an assertive nod.

Aubrey groaned, “Fine.” She threw her hands up in the air and started marching off, “I give up. _Fine!_ I hope you and the munchkin are _very_ happy together!”

Alarm spasmed through Chloe for a second until she realized that though Aubrey was making away in the kind of fury that sent people running, her shoulders were bouncing ever so slightly with laughter. She just rolled her eyes in her best Beca impression and turned to follow but something caught her eye. “Um. Hey Brey? Come here, I have an idea!”

 

****

 

Okay so, picking out the - pump - thing - had kind of felt like trying to get past the two doors in ‘Labyrinth’. She wasn’t sure that she had made the right choice. She got that this thing was kind of important but the freaking sales lady couldn’t just _tell_ her which was the best, because apparently there were like six freaking versions of ‘the best’ so - whatever. She would run it by Chloe before they bought it.

Also. The whole thing - the whole concept made her nipples fucking hurt.

Babies were kind of evil little bastards, weren’t they?

She was glad to be done with that, like, really glad. She gave the saleswoman another shaky little smile and started off.

Okay so she had gotten the things that Commander Aubrey had told her to, but she was sure that if she spent five minutes looking around this place she would find something else that Chloe needed. This place was kind of intense. She had thought the little boutique where she had bought Roger the Fox had been overwhelming. This place - it was a whole other level.

Without giving her eyes express permission to do so, she found herself looking up like a reflex, searching for the blaze of red hair.

She hoped that Chloe was having fun. She hadn’t exactly expected them to end up here so quickly. She had assumed that would get here eventually, yeah, but the Bellas worked quicker than she had anticipated. She couldn’t decide if she thought that doing this all at once was a good idea or a bad but they were here so -

She heard a tittering giggle behind her and glanced around, a grin instantly popping onto her face.

Chloe was a few aisles away with Lilly in the middle of what looked like a stuffed animal fight. Lilly was brandishing a stuffed dolphin like a sword, poking its nose into Chloe’s sides and belly while Chloe tried to use a large stuffed gorilla as a shield. Lilly lunged, the dolphin poking Chloe under the arm and Chloe let out a shriek of a giggle, collapsing into Cynthia Rose behind her who looked, for a moment, panicked like she wasn’t sure she could keep them both up.

Beca watched Chloe laugh and play for a little too long before she jumped, realizing she was being really obvious.

‘Kay.

She headed down the next aisle, trying to be all proactive girlfriend-y but her eyes kept drifting back to Chloe, watching her dance between the Bellas. She looked like she was on cloud nine.

She was moving like a crazy woman, something that always impressed her. Chloe was being pulled in every direction and skipping around happily, as though it was no big deal. She watched her hug them, kiss their cheeks, pinch their sides, hip bump them...she was glowing again. Fuck.

Watching her was addicting.

This was so why she had done this.

Though, if she were being honest, watching her wasn’t quite as addicting as those small moments where Chloe would look up, searching for her just so she could hold two things up in the air, her face contorting into a silent question; or when she would hold something up just because she specifically liked it and she wanted to see if Beca liked it too.

She would nod or frown and then she would blush, needing to hide her face for a moment else give away her general state of giddiness.

The best yet, however, had come when she was standing with Aubrey debating lightly about car seats. She had looked up, feeling eyes on her and had seen Chloe two aisles away, looking at her. She had glanced around for a second confused when she couldn’t see what it was that Chloe needed an opinion about, only to realize that Chloe wasn’t looking for one. She was just looking at her as if to say ‘hi, you were on my mind’. That had sent goosebumps skittering across her skin and her cheeks so hot under Aubrey’s appraising eye.

It all took a long time. Like. A really freaking long time.

Babies apparently need a lot of stuff and by the time they were finished and debating whether they could head to the register the Bellas were looking a little worse for wear and Chloe was beginning to yawn every few minutes, her words a little soggy as though she _really_ needed that nap.

It had been hours but at least they were finally all rounded up around the cash register. Chloe had sighed behind her, letting her head rest of Beca’s shoulder.

“Okay. I think we’re finally ready.” She nodded at the sales boy.

“Okay.” He said uncertainly but before he could ring up the first item Stacie cried, “Wait” and moments later all of the Bellas were in a debate about who got to buy what, all of them wanting to pitch in.

She could tell this kind of mortified Chloe but it amused the hell out of Beca, knowing that if their roles were reversed Beca would be out in the car trying not to go off in a fit of temper. The poor man behind the register was sweating a little bit when they were finally ready and he could start checking everything out.

Beca watched the number climb higher and higher, into a territory that even scared her.

They had been prepared for this. The money was there, it had been there for months between gifts, Chloe’s parents, Nick, Chloe’s own money, herself, Aubrey and all of the Bellas, still she soon heard a hitching gasping coming from the woman perched on her shoulder.

“Um, can we just, maybe, swing that - yeah,” she said lightly, pushing the little price monitor screen thingy away so it was no longer facing them. Still Chloe’s breath seemed to grow tighter and tighter. “Hey, we’re good. You’re good.”

Chloe nodded but her eyes were a little too wide.

“Okay so maybe,” she glanced over at Aubrey. She couldn’t blame Chloe for her nerves. Still she eyed Aubrey pointedly and Aubrey gave a nod.

“Hey Chlo,” Aubrey draped her arm over Chloe a little too casually, “Let’s go get some air.”

Chloe let out a sound of protest, insisting that, no, she was fine but Aubrey lovingly and firmly turned her, leading her outside.

Beca watched them go, only a little envious. She was glad Aubrey was here, she had been really helpful and - strangely - she had been kind of enjoying her - but she almost wished that it had been Aubs who had stayed. She knew that Aubrey wasn’t quite as against her as she had been, Aubrey hadn’t yelled at her even once, but she...worried. “Okay,” she shook her head, turning back to the counter, “what are we at?”

In the end, it wasn’t so bad honestly. The consignment store was a really good idea and though Aubrey was hugging an upset Chloe outside, Beca was grinning when she and the other Bellas stepped from the store and into the sunlight that had become significantly less since they entered. “‘Kay, we’re good.”

“Yeah?” Chloe’s blue eyes were a little too crystal like, as though she was holding back tears.

“Yeah,” Beca laughed. “Stop worrying. People want to be a part of this.”

“Okay. You’re right. No, no, you’re right.” Chloe wrapped her arms around Beca, burying her face in her neck for a second and sighing.

“You good?”

“Yeah.” Chloe gave her a soft smile, “I am. You guys are amazing.”

Beca grinned, “Um, they said they would deliver it within the hour.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I think you just earned first class citizenship to the land of mom, Chlo, so yeah.”

“Okay, well, um,” she shot Aubrey another look, “back to my place then?”

“Sure.”

“Okay.” Chloe grinned a little easier as she glanced at the Bellas piling into cars, “You mind if I go with Brey? I wanna do some more catching up.”

“Nope.” She tried not to laugh when Chloe gave her a kiss on the nose.

“Okay. See you in a bit, cutie.”

“ _Cutie?_ What am I a Cabbage Patch?”

“Deal with it!” Chloe called with a hip way and a snap over her head as she got in beside Aubrey.

“Really?”

“Come on, Cap! Starbucks is calling my name!” Stacie called from the passenger seat of Amy’s rented car.

“I’m coming!” Beca snapped back making Stacie roll her eyes, completely and utterly unperturbed by Beca’s bark.

“So. You nervous?” Amy asked over her shoulder, her fingers tapping aggravatingly on the steering wheel. That was the one thing that made Beca not really miss Amy as a roommate. The woman always had to be moving in some way. It was something that she and Chloe had used to share, that was until Chloe found yoga.

“For?” Beca was in the back, chewing her lip, her thoughts elsewhere, mainly on those moments where Chloe had looked up for no real reason other than to smile at her.

“To be a Mommy-Daddy.” Amy groaned as though this should have been perfectly obvious. “Duh.”

“What?” Her thoughts were finally snapped back to the car she was in as she frowned, trying to process that, “What does that even mean?” Beca’s voice was instantly so high that only dogs could have heard it.

“Oh, would you prefer Daddy-Mommy? I mean, both are kind of weird but Daddy-Mommy paints a picture that I’m not sure you-”

“What? That’s not even-” She glared at Stacie when she glanced over her shoulder in amusement. Oh god, they meant Chloe and Willa? Really? “Yeah, it’s not like that. We only just started dating.”

“I thought Emily said it’s been -”

“Yeah, I’m going to go ahead and say that we’re not going to talk about this. It’s been kind of complicated and yeah, not talking about it.” She hadn’t meant to snap quite so hard, she would have to apologize later but damn it, no, they were not having this talk.

“Oooookay.”

Aubrey and Chloe weren’t back when Beca and the cars full of Bellas arrived but she tried not to worry about that. Aubrey was a very slow, very polite driver. Instead she headed inside, pointedly avoiding all questions which was kind of like running through a field of landmines. Apparently they had all been asking Chloe these questions all morning and were _not_ satisfied with her answers. Instead of speaking she just pursed her lips and started making sandwiches, not because she wanted to feed her nosy friends but because it was something to do besides sit and deal with the inquisition.

When the delivery truck arrived before Aubrey and Chloe she couldn’t help it, she began to worry.

“I wouldn’t too much,” Emily insisted as she led the first man into the nursery, “They’re probably just catching up. If I know Chlo, they are probably out front parked somewhere talking. You know she won’t let you leave if she feels like the conversation is going well.”

And then it was too busy for her to worry. As a matter of fact, it became too busy for her to do much of anything, as she directed the deliverers and the Bellas alike. She didn’t even know when they had shown up, suddenly Chloe was just there, grinning like an imp as usual and helping to direct the flow of traffic.

“Hey you. Where have you been?”

“Just chatting. Did I worry you?”

“Me? Pshh, I never worry.”

“Awe, you were? I’m sorry.” She gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before following the last delivery inside.

The next few hours could have been a romcom transitional montage.

Beca and Cynthia Rose sitting in the middle of the nursery floor, the spare parts of the crib everywhere, both of them frowning and bickering as they tried to figure out the directions...which were in Swedish; Beca dodging when Cynthia Rose threw the instructions at her in frustration.

Amy ‘supervising’, drifting between them all, not really helping and constantly sneaking off when no one was looking to take a nap on the couch until a Bella caught her and the process started again; Stacie slapping her thighs with the pillows she was holding.

Emily trying to set up the co-sleeper and crying when she thought she broke it; Chloe hugging her close and showing her how to fix it.

Lilly putting the breast pump together like it was an easy Rubik’s Cube and doing it with a speed and ease that made them all a little uncomfortable; all of the Bellas pausing to exchange nervous looks.

Then the montage would close, with some cute wind down music, with Chloe asleep in the rocking chair and all of the Bellas around her high-fiving at a job well done.

It had taken a while but the room looked, okay yeah, it looked kind of awesome. Everything had been put out in their proper place, Chloe directing where she wanted the large furniture to go. Once she had accidentally fallen asleep they had continued on, knowing that Chloe would probably rearrange a lot of things before they baby came anyway.

“All I want to do it touch it." Ashley whispered as all of the Bellas stood in the nursery, admiring their work.

“Hmm?” Beca turned and grinned, she hadn’t actually noticed that Chloe was asleep yet; she had been far too excited about the room. It was just like - so fucking cute - all of it. Damn it she was cute too, though. She had been like an adorable narcoleptic for weeks now - okay, maybe months.

“Is it weird that I feel that way?” Ashley asked the group uncertainly.

“No, it’s like some weird cosmic pull,” Beca admitted. She _always_ wanted to touch Chloe’s belly. “Aubs, have you actually had a chance yet?”

“What?” Aubrey jumped, pricked, “No, I, no, I’m okay,” she said in a rush, fixing her hair in the little mirror and checking her phone as though she barely had the time to listen to Beca at all.

“It’s fine, come on, Chloe won’t mind.”

“Oh. No. I’m - my hands are dirty.”

Beca frowned. She had heard this lady talk about this baby like she was a new princess brought down from the heavens to be placed amongst them and yet she hadn’t gotten any bump time yet.

“Shit, I wanna go then!” Stacie sat down onto ottoman beside Chloe’s feet and put her hands on her belly, “Is it weird that we’re doing this while she’s asleep?”

“Only if we acknowledge the weirdness,” Beca shrugged, still puzzling over Aubrey and the way she wouldn’t catch Beca’s eyes. “Is she moving?”

“No, but can I stay here anyway?” Stacie asked, giving her huge toothy smile. “Amy, how is yours moving? Can you feel it yet?”

Amy scoffed as though Stacie had just suggested she do four miles of vertical running, “Naaaaah, my babies don’t tend to move around a lot. I mean, they _are_ my koala. They like to put their feet up, relax.”

Emily pushed in beside Stacie, her face bright with the usual anticipation and put her hands on Chloe’s tummy.

Beca bit her lip, silencing her phone so she could steal a few photos without anyone noticing. She was so bad at that whole girlfriend thing. How the hell Jesse had put up with her for so long, she had no idea. She probably should have been taking pictures all day. Oh well, she was pretty sure she had seen a few Bellas with their phones out. She would just see what they got.

Emily’s smile fell as she waited, “Come on, Legacy.”

“Legacy? Awwwwe, because _she’s a legacy!_ ” Stacie cooed, “Brey, come feel.”

Cynthia Rose coughed behind Beca, “Double legacy.”

“Dude!” She hissed. She was little but she was freaking fierce and she would take them down at the knees if freaking need be. “Guys! Just because Chloe and I are dating doesn’t mean I’m the second parent to this baby. There’re Nick and Jenny and Aubrey and her parents,” Aubrey jumped, a look on her face reminiscent to one she would wear if someone slapped her with a fish. “It’s takes a village or - or - or something, right? I mean, that’s the saying, right? What? Why are you staring at me like that? I’m not - ugh, never mind.”

“Becaaaaaa,” Emily whined, completely ignoring her, “get Legacy to move.”

Beca stepped forward and then stopped, seeing Cynthia Rose’s amused stare. She instead crossed her arms, refusing.

“Does she have a real name picked out?” Jessica asked, stroking Chloe’s head.

“Willa.”

“Oh that’s so pretty!”

“God, Chloe is such a hippie.”

“Dude, guys, dude!” Emily’s hands flailed as she looked around excitedly, “ _Willa!_ Oh my god. You have to listen to this.”

Beca jumped, knowing exactly why Emily had suddenly run from the room to where Chloe had her phone plugged into the wall in the kitchen.

“No!” She hissed as Emily came back in, “Dude! It’s not - it’s not ready - the hell - Flash - light.” She fought hard, she really did. She all but climbed Emily, swatting at her hands and hissing death threats about how not freaking ready the song was. She wasn’t sure if she wanted anyone else to hear her sappy bullshit. “Duuuude, staaaap! God - damn - it - why - are - you - so - fucking - tall?” All Emily had to do was hold the phone straight up in the air and though Beca tried, she couldn’t reach it. She did, however, tickle her armpit, which made Emily crumble but then she only tossed the phone to Stacie who held it up.

“Don’t make me do it, Conrad,” Beca warned.

Stacie just smirked, “I like armpit play too much to still be ticklish there.”

That made Beca frown, giving up and sitting with a huff, “You guys are dicks. She would be on my side.” She pointed to Chloe.

“No, she wouldn’t.”

She groaned because, yeah, no she wouldn’t.

The Bellas all giggled unrepentant and followed Emily out to the living room so the music wouldn’t wake Chloe.

Beca grumbled, already feeling her cheeks warm and took Stacie’s former place on the ottoman beside Chloe’s feet, letting her head rest on Chloe’s belly as she pouted.

She was doing her best to _not_ listen, so she didn’t hear when it ended and the Bellas came slowly back into the room, not until she felt one of them lay over her back like a sloth, hugging her - then another - then another - until she was under a hug version of a dog pile, gasping for breath and trying not to let any of the weight press against Chloe.

“Yeah, ‘cuz you’re not the daddy.” Cynthia Rose husked, as though she were fighting back tears.

“So I guess you guys liked it, huh?” she gasped.

The only answer she got was various versions of teary sniffing.

“Oh my god!” Chloe suddenly jumped, “What’s wrong, what happened?”

She gasped under the weight which seemed to be getting heavier and heavier. This had to be kind of a freaky sight to wake up to, only she was so crushed that she couldn’t get her lungs to work well enough to apologize.

“Guys, I think she can’t breathe.” Chloe frowned.

The pressure released and she gasped a lungful of air. “Nothing - wrong - they - just uh,”

“I played them ‘Willa Girl’!” Emily announced, looking quite proud of herself.

Beca glared, shoving the last few Bellas off and brushing out her clothes as though somehow they had gotten dirty. She was about to grumble at them when she realized she was standing face to face with Aubrey. She jumped, _that_ was never a sight you wanted to sneak up on you. “Uh...Aubs?” She couldn’t read Aubrey’s face at all. Her lips were pursed, her eyes narrowed and she thought she was tapping her foot, but she also wasn’t looking at her like any second she would take off her head, “Dude, you’re freaking me the fuck out.”

Aubrey’s eyes narrowed and Beca realized that though they were clean of any extra dampness, they were slightly red-rimmed.

That just freaked her out more.

She could feel herself starting to slink back, her arms coming up so that any attack would be deflected by her elbows.

Aubrey gave an exasperated huff and, as though she begrudged having to do it, she suddenly surged into action. Beca flinched away, letting out a yip but Aubrey caught her, pulling her into a long, tight bear hug.

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty short but hugely important! Just a warning! Also, it was not able to be beta'ed so hopefully it's not too bad! We'll get back into the beta game after this chapter!

“Uuuuuh-” Beca frowned, all but hanging loose in Aubrey’s arms, her shoulders hiked up to her ears while she dangled. There was a time when a hug from Aubrey wouldn’t have been a weird thing. They - hugged. They had hugged. Many times. But since Aubrey had decided that she hated her again there had been none of that. At all. “Aubs?” She squeaked. “Brey? Um. Aubrey?”

“Awe.” Chloe cooed, her eyes instantly water-filled behind her hand shield.

Finally, Aubrey set her down and stepped away, looking equally as uncomfortable as Beca felt, “That song is beautiful, Beca,” she told the wall.

What the hell was happening right now?

She glanced, wide-eyed, at her girlfriend and found Chloe already look at her, slightly smug and far too knowing.

“I love that song.” Chloe simply said, giving a little chin nod.

“Right. Yeah.” Beca said, perhaps a little too loudly and debating the merits of running and hiding. Maybe her car needed a top off or, she didn’t know, there was an old lady across town who needed help crossing the street somewhere in the city.

Chloe was reading her thoughts clearly though because she reached out for Beca’s hand, which, naturally she gave it to her without even thinking about it, abandoning all helpless old ladies in need without a thought.

“Okay!” Stacie finally exploded. “Now that you’re awake make her move!”

“What?”

“Oh, they were feeling you up in your sleep.” Beca provided.

“Oh. Okay.” Chloe nodded as though this would be totally commonplace and understandable.

“We were trying to get Legacy to move,” Stacie said, clearly enjoying the nickname and Chloe beamed back.

Beca watched, with a not at all small feeling of affection when Chloe’s lips twisted and she began to poke and run her fingers across her belly. She kind of loved watching them do this, and by them of course she meant Chloe and Legacy. She loved the way that Chloe jumped and giggled as she played across her own skin, waiting for responses.

Chloe felt around, poked, felt around, poked, felt around and poked but apparently Willa wasn’t giving them anything. She could see Chloe’s eyebrows slowly rising, she could see color flushing and she knew what was coming. It had been happening the whole pregnancy, any time Willa was a little difficult to rouse Chloe’s mind went into hyper drive.

Chloe could always read her like a book but sometimes Beca could read her just as well as she could see Chloe’s effort to keep her face neutral. It took a minute but finally Chloe’s eyes began to widen and cloud over until finally she gasped, “Bec, something’s wrong!”

“ _What?_ ” All of the Bellas swung into action, fluttering around her uselessly, the main being Aubrey who looked like she would rip that baby out of that damn belly is she needed to in order to ensure her safety. It was the look that had scared the crap out of and incited Beca when she had first met her, flared nostrils, pursed lips, and laser eyes.

“What can I do? What’s wrong? What happened?” Aubrey was stammering.

“Whoa, whoa, dude!” Beca held out a hand to Aubrey and therefore the rest of the girls. “Wait. _Wait_!” She had used her captain voice and it silenced all the women, even Aubrey, effectively. Chloe didn’t seem to realize it but they went through the same routine each time. “Chlo, you guys just had a busy day. Sing something. And if that doesn’t work then we’ll get you something spicy.”

The look of barely masked panic in Chloe’s eyes made her want to go to her and wrap herself around her but she made herself stay where she was. Willa was fine. She was sure of that.

“But that makes her go to sleep.”

“Yeah, well, maybe it will wake her up if she’s already sleeping? I dunno Chlo, I’m trying here.”

A slight frown to her face Chloe began to sing and soon, like a moth to the flame, all of the Bellas joined, unable to _not_ join in when one of them was singing.

“Oh!” Chloe’s wide eyes shot even wider and she jumped, startled.

“Oh my god!” Stacie’s face looked terrified but she held fast to the belly. “Whoa. So freaking weird.”

And then all of the Bella’s hands were on her, pushing Beca unceremoniously back.

“No no, it’s cool.” She grumbled as she nearly tripped over Lilly’s feet, “I’ll wait over here.”

She heard that stupid cute golden chuckle from behind the wall of Bellas, “Bec!” Chloe called and so, still grumbling she went around them and to Chloe’s side.

“Hi.”

Beca grinned and gave her a kiss when Chloe turned her head up for one.

Fine. You guys can have the belly, just save me the lips.

“Excuse me.”

Beca’s head shot up, sure no one else had heard Aubrey’s small voice, uncharacteristically small. She frowned as she watched the blonde slip out of the door. Yeah, so she had thought that she would have to fight Aubrey off when she was here, that Aubrey - whom Chloe had named godmother - would be just as addicted to that baby bump and she and Emily were, only Aubrey seemed to actively be avoiding it.

“Hey, babe, I’ll be right back.”

Chloe beamed a megawatt smile and somewhere in the back of her mind she realized she had probably never called her that before.

She followed Aubrey into the kitchen pausing as she rounded the corner. Aubrey was standing in front of the refrigerator staring at a photo that Beca knew well. It was a shot taken a lifetime ago of Aubrey and Chloe, both looking like penguin suited flight attendants, arms around one another and smiling for the camera. It was a favorite of Chloe’s. She watched as Aubrey reached forward and touched the photo, a small smile on her face.

Beca cleared her throat, totally about to call Aubrey on her weirdness when Aubrey jumped, putting her phone to her ear and said in a clear, slightly too loud voice, “Aubrey Posen.”

Beca’s eyes narrowed as she took her in, debating but fairly sure that even if her phone had been on vibrate, Aubrey wasn’t actually on with anyone, just avoiding her.

Weird. God. Everything about Aubrey was weird.

Leave it to Aubrey to get all uptight and stupid about a baby bump.

She rolled her eyes and started back to the nursery. Whatever. If Aubrey wanted to be weird then she would let her.

“So.” she clicked her tongue as she entered, “What do you think? We finished up the room while you slept.”

Chloe smiled, looking around, “Awe, guys, it’s wonderful! You are all wonderful.” She sighed, reaching for and squeezing as many hands as she could reach.

Beca glanced around, honestly proud. Once the Bellas had seen Stacie’s pink, white and teal paisley print crib set, a theme had started and now the cherry wood crib was set up, as was the changing table with a matching pad on it, the bouncer seat and everything else that was needed had somehow been found to match the colors. Beca had even heard Emily saying that she was going to sneak Benji in, who was a fairly good painter, so he could paint the words ‘Willa Girl’ over the crib. It was all - she would never admit all of the pink and pretty was cute but fuck, it was cute. And Beca was kind of proud. She had even followed a strict Pinterest list - whatever the fuck Pinterest was - about how to baby proof the rest of the house.

She grinned at Chloe, her eyes getting stuck as they sometimes did for a minute before Stacie rolled her eyes and snapped her fingers.

“Yeah?” Beca jumped, guilty.

“Um, can I show them the Alien thing?” Emily asked hesitantly.

“The whhhaaaat?” Flo asked, trepidation open on her face.

Chloe just smiled and pulled up her shirt.

“Awe, it’s so little. You sure there’s a baby in there, ginger?” Amy laughed. “Maybe you just ate too much yesterday.”

“I know, right?” Emily grinned and then turned that grin on Chloe, “Okay go.”

She and Chloe exchanged a look before Chloe began to poke and prod again until, with a shriek from the nearest Bellas, a wave rippled across Chloe’s stomach.

“Whoa!” Cynthia Rose nearly fell over, trying to move away quickly. “Aw, dude, that’s not - that’s not cool. Uh-huh, put it down, put it down.”

Chloe let out a giggle.

“Is that _supposed_ to happen?”

“Yeah. Pretty sure.”

“I think her butt is going to be ticklish.” Emily shot her grin around the group.

It was nice to see Emily this happy, Beca thought.

“Watch. Where is it?”

Chloe felt around for a minute and then zeroed in, Emily poked it, there was a big kick that made Chloe jump and let out a loud ‘oh!’

“Pretty sure she’s going to be all about dance too.” Beca planted herself, getting the baby to move, spin and twirl, laughing as she did it. “What?” Beca flushed when she looked up to see Chloe watching her with a strange look on her face.

“So Chloe,” Aubrey reentered the room, her lips slightly pursed, “I was thinking that maybe we should go shopping for dinner supplies.”

“Instead of going out?” Beca frowned; she had been mentally calculating the best place to go all afternoon.

“Yes. Healthier. Cleaner. Better for the baby.”

Beca just shrugged at Aubrey’s eye rolled show of authority.

“What do you feel like having, Chloe?”

She thought far too hard about this for a bit, “I’m not sure. Maybe let’s just go to the store and look around until we think of something.”

Aubrey nodded once.

“Do you want to go now?”

Another nod.

“Okay!”

Chloe started to pull herself up and Beca frowned, “Chlo, are you sure you-” but Chloe sent her _that look_. She had gotten it a lot lately, that look that said ‘Beca, I’m not made of glass’.

She closed her mouth fast. “Right. Shutting up.”

Chloe was big on still being able to do things despite her belly. So far she had done well but Beca was beginning to wonder how long before she got too tired for yoga and running around like she was. She had no idea how she tackled a roomful of third graders every day. Granted, this was Chloe - which was more stubborn, her or her body? Okay, maybe Beca was hovering a little bit. “Is there anything else that needs to get done?” she asked, glancing around.

“Yup.” Chloe gave her a smile, her fingers trailing up Beca’s arm. “Ladies, give me a minute.”

But before Beca could ask what it was she was being pushed and pulled into Chloe’s bedroom and the door was closing with a snap.

“Wha-”

Chloe was on her before she could finish the word, kissing her as though they would never be allowed to kiss again.

Beca let out a little moan of surprise. She could hear Aubrey barking down the hall, insisting with an exasperated growl that she was never going to get them out of there now. She was sure she heard Stacie say something in reply but Chloe was pushing her against the dresser and Beca was scooting her butt up, her arms wrapping around Chloe’s neck as she met Chloe’s furious lips with gusto.

“What - is this - for?” Beca asked, slightly embarrassed by how quickly her breath had picked up into a gallop. She felt Chloe slip deeply into her mouth, her hands closing like a vise on her hips and she began to melt, muttering a few swear words.

“You’re wonderful, did you know that?”

Beca just hiccupped as Chloe’s full lips trailed down her neck and up to her ear, sucking on it lightly. “I just wanted you to know that, I guess. And that I appreciate you.”

Okay so Beca wanted to climb her. Chloe couldn’t kiss her like that and expect her not to, she couldn’t do that slow sultry in her ear thing. This was all still new. Those lips drove her fucking crazy.

And the thing was Chloe was kissing her...like _kissing_ her, kissing her; like, she was a little nervous about being rocked off of the dresser with the way they were moving together.

She gasped as she felt Chloe cup her breasts, sucking lightly on her neck before returning to her lips.

“Fuuuuuck, Chloooooo. People - are - waiting - outside - like - right out-side.”

Chloe let out a little groan, not listening, her hands sliding, cupping her, “You know, this would be the perfect angle.”

Beca fought the urge to find out just how perfect.

“It’s funny,” Chloe gasped as Beca gave in and let her hands begin to wander, watching Chloe bite her lip as she caressed her breast, listening to her low growl as she pulled a little on her hair, “but I came in here just to kiss you.”

“Uh huh.” Beca nodded, catching her bottom lip and releasing it with a pop.

“But now-”

“Now?”

Chloe pressed her palm, making her point.

“Fuck.”

“CHLOE!” Aubrey barked.

“No,” Chloe grumbled, softly rubbing, her tongue lavishing Beca’s mouth.

“CHLOE!”

“I’M _BUSY!_ ”

Beca was hitching, her breath climbing and she was fairly sure that she was going to kill Aubrey Posen if she interrupted them again.

From outside the door she heard the sound of a capella mixed 70’s porn music floating in, each familiar voice flowing over one another.

“Damn it!”

The captain hat was about to go on. She was going to go out there and kick - some - ass.

Chloe’s thumb pressed in just the right spot and instead Beca’s head dropped and her fingers began to tangle with Chloe’s as they both began to fumble with the button of her jeans.

Hooting and whistling began in the hall and Chloe sagged against her, “I’m pretty sure that this is what it would have been like if we were together in college.”

“Dead Bella,” she muttered, pulling her back in, taking control. “Damn it, Chlo, you - you - I - you- angry -” she groaned, letting her head fall back against the mirror behind her

“And now?” Chloe grinned, unrepentant.

“I - I’m - other - things - can’t,” she groaned and wiped her face, willing herself to cool.

It didn’t work though when, with an eyebrow cocked, Chloe slipped her hand inside of the unbuttoned jeans. “Mmm, my, my, Mz. Mitchell.” She grinned, tracing the center of her dampening underwear.

“Are you complaining?”

“No. But Aubrey is.”

“Um, please don’t talk about Aubrey when your hand is in my pants. Haven’t we covered this?”

“Mmm,” Chloe bit her lip and yelled over her shoulder, “OKAY, I’M COMING!”

Beca hadn’t even heard whatever Chloe was responding to but she did hear the series of giggles and catcalls that followed.

“Fucking. Kill. Them.” Beca growled, jumping off of the desk when Chloe pushed away, grinning at her as she straightened her clothes. Then Chloe was back, pressing against her and whispering in her ear, “I promise to make it up to you tonight.” She gave the shell of her ear a small lick that was filled with static and then she was out of the bedroom door.

Beca followed, unsteadily shoving Amy when she gave her a knowing grin, which of course meant she was shoved back with a strength that sent her flying.

Chloe grabbed her purse and she and Aubrey headed for the door, Chloe calling a “Love you,” over her shoulder.

Jessica and Ashley melted into twin giggled and awes.

“Was that meant for you?” Amy asked.

Beca just stared back, her cheeks hurting from the size of her smile and let out her signature stupid giggle at her.

“Okay! They’re gone!” Flo suddenly cried, making Beca jump, not quite out of her stupor yet.

“Wait, what? What’s happening?”

Amy clapped her on the back, sending Beca stumbling forward a few feet, her grin huge.

Stacie let out a loud whoop and suddenly she was in front of her with a bottle of Jack and a handful of solo cup shot glasses, “Consider this your daddy shower.”

“DUDE!I’MNOTHAVINGABABY!” Beca cried, grabbing the bottle and hiding it under her shirt, “Where the fuck is Emily?” It wasn’t their fault, they hadn’t told anyone about the thing going on with Emily, it just seemed kind of fucked up to do so.

“I think she went to get dinner, why?”

The sudden stress in Beca’s stomach loosened, “Uh, ‘cause I’m not having a baby?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even if you’re not, you’re going to be there like all of the time. Shut up and take the drinks.”

“And we have games!” Flo cheered, jumping up and down, “You know, I never knew that diapers could be used for anything other than babies and when you’re hiding under the floorboards in a van from border patrol. But here we are! It’s going to be fun!”

Beca blinked, she had no idea what to say to that. She never had any idea what to say when Flo said things like that.

“Cheers.” Cynthia Rose insisted, pulling the bottle out from under her shirt and pushing it into her chest.

“Can’t.” Beca shoved it back at her, thinking of Emily who had seemed sober all day and of Chloe who missed her wine with dinner as well as her very official evenings of getting drunk and watching Grey’s Anatomy or Gilmore Girl reruns. ‘It’s the best of the best for stress relief - only thing better would be…’ and then Chloe had given her a lusty smile and a wink. This, of course, was back in the days before their two-year split so that little smile and wink had pretty much put Beca down for the count.

“Uh, _can_.” Stacie scoffed, taking the bottle and pouring a shot. “We’ll have you sober by the time we head over. Just a few drinks, I promise.”

Beca was fairly sure some of her drunkest nights had begun with that kind of promise from Stacie. Still, she took the shot. She was an adult; she could make sure she was sober.

“Good. And now this.” Ashley grinned at her, all but shoving a jello shot that tasted _far_ too strong into her mouth.

“Ugh, god, what flavor is that?”

“No idea. Passion fruit lime, I think.”

“Ugh, that’s _foul!_ ”

“And this!” Amy appeared holding a giant, paper baby bonnet.

“Fuck. No.” Beca ducked away and started toward where the other Bellas were congregated just outside of Chloe’s sliding glass door.

For most of the world it was still winter but in L.A. is was a breezy 78 and the Bellas were loving it.

“Alright, bitches, rule number one!” Amy announced a few minutes later, standing in the doorway so both the outside Bellas and the inside could hear, “anytime someone _accidentally_ , yeah that’s right, C.R., says the word baby - our fearless leader has to take a shot.”

“Wha-no, dude, no way! That is so not fair!” Beca spluttered.

“Why baby? Shouldn’t it be Willa or even better - Chloe?”

“Aaaaaahhhhhh!” Amy cried, pointing to Stacie who had just goofed.

She looked confused for a second and then grinned, “Oops. This is going to be fun!”

“Yeah, I’m sure you’re really sorry,” Beca growled, taking the shot.

“Oh and I err someone err in here just said it too so - Ooooh noooo,” Amy cried tipping another down Beca’s throat and making her choke a little.

“Dude.” Beca moaned, wiping her mouth, “Terrible liar. Fucking. Awful.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Amy said, eyes wide and blank.

“No soup for you!” Beca shouted and then had a moment to be sad that Emily couldn’t be there to share in her their stupid inner jokes.

“Uhhh yeah, maybe we need to slow down.” Amy frowned at her.

Except they didn’t.

Minutes later Beca found herself in a line with Jessica, Stacie, and Flo, a new Bare baby bottle in her hand filled with Jack and Coke.

“Ready? And - GO!” Cynthia Rose cried.

Beca gave the bottle a suck and nearly choked.

“Go, go, go!”

“Dude, dude, no, not right.” The bottle was designed as a tool for breast pumping mothers and therefore - yeah, gross-out factor at the max.

Stacie stopped, “Dude, this is fucking amazing! It feels just like having a nipple in your mouth.”

Beca opened her mouth to comment but in an effort to win Stacie slapped at the bottle, nearly knocking it out of Beca’s hands.

“Aaaack!” She cried, remembering they were racing and started to suck the alcohol back.

“Of course the nipple sucker would win!” Amy grumbled when Beca came out somehow victorious.

“Yeah, well, I’m pretty sure that game was rigged.”

“So the baby just-” Jessica was looking at the bottle with fascination, pulling the plastic nipple to its max and letting it pop back down.

“Beca!” Stacie cried and poured her a shot.

Oh god, she was losing this game fast.

“Nooooooo!” She moaned, slapping at Stacie’s hand when she tried to feed it to her but eventually she lost and sat with a thump on one of the patio chairs. “I’m sure Chloe would be really glad to know we just used her bottles for whiskey. No one tell her, ‘kay?”

She was getting drunk - or she was drunk - she didn’t know but drunking was happening fast and she wasn’t the only one.

Stacie swung herself into Beca’s lap in a way that Beca had long ago become accustomed to, her arm going around Beca’s neck as she tried to stay in a lap that was much too small for her long body. “So.” Stacie said with a huff, bonking her nose, “tell me honestly.” She flipped her hair back, eyes narrowing, “You _really_ don’t think this baby is yours?”

Beca took the required shot and shook her head, “Anyone else says baby and they are sleeping in the pool tonight.”

Then she had to argue for a few minutes with Amy about whether or not she had used the word on purpose.

“And to answer your question, you leggy freak you, no, I do not. Why would she be? Dude, do you know how pissed Nick would be if someone called _meee_ the daddy? Oh my god.” Beca broke into I-swear-I’m-not-drunk cackles. Shit. “I’m not,” she tried to say more reasonably, “I’m not the daddy. Nick is the daddy. Heeeee’s her husband.”

“I don’t know,” Stacie scowled, “as hunky as he is the rules might have changed when he stopped putting his penis in her and you started putting yours in.”

Beca scowled. “I don’t - yeah, I don’t really want to think about Nick and his penis because ew. And - stop talking about my penis.”

Stacie waggled her eyebrows playfully.

“And I have no idea how Chloe is going to be. I have no idea if she’s even going to _want_ to keep dating once Willa is here. She might not. Probably not. It took fucking _forever_ for her to even get to this point, like seriously. We started sleeping together in September and we just got together like fucking yesterday basically. She might backtrack. With my luck, she’ll probably backtrack. She kept saying that she and Willa were too much for me to ‘take on’ and a bunch of stupid shit. So whatever spell she is under right now that makes her think I’m worth the hassle will probably break.”

“Oh god. Whatever.” Stacie waved her hand, “So, _are_ they?”

“What too much? Pshhh,” Beca threw back her head and laughed, “I’m still pissed that she even moved out.”

“God, we have missed _so_ much over the last few months. Who’s in charge of the gossip phone tree because they’re slacking.” Cynthia Rose cried, heading inside.

“Eerr, usually Chloe,” Beca called, her head hanging limping behind her.

“Damn it.” Cynthia Rose cried, disappearing into the kitchen.

“What are we going to do when she goes into labor?” Ashley asked, reappearing from inside seeming significantly less sober than when she entered.

“I see how it is, none of you twigs came for any of mine.”

“You never tell us you’re pregnant, F.A. Just suddenly there’s a new baby on your Facebook.” Stacie reasoned.

“Oh, errr, yeaaaah. Okay, fair enough.”

“I wanna be here!” Stacie’s legs kicked and then froze, midair, “Okay, maybe not like - right then - but like - a few days later - or even that night.”

“I think Aubrey has an adjustable ticket for when she’s born. I think she’s going to come out right after.”

“She doesn’t want to be there?”

“Dude. I don’t know if _I_ want to be in there. Have you ever watched any birthing videos? That shit...is serious...it’s...it’s no fucking joke.” It definitely hadn’t been haunting her.

“You ask Chloe about that because I kind of think her birthing plan has included holding your hand since 2009.” Stacie scoffed.

Beca frowned, trying to ignore that and noticing that it was getting dark. Shit, when had it gotten so late? “Where the hell is my girlfriend?” Tingles went up Beca’s drunken spine and she let out a giggle, “Oh my god, I’m talking about Chloe! Chloe is my _girlfriend_!”

Stacie gave her a narrowed eyed glance, “Maybe we should cut you-”

“Oh my god,” she groaned, running a hand over her face, “I have to stop drinking. I can’t be drunk in front of Chloe and Emily. Ooooh god, Emily. I can’t be drunk in front of Emily, what was I thinking? Is there an instantly sober button? Shit!”

“What do you mean?” Amy asked, offering her another shot. “Why can’t you be drunk in front of Emily? We’ve _all_ heard about her Bellas parties.”

“Guys,” Beca bit her lip, she hadn’t wanted to tell them but now with them all in one place and a generous amount of alcohol in her system, suddenly Beca thought they should know, “Emily...so, um, I haven’t told you...”

“Oh, she’s in the kitchen, Beca,” Flo said, stretching and perching on Jessica’s chair. “She and C.R. and doing a shots contest.”

Everything in Beca’s brain seemed to go silent, “She’s _what?_ No, she went with Chloe.”

“No, she’s been inside.” Flo frowned. “I keep telling them to come outside but they don't’ listen.”

Beca hadn’t meant to dump Stacie onto the ground but she was up and Stacie was down in a second.

No. No way. No, no, no!

She rounded the corner into the kitchen and froze, just as Emily slammed her shot down a millisecond before Cynthia Rose.

“Damn, gurl! Where does it all go? You got a hollow leg or something?” Cynthia Rose gasped, looking a little ill.

Emily was cheering, jumping up and down and pretending to bow.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” She shouted making Emily jump and drop the glass she had just picked up so it shattered on the counter, “ _Emily!_ ” She felt - like fucking shit - she would never have - Emily was supposed to be - oh god, she was fucking trash. She hadn’t known. The Bellas, when they swarmed were like a plague of locust, taking over everything and demolishing whatever was in their path. You didn’t have a lot of choice when they all turned on you at once. She had been swept up in them and she – she hadn’t realized. She stared back at Emily, her stomach sick and she hated herself for allowing Emily to be there. Right now, with her brain muddled by the liquor, she hated Emily a little bit. “ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?”

“Whoa, whoa, chill out, Shawshank, what’s-”

“This is my choice, Beca!” Emily cried, “I tried, I did, I stayed in here, I stayed away from people, but then I just decided and, and, and, it’s my freaking choice!”

“I THOUGHT YOU WERE DOING BETTER!” Beca cried, not even caring when angry tears popped into her eyes, “I THOUGHT WITH BENJI AND - AND - AND SHIT!”

“Whoa, ladies, what the hell?”

“She’s an alcoholic, C.R.!” Beca shouted, “She’s been going to A.A. - well, _when_ she goes to A.A., I mean.”

“What?” Cynthia Rose gasped.

“She’s been in and out of A.A. since my car accident.” Her voice had dropped but she knew it didn’t matter, all of the Bellas were there now. “I shouldn’t have fucking told you, I should have told _all_ of you.”

Cynthia Rose frowned, staring down at the counter like she was willing herself not to be sick.

The look on Emily’s face ripped at Beca’s insides, tore at it until it bled. Her betrayal was evident and it hurt but right now Beca didn’t care. “I thought you were going to try.”

Emily’s mouth popped open but instead of answering she looked around all the group, tears gathering and spilling, as her friends stared back, shell-shocked, “I can’t believe you just did that.”

“I - I didn’t know. Em, I’m - I’m really sorry.” Cynthia Rose stammered. Beca saw that she looked like she too might burst into tears, “I’m sorry, I wouldn’t have - I’m - I’m sorry.”

“No!” Beca yelled, furious at the obvious trauma there on Cynthia Rose’s face, at seeing a woman cry whom had never cried, not once in the years they had shared as Bellas, “No, it’s not your job to know. You are supposed to be doing the work, Emily! You!”

She could tell she had trapped Emily. She stared around, taking a step back, her face morphing, dying, “I just believe you just told everyone.”

“Emily, you’re supposed to be trying! What is it going to take to make you care about yourself, dude? You blame us, you say we’re too caught in our shit but you’re supposed to be doing the work!” She knew that she had been stressed about this for a long time now so she knew she was snapping, maybe being a little irrational - and drunk - but...

“DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD THIS IS? HOW DARE YOU, BECA! FUCK YOU; I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU JUST PULLED THAT JUDGEMENTAL BULLSHIT! I’M OUT!” She turned for the door but then spun back and for a second Beca was sure that Emily was going to hit her. Instead the blow was verbal, “You’re a shitty fucking friend, Beca.”

And then Emily left in a storm of flying hair and tears.

Beca gasped and tears spilled.

“I didn’t know.” Cynthia Rose said again, “I challenged her to a shot contest. I gave her shit when she said no.”

“No!” Beca cried, wiping furiously at her face, “It’s not your fault.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Stacie’s voice was stern as she wrapped an arm around Cynthia Rose.

Beca shot around, ready to take a bite out of Stacie but her fire faded instantly, “I - I guess I just, I dunno, that seemed fucked up. Like it wasn’t really my secret to give. Now I wish I had.” she kicked the cabinets violently, “Fuck.”

 

* * *

 

They heard from Chloe an hour later and, like it happens in drunken times, by then the topic had been thoroughly, if not futility, talked out and then the mood had swung back around, the pain they were all feeling for their friend was buried under a wave of alcohol - and would be until they sobered up.

Beca welcomed it, dulling the hurt and wishing desperately that Chloe was there with them.

“Hey baby. Where have you been?” She laughed as Amy appeared like the goddamn baby police.

“Hold on, Red,” Amy called into her phone, not even bothering to put it to her ear as she force-fed Beca another shot.

“Bec?” She could hear Chloe calling when she picked it up again, choking and coughing,

“Sorry. Hi. Where are you?”

“Hey, I miss you.”

Beca let out a stupid little laugh and a “You do?” that she wished she had never said.

“I always do. We decided to go to your place. There’s more room. Do you think you can get everyone here?”

“Ooooohkay, gorgeous.”

There was a long pause on the line before Chloe asked, in an amused voice, “Are you drunk?”

Uhh...she wasn’t sure she was going to get in trouble, Chloe had always kind of loved it when she was drunk. “There is a chance that I might not not be.”

“Was that a yes?”

“Did you know,” Beca sighed, holding out the ‘ow’, “that the word ‘ _baby_ ’ is an evil word. It’s four letters even.”

“What?”

“I uh - we’re coming.”

For the safety of all, they took an Uber and though Beca was starting to sober just a little bit, she still brushed her teeth twice before leaving and was chewing gum when she arrived.

“Heeeeey!” They had kind of come in like a herd of drunken stumbling cattle.

“Oh my!” Chloe cried, looking adorable with a spoon in her hand.

“What?” Beca gave her a toothy smile and hoped that maybe she was good. “You guys are all super cute. What’s for dinner?”

“Tacos. Bec, where’s Em?”

Beca’s mouth went dry as she opened it, ready to tell her, only Chloe looked so happy, her smile was so warm, her eyes twinkling so much, “I’ll tell you later. Everything smells great.”

Chloe bit her lip and grinned.

“Thank you, Beca,” Aubrey said slowly, eyeing her as she always seemed to these days. “Food will be done in a minute. And oh, Beca,”

“Hmm?”

“I put my things up in one of your guest rooms.”

Beca blinked a few times, processing, “You’re staying with me? Not Chlo? With - me?”

“Is that a problem?” Aubrey asked, her face deceptively blank.

“No!” Beca said a little too quickly, “No, no, it’s all - it’s all good.” She tried to read something in Aubrey’s face but nothing was there. Was this an olive branch? “So are you hating me less these days then? Whoa. Uh, sorry. I guess that bottle kind of got to me. Ima - I’ma go over there.”

“Actually, Bec,” Beca stopped, “I forgot my stuff on the spare bed, so silly, will you do me a favor and grab it? Pretty please?”

Beca frowned, “What am I looking for?”

“It’s right there on the bed,” Chloe said, only giving her the barest of glances.

“Okay.” Beca scoffed, “You literally don’t know what you left?” She rolled her eyes but she was already climbing the stairs, “Do you at least know which spare room?” she called over her shoulder.

“The first one right next to your room.”

“Okay, I-” she threw open the door and froze.

For a second she thought she had come into the wrong room, though what room could she have mistaken it for?

The fuck?

It had been completely rearranged, and her foggy alcohol soaked brain was having a hard time processing it.

The bed was on the far wall now instead of centered and in the newly open space was - a mini crib - a mini crib of cherry wood with a pink and teal paisley mattress pad. Beside it a small dresser had been added, a handful of linens, bottles, toys and whatever else had been stacked on top of it. She could see bottles, she could see pacifiers, she could see a diaper bag and on the floor, leaning against the wall was a basket co-sleeper.

A co-sleeper.

Here.

For her bed.

A co-sleeper designed to be - co - to be kept in the bed by a body on either side.

_Two bodies._

Not just Chloe’s but...

She realized her mouth was hanging open only she couldn’t make it close.

She - that - she - oh my god - she -

Arms suddenly snaked around her shoulders and chest and she didn’t even jump because who else could it be? She felt Chloe bury her nose in Beca’s neck, squeezing tightly. Her hands moved of their own accord, closing on Chloe’s arm, not to pull it away but just holding it. She couldn’t think - she couldn’t - she just kept staring at that small crib.

“I hope this is okay.” Chloe breathed into her neck. “I was just thinking that we’re probably going to be here so often that we will probably need somewhere to put her. It doesn’t have to mean – anyway and it doesn’t have to stay or we can move it to another room or - are you crying?”

“What?” Beca scoffed, wiping away a rogue tear, “No. I just, err, I have a branch in my eye or something.”

“Bec?” She could feel Chloe’s nose resting against her ear, “Is it okay?”

“This is _awesome_.” She turned, wanting to hug her, wanting to hold her, to hold them. She caught sight, as she did, of the other Bellas slipping back down the stairs, eyes averted to give them privacy. She ignored them, and just wrapped her arms around her, balling a hand in Chloe’s crazy hair and the other around her waist. She felt Chloe chuckle against her and she just held her tighter, breathing her in, feeling the little movement against her own belly as the not-so-stranger little stranger moved. “Chloe,” she sighed, loving that Chloe just melted into her, resting comfortably against her, hugging her right back with a tightness that should have hurt but was only comforting.

After a few Chloe pulled back a little bit, barely, just enough to stroke her face, just enough to rest her forehead against Beca’s, blue eyes drilling into her, “Are you sure?”

“What? Yeah, of course. Totally, yeah, why wouldn’t it be? It’s uh, yeah.” She sighed, wishing for once that she could not fucking do that. She could feel Chloe waiting so she took a deep breath and sheepishly looked back, “Yeah. Yeah it is.”

“Yeah?” Chloe grinned and so Beca kissed her. She kissed her slowly and then wrapped her arms around her so she could hug her again, her heart beating a warm tappy rhythm as though it were reaching, and successfully finding Chloe’s own.

They stayed there for a while, whispering in the door frame, hugging, kissing. Chloe pressed tightly into her as she said something that made Beca laugh, as Chloe moved her hand to her belly to feel the squirming baby, as Beca reached up and first kissed her nose and then her lips, feeling like she might combust with happiness. They stayed until Stacie came up a few stairs and knocked on the wall, “Guys, dinner’s ready.”

“Okay, we’re coming,” Chloe called, smiling and running her fingers over Beca’s cheek again. It felt like heaven.

 

Dinner was comfortable. They all felt the hole where Emily was missing but otherwise they laughed and talking like normal.

The time upstairs, the feeling of Chloe’s hand on hers, the hand which didn’t seem to want to move had sobered Beca quite a bit, enough to feel safe and comfortable teasing Aubrey. Okay, maybe that was the last bit of the alcohol.

“So Aubs,” Beca said as they all settled themselves on the living room couches. “You’re staying here, huh? Am I out of best friend purgatory?”

Aubrey blanched, glaring, growing instantly twitchy.

Beca smirked, deciding not to tease her more. She was about to ask Jessica a question when Aubrey suddenly exploded.

“Okay, fine,” her hand slapped her thigh in a way that Beca thought was probably painful, “I was _jealous_. Okay? Whatever, Beca, let it go. No one likes a dirty winner.”

“What?” Beca had jumped, her face twisting around to look at all of the Bellas in turn when they began to laugh in agreement.

Ashley was still chuckling, but not unkindly when she said, “Watching you two is kind of like watching a lifetime movie. Years of being in love, drama, you guys understood one another in a way that none of us ever have.”

“Yes” Aubrey said slowly, her eyebrows knit before her face cleared and she mumbled, “And I can’t even keep a boyfriend.” Aubrey’s tongue clicked, “So yes. I was jealous. About. All of that. So. Whatever. Moving on.” Aubrey’s face had crumpled into a mask of I-swear-it’s fine and Beca didn’t buy it for a second.

“Au- ” but the word dried on her lips as she watched Aubrey, completely unaware of Beca’s watching eyes, throw Chloe a small, desperate glance. It had only been a moment, maybe less and in in Beca had finally just seen her answer.

She thought of the weird behavior, the weird Aubrey being in Chloe’s bed thing, the look on her face when she had been caught, the constant anger about she and Chloe, the way Beca had seen her so reverently touch the photo of herself and Chloe.

She had to work to keep her jaw from dropping to the floor when she realized – for the first time –that while the Bellas might have felt jealous for those reasons, that was not at all why Aubrey had felt that way…not with the way she had just looked at her girlfriend.

Beca felt like her world had suddenly tipped to its side. So then…if all of these years…god that was a fucked up triangle she hadn’t even known about. Should she be jealous? Should she like – she didn’t really know – do something about that? Did Chloe know? Should she be pissed? Did it even matter? “Well. I hear that men don’t tend to like to have their balls shrink-wrapped, Aubs.” Her rude sarcastic words had just popped from her, her eyes still wide with shock.

Chloe smacked Beca making her jump again but, to Beca’s surpise, she and Aubrey were sharing a laugh and despite whatever she had just seen, it felt awesome. A baby set up and a friend back all in one evening? This was great. She didn’t need to worry about that...right? Except...if Chloe hadn’t known - if she were to maybe know now...would her choice be different? She tried to imagine Chloe and Aubrey riding off into the sunset and it made her stomach cramp.

Stacie scoffed, her long fingers tracing nothing on the arm of the couch, “Maybe you just need to try something _other_ than men for a while, _Aubrey_.” She said it with a wink but it was so unlike Stacie’s normal flirtations. All eyes turned on her at the catch in her voice. Beca could see a thin layer of vulnerability in the way her ankle twitched, her fingers playing with nothing.

Stacie - she realized slowly - was _serious_!

They were all just staring at her and Stacie wouldn’t meet any of their eyes, busy staring Aubrey down.

“What?” Aubrey’s hand had fluttered to her hair, fixing it nervously and playing around her lips, much as she had, well always, when nervous.

Stacie shrugged. “It seems to be working out pretty well for them,” she said giving Aubrey a daring look.

Aubrey just blinked a few times and then her cheeks went a sparkling and honestly pretty shade of red.

Okay - Stacie for Aubrey? Since when has that been a thing? Oh ew, Stacie was supposed to be doubling in a room with Aubrey tonight, right? Like – the room right next to them… Dude. Since when had that been a freaking thing?

….Okay, clearly for a while based off of the look of pride that Chloe was giving Stacie.

So apparently this triangle had actually been a square. _How_ had she gone through literally years without knowing any of this?

Aubrey took a suddenly deep breath, her red cheeks turning white, “Stacie, _we have talked about this!_ This isn’t – that isn’t – it is not as simple as you think. People don’t just - they don’t just _do -_ that. They don’t just suddenly date women!”

All eyes popped, even Chloe’s, as their heads whipped around to stare with vacant shocked expressions at Aubrey – who was twitching like she hadn’t meant to speak at all.

“Uh-huh.” Stacie grinned, flashing a wink at the flustered blonde. “Chlo did.”

Beca exchanged a shocked look with Chloe. Clearly, they were seeing a fight that had already been happening for a long time, given the exasperation in their answers.

“Do you regret it, Chloe?” Stacie asked, finally looking away from Aubrey.

Chloe let out a giggle, her shoulders bouncing, “Nope.”

“See.” Stacie’s eyes fell back on Aubrey, openly anxious, openly teasing, openly - passionate.

Aubrey’s mouth fell open and, despite the embarrassed glance she gave the other Bellas, it just hung there, unable to close.

No, Beca didn’t think she had to worry much about Aubrey and possible feelings for Chloe. Clearly she already had her hands full with a very different Bella woman.

“You didn’t tell me?” Chloe hissed.

Aubrey’s lips became a thin painted line, “You didn’t tell me about Beca.”

“Oh my god, deets.” She heard Chloe hiss to Aubrey who just squirmed in her seat some more.

“Fucking hell,” Amy suddenly shouted, her hands flying as she popped the bubble, “lesbians everywhere!”

Beca just laughed, “Blame Barden. It was in the water.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Other thoughts:
> 
> So ya'll. I have been thinking about possibly doing a ficlet/six-shot…or maybe a full length thing in this same universe that would be going alongside this story about whatever the hell has been secretly going on with Aubrey and Stacie this whole time. I started hinting at the beginning of ILYAN so I could start there and perhaps skip through time. I'm not sure. Would anyone be interested in that? Also I've been thinking about a third for a while now. I'm pretty sure that I have decided to do it but it wouldn't be for a while. (Like, maybe next year) Some of you have noticed that I just let the whole Nick doesn't like Chloe not living in Henderson thing go. That's because he basically hinted that he will bring it back up once Willa is born. So I've been considering a third wherein Marcy and Nick try to do something about that, as well as a lot of Mama-Bechloe-against-the-world feels. What do you guys think? So yeah, any interest in either of those?


	20. Chapter 20

**February 23rd**

 

Chloe’s belly….yeah, so Beca wouldn’t say this out loud because the one time she did, the day after Valentine’s Day, Chloe had hit her with a pillow and then cried, but damn it was getting big. Like - was she having twins kind of _big_? She didn’t know but she did know that as it grew everything about their lives just got fucking _harder_. So much harder that their first Valentine’s day as a couple had been spent on the couch, Chloe promising she wasn’t crying because she was upset, she was just tired - as tears flowed down her face. Beca had done her best to help, giving her a backrub, rubbed her feet, her hair, everything that she could touch. They hadn’t even bothered to go out. Beca had cancelled their dinner reservations on the sly, knowing that Chloe wouldn’t say that she was too tired even though it was clear that she really was. She had instead ordered a few treats that Chloe would never get herself and then spent the night pampering her, proud when Chloe went to bed that night with a smile on her face.

Beca couldn’t say she wasn’t a little annoyed with Walton either. Chloe should have been done by now, but instead she was running around like a crazy person. Which - she knew that should kind of be up to Chloe, and it was, only Chloe was the kind of person who put the needs of others, for the most part, before her own. _Someone_ had to look out for her.

It didn’t help that over the two weeks since the Bellas had been in town they had - _both_ \- absolutely stopped sleeping. Like...almost completely.

It was like Chloe had hit a wall. She was never comfortable anymore and her discomfort made it so Beca couldn’t sleep. Chloe had of course apologized and tried to sleep elsewhere but Beca hadn’t let her, moodily following her to the spare bed when Chloe moved. Beca liked her sleep. A lot. So much. Especially now. The dreams, no longer fueled by the feeling of slowly losing her best friend and love, were beginning to fade again. But she was a little worried that if she let Chloe sleep elsewhere she might stop staying altogether.

And with the lack of sleep came Grumpy-Chloe, a woman who was not to be reckoned with...ever...Grumpy-Chloe had always been a terrifying creature whom even Amy had never had the balls to fuck with. Pregnant-Grumpy-Chloe was all the worst. She had started barking at Beca for wanting belly time which - she couldn’t really blame her - it really did look like even the skin must hurt these days. Chloe swore it didn’t, that it was just the pain from her back but she cooed a little too much when Beca rubbed in the cocoa butter for her to believe her fully.  

They were both working like mad - or maybe it just took that much effort to function properly, either way, they were both exhausted.

And things were starting to get hard.

Hard enough that when Chloe showed up at Grasshopper that Friday Beca wasn’t all of that surprised.

“Heey beautiful,” Beca grinned. The headphones connecting her to what Kendra was doing in the booth were over her ears so she wouldn’t have been able to hear a response but it turned out that it wasn’t really needed. Chloe didn’t say anything; just shot her a mild glare, her face pale. Beca chewed on the inside of her lip and asked Kendra to pause for a minute. “You okay?”

“What?” Chloe tried to smile but the smile was lost under the blue bruises exhaustion was creating under her eyes, “I’m just -” she sighed, running her hands over her belly, “I’m just tired. That’s all. I didn’t think I should try and make it home. Um, this was closer.”

Beca nodded, “I’m glad you made it. Do you want to lay down? I have a pillow and-”

“No, no,” Chloe jumped, “That’s okay.” She gave her a shaky smile, “Thanks. Just uh, let me stay?”

“Of course.” Beca jumped up and pulled her into a hug. She hadn’t really been sure about how to respond to Chloe for a little bit now. She didn’t want to be insensitive, but also didn’t want to be overly clingy or - she didn’t know - somehow too _Beca_ and fuck it up. So, she just hugged her a lot.

Chloe sighed, sinking into it, curling her fingers into Beca’s hair, “Sorry I’m so grumpy, I’m just-”

“You’re tired. I get it. I do. Come on.” She helped her onto the couch and spent a second pushing her hair back. “Kendra and I will move quickly, okay?”

Chloe just nodded, her sparking eyes tear filled.

It hurt Beca’s heart. She could see Chloe trying so hard to keep that smile on her face, she could see her struggling but she could also see that everything hurt right now. Standing for ten hours a day will do that to you, especially when you’re Chloe who was all skinny, fit body and giant belly. You couldn’t even tell Chloe was pregnant from behind. It had to kill.

“Can I get you anything?”

“No, I’m okay. Thanks, Bec. Go back to work.”

Beca nodded, kind of not wanting to and kissed her cheek.

“Hey, why do you have a pillow and blanket here?”

“Errr,” Beca froze, knowing there was no way to answer this that would work in her favor. “Because they’re awesome.” She tried, happy when Chloe laughed, “I used to sleep here a lot. Are you sure that you don’t want one?”

“Nah, I’ll be okay.”

She had hoped that Chloe would just fall asleep anyway, she tried to be quiet even but either Chloe was stubborn - surprise, surprise - or Willa was sitting on her tailbone again because though it was another two hours before Beca could reasonably call off the session, Chloe was awake through the whole thing.

“Girl, you look like you finally got there.”

“Where?” Chloe tried for her huge grin, the one that always knocked the receiver over, but it fizzled out and died as she let out a yelp when Kendra helped to pull her to her feet.

“To the ‘dear god, get it out of me’ stage.”

At least when Chloe laughed it was genuine.

“Oh god, almost. Mostly I just feel gross and _so big._ ”

“Naw, you’re beautiful.”

Beca nodded, signing off on a sheet of paper, “What she said.”

“Girl, come take your girl _home_.”

“Working on it!” Beca grumbled, her own grumpy was pretty strong these days.

She was sure that the tailbone was the problem as she drove them home, Chloe couldn’t seem to sit still.

“Baby.” She started as they let themselves into Beca’s condo, “Babe - Chlo - babe - baby - Chloe -”

From the living room she heard a groan, “Nooooo, Beca - put your sex voice away.”

“What?” she cried, somewhere between offended and amused, “That is so _not_ my sex voice!”

“Yes, it iiiiiiisssss!” Chloe moaned.

“Dude, nu-uh!”

“Yes. It is. All sexy and flirty and whiney and awkward.”

She kicked off her shoes, stifling a yawn and started toward the living room where Chloe was stretching. “Awkward? Did you just say that me trying to be sexy was awkward?”

“No. But it’s endearing.”

“So, I’m awkward. And whiney. But it’s okay because it’s endearing and sexy? Really? Why do you sleep with me? Because that’s freaking awful.” Chloe shot her a look and Beca gasped, “Ow, dude!”

“I’m sorry!” Chloe immediately wailed, “That wasn’t fair. You have a very sexy sex voice. I promise. You _know_ I like it.”

“Whatever. What I was _going_ to say before all of my sexual confidence was destroyed is let’s do the thing.”

“No, baby,” Chloe tried to straighten and yelped. She pursed her lips and then purred, “You have a very sexy sex voice, I’m sorry.”

“Okay, now that is _your_ sex voice and if I don’t get to use mine, no matter how awkward or weird it is, then you don’t get to use yours.”

“Okay, deal. What thing?”

“The _thing_. Come on, it worked last time.”

“What thing?” Chloe cried, her foot stomping.

“Jesus dude. Come on.” She walked Chloe over to the couch, pushing lightly and as soon as she realized Chloe let out a long - kind of hot - groan.

“Oh god, yeeeees, yes please!”

“Um. Yeah. That, um, thing.”

She pushed Chloe over so her hands were resting on the seat of the couch, “Further.”

Chloe’s head hit the seat.

“Further.”

She bent so she was as folded in half as she could get, her arms stretched above her head on the couch seat, her feet spread, her behind nestled against Beca’s hips.

She debated making a joke but decided, yeah, not the time. Instead she began to massage the small of her back, digging her fingers in as Chloe let out animal keening noises.

“Is she moving?”

Chloe’s curls thrashed as she nodded. “Oh god, Bec, so _good_.”

Well, she was just going to - ignore - all of this. She began singing ‘Tom’s Diner’ in her mind as she worked her thumbs, noooot going to let it get to me, nope, nope, singing a song, just singing a song, not thinking about how fucking perfect this position is - nope, nope.

It was funny because she knew that Chloe thought she was less attractive these days now that her belly had reached, well, let’s just say large but if it were up to Beca to make that vote - well - she crossed her toes and pointedly looked elsewhere.

“How do you feel?”

“Oh god, better. I can’t breathe, but I don’t even care.”

They fell silent and Beca tried not to think about it, she tried but she was fucking human and she just - couldn’t help it.

Not - the freaking moment - to objectify your girlfriend, dude.

She bit her lip, looking everywhere but at the woman bent in front of her as she dug her thumbs in.

Chloe shifted a bit, pressing a little harder into Beca.

“Um. Hey Chlo.”

“Yeah, Bec?”

And Beca rolled her eyes because she could hear all of Chloe’s usual teasing vampiness in that. “Um. Don’t do that.” She pointedly finished.

Chloe let out a long tittering laugh, “What’s wrong, Becs?”

Her hands clasped purposefully on either side of Chloe’s hips, squeezing until she heard Chloe gasp.

“You’re feeling better? Huh?”

“Shut up.”

Beca threw back her head and laughed.

 

Chloe was taking a nap on the couch when her phone went off.

“Shit!” Beca growled, not really wanting it to wake Chloe but fuck, where was it? La Roux was going to turn her girlfriend into a grumpy bitch if she wasn’t careful. Crap. She had given her a long massage and it seemed to have helped, but now she needed sleep!

“I got it,” Chloe yawned, fluffing her hair as she reached.

“Crap. Sorry, I was trying to let you sleep.”

“I know. I’m okay. Thanks. You should have taken a nap too.”

Beca shrugged, not wanting to admit that she had sat down at the kitchen bar with her computer and had passed out entirely, only waking up in a swamp of drool when Chloe’s phone had started to go off.

“Hello?”

Well. Now that she was up from her unwilling nap she should probably be productive.

She opened the fridge, glancing through it and utterly unexcited about all of the dinner possibilities.

“Bec!”

She jumped, heart instantly in her throat but before she could round the corner Chloe was there, breathing a little hard.

Whatever it was it must be good, Chloe had just pulled herself off the couch. That or it had been a wonder nap that could produce miracles. Either way she would take it! Chloe’s eyes sparkled as she bit her lip, “It’s official.”

“What? Um, what’s official?” She asked, casually opening cupboards she knew also wouldn’t have anything she wanted.

“The divorce.”

“ _What?_ ”

“I’m officially a _Beale_ again,” Chloe grinned, swaying a bit in her excitement.

“You’re officially divorced?”

“Yup. I knew it was coming, but I just didn’t know when. I thought maybe -”

“Dude!” God, she had been waiting for this for a fucking long ass time...like...since before Chloe was even married. “Dude!”

Chloe grinned pushing a bit of hair out of Beca’s face before she hooked her by the back of the neck, just holding her in place as Beca grinned.

“How does it feel?” She wished, okay more than wished, that it meant that Nick would be out of their lives but she knew that wasn’t going to happen. He had kind of fluttered into the background for now, busy with Jenny and Beca was all about that. Still she worried - what he had said - _‘she has time. We will talk again closer to her due date’,_ she had never talked to Chloe about that. It just hadn’t seemed necessary but she still worried that her intended to make good on that. She worried that Chloe won the battle by getting the divorce but the war was still yet to come.

She didn’t know. But she supposed she would worry about that more if/when the time came.

Right now, she would just let herself be happy. She was psyched. Chloe was all hers now.

“Good. Honestly at this point it feels good.”

“Yeah?” Beca grinned, pulling her in and giving her a resounding kiss.

“Yeah, it does.”

“So uh,” she smirked, “you wanna do something that pregnant married ladies shouldn’t do with their female best friend?”

“See. That _is_ your sex voice.” Chloe bit her lip, smoldering at her as her eyes flicked down to Beca’s lips.

Man, she loved it when she did that.

Beca’s mouth popped open and closed, sputtering before she turned on her heels, ready to stomp away.

“Hey!” Chloe’s hand around her neck kept her in place easily, “What did you have in mind exactly?”

“I dunno,” Beca gave a shrug, “But whatever we do my awkward sex voice is going to come with us so, sorry about that I guess,” Beca shrugged, her voice that annoyed dry monotone that had gotten her into trouble so many times.

Chloe grinned and caught her top lip, giving it a light suck, “I like your sex voice.”

Beca shivered, she liked Chloe’s sex voice as well. “I’m sure we can figure out something.”

 

They made their way quickly upstairs, Beca teasing and swatting at Chloe as they went.

Honestly, she loved this about them, their playful side that proved they had been best friends for years before they had become, well, this - and hoped it never changed.

“Beca? I-” Chloe turned as they entered Beca’s bedroom, her lips twisting into a nervous line, her hands wringing ever so slightly. Maybe Beca was a little over eager because she caught her before she could finish, pulling her in and forcing a very satisfying sound from Chloe with her lips. “Bec,” Chloe pulled out of the kiss with effort, “Beca.”

“What’s wrong? Oh, I’m sorry, did you not -” her hands came off of Chloe’s hips fast.

“No, no,” Chloe shook her head to the side and just to be sure she was clear she put Beca’s hands back to her hips, “It’s just that, I’m - I - I’m so big - I-you don’t have to, really, I won’t be upset - I-”

Understanding, Beca ignored her, pulling off her shirt and bra with the speed of a teenage boy and palming her breasts. Chloe cried out, scrambling onto the bed with Beca on her heels, her mouth connecting with every part of Chloe.

“This can’t be - oh god, this can’t be _sexy_.”

Beca sat up, biting her lip as she unhooked Chloe’s jeans and started to pull them down her legs, “Don’t tell me what I think is sexy.”

“Beeeeec!” Chloe whined, writhing on the bed in frustration.

“Nope.”

“Beca!” Chloe barked, her cheeks flushed.

“Okay! Okay, okay.” Beca flopped down beside her. This had been a thing recently. Chloe had always been self-conscious about her body, pretty much always, this was nothing new. Beca had never understood it because Chloe had a body straight outta Weird Science but it was her thing; everyone had a thing. Recently however she had begun to feel, well, really self-conscious, which was ironic because she could tell that while Chloe was embarrassed, she also had the libido she had always had - if not more. It was almost amusing to watch the struggle between either side. “Chlo. Here’s the thing.”

Chloe chewed her lip, her eyelashes fluttering uncertainly.

“I think you’re sexy.”

“But ho-”

She shut her up by kissing her.

“Beca, come on, I,”

She had to swallow back her own blush as she admitted, “I think you’re really sexy.” She let her hands trail down Chloe’s side and over her hip, so she could run her finger up and down the inside of Chloe’s thigh, over and over again, enjoying the way that Chloe’s breath caught as she did it. “Like - really freaking sexy. You always have been and you always will be.” She ran her fingers up, just missing Chloe’s center and over her stomach, pleased that the distraction meant that Chloe didn’t see that she was ready to hide her face and run. She didn’t like saying this stuff, she knew that Chloe needed to hear it, but it was freaking embarrassing to say. “This,” she ran a finger over Chloe’s belly button, “doesn’t change that. If anything it makes you sexier.” She let her fingers drop, tickling through fiery curls and down her thigh again. Chloe’s hands had closed on her arms as she watched Beca’s face for a sign of a lie; she let out a disappointed whimper when Beca went back to drawing shapes on her inner thigh. “You are _literally_ the thing of my own personal fantasy, so, um,” she gave Chloe’s inner thigh a little pinch, making her jump and yelp, “stop it. And err, okay, I’m gonna stop talking now. Can we go back to kissing?”

Chloe nodded, her look darker, her mouth slightly open and Beca knew she had won this fight for now.

She closed the distance between them, kissing her slowly, purposefully working her way through every trick she knew that Chloe loved, sucking on her lips, sucking on her tongue, biting, teasing, rolling, everything she could until Chloe was a shivering mess, all the while her fingers were tracing up and down Chloe’s thigh, coming close to where Chloe wanted to be touched, only to drift away again. Watching Chloe react made her smile, watching her mouth fall open, seeing her eyes close, feeling the impatient thrust of her hips, the way that Chloe’s fingers opened and closed on her arms as she skimmed back and forth beside Chloe but ever directly against.

“You look - _uhh_ \- so smug - _ooh_ \- right now.”

“That’s because I am.”

“You know, pretty soon here you’re going to have the tables turned on you. I don’t think you’ll like it much.” Chloe’s eyebrow came up in a challenge and Beca just scoffed.

“You know, for the first time since I met you, I don’t know if I believe that you could take me. I think I might actually win this fight.”

“You wanna bet - _oh god!_ ”

Beca had finally connected, pressing for just a moment, her eyes rolling as she felt just how wet Chloe could be. “Fuck Chlo.”

“What?” Chloe cried, worried but Beca didn’t answer.

She had wanted to tease a little longer but having touched her once, she wanted to do it again. She ran her fingertips over her once, chewing on her own bottom lip as she watched her girlfriend’s beautiful face go slack and then tense as Beca pressed.

“Oh god, oh god, ye,” Chloe’s head came off the bed, searching for her and Beca met her, sliding twice just to enjoy the feeling of it before she bit her lip and started to kiss down her body. She didn’t move her fingers and Chloe was frozen, her back slightly arched, whimpering.

“Oh god! Oh-ohshit!” Chloe cried out as Beca’s mouth found her, fingers twisting and pulling. “Bec- fuck.”

God, nothing gave her as bigger confidence boost than this, nothing made her feel better than being able to move her tongue, to simply let it flick and hear a sound like that one. God, it was fucking awesome. So fucking addicting. How had she ever thought she was straight?

She moved slowly at first, her tongue and her fingers working together but soon she was picking up her pace to match the canter of Chloe’s hips and the pressure she could feel from their interlocked free hand.

“Fuck. Yeah, yea, Bec, shit, crap, no,no,no!”

Beca stopped, frowning, “No?”

It took Chloe a second to speak, pushing her hair out of her face, “Too fast. Happening too fast, I want- Beeeeec!” Chloe cried when Beca’s lips connected with her again, pointedly sucking and earning her a high cry from Chloe as well as a slap to the arm.

“Chlo!” Beca growled, really not wanting to stop, understanding that Chloe was upset because she wanted to touch her as well, but really, she was really kind of preoccupied at the moment. “Gimmie like five -”

“Nooo!”

“Dude, are you whining right now? Like - really - right now? ‘Cause, I mean, if you’re unhappy, I can always stop.”

“Ugh, don’t tease.”

“And yet you’re whining. Right now. At this moment. Now.”

She didn’t have to see Chloe to know she was biting her lip a little guiltily.

“Maybe. Come on, Bec, I want to touch you too.”

Sighing Beca climbed back up her body so she could kiss her, making Chloe moan at the taste on her tongue, “How?” It was true that this was - let’s say - a little more complicated these days.

Chloe connected their lips again, kissing her for all she was worth and pulling on her thigh. “Come here.” She gave her a saucy wink and it took Beca’s sex drenched brain a little too long to understand.

“Oooh!” She cried when she did, “Oh, uh, oh god, yeah, okay.”

This was something that they had only done once and she was _all_ about trying it again.

Trying not to be slightly embarrassed about the vulnerable position Beca let Chloe wrap Beca’s thighs around her shoulders, twisting so they were on their sides as Chloe did the same.

“Jesus!” Beca cried, all but seeing stars as Chloe’s tongue connected, instantly pushing and feeling. “Fuck!” She took a second to press her face into Chloe’s warm thigh, slightly dizzy and then remembered that she had work to do. Forcing her eyes open she leaned forward and, “shit,” she was met with a face full of belly and then open air. “Uuuuuuh, crap.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Errr-” she _so_ wasn’t going to tell her that she literally couldn’t reach, like straight up straight up could not reach. She craned her neck this way and that, pulling and pushing Chloe’s thighs but there was simply too much belly.

It didn’t help that she couldn’t seem to get her brain to work, not with the way that Chloe was touching her as though she were in a personal race with herself, trying to beat her best time yet, from 0 to orgasm in .2 seconds.

Ha, Chloe probably _did_ know her best time. That would so be Chloe.

Shit. “Chlo - Chlo - you gotta ease up there a little bit. Fuck.” Chloe gave an ornery and yet particularly delicious suck and Beca turned her head to the thigh under her instead, purpling the skin.

Think, Bec, think. Come on.

She could feel that her fingertips were pushing hard into Chloe’s shins so she blinked a few times, hoping that she could get away with this, and reached.

Chloe gasped, pausing for a second as she whined.

Beca bit down on her thigh again, knowing what Chloe was asking for.

Craaaaap. This - this shit was going to get her into trouble and she knew it. She pushed, reaching with her neck until she felt a small pull in her neck and yelped.

Ow,ow,ow,ow,shit!

She did her best to be as convincing as she could with her fingers, moving in and out with a rhythm that Beca swore she could feel in her own body.

She shifted a little, hoping it would help but Chloe held onto her hips tightly, not letting her budge.

If she - could just - freaking - get her own boobs out of the way! “Chlooo, slow - slow down,” she was having a hard time not just giving up and rolling into the feeling that Chloe was creating.

“Bec,” Chlo whined again, doing something with her mouth that sent Beca a clear message.

“Fuck!”

Maybe if she just came. She would be the dick who just kind of came when she wasn’t supposed to but at least then she could change positions without hurting her feelings. Beca’s this was going to kill her. She was going to die and then she was going to kill Beca. Maybe if _one_ of them just came really quickly then she wouldn’t have to explain. She pressed her thumb and Chloe shook.

“Oh god, Bec, Bec!’ Beca bit her lip, doubling down, “Fuck! Not yet, not - fuck - I - I -” and then it all stopped.

Chloe’s mouth disappeared, her hand catching Beca’s arm in a vise for it stilled too.

Shiiiiiiiiiit.

There was a moment of silence wherein Beca just held her breath and winced, hoping beyond hope that she wasn’t totally busted.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

She was so screwed.

Fuck.

“You can’t reach, can you?” Chloe’s voice was like midnight and it made Beca squint, ready for lightning.

“Uuuuum,” Beca pressed her forehead into Chloe’s thigh, biting her lip.

“You can’t fucking reach because of my huge, huge baby belly!” Chloe’s shrieked.

“Wait, wait, wait, Chlo, but it isn’t that big of a deal, look!” She knew she had about a second before it was going to go very, very badly so she scooted and bit and placed a soft kiss against her hood. “See. No biggie.”

“Yeah well, now _I_ can’t reach.” There was absolutely no humor in Chloe’s voice.

“It’s not that big of a deal, Chlo, really.”

“Oh my god, Beca!”

Beca flinched, fairly sure she was about to get called an asshole. “Wait, wait, hold on, before you get upset, let’s just get kind of inventive. It’s no biggie, really!”

“Beca…” Chloe voice was like the sound of an air raid siren before an A-Bomb drop.

“Just - can you - just - come here.” She rolled onto her back, trying to pull Chloe with her but the woman would not do it. “Chlo! Come oooooon. Chloe! Dude!”

“Fine!” In her agitation Chloe rolled a little too fast, her belly impaling Beca’s and though she would have paid a million bucks to have it not happen a sharp, “ _huuughck_ ,” was pushed from her lungs.

Chloe was gone in a second, not only off of her body but off of the bed. “Oh my god! Oh my god!” Chloe wailed, her hand flailing.

“Chlo!” God, she wanted to laugh as she popped up, her hands going out to hopefully stop the freak out. This wasn’t a big deal, at least not to Beca, she wanted to laugh but knew if she did then she would _never_ see Chloe naked again. “Baby, really, it’s tempo-” she rolled over and saw with a shock that Chloe’s face was tear stained, “Heeeey! Shit! No, don’t do that! Shit! Come here.” She jumped to her feet, trying to pull Chloe into her arms but Chloe pushed away, muttering that she was going to get into the shower.

Beca flopped on the bed, a little lost for words. Okay so yeah, she had expected Chloe to be a little upset, but she hadn’t expected it to bring Chloe to tears! What the hell? She got that it wasn’t totally about Beca, she got that part of it was how Chloe felt as a - she didn’t know - as a woman, maybe? She just - how many ways could she tell Chloe that she didn’t mind? That she didn’t find her less attractive because she was pregnant. She rubbed at the sore spot in her neck and swallowed back a laugh.

Had she really pulled a muscle trying to go down on her pregnant girlfriend? Oh my god. That was so her luck.

She had just started to give in to the laughter, because, okay, it was kind of funny, when she heard a hiccup from the bathroom.

Fuck, Chloe was _crying!_

She was really crying about this.

Yeah, she cried about everything right now, but she wasn’t going to let her cry about this. The strained muscle was funny. Chloe’s tears were not.

Her lips pressed together. No. There was _no_ way that she was going to just let this slide. None. Chloe needed to know. She could hear her crying in the shower for fuck sake. Totally not okay.

Determined, and knowing that she might be about to lose a limb, she marched into the bathroom.

“Damn it, Beca!” Chloe growled, her head hanging under the flow of the water, “Just, can you please just give me some space.”

She shook her head, stepping in behind her, “No! You need someone to wash your back.”

“What I need,” She gasped out a cry, ‘is I need someone to give me my body back.”

“Chlo.” She wrapped her arms around the crying woman, holding her insistently, “I think you are hot. Right now. Well. Maybe minus the tears since that would make me kind of perverted but overall. You are fucking hot. How many times do I need to say that, dude?”

“Aren’t you kind of a pervert for thinking I’m hot like this anyway?”

“What? For thinking my girlfriend is hot? No. Maybe. No?”

Chloe let out a shaky laugh.

“I pretty much refuse to believe that anyone wouldn’t find you attractive.” She hooked her chin over Chloe’s shoulder and reached for the soap, lathering it up and beginning to softly run her hands up and down Chloe’s sides. “I mean, seriously. Have you seen you?” She muttered, knowing that the timbre of her voice was giving her intent away and hoping Chloe was cool with it. “And you _will_ get back the body you feel comfortable in.” She began to pepper kisses over her shoulder, “You’ve just been hijacked for a little while.” She ran her hands up and down, pausing every now and then on the spots that made Chloe squirm, her fingers tickling her ribs, squeezing her hips. Trailing her nose back and forth along the curve of her shoulder, she ran her soap covered hands over her belly.

“Bec,” Chloe said hesitantly but Beca buried her teeth in the crook of her neck and Chloe’s head dropped back, a loud whimper erupting from her.

How Chloe couldn’t think she was hot - fuck - Beca had no idea. All she was doing was soaping the PG-13 parts of Chloe’s body and yet she could feel her breath catching, she could feel herself growing damp. It was - kind of ridiculous.

“Put it this way.”

Ugh, normally she tried to hide the arousal she felt when her hands were on Chloe’s body, or at least she tried to hide how embarrassingly fast she could go from zero to fifty, but this time she let her lips rest against the shell of Chloe’s ear so she could hear the way her breath hitched when her hands closed on her hips, pressing her tighter against herself before moving around and taking two handfuls of her ass. Beca gasped, her mouth dry and yet watering for her skin and Chloe’s hands shot out, steadying herself on either side of the shower, her face so comically Chloe, mixed amusement, sarcasm and bubbly delight. “If it were me that was super pregnant, would you think that I was less hot?”

Chloe answered so fast that Beca knew she hadn’t realized the trap that Beca had set, “What? No! You would still be you.! Oh.” Chloe frowned, “Yeah, I think I understand your point.”

“I think-” Beca mumbled against her ear, lathering her hands and running them up over Chloe’s breasts, sliding easily over and back, “you’re so freaking hot - like - hot, hot. Like - I can’t even -” Chloe’s breath rushed from her body fast, making her whole frame shake as Beca’s hands continued their trail, up over her sensitive nipples, down, squeeze, over and over again until Chloe’s head was thrown back, over her shoulder, gasping and moaning into the steam of the shower as she desperately pressed into Beca’s palms. “You - you make me so - so fucking -” Damn it, Bec! Just say it! She needs to freaking hear it! But she lost her nerve. Dirty talk, even in this context had always embarrassed her. She didn’t need to finish though, Chloe understood. Beca’s mouth closed on the top of her shoulder, sucking the skin into her mouth, biting it, running her tongue over it. It released with a pop as Chloe reached behind her, reached and purposefully slipped her fingers through exactly what touching Chloe’s body did to Beca.

Her breath caught so hard that Chloe’s touch paused and then continued on, exploring, encouraged when Beca let out a far higher, far lighter whimper than normal.

“ _Beeec_.” Chloe moaned in admiration.

“What is it we say?” Her head had dropped, pressing as her mouth hung open, pretty much ready to give anything she needed to just to keep that touch going.

“ _It’s what I do to you._ ”

Beca nodded, following Chloe’s pushing fingers.

“Oh god, Bec.”

Beca just hummed, her hands still following their trail, dropping and closing like a vise around Chloe’s ribs when the sensation got to be too much for her brain.

“Oh god, Bec. Ugh, I love you.”

Beca wrapped an arm around her chest, giving her a small squeeze, “Love you,” and then she pushed.

Chloe hissed as her body touched the cold tile of the shower wall but Beca didn’t relent, her hands running down her body, pressing and squeezing as her hips as tongue worked across her back, pulling all manner of sounds from her. She slid down her spine, her teeth following every twitch of the muscle, every shudder until she was on her knees, placing kisses, sucking lightly on her tailbone.

Chloe moaned against the tile, a hand coming down to cover Beca’s on her hip.

Beca had spent quite a while in the past months quite literally worshiping this ass, running her tongue over every inch of it, biting it until it bruised. Feather light, she ran her tongue from the top to the bottom of a round cheek, so light that Chloe could barely feel it, making her shake, her hand convulsing over Beca’s.

She let her tongue drift then, reaching down and tickling the top of her thigh, her lips closing on the curve there, sucking until that leg began to twitch.

“Beca.”

She heard her name bounce off of the wall that Chloe was pressed against and she let out a hiccup of a moan.

Jesus.

“Bec, please.”

She could hear each gasp, everything amplified in the small space, so she ran her fingers over her, cupping her from behind, feeling her own body tense and rise as Chloe let out a long moan and pressed. She thought she was going to like this position, she thought she was going to like the way their sounds bounced back at them. She let her fingers sway back and forth, running almost casually over her sex, feeling Chloe tense, relax, tense and relax as her fingertips pressed against her hood, only to skitter back.

“Beca, _please!_ ”

Carefully her tongue licked long and flat over her tailbone as she slid in, first one and then a second and as an afterthought a third. The sound released from the beautiful woman in her hand was guttural, animalistic and Beca found that she didn’t want to be slow, she didn’t want to be sweet. She had already made her point one way and now she wanted to make it the other. She could feel a pressure in her own body, an undeniable need. So, she retracted and pushed, hard, making the woman she loved keen. She did it again and again until they picked up a rhythm, droplets of water falling from Chloe’s hair onto Beca’s forehead and nose.

Chloe didn’t try to move, she just held on, her face against the tile, her mouth open, puffing steam across the cold tile like a dragon.

“Fuck.” Beca moaned, feeling the way that Chloe’s muscles pulled, her teeth closing on the curve of thigh and ass. She twisted, turning her fingers so they were palm out, pressing, curling, her other fingers pressing circles into her, working in tandem.

“Oh my _god_ , Bec,Bec,fuck, Bec!”

Her tongue slid frantically, tasting every part of her she could reach, sucking on her hip, biting her thigh, always coming back to that spot where back just began to curve into ass, knowing that she would have a bruise there, something harsher and darker than a love bite and not really caring.

She needed to. She had to. She thought she might come even if she _didn’t_ touch herself. She wasn’t sure if the sounds that Chloe was making now were human and each was like a delicate press to her own center, like a loving caress that was driving her fucking crazy.

She pulled Chloe’s hand and pressed it into herself. Chloe understood, moaning out Beca’s name as Beca’s fingers curled in encouragement.

“Fuck, Chlo!” The first press of her own fingers against herself sent sparks through her whole body, her teeth clamping on Chloe’s back dimple to alleviate some of the pressure in her body. She moved faster, her hand beginning to cramp but she couldn’t find it in herself to care. Chloe’s legs were beginning to shake and she was not totally sure if the woman was going to be able to stay upright through this. “Fuck,fuck!” She leaned up on her knees, burying her face in the small of Chloe’s back, her body rocking with the force she was using on both of them.

“Are you - _oh_ god, are you touching yourself?” Chloe reached around with her free hand, her hand balling into Beca’s hair, holding her against her back. “Tell me!”

Beca just nodded, her eyes closed, her teeth closing on Chloe’s side.

“D-damn,” Chloe gasped in wonder as Beca’s touch gave a particularly avid twist and curl, “ _oh_ , oh. Ohwow,ohgod,Be,” Chloe’s fingers scratched across Beca’s scalp as a wail echoed off the walls, though who it had come from Beca didn’t know.

“ _Fuck_ , Chloe, you’re - you’re going to make me - fuck!” Beca pressed and she fell into orgasm, crying out into the skin of Chloe’s back, moving within her sloppily but insistently. Stars shot across her eyesight as her eyes rolled back, her whole body shaking.

Just as her orgasm was beginning its descent, just as it was curving into a finish she felt everything inside of Chloe lock, going utterly still as she chanted Beca’s name, her fingers working beside Beca’s in a frenzy. Beca felt her fingers hook and there was a flood of warm and wet release into her palm as Chloe climaxed, down her wrist and arm and all at once, Beca was coming again, coming as she felt Chloe’s orgasm finally release her as she felt Chloe laughing, sobbing out relief.

 

* * *

 

**Early February 24th**

 

They were exhausted that night. _That_ had been fucking exhausting. Beca’s hands hurt, her knees were shot and her eyes hurt from all of the water that had gotten into them. Once Chloe had been able to help Beca to her feet they both had forced their way through the shower and then they had both spent the rest of the evening trying hard to stay awake else label themselves as old ladies. They hadn’t been very successful as they tried to simply last longer than the other all while their heads bobbed.

Therefore, Beca was a little less than enthusiastic when suddenly, out of the darkness and who fucking knew what time it was, Chloe was yelling at her.

“Beca! Stop it!”

Her head shot off the pillow with a yelp, “What? WhatIdo?” Her head was fucking heavy and so she dropped it again, moaning. “I was _sleeeeping_!” Even her heart, which had just been given a good scare, seemed to beat a little too heavily in her chest like it could barely manage it.

“Stop _kicking_ me!”

“What?” She glared up through one eye, annoyed to see that Chloe wasn’t even fully awake. _She_ still got to have her eyes closed. “I’m not kicking you!”

“Yes, you _are!_ ” Chloe moaned, rolling against her and giving her a small smack.

“No, I’m not! I haven’t even moved!”

“I can feel it! Stooop, please, I’m so tired!”

“Oh my god!” Beca grumbled, pushing back mostly because she was fucking tired too. “That’s not me! That’s Legacy!”

“What?” Chloe grumbled, straining to pull her eyes open. Beca considered very seriously dumping her off the bed. That was probably bad though. Like, maybe that was rude.

“That’s _Willa!_ ”

Chloe let out a half whimper, a half sob, “This is why I don’t stay over anymore!”

“What? You’ve been here like every night, ughmygod, Chlo, what are you _talking_ about? Go to sleep!”

“This is your fault!” Chloe wailed, pulling her in closely as though she were her own personal teddy bear despite the fact that she was also yelling at her.

“She could kick you at home too, Chlo!”

“Nu-uh, she likes the way you snore.”

“Ohmygod, go - to - sleep!”

“‘Kay.”

Beca was just drifting back off when Chloe groaned, “Bec! Stooop!”

“Oh my god! I hate you a little bit right now.” She shoved her off, feeling her way she so she didn’t have to open her eyes and face planted in the downward curve of her belly.

She had no idea what she was singing, she didn’t even know if it was a song. She barely registered that she had landed with her upper lip pulled up over her teeth. She just wanted _both_ of them to go to sleep.

Chloe let out a purr and before she knew it they were all asleep in their awkward positions, snoring in tandem.

 

* * *

 

**March 3rd**

 

“But like really, though. How? How is it freaking possible to be that fucking pregnant and _still_ twerk better than me? This isn’t fair.”

Chloe let out a laugh, moving across the kitchen, “You can drop it low better than I can, though.”

“Hmmm. Though, I don’t know, maybe not. Maybe you should show me again.” She said it as casually as she possibly could, hoping that Chloe wouldn’t notice her blatant attempt to get Chloe to drop it low for her. She wasn’t so great at it, but Beca had always really loved watching her try. It was like the only dance move she didn’t do well.

She did totally catch her, of course, and laughed, “I’m pretty sure, Beca, that if I drop it low right now then I’m going to stay low. Possibly forever.”

Beca laughed and because she was so fucking cute gave her a kiss on the cheek.

“Awe, thanks,” Chloe grinned, shaking her booty as she went.

“Can I uh, see some of that dancing from that one morning?”

“That one morning?” Chloe half frowned, her top lip popping as she danced around her.

“Yeah, you know, that _one_.”

“Ooooooh.” Chloe almost blushed for a second, rolling her eyes as she laughed. She threw her arms out to the side, like she was directing some type of voodoo magic, paused, and then flung them the other way before suddenly bouncing around in that awkward way she had caught her many mornings ago.

Beca didn’t know when it happened but suddenly she was on the floor, holding her sides as she tried desperately to get some air.

Chloe rolled her eyes good-naturedly. “So.” She started when Beca finally regained control.

“So?” Beca asked, aftershocks of laughter still working their way through her like a good orgasm.

“I called Emily today.”

Beca froze.

Three weeks.

It had been three freaking weeks and nothing.

She rotated constantly between she was the worst friend in the world, she was trying to help and fuck it, she didn’t need friends anyway. “She uh, she pick up?”

“No.”

Beca nodded, thinking, not for the first time, just how much she missed smoking.

They had both been calling her but they were completely cut off. The only contact they had in the last weeks was the one time Benji picked up his phone for Chloe. He had thanked her, told her to tell Beca that he understood what she had tried to do but to let her know that it had only made things worse - and then had called Beca some colorful names - of which Chloe would not repeat - and hung up. Chloe had cried as though _she_ were the shit friend who had given up Emily’s secret.

“Look. Chlo. She’ll come around. I’m sure she will.”

Chloe’s clear blue eyes turned on her and she was sure that neither of them really knew if that was true.

 

‘****’

 

**March 6th**

 

Chloe didn’t get it! Damn it, she didn’t get it! _Why_ wasn’t the door unlocking? She was standing at her front door, it was supposed to unlock and the door _wasn’t unlocking_.

Big fat tears, as big and fat as she felt, splashed down her cheeks and onto her dress. She was so drained. She was so tired and she was so, so frustrated. She hadn’t known that a person could feel this tired. She would have thought this level of exhaustion was impossible. She had moved past worry that she was _too_ tired, she had moved past seeing spots and was onto everything seemed distant and a second behind real time - everything lined with a soft white; her brain barely able to process it all.

She could barely fucking think and she had to pee. She had to pee so bad.

She tried again and only cried the harder when the door still did not open.

“Damn it!” She had meant to yell but it came out like a mournful wail instead.

Oh god, she needed to sit down, she needed to sit down so badly, everything hurt, her back, her legs, her head - and she had to pee - and she was so tired - and the door wouldn’t unlock!

Maybe the door just hated her. Maybe should sit down here and take a nap. It was kind of warm out, she could just sit down and sleep.

Except she had to pee and Beca was on her way for dinner and she wouldn’t have dinner ready and she was so tired and she had to pee and they just needed some sleep she needed some sleep she was so tired and her back hurt and why won’t the door _open_? She let out a wail and tried again.

“Damn it!”

She clicked the button but still it wouldn’t open.

Oh god, if this stupid, ugly, dumb door didn’t open soon she wasn’t going to make it to the bathroom. She had to go, and she had to go _now!_ Oh god!

She sniffed, her forehead hitting the door that hated her so much.

_Why_ did it hate her?

She had never done _anything_ to it!

Why?

“Chlo?”

She just let out another sob in response.

“Chloe? Shit, what’s wrong?” Beca cried, trying to run up to her and nearly tripping over her feet.

They weren’t sleeping.

Neither of them.

The fact that they were handling it this well was commendable.

“Why won’t the door open?” She tried again, ready to break the door apart with her bare hands. Or maybe just cry at it until it took pity on her and let her into her apartment.

“What?” Beca’s frantic face looked to hers, the door and the keys in her hand, “Chlo! You’re trying to use the car remote to open your front door!”

“What?” That didn’t make _any_ sense. Why would she do that? She frowned as she watched the thumbnail that she was sure was hers - it was painted with her white/rainbow speckled nail polish -  press down on the unlock button, only now hearing the beeping of her car behind her. She watched her thumb do it again, her lip trembling before she exploded, bawling, “Oh my god, I’m _so_ pregnant!”

“Are you wearing two different types of shoes?”

Oh god, she was! She was wearing a Tom and a Ked. Had it been that way all day? It couldn’t have been right? Not all day? She wanted to laugh but instead she just cried harder. Had she really been wearing two different shoes all day? Why hadn’t anyone _told_ her?

Like magic the door swung open for Beca and that only made it worse.

“Why does it open for yooooouuu? I’m the one that pays its reeeent! I feed it my hard-earned money! It’s such a diiiick!” She smacked the door with her palm, hissing when it stung.

Chloe teetered her way to the bathroom, knowing she would be back in a matter of minutes.

“What?” Beca jumped to her feet when she entered. Her head had been hanging back on her neck, her mouth open. “Oh god, Beca, you’re so tiiiired!” Tears sprung again, “You need to go hoooome tonight and get some sleep!”

“What? No way! Pssssh!” Spittle flew from Beca’s lips and she frowned, only mildly grossed out, “Ew.”

The problem was that the only position to sleep in that didn’t hurt now that Willa was dropping required Beca’s body. She had tried pillows, she had tried everything but nothing worked as well as when Beca sat up a little and Chloe could rest with her face in her throat, using Beca’s thigh to support her belly, while also keeping Willa off of her tailbone and other vital organs.

That was the position she crawled into now, already needing to pee again.

She opened her mouth the moment she felt some relief in her back, she meant to ask about Beca’s day but instead all that came out was a snore.

 

* * *

 

**March 10th**

 

“Uh, huh,” she watched Beca laugh and respond as though that kick they had both felt was an answer and not a simple movement, “And maybe,” her girlfriend said to her belly, “you’ll be the first female president. I know, I know, lame, politics but maybe.”

Chloe laughed as another kick followed.

“Alright, alright, what about a rock star? Hmm? If you have a voice like your mom’s then I bet you could.” Beca waited, her head cocked to the side as though she were listening.

They were lying together across Chloe’s bed, both naked after a shared shower, wet hair forgotten as Beca talked to the little girl.

Chloe bit her lip, swallowing her smile as Beca giggled, her nose all scrunched, the warmth in her chest enough to survive through the deadliest of winters.

“Okay, so rock star it is. You can come in and I’ll be your producer and we’ll be this awesome aca-team. That’s right.” Beca’s voice cracked as it rose into a high falsetto. Suddenly she blinked, seeming to realize what she was doing. Her blush started at her cheeks and quickly spread everywhere as she rolled her eyes and flopped face first into the bed, “Oh my god. Just ignore me.”

“Can’t,” Chloe grinned and shook her head.

“Ohmy god, whatever. It’s cold!” Beca cried, ready to jump off of the bed and dry her hair - but she paused, making sure to kiss just under her belly button, her eyes flashing to her and back before she did.

 

* * *

 

**March 23rd**

She knew she was a terror, she _knew_ it.

God, she was trying, she really was, but she couldn’t seem to stop the wicked bitch from popping out of her mouth these days. Beca wasn’t much better but at least it wasn’t Beca’s fault.

No, no, it was totally Chloe’s fault for needing Beca to get any sleep at all - which meant that they as a couple didn’t exactly get a lot - if any. A few hours a night at best. The rest was spent peeing, trying to stay still so Beca could sleep even though she was uncomfortable, crying, or picking a fight because she felt awful.

She tried, but sitting, standing, lying down; it was all so uncomfortable, leading to a general Beca-in-her-freshman-year attitude.

This was all turning her into a psycho too.

She loved this baby. She loved this baby _so_ much. She loved her more than she loved singing or dancing or the Bellas or anything - but she wanted it to get the fuck out.

She had lost her mind three days ago. She had absolutely flipped her lid. She was lucky that Beca hadn’t left her.

A few days before - during a rare nap - Chloe had dreamt that Beca had slept with one of the teachers from work.

She knew it wasn’t real.

She knew that it wasn’t something that had _actually_ happened.

Still, she had been so upset and hormonal that Beca had needed to leave - to actually get in her car and _leave_ \- in order for them to move past it. She had known she was being ridiculous...even as she was yelling.

Then when Beca had come home hours later, looking like a timid rabbit Chloe had cried about how fat she was and how Beca wasn’t attracted to her anymore, how she was a horrible bitch monster. She had done it until Beca had pinned her down and had given her an orgasm so intense that she had barely been able to function for like an hour afterward.

She had made her point.

She knew Beca was getting tired of being told she wasn’t attracted to her anymore.

And the orgasm had been - not of this world.

But then she had cried because - well, she had kind of secretly been hoping it would make her water break but no luck; even after she insisted that Beca do it again. She had even stomped her foot when Beca hesitated for literally a second.

God.

Whatever happened, Beca deserved a big box of chocolates, a kitten and an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii after this.

 

* * *

 

**March 26th**

 

“Chloe? Hi. It’s uh, it’s Benji, um, Benjamin - Applebaum.”

“Benji, of course I know who you are!” Chloe cried. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

“I uh,”

She was clutching the phone a little too hard, her fingers shaking. She was terrified. She didn’t want to think about it, but Benji - Emily - they both had cut her - them out. They had cut them out so thoroughly that she had to assume that a phone call meant devastation. Oh god, what could it be? Please, nothing too serious. Nothing like - her mind skipped and tumbled back to the night she had arrived at the hospital, Emily’s sobs, Beca’s unconscious shape in the bed. “Benji is she okay? She isn’t - she isn’t - _hurt_ , is she?”

“No, oh god, no!”

“Oh god.” Chloe fell back into her teacher’s lounge chair, relief making her eyes prickle. “Thank god!”

“Chloe, she’s not good either. I need - I need your help. Hunny called her last week and, and - look, can you just come over? Um. I’ve been calling around. I tracked down Blake. We’re going to have an intervention.”

“Beca?” She knew she would go either way but she was going to have a few things to say if Beca was not requested as well; kind and loving things, but _things_.

“Yes. Please.”

“Okay, sweetie. I don’t get off of work until 2:30 but I’ll come right over after, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you. Oh, and Chloe.”

“What’s up?”

“Don’t be err surprised by how she looks. She took a little tumble down the outside stairs the night before last.”

“Oh my god!”

“Yeah.” He paused as though he wanted to say more but in the end just said, “I’ll see you this afternoon.”

It was clear that Emily hadn’t known they were coming. And it was clear that the fall had been a bad one.

Beca and Chloe walked in, hand in hand, both flinched when they saw her. She looked - oh god, she looked horrible. The injuries weren’t exactly bad, one eye was swollen and angry and she had a scrape on her chin; what got to Chloe was the slack and vacant look on her face. Her shirt was wrinkled as though it had been worn for too many days, her hair was a rats nest and though she was curled up in the arm of a chair. She looked like she could have been living on the street.

“What the hell happened, dude?”

Benji jumped when the tiny brunette turned on him, “She fell. I don’t know, she won’t tell me but when I found her she was just sitting on the steps bleeding. I think she fell down them.”

“Oh god, Emily.” Her heart was in her stomach. She didn’t like how familiar this felt.

“She’s been, um, refusing to move,” Benji explained in a whisper to Beca. “I told her that I was going to kick her out again yesterday morning. I’m going to send her to her mom for a while, or rather ask Katherine, of course, to come here. She hasn’t moved since. She won’t.”

“What the _fuck_ are you doing here?”

Chloe glanced at Beca and saw - she was crying; soundlessly, yes, but nevertheless. Angrily. She was clearly furious that she was upset, she kept swiping her hands over her eyes but it was still happening. She gave her hand a little squeeze but Beca pulled away, not wanting to be touched. A few months ago that would have hurt but now she understood, Beca felt like this was her fault.

Emily wasn’t looking at them; instead she was staring down at the carpet, seeming to wobble even though she was staying in one place. “Haven’t you ruined my life enough, Beca?”

Beca recoiled and angry, Chloe placed a hand on the small of her back, just for a second.

“No!” Beca shot back, “I haven’t! I’m here to fuck it up some more!” She sniffed, wiping again, “You ready? The life ruiner, that’s me! I told them because it was in your best interest, asshole, and I would do it again!”

Emily jumped up, coming flying at them.

“Hey!” Chloe barked, stepping in front of Beca. She understood that Emily was not herself, not even a little bit but she would not stand by and see someone she loved be hurt. Either of them. “Emily.” She didn’t know what her face was showing, she had no idea, but when she reached out and touched Emily’s arm the girl only hissed. “Emily, sweetie, you’re scaring me. I love you, come back to us. We can help. We love you so, so much! Please. We need you here. You’re our family.” She felt tears drop but she didn’t pay any attention to them. Yeah, she had been crying almost nonstop for weeks but right now was a time for tears. “You have to meet my daughter. You have to be in her life.” She pulled her hand to where she could feel Willa moving. “Emily, we all need you here.”

Emily’s mouth opened, a sliver of Emily - Flashlight - Legacy - the girl who was in pain - shone through and within it was pure and undiluted mortification and then she let out a loud moan, “Oh you’ve got to be kidding!” she screamed, turning and stomping back to the chair as though she were putting herself in time out.

Chloe glanced behind them and first met the deeper blue eyes of Beca and then saw the man who had picked Emily up from the condo so many months ago.

“Hey Emily.” Blake sighed, “I hear you haven’t been doing so good.”

“Eat shit,” Emily grumbled, pulling the words, stretching them long in a way that Chloe was sure she had heard somewhere before.

“God, it’s like the fucking Exorcist,” Beca muttered, her eyes huge as she stared at Emily. “You know who you sound like, Emily? You sound like Hunny.” Chloe had her arm out, holding back Beca who wasn’t really struggling to get by her as much as jabbing and poking an accusing finger at Emily before she buried her face in her back.

“Yeah,” Benji whispered, “She’s never been this -” he searched for words before landing on, “vulgar before. I think she’s just - I think she’s upset because she doesn’t want this. So she’s acting out.”

Emily glared but it was kind of like when the principal walks into the room, even the rowdiest children calm a little.

So Emily stopped yelling. But she also stopped speaking altogether. She refused to speak. For hours.

So everyone else talked.

They told her how much they loved her.

They told her how much they cared.

When that didn’t work, they yelled.

They told her she was going to die like this.

They told her she was going to lose everything.

When that didn’t work, they begged.

“Look, Emily, you don’t want to talk to us, fine. I’m not going to waste my time on you and that’s just a fact, buddy. If you want it, a different future is there. All you have to do is take it.” Blake had been very patient, not surprised by Emily’s childish silence, simply helping each of them to word what they needed to say and nodding with kind understanding as they spoke.

Still Emily remained silent.

“Fine. Fine!” Benji jumped up, ripping his phone out of his pocket like he was pulling a gun from its holster. “That’s it. I’m calling Kat. I’m calling your mom. I can’t do this anymore, buttercup. Maybe she can. Maybe she can get you into rehab.”

That seemed to break some type of spell.

“I don’t need rehab. I need, ugh, understanding.”

“Sweetie, is it possible that you need a little of both?”

Emily just stared at her, expressionless and utterly lost for words.

Benji had ducked away, the phone to his ear as he started out of the room. “Hello? Hey Kat, it’s Be-”

“You can’t.” Emily was like a banshee as she screeched, sprinting across the room and wracking her thigh smartly into the side of the table. Emily barely seemed to notice the instant bruise, only slowing when she had yanked Benji’s phone away and ended the call, “You can’t! She’ll - I - _I told her I wouldn’t do anything crazy_ \- I promised! She - she’ll worry.”

“Emily, she’s already worried!”

“Ya dude, it’s a bit late now.” Beca all but laughed.

“Emily,” Blake interrupted, sending Beca a glare, “let me ask you this. Are you happy?”

Emily stared at Blake, her face cracking, “No.”

“Do you trust me when I say that I can make it better?”

She twisted where she stood, “No.”

“Emily please, please try.” Chloe tried.

Blake just continued, “Can you have faith in me when I _say_ I can?”

Emily just stared some more.

“There’s a cabin up in the Hoopa territory, well I say a cabin, but it’s really more of a sweat lodge. I take people there sometimes, people who want to change their lives, make it better.”

Aka get sober, Chloe realized with a pang.

“It’s not easy work, Emily, not at all but we can go. I can take you there. I can help you change your path. But if we go then we have to go today, right now. And once you’re there no changing your mind, no backing out. You do the work you have to do until your visit is up. Then it’s in your hands and the hands,” he looked around them, “of your family.”

Emily’s mouth dropped open, her blinking slow and dumb through whatever liquor she had consumed today.

“Emily, please.”

“Dude.” Beca’s voice was shaking as she spoke, “You have to do this. You’re not safe. You’re literally a danger to yourself. Look at your face, look at your leg! It’s bleeding. Do you even feel that?”

Chloe exchanged a worried look, wanting more than anything to get up and to help, to clean her up, to find a solution, “We need you here, sweetie.”

Emily stood there, statue-like. “No.”

The word was like a mallet to the soul.

“I have -” Benji’s voice broke, “Emily.” Benji stared at her for a second, wary, his face ashen and hopeless, then he moved to the door, grabbing the jacket hanging there. For one horrible second Chloe thought he was going to leave. Emily must have too because she took a step toward him before she gave up and studied the floor. “Emily.” He didn’t leave. Instead he just fumbled through the pockets, his forehead suddenly sweaty. He was muttering to himself, something about the right time and the wrong time as he haltingly stepped forward.

Chloe gasped, her hand going to her mouth as Benji dropped to one knee, looking less like a knight and more like a boy at the foot of Santa Claus, worried he might not have been good this year.

“Emily.” He popped open the ring box, his Adam’s apple bobbing wildly, “Go. Please. Go and get better. And then come back and marry me. Please. I don’t know what else to do, pumpkin, I’ve been holding this for so long. I need you to get better. You can get better, I know it! Please. You have to work by yourself for just a little while and then I’ll be there, by your side, always.” He gave her a small grin, “We can spend next Christmas with your mom and we can even have a puppy and a kidlet or two. Emily? Please.”

The room was deadly silent and in that silence Chloe prayed. She could feel Beca beside her praying as well, in her own way. She prayed to the universe that her friend could find the strength, that she could be happy, that she could live a full life.

She didn’t know what else to do if this didn’t work. She was pretty sure they were out of options. What did they do? Did they just try and take care of her? Did they try and help her become a functioning alcoholic? Did they let her go?

Pain lanced across her insides and her vision blurred as she waited.

They stayed for a while after Emily and Blake left. They made him dinner, each promising one another that it would be okay, that Emily was strong, that she would make it.

 

* * *

 

**March 28th**

 

“No, dad, even if I wanted to I couldn’t, it’s too late! I can’t fly! I haven't been able to fly for weeks!” Damn it, why had she picked up her phone? Why had she bothered? She knew what it was going to be. She knew they wouldn’t listen! They didn’t even mean to not listen, they didn’t even understand that they weren’t listening.

“Well, then we are coming to you. It’s getting close and-”

“No!” Chloe bit her lip; she hadn’t meant to yell quite that loud. “I mean, no, I’m okay, really. I am. I’m not alone, I have Beca.”

“And that’s all well and good,” her mother’s voice interjected, “But you can’t expect a _friend_ to stay with you through all of this. See reason, Chloe. You need someone there with you to drive you and you need someone to help you after.”

“I am seeing reason!” She realized her fingernails were tearing through the cushion of the couch so she released; it took a lot of effort but she released them. She couldn’t yell at her parents, she knew that. It wouldn’t be right. But she was pretty sure that if her parents really did show up in a few days, planning on staying until long after this baby was born then she would lose it. She would rather poke herself in the eye with a pencil. She loved her parents, she loved them so much but - no, please no.

She should have lied and told them she was due a month later than she was.

Guilt bubbled through her at even having that thought.

Damn it. She was the real-life version of the grouch. Her mother wanted to be in the room for the labor - as did Nick - and Marcy - actually the only person that seemed to be freaked out by the idea of watching her deliver was Beca.

Which was fine, that was fine, that was so fine, because she was going to do it alone.

No Nick.

No Marcy.

No parents.

No Beca.

No.

Beca already saw her all super pregnant and crying all of the time - she was not going to see - that too.

She just wished that her external family would give her a little bit of a break, just some space. Nick was up her ass and constantly in a panic because Jenny was two weeks ahead of her and so over her due date and he was desperate not to miss either birth. She privately thought she had a better chance if he just agreed to Skype with her after and before and give up this inane idea of being there for both.

And her parents were calling her every day now, trying to make their point and she knew that soon her parents would get tired of her not seeing it their way and they would just show up.

No, it wouldn’t be the worst thing ever but she wanted - this was Willa’s _birth_. She wanted it to be magical. Sheryl, her midwife was wonderful, they had a wonderful room set up for her, it was all going to be wonderful.

If her parents would just _listen_ to her. If they would just buy a flexible ticket so they could come once she was in labor then they could be there right after. Which - still was not perfect but it was a compromise.

“Really pumpkin, you’re being unreasonable,” and her father laughed. He actually laughed like Chloe was just being childish. He had a story that he loved to tell at family gatherings about his little girl. It wasn’t a big event, one night after dinner four-year-old Chloe had informed her parents that her Susie doll needed a popsicle for dessert just like she was going to get. Her father had kindly told her no, that dolls didn’t need popsicles. Apparently baby Chloe had insisted, fighting and reasoning, being - in general - a four-year-old. He always laughed when he told this story like it was the funniest thing in the world, going on and on about her obstinance and how much it intrigued and tickled his psychologist’s mind.

He was laughing in the same way now and she hated it, just like she hated that story.

“Unreasonable? I’m being unreasonable for saying I know how I want my daughter’s birth to be?”

“Cupcake...”

But she had hung up. She felt a momentary flash of satisfaction. She had hung up on her father, on his smug voice. And it felt great! And then -

Oh god, she had hung up! She had never hung up on her parents before. Oh god, what was wrong with her? They were just trying to be there for her. They were just trying to make sure that she wasn’t alone.

She felt terrible and yet, she couldn’t quite get herself to call them back.

“Hellooo?” Beca called from the front door and Chloe sighed, relieved. At least Beca getting home meant she didn’t have to, not right now. She would call them, but later.

“Hi.” Chloe was glaring at a pillow across from her, her jaw set.

Beca froze, eyebrows high.

“Sorry, I just got off the phone with my parents.”

“Ah.” Beca started to move again, “Talk them out of it?”

Chloe frowned, worrying her lip, “I hung up on them.”

Beca did her best to wipe the surprise off of her face, “Hey, that’s okay though. They will understand. They will.”

Chloe laughed, not believe it but appreciating the effort. She sighed, massaging her belly.

God, she just wanted a vacation right now. She pressed her palms to her eyes, doing her best to swallow down all of her foul mood.

Beca sat with a thump at her feet, “Hey.”

“No.”

“Hey.”

“Nooo.”

She felt something soft brush against her feet and she yelped, jerking her feet away, “Oh god, you scared me.” But she couldn’t help but to laugh - a little - as she looked over and saw Beca giving her a comical pout, Roger the fox clutched in her hand just under her chin.

“What’s the matter, Chlo?” Beca spoke in a highly nasal voice, Roger’s voice apparently.

“Oh god!”

“Come on, Chlo, talk to Roger.” She danced him up her leg, tickling her hip.

Chloe’s lip shook, but she just, she didn’t feel like laughing, not really.

“Chloe.” Beca’s eyebrow went up but her pout became larger, “Chlooooooe. Would you feel better if I keep making an ass out of myself?” she asked in her Roger voice.

She bit her lip, her head falling back to the couch as she watched her girlfriend try and cheer her up, “Maybe.”

“Your parents are dicks, Chlo.” Beca crooned, bouncing Roger up and down her legs, settling him with a flop on her belly. “Yes, they are.” Her fingers pressed, making Roger’s head do something that looked a lot like nodding.

Her lip twitched.

“Oooh! I think I saw it!”

Chloe rolled her eyes, fighting back the laugh, “Stop it, that’s creepy.”

“Creepy?” Beca cried in her normal voice, “Did you just call mister fluffiness creepy?”

“No, I called _yoooou_ , creepy?”

“Me? No way. I’m adorable. You always say so.” Beca insisted dropping to her knees beside the couch and walking Rodger up her arm so he could cuddle into her neck.

Chloe laughed, “I guess you are.” It was silly and dumb but watch Beca embarrass herself just to make Chloe happy was warming her heart.

“You guess!” Beca cried, tossing Roger over her shoulder.

“Awe,” she pretended to pout, “Bye Roger.”

“Hey! Stick to the point, lady! _I_ am adorable. I’m so adorable it’s - it’s fucking _painful_.”

Chloe let out a laugh. “You are. You’re very adorable, Bec.” She traced a finger down the tip of Beca’s nose. It was true. She really was.

“Damn right. Don’t you forget it.”

“I’ll do my best.”

“Good.” Beca grinned, tickling her side, “Or there will be hell to pay.”

“Ooh,” Chloe’s eyebrows pulled together seriously, “Hell, huh? That’s a high price.”

“Exactly. So you better watch it, lady.” She flopped down on the couch at her feet and picked up her phone, scrolling through. Chloe sighed, her head falling back. She should call her parents now, not later. The longer she waited the worse she would feel.

“Noo! Hey!” Chloe cried when something lightly brushed the bottom of her foot.

“What? I’m not doing anything? I’m checking emails.” Beca’s round eyes were a little too round for her to believe her.

“Uh-huh! Hey!”

“What?” Beca grinned, giving up the charade and tickling her foot. Chloe screamed, trying to wrestle away but Beca just caught her, leaning down and pretending to bite her toes.

“You’re cheating! I can’t come after your scrawny little butt anymore.”

“Scrawny? Did you just call me _scrawny?_ ”

“Yup! I did!”

“Oh, you jerk!” Beca cried, tickling her so Chloe’s legs kicked as she screamed. “Take it back!”

“No!”

“Take it back!”

“Nooooo! Oh my god, no, I don’t want to laugh. It hurts, I don’t want to laugh.”

But Beca kept teasing, poking her, climbing up her body as she tickled her ribs, and kissing her face as Chloe squealed, “No, don’t make me laugh, don’t make me laugh!” She had also been having some _other_ problems as of late when she laughed lately and god, she didn’t want that to happen here on the couch.

“Becccccaaaaaa! Beca, stop!”

But Beca wasn’t paying attention, teasing her, tickling her hips, biting her thighs, teasing and teasing. It was amazing. Beca barely had to try and here she was laughing. She had been so mad a minute before. She had considered very seriously not more than ten minutes ago throwing her phone across the room and letting it shatter. Now she was laughing.

And laughing.

And laughing.

“Bec! Ohmygod, Bec!” she cried as Beca teasing bit down on her hipbone, making teasing gnawing noises as she did. “Beeeec! I’m going to smack you, I’m going to -”

There was a little pop.  A tiny almost-couldn’t-be-felt pop. And then everything was wet.

She froze, her mouth in a perfect O.

“Oh shit,” Beca frowned looking at her expression, “did I make you laugh until you peed again?”

She shook her head fast, “I don’t think that’s what just happened, Bec.” They both just stared at one another. “Oh my god.”

Beca’s eyes had fogged over in shock, suddenly they cleared and she yelled, “Wait, WHAT?”


	21. Chapter 21

 

Who was freaking out more? She had no idea. She had no freaking idea. How could she know something like that? How could she know _anything_ when the world was spinning like this? How was she even supposed to like, you know, _breathe?_ She wasn’t ready. How could it be time? It was too early. Wait except, her face screwed up as she realized, it wasn’t all of that early. Where had the time gone? Why hadn’t she noticed that it was here? Why hadn’t she noticed the date or that it was coming up fast? Like, she had known it but she also really hadn't fully processed that being near the due date meant being near baby time. She needed more sleep! Ooooooh gooooooood, she wasn’t ready! Holy freaking fuck, everything was about to change. What the fuck had she been thinking? She couldn’t think. Chloe was about to have a baby.

_A baby!_

Freaking out, freaking out - she _wasn’t_ freaking out! What would be the point of freaking out? Why the hell would she be freaking out? She wasn’t even going to be in the room! Chloe had refused and frankly Beca wasn’t going to fight her on that. Hell no-to –the-freaking-way. She had watched one freaking birthing video. _One_. Have you ever watched a birthing video? Why women put them up out there on YouTube, she didn’t understand because that shit had been kind of been the stuff of fucking nightmares. She had watched with her jaw on the floor and then had vowed that she would somehow keep Chloe from watching any of that shit. Which - that was dumb; Chloe had been watching birthing videos for years. She was the freak who thought they were beautiful and more than once she had found her crying as she watched a whole family band together to bring this new baby into the world.

She was weird.

But fuck!

She glanced around the room suddenly realizing that the only sound was the prattling on of her own mind.

How was Chloe so _fucking_ calm? This was not a moment to be calm! This was a moment to run around screaming because oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

She watched Chloe grimace as she pulled on her jeans and Beca jumped, “Are you in pain? Does it hurt? What can I do?” She had already asked this twice while Chloe was changing...plus once as they were walking into the bedroom...and twice while Chloe was still on the couch.

Chloe gave a little laugh and eye roll, “These jeans are hard to get into!” God damn it, it wasn’t even just that she was calm - she looked - happy - all radiantly glowing and crap. Beca just gaped at her. The redhead shook her head again at her with a small laugh and finished pulling on her jeans, another scowl on her face scowl darkening on her face.

“Oh my god, what? What can I do?” Beca fluttered around her like an anxious bumblebee.

“No, no, nothing. I just thought it was supposed to, you know, hurt _before_ your water broke?”

“Uhhh,” Beca frowned, she had no way of knowing that one. She didn’t know but this standing here, talking like it was totally just a normal day and nothing was happening was driving her a little nuts. “Chlo?”

“Hmm?” Chloe had slowed, standing idly, her look thoughtful.

“Uh, you uh, you don’t seem to know this but you’re having a _baby_. We should probably, like, um, go.”

“Right!” Chloe jumped, “Right.” She laughed, shaking her head at herself. “That’s right, I am. I’m ready.” And Chloe flashed her possibly the prettiest, most serene, happiest wink and smile that she had ever seen on Chloe’s face.

For a second Beca was struck dumb by the sheer magnitude of it and yet again she remembered in that strange flash - that things were going to be different now - that Chloe was going to be different now - and judging from the way that new smile on Chloe’s face made her feel - she was pretty sure she wasn’t going to mind. Then again, she probably wouldn’t mind any transition that Chloe would go through because it was Chloe. She could become a strange punk rocker arms dealer version of herself and Beca would pretty much just go along with it. “So - right. Let’s um, do this.”

She couldn’t seem to sit completely still once they were in the car. She was doing her absolute best not to crash and kill them all but her fingers drummed the center console and her free foot twitched as she checked the rearview mirror for - what - impending doom, maybe? - every three seconds or so.

“Okay,” Chloe clicked her tongue and grinned at her, “I texted Brey and Nick.”

“Awes-ooome,” Beca said with an overly large nod, a wink and a click of her tongue, all of which were just a bit askew, as though doing them together was a bad idea

“I also sent a text to Emily’s phone. I don’t know if she will get it but I thought I might as well. Just in case, right?” Chloe’s huge blue eyes blinked up at her uncertainly, a small unhappiness ringing the irises.

Beca nodded, giving her a side glance, “There’s no way it can be false labor, right? I mean, Sheryl warned us, that’s - that’s a thing that happens, right?”

“It does, but I’m pretty sure that my water breaking means it’s the real deal.”

“But like, weren’t we supposed to like run to the hospital a few times, thinking you’re having the baby only to find out it’s not real? Isn’t that how that is supposed to work? I mean, you always see that in the movies and TV and - stuff.” She glanced at Chloe again and saw that she wasn’t even trying to hide her amusement, or the openly teasing look on her face. “Right,” she said slowly.

“Bec. Calm down.”

“What do you mean?” Her head flicked around to Chloe, back to the road, around to Chloe and back, “I am calm. Oh my god, _why_ is there so much traffic?”

“Bec,” She hadn’t realized how tightly she was holding the steering wheel until Chloe peeled her hand away and the blood rushing back in sent pins and needles through the whole thing.

“Ow.”

“I’m okay,”

Her eyes slid over Chloe’s face, “I know you’re okay,” she said with a small pout.

“Bec. Baby. Look at me.” Paused at a red, Chloe forced her head around by her chin.

“I’m fine. Breathe. Breathe.”

“Okay. Okay, I’m good.” Beca took a moment to note that she was basically doing Chloe’s Lamaze breathing before the light changed. “Except how am I the one that’s freaking out right now? Like really. _You’re_ the one that’s about to shove a small human through your - through your -”

“Lady bits?”

“In like - no time at all dude! Like. We are on our way. To do that.”

Chloe shrugged, “I’ve been planning this for a while. I don’t know, but a little pain isn’t the worst thing in the world. Yeah, she’s going to come out of - there - and I’m not super happy about it but then we get to _meet_ her. Finally.”

Beca’s heart dropped through the floor and she sent Chloe a wild look; she hadn’t even thought of that. Baby time meant _baby time._

She was processing at a scary slow rate.

“Dude. What if she doesn’t like me?”

The look on her face must have been good because Chloe stared at her for a second, her lip snared between her teeth before she broke down and laughed, hiccupping and trying to stop it just in case it hurt Beca’s feelings - and failing entirely.

Beca just turned back to the road, chagrined.

“Hey look,” Beca cried maniacally when they pulled into the hospital lot, “we’re back.”

Chloe let out a snort, “It’s true, it’s been a whole two weeks since we were last here.” She let out a mocking gasp.

“I wonder if they are going to charge us rent.”

Chloe frowned, holding her belly.

“What does it hurt? Shit, is it bad? Fuck!” Beca cried, stomping on the breaks in the middle of the parking lot so her hands could flutter uselessly around Chloe.

“I was just thinking they basically are going to charge us rent since I’m going to come out of there with a baby bill.” Beca frowned and Chloe returned it, “It was supposed to be a joke, Bec! We’re lucky that no one was behind us.”

“Right. Okay. Fuck it, let’s valet - or - whatever that is. Do hospitals have valet? Like is it called something else? Or like-” she caught sight of Chloe’s face and bit down to shut herself up, “Let’s uh, do the thing. I don’t want to sit and look for a space.”

“I think that might be the best choice,” Chloe nodded soberly as Beca pulled in.

Beca took the ticket from the man behind the little podium thingy and she was off.

“Okay! Okay! Okay!” She was good. She ran through the doors, her mind ticking everything off, she had the hospital bag, she had the diaper bag, she had her phone, her wallet she had -

“Can I help you, miss?”

“Yeah, baby time. She’s uh, yeah, baby.”

“I’m sorry?” The nurse behind the desk blinked, looking at her thin frame doubtfully, “You’re having a baby?”

“No! Ha! Not me, She’s uh,” she glanced around, “Shit!” She had everything except one thing. She sprinted back the automatic doors, nearly plowing into one when it moved to slowly, “I’msorry,I’msorry,I’msorry.” She had run in so fast that Chloe hadn’t even been able to get fully out of the car yet. She had everything except the woman actually _in_ labor. Good job, Bec. Gold star for you. “Are you okay? I’m sorry.”

But Chloe was laughing, “Baby, you have like no chill right now.”

Beca scoffed.

Chloe just laughed as Beca wrapped her arm around her waist and this time they walked inside together.

“So how does this work?” Beca asked, chewing her lip, her fingers drumming on the counter as Chloe got situated in a wheelchair, something that Chloe didn’t seem all of that happy about. “Like, um, can I go back with her for a little while?” She felt more than saw Chloe glance up at her and though Beca refused to look her way, she wondered if Chloe knew that she was having a PTSD flashback of the last time she was there, of being banished to the waiting room. She bit her lip and kept her eyes on the nurse, her eyebrows high and anxious. “There’s no rule about anything or anything?”

“Well, I suppose that is up to Ms. Be,”

“Yes!” Chloe said quickly and loudly before the woman had even finished her sentence. Beca glanced around at her, amused and tried not to chuckle at Chloe’s flaming cheeks. “Sorry,” her lips twisted and that pushed Beca over the edge and into laughter… crazy I-need-a-straight-jacket laughter, but still - she was laughing.

“You know, pet,” the nurse said confidentially, “it’s a good idea. So many women come in here with a birthing plan to do it alone and they all wish they had somebody by the end.” Beca saw Chloe’s eyes narrow as though she had been challenged but the nurse didn’t know Chloe Beale’s ‘wanna bet’ look so she just smiled, “Well then! Come on ladies! I’ll show you to your room.”

Beca trailed along behind them, her cheek between her teeth, somewhat amazed at the scenes playing out around her. There were babies everywhere; new mothers, families, people laughing and hugging, fathers kissing mothers. She still wasn’t sure how this had become her life. She wasn’t complaining. But like - how had she gone from drinking and partying to look-I’m-in-the-maternity-ward in just under a year? The whole place seemed to be ringing with the shrill cries of babies and the coo of their caretakers. And what was weirder, her surroundings or the thoughts in her head? How the fracking fuck had she gone from ‘babies are weird, small human things’ to ‘aaawwwweeeee, baabyyyy’?

“Wait, wait,” Chloe grabbed the wheels of the chair just as they were turning into a room, creating a domino effect, the nurse bouncing off of Chloe and Beca bouncing off of the nurse, snapping her out of her thoughts, “This can’t be right. Is Sheryl here yet?”

“Sheryl, dear? Let go of the wheels please, you’re going to hurt your pretty fingers.”

Beca peeked around the wide rear of the nurse and through the door, alerted by the high slightly panicked quality of Chloe’s voice. Yeah no, this was definitely not right. It was small, barely large enough for the sterilized bed, a chair, and the plethora of medical equipment. The room that Chloe had reserved looked more like her first L.A. apartment - only nicer.

“ _Sheryl_ , she’s supposed to be here.” Chloe had let go of the wheels though and so the nurse was wheeling her in.

“I’m not sure who that is, dear. Now, let’s get you all nice and comfy-”

“What do you mean ‘you’re not sure’?” Chloe’s eyes were quickly rounding out, that scared puppy look slowly creeping onto her face. “You work here, you should know!”

“You’re sure she is a doctor here?”

“Yes! Oh god, Bec!”

Chloe hadn’t seemed nervous or afraid before; she hadn’t seemed perturbed in any way. Beca didn’t know if it was just the shock of suddenly being in labor hadn’t hit her yet - or if it was that weird Chloe charm but now Chloe’s cheeks were pale. She knew that Chloe _did not_ want to give birth in a room like this, all cold and clean, it was nothing like Chloe.

“It’s okay. I’ll,” she pointed back over her shoulder, “I’ll go - I’ll go see what I can do. Gimmie your phone. I’ll call her.”

It took longer than it should have. Apparently Sheryl - the lovely Sandalwood smelling midwife - was out of town on another call. She swore she would be in as soon as she could, she swore it wouldn’t be long but Beca was not exactly psyched to pass this information along.

“I understand, miss,” the nurse was saying when Beca returned, “but you cannot go into the birthing center without your midwife.” Well, at least they had straightened out whether or not there was a Sheryl on staff.

“We can’t stay in here,” Chloe was trying to be reasonable, Beca could see that, but she could also see the way her fingers were fluttering around her throat. “This is where people come to die, not where babies are supposed to be born! I have a birthing plan and I really don’t want to be pushed to do something else.”

“It’s okay,” Beca said, her hands up, and so, yeah, she was lying, oh well, “Sheryl is on her way. Don’t stress.”

“She’s on her way?” Chloe’s eyelashes fluttered, zeroing in on Beca and staring intensely, searching for comfort.

“Uh. Yeah. On her way.”

Ish.

“The best I can do, ladies, is let you stay in the waiting room of the center until she gets here. I’m sorry, but it’s policy.”

Fucking hospitals and their policies. “We’ll, yeah, we’ll take it.”

The nurse shrugged as though she didn’t understand it at all, like how could they prefer the waiting room over this antiseptic room.

“Look dude, her choice, right? She might not want puke colors paper blankets and a super comfortable flat, brick pillow. So, let’s go, shall we?”

Beca had felt better when she had something to do.

It had been easy once they were in the waiting room of the birthing center connected to the hospital. _They_ had known who Chloe’s midwife was instantly, had been able to pull up her records and reservation and therefore had simply shown her back to her room without waiting.

 _This room_ looked more like Chloe and it made Beca if there were different themed rooms, like was there a business executive version where everything was in sharp angles and clean white lines or a lumberjack version where everything was covered in fake wood and the whole room smelled of pine? Chloe had ordered the hippie version and honestly the place read more like a spa or a nice hotel than a hospital anything.

It was big, almost as large as her dining room and living room put together. They could have easily fit thirty people in there if they really needed to. Beside the door was a small sitting area, with a few stiff looking couches. They didn’t exactly look comfortable per se but the soft rust-colored pillows made them seem all the more welcoming which Beca was grateful for because if this went too long then she would probably be sleeping on one - if she slept at all. A little further down the long room was a dining set, a chiffon scarf draped over it as a table cloth and a vase of sunflowers in the center. A few pillars separated the second half of the room, on one side was a large king sized bathtub that Beca had to assume was used for both relaxation as well as water births and the other was a fairly inviting looking bed. Yes, there were still a few monitors around it, but they had been styled so they didn’t stick out much and yes it was still a hospital bed but it had been covered with a soft looking blanket and a plump pillow at least.

Chloe beamed when she saw it and gave a smug little, “This is more like it.”

That had been great. Beca had felt useful when she was manhandling the nurse into getting them into this wing.

And Chloe was happy. Yay.

But now -

She wasn’t back to not freaking out.

Not at all.

She wasn’t.

_She wasn’t!_

She was just pacing back and forth - a lot - because - you know, movement is good for your health and - stuff.

Chloe had settled on the bed with ease, looking impressively comfortable for a woman who was sitting on a _hospital bed_ , technically in labor. Now that she was in her room the near diva fit had been averted and she seemed at ease. She had changed, throwing on some yoga pants and had cuddled into the hoodie she was so fond of which - it was kind of adorable, especially because it was pretty much stretched to capacity these days. Beca was pretty sure that no amount of washing it would ever get it back to a size that would even kind of fit Beca, not that she really believed she would ever be getting it back anyway.

She could feel Chloe’s eyes on her as she moved, watching as she walked to the tub - then to the couches - then to the tub, biting the skin just beside her thumbnail as she went.

She didn’t get it! How was Chloe just sitting, not freaking out at all? Not that she - um - whatever -

“Bec,” Chloe said softly when she tripped over her feet and nearly went flying.

“Yeah?” Beca called over her shoulder, giving the empty floor a hard look as though something there had tripped her, some ball of fluff or lint.

Chloe didn’t answer so Beca went on pacing.

She had made the route three more times before Chloe said again, “Um, hey Bec…”

“Yeah.” Beca paused, hands flopping awkwardly to her hips and them down as she tried to strike a I-swear-I’m-casual pose.

Eyebrow high Chloe just stared.

“What’s up?” Beca asked, using her whole twitchy hand to push a strand of hair out of her face.

“You’re making me nervous.”

“Uuuh, sorry.” She flopped down in the chair beside the bed and before long her crossed leg was bouncing as she hummed, surprisingly off-key, something that she eventually realized was ‘Titanium’ - which was all too fitting right now. She hadn’t noticed any of this though until suddenly music started playing from Chloe’s phone beside her. Beca scoffed, “N’Sync, really?”

Chloe grinned and asked, hopping off the bed - well, doing her best hop which was a little less than impressive these days, “Would you prefer the Spice Girls?”

“Errr-”

“Come on.” Chloe reached for her hand, pulling her up. “Dance with me.”

“ _Really?_ Now? You want to dance now?”

“Hey! I’m the one who is about to pass a baby through my lady bits, remember?”

If that hadn’t guilted Beca, willingly guilted but still, then the fact that Chloe was already dancing would have.

“You’re a freak, you know that right? I mean, a very cute freak and I love it but still, you’re definitely a freak.”

Chloe rolled her eyes, grabbing her by the shirt for a kiss, “I feel _fine_. Honestly, my biggest point of tension is the fact that my girlfriend is going a little crazy right now.”

“I’m not-” Beca rolled her eyes.

So Beca danced, not at all how she would usually dance, this was far more twitchy and awkward but it worked. Soon she was laughing.

“God, I’m having flashbacks to my junior prom.” Beca groaned as they swayed together to a slow song.

“You went to prom?” Chloe asked, a frown on her face.

“Oh yeah, awkward photo and all. I think my dad still has the picture my mom sent him on his mantel so I got to see it every time I went over there. Yeah, it’s great.”

“How did I not know that? I think I would have assumed you had boycotted your prom.”

Beca shrugged, “No, I went. It was uneventful. Awkward dancing. A post-prom party that my date wanted to go to. Not much to say. We were those pissy kids that went to be ‘ironic’ but really kind of just wanted to go even though we would literally never admit that. What about you?”

“Very traditional.” Chloe gave a small nod, “Had the dress and the updo and a very cute date.”

“I bet you looked adorable. What color was your dress?”

“Blue.”

“I would put money on you being prom queen.”

Chloe bit her lip, studying the far wall with a squint, “Maaaybe.”

They were laughing on the bed, taking selfies - as Chloe loved to do - and texting their friends updates when Chloe showed the first small sign of discomfort. It wasn’t a big deal, really.

“Oh, come on! Beca! Stop making that face!”

“What face?” Beca cried back, her mouth hanging open.

“That face! I don’t know, your I’m-Beca-and-I-don’t-like-taking-pictures _thing!_ ”

“I do not have a thing!”

“Oh yeah?” Chloe cried and held up the phone for her. She had zoomed it in on Beca’s face which was slack and expressionless, looking up at the camera as though it were stupid and it annoyed her almost as much as the woman next to her annoyed her.

“Okay but that is just a bad picture! No! It is! It totally is!”

“Oh yeah?” She swiped to the right to another picture with the same face.

“This doesn’t prove - Chlo? Chlo!”

Chloe’s smile had faltered; her face had gone a little pale.

Beca had relaxed a bit, she had almost forgotten where they were and why they were there. Now all of the panic came back as she bounced up onto her knees, “Are you okay? Should I call - someone?

Chloe’s eyes had glazed over just a bit but they cleared now and she gave her a hesitant smile but it was nowhere near the smile she had three minutes before. This one looked a little anxious. “Yeah, I’m okay. That was,” she cleared her throat, shifting a little uneasily on the bed, “that was the first one that hurt. Um, is Sheryl here yet?” She shifted again, her eyes flicking nervously.

“I’m not sure. I don’t think so. How was that? Do you want me to go now?”

“No, not yet.” Chloe shifted back onto the bed, resting against the pillows, “Will you just watch some TV with me? I don’t want to think about it. This is going to be amazing and I don’t want to get nervous.”

“Amazing?” Beca laughed, letting her head hang as she shook it, “Chlo, you’re so - so _Chloe_ sometimes.”

“What? It will be!”

“I think most people are more worried about the pain more than preserving the amazingness.”

“What? Not a chance. This _is_ an amazing thing, it’s beautiful and I can’t wait.”  

“Well you won’t be waiting much longer,” Beca mumbled under her breath as she scooted back as well, letting Chloe cuddle under her arm. “You think there will be anything good on?”

“Probably not, but still.”

Beca flipped through without much hope, it was too early in the evening for anything good. They instead began debating if they should grab something from the cafeteria for dinner before things got too crazy or if they should see if someone will bring them something.

“Can you order-in to a hospital? Is that a thing? I bet it’s not because if it was then no one would eat the hospital food. Can you eat takeout if -”

“Oh my god, go back! Go back!”

“Wha!” Beca jumped, flipping back, “Ooooh dude, weird! We are nooooot watching my ex-girlfriend - like - person, nooooo.”

“Why not, Bec?” Chloe grinned, running her hand over Beca’s stomach in a teasing and yet entirely possessive way.

“Uh huh. Because her face gives me heartburn. I vote no on that one.”

 

An hour later their light dozing was interrupted by the door banging open and Nick rushing in, red faced, sweaty and panicked, “WHAT’D I MISS? WHAT’D I MISS? DID IT HAPPEN? IS SHE HERE?”

“Whoa dude, Jesus!” Beca cried, trying to swallow down her heart again.

“Not a lot is happening here.” Chloe shrugged. “We’re watching Dragnet.”

“Oh.” Nick deflated. “ _Dragnet?_ ”

“Yup.” She had never gained her chipper mood back, not fully. She wasn’t upset, at least not that Beca could see, but she had definitely sobered a little after that first painful contraction.

She wondered if it was because she was in more pain now than she was willing to admit.

“How did you get here so fast?” Beca frowned, teasing one of Chloe’s curls with her finger.

He just blinked at Beca like maybe he didn’t even know.

“Brey wants an update.” Chloe all but sang, looking at her phone.

“Gaaah! Duuuude.” Beca cried as she looked over just in time for the selfie of the two of them to be taken.

“Oh my god, this is perfect, look at Nick’s face in the background! Wait, update?” Chloe frowned up at Beca, “She isn’t on her way?”

“Err, I’m not sure?” Beca shrugged as Nick flopped down in the chair next to them; he looked like he had drunk three Red Bull’s and then flown to L.A..

“This is all that’s happening?” He frowned. “I just drove like a maniac. I got a ticket.”

“Don’t worry, Nick, it will get more interesting soon.” Chloe chuckled as she climbed off the bed to call Aubrey.

Chloe came back a few minutes later, her face one giant pout, “She says she has a group of fifty Walmart Execs at the lodge and she can’t leave.”

“What?” Beca rolled her eyes; she didn’t buy that at all. Why was Aubrey so afraid of this baby? Her mind drifted through the things she had learned about Aubrey when the Bellas had been in town. She wasn't avoiding all of this because Aubrey was upset that Chloe hadn’t chosen her to be with, right? Or something weird and confusing like that. She pressed her lips into a thin line, momentarily upset by the thought before she decided that she didn’t think that was the problem.

“I kind of don’t believe her.” Chloe frowned, “She was using her lying voice.”

Beca bit her lip, “Chlo, do you think all of this is kind of freaking her out?”

Chloe’s frown grew.

“Babies are messy and Aubrey has a hard time with that. Don’t worry, we’ll get her ass here. I don’t think it’s personal, I think it’s Audrey being Aubrey and being a little freaked.” Chloe glared, “In a good way! I mean that in a good way!”

Another hour passed. They settled for a few snacks from the vending machine and sharing the salad the hospital brought for Chloe instead of the cafeteria or take out. No one really had much of an appetite and no one wanted to leave until they had to. It was around then that Beca started to notice that Chloe was getting kind of quiet, kind of stiff. She didn’t really want to mention it, she didn’t want to point it out, especially because oblivious-to-everything-Nick over there was just jabbering away about Jenny, worrying openly that he would miss Cassidy’s birth but her cheeks were starting to grow a little flushed too.

She touched her leg, an eyebrow going up in a silent question.

Chloe just nodded, but her teeth had caught her lip and she looked even more uncertain than she had before.

Beca’s stomach began to churn a little, worried. She didn’t expect Chloe’s this-is-amazing-sunshine-and-rainbows thing to last, she didn’t know a lot about birth but she knew it hurt … a lot. She could see the gleam of positivity around Chloe cracking and it made her tense.  

A soft knock came from the closed door and Chloe visibly jumped.

“Oh my god, _please_ let that be Sheryl,” she gasped, her cool calm broke altogether and tension radiated from her.

Nick threw open the door and it wasn’t the midwife but instead, a very shaky, clammy and pale Emily stepped in.

“Oh my god! Emily!” Chloe yelped, her hands clasping together.

Emily...she really looked like shit; her lips were pressed tight, her skin wasn’t the greatest shade ever and she looked too thin for it to have only been a few day since she left; the bags under her eyes were huge but she was smiling.

They both hopped up, surrounding her in hugs and much to Beca’s extreme pleasure, the little squeak Emily let out sounded so much like their friend that they both hugged her again.

“How are you? How are you feeling?”

“ _Me?_ ” Emily cried in a broken and squeaky voice, “How are _you?_ How are _you_ feeling? Can I get you anything?” Emily frowned, her hands hovering an inch from Chloe’s belly, “Can I get you some - ice chips - or something? I dunno, that’s what you’re supposed to give women in labor, right? That’s what they always give them on TV, err, annnyway! Hi!”

Someone cleared their throat and they noticed for the first time that Blake was standing in the doorway, hovering behind Emily like he thought she might fall over.

Oooh.

Beca realized that she was here, yeah, but under supervision. Was she supposed to have left the reservation so soon or was this a off the books special situation?

“What are you doing here?” Chloe asked, far too jubilant for her meaning to be taken any other way than how she meant it.

“I uh, I just wanted to be here. Is that okay? I’ll wait in the waiting room with Blake, but-”

“No, you don’t!” Chloe locked her arms around her and dragged her back to the bed, plopping her on the foot and then paused, “If you’re comfortable, I mean.”

Emily gave a small nod.

“Okay, Emily, I’ll be in the waiting room,” Blake called with a nod and a good luck for the room at large

Emily’s feet came up off the floor to curl under her and for a moment the three just looked at one another, Nick glancing between them stupidly.

“So.” Beca finally hedged, “How is it?”

Emily sighed, staring up at the ceiling as she tried to find the right words. “It’s - it’s good. It’s really cool actually, it’s like the whole place is like paused in mid-meditation and like, there are yogis and stuff and, yeah, it’s really cool but it’s like,” Emily took a deep shuddering breath, “hard.”

From behind her Nick opened his mouth so Beca shot him a warning look. It must have been a good one too because his mouth closed with a snap and a shoulder shrug.

“What have-”

“Writing. And sweating. They weren’t kidding when they said sweat lodge. But mostly writing.”

“Yeah?” Beca grinned and it softened Emily’s smile as well.

“Yeah, like, nonfreakingstop. It’s never happened like this before, Bec, I have like ten songs ready and it’s only been a few days.”

“Dude, that’s awesome.” She gave her a high five and then wondered why the hell that was what she had chosen to do. But Emily let out a girlish giggle and she was glad she had done it.

“Yeah, I mean, like, um, like, I think I had just forgotten how much I love to write music without the pressure of recording, um, you know?” Emily chewed her fingernail.

Beca shrugged, trying hard not to feel the nervous tension in her gut.

“I think that maybe recording isn’t for me.”

“I think,” Chloe beamed, “you should do what you love.”

“Yeah. Yea, I guess.”

“Does Benji know you’re in town?” Chloe asked, lifting Emily’s left hand. It was only then that Beca noticed she was wearing the ring that Benji had offered her. It was kind of beautiful there on her hand.

“No.” Emily frowned, “I’m not - not really. I - I’m going right back and he-”

“You want him to have the whole you.” Chloe nodded confidently. “And that’s not ready yet.”

“Yeah.”

“Awes.”

Chloe lost some of her chattiness over the next hour. She and Chloe had leaned back against the pillows again, Emily resting against their knees but as it went on Chloe was starting to move - to twitch, to shift restlessly and she was starting to ask about Sheryl every few minutes. Her face had gone permanently pale, bringing out the hidden freckles in her skin, little blotches of pink had sprung up in her cheeks as well.

“Baby.” Beca finally hedged when Chloe’s fingers went anxiously through her hair, her face _white_ , “You can tell us if it’s starting to bother you.”

She just soundlessly shook her head and took Beca’s hand.

It didn’t last long this time though because half an episode of American Ninja Warrior later Chloe suddenly froze mid shift, her whole body going stiff.

“Chlo?”

But Chloe just shook her head, her lips thin.

They all watched her hesitantly, trying to pretend they weren’t concerned, trying to pretend that there wasn’t a palpable excited tension in the room.

Thirty minutes later Chloe couldn’t do it anymore. They were all right in the middle of discussing possibly ordering some food – yet again - when Chloe suddenly went quiet and stiff, biting off her own words mid-sentence.

“Chlo?”

Her lips pressed together as she shook her head, leaning over so she could press her face into Beca’s arm as she let out a low moan that wouldn’t stay in.

“Fuck!” Beca cried, bracing herself for the epic panic she had felt in the car, only it didn’t come. Strangely she found that in the face of Chloe’s pain, she wasn’t so nervous anymore. “Heeey,” she said softly, wrapping an arm around her girlfriend, “You okay? You ready to admit it’s starting to hurt?”

She nodded just a bit, “Is Sheryl here yet?” she whimpered into Beca’s shoulder.

“Not yet, but,” she reached for her phone, noticing the dark look on Nick’s face as he watched them and choosing to ignore it, “I’m gonna call her, okay?” She waited until Chloe was willing to sit back before she jumped off the bed and rushed out of the room, kind of not wanting Chloe to hear it if Sheryl still wasn’t on her way.

“No, no, I’m sorry, I’m coming, I’m coming. I’m about forty minutes out of town. Do you think she will make it? If not I can call another midwife.”

“Yeah, so I’m pretty sure she will freak the fuck out if someone who is not you walks in here but she only just started to admit that it hurts. It’s been pretty slow. We’ve been here for hours.”

“Hmmm, well, slow in the beginning does not always mean it will stay that way. Have a nurse check her dilation and then call me, please. They have my cell number.”

“’Kay, but can you just like, hurry up, please? I mean, not to be rude, but um - pretty please.”

“No offense taken, I’ll do my best.”

She debated before she headed back into the room, should she tell Chloe the details?

No.

No details.

“Okay, okay, she’s on her way. She should be here really soon. She said to have someone come in and check your dilation.”

Chloe just nodded.

“Okay, you got this. You alright? You’re good. You can do this.”

Chloe just soundlessly nodded again.

“I’ma - I’m gonna call a nurse.”

Dilated to a six, Chloe gave into the hospital clothes which weren’t exactly the typical paper gown that was oh so flattering on everyone but more of a shapeless dress that could be pulled off when they needed her clothes to be out of the way. With the dress change and the routine exam from the nurse the room suddenly shifted.

Chloe needed to walk. At first she could do it by herself, pacing the length of the room while the other three did their best to talk, chat, make her laugh, which Chloe did, her hand tucked under her belly. Then eventually she needed help walking.

The nurse brought in a large purple birthing ball which she sat on for a few minutes before she was up walking again, sometimes leaning on Beca, sometimes Nick and sometimes Emily.

“Dude, can we get one of these for at home?” Beca asked, bouncing a little as she sat on the ball. “I mean really, though.” She was trying to make Chloe laugh, “I mean,” she bounced harder, “Come on!” She wanted to make a sex joke but somehow right now just didn’t seem like the time. So instead she gave Chloe her best cheesy smile - which made Chloe laugh a little - and then Beca went flying.

“Fuuuuuck!”

“Beca!”

“Fuck that thing, I don’t want one of those,” she called from the floor.

“Maybe don’t break yourself right now.”

“Knock, knock!” The door opened and Chloe all but melted to see Sheryl finally walking in.

“Oh thank god.” Chloe moaned, a few tears slipping free as she wrapped the woman in a hug.

“Oh _thank god_ ,” Beca mumbled from the floor, her whole body hurting but whatever, Sheryl was finally fucking here.

There was a quick exam, one that promised that ‘the fun’ was not far now.

Soon walking was too much, but sitting was bad too. Chloe had gone through a phase before where she didn’t want to be touched, where it was too much. Now she couldn’t seem to not be touched. They settled for an awkward type of leaning; Beca against the wall for support while Chloe leaned heavily on her chest, arms around her neck as Nick stood behind her massaging her lower back with his thumbs and Emily gave her sips of water.

“It seems like it’s getting close, Chlo,” Beca said in her ear.

Chloe let out a little laugh, “It seems like it.” She flipped her hair so she could press her face a little harder into Beca’s neck, whimpering.

“You scared at all?”

If the other two could hear their whispered conversation then they were polite enough to pretend that they couldn’t.

It took Chloe a minute to answer, crying out as another contraction came, this one much closer to the last than any before, “A little - nervous - maybe? You?”

Beca nodded, rubbing the back of her neck in a way she hoped was soothing, “A little bit. Is that dumb of me?”

Chloe just groaned.

The more time passed, the stranger the noises coming from Chloe were, the less she wanted to let go of Beca and Beca was fine with that. Whatever Chloe needed. She didn’t really care. This was crazy. Nick, seeming just a bit butt hurt, stayed in the chair, his attention sharp on his ex-wife while Emily was back at the foot of the bed, watching them like a hawk and perhaps a little paler.

Therefore when, after a particularly wanton sound of pain, Sheryl came back to check their status and Beca wasn’t all that surprised when Chloe wouldn’t let her go.

“Okay Chloe,” Sheryl grinned at them like they were about to step onto a fun carnival ride, “It’s time to remove anyone you don’t want to be here. It’s getting close. I think we can get you ready for the ball.”

Beca frowned as Chloe whimpered, tears rolling down her face. She didn’t think Chloe was crying so much as her body was simply responding to the pain. She knew that Chloe didn’t want her here for the actual birth, she knew that and frankly, she fucking didn’t _want_ to be there but - still she frowned.

“I uh-” Emily had jumped to her feet, “Okay, I’m going to go sit with Blake. Chlo, do you need anything?”

Chloe was still perched against Beca, her whole body shaking with Beca’s arms protectively tight around her. She gave a swift shake of her head and Emily nodded, “Okay. You can do it. You so rock. Love you.” She gave Chloe a quick kiss on the sweaty forehead and then she was _gone_.

Chloe barely seemed to notice. “Fuck, Bec!” Chloe cried, her hands like a vise on Beca’s arms as she cried out, her forehead bruising Beca’s collarbone.

Damn it. She wanted to do something, anything to help. There had to be something, anything she could do. She couldn’t be totally and utterly useless at this moment. There had to be _something._ The sounds Chloe was making had changed, they weren’t cute-awe-she’s-in-labor sounds, Chloe sounded like she was in real, honest pain and it ripped at Beca, shredding her nerves.

Panicked she glanced up at Sheryl, hoping that she would have anything for Beca to do, anything at all besides standing here like an idiot while Chloe balled her fists into her shirt, grunting and howling.

Sheryl’s face was serene and Beca found it comforting, yeah, but she needed more. She stammered a bit, trying to find the words but Sheryl just smiled, her hands up as if to say just hang in there.  

So she waited. The whole contraction had lasted maybe a minute but Beca held her breath until it was done, until the yelling stopped and Chloe was just shuddering against her.

“I think maybe let’s get you onto the bed, Chloe.”

Once Chloe looked, well, as comfortable as she was going to get, Beca brushed her hair out of her face, doing her fucking damned best not to freak the fuck out, not to flutter. She could tell her hands were shaking but Chloe, who had another contraction coming on, didn’t seem to notice, “Okay. Baby. You got this. Alright? You got this. I’m going to go call your mom and Aubrey and-”

The look on Chloe’s face could have turned any man - or woman - to stone, “Don’t you _dare_ leave me, Beca Mitchell!”

“Uuuuuh.”

It was the first loud and decisive thing Chloe had said in hours. Granted the volume might be about the fact that her whole body was now writhing, her teeth gritting as she held onto Beca’s arm with a punishing grip.

“Ow. Ow. Babe. Baby. Ow.”

“Wait, if _she_ gets to stay then I get to stay,” Nick cried, his arms crossing.

“ _I don’t care who stays!”_

Fuck, fuck, fuck! The thing was she didn’t want to stay! Not really! Not - not really. This was so not her jam. She would say something awkward or do something bad because Chloe was fucking having a baby and this was - this was a lot. Chloe was in pain and Beca was never good with that, she was never good with Chloe being in any kind of pain. It kind of turned her into a dog before a thunderstorm, running around with her tail between her legs, yowling and trying to find a place to hide. “You don’t want me to stay, remember?” She tried in her best, I swear-I’m-not-running-or-freaking-out voice, “Something about our sex life...”

“Gah, I didn’t need to hear that.” Nick’s whole body twitched.

Chloe was still gritting her teeth through a contraction so Beca decided to believe that was why her response was so - loud - aka, a downright scream, “ _If you don’t **want** to fuck me after this, Beca Mitchell, then you don’t **get** to fuck me after this!_”

“Aaaaaah,” Nick covered his ears, walking away and shaking his head.

“Okay, okay, hey, calm, calm, Breathe, remember?” Dude, that was so lame to say? Who didn’t know to breathe? See, this was exactly why Chloe shouldn’t want her in there. Damn it, when was this contraction going to end? It was so fucking long! Come on!

Chloe finally relaxed, her head falling with a thump back onto the pillow. Beca opened her mouth to protest again and suddenly Chloe’s head whipped around with all the gingery fire that Beca had ever seen her possess. “Right. Okay then. Staying it is.”

“Alright, Mommy,” Sheryl grinned, pulling on a plastic-y gown of her own.

And a wave of unreal hit Beca so hard that she stumbled. Blinking fast she sat with a thump on the birthing ball and barely noticed when she was on the floor again, her back hitting the tile with a bone crunching smack.

Holy shit.

Holy shit, it was fucking happening.

It was happening.

Now.

Like now.

Pregnancy led to babies, everyone knew that, but holy shit, dude, there was going to be a baby and -

“Bec?”

She heard Chloe calling her distantly but her mind just swam.

Was she ready for this?

She didn’t even know if - and it didn’t really matter.

Chloe - her Chloe - her fucking Chloe Beale - she was about to have a baby.

Aubrey should be there. Aubrey was better at this.

“BECA!”

She yelped when suddenly Nick was pulling her up by her shirt and placing her back on her unsteady feet.

“Right, I’m good. I’m good, I’m here.”

The nurses had pulled Chloe out of the awkward dress and down to her bra, and - the fuck - the bottom half of the bed was suddenly gone, replaced by the god-awful stirrups every woman hated. Beca stared at them in horror, blinking and unable to focus.

“Bec. Bec!” Chloe was staring at her, a look of desperate panic on her face and without even needing to think Beca went to her, taking her hand and kissing it.

She gave her a small grin, “Still think it’s amazing?”

Chloe tried to laugh but she couldn’t quite make it work.

“Chlo, you got this. You totally got this, you’re good, you’re - you’re like a fucking rock star right now, you got this.”

Chloe let out a little titter but her hand clasped tighter, “Oh god, another one is coming, oh god, another one is coming!”

Beca closed both of her hands around Chloe’s one while Nick braced her shoulder.

It hit with the staggering force of an earthquake. Chloe’s head fell back, the muscles in her neck popping as she grit her teeth, trying to stop the sounds that were coming from her.

“It’s okay. If you need to scream then scream. It’s okay.” Nick’s voice was shaky but Beca nodded along, squeezing Chloe’s hand as hard as Chloe was squeezing hers.

“Okay, things are getting ready, you-” But Beca had stopped listening to the midwife; she had even stopped hearing Nick and his stupid fucking rambling. She watched Chloe staring down at Sheryl, nodding. It was time and Beca – her mind swirled as she watched Chloe’s face set, as she watched it - changing - everything about her - Chloe was changing.

Had she said she didn’t want to see this?

This was -

Chloe’s face was as red as her hair, sweat was pouring at a rate that rivaled any workout and she was making noises she had never heard from a human being but Beca couldn’t look away.

She was enrapturing.

She knew she was babbling at her, hopefully whatever she was saying was encouraging, she had no idea. Chloe was radiating, glowing - and not like before, not like the moments when Chloe would smile and it would light up Beca’s heart, or even when Chloe walked into a room and everything suddenly just got brighter.

No, this was different.

She watched Chloe’s determined face and the weight of it, the weight of everything inside of her for this woman could have taken her down to her knees.

Chloe’s eyebrows drew together as she concentrated and Beca impossibly squeezed her hand harder.

She had never seen so much power, so much magnitude all at once and in one face. She had never seen anything so strong and feminine, yet awe-inspiring. She was taking this thing that _wrecked_ most women and she was overpowering it, pulling in her strength.

She watched as Chloe’s teeth bared, a bit of loose hair sticking to her forehead as she worked, pushing with everything she had, wailing; her eyes ablaze. She had gone somewhere inside of herself and yes, she was a beautiful force.

She had seen Chloe in weak moments and she had seen her in strong moments, but never in all the years had she known her like this, had she seen _this_ strength.

She had no idea how long it had been. She had an idea that maybe it had been a while based on the numbness in her fingers but she wasn’t sure. She had finally fallen silent, unlike Nick and his constant prattling, she just held Chloe’s hand, staying as close as she could, letting Chloe pull her closer as she pushed, her whole body flexing down.

She knew Nick was on the other side, holding her other hand, sometimes watching what was happening behind Beca.

“Don’t look, okay?” Chloe had whimpered against her hand and Beca had nodded but it had been pointless because Beca …she couldn’t look away from Chloe’s face. She knew that if she turned, if she changed her position a little bit then she would probably be able to see Willa being born; she could tell what color hair she would have, if any, she would get her first glance but she couldn’t. Chloe’s face had taken hold of Beca’s very being, keeping her there.

It was amazing.

It was mesmerizing.

 _She_ was amazing.

She didn’t think it was possible but she knew, she was positive that right now she was falling in love with her a little more, a little harder.

Then Chloe gave a particularly strange cry and suddenly the room went quiet.

Beca blinked, lifted out of her daze.

There was a beat and then this shrill little voice started to scream.

“Oh my god, Chloe! There she is! Chloe! Holy crap!” Nick sounded like a little girl who had just been given a pony for her sixth birthday and Beca couldn’t even find it in her mind to make fun of him.

Blinking, life feeling like slow motion, Beca started to turn her head to look but before she could suddenly she was there, across Chloe’s chest right next to her, this screaming tiny red thing was next to her and everything in Beca’s world stopped.

Everything shifted.

It was as though everyone and everything had suddenly disappeared like smoke, everyone and everything except the woman before her and this little screaming gross - thing.

She watched open mouthed as Chloe’s face transformed yet again and she wondered how the hell she had found her beautiful a moment before - this look - seeing her now - that was the most tranquil, magnificent thing she had ever seen.

Chloe gave a great sob and she glanced up, only for a second, baby blue meeting navy and Beca couldn’t even blink, her eyes and mouth hanging open in stunned shock.

Sheryl gave a joyful croon and Beca let out a little laugh, taking in the tiny face, the small heart-shaped lips, the little button of a nose, the angular chin and the swatch of brunette hair. Someone was wiping the baby down but Chloe’s eyes never left her face, cooing and crying, fingertips grazing her forehead as though she wasn’t sure if the baby were real.  

“Chlo,” she choked out, “Chlo, she looks just like you.”

Chloe looked up and gave a wet little laugh.

Nick leaned over them both, taking in the little face and gave Chloe’s forehead a kiss. Then, much to her muted and distant surprise, he reached over and clapped Beca on the shoulder, his eyes never leaving the babies face.

It was so strange. Of course she loved Willa. But she had never expected this feeling, like there was no reason to look up, like why would she ever want to look at anything else - except maybe one.

She looked into Chloe’s face, her laugh surprised and light hearted, “She’s beautiful!”

Chloe gave another wet laugh, kissing the fingers in front of her; the tiny little fingers that splayed out against those pale pink lips, “Isn’t she?”

Somewhere outside of herself Beca was aware that Sheryl had stood, stretching and cracking her back, “Okay family, we need to take her and weigh her and give her a quick exam.” The cord was cut, Beca shying away when the scissors were offered to her and then the little thing was lifted off of Chloe and taken across the room. They all watched her go, heads twisting until she was hidden behind bodies; then they all spent a second blinking as though they had suddenly lost their light.

They exchanged an almost confused look and all began to laugh a little.

Nick, his face bright, turned to follow but Beca turned back to Chloe. “How are you? Are you okay?” Hesitantly she touched her face, wiping her hair away, smiling in response to Chloe’s smile.

“Yeah.” Her head fell back and Beca made her lift it so she could scoot a pillow behind her, “Yeah, I’m okay.”

Beca laughed, she couldn’t stop laughing, and kissed her hand. “That _was_ kind of amazing.”

“I’m tired.”

“I bet you are.”

She opened her mouth, wanting something but - strangely - she didn’t know how to take it. They were watching one another, in that way that sometimes happened - but - “Chlo?”

“Hmm?”

“Can I uh, can I - kiss you?”

A small smile bubbled to her lips and she let out a small giggle, her fingers winding around Beca’s neck and pulling her in.

The kiss was everything; long and chaste but - it was - _everything_. In it oceans shifted, the stars and the moon fell to earth and she felt - she felt something she had never felt before. She felt - better... _right_.

“Wow,” Nick laughed, his voice cracking, “she has toes and everything.”

Chloe pulled out of the kiss, her hand trailing down to Beca’s cheek with a smile, “How many?”

“Eleven!”

Beca saw Chloe’s face shadow with worry, mirroring her own pang of panic then Chloe’s eyes rolled.

“Dude!” Beca cried before Chloe could, “Not the freaking time for jokes!”

And then she was there again, wrapped in a blanket. Beca’s jaw dropped, “Whoa shit. She’s right there.” She blinked, stunned. She had always said that Chloe being sprung on her was enough to make her mind go numb - apparently all of the Beale women had that power.

“Hey! Little ears, Beca,” Nick growled over the sound of the high wailing, but his smile was so large that Beca just ignored him, too busy feeling her anxiety rise. She was crying. They should do something about that, right? Like, now, maybe? _Willa was crying!_

“What’s wrong?” Chloe asked, her face suddenly sharp with worry as her eyes leveled on Beca.

Beca shifted from one foot and then the other, “She’s crying,” she finally said.

Chloe stared at her for a second a smile slowly building.

“Is she okay?” Beca asked, not even trying to hide her worry. “Is she supposed to be crying like that?” She fluttered and exchanged a look with Nick but Chloe just laughed.

“She just went through a lot.”

“Right but,”

“I think she’s okay.”

Things moved in a whirlwind then. Suddenly Chloe was primped and cleaned up, the bed was fixed and everything that had felt very sudden and quick in retrospect seemed to slow.

She had no idea how long they all sat there looking at the baby in Chloe’s arms before the newborn started to quiet, letting out the smallest little noises that Beca had ever heard. Beca’s tumbling heart stilled a bit as the baby settled, calming, only to pick up again when she watched Chloe kiss her on the forehead and then pass her over to Nick.

It was strange feeling her center of gravity moving that way, but Beca really couldn’t look away; every little move of her head, every little disjointed finger flex, every sound was enthralling. She pulled out her phone, snapping pictures, realizing that Chloe might want them and then, she nearly dropped her phone when Nick turned to her, juggling the phone in the air for a second before she was able to grab it. “What? No! No way! No, I literally just almost dropped my phone. I’ll break her. Dude! No!” She glanced around at them, her mind picturing a hundred ways she would shatter the tiny thing.

“You won’t break her.”

Beca just stared at Chloe’s confident face for a second, her heart beating so fast in her chest that she was a little bit dizzy. Except what if she did break her?

“You won’t break her.”

Beca licked her lips, shaking as she put her phone down and let Nick place her in her arms. “Ooooh my god,” she moaned as she felt her tiny weight settle against her. It seemed like there should be more, right? She should be heavier, bigger, “Oh god, she’s so small.” She had seemed small before but now in her arms she felt even smaller, too small to be natural.

The little thing in the blankets gave a little neck stretch and her mouth opened for just a second. Beca just stared, her own mouth hanging open as the baby finished her yawn, her eyes opening for a second and then closing.

A strange noise came from Beca - she was pretty sure that was what had happened - she was pretty sure that had come from her, right?

She was - she was beautiful.

She softly reached up and touched her cheek with her finger and laughed a little when the baby’s head instantly turned that direction. She ran her hand over her small patch of hair, marveling at its color, at its texture.

In her mind a montage had started, Willa taking her first steps toward her, teetering as Chloe sat on the other side of the circle, both holding their hands out, ready to catch her.

A beautiful five-year-old dressed as a ballerina, running and jumping, crashing into her legs, demanding a hand so that she could be twirled.

A little curly headed eleven-year-old, her lip pouting as she sat on the sidewalk next to her fallen bike, trying not to cry, insisting that she was too old to cry as she wiped a little bit of blood off of her scraped knee.

A vibrant girl coming home from her first date.

A teenager crying over her first love.

Graduating.

Getting married.

Having a baby of her own.

Beca gasped, a tear dripping onto the soft hospital blanket Willa was wrapped in.

She looked up, wanting to share her thoughts, just wanting to look at Chloe again and was amused and embarrassed to find Chloe recording her. “Oh my god, stop!” She rolled her eyes but the protest hadn’t had any heart in it and it was forgotten as soon as she looked down again. She tucked her in tight against her, probably tighter than she needed to, terrified and softly ran her finger down her cheek again. She gave a coughing laugh of disbelief as the silverish blue eyes opened wide for a second, her mouth going into an O before she settled back into sleep.

Beca knew someone had come in behind her and it took a mammoth-like strength to pull her eyes away and to Emily.

“Oh my -!” she cried and Beca frowned, knowing she was going to have to give her up.

Which she did - after another few minutes - carefully placing the baby in Emily’s arms, protectively taking a little too long to do the thing, her lips pulled back over her gritted teeth.

Emily blinked, her face bright red. “Oh my god, she’s here. Guys, she’s here.”

Beca watched, feeling a great swell of affection for them both as Emily studied the baby’s face, taking in all of the details before she took in a shuddering breath and said lightly, “Hi Legacy.”  

 


	22. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god! We're here! I can't believe how quickly we got here!

Beca let out a small groan into the gray morning sun, rolling over and yawning into the mattress. She had no idea why she was awake - she shouldn’t be awake - she couldn’t be - she refused to be. She was so fucking tired. Her brain was foggy, too foggy to even process her own name. She couldn’t be awake. It was a cruel joke, right? God, she couldn’t even remember when she had last gotten a full night sleep. Sometime around February maybe? She was going to start seeing things soon, little green men or maybe just giant black blotches of fuzz in her vision. She had never been good with no sleep, though, god, she was better than Chloe. College crunching had been hard on both of them but Beca had definitely been the one who had been able to handle it. Once Chloe had decided to graduate she had been forced to do a lot of work in such a short time that it had brought on panicked nightmares which had always pushed Chloe into her bed - or into absolute meltdown.

Beca could survive without sleep.

It didn’t mean she wanted to.

She yawned again and yanked open her eyes, fighting through the haze and was thoroughly rewarded for doing so. She had opened her eyes and looked straight into those tiny silver ones, long eyelashes fluttering.

That’s right.

Suddenly she really didn’t care that she was tired.

Like.

At all.

She just smiled as she looked back, excitement bubbling so bright she had to bite her lip. They said that her eyes would lighten as she got older, probably into blue. Like Chloe’s. Well, one of Chloe’s many eye colors since they seemed to change based on what she was wearing - or mood - or - she didn’t know, general Chloe magic. Sometimes her eyes were greenish, sometimes piercingly blue, and sometimes silver - just like Willa.

God, this little girl was already a heartthrob; she couldn’t imagine what she would look like with ice blue eyes.

She watched as the tiny face screwed up, saw her tiny hands trying to move in her swaddle blanket, her little feet trying to kick; all of it was the precursors to when she would open her mouth and let out a very unladylike yowl. For something the size of a loaf of bread, she could really holler. Beca blinked a few times, trying to get her lids to unstick and, just like every morning, she rolled over onto her back, pulling the fussy baby onto her chest. The little girl’s head instantly fell to the side, calming for a second as Beca ran smooth circles over her small back. The infant let out a little shuddering sigh that rocked her whole body, making little throaty coos, and the corner of one side of Beca’s lip twitched up.

This was the best part of the day.

Yeah, she could barely think, just - she didn’t really need to.

She softly patted the little pampered butt, just hard enough to make the baby bob up and down the way she liked, watching closely to see which one of them would win. Would she get her to go back to sleep for another half an hour or was it time to wake Chloe?

Beca glanced over to the woman next to her and the little twitch turned into a smile in full bloom. Chloe was still soundly asleep. If Beca thought _she_ was tired then she could only imagine being the only source of food for this little wonder. Chloe’s hair was tied back, but just enough was loose to flop over her face as she slept on, her back slowly rising and falling.

Then Willa gave a little hitch, her whole body contracting for a second as though someone had made a very loud noise and she began to root, burying her face into Beca’s shirt, growing fussy when she could not find what she was searching for. “Sorry kid, I don’t have what you’re wanting.”

She pulled herself up into a sitting position, trying to soothe the inevitable crying. Despite the fact that she was - exhausted wasn’t even the word - she tried to sooth her as she always did when she was the first to wake, to give the sleeping woman beside her a few more minutes. The change of position helped, Willa gave another huge sigh as she was placed on Beca’s thighs, Beca rubbing circles into her tiny belly, careful for the little nub of cord that was so close to falling off.

Chloe was up every two hours like clockwork but she tried so hard not to wake Beca in the night. She had started by immediately taking Willa from the room and nursing in the downstairs rocking chair. It hadn’t really been a solution though because every time that Beca woke and saw she was alone she, sleep deprived and groggy, had gone tearing down the stairs to see what had happened. The third time this happened Beca had nearly upended on the stairs and Chloe had given that plan up. Now she just did her best to stay quiet despite that, Beca woke for most feedings.

Beca didn’t mind. She liked the conversations that she and Chloe had in the night, resting in bed, side by side as Willa nursed. She liked watching the tranquility that always came over Chloe’s face. She found that she liked the gentle sucking rhythm of Willa’s mouth, liked watching as she went from wake and aware to slowly unconscious again.

Willa gave a small, unhappy coo, pulling her back to her present. When the baby began to move again she put her back onto her chest, bouncing, patting her butt, humming a low steady tone in her chest like Willa liked, she even gave her the binky that was lost in the covers but finally Willa would have no more of it and, tiny face scrunching up, she gave a loud cry.

“Shhhh,” Beca hummed.

It took Chloe a second but suddenly she whipped around, disoriented and nearly falling over but instantly panicked that Willa was crying.

“She’s fine, she’s fine,” Beca said, anticipating her worry.

Chloe’s face stayed wide eyed and panicked for a second until her brain to register and she nodded, rubbing at her eyes.

“Good morning.” Beca grinned.

“Gdmmmrning.” Looking a bit haggard, Chloe pulled herself up, again nearly tipping sideways and after a second of yawning and blinking, she took the little bundle. Chloe’s head fell back against the headboard as Willa nursed before she jerked herself awake. “Sorry. What are you all smiles about?” Chloe asked as she fed her, but even in asking Chloe started to smile too. Smiling was just an inevitable part of life now.

“We have company today, remember?” Beca grinned.

“Oh yeah.” Chloe smiled wider and then it dropped like a stone, “Oh god, but that means that my parents get here in a few days, doesn’t it?”

Beca laughed, softly running her fingers over Willa’s hair, “Time has no meaning these days.”

“At least not outside of the condo.” Chloe amended.

“True.” Beca laughed and, leaning over, kissed Chloe’s neck, enjoying the little happy purr that came from her.

“What time does Aubrey get in?”

“Ten, I think.” Beca said, pulling her ratty hair back and frowning at its grossness, “She’s going to take an Uber and pick up Emily.”

“Oh, thank god.”

Beca teasingly scoffed, “I gots you, baby.”

Chloe laughed but her head was against the headboard and her eyes were slowly but surely closing again. Beca watched it happen, amused. She was never sure which one of them was _more_ likely to fall asleep randomly these days, Willa or Chloe. Soon both were deeply asleep, sitting upright and looking kind of uncomfortable so Beca, very carefully, took the baby and burped her, walking back and forth as she always did. Then, when the little girl’s stomach was soft and no longer distended, she settled her back into the co-sleeper.

Willa took a deep breath, her lips puckering for a moment and then settled in.

She wanted to stay awake, it was smarter since people were coming - the place was kind of a mess- there were things to do but it was impossible.

She sat down in her place, leaned over and gave Chloe a kiss that was returned just barely through her sleep and then fell on her face - out in a second.

 

* * *

 

It was always kind of an up by mutual agreement thing these days. When you were awake every two hours it was really easy to let your days and nights get blurred and so they tended, over the last two weeks, to stay in bed until they agreed that it was getting ridiculous and they should get up now. Even though half of the time ‘up’ meant on the couch, working their way through TV shows, dozing, chatting; living the same routine they did at night - only during the day this time.

Honestly, Beca was better at night, able to wake if she needed to, able to force herself to function but Chloe was exponentially better at being awake during the daytime.

Beca was barely up, her hair was a rat’s nest, her clothes were baggy but there was Chloe in the living room doing her yoga as though she hadn’t just given birth to a baby fifteen days ago and had even less sleep than Beca. “Dude, I can’t even remember my own name right now.”

Again, not that she was complaining. Especially not right now. Chloe used the pump every day throughout the day for one main reason only, that way every morning just before Willa was put in her crib and every night before Willa was put into the co-sleeper, Beca could take a minute and give her a bottle.

It was her favorite. It seemed to be Chloe’s favorite too. She gave them space in the morning but at night she sat beside Beca watching them with hungry, instantly happy eyes. Maybe it was because Beca always just totally lost herself in those moments, she didn't know but Chloe seemed to love watching her do it more than Beca loved doing it herself. Once it had even led to a pretty intense make out session that only ended when both had fallen asleep, Chloe stretched out on top of her.

She loved Chloe’s response more than she would ever admit.

She groaned again, taking the bottle to the sanitizer, having just settled Willa into the mini crib and trudged downstairs to find Chloe mid yoga. She had meant to just sit down on the couch but apparently, her eyes had been closed without her realizing it because her shins hit the arm and she toppled face first - giving in and just staying there because fuck it, comfortable.

“This is how I keep my energy up,” Chloe said in a chipper voice, stretching her leg above her head as best she could.

“I miss smoking.”

Chloe gave a dry laugh, “You know, I think that’s the first time you’ve mentioned that to me.”

Beca just grumbled into the cushion, “I have a witty and sarcastic comment for that, I swear I do.”

“I can see that.” Chloe laughed.

Okay, Bec, up you go.

She groaned and pulled herself up, wrenching her eyes open.

Thaaaat’s it. Good job.

“Hi.” Chloe beamed.

Beca just moaned and smiled.

Aubrey and Emily would be there in a few hours. She was so excited to see them both. She had missed Emily and she was stoked for Aubrey to finally get her uptight ass here.

Plus, they were going to make them _breakfast_ , thank _god_ , and then they were going to relax.

Beca stood and grabbed the half full french press, chugged another cup of cold coffee and went over to kiss Chloe’s face, “You’re insane. Here.” She put the monitor beside her, “I’m going to get into the shower.”

Chloe looked over and let out a little pigeon sound, looking at the sleeping baby on the screen. “She’s pretty damn cute, right?”

“Might be the cutest,” Beca called over her shoulder as she started out of the room.

So far this was awesome. She didn’t know how but this little eating, sleeping, pooping thing was kind of great. Somehow, she had a personality. She was fun. She was _exhausting_ and so far Beca had already cried - twice actually - because she didn’t know how to calm her down.

But it was so fucking cool.

Chloe’s baby was kind of the shit.

And oh my god, she was cute.

And the only thing in her world that topped her was Chloe – her personal favorite. Chloe who was taking to this so well, who was so patient and full of laughter and joy. Chloe who seemed like she couldn’t ask for anything more from life and would be happy for it to stay exactly like it was. Chloe; her very own personal ball of sunshine.

The water felt great on Beca’s skin, refreshing and she felt herself wake a little more. It wasn’t that there was no time for showers these days, because there was - Beca could easily slip away for a few minutes and take one and, after a few days, Beca had felt semi-confident enough to let Chloe do the same. It was more that there were other things they were doing instead.

No, not _that_ , though she looked forward to doing _that_ again, but they often found that though Willa had fallen asleep, whomever she had fallen asleep on - just stayed, or that they started chatting and watching her sleep and happily missed their opportunity.

Maybe they hadn’t quite gotten the hang of all of this yet.

She heard the shower door open and close and grinned under the water stream. “She asleep?”

“Um-hmm.”

She could feel Chloe’s smile as she kissed her neck and reached for the soap, running it over Beca’s back, washing it before she scooted Beca out of the way and did her own shampooing while Beca conditioned her own hair.

“You seem so excited.”

Beca knew she had been grinning and felt herself blush a little, “I am. Is it weird that I am?”

“Nope.” Chloe grinned, her face scrunching as she admitted, “I want to show her off too.”

“She’s just so freaking awesome!” Beca laughed.

“Well, I can’t argue with that. Hand me the soap, please?”

Beca did, enjoying the wink she was given. She loved these showers. She loved the sexy ones too but she loved this type as well, just showering together because they could.

They got out and dressed, both admitting a little sheepishly that it was kind of nice to be fully dressed for once instead of running around in underwear or in pajamas.

“Maybe we need to make an effort to do that more,” Chloe said a little guilty as she began to defuse her curls.

Beca just shrugged.

Once their hair was done, neither bothering with makeup, they both tiptoed into the spare room to check on the sleeping baby. They should have left her alone, they both knew that. They should have taken the time to clean up a little or just sit with a cup of coffee or take a nap. But they couldn’t help it. They both were so bad at leaving her alone.

It turned out the newborn wasn’t sleeping at all. She wasn’t crying but instead she was just lying there, her neck craning, her face rotating through a thousand expressions that she couldn’t control yet.

“Hello, my beautiful girl,” Chloe cooed as Beca went to the little dresser and worked her way through the freaking tiny clothes there, debating what to put her in for the day. She settled on something easy, a white long sleeved onesie and a pair of baby pink pants. It didn’t really matter, she would be wrapped in a blanket anyway but she kind of loved the choices. Finally, she pulled out a little flower headband and they slipped it on her.

Beca sighed as they started downstairs, both babbling about the cuteness of the little face and talking nonsensically in a strange alien voice to the baby.

In a few days she was going to have to leave Chloe to her own devices during the day and go back to work - but now she was taking - not maternity leave but - a break - for a week or two - or three - or four - to stay home - with Chloe - and Willa. Both of who were here - at the condo - who had come here because it was a little closer and pretty much hadn’t left - yet. Which was great. They were starting to need a few of the things Chloe had at her apartment but Beca hoped when she decided to go that Beca would just go with them.

She wondered yet again if she could convince both her clients and P.J. to give her some more time if she finally allowed them to come over and meet the baby. Though, maybe it would be smarter to bring her into Grasshopper.

Maybe eventually.

Not yet.

In truth they hadn’t done a lot of leaving since she had been born, ordering their groceries in.

Maybe Grasshopper could be their first stop. It was easy.

But...not yet. It was too early for people.

Both she and Chloe had been all about having company before the baby was born, assuming the Bellas would show up within twenty-four hours and they would celebrate. It became abundantly clear within a day of being home, however, that they needed to put those plans on hold. It had been - overwhelming. _Everything_ had been harder, getting up and going to the bathroom, watching TV, cooking; everything had been a bit more daunting, especially because both had a hard time putting the little girl down. Each time they had tried one had given in minutes later, insisting that they needed to pick her up for this reason or for that reason.

And surprisingly everyone had understood - some a little more gracious about it than others...namely Marcy and Nick Cavanaugh. Beca had been fuming when she had intercepted a call, taking the phone and insisting that if Marcy showed up against their wishes that Beca just simply wouldn’t let her in. Thankfully Marcy had been thoroughly distracted by Jenny going into labor two days after Chloe and Willa had been released from the hospital.

Now though, they both were excited; and though they weren’t saying it outright, Beca knew they were both glad that their first visitors were going to be their closest friends. Yeah, Chloe’s parents were coming a few days later and then the whole Cavanaugh troop a few days after that but _that_ couldn’t be avoided much longer.

Though it was 75+ outside they bundled Willa tightly before heading out to sit under the shade of the minibar. Chloe hadn’t exactly read anywhere that she should take the baby outside at least once a day but still, Chloe did it, her natural hippie side insisting that Willa needed fresh air, already excited for when she could start doing yoga with the infant in the spring sun.

Beca didn’t mind.

“Do you think we should be planning anything for them while they’re here?” Chloe asked behind her sunglasses, giving a long yawn.

“They better not be expecting anything because I think they are gonna be disappointed.”

Chloe laughed, “I guess that’s true.”

They fell into silence for a few minutes, Beca glancing at Chloe and Chloe, understanding fully, glaring back.

“Oh come on!” Beca finally hissed, not wanting to take the sleeping baby but ready to if she needed.

“Nope!”

“Giiimmie!”

“Nope!”

“She likes me better.” Beca said with a cheesy grin.

“Uh-ugh, she’s not allowed to like you better. I was her first apartment.”

“Chlooooooeeee!”

“Oh my god, who is the real infant here?” She asked with a laugh but handed the baby over. They had been having this squabble for two weeks now, passing her back and forth constantly.

It was their favorite game. Flirty teasing and the chance to hold the baby? Yes, please.

“Aaah,” she quietly cheered, “I win!” Beca grinned, feeling like she had just won the best teddy bear from the claw machine.

Chloe was upstairs giving Willa a quick diaper change when the doorbell finally rang.

Beca jumped up, her grin already losery huge and all but ran to the door. Debating with herself yet again about whether or not they should get a different buzzer, a quieter one or if they should just let Willa get used to it. “ _Dude!_ ” She cried when she swung open the door, “The hell are you doing here?”

“Surprise!” All three women, Aubrey, Emily and Stacie gave her matching grins.

“This is awesome! Does Chlo know?”

“Nope!” Stacie cried devilishly, doing a little in place dance.

She was honestly happy to see all of them but it was Emily she grabbed first.

She looked great. She didn’t look like she was shaking, she didn’t look bad at all, as a matter of fact she looked - healthy. She had only returned the day before, and she would be going back for another two weeks after a week of living her old life - but right now she looked amazing.

“You ready for this?”

“Hells yeah. I’m - I’m ready.”

“Are you sure? You don’t sound sure.”

“It’s just signing papers, don’t mom me, Beeeeca!”

“Um, what’s happening?” Aubrey frowned, a finger going up to pause their bantering.

“Dude! You didn’t tell them? Lameass!” Beca rolled her eyes. “Flashlight here is now the new Lyricist for Grasshopper Recordings. Well, she will be after this afternoon.”

It had come to them as they were all hanging around the room the day Willa had been born. Emily hated making music, she hated being a recording artist - but she loved writing it - honestly Beca had felt stupid for not thinking of it sooner.

“Oh my god! Emily!” Aubrey clapped, bouncing in place.

“Uh, yeah, that’s wonderful and everything,” Stacie said dryly, “But uh, I got a baby to meet. So. Ya betta move, pitches.”

“Right.” Beca led them back to the kitchen, waiting for Chloe to come back down, “So have you guys seen the pictures? She’s definitely the cutest baby in the world. Like. I don’t want to brag or anything. But I’m pretty sure she’s the cutest.”

“She is.” Emily turned to them and nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly, “I haven’t seen her for two weeks so I’m a little nervous that her cute might, you know, kill me.”

Beca started a pot of coffee, grumbling yet again that they didn’t have a larger press. She needed to remember to order one. Like really.

“You look good, Legacy.” Stacie finally said when it had grown quiet.

“Hey, that’s not me anymore, ‘member!”

“Shut up,” Beca rolled her eyes.

“I feel good. I think I can do this.”

“Of course you can,” Aubrey said with a pinched nod. “And we’re all behind you.”

Stacie smiled, giving Aubrey a little shoulder bump as she did it.

“Is that _Stacie?_ ” Chloe called from the living room and Stacie, apoplectic with excitement went tearing toward the voice.

“Whoa! Damn, Chlo! Warn a bitch!” Stacie cried, her hands going out as though she could stop the image she was seeing.

Beca laughed, rolling her eyes and giving Stacie a small push. Chloe didn’t exactly hide her breastfeeding; Chloe didn’t even understand why a woman would need to.

“Really? _This_ you have a problem with. I’m pretty sure you were there when I went streaking with Tom, Stacie.”

Beca wouldn’t say it, like ever because she had gotten so many brownie points for never seeming weirded out by it, but it had even taken her a second to get used to. It was just kind of strange but now – well, Willa always seemed so peaceful when she was nursing and it was a prime time to play with her toes or with her fingers.

Stacie seemed to consider this for a minute before she nodded, “Yeah, you’re right.” Stacie shrugged, her embarrassment instantly gone as she marched forward, going around the back of the rocker to look at her face.

“I didn’t know you were down here. I thought you were still upstairs.”

“Nope.” Chloe beamed and took the kiss that Beca offered as they all gathered around Chloe.

“Guys,” Beca grinned around at them, “this is Willa Michelle Beale.”

Stacie was in tears as she reached forward to stroke her cheek, “She’s so cute. Oh my god. Bec, she looks just like you.” She sniffed, “It’s kind of freaky.”

Beca laughed, totally never willing, ever, to admit that the idea made her stomach flutter.

“Of course she does.” Chloe winked at her and Beca felt her cheeks heat.

“Can I hold her?”

It took a minute, Stacie jittering anxiously, but eventually, with a protectiveness of a lion, Beca transferred the lightly fussy baby into Stacie’s arms.

“Oh my god, guys,” Stacie looked up and around and then back down, “Oh my god, guys, guys, oh my god, oh my god!” She gave a little happy bounce which sent a bolt of panic through Beca, making her step forward but Stacie had her securely and she felt Chloe grab her by the ass pocket, her eyebrow cocked.

Beca just rolled her eyes in return, hearing the chastise without Chloe having to say it.

“Oh my god, she hates me!” Stacie wailed after a minute when Willa’s fussy increased. “Guys, she totally hates me!”

“She does not, Stace.” Chloe laughed.

“Okay,me,me,me!” Emily finally cried, her patience wearing thin.

It took a minute of convincing but finally Stacie gave her up with a pout.

Emily spent a while then giggling and saying silly things to the infant as she kissed her cheeks despite the fact that her fussiness was only growing, promising her all of the fun things that they were going to do together that year, promising her that she was going to be Willa’s favorite aunt.

“I think Auntie Brey needs a turn.” Chloe finally said.

Beca grinned up at her blonde friend. She had been fully aware of Aubrey’s total silence and of the fact that once again she was in the very back of the crowd, moving as little as possible. She wasn’t going to get away with it this time though, she casually pushed Aubrey forward.

“What?” Aubrey jumped, her eyes going wide and glassy, “No, I’m okay. I should wash my hands or, oh my shirt might be dirty, and -”

“Brey!” Chloe chided.

“Oh god.” Aubrey wailed.

Beca wanted to laugh at the look of absolute terror on Aubrey’s face but she couldn’t because god, she could freaking relate.

“Come on, you’ll be fine Auntie Brey.” Chloe reached out and squeezed her hand.

“I will?”

“Yes.”

“But what if I’m not.”

“You will be.”

“But -”

“If Beca can do it then you can do it, Brey,” Stacie said.

Beca opened her mouth to protest but changed her mind, “Exactly. If _I_ can do it then _you_ can do it, right, Aubs?”

Aubrey took a long breath, dragging it in like she did when she thought she might be sick and everyone froze, eyeing her.

“No, no, I’m okay. I’m not going to – I’m okay.”

“Alllright,” Beca took a spit up cloth and put it over Audrey’s shoulder and tried again not to laugh as Aubrey’s shaking hands took the fussy baby, staring down at her like she might bite, staring down at her with all of the fear that Beca had felt the first day she held her.

“You should smell her, Brey…What?” Stacie frowned around at them, “Was that a weird thing to say?” Stacie just gave a shrug, not really seeming to care and Beca did not miss the way that Stacie stepped into Aubrey, resting her chin on Aubrey’s shoulder so she could watch the baby’s face.

Beca smirked, catching Chloe’s eye. Chloe looked like she was about to pop she was so excited.

Aubrey had listened to Stacie’s advice, however strange it might have been, dipping her nose down and smelling the top of her head. Willa let out a little grunt and started to scream.

Aubrey’s face went paper white, “What did I do?”

“She just needs to be burped and she’ll settle down.” Beca showed her how to hold her so that Willa’s chin was propped correctly against her collarbone, where to pat and how. “Okay? You good?”

Beca took a step back, one hand intertwining with Chloe’s while the other began to lightly massage Chloe’s neck. She grinned as Chloe sighed and dipped down to kiss her neck. They watched Aubrey awkwardly bounce and pat her back, doing her best version of a coo, whispering over and over again, “It’s alright, banana, shhhh, it’s okay, it’s okay. What?” Aubrey frowned, her face going remote, her nose up in the air, “That is what my father used to call me.”

“Hey,” Beca laughed, “whatever you’re into.” She had said some pretty stupid stuff to that little thing over the past few weeks. “Um, maybe try a little harder.”

“See, there’s nothing to be too worried about.” Chloe grinned at her best friend, craning her neck and humming when Beca’s thumb started to work up one side, “Brey, you can relax.”

“I know, I just, I’ve never held a baby before.”

“You’re doing great.” Stacie winked at her from her spot on Aubrey’s shoulder. Aubrey glanced at her and blushed, only just seeming to notice that she was there at all.

It took a while but as the minutes ticked on Aubrey’s face began to relax. Emily had flopped on the floor by Chloe’s knees while Stacie kept her place against Aubrey, her hand rubbing Aubrey’s back.

Eventually Aubrey began to rock a little more naturally, joining into the conversation. And while all faces showed that they were anxious to get that baby back into their arms, no one took her from Auntie Brey; letting her adjust. Even Beca had to smile.

“This isn’t so scary.” Aubrey finally sighed, “Yeah, this isn’t so bad. She’s so small. I never realized how light she would be. Chloe I -”

There was a little sound, a tiny little hiccupping burp and Aubrey froze, her eyes wide, her mouth dropping open in shock as Willa _covered_ her shirt with her latest meal.

Beca and Chloe both gasped, their fingers tightened together as a reflex, Beca’s hand freezing on Chloe’s neck.

“Oh shit!” Stacie had jumped away, her hand over her mouth.

It was silent for a second then two then three before slowly Stacie began to make a strange hacking noise behind her hand, staring at Aubrey. The sound must have been contagious because suddenly Chloe caught it, then Emily, and finally the same noise came from Beca, trying her hardest to swallow back her laughter.

“Oh my god,” Beca choked, wheezing, “did she just spit up all over you?”

No part of Aubrey moved, she was still standing with her hands planted under the finally quiet baby’s butt and on her back, her whole body rigid. She didn’t move but her wild eyes shot daggers at Beca.

Chloe was twitching and squirming in her chair, Stacie was jerking, staring up at the ceiling.

“Oh, Brey!” Chloe was trying to pretend that she wasn’t laughing, she was trying to keep it in for the sake of her best friend who looked like she was about to have a complete and total meltdown. Beca could see her trying hard, much harder than she herself was. Chloe’s bright blue eyes danced from behind her hand, her entire body shaking. “Brey! I’m sorry but,” finally, after a long minute she got out, “ _Karma_.”

And that was it. The whole room gave in. Beca’s face dropped into Chloe’s neck, hiding as she cried with laughter. Chloe’s fingers reached affectionately, possessively holding her there as together the whole little family - well, everyone but Aubrey who did not look like she would ever think it was funny - laughed until tears ran down their faces.

 

 

* * *

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much everyone for reading! I have to admit that I'm sad to see it go! I've come to love this version of these women! 
> 
> I will start posting my Triple Treble story titled 'Lagniappe' on the 2nd of April. I hope you guys come by and read it! 
> 
> Come track me down on Tumblr for fic updates! ioliviajanae!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Art for 'What You Do To Me'](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10560242) by [Dragone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragone/pseuds/Dragone)




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